What do you do if your husband wants you to do something in bed that you really hate?
We’re in the middle of the Sizzling Summer Sex Series, and we’ve been talking this week about learning to be passionate, give up control, and help sex not be boring! And so today and tomorrow I want to turn to how to handle it if one of you wants something a little bit spicier than the other! Today we’ll look at what to do if he wants something you really don’t like, and tomorrow we’ll turn the tables. Then Friday I’m going to present an idea that hopefully can really work in your marriage when you’re trying to figure out boundaries in bed.
Here’s a really common question I get:
My husband wants something in the bedroom that I think is just gross. (editor’s note: she spelled out what it is; I want to leave this vague so that my answer applies to more people’s situations! So if you’re struggling with this, insert your own idea here). Do I have to do it?
Great question! I’ve dealt with this before on the blog, and today I thought I’d rerun that post because it fits perfectly in this series.
My quick answer to that question would be, “No, you don’t have to do it.” Sex is supposed to be mutual. It isn’t supposed to be selfish. But that being said, here are just a few thoughts to help you figure this out in your particular situation:
1. Dare Yourself to Make What You Do Enjoy Awesome
It’s honestly okay to say no to some things in the bedroom. Vaginal intercourse–no, you can’t say not to that (I mean IN GENERAL–like you can’t say “we can never do this”, though of course you can say no on certain nights or under certain conditions, especially if it’s painful physically or emotionally. I’ve got more on that on my series on what “do not deprive” means). Intercourse is the height of intimacy.
But other things? Absolutely. No one has to do everything.
But if you do say no, I just dare you to make the things you are comfortable with awesome for your husband! Really throw yourself into it. Dedicate yourself to having a fulfilling sex life–which means getting yourself in the right frame of mind so you can enjoy it, too. If you’re really struggling with this, pick up the 31 Days to Great Sex. Seriously, it will help. This is what it was written for!
2. Ask Yourself, “Is it Sinful?”
If your husband wants something you don’t, ask yourself, “is it sinful?” Now be careful here, because we often assume that because we don’t like something it must be sinful. But I don’t think the Bible calls very many things sinful in marriage. Anything involving a third party (porn, affairs, fantasizing about a football team): sinful. Enjoying each other’s bodies: nope. (now I think there are things which are definitely a bad idea that don’t involve a third party; but I’m still not sure they’re sinful. I think they’re more in the “everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial” category).
Why is this important to determine? Because sometimes we’re quick to label things sinful and then we cut things out of the bedroom entirely. And we also start to think of our husbands as perverts. It honestly is okay to say “no”. But just be honest and if it ISN’T sinful, realize that you’re saying no because you don’t find it appealing, not because he’s a pervert. That’s an important distinction!
And sometimes by realizing it isn’t sinful (if it’s something that isn’t), it does help us stretch ourselves a bit. And for many couples, that can be a good thing!
How do you figure out your boundaries in the bedroom in a Christian marriage? Some guidelines!
3. Is it Dangerous or Degrading?
Some things may not clearly be sinful, but they still seem, well, icky. That could be because some sex acts actually can be physically dangerous. Certain body parts just aren’t designed to be used sexually, and they don’t stretch well and they’re susceptible to disease.
Not just that, but some sex acts can really be degrading and humiliating. Sex should be about bringing you together. Now, there’s nothing wrong with feeling carried away, or with someone wanting to almost “own” the other–that can honestly be a part of passion. But when you’re trying something that really is humiliating or degrading, like punishments or something like that, it’s totally okay to feel weirded out by that. That was never meant to be part of the sexual experience.
4. Be Careful of Porn’s Influence
Maybe the answer to “is it sinful” or “is it degrading” honestly is yes, though. Then what?
Then you just need to talk about this. And I think it’s a really good idea to ensure that he’s not using porn. Porn fuels the desire for things that are sinful, and lessens the appeal of being truly intimate. If your husband is using porn, start here and read on about what to do about it.
Find it difficult to figure out what’s okay to do in the bedroom?
It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Feel like something’s missing?
5. Be Careful of Substituting Other Things for Intercourse
One thing I’ve found with couples who explore a little more is that sometimes that thing that one of you wants to do starts taking over. Let’s say he enjoys oral sex, for instance, more than he does intercourse, and he starts wanting that more than wanting intercourse. This is really dangerous.
I’m all for play! I think play is great–hence the term foreplay. But it is FOREplay. It shouldn’t be the whole thing.
That doesn’t mean it can NEVER be the whole thing, but if another sexual act becomes your regular sexual encounter, rather than vaginal intercourse, there’s a real danger and a problem. Now sometimes, when health concerns arise, that’s necessary, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But intercourse was designed to unite us spiritually as well as physically; we’re supposed to feel one. Sex isn’t supposed to be about getting the greatest orgasm; it’s supposed to be about feeling close. Now, when we feel close the physical ALSO tends to feel better. But our pornographic culture has really infiltrated the bedroom so much that we almost use each other more than we make love to each other. I don’t think that’s a good dynamic.
So if you want to explore, that’s great! But make it about play, not about replacing intimacy.
6. Have His Nights/Her Nights
If there’s something he likes that you’re willing to do, but you really don’t like it, consider once a month having his nights/her nights. Once a month you’ll make love totally for him, and once a month for her. And then the other times you’ll just do it as you prefer to together.
That way he doesn’t feel deprived, but you both get what you want. Maybe your night starts with a long back massage. That’s totally fair!
If, of course, you absolutely CAN’T do it, see #1. That’s totally fine. But if you just dislike it, here’s another way to handle it (and I’ll be spelling out exactly how to handle this on Friday!)
Your Sizzling Challenge!
Ask your husband, “are there things that you’d like in the bedroom that you’ve been afraid to ask about?” Let’s have that conversation!
And ask him how you two think you should decide on boundaries, too.
Special bonus: Try something new tonight!
Previous Posts on how Sex Should Be Mutual:
We Need a New Definition of Sex (that’s mutual!)
Do you have trouble figuring out what the boundaries are in the bedroom? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Seems like comments were not enabled yesterday. I only have a couple simple comments. I am willing try try just about anything for my wife. But, not everything I want needs to be tried. I would rather my wife be comfortable, or somewhat comfortable, trying something than pushing for my own pleasure. There are many wonderful ways we can please each other. I don’t need to push my wife to try something she is really uncomfortable about. I can ask, but I need to give her the freedom to either consider it for another time (sometimes it takes a while to get comfortable with an idea) or to say that she just doesn’t feel comfortable with trying something.
I know! I have no idea why. I only realized at 4:30 and then turned comments on. It seems like for some reason the post published with the “don’t allow comments” button checked, but I never checked it!
I’m sure you have nothing else to do but watch your site to ensure comments are enabled, right? OK, don’t throw anything at me, I am just kidding. I really appreciate the effort you put into the discussion of marriage, even when we see things differently. I’ m certain you could be doing a dozen other things with the time you invest here.
You might cover it elsewhere on your website, but you ought to cover the obvious and most contentious point of this post: oral sex.
John, I love both giving and receiving. However, my personal thought is that if a wife isn’t OK with it (assuming it is the wife that is uncomfortable), bypass it. Perhaps she will warm to the idea in time. There are plenty of other ways to find pleasure together.
Ok, then the question is: at one point does this stop? What if your wife finds gross/degrading:
oral sex
lingerie
sex with the lights on
sex at all
At some point, you’ve got to say, its not reasonable that you consider X gross. It just isn’t. And if you do, that needs to change. I mean, what if a spouse says having sex in anything but absolute darkness is gross? Thats just wrong.
I think oral sex is beginning to fall into this category. Billions of people do it, and its even possibly mentioned in the BIBLE, so consideration of it being “gross” is just plain wrong. Especially if you do it just out of hand without even trying it.
I also happen to think, other than frequency, this is probably the #1 spot of contention between spouses, so I think it deserves special consideration.
John,
If she has an aversion to sex all together then that’s a greater issue than she finds something gross.
I don’t like lights on either. Again, I know the source of my issues.
T
John, I can’t tell you where it should stop. I will say it needs to be about the relationship, not specific sexual acts. It sounds like it is more than what is or isn’t comfortable, but that there are other issues that need to be worked through so that both can find intimacy and pleasure. I hope that makes sense.
I would agree. I do think John’s right, though, that many women are uncomfortable with things that really are fine. The problem with oral sex is that I know it’s such a big trigger for those who have been abused, and I think that husbands need to recognize that and be sensitive to that. It could be that a wife can get comfortable with just about anything else–but not that.
I am putting up a post tomorrow that helps us find a way to do some of these things that people may not particularly like, and perhaps that will help the conversation. At least I hope it will!
This is for Sheila’s note about about abuse: In that case, yes, I very much agree that a husband should be very sympathetic and supportive in that kind of situation.
So long as the wife agrees to try and deal with and abusive past (counseling/therapy), I think that should be enough for a husband to relent in this area.
But I also think that a lot of husbands and wives deal with never being told/not knowing about the abuse in their spouses’ past – and now they also have to deal with it, and the consequences of it. I don’t want to say thats unfair and dishonest on the part of the spouse who hid the past abuse, but I think it borders on that, and a trust has been broken in the marriage.
John, you are definitely correct about drawing line. I can tell you’re frustrated with the situation. I would like to say a couple of things and I hope they help you. 1) Sheila mentions in her Libido course that if you and your spouse aren’t in a good place together outside the bedroom, you can’t be in a good place inside the bedroom. That’s my paraphrase anyway. Obviously, if my husband and I are fussing with each other a lot throughout the day, it’s a safe beat there will be no living in the bedroom. At least, that’s how it works at my house. The opposite is also true. If we are getting along, sex is great and, outside the bedroom, we are more settled and happy.
Having said that, I have learned from Sheila’s Libido course that for women, sex drive is more a mental thing than a physical. That means that if our two-and-a-half-year old has been particularly interested in seeing just how far he can drive mommy me up the wall all day, wife me is going to need a time out to get in the correct frame of mind before bedtime.
You mentioned one spouse withholding the truth about sexual abuse from the other. This was my second point. Victims of sexual abuse find different ways to cope with the reality of being the victim of sex abuse. Some don’t cope at all. Instead, they shove it under a rug in the attic of their mind and just choose not to face it. If the abuse happened as a child, it’s easy to understand why someone would choose to take that route. Most abusers are found in the family or close friends category so it is easier to pretend like it never happened because when it is faced, that means facing the person in the family or the family friend. That is a scary proposition when you think about it. Also, I would have to ask you to maybe put yourself in your wife’s place for a second when the issue of “Don’t do this in the bedroom” comes up. If the shoe were on the other foot and you had been sexually abused, would you be able to separate that from the act of sex with your spouse? You may want to jump and say yes, but really think about it before you answer.
Also, sometimes sexual abuse isn’t mentioned because the victim has this bone deep sense if shame and guilt, which is usually put there by the abuser when the victim was a child. The spouse who was abused may completely trust his/her wife/ husband but the horrendous guilt and/ or responsibility that the victim feels is so strong that they don’t say a word because they are afraid of being looked at as gross and dirty. The spouse who didn’t know about the abuse initially may focusing on one issue when the real problem is that he or she is angry because it feels like the person who is supposed to be closest to you doesn’t trust you. Please know that is not usually the case.
Sexual abuse is just awful. It is never just physical damage but always has a great deal to do with emotional damage. I would suggest reading a book called “Hurt People Hurt People” because it discusses all of this stuff much more clearly than I have. You and your wife will be in my prayers.
Eh, oral sex really is gross for some people. We tried it twice, I almost threw up both times. ‘Course I’m also a germaphobe so that probably didn’t help.
This is one where if someone doesn’t it may take time, patience and a lot of prayer.
It’s only the last few years I could enjoy this. I’d do it or allow it out of obligation… But hated it. I was sexually abused as a child and this was too much of a reminder. It took a miracle to get me past the dirty feelings. Once that happened, then it has taken practice and mental gymnastics that it’s ok, I’m safe, etc.
I enjoy giving…receiving is still painful because it still feels wrong. What I’m starting to realize is that I grew up with sex is sin theology and that is harder to get over.
Oral sex just seems to be so taboo because most parents and churches don’t know how to talk to children properly about sex. So then they become adults and have a problem.
Sheila,
I don’t even know where to begin. Sex has become so uncomfortable and awkward between my husband and I. We have issues and are working thru them but so many things seem awkward and wrong and dirty. I love him so much but sex is almost too hard. Every now and then I enjoy it but that’s like 1 time a month. What is wrong? We read articles and I get excited about trying to work on this in my marriage and then if it happens to flop or I say no I don’t want to do something like this… my husband gets upset. I don’t know what to do.
Amanda, I read your comments a couple days ago, but waited to respond. Sex can be hard, so please don’t think you are messed up for struggling in this. My wife and I have been married almost three decades and it is still hard at times.
Sex within marriage is beautiful and not at all dirty, but telling you that won’t change how you feel. If you have a personal relationship with Christ, please search the scripture and ask God to give you His view on marital sex. He is honored by our intimacy within marriage as He designed it for you and your husband, to create a wonderful bond.
Also, please don’t stop trying in this area of marriage. As the husband I can tell you that this is, at least for me anyway, the loudest, clearest way a wife says ‘I love you.’ It stings to feel rejected and unwanted, so it comes out as anger. Both you and your husband will need patience with each other as you work through this difficulty. The payoff is a closer relationship that is more fulfilling in or out of the bedroom. If there is a mature Christian woman you can confide in, consider asking her for prayer and encouragement.
May God bless your marriage and draw you not only closer to each other but also closer to Christ.
Sex has become a major problem. My wife doesn’t want to be kissed. Don’t touch my breasts don’t touch my clit. Don’t talk. Just stick it in. Tried talking about it to no avail. Doesn’t want oral sex and on the rare occasion she allows it she twittles her thumbs. I am st my ropes end
Alan,
For now, give up attempting all sexual and romantic contact with your wife.
Rely instead on masturbation without pornography or adulterous fantasy to meet your physical sexual needs.
Stick to this faithfully, and be patient.
Do no even mention anything about sex, marital counseling, etc, to your wife.
Just be respectful, considerate, and a true friend and confidant to her.
Down the road, eventually, after months or years, your wife may gradually begin to question her own motives for rejecting intercourse and other sexual acts.
Or, she may not.
People aren’t perfect and neither is life.
But you will have been working the best possible plan for a man in your situation: meeting your own needs for sexual release and exhibiting loving empathy and patience towards your wife.
I consider myself very open and adventurous. Toys, oral, multiple positions, etc. But my husband wants me to do more and more and is frustrated that I won’t.
He’s saying I’m selfish and that it’s all about my wants and not his. I say but I’m uncomfortable with those things, and his response is what if what you’re asking me to do (normal sex) is out of MY comfort zone? I have no response. He says he’s very unhappy with our sex life even though I initiate sex twice a week with him, different ways, he says it’s all slanted in my favor. I’m at a loss.
Anonymous, I’m so sorry! It sounds, though, like your husband is missing the point of sex. It’s not just supposed to be a physical experience; it’s about feeling close in every way. It’s supposed to be intimate. If he’s willing to risk your emotional well-being for him to feel like it’s good sex, then that, in and of itself, shows that he doesn’t understand what sex is. It really is okay to keep your boundaries and say no. It really is.
I hope this is ok to ask this here. What are your thoughts on nudity as husband and wife in a secluded place? We were recently on a family holiday in a place where being topless on a beach is acceptable. My husband was keen to ask me to swim naked or topless in our private pool, but I just don’t feel comfortable doing that. I can’t decide if nudity outside the bedroom is wrong or not, especially after growing up in the whole purity/modesty movement. The more my husband pushes for it, though, the more it pushes us apart. Do you have any thoughts?
Love your blog—it’s my favourite marriage blog!
Hi CH! Oh, thanks for your kind words! I’m glad you find the blog encouraging.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being naked outside–if you’re totally alone, and there’s no chance of others seeing (example: in a hot tub that’s enclosed while you’re outside; in a secluded backyard in the dark under the stars, etc. But if you’re somewhere where someone COULD walk upon you, then that’s not really private, and I think it’s totally legitimate (and good) for someone to want to remain modest to strangers. Hope that helps!
Sheila, is there a place to submit a question directly to you? I have a very “off” situation that Godly and biblical counsel is unclear of how I should handle it.
Hi, Anonymous–
If you have a question for Sheila to answer on the blog or in a video, you can submit it here: Keep In Touch She doesn’t give personal advice over email, but it may be featured in a Reader Question post!
I hope this helps!
Rebecca
We have been married for just over 18 months and we average sex 1-2x per month. …we have had no sex now for over 4 weeks. The little amount of sex that we have is not that great and my husband can only reach orgasm if he masturbates and ejaculates over me….he cannot ejaculate inside me. I find it horrible and degrading. Ironically he wants a child and complains that he will never have children but he does not ejaculate inside me. I have never watched porn however I know that this is the stuff that he has gotten off pornography. Prior to becoming a Christian I had other relationships and I never had this problem before and I knew these guys well and that these guys had not been exposed to pornography. Our sex lives at the time were incredible. The problem is that my husband previously used to watch porn prior to becoming a Christian. Since then he does not watch porn but I believe that the porn and masturbation has rewired his brain. Porn has entrenched a pathway in his brain, accompanied by the habitual masturbation, has made it so that he is really unable to enjoy REAL sex as it was design by God. I think that the act of masturbation has made it so that vaginal sex just does not cut it for him because a vagina cannot give the same pressure and friction as his dry right hand.
After I questioned him a couple of months ago, my husband admitted to me that he has been masturbating since we married. He told me that he prefers masturbation to having sex because it is less messy and he really does not enjoy sex that much. He cannot understand why I would be upset about that….he thinks that by telling me that he fantasises about having sexual acts with me, acts that I would NEVER perform, whilst he is masturbating that it would make me feel honoured. He described his fantasies such as ejaculating in my face, or him fingering me whilst I perform a blow job on him with me gagging on him. These acts make me feel degraded….like a prostitute!!! I’m thinking….ummmm…. the fact that he would rather masturbate than have sex with me when I am right there is actually insulting. The fact that he fantasises about things that I would NEVER do means that he has created another person inside his mind that he is mentally performing sexual acts with. What if I told him that I would rather masturbate than have sex with him? I bet he would not be too happy about that. Quite frankly it has totally turned me off having sex with him and I feel so emotionally distant from him. I wish we had never married.
Previously I would try to initiate sex and would touch him and try to make him feel good….all he would do was lie there like a starfish expecting everything. It made me feel undesirable and then when I could not orgasm he blamed me….when he had put NO effort into touching me. I had put in 15-20+ minutes into making him feel good and then he thinks that I should be turned on by the fact that I am touching him and making him feel good and that I don’t need any reciprocal touching etc……another deception of pornography.
Pornography – pure evil. It destroys relationships. It is adultery (Matthew 5:27-28). Pornography causes mental cheating on your spouse (Matthew 5:27-28), it degrades women and it desensitises men to REAL sex with REAL women.
I’m so sorry, Ruth. So sorry. This is something that needs to be dealt with. Please insist that he sees a counselor and joins a porn recovery group. If he isn’t willing to do that, then please see a licensed, professional counselor yourself. This isn’t okay, and it’s not okay to forego your dream of having children, either, just because he won’t do what he needs to do to be faithful to you.