What do you do if your husband isn’t interested in hearing your sexual fantasies or desires–let alone acting on them?
We’re in Week 2 of our Sizzling Summer Sex Series! And this week we’ve been looking at how to spice things up and make sure sex doesn’t get boring–which also includes a willingness to become vulnerable with each other.
Yesterday we looked at what to do if your spouse asks for something in bed that you find really distasteful, and we talked about how to figure out if it’s just a personal preference, or if it honestly is something that you find sinful. Today I want to flip that question on its head, and address what to do if it seems as if your spouse doesn’t care about what you want.
A reader writes:
Reader Question
I told him one of my fantasies and he shut It down really quickly. I am too embarrassed to even get naked again but I want to be intimate! He has never really been one to “take care of me”. It’s mostly that he gets off every time and I’m left hanging. I’ve talked to him about it, and then after a month or so he forgets and doesn’t take care of me again. I’m pretty frustrated but I’m trying to figure out what it is that I might be doing that causes him to stop after he reaches climax. I just feel like he doesn’t WANT me. I think that’s why I have the fantasy that I have. (It’s to be tied down.) I don’t want to be hurt or told I don’t have a choice. I just want to feel like he wants me that much.
I will get to the fantasy part of this question in a moment, but the more important issue here, I think, is the husband seems to be disregarding her sexual pleasure completely.
In a healthy marriage, spouses care about the other person’s pleasure and desires.
Sex was designed to be a mutual act for both spouses that brings great intimacy and pleasure at the same time. As I explained in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, it was never supposed to be only physical.
When we make sex only about one person’s experience, though, then we’re totally erasing what God said sex was for. Sex is not just about meeting a man’s sexual needs; sex is about helping both of you feel super close.
God made sex to be AWESOME!
It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Feel like something’s missing?
So why do so many people seem to only focus on their own sexual needs?
Some people think that their experience of sex is the only right one
It may not be that they’re entirely selfish. It may honestly be that they don’t understand how their spouse works sexually.
You see, we grow up with the idea that “sex”=”intercourse”. Intercourse is the main event. And intercourse is the way that everyone is supposed to feel sexual pleasure. So if my wife isn’t getting pleasure, that’s really not my fault. It’s that she isn’t trying hard enough/isn’t in the mood enough/isn’t quite right sexually.
Foreplay is seen as optional, because most guys just don’t need it to get aroused. And people tend to believe their own experiences are the “right” ones. What we feel must be what other people feel, too. And if they don’t feel it, then they should. So if we get sexual pleasure from intercourse alone, so should they. That’s the way we’re made (they don’t really understand that women aren’t made the same way).
If that’s the case with your husband, then show him this post on how foreplay isn’t optional. It’s got a hilarious video in it that may help him understand what you feel!
To not care about your spouse’s sexual pleasure is sinful.
I hope that this situation is something that’s fixed just by explaining a bit more about women’s sexual experience.
In some cases, though, it isn’t. Some people are just plain selfish in bed.
And let’s be honest: 95% of the time that this occurs it’s the husband who doesn’t care whether the wife climaxes, and not the other way around. (There was a comment left by a man who was in the opposite position, but usually it’s the husband who climaxes and the wife who is left hanging). I’m aware that women tend to withhold sex more than men do (or at least not have sex very often), but in this specific dynamic we’re addressing spouses who, when intercourse does happen, don’t seem to be concerned that their spouse feels good.
That is wrong. That is selfish. That is sinful.
Sex was designed to be a mutual act for both spouses that brings great intimacy and pleasure at the same time.
I believe that the root of this problem comes from how our society and church talk about sex
We tend to portray men’s sexual desire as the “right” one. We portray intercourse as being the main event. We talk in churches about how men have sexual needs that need to be met, but we rarely talk about how women have sexual needs, too (and when we do talk about her needs, we usually frame it in terms of “she needs emotional connection”). So if men grow up hearing all about how in marriage they’ll get their sexual needs met, then they may not realize that they have an obligation as well to meet her needs.
Sometimes this grows into sexual shame
When we think of sexual shame, we usually think of women. But men can have sexual shame, too! If you grow up feeling as if every sexual feeling you have is sinful, then that doesn’t necessarily stop once you’re married. And you may think intercourse is okay, but anything else that seems the least bit risque (because it’s exciting) is somehow wrong. I wrote about this phenomenon shortly after the Ashley Madison/Josh Duggar scandal, because I think it explained what Josh did really well. And some guys may be suffering from the same thing (though hopefully they’re not out there looking to have an affair!).
One commenter this week, for instance, talked about how her husband refuses to let her guide his hand during foreplay, presumably because that’s too much like masturbation and that’s wrong. Another commenter said that her husband refuses anything other than the missionary position, because that’s wrong. When you grow up in a shamed filled culture, then plain old intercourse can easily seem like the only thing that’s blessed by God. And since men get plenty of pleasure from plain old intercourse, then this doesn’t always seem like a hardship.
So what do you do if your husband doesn’t care about your pleasure?
Often in the church we hear those “Do not deprive” verses from 1 Corinthians 7 talking about how we aren’t supposed to deny our husbands sex. And so even if our husbands are making no effort to help us feel good, we figure we’re still supposed to have sex.
That is not what those verses are saying.
1 Corinthians 7:3
3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 5 Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
The verses say that we should not deprive each other. And if your husband is using you selfishly, as if you are a sex toy, with no concern for your pleasure, then he is depriving you. He is sinning, and we are not to enable sin. Maybe that sin comes from a place of shame rather than selfishness, but either way, it does need to be confronted.
“Do not deprive” should never be used to tell a wife that she must have sex with a selfish husband who does not care about her needs. That ignores God’s design for mutuality and intimacy.
The verses “do not deprive” should never be used to tell a wife that she must have sex with a selfish husband who does not care about her needs. That is totally ignoring God’s design for mutuality and intimacy, which are the heart of sex, not just physical pleasure. The point of these verses is not about sexual release but about mutual giving. The gospel is about serving, not about demanding our rights. To read these verses to mean that women’s needs don’t matter while men’s sexual release does is to totally misunderstand Scripture.
So I would say this to your husband:
I love you and I want to be intimate with you. I long for a great, frequent sex life, and I am more than willing to throw myself into that. What I am not willing to do is to continue to have sex with you if you don’t care about my sexual needs. When we have sex, I don’t feel like we’re “making love” because you are not showing me love. You are not showing that you care about me, because you don’t seem to care if I have any pleasure or not. The Bible talks about sex being mutual and intimate. That means that you are depriving me, but you’re also depriving yourself of everything that God wants for us! When we can have a mutual sex life, when we’re both loving each other and giving each other pleasure, I am more than willing to jump in with both feet (or anything else!). But I’m not willing to be used as your sex toy. God made sex to be beautiful and intimate, and I feel as if you have turned it into something selfish, and that saddens me. I think we can do better, and I hope desperately that you agree.
Now, I wouldn’t say that before you have a good talk about how important foreplay is, because he honestly may not understand! And if sexual shame may be at the root of the issue, then I think talking about what God designed sex for may help (and The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex talks about this in detail). But as a wife, you do not have an obligation to have sex with a man who does not care about your needs at all. That is not the biblical view of sex.
Previous Posts on how Sex Should Be Mutual:
We Need a New Definition of Sex (that’s mutual!)
So let’s get back to her fantasy:
Why does she want to be tied up?
She just wants some attention, I think! She wants to be the focus of a sexual encounter, rather than it being solely about him, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I do think there’s something wrong with being “tied up” when the goal is to degrade someone or hurt someone. That’s the opposite of intimacy, and is really a fake vulnerability. But to desire to be made to be out of control just heightens sexual pleasure for some, and is not warped in any way, in my opinion (again, this is totally different from the 50 shades of grey phenomenon when it is about control and punishment and humiliation).
I can totally understand spouses being reluctant to do something like tie each other up. But there’s no reason why you can’t spend some time when each spouse is the total and complete focus of sexual stimulation for a time. That’s good and healthy. And maybe if couples did this more, sex would not seem so selfish, or like the other spouse is using you!
Your Sizzling Challenge!
Ask your husband, “are there things that you’d like in the bedroom that you’ve been afraid to ask about?” Let’s have that conversation!
And ask him how you two think you should decide on boundaries, too.
Special bonus: Try something new tonight!
Find other posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Series here.
Do you think that men have a harder time understanding how to please their wives than the other way around? How much do women bear the responsibility for this–if we don’t always tell them what we want? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I have to question the idea that a husband doesn’t know or understand. Maybe in years past, but not in our current time. The idea of sex as only intercourse has been gone for a long time. Foreplay brings a great deal of intimacy to a marriage and is truly for both husband and wife. If a husband is only focused on himself, then he is simply selfish and has no excuse. He is also missing out on a fulfilling intimate relationship with his wife. I admit, I could be wrong, maybe there are guys that do not understand, but it has got to be very rare.
Regarding sexual fantasy, I have let my wife know that I will try anything she would like to try, provided it is along biblical guidelines. I have seen your comments regarding this and it’s very much in line with both my own thoughts and biblical guidelines; no third parties, etc. I would, however, be uncomfortable with the writer’s request. I do, however, commend this lady for having the courage to make her request to her husband. It is sad that he could not at least talk with her, let her know how precious she is, and discuss how he could bring her pleasure, even if he doesn’t fully fulfill her request.
Maybe you’re right, and they do understand. But given the vast, vast numbers of women who talk to me and complain that their husbands don’t try to satisfy them, or don’t want to do any foreplay, I guess I just don’t want to believe that that many men are truly that selfish.
I honestly think that many men just don’t understand that many women don’t find intercourse all that pleasurable, in and of itself. I still think that there’s an expectation that she “should”, and so this is all we really have to do, and the rest is extra. I’m not sure. But if they do all understand, as you said, then that means that many, many husbands are selfish. I guess I’d rather believe the other. Sigh.
Sheila,
I believe you when you say there are many that are selfish. I believe this is a very small minority of men, but you hear more about them during to this site. Your husband doesn’t hear about all the healthy people, because he treats the sick, but not everyone is sick. I have to remind myself of this when I look at marriage sites or I could find myself with a negative attitude toward all marriage.
And I truly feel sorry for those who focus only on intercourse. They are missing out just as much as their wives. They are settling for a shadow of the amazing gift of intimacy rather than the full package.
I haven’t read all the comments, but has anyone discussed the famous female G spot located INSIDE The vagina? Where Orgasm is achieved through INTERCOURSE? Do we think it’s odd that so many women have secretly purchased ‘male shaped’ toys in order to reach her climax? And that women can actually ‘squirt’ when aroused? Not sure how the G spot affects childbirth, but again, its Gods design and God doesn’t make mistakes
Yes, I believe many men don’t realize that a lot of women don’t find intercourse all that pleasurable. Like Sheila said, society teaches us all that intercourse is “the thing”. I certainly grew up thinking that women would feel intense pleasure from intercourse (at least after a time or two). The clitoris wasn’t harped on a lot in sex ed in high school. It still seems strange that a woman’s pleasure center is “off to the side” so to speak. That doesn’t seem like a God design to me.
I also believe a lot of men are selfish though. So I think both things are occurring.
It’s even stranger than you realize! Did you know that penises are, basically, just really, really big clitorises? It’s true! The penis is what a clitoris grows into while in the womb, if the right genetic switch gets flipped that causes an infant to develop into a male child, instead of remaining female. Everyone starts life out as a girl! Isn’t that amazing? Once one knows that fact, it then makes perfect sense that the pleasure center for women is the clitoris, because it’s just a smaller version of what men have. It’s not “off to the side,” at least no more so than a penis is. 🙂
SCIENCE!!!
Blair, yes, I actually knew this. But then we’re realizing that God has taken the focus away from the clitoris over to the penis and the vagina. The act to produce life involves the penis and vagina, not the clitoris. Why did he shortchange women’s pleasure? It seems to me like God did not play a part.
I actually don’t believe God shortchanged women’s pleasure at all. I can shortchange my wife by placing myself ahead of her pleasure (and shortchange myself as a result as the time spent together will not be as intimate or intense). Knowing that my wife gets great pleasure from an all over body message and stimulation of the clitoris tells me that God intended sexual intimacy to be slower and more purposely focused. And if we were both instant on and easy finish, our time together would lack the full emotional connection that makes it so precious.
FollowerOfChrist, yes, but the default is that the man can get his pleasure quickly. Men, by their nature and throughout history, are more “take” than women are, who are by their nature more “give” and nurturing. If God had only made women’s sexual pleasure easy, and men’s hard, then He would have forced a change to this dynamic, at least in the sexual arena. Instead, God actually enforces and strengthens the gender stereotypes/proclivities by setting up male and female genitalia the way He did. See my point?
Yes, Tom, I understand your point, but I think it is our thinking that is flawed, not God’s design. Sex wasn’t made to be easy, it was made to draw a husband and wife closer together. This dynamic in intimacy forces husband’s to be purposeful in their approach with their wives, to be sacrificial in bed as well as other areas of our relationship in order to love our wives and put their needs ahead of our own. The end result can be spectacular.
FollowerOfChrist, you write “This dynamic in intimacy forces …” But I’m saying it doesn’t force anything. It just enables more selfishness on guys’ part. What if God set things up so guys HAD to do a lot of special stuff to women sexually in order to get aroused? Wouldn’t that have been better? The way He set things up, guys can ignore the clitoris and still have an intense orgasm (even if it’s not as intense as what you’re talking about).
Tom, I trust God, and believe He set things up perfectly. Yes, He could have done things differently, but that does not excuse use (husbands) from ignoring the sexual needs of our wives. He did things in a way that, as a husband, I have to be intentional about intimacy with my wife. Yes, I could settle for less, and my wife actually enjoys a quickie on occasion simply because she knows it is a great gift for me. However, I would give up a great blessing if I didn’t regularly focus on my wife’s pleasure. I don’t know how else to explain it other than I trust God, I know He has His very best planned for me, and sometimes that best is for me to grow as a person and a husband. I can choose to grow or choose to be self-focused. I gain more if I grow in my relationship with my wife and my God.
Tom, if the massive amount of nerve endings that are ‘off to the side’ would be inside the vagina, then maybe sexual pleasure would be easier, but giving birth would be unbearable. It is intense as it is, but having the clitoris outside and off to the side is clearly smart design.
But Lydia, the pleasure sensations could be suppressed when giving birth. There are a lot of dual-purpose organs or areas in the body. Heck, look at the penis. Most of the time it’s used for urination, not intercourse, and men don’t have orgasms when they urinate.
That’s why it’s so important to raise our children to be emotionally mature. Our daughters need to be strong enough and confident enough to reject a selfish or emotionally immature man. Our sons need to know how to be one of the good ones.
Women are hormonally wired to be attracted to men who will make great fathers and partners. This is why a woman can climax easily with her husband but still have a low libido if he’s behaving selfishly or immaturely in other areas of life. It’s incredibly unattractive.
Because it’s not convenient and easy, it doesn’t seem like God’s design?
Kacey, yep, it is 100% God’s design (and a wonderful design) . I know, it was a rhetorical question, but I had to answer. I wouldn’t want my wife to be made any other way.
I agree. I was just asking Tom for clarification, since that seemed to be what he was saying.
In my marriage, this had a lot to do with maturation. As a young dating and engaged couple, we did a lot (too much) of making out, etc. Then, when we were married, I still wanted that but my husband saw that as what you did when you couldn’t have sex. It took a lot of honest communication, over and over, to really sink in since it was so far from his experience. He would say himself he was selfish then but also we needed to mature. It took time to figure out how I work and to understand the joy in pleasing another.
I really think the communication was key. If you’re married to a good man who loves you, don’t let it go. He doesn’t want you to feel used but he may not realize the extent of things if you talk about it a few times and then give it up because he doesn’t seem to get it. Keep talking.
I feel I have a similar problem, though I don’t feel it is done purposefully… We are young (25,26) and have been married 5 years. While I think we have similar drives, I often feel like somehow his drive is constantly overpowered by his ambition in his career. He runs his own business and thus is always busy. He can work a 12hr day at the job and then come home and put in 2 or more hours of paperwork/phone calls. Not only does this make me feel like a single mom (we have a 2 yr old and a 4mo) but whenever we do have sex, I often feel like he’s rushing so that he can go to sleep and/or i feel like he feels obligated because I have to ask 2 or 3 times before we actually have sex, and then I feel like he doesn’t actually want me at all.
I know that he’s tired from working so hard, but I’m tired of having to be “understanding” when I feel like I am never a priority.
That is really, really hard, Beth. I know at times I’ve been very like your husband. I have a great business idea and I have so many things running through my mind and I just want to get back to them. The only thing that worked was finally telling myself, “at X o’clock, I am shutting down. No more.”
I do have a post about how to vision what you want for your family, and sometimes if you talk through the big things with your husband, he can see that he does need to prioritize things more. You can see that post here, and I hope it helps!
My challenges are that my wife says she has no sexual desires or fantasies. She says she never thought about it. Very different from our courtship experince. All considering in if one has a healthy marriage how do you draw that out? I am all about giving my wife pleasure. She just wont ask. What I have been experiencing is that with the work that I am doing many of the things discussed around here are happening naturally. As I put work towards any given area and then research and apply, that natural thing that is happeneing gets better as I put more effort in. It is quite awesome btw đź‘Ť
My husband and I have great sex together, in a variety of positions, and he is great with foreplay and making sure I go (multiple times!). I even have the higher drive. But I have never “fantasized” about anything. When I hear peoples’ fantasies–like the one in the question–they sound really weird to me, and I always assume they’re brought on by porn or erotica. Is that the case? I don’t want to ask my husband his fantasies as he’s used porn, and I’d just assume they were coming from that (even if they weren’t). :-/
Yeah, if your husband has used porn in the past, then that can be difficult to delve into fantasy. I totally understand. I think many people do have fantasies, but if you have great sex–then I think that’s totally great, too!
My husband doesn’t mind foreplay, except he dives straight into all the things he likes to do regardless of if I ask him to wait. It’s not that I don’t like those things, I’m just not warmed up enough yet to really enjoy them. I feel like he does this just enough to convince me to have sex then it’s over. He’s asleep and I’m left hanging and now all worked up. It doesn’t seem fair that when he’s done it’s over when he’s perfectly capable of still doing the things he did before. I don’t feel close to him. I feel used. And after every time I think “I never want to do this again. ” But I always do with hope that it might be different. :/
You may already have, but talk to him. Not necessarily in the moment, but maybe in the beginning. Perhaps he doesn’t realize he is making you less excited about being intimate in the future. Please don’t give up, as it is important for both of you.
What do you recommend for the reverse? I constantly ask and want to slow things down with my wife, take more time, focus on her, but she either says she doesn’t want that, or just says, “let’s get to it.” It makes it feel like she’s just trying to get sex over with and “fulfill her wifely duty.”
I’d love to take more time, more foreplay, etc, but she usually says no. It’s only one of the things that I feel contribute to our far from ideal sex life.
How do you recommend men encourage their wives to be more open to accepting their husband’s desires to give them pleasure?
After some of the comments in the his night / her night, this may sound odd, or humorous. Long back rub leading to long body rubs does wonders for my wife. It allows her to relax, sets a wonderful mood, and lets the stress leave her body. It is a way that I can focus my attention on her. It may not be spicy or something one will read in the trashy magazines at the check out aisle, but it gives us time to connect, and knowing that I will be thrilled with the ending helps me to be patient, usually.
If she’s like me, she doesn’t want to have to tell you what to do. She just wants you to think for yourself and DO IT. Sometimes the element of surprise is the sexiest thing you can do.
I have three kids and run a child care. I tell people what to do all day. I tell my husband what to do 85% of the time, too. I feel like the manager of the house (which, is really true). So in the bedroom, I really don’t want to have to spell anything out.
Instead of asking her what she wants, I suggest just trying something. Think of several things you want to try with your wife. Think of what you really think she’d like that has literally nothing to do with any of your own physical pleasure. Then, before the sexual encounter is even an option, do some extra chores. Give her compliments. Make her feel appreciated all-around.
I have the same problem. My husband is really rushing, I feel he doesnt want me likes he used to. Sexual marriage may be really tedious with him. Sometime, he saddens me because he uses me like a sex toy. When I talk to him, he was really angry and he said it was my fault which didnt ask him when we had sex. I’m really embarrassed and tedious. We can not intimate like when we were a couple. Maybe he stop loving me.
I struggle with this so much in my marriage. I have talked to my husband about it over and over and now he completely refuses to foreplay and has refused for a long time. He has hurt my feelings so many times and made me cry over it. I thought at one point that he was confused about the way a female reaches climax but I now know that he doesn’t care. He said some very hurtful things to me just the other night that crushed me inside. He even told me he would rather me use toys and me just please myself. He lashes out at me and turns it on me as if I am attacking his abilities or saying he isn’t good enough. I have never done that. Only tried to guide him and explain what I want. He has also stopped even kissing me. We are in a terrible place in our marriage.
Oh, Heather, I’m so sorry. That’s really not right, and it reveals some serious problems. When sex becomes selfish, it gets seriously perverted and it robs both of you of the intimacy you were intended to have.
I’d really recommend you seek some counselling to talk this over with someone. This is important, and when we feel like we completely don’t matter, and we’re just being used, that can be very devastating to our soul. Please get some help! Again, I’m so sorry.
Hey I’m 24yrs old I’ve been with my partner for 7 years.
He was always very attentive in that area for most of our relationship. After my son was born a little over 3 years ago our sex life hasn’t slowed down very much. It has just become about his needs in bed. I have spoken to him about it and he is aware of the problem. He just doesn’t care. We are living with my mother atm in the lounge room which makes alone time hard to find. But we still manage to find the time. I’m just not getting anything back. I’ve tried to make sex more spontaneous and romantic but it’s still all for him. I’m close to ending the relationship as it’s sad to say buy the sex was the only thing we seemed to agree on and now that’s gone.
Any advice would me appreciated. I don’t know what to do. I am against cheating and I don’t want break up our little family over this.
Hi K, that’s so tough. And it’s especially tough when there’s a little boy involved! I think you need to make a decision: Do you want to be with this man forever and raise his child together? And now that you do have a child, that child is depending on both of you. So I think you need to decide if you’re going to make things permanent and get married and try to get your own place and be parents, or if you’re going to go it alone. I don’t think sex is really the issue here. I think it’s the relationship. Unfortunately you’ve done things a little backwards, and you have a baby. But you have to figure out what you’re going to do for that baby. And that means figuring out if this man is a reliable father, or if he’s selfish or lazy. I can’t answer that for you, but I do encourage you to make some big decisions, because your son is depending on you and his dad for stability. So you need to figure out–are you going to be able to give that to him with this man?