If you want to balance getting spicy in the bedroom with feeling like you totally respect and honour each other, “his” and “hers” nights are a great marriage tool!

We’re closing up the second week of our Sizzling Summer Sex Series, and today I want to talk about one way couples can negotiate how to get spicy in the bedroom–without going overboard.

One suggestion I’ve made repeatedly when I talk about how to get more adventurous in bed, or how to tell your spouse what you want, is to try “his” and “her” nights, where on those nights you get to do what one spouse wants–but on other nights you just do the regular things that you both enjoy together!

How “His” and “Hers” Nights Can Benefit You

They allow you to try things that one person may not particularly like, but is willing to do

Maybe there’s something you really enjoy, but you know your spouse doesn’t. It’s hard to ask them to do something if they really don’t like it. But if you know that it will be reciprocated, then it’s easier to be giving.

They let each of you know that just because you say yes to something every now and then doesn’t mean they’ll demand it all the time

Let’s say that one spouse wants oral sex, for instance, and the other isn’t really that keen. One reason that a spouse may say no is that they may be scared that “if I do this now, they’ll want it all the time!” And it can actually make them avoid sex altogether. If they know that it they say yes it doesn’t mean that they’ll be asked every time you make love, it makes it easier to throw yourself into it now.

You can add some spice without pressure to live up to the same standard every night

Let’s face it: we can’t be spicy all the time. That’s just too tiring! And so sometimes we’re spicy none of the time. This allows us to make sure that sex doesn’t get boring without feeling like we have to do something out of this world every single time we make love.

You make sure that you each get total attention and pleasure

Often sex becomes one-sided where one person gets most of the pleasure. Having “his” nights and “hers” nights ensures that at least every now and then one spouse will be the total focus of attention.

How to Make “His” and “Hers” Nights Work Best

Agree that no one has to do something that they find sinful or very distasteful

Nobody should ever violate their conscience. And even if you would really like to do something, if you know that it’s wrong, steer clear! Anything involving a third party, involving humiliating or hurting someone, involving risky behaviour that could hurt someone is definitely off of the table. And watching porn together? Not okay, either.

But what if it’s just something you really find distasteful, but you don’t think is actually wrong? I think it depends on the level of discomfort. If it triggers a huge panic attack, then it’s totally okay to say no! If you know that doing this thing will cause you emotional damage, or will cement negative views of sex, then it’s okay to say, “I can’t do that.” And if there’s something that you absolutely just can’t do because it grosses you out–totally okay as well.

Sometimes, though, there are things that we wouldn’t choose but that are honestly good. Even innocuous things–like starting the evening with a 45 minute back massage! You may not choose to do that normally, but you can do that once in a while.

I talked earlier this week about how to figure out if something is sinful or just distasteful, too.

Schedule “his” and “hers” nights regularly–but not too often

I suggest taking two Saturdays out of the month and making one “hers” and one “his”. That way each month you get one night that’s everything you want, but other times are for both of you. If it’s something someone really doesn’t care for too much, once a month isn’t that demanding.

But you can also schedule them more often if you want, or even less often (like your birthday and half-birthday). The key is to schedule it and make it regular, or else someone could say, “Hey, let’s make it my night tonight!” and ignore the other spouse.

Write down possible things you may want to try

I’d suggest that once a year you write down a whole bunch of things you’d like to try (if there are a whole bunch!). Even write down what an ideal interlude would look like. Would you start with a massage? A lingerie show? Would you like to try different positions? Be as detailed as you can.

Here’s what can happen if we don’t do this: there’s something you’d like to try (maybe it’s oral sex; maybe it’s a different position; whatever!). But you’re really shy about saying it. If it’s “your” night and your spouse says, “Okay, what do you want to do?”, you may clam up. But if it’s written down, your spouse can just reach in and pull out that piece of paper, and then you don’t have to say a thing!

Make a commitment to follow through on your spouse’s desires

Sometimes your spouse may write something down, but then when the time comes they chicken out. They’re embarrassed. If it’s something your spouse wants, it’s okay to push them a little. (If your spouse says “absolutely not!”, though, then you need to stop).

So there you go–a way to get spicier without violating anyone’s conscience or pressuring each other too much. And a great way to have more fun!

Find other posts in the Sizzling Summer Sex Series here.

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