If you’re married, is it okay to masturbate?
We’re starting week 3 of our Sizzling Summer Sex Series, and this week we’ll be looking at how to treat our bodies well to naturally boost our libidos and our enjoyment of sex. But before we do that, I want to cap off our section on spicing things up in marriage with a question that pops up quite a bit: is it okay to masturbate when you’re married?
A reader writes:
Reader Question
My husband and I have both masturbated since out teens and it was something we brought into our marriage. After marriage we both use it at times when we are turned on, but the other person is not available for sex. It doesn’t replace sex in our relationship and we only think about each other when we are doing it. Christians seem to be pretty split on the issue. Some say it is wrong no matter what, and others say it is OK as long as both partners are aware of it and it is not taking away from the relationship. Our kids are also reaching an age where we want to start talking to them about sex and we want to discuss masturbation with them as well.
Masturbation has come up a lot in this series, especially when we were talking about how women often need clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm.
Often that’s easier to achieve if you show him how you like to be touched, or move his hand. But then some husbands were balking because that seemed like masturbation.
So I’m glad this woman asked this question. I’ve talked about it before on the blog, but it’s been a few years, so let’s explore this again by going back to first principles.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with touching your own genitals
Seriously. Your body is your body, and you’re meant to know how it works and what feels good. Touching yourself, especially if it’s part of foreplay or so that you can teach your spouse something, is actually quite healthy. It’s being vulnerable and intimate, and it’s not like part of your body is “dirty” and therefore absolutely off limits for you, but not for your spouse. You’re allowed to know your body! And you’re allowed to feel good from your own touch especially when it’s part of your sexual relationship. Enjoying sex with each other is more than just intercourse.
That being said, individual masturbation to the point of climax can be a problem
This woman writes that both she and her husband masturbate at times when they’re apart from each other and can’t have sex, but they’re still thinking of each other. Personally, I’d put this in the category of “everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial” (1 Corinthians 10:23). I don’t think it’s a sin, but I do think that it can start to be a hindrance to a great sexual relationship.
First, I have known so many couples where sex starts to become nonexistent because they prefer masturbation to intercourse. When you masturbate, it feels more intense immediately, because you give yourself feedback on what feels good. And you can bring yourself to orgasm without all that hassle of having to make someone else feel good, too! Plus, some spouses are not that skilled at making you feel good, so masturbation can seem preferable.
Even if it doesn’t start off that way, it can become that.
Second, it does change the dynamic of sex. There’s something about unfulfilled sexual desire that makes you long for each other even more. When you want someone but you can’t have them, but you can text them and tell them what you’re feeling, or you can plan out elaborately what you’re going to do to them that night–well, that can heighten passion. If you deal with all of that tension yourself, you really do miss out on something together.
And finally, self-control is not a bad thing. To have to channel sexual energy into something else for a time when you can’t get fulfillment teaches you a lot about yourself, about God, and about growing your character. Is it really so bad to have to wait?
In this letter writer’s marriage, it seems that they have a great sex life, and masturbation really doesn’t hinder them coming together when they are together. But I don’t think that’s the norm. Too often masturbation can be used to short-circuit our quest for true intimacy, and I want to look at how that happens.
Sex was meant to be mutual
God made sex to reflect the longing that He feels to be united to us. So He put inside of us a longing to be united to our husbands, and He put inside our husbands a longing to be united to us. We want to feel that kind of intimacy, that kind of true “knowing”. We want to be joined.
Now sexual pleasure is all wrapped up in that, but our actual need is for intimacy. Sex that is only physical is shallow. And, perhaps ironically but not surprisingly, sex that feels the most intimate also brings the most physical pleasure. They’re all intertwined.
The problem with masturbation comes when it destroys the mutuality of sex
If sex is supposed to be mutual and intimate, does masturbation then hurt sex? Well, it certainly can.
1. He/she decides to masturbate.
2. He/she starts to see sex solely in physical terms, and not in terms of intimacy and connection. Thus, sex loses its deeper meaning, and, ironically, the ability to experience the height of sexual pleasure is also compromised, because for both men and women, physical pleasure is greater when spiritual/emotional intimacy is also part of sex.
3. He/she starts to focus on his/her own needs instead of the spouse’s needs. The spouse becomes incidental.
4. The urge for sexual release is taken care of, which means that he/she no longer has to reach out and meet the spouse’s needs. The impetus to become selfless is gone.
5. The couple starts to live parallel lives, but separate lives.
It’s a very dangerous road to go down.
But what if the chain of events doesn’t look quite like that? What if you’re the one whose spouse is refusing sex, and it looks more like this:
1. Your spouse refuses sex.
2. You start to feel desperate.
3. Your spouse gets upset with you bugging her for sex all the time.
4. You masturbate for release, so that you can at least stay civil towards her and try to be loving.
5. You feel dirty and disconnected.
6. The couple starts to live parallel but separate lives.
In this case, masturbation may look like a gift: I’m doing it so that I won’t have to bug her (or him) so much. But here’s the problem with that: what you’re really doing is allowing a sinful, bad situation to continue. It’s not right for a spouse to refuse sex. It really isn’t. I’ve written a whole bunch about that, but these may help:
- What does “do not deprive”, from 1 Corinthians 7, mean? (a three-part series; here’s the last one, but there are links to other two)
- What to do if your spouse withholds sex
- Are you a spouse or an enabler?
God gave us our sex drives so that we would be drawn to each other. That uncomfortable feeling of not having intimacy is so bad that it forces us to work on our issues and to improve the relationship.
What should be our response?
Whether your spouse is the one who is masturbating to avoid sex, or you masturbate because your spouse refuses sex, you must talk to your spouse about it. Ask if you have done anything to contribute to the problem. But then make a line in the sand and say, “it stops here”. We are going to work on this together. I will be sexually available, but you must also be sexually available to me. I want to work on how to make each other feel great. I want to work on our connection. I want to work on making sex into something explosive, not just a transaction or a release. I want us both to experience all levels of intimacy in marriage.
And if your spouse refuses to listen, then I’d talk to a mentor couple about it. If he’s the one masturbating, in essence he’s cheating on you, because he’s meeting his sexual needs with someone else (himself). He’s becoming sexually single, rather than married. And that’s just not right. And if your wife is the one masturbating, or refusing sex, you may very well need a third party to help you address this, too.
Your Sizzling Challenge!
If either you or your spouse masturbates in your marriage, take some time to think about the “why”.
Make sure this isn’t becoming an intimacy blocker in your marriage. And if it isn’t now, is it on the path to becoming one?
Once you’ve thought about it, talk to your spouse about it. How can you better meet each other’s needs? Ask each other, what would you like me to do when I’m sexually frustrated but away from you?
Find other posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Series here.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Individual masturbation without climax is often called “edging” and it is not always a harmless thing. For somebody who is struggling or has struggled with porn or lust, edging is just as bad as individual masturbation with climax. It causes similar dopamine highs, and eventually brings you back into the thick of the habit.
For me, individual masturbation in marriage is very offensive, regardless if with or without climax, with or without “only pure thoughts” and with or without lengthy separation. There is this issue that men often think of their orgasm as a physiological need, and feel it as such, but it is not. Lack of orgasm doesn’t cause any physiological problems at all, and they can learn to deal with the physical discomfort without any masturbation or edging.
I agree with you completely! The Bible never talks about sex or sexual pleasure in a solo context. It is always discussed as a means to know and be known by our spouse. Not to know ourselves. Therefore, I don’t believe that it is Biblically sound to say that touching your own genitals is harmless or right. I’ve been down that road. With God’s strength and the wisdom He gave me, I left it and I will never return to it. I have no desire to. Praise the Lord! It sets false expectations for how your spouse should be able to touch you and make you feel. And quite frankly no amount of guidance will bring about the same feelings. The fact that people think they need to teach their spouse how to pleasure them is just plain arrogant. I’m not talking about directing your spouse to a particular spot that you enjoy them touching, I’m talking “teaching” them the way you do things yourself so they can do it “right”. Am I the only person who realizes how messed up that is?
Touching your own body for sexual pleasure even during sex is a selfish act. My body was not designed for me to bring myself sexual pleasure. It was designed to give sexual pleasure to my husband and to receive sexual pleasure from my husband.
Humans and animals do this. Many human females cannot feel that “release” without this. It isn’t dirty, but I do wish my body were made to respond to his touch alone. I have gone months without anything like an orgasm yet he does everything he can. Are you honestly saying I should live sans climax because my clitoris is very small and hard to locate? Because God made me this way? In spite of over 10 years of gentle, non-emasculating attempts he cannot cause me to climax other than the occasional P in V in which I desperately hope to conceive.
I’m glad your body was not designed for you to bring yourself sexual pleasure. I am also glad I can do this, husband holding me and loving and understanding me, and never live a life of tense frustration.
My heart honestly goes out to you. I would never say that any married person should live without climax. And I think it is a wonderful blessing that you have married such a loving, patient and understanding man.
Please don’t be offended by me asking this, but did you begin stimulating yourself before marriage? I only ask because I did (most of my life before we were together) and it really messed up the way I was able to respond to his touch because I had created my own expectations for what being touched and stimulated felt like. It was all in my head. It was a process undoing the damage I had done to myself and rewiring my brain to focus on giving myself over to him and his touch, but it was totally worth it! He knows exactly what to do to make me climax because I gave him the freedom to learn and myself the freedom to be taught. This is why I am personally so against masturbation and self-stimulation. I think it does way more harm to our bodies and minds than most people are aware of. Please don’t take offense to me sharing my story.
Samantha, I know that you feel really adamantly about this, but I do think other people have different perspectives, and that’s okay. I also think that the point has been made repeatedly, as you’ve replied to a whole bunch of people, so how about we leave it for now? I think the point has been made on both sides, and made well, and it’s time to leave it so that other people don’t feel as if they have to defend themselves. Thanks!
I’m only sorry I wasted so much of my time in mustering up the courage to share my personal experiences in an attempt to save others from the heartache I have gone through. It’s clear that passion and persistence are only appreciated here when one has the popular and “right” view on a matter. I will refrain from wasting my time in the future.
Thank you for your honest and to the point reply. As a single male it is good for me to hear the reality, that I do not need to masturbate. It is not a physiological need as you said and I can deal with the discomfort that results from going without a release.
Hello Corey,
What I was saying was regarding married men. Regarding single men, purity is of course also very important, and it is very important not to get addicted to masturbation. But I am not sure if completely quitting is a good idea because I think after half a year or so it can cause health issues.
I disagree that after half a year is dangerous. God built into the male body nocturnal emissions so that during our single years we would have a safe and sinless release. Most males would have started having nocturnal emissions before six months.
I admit that it is difficult to completely abstain, but that is my goal, in obedience to God. You mentioned the danger of addiction but masturbation also invites lustful and impure thoughts and fantasies.
I thought it appropriate for me to reply to my last comment, since my view on the issue is now completely different than before. I think it is entirely possible that it is dangerous for males to go a long time without release and there has even been scientific research showing links to cancer. From a personal level, I can say that I never had a nocturnal emission while trying to abstain and I may never have one, so I reverse my previous statement about nocturnal emissions being God’s release completely. I can also testify that it is possible to masturbate without thinking about anything- in fact it is easy if is has been a little while since the last time and the fluids are simply ready to expel quickly. Also, the times that I abstained I was highly sex charged and it was like sex was always a part of my life and thoughts (even if it was just thoughts of I must abstain). Moreover, there were times that my thoughts became more impure than ever in my life. So for me personally, I can say that it is the wisest and most God-honoring thing to let myself masturbate.
Masturbation is not a sin in itself. Surely it can accompany sin, but it doesn’t have to. I urge caution to anyone who wants to claim otherwise, because God never said otherwise. Nowhere in the Bible is masturbation forbidden, yet many Christians have recently spoken for God claiming that they can infer from scripture that masturbation is most definitely always a sin. This reminds me of the warning given to us in the book of Revelation chapter 22 where we are told not to add to or take away from these words. Clearly God does not want anyone speaking for Him. And I honestly think that the anti-masturbation people who speak for God are in more danger of wrath than one who masturbates by himself/herself in any way.
Flo,
I completely disagree with your sentiments of unconditional opposition to masturbation. You try to sound high-minded, but you are actually being cruel and selfish.
Males go through great physical misery if they cannot sexually release regularly. They often experience pain and the constant intrusive urge to release, fighting constantly trying to resist doing something to bring about release of their excess semen. The sensation they experience is similar to when a nursing mother can’t nurse her baby for a long while and the milk pressure builds up, and when you desperately need to empty your bladder but cannot and know you won’t be near a restroom for quite a while.
Just try studying, working, sleeping, interacting with people if you’re a guy experiencing sexual need!
I really think this whole ironclad opposition to masturbation (without pornography) badly needs to be reconsidered by the clergy and religious faithful (not just Christians).
As for health risks from lack of sexual release, there ARE significant ones: prostate cancer risk is 35% more likely in men who did not masturbate while single (3-4 times a week). Multiple well-designed studies all arrived at this result.
I realize you were probably raised to have these sentiments about self-induced clumax. I did too, as a young woman, because I was uncomfortable with sexuality, grossed out by male anatomy and function, and at that point, naive about what guys go through. But after taking some biology and han physiology classes in college and maturing over time, I came to a different conclusion about masturbation– for single and married individuals.
It is fine, as long as you are cautious and don’t use porn and don’t do it with someone you aren’t married to.
Hello Mari R.,
I am definitely not a urology expert! But as a psychology professor and as a Catholic, I think how we connect with each other is something that defines and builds us to such a big extent, can elevate us, can bring us closer to God. And the connection between husband and wife is one of the most important in that sense. A connection is something that needs to be looked after, strengthened, taken care of, or otherwise it wanes. Husband and wife committing to purity and only experiencing intimate pleasures together is so strengthening for that connection, so elevating for it!
As far as I understand, prostate cancer data is not so easy to interpret and seems to have age as a latent variable. It looks like maybe the most at risk are those men who had frequent release when young and their release became much less frequent when older. But this is just one of the many interpretations, the data is not sufficient yet. But, again, I am not an expert in that field, so cannot judge.
When a man cannot function without frequent release, that is labeled by some as “normal” and by some as “sex addiction”. I think it is “normal” in the sense of how common it is nowadays, and I think it is an addiction, but I wouldn’t qualify it as “sex addiction”. The feeling of pressure is normal, and many women have it too. But not being able to function with this pressure is for me an addiction to the release. And that is generally not good for intimacy. After quitting, my husband still felt the pressure, but no lonfer the intolerable urge to do something about it, and that felt very liberating for him.
But I understand how you feel about this subject and I think it is normal that different wives feel differently about it. And I know that my Catholic upbringing, as well as some experiences later in life, had a lot to do with how I feel about it, but I don’t think that’s a negative thing.
Masturbation is a hard topic and I think you have brought this up in a good way. Masturbation can really take away the pleasure in sex but I wonder is it wrong if for example I masturbate while watching my wife. I often give my wife massages and her body makes me go crazy. She maybe doesn’t feel so sexy and isn’t in the mood for sex but i sometimes just feel that i want her right there and then but she isn’t always available. She has been the low drive spouse and even if things are better I would like more so when I look at her body I often want to masturbate. Of course I would prefer sex or a handjob but it isn’t always possible. I have done it some time but it was a long time ago and I’m
To afraid to ask and I’m not sure if it’s ok or it’s just creepy.
My wife and I use masturbation as part of our foreplay. We both like to watch one another and its a great turn. For 3 years we didn’t have sex and now she is coming around and enjoying it again. It has helped our sex life a lot.
I am so glad to read this. I was married for 28 years and the last six were totally sexless. I am not in the process of divorce and I am very relieved. For the entire marriage, masturbation was my primary sexual outlet. My “wife” told me that she would let me know when she was in the mood and not to bother her otherwise. When I told her that I was very frustrated about the lack of a sex life, she told me that I should be happy and fulfilled in a marriage where I never had sex. After years of telling me that she could easily find a better man because all of her friends had better husbands, she is getting the opportunity to find one.
But what if you have tried everything to bring your husband to the marriage bed. We have gone to so many marriage weekends where they discuss 1 Corrinthians. He just not that into it. I have access to his accounts and have gone onto his computer and phone at odd times to ensure that I am getting the truth about anything sinful going on in his life. Can’t find anything. He won’t go to the doctor to check testosterone levels either. He works and provides, but it leaves this high drive wife lonely and not knowing what to do with the desire that I have for him and sex. I’ve pray to God that either he opens his eyes or he gives me acceptance of my situation. I’ll admit, even reading all of your articles Sheila is getting me down because I know now, he won’t get it unless God steps into his life more. I will continue to “serve” him as God had planned for me to when we got married 17 years ago and I will continue to pray that my resentment doesn’t explode over any righteous behavior that I should have. Sad part is that I would do anything for him.
Nancy, I’m so sorry! That really isn’t right, and I know that you’ve been struggling with this for a long time and trying to find help here. I’m so sorry.
I would say this: if he has no interest in sex, and if he isn’t getting his needs met elsewhere, then he likely either has (1) low testosterone; or (2) some major psychological problem where he flees from intimacy or is very immature sexually. He may even be struggling with same sex attraction.
In any case, what he’s doing isn’t just hurting you. It’s hurting himself. It’s cutting himself off from the intimacy that he was designed for. It’s building a wall between both of you. It’s allowing him to go through life being totally in control and not being vulnerable with anyone else. It isn’t healthy.
So it’s wonderful and kind that you’re looking at how to “serve” him and being a good wife. But remember that you are not the only one hurting here! He’s hurting too, even if he doesn’t realize it. And maybe he needs a real prodding to do something about this. Can you get a third person to come and talk to him about this, about how this is dangerous and not acceptable? Can you go to a counsellor and talk about how to confront him? A marriage with no intimacy is so dangerous for everyone, and I hope that you can find a way to help him to see that. I’m so sorry.
He is betraying you just as much as if he was having sex with another woman. The Bible is very clear on this. If you choose to try to resolve this, fine, but you have every scriptural right to divorce him.
Sean,
Can you point out where scripture indicates divorce is OK in this circumstance? God allows for divorce due to adultery but even then it is only because of the hardness of our hearts. His desire is for reconciliation. My heart goes out to Nancy, and her husband’s actions are sinful, but I do not see anything in scripture that supports divorce. I do believe Sheila has excellent advice regarding seeking a third person or couple, perhaps a church deacon and his wife, to confront the issue and help with working through this difficulty. Regardless of the husband’s desire, he needs to put his wife first and work on this critical area of marriage, for both their benefit.
http://joebeam.com/blog/does-bible-say-i-have-to-stay-in-sexless-marriage.html#more-543
Joe Beam says it better than I can.
Joe Beam is correct in stating the husband (or wife) that withholds sex is sinning. However, his definition of adultery does not line up with scripture. He is trying to make God’s word say what he wants, while ignoring the reality that God hates divorce and only specifies one cause for divorce that He will allow without guilt. We like to excuse our actions, but scripture will still condemn us when we violate God’s word.
The Bible also doesn’t address divorce in an abusive (physical, sexual, emotional) marriage, but if you seriously think that a loving Father like our God would want us to feel guilt for leaving a spouse who is abusive without any attempt to change or even showing potential for it, then you have some seriously flawed thinking about what a loving Father is. I’m not saying that a sexless marriage is grounds for divorce or agreeing that it is adultery, but what I am saying is that there are circumstances in some marriages where God’s compassion for us would certainly extend far beyond the guilt we should feel in abandoning the marriage. I do very much believe in reconciliation. Wholeheartedly. But you cannot force a person to change if they have no desire to change. For a person to stay in a marriage that is abusive (again, with no attempt or desire to change from the abusive spouse) to them and potentially their children is just plain stupid and dangerous and they shouldn’t feel guilty for leaving those circumstances.
Samantha, I will gladly admit that I struggle with questions such as what a Christian should do in an abusive marriage, especially when both are professed Christians. This was reality for one couple I knew. The church leadership helped the wife separate from her husband to remove her from danger, and revoked the husband’s church membership. The goal was to bring him to the point of repentance and deal with his anger and control issues. I don’t know what the results were. I certainly agree that one cannot stay in a situation that places them or their children in a dangerous place, although I don’t know that divorce is the right answer. It is a tough topic. I wouldn’t blame one for using divorce as a way out, but I am careful not to use my own feelings as a basis for what is right, but instead want to stand on scripture.
I think it is very wise to stand firm on what the scripture says about what God expects from His children. And as His children we should want to live in a way that pleases our Father even though we are loved and forgiven when we fail and ask for forgiveness. And even though I wholeheartedly believe that the Bible is perfect and not to be altered or changed in any way, I also believe God gave us the ability to see a situation the way He would the closer we draw to Him and the more we get to know Him by having a personal relationship with Him. The more time you spend in close fellowship with a person, the better you get to understand their way of thinking and you even find yourself becoming more like them. It is no different with our Heavenly Father. I do believe there are times we have to use that knowledge (as well as prayers for wisdom and guidance) to try to understand what God wants us to do in situations that aren’t addressed specifically in scripture. This is just how I personally feel about such matters. I am not saying that everyone needs to think this way. I have just found in my own life that if I attempt to find a specific answer for what to do in a situation based solely on scripture, then I won’t always find the answer. But when I use scripture and what I know to be true about God from the scripture, then the answer seems much clearer. Again, this is just me. I am no expert. I am a child. Still growing and learning. I appreciate your faithfulness to God’s word.
What if your husband cannot have an erection due mefical condition and he refuses to compensate , how do as a wife fullfill your secual needs without masturbating?
Exodus 21:10-11 If a man does not give food, clothing, or marital intimacy to his wife, she may leave him.
I believe much of this issue is a matter of conscience. Scripture is not decisive regarding masturbation. There are things we can state, such as thoughts must not be adulterous, we are not to deprive our spouse, etc. However, I don’t see any issue during sex with a spouse. I think it is spicy, to bring back a word from last week, if my wife were to touch herself while we are intimate. I don’t see any biblical prohibition here. However, it is not something she is comfortable with, so it would have to be a his / her night thing – not worth it to me when I know she is uncomfortable. The real concern I have outside of intimacy with my wife is that the focus is all on the one going solo. It isn’t a shared experience and doesn’t bring the deep emotional oneness that intimacy should bring.
Well put! I totally agree.
I beg your pardon, but the Bible is decisive about masturbation. Masturbation is the act of having sex with yourself and the Bible is very decisive about sex. It is for a husband and wife. Period. And sex is a gift from God given to spouses so that we can get a rare glimpse of the perfect communion we will have with God someday in Heaven. Marriage itself is meant to mirror the relationship between Christ and His church. Marriage and sex are meant to be about loving and serving. Giving yourself for the other. Not serving yourself. And I’m sorry, but watching your spouse pleasure themself for your own pleasure is just two people being mutually selfish. It is not about communion or oneness and that is what marriage and sex are all about. The Bible is very clear about what sex is supposed to represent. Communion. And taking it upon yourself to give your own body pleasure whether it’s during sex or not is a selfish act.
With all due respect, Samantha, I wholeheartedly disagree. It isn’t up to someone else to determine what is and is not selfish within the privacy of the marriage bed. When a husband and wife are truly open, intimate and vulnerable, it’s a wonderful thing. If my wife and I enjoy certain things in the bedroom that are enjoyable and bring us closer together, there is nothing selfish about it.
But what if it’s not just for their own pleasure? What if it’s about teaching someone how to do something, or just enjoying watching? Song of Solomon says a LOT about how fun it is to watch each other and enjoy each other’s bodies. Let’s be careful that we don’t say that only intercourse is the right thing to do.
My husband and I are HUGE fans of foreplay. But it’s about what I can do for him and what he can do for me and enjoying each other’s reactions to those things. Not about what we can do for ourselves with the other as the audience.
Exactly. This is a great way to look at this.
Sheila, I respect a lot of your ideas regarding marital sex, but I cannot agree with the concept of teaching our spouses how to pleasure us. Why is that something we feel we need to teach or demonstrate for them? How is it a good thing that we go into marriage with prior knowledge of our own sexual pleasure? Shouldn’t that be for our spouse to awaken and discover? I speak from my own experience that exploring my own body before marriage only taught me how it felt to touch myself. Trying to “teach” my husband how to touch me like I did to get the same feelings was impossible. His hands were not mine. I had to unlearn everything I thought I knew about myself as a sexual creature so that I could let myself be known by him. And I learned more about myself and my own pleasure from him than I ever did by trying to know myself. I can honestly say there is nothing I ever did that can compare to what he does for me. I had to let go of my own arrogance in order to put myself completely in his hands to experience what it was like to not be in control of my own pleasure. He knows exactly how to bring me pleasure because I allowed him to discover and explore without putting in my own two cents.
Do people ever consider the fact that our spouse is the one who is supposed to teach us about our sexual selves? Not the other way around. So I honestly do not believe masturbation has a place in marriage at all. It is really just us taking our pleasure into our own hands and out of the hands of our spouse where it belongs. It is a shallow attempt to know ourselves the way our spouse is supposed to. I think it can be compared to the arrogance man has when he tries to know and understand himself without God.
I think it’s the feedback aspect. Our spouse doesn’t know what feels good–we do. I’m not saying anything is necessary; certainly not! But it can be fun to add it to the marital bed at different times. Again–not necessary. But when it’s between two people who are married, and you’re just exploring each other, that’s all well and good.
It sounds like you have a great husband–but if you look at the comments on so many of the other posts in this series, many women do not have that experience. Their husbands honestly don’t know what works, and don’t seem eager to learn. If you’re able to guide his hand and show him, it can make a tremendous difference. Again, not necessary in your case obviously. But for many couples it just may be. Not all men are as humble or eager to learn as your husband.
And let’s be honest, the Song of Solomon does not talk about watching each other masturbate. It may discuss the pleasure we can have “drinking in” the beauty of each other’s bodies, but that is completely different from watching another person have sex with themselves.
I see what you are saying Sheila, and I really don’t mean to come off as rude or confrontational. I have just had my own struggles with touching myself before marriage and I know the negative effects that it can have on expectations for marital sex and on the ability to place oneself totally into the hands of another. And the last thing I want to do is paint my husband as the perfect husband. Don’t get me wrong. The man has always been my best friend and I have always had faith in who God made him to be. But he was VERY impatient with foreplay when we first got married. He has struggled with porn and masturbation since his youth and into marriage. He is finally at the point where he is submitting himself totally to God and to me. Praise the Lord! We have a fantastic relationship and sex life now, but it has come as a result of total submission from both of us to each other and to God.
I have had years to contemplate and study what masturbation is and what it is truly about and who it is truly for. It is about and for self. That is the root of it. Can it be brought into the marriage bed in a pure way? Possibly. But I can’t see how the root of it changes. It is an act upon oneself for oneself ultimately. Most people do not start off masturbating in the marriage bed. It is usually something brought in from the past with ties to lust and sin. I don’t know if there are studies or statistics available on masturbation exclusively while with a spouse as an addition to having sex with each other (with no prior history of masturbation) but I have never seen any. I have seen a lot of statistics where it is detrimental to a marriage and to an individual though. I think this is a topic that needs to be addressed carefully. There is often more to the story than just pleasuring yourself so your spouse can watch and gain pleasure from it. I am speaking from a lot of personal pain and experience. I don’t think it’s ever a bad thing to use ones own life as a cautionary tale to others.
And having divulged details of my past and my husband’s past with lust and masturbation, I do want to agree with you Sheila. I do have a great husband. 🙂 he and I are both learning to be more humble and we are very eager to learn more and more about each other. I hope knowing a bit about our story can give some of these ladies hope. I wouldn’t trade my husband for anything or anyone in the world. Faults and all. Knowing the pain we would have to go through to get to where we are, I still would have chosen him in a heartbeat. People make mistakes, but God makes people and He is in the business of making each and every one of us like new again.
Samantha, we clearly disagree. I am interested in what area of scripture supports your thoughts regarding masturbation while with a spouse. Personally, everything my wife and I do gives us both pleasure. Not too be too blunt, but a quickie gives me great pleasure, but it also pleases my wife, as she knows she is wanted and can give me great satisfaction. If she were to please herself while we made love, she would also be giving of herself. I’m not saying you have to agree, but the scripture to backup your opinion is greatly appreciated.
There isn’t any scripture that talks about masturbation in the marriage bed or individually. So there isn’t any scripture to back up your opinion either. What masturbation is though is the act of having sex with yourself. Taking (not giving to or receiving from another) sexual pleasure from your own body. This is a fact. The Bible is VERY clear about sex being for a husband and a wife. An act of giving to the other and receiving from the other. The thing about masturbation is that it does not require participation from your spouse. It can be done solo. There are a lot of studies and statistics regarding how detrimental the habit of masturbation is within marriage and outside of it. And it is extremely rare that masturbation has a pure beginning within the confines of the marriage bed. Notice I don’t say that it never happens. If you have statistics on the number of married couples who have only ever exclusively masturbated ONLY while they are together and as an addition to having sex with each other I would be interested in seeing those statistics. But the thing is, this isn’t how masturbation typically starts and and it’s not how it usually remains. Masturbation is known scientifically to be a habit forming act. Many people find themselves mastered by that habit because it is a slippery slope and one that doesn’t require anyone else. The real question is why do married people feel they need it when they have a spouse designed specifically to give them that pleasure?
Samantha, the fact that scripture doesn’t address this indicates, to me, that it is a matter of conscience. You hold your view as a matter of conscience and I do not mean to belittle your opinion or encourage you to violate your conscience. There is no need for many things, lingerie for example, but if it does not violate scripture or a couple’s conscience, I cannot agree that it is wrong. There is great freedom in Christ.
There is a HUGE difference between the Bible being silent on a topic and concluding it’s wrong vs saying it’s a matter of conscience.
The difference is man-made religion and adding to God’s Law. Both are very serious matters that God does not take lightly.
Some people choose to abstain entirely from alcohol. Which is perfectly fine. To say that everyone should abstain from alcohol is man-made religion and adding something to God’s Law that isn’t there. That’s dangerous territory.
There’s plenty of things you can enjoy as a couple that aren’t in Song of Solomon. It’s not an exhaustive list.
Lisa, it isn’t adding to God’s law to look at an action like masturbation, read studies and statistics about how detrimental it has been to so many individual lives and marriages and come to the conclusion that it is ultimately an unhealthy behavior. I continue to bring up the fact that there are no statistics that I have seen available that show masturbation used EXCLUSIVELY during sex with a spouse. And I will continue to point out the fact that masturbation usually does not begin after marriage and with a spouse. It usually begins as an extension of an individual’s issues with lust. If anyone has any real studies or statistics that back up EXCLUSIVE masturbation while with their spouse, I would genuinely be interested in seeing them. And I will stress that individual masturbation is not supported by scripture at all because sex was designed to be enjoyed solely by a husband and wife together, not by an individual. If there is a place in the scripture that talks about sex being pure in any other context, I haven’t seen it.
Trust me, Samantha, it is very possible to simply use it at times to spice things up or as foreplay–with absolutely nothing to do with individual pleasure!
Now, I totally agree with you that if someone has had a history of struggling with masturbation, that they should steer clear. Selfishness is not good, and it robs the marriage of intimacy, as I said. And self-control is necessary.
But that’s a very different thing than spicing things up or teaching someone something. If one is just having fun, it’s totally possible for it not to go any further. Just like some can’t have any alcohol at all, others can handle a glass of wine and it truly isn’t a big deal and it makes life more fun. And that’s okay.
I think many women also need a little “help” in certain positions for them to feel good. Not to get too graphic, but often when a position other than the missionary position is used, sometimes she may need to help it feel good, and he can’t effectively with the movement he’s doing. Again, it’s simply someone touching themselves. We’re allowed to touch our bodies, especially when we’re together and doing things together.
“What masturbation is though is the act of having sex with yourself. Taking (not giving to or receiving from another) sexual pleasure from your own body.”
That is not a complete definition. My wife receiving pleasure is pleasurable for me. Watching her touch herself is not just about her – we share in that. Maybe we shouldn’t call it ‘masturbation’ in the marriage bed. I kiss my wife because I get pleasure, and she receives pleasure as well.
“An act of giving to the other and receiving from the other. …masturbation does not require participation from your spouse. It can be done solo.”
‘Masturbation’ in the marriage bed is just what you describe – both are giving and receiving pleasure. Maybe it would be ‘solo’ in your marriage, but certainly not all. If my wife pleases me manually on nights when she wants to do that, is that masturbation? Who is receiving pleasure? She would say that we both are.
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Sheila, I love your take on this, and feel that this is an important issue. It’s also an issue that I haven’t completely made up my mind about, because I do feel it is permissible, but not always the best decision. It can be an easy path to go down when you struggle with pain during intercourse, or have had some type of trauma in that area of your life. It can be used as a way to remind yourself that your body parts are meant to feel good. But it’s a slippery slope . . . and truthfully, I think it’s better if one just never starts at all.
What about if you’re single and masturbation just seems like a great option as opposed to having sex outside of marriage?
I think we really need to be careful that we don’t excuse wrongful or damaging behavior because it keeps us from bigger sins. It is like the dad who goes golfing every weekend and never spends time with his family. Golfing itself isn’t sinful, but when confronted, he tells his wife, “at least I am not getting drunk in,a bar or hitting up,strip clubs! You should be happy I golf, instead.”
That is insulting and selfish.
We don’t bargain with God. “Well, you made me sexual and won’t give me a person to have sex with under your rules, so now I have to masturbate to avoid breaking the rule of no sex outside of marriage.”
Now, I am NOT saying any and all masturbation is wrong, but instead of making excuses and finding ok outs, we need to go to God about it and learn to exercise self control. He may give you peace about occasional release.
Yes, I think self-control is the virtue that Christians least like to talk about. We all want peace, love, joy, peace, patience…but self-control? That seems archaic. I think we should bring back that virtue!
I get your points, but the Bible is silent about masturbation. Yes, I always prefer my wife to masturbation, but we have mismatched sex drives. Not a severe isssue but still different. We’ve been married for over 20 years. Early on I could hardly keep up with her sexual desire. Now, we the tables have turned. She’s probably ok with once or less per week. I want it 5-7 days per week. When we try to discuss it, it always results in a nasty argument. Often that leads to her making more efforts to sexual for a few days and then it becomes a deal where she has sex just to prove the point that she “never turns me down”. It’s true that she doesn’t turn me down, but if I’m the one who nearly always inititates and I feel like I’m bothering her then it just doesn’t seem very intimate or loving. I’ve tried being a better husband, helping her around the house, etc, but it doesn’t make any difference. Rather than argue about whether we make love 1 time per week or 7 times per week it’s just easier to masturbate and have to fuss about it. If it hasn’t changed in all these years then it probably won’t. Your solutions sound good but it seems like dreamland. How can a female possibly understand the nature of a man’s sex drive and strong desire for his wife and how that feels when a man has gone 4-5 days (or longer) without sex? I’m 46, and my sex drive is about the same as in my 20’s, probably stronger actually. Masturbation might not be the solution you like, but anything else just leads to arguments and more resentment.
My husband only wants sex on average once or twice a week. If we had sex as often as I physically desire it we’d be having it at least 4-5 times a week, on average. I have tried to wait for him and not masturbate in between times when we have sex, but I find it incredibly frustrating and difficult to focus or get on with my day if I don’t have that release. That does result in it being more difficult for him to get me to orgasm when we do have sex, I just don’t know what to do. I know he works hard and is usually tired by the time he gets home from work and that’s why he doesn’t want it more. I’m not really sure if he looks at porn. I’ve checked before and I don’t find anything, but it’s not difficult to cover your tracks in the history on a computer, etc. My friends report the same thing. The idea that the man will want sex more than the woman is a myth.
I walked into the living room and my husband had his head phones on while watching a youtube video. When he went to help me with my request, as he took his hand out from the blanket, I heard a snap…like elastic from the sweat pants. I looked at what he was viewing, and it was a beautiful saucy singer. The content of the song was “Call My Name” – clearly romantic and sexual. I didn’t check to see if he had an erection, but I feel so uncomfortable. I know he has maturbated in past – when I am unavailable- says he things about me.
To add to the problem, I checked his ipad today and the history is cleared. I’m trying to “hope for the best”, but I’m feeling in my gut that I need to say something and it’s not going to be pretty.
Do you have any recommendations on how I should approach this or if I should?
Thanks
DJ, If you’re worrying about something, you have to talk to him about it. You can’t keep that bottled up. Sometimes we have to fight for intimacy, and it’s hard, and it’s awkward, and it’s messy, but you have to do it. And I think you have to trust your instincts. Just be very matter of fact about it: “I want us to have a really close marriage, but I’m worried that you’re watching porn, and I think we need to talk about it.” I know that’s awkward, but there’s no other way forward than to confront it and be honest!
Music videos of this type are porn, in my opinion. And they are precisely the kind of porn that I used to be addicted to. They have only two goals: to objectify women, and to make men lust. There is little or no nudity, and no sexual act in them, and yet they are porn. They are tricky, because they are everywhere, on TV and on youtube, and because with them denial and compartmentalization are very easy – it is easy to make yourself believe that they are not really porn, even when you are clearly using them as such.