Can you be a confident sexual woman?
It’s the last day of July, which means it’s the last day of our Sizzling Summer Sex Series! That doesn’t mean I’ll stop talking about sex, of course (I tend to do that a lot), but I hope that I’ve built up to a central point this month: That sex is about intimacy and vulnerability and fun, and when we ignore one of those areas, we cause ourselves to lose out on so much.
Reader Question
Great question–and one I think a lot of women have.
It’s not because you’re British!
Honestly, I could hear any number of women saying this: “But I’m from the South!”, “But I’m Nigerian!”, “But I’m Baptist.” All kinds of cultures can be shy to talk about sex.
So, yes, you’re from a culture where this is awkward. I do get that. But so are many, many women.
And the fundamental question is this:
Philippians 3:19b-20
Do we believe that we’re supposed to grow?
Really, ask yourself that. Do you believe that you’re supposed to stay the way you are, or do you believe that God wants you to grow?
Often we use our culture as an excuse as to why we are the way we are. We think of it as something fixed. You know what Paul said about his culture?
Our cultures don’t matter. Our God does.
And what does our God want?
Romans 8:29
Now, that’s a weird thing to think about in regards to sex, and I do get that. So what does it mean to look like Jesus?
I think it means to agree with Jesus. The things that Jesus calls good, we also call good. The things that Jesus calls bad, we also call bad. We conform our minds to His Truth, because He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
We’re not supposed to be conformed to this world. We’re supposed to renew our minds. And that means it doesn’t matter if you’re Southern, British, Nigerian, Baptist, or whatever. You decide that you are going to put all of that aside and chase after Jesus, because that’s what matters.
Let go of this idea that “this is just who I am.”
Romans 12:2
That is not Truth; that is an excuse. That’s all it is. It is an excuse that says,
That sounds harsh to this woman, and I don’t mean to be harsh. I understand that she’s coming from a place of deep frustration and pain and likely hopelessness.
But there is no shortcut to change.
Growth and change only happen when you decide that you aren’t going to accept “who you are”, and you’re going to chase after who God made you to be.
I wrote a whole book on how change happens in marriage, called 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. What I focused on there was this concept from 2 Corinthians 10:5.
2 Corinthians 10:5
It’s constant. It’s active. It’s a battle. But this is what we do.
And a neat thing happens when we decide to start engaging in the battle! God starts to change us. That’s what sanctification is. That’s a fancy word for saying that God starts to make us holy by changing us from the inside out.
Can 9 Thoughts that Can Change Your Marriage Help Me?
Yes, we need to fight. But ultimately it is God who does the changing. Yet He doesn’t do it until we actually yield to Him.
You can see this process in Romans 7 and 8. In Romans 7, Paul is making the argument that the Christian life is hard. And it’s ever so frustrating!
Romans 7:18-19
But then Romans 8 comes! Romans 7 is about trying hard and living under the Law; Romans 8 is about learning to live by the Spirit. And it is the Spirit that changes us.
So how does this work, Sheila? Do we try to change or don’t we?
That’s really the mystery of faith! It works like this: We surrender ourselves to God and work hard to conform to His truth. And as we replace our will with His will, then He starts to change the way we think, so that we become different people. It’s almost a partnership. God does the changing, but He only does it when we decide to surrender and to let go of this thing called “me”. When we stop saying, “This is just who I am”, and we start saying, “God, I don’t want to be like this anymore! I want to stop believing lies and fill my head with your truth”–well, that is when God works.
Does this mean we can be sexually confident?
You betcha! That was deep theology in this post, but I want you to have that as the framework. Change can happen. You are not trapped.
And once you understand that, then I’d like to point you to posts that can help you replace lies with truth, and can help you learn to be that sexually confident woman you want to be!
- 10 Ways to Be a Sexually Confident Woman
- Top 10 Positive Things to Tell Yourself About Sex
- Why Women’s Sexual Pleasure Matters
Check those out (and, of course, all the posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Series). And remember–you get to choose who you will be. Will you be stuck, or will you start growing towards the freedom and intimacy God made you for?
Your Sizzling Challenge!
Choose a sex-positive message to tell yourself at key times 5 times over the day. Maybe you choose when you hear a phone ring, or when you’re at a stop sign. Tell yourself, “I was created to enjoy my husband and to long for him,” or “I was created for my husband to find sexy!”, or “my body is a gift for both me and my husband, and it’s fun to enjoy it!” Then deliberately spend a few minutes thinking about what that means.
And ask God to start to transform your thinking and your feeling. He wants this for you, and He is eager to help you when you start to surrender!
Find other posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Series here.
Now let me know in the comments: Do you have trouble with change because “that’s just the way I am”? How did you get over that?
The Best 31 Days of Your Marriage!
Read a few pages. Do what it says. Have incredible fun!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Sheila, I kinda wish you didn’t always use photos of attractive women in your posts. I see them and I get sad that I don’t have a woman as pretty as they are. What about using pix of normal-looking people?
I knew a guy once that was in the grocery store and got ticked off because the magazines on the shelf in the check out isle provoked him sexually. So he went to the Manager and complained. The problem is that if you knew what this guy’s problems were and the things he was doing and had done, well his complaint was comical. I happened to read Mathew 7: 1-5 this morning. Keep fighting brother!
Phil, I’m not talking about being sexually enticed. I’m talking about seeing pretty women and wish I had a woman with a face like that that I could wake up to every morning, and look at all day.
I think that’s a heart issue, not an issue of pretty girls, or of whoever you’re with. If I heard my fiance became sad every time he saw a pretty girl because he wished I was like that, I think I’d cry. I know I’m not as pretty as girls he may come across on the internet, tv, magazines or even on the street — but I know he loves me and doesn’t want anyone else. I don’t think you can ask all pretty girls to be hidden so you’re not discontent…
Oh no, I’m just asking Sheila why she only uses pretty girls for her photos. Why doesn’t she downplay beauty and just use pictures of average-looking women?
Also, I don’t currently have a woman. If I did, longing for a pretty woman I see in a photo wouldn’t be right. But I think it’s fine now since I don’t have a woman. I would certainly like a pretty woman.
Just tryin to help you Tom. I used to blame others all the time. There is hope my freind.
Hmmmm Phil, you don’t seem to be understanding my comments. I don’t know what to tell ya.
Where do you want her to get photo’s of “average looking” women? What does that even mean?
It’s not as if she goes out of her way to get heavily photo-shopped “perfect” model women. I think these are mostly stock photos. The one photo is the one she always uses for question Monday’s, the other two are just generic people in their 30’s/ 40’s. They look pretty average to me. Personally, I’d like her to not use photos at all. They kind of bother me too. But it’s apparently the business model that works, if you read all the blogging/ Pinterest tips.
If you are frustrated in your single-ness, then maybe reading a blog for married women isn’t the best idea? Or don’t look at the photos. I scroll over them as quickly as possible, cause they make me kind of uncomfortable. I had to scroll back to see what you were talking about, because I honestly didn’t look.
Bcause they’re models, and modeling is an industry full of mostly pretty people? No need to over think it.
As someone who also uses photos on her website, I can tell you that stock photos do have attractive people for the most part. Because those are the people willing to be photographed and who the photographers like to work with. These photos are intended to convey the general message of the post through context, body language, and facial expressions, not “hey, your mate should look like this.” If that’s where your mind is, maybe you should go back and read the scriptures Sheila cited here, such as:
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”
“…we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
I hope you see this and take the time to watch it. It’s only a few minutes. It’s from an interview with Dustin Hoffman
https://youtu.be/yuaiR89iofE
Ok Sheila, In discussion with my Pastor last week, he made a statement to me that intimacy is a very scary and confusing word to many people. They associate the word with sex and confuse it with everything else it is meant to be. That was interesting in its self. I have yet to explore that word in great detail as of yet. I have also not found that word in my bible dictionary. Would be interesting to know where to find that word in the Bible. I have now come to believe that one method I am to seek God is through intimacy in my marriage. Essentially, Physical/Emotional/Spiritual intimacy in my marriage is a pathway to God. I see that very clearly. That will not change for me. God told me this. I have found one faith tradition that believes this thought to be a sacrament. I am not really interested in debating that faith tradition. Obviously sex is one area people have a ton of problems with and need to repair that to balance the physical emtional spiritual in their marriage. God wants that for us. I also believe if you do have that kind of marriage it is imposssible not have that same relationship with God. I beleive God wants that same balance. Maybe even an imbalance. Chasing Jesus. (That feels good to write). Would you be willing to elaborate on that and or challenge my thinking on this? I am just looking to help shape my beleifs for Him. Always looking for answers. Thanks
OK Sheila – I think I put it all together here. I think I could spend a long time researching this….
We long to know and be known, and in that spiritual knowing to be accepted.
It’s our deepest need. God gave us this drive to know Him and be known by Him, but He also gave us these sexual longings which mirror how we long to be truly united with our spouse(modified) and with God–to be truly and wonderfully KNOWN.
Yes! Beautifully put. I think that God created us with longings towards each other to mirror how He feels about us–Ecclesiastes 3:11–He has placed eternity in the hearts of men….
So He created us to long for completion in Him, and then created sex to mirror that, so that we would have a picture about what all-encompassing intimacy was. And that’s why when we degrade sex it hurts us more than if we diminish other areas of our lives. This, I think, is one reason sexual abuse is so much more harmful than physical abuse alone. (Think of our reaction when we hear a child has been murdered–we hope against all hope that at least they weren’t sexually assaulted). That’s because our sexuality is so intrinsically linked to the core of our identity and to our sense of personhood. When we mar that, we really hurt each other in a way that other hurts don’t quite touch. And that’s because intimacy is the pinnacle of what we were created for.
The world has stripped sex of its beauty by denying real intimacy, or by equating it only with the physical. And that’s why sex always seems empty, and why our culture is always on a quest for the next big sexual high and is always pushing the boundaries. They know sex should be more than it is, but they can’t put their finger on what’s wrong, because what’s missing is not some sexual technique, but instead a real bonding of two souls. You can’t have that outside of commitment.
And it’s why our sexuality is being so attacked–with porn, with everything else. Because that’s the biggest way to hurt relational wholeness.
Sheila. I want to thank you for taking the time to put this post together. Seems unless you know it that well and maybe you do, that was a lot of work. Regardless I was blessed today by my work being canceled for the day. I took in every bit of this. Each verse and some. I am really seeing the entire story now. Thank you.
I wholeheartedly agree with this! Having been married for nearly 30 years I never had the courage to embrace my sexual side and this was so frustrating to my husband who despite all my shortcomings was always faithful and patient with me. A little over a month ago after reading a few things online I realized I was really doing a disservice to our marriage and driving my husband further and further away from me. I knew that that to change, and then and there I changed what I felt about sex, changed what I wore to bed, became more open to things I have resisted in the bedroom and most importantly embraced my husband for who he was, to encourage him and uplift him with my sexuality. Needless to say, he did wonder where his wife went, but is very happy for this new women who is no longer reluctantly giving in to having sex when he wants it, but initiating it, flirting with him during the day, embracing him instead of turning him away because I’m “busy”. Ladies, it is possible to change you which in turn will change your marriage, even for a 50 year old. I regret how awful I was the first 30 years of marriage, but look forward to the next 30 and I’m very thankful for a forgiving husband.
Oh, that’s so wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing that!
This is soo good Sheila! I am from the African culture and have wrestled with similar mindsets “this is un-African” “this is too western” “this is not me.” It’s a journey and I haven’t arrived but every time I hit a road block, I have to pause and ask myself why, instead of going with what is comfortable.
It takes God to do that inner work, like you have said. Still He expects us to move our feet! It might be a little shuffle at first, a little willingness to hear something different and go back in prayer and wrestle it out with Him. But each time we take one little baby step, He takes one massive Daddy leap. I love that every time I have decided “Jesus is Lord!” and not culture/personality/whatever else, I have experience incredible growth and change in my life and marriage! Not without growth pains, but always so worth it.
As I talk about intimacy on my blog more and more, I am finding the mindsets I’ve wrestled with in others. And it helps me to share with empathy and understanding. And it reminds to seek His freedom and hold on to it because there’s so much MORE on the other side!
So great, Ngina! I love this: “But each time we take one little baby step, He takes one massive Daddy leap.” Amen!
Loving the “deep theology” Sheila – particularly because this applies to EVERY area of our lives as children of God, not just sex. What victorious lives we would live for God if we got a hold of this truth!
I know! It really is the ONLY WAY–not matter what change we’re supposed to make. And it’s the way that God created us, that we have to submit first and let Him in.
This is so true. It also applies to your post about vulnerability being a necessary ingredient for passion. Being vulnerable is scary at first! Telling someone how they’ve hurt you so that healing can take place is a lot harder than deciding to toughen up and not let anyone hurt you ever again.
We were created for so much more than we often settle for.
Wow, I can’t believe you answered my question! Anyway I read some more of your articles and starting by spending more time together seemed a good plan. So for our wedding anniversary I gave my husband a box with twelve little packages in, which are dates for us to have through the year – nothing expensive, but the plan is we both commit to taking that time together. We’ve had one so far, and it was weird but nice to have time to spend together and chat without worrying about what we ought to be doing or what our 4-year-old was up to! We’ll see where it all goes …