Are you trying desperately to have a great sex life, but it only leaves you feeling even more distant?
It’s Day 5 of our Sizzling Summer Sex Series! And today I want to talk about the Big Missing Ingredient that robs so much of us of sexual pleasure. I’ve been leading up to this all week, and today I want to spell it all out for you!
The easiest way to do that is with a letter that a reader recently sent me:
Reader Question
My husband and I are in our mid-30s, married 15 years, with a teenage daughter. I’ve spent the last 13 years trying to convince my husband of multiple things. 1) Sex is a big deal to me and once a week isn’t cutting it. 2) I really want more children. We recently had a big blow up fight and frankly it took me handing him my wedding rings and telling him that he can give them back when he’s ready to actually have a marriage with me. In the first 2 year of our marriage I pretty much threatened to leave every fight. To his credit he stuck with me and I did eventually learn that I was being cruel. We did find common ground after we both calmed down, but at this point I’m not feeling IN love with him. I love him, but the fire has burned out. I’ve realized through reading your books that our spiritual relationship is non-existent. How do I get this back to where I want it to be and what it should be? I’ve prayed for peace about the baby issue. I’m so bitter and angry about all of it, that I’m not really sure on where to start or how to forgive/ask forgiveness.
Wow, that’s tough, isn’t it? I have written a post about what to do when you want more kids but he doesn’t, and if that’s an issue for your marriage, I’d suggest reading that post for help. I want to deal with a different aspect here.
This letter is a great example of something that people really need to understand:
When you’re not connecting outside the bedroom, it’s very, very difficult to feel passion inside the bedroom.
Now, this couple has had a lot of issues over the years. She has a higher libido and he isn’t as interested in sex. They don’t agree on kids. They have very dysfunctional ways of handling conflict (like her threatening to leave). They don’t have a spiritual life together.
For you it may be other issues other than the libido and kid issue. But the fact remains that when there is a ton of baggage between you, passion will evaporate.
Why is that?
It’s because the missing ingredient in passion is vulnerability.
When we’re able to be vulnerable, we let down all pretences. We let our spouse see us for who we truly are. We become not just physically naked, but emotionally naked, too. That’s an intimacy that we don’t share with anybody else, and it can be intoxicating. When we’re that open emotionally, it tends to fuel passion, too.
But in order to be vulnerable, we have to have trust.
We have to know that our spouse will love us, no matter what. We have to know that if we share something deeply personal, they won’t throw it back in our face. We have to know that if we share a deep desire that we have (like having a baby), even if our spouse doesn’t share that desire, that they will understand and have compassion and try to work towards our good. We have to know that our spouse knows everything about us, and still loves us.
When that happens, then we feel this rush of relief. Humans’ greatest need is to feel intimate and connected with someone. That’s how God made us. That intimacy is best and most completely met in Him, but He created sex to be a mirror of that intimacy He wants us to experience. And when you have that, it’s a real aphrodisiac. Then we feel totally accepted and we can let our guard down. It’s easier to relax. It’s easier to tell them what we want and what feels good! Everything is better.
See, technique does come into play with great sex (and we’ll talk about that soon).
But you can have amazing technique and still have awful sex, because it can end up feeling empty.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have sex if you don’t feel close. In many ways sex and friendship are like the chicken and the egg: It’s not clear which comes first. The more we make love, the more we release the bonding hormone oxytocin and the closer we tend to feel. We tend to bring down the tension level in the marriage and laugh together more, so that we do feel closer.
So certainly sex is a great way to keep a marriage close.
But it can’t do that on its own. And sex will never be fully passionate and fully amazing when you can’t be vulnerable with each other. So what would I say to this woman? She needs to wrestle through the baby issue, certainly. But they also need to work on communication and conflict resolution, so that it’s about sharing your emotional needs and meeting them, rather than blaming someone. And it needs to be done in the spirit of acceptance, not judgment where you’ll leave if they don’t make you happy. Until they feel like they’re in this marriage together because they truly want to be, they really won’t find that the sex piece works very well.
So hold on to this idea of vulnerability as we go through the rest of the Sizzling Summer Sex Series, because so much comes back to this. Next week we’re going to focus on making sex “hot” and how to handle fantasy in our marriages (including deciding what’s okay to do). But even then, it all comes back to how we feel about each other and how we think about sex.
The key to sizzling sex really isn’t in technique as much as it is in being vulnerable and letting go of all our fears and insecurities. When we do that–then sex really can be amazing!
Your Sizzling Challenge!
Let’s grow our vulnerability!
Share with your spouse one of your biggest fears that you have right now. How can your spouse help you with that? Pray for each other about that fear
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This is a tough one. As the husband, I know my marriage would be in a constant state of cold, dead winter if my wife threatened to leave. It is a dangerous situation as he may take her up on the offer, especially in the heat of the moment. My marriage has not been without issues, although minor compared to many, and something like this may have been irreparable. Trust needs to be built, or rebuilt if it was there somehow.
My wife and I have four children. Children do not make a marriage. Children can be awesome. They can also sap strength from a marriage. The focus is always on the children. I come last, even with the children now being young adults, which is something that one has to be ready to accept. One does not find life’s fulfillment by having kids, at least not in my opinion, despite the fact that I am blessed with my kids and wouldn’t have it any other way.
The key issue here is trust and shared goals. There must, not should but must be shared goals for a marriage to thrive. Each person can have their own interests and goals as well, but life will be difficult if they are not pulling in the same direction. That difficulty will cause turmoil in the marriage, including intimacy in the bedroom.
Despite all of this, healing is available, although that doesn’t make it easy. Both husband and wife need to be willing to compromise and seek the best for the other.
Yes, I’d totally agree. And when my husband left me before we were married (he broke off our engagement) it really had a big impact on me. I think that’s a huge thing. And that’s why sex alone can’t fix things. You really have to feel as if you’re close with each other as the main priority (while both serve God, of course).
I am going to raise my hand. I am drunk on passion for my wife LOL. I love it. I told some guys yesterday I feel like I am walking around on a pink cloud….and I come off that way too. But I am just expressing the hope that they can have it too! I think my biggest fear is that this will leave me. Just like every other emotion that has come and gone in my life that I have tried to reproduce. I have been told on many occasions good/bad/indifferent that THIS TO SHALL PASS. The difference here though is this force of GOD behind it. I trust that GOD has my back on this one. If I keep doing what I am supposed to be doing how could it go wrong if GOD is involved? I am diving in deeper to my faith in GOD on this one…good stuff Sheila….I have previously made a commitment that I am not reading your books that they are for my wife to read. I get what I need from reading your blog. I say this because I am good at taking stuff and twisting it to my ways…..I don’t want to ruin what might come my way from my loving wife….so far it is GOOD. But I do say I am tempted to read because there seems to be a ton of answers to underlying questions of the physical/emotional and spiritual type.
Phil, I’m just so glad that you’re doing so well after such a hard slog! Thank you for commenting and encouraging me, too, that some of what I’m writing is making a difference. I so appreciate that, too! And I prayed for your marriage today. 🙂
This is so true. I haven’t understod this in three years of marriage. We recently(3 days) have started to feel close emotionally after almost two years. At least from my part. With a 2 year old kid, both working and now her pregnancy I have felt so emotionally disconnected from her. Sex has been good physically but I have felt empty afterwards. I don’t know if it’s because we both are on vacation and we finally have time together but there is such a strong connection. And I am so happy and thankful for that. She even wants to have sex even if she usually has a low libido. And I actually haven’t gotten mad or frustrated when she says she is to tired because all I want is to love her, hug her, kiss her. And it’s ok if it doesn’t lead to sex! Of course I want it to and I know it will (she told me so today:) ) but what I mean is that the intimacy we have started to experience is way more better than sex . And I am certain that when we will have sex I won’t feel empty afterwards. I will feel fulfilled. I know three days sounds little but I believe God has and is working in many areas for some months now and some of your articles have really helped me to get to this place. I pray that when we both start working again and the other kid comes that we will both struggle to have this intimacy and passion so that sex will be what it is supposed to be. I don’t know if I make any sense but i just want to express how important intimacy is. I didn’t understand that but I am learning. And I never want to stop learning if it brings me this close to my wife.
Oh, that’s so wonderful! And I’m so glad you’re having a great vacation! I pray that this continues in your marriage. I’m so glad for you!
I don’t think I have sustained intimacy with my husband of over years. We have had some times when it’s been closer and we have come through a lot of tough stuff together, but truly connecting and understanding…I’m not sure. Partly due to very busy life (including caring for a profoundly disabled child) and not prioritising time together (no shared hobbies currently) but I have wondered also whether he does in fact have Asperger’s. I know I also need to invest in my female friendships more for the support and understanding that women can give to each other and to care for and be kind to myself but carving out time is hard!
Yes, I agree completely that vulnerability is the key to working through big issues and developing real passion. Yet it can be terrifying. I could never have taken that leap without knowing that God was holding me close.
I have to counter one point made in a comment. Children don’t make a marriage, you can have a great marriage without children, but becoming a parent is what forces many people to finally grow up and learn to put others first. Having children can force a couple to make time for each other when they previously squandered a lot of time on separate pursuits. My husband and I have 5 and we often ask ourselves, “What on earth did we used to do with our time?” Because we certainly didn’t spend ever free minute together, relishing each other’s presence. Which is what we do now.
Twelve years worth of damage seems irreparable in my my marriage. I feel under appreciated, uncared for, and used. Of course I don’t want to be intimate when this is how I feel. I’m just a means to an end. We have talked, fought, and everything in between about this and nothing changes. I’m supposed to be the one who needs to change. I’m at a loss. I don’t even care anymore.
Hi Stacy, I am so sorry for your difficulty, and suspect I can relate. Your comment particularly struck me: ” I’m supposed to be the one who needs to change” because I myself really bought into that teaching for so long, and it was not good for my marriage at all, at least the way I was taught it. I was taught from well-meaning “pat-answer” wanna-be-Titus-2 women that “the only person you can change in your marriage is you.” They put the onus on healing the marriage on the wife (for all practical purposes). So I twisted myself into a pretzel for a very, very long time to change for my marriage, for my husband. But the problem is that only God is unchangeable, and my husband’s perceived “needs” change all the time. It was genuinely crazy-making.
-But it’s true, you can only change yourself – just not in the way those women “mentors” intended. You might need to change the way you see marriage in the first place. The way you see yourself. The way you see your husband (super important if your “mentors” are Patriarchy-tainted). I read Sheila’s book 9 Thoughts… and highly recommend it. Also Leslie Vernick’s blog (also found through Sheila’s recommendation), where Vernick talks about changing yourself in the *correct* way – how you relate to God, not your husband. She talks about C.O.R.E. strength. She also has 2 super-helpful books that might apply: The Emotionally Destructive Relationship, and The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. I also found Edward Welch’s book, _When People Are Big & God is Small_ helpful. But start w/ Sheila’s book and Leslie’s blog or books. It might not save your marriage, but unless you’re the one breaking covenant (which I certainly don’t get from your comments), then “saving” your marriage isn’t your responsibility anyway, regardless of what you may have read on other blogs or books.
…Sorry this is so long after your original comment. I’m hoping you’ve subbed to follow-up.
I just remembered something – a caveat- about the Welch book I recommended: There are places where he recommends running to “unity” w/ little caveat or nuance. He does so as a means of sticking it to Satan, or somesuch. But not knowing about your marriage, I have to say to be careful about that. After all, unity w/ a cactus (or worse, knife), is a terrible idea. Possibly I’m over-worrying about the book? I don’t know. But I’m an advocate of an eyes-wide-open approach. Otherwise, I do like the way he stresses one’s relationship w/ God.
Mina–great comment, and thank you for sharing your story! I totally agree that we can only change ourselves, but that doesn’t always mean becoming “nicer”. It means doing what God wants in this situation and acting like Christ–not just acting to make life easier for your husband. And that’s a hard change to make!
While not a Christian book exactly, Daring Greatly by Brene Brown is the best book I’ve ever read on the importance of vulnerability.
I need to open up to my husband right now about my stuck faith and my struggle with our current church; it’s eating me alive, but vulnerability is still scary sometimes. For my husband’s sake, I wish I were in a different place spiritually, but me pretending I’m fine and hoping things will get better on their own is keeping me stuck and making me feel distant from him because I’m living in hiding. It’s just hard to be vulnerable when I know the conversation will be hard/scary/hurtful for him to hear.
This makes so much sense! Sex is definitely not JUST a physical thing (and I’m thankful for that!)