Ever feel like you and your husband are switching libidos?
Maybe he used to want sex all the time, and you really didn’t. But now you’d really like to reboot your sex life, but he’s the one holding back.
What gives?
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And a few years ago I wrote an important post on this topic that I really thought we should revisit, because it’s a pattern that I see again and again.
It goes something like this: A couple gets married and sex is ho hum. He wants it all the time, and you just really don’t. So you say no. A lot. And he gets used to you never saying yes when he initiates sex.
Years go by. Sex becomes less and less frequent.
And then something happens. Maybe you realize that your marriage is getting distant, and not having sex is definitely contributing to that! Maybe you’re hitting your late 30s and your libido is kicking in! Maybe you’ve been working at boosting your libido because you don’t want to miss out on what everyone says is so amazing.
You think your husband would be raring to go! But instead, if you try to initiate sex, he shuts down. Now he’s the one saying no!
It really is as if your libidos have switched. You’ve traded places.
When I wrote The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I intended to only survey women. So I asked about 2000 women about their sex lives, and found out that about 42% of women said that they had sex less than once a week. That surprised me a bit, so I thought maybe I had better ask the men some questions, too. I wrote a new survey for them and asked them similar questions.
Got the same frequency result: 42% less than once a week. So the samples were good.
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Sex was supposed to be amazing and incredibly intimate. And if it’s not there yet for you, don’t worry. It can just be the most fun research project you and your husband ever do together!
But then something interesting happened. On the surveys I allowed the men to leave open-ended responses to some questions, if there was something they wanted to say. And over and over again, man after man said virtually the same thing: I’m so lonely and I feel so rejected and my wife just doesn’t get it. And often what I read was something along these lines:
It’s been a big issue for many years. I usually withdraw. I lose sleep, and it impacts every aspect of me. Then my wife gets mad at me for letting it impact me.
You know there is a lack of interest, but you don’t really know why. So you start wondering, “what is wrong with me?”
And eventually some of the comments moved to something like this:
I would do everything to try to get my wife to say yes. I did all the chores. I bought her flowers. I was romantic. And nothing worked. So I decided a few years ago that the only way I’d survive in this marriage is if I just came to terms with the fact that we just won’t have sex. So I stopped initiating. She didn’t notice for a few months, and then every now and then she’d try again, I think because she thought I was mad. But I don’t want pity sex and I don’t want to start the whole cycle again. So I just tell her no.
Wow. That’s sad. And it’s also incredibly common! Maybe it’s not to that extreme in your marriage, but at marriage conferences we’ve talked to plenty of men who have said that they’ve virtually stopped initiating sex, almost out of self-preservation. They don’t want to get their libidos going and they don’t want the constant rejection.
And often there’s a big element of bitterness and anger in there, too. “She hurt me so much, so I want her to see how it feels!” It’s not right, but honestly? I think it’s kind of understandable.
Okay. Now back to the current situation.
What do you do if you were refusing sex often in your marriage, and now you ARE changing, but your husband doesn’t trust you?
I had a letter from a low libido wife recently which said this:
My husband finds our lack of sex particularly hurtful. When this comes up, I often rush to read a book or post about sex, to try and fix the issue, but this would only ever work “for next time”. A sincere “sorry, (insert attempt at explanation), I’ll try harder from now on” just doesn’t cut it – my husband is hurt and I can’t fix it. What do I do to show him I’m serious?
You’ve been distant and you’ve been hurting each other, and now you want to change the dynamic. But your husband isn’t buying it quite yet. What do you do?
Please note: I’m not talking in this blog post to women whose husbands have ALWAYS had low libidos. If that’s the case, this series on why your husband doesn’t want to make love is likely more applicable. But if your husband used to have a high libido, and now he’s turning you down–read on.
Live out the change–Initiate sex
Keep living out the change. If the problem is that you’ve had a low libido and you’ve been refusing sex, then initiate sex. Buy some lingerie. Talk to him about it.
What if he’s really not interested and keeps refusing?
You have an open conversation with him where you admit all of your faults–without blaming him. Even if his behaviour was part of what gave you a low libido, you own what you did. In the words of Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount, you take the log out of your own eye (you deal with your own issues first) (Matthew 7:3-5).
You tell him that you realize what you did to him, and you’re sincerely sorry. And now you’d like to rebuild your sex life. And keep initiating. If you’re not sure how to initiate sex, I’ve got a great post with 10 tips right here!
You can even ask if he’d be willing to schedule sex, so that you can show that you’re serious. You can pick 2 or 3 nights a week where you’d like to make love, and pencil it in. And you can tell him that you promise you’ll only cancel on him once a month at the most–unless you’re genuinely ill with a fever or something.
He still may not be appreciative. He still may withdraw. Or, when you do make love, you may find it supremely unsatisfying because he’s only interested in pleasing himself (he may seem almost angry), and so you don’t get much pleasure from it.
Give him time to be angry and to see that you’re serious. It takes a lot for a guy to break down a wall that he’s built, especially if he’s built it out of self-preservation.
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Don’t withdraw or sulk if your libidos have totally switched and now he says no
What if you’re hurt? What if you feel lonelier than you’ve ever felt in your life because he’s rejecting you (or being selfish in bed)? How can you deal with these feelings?
My suggestion: don’t withdraw from him and don’t sulk. Say to him,
“I’m feeling really lonely and discouraged right now, but I want you to know that whatever you do, I’m not going to give up on this. I want our marriage strong and I want to have a great sex life, and I’m going to hang in there even if you don’t feel loving towards me right now.”
Acknowledge how you feel, but don’t withdraw. And remember: this process may take months–or even years. Changing the dynamic in marriage doesn’t always happen immediately.
Go to God for your emotional needs if you feel rejected sexually and emotionally
And in those lonely days, draw as close to God as you can. Pray blessing over your husband, very specifically, in every area of his life. The more you pray about these specific things, the more your mind gets turned to what God is doing in his life, instead of what your husband is doing to hurt you.
Go to battle for your marriage, and your husband, by praying blessing over him, and by praying for your marriage. And spend some time everyday just in prayer and in reading Scripture, listening to worship songs, or anything that gets your eyes on God. Keep your eyes there and you’ll find that you’re better able to withstand rejection from your husband.
Push through the tension and LOVE him–with or without sex
It will feel tense when he’s testing you. You will be tempted to lash out. Don’t. Learn to love him despite his actions. And don’t just initiate sex–initiate other things that make him feel loved. Study his love language and live it out. Make your husband your special project where you can think and pray about how to make his life better. Maybe it’s helping him organize a work project, or organize the garage, or complete an application for a job or internship he’s been wanting. Maybe it’s encouraging him to pursue a dream. I don’t know–but become a student of your husband and find practical ways to support him even outside the bedroom.
If you haven’t been connecting sexually for a long time, chances are he has not felt connected to you hardly at all for that whole length of time. It will take some serious effort for him to allow himself to trust you and become vulnerable with you again–and that vulnerability is necessary for real intimacy.
Don’t rush the process of reconciling sexually
Let him go through the needed emotional steps. And you need to go through it too–to understand what he felt, to figure out how to love him, to figure out how to go to God with your issues.
So pray for strength and grace for yourself, and remember: When your heart’s desire is to act like Christ and love someone unconditionally, God gives you that strength when you seek it. That is a wonderful desire and a wonderful prayer. But it can’t be a manipulative one–“do you see what I’m doing to change? Aren’t you grateful?” You’re being amazing to him so that you can change your marriage, right?
No, you’re amazing to him because it’s the right thing to do.
And usually, the more we do that, the more we change the dynamic and the relationship does change. But even if it doesn’t right away, and even if change takes time, you are still doing the right thing. And as you do that, you’ll feel closer to God and Jesus will become more real to you. Cling to that in this time. Marvel at it. And you may just find that you aren’t as lonely as you thought you’d be.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This post really resonates with me. Having been through a rough patch recently, I’ve found that touch is such a great healer. I started making the effort to go to bed at the same time as my husband (I used to be so bad about slipping into bed long after he was asleep) and just give him a back rub until we both fell asleep. At first, he felt guilty that he wasn’t reciprocating, but I told him that it really helped me relax and feel close. This is my time to silently pray for him and our marriage. Sometimes the back rubs lead to more, sometimes he reciprocates, and sometimes he doesn’t. Sometimes we talk and sometimes it’s just our quiet time. My goal is for him to drift off to sleep feeling loved and appreciated and I think we’re getting there!
That’s really beautiful, Jodi! I love it. Especially the part about praying for him while you touch him. My husband is really good at that, too!
Love the original post and I love this comment! Both are so helpful.
Best post ever!
Thank you!
Thank you for the reminder Sheila to just love my husband. In all areas of Our Lives. And to go to God when I’m feeling lonely.
I refused my husband for almost 20 years. And it’s been almost two years since I repented and I really did think that he would just pick right up where we left off. But he really did turn his libido off. For protection. So it’s taking time. My issue is not that he’s refusing me but he’s being simply selfish in bed and not meeting my needs. After reading this post, this is totally understandable. I just hope and pray that we can experience our sex life the way God wants us to at some point.
That’s so hard, Lisa! Especially with the health challenges I know you have. But I know God’s been doing such an amazing thing in your life, and I just pray for a greater and greater friendship with your husband so that you can build that healthy camaraderie and be able to talk about these things well. Prayers for you today!
When I first read this post, I thought for sure you were going to get heaps of flack for the ‘just have sex – even if he seems angry and after his own pleasure’ suggestion. I completely understand where that suggestion is coming from, and I also understand that for a lot of people, it will work. I can also understand why people might push back on that point. I’m really surprised no one has yet (but I guess it’s early days!). I think your suggestion to find other ways to speak love to him is an excellent one. Also not lashing out. This can all be so hard, but it really can be worth it!
Personally, I am in the middle of a healing marriage after infidelity (mine). Sexual intimacy is difficult in this season. My husband also suffers chronic pain which can limit our love making. He obviously has a lot of emotional healing to do after my infidelity, but we are getting there. I have to heal from years of wrong sexual choices (including the infidelity, but also dissociation and lots of bad habits!). Also, I am learning to communicate better. My husband has some anger issues (not related to my infidelity) and I am a ‘people pleaser whose love language is words of affirmation, so I really feel criticism a LOT. We are both learning and growing though. And loving each other. We are a long way from perfect, but each right choice gets us closer!
I really like Jodi’s suggestion of the back rub & prayer. I do the same thing! Also, we have an ‘early alarm’ set in the morning for about 15min before we have to get up, and that time is spent just waking up slowly, holding each other. It is a fantastic way to start the day, and on the mornings where we don’t have time for this, we both really miss it. One of my husbands love languages is quality time, and my other main one is touch, so this meets both those needs!
Current sporadically-denied husband weighing in here.
My wife & I are both in our early 40’s, and I am the husband that Shiela describes in virtually every sense. When the rejection became predictable – whether by her outright rejection of my advances or the “pre-emptive strikes” (ex. “I know it’s early, but I’m exhausted. Good night.”), my self-preservation instincts kicked in and I just stopped trying to initiate with my wife. Up to that point, I did have a fairly strong libido, and I think it would be fair to say far stronger than my wife’s.
During this “virtual castration,” I predictably focused on myself, especially at my job, and in doing more things alone…like exercising, hobbies, etc. This is normal behavior for me for the most part – I’m more focused/accomplish more in those areas when I don’t have to adapt to someone else’s wants/needs. And I’m happy to say that I’ve been reaping various rewards from it all…rewards that my wife shares in and takes advantage of. If you remember the “Seinfeld” episode where George Costanza has a cognitive awakening when his sex life diminishes, that’s a pretty close comparison to my experiences.
About 6-9 months ago, she realized she couldn’t remember the last time we’d had sex, and she wanted to do something about it. I can’t say that she has had a “libido re-awakening,” but her “pre-emptive strikes” had become not-so-subtle hints that I didn’t even need to play my cards right to get lucky; all I had to do was take a seat at the table.
And yes…suddnly I am/was the one doing the rejecting. That can sound confusing, so I’ll explain.
At first, this actually was a motivating “thing” for her; get his engine revving again. She tried all of the common avenues…lingerie, books, “accessories”, etc. And I certainly noticed…but in me it awakened nothing internally. Again…I’m not proud of that and certainly not the response I wanted to have, but if I’m being honest.
Obviously, this all lead to several unpleasant conversations. I was begged…and obliged the request…to have my testosterone levels checked. Three times, three different testing facilities, and all results very well within the normal range.
After being asked by her to commit to reading the Five Love Languages, she determined that she was primarily “Quality Time.” “Physical Touch” was notable for her as well.
While I scored solidly in “Acts of Service,” it was not necessarily for the reasoning the used to explain or justify it. Simply put, I perform acts of service – again – almost always out of self-preservation. Simply put…if I don’t, things won’t get done. For example, I get her coffee to her as she’s getting ready for work in the morning because – by her own admission – she’s very unpleasant to be around in the morning until she gets that first cup, and very frankly, my day is likely to be difficult already and I don’t need that cherry on top. It’s my “pre-emptive strike.” I make her breakfast for her in the morning because if I didn’t, then she’ll be late to work…that causes a problem…and that will carry over to the home life as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow. There are more examples, but the takeaway is this; I do what I do for her for my sake at least as much as hers…and because if I didn’t get the oil changed in her car or make sure she had clean clothes to start the week…it probably wouldn’t get done (she’s a busy professional and just cannot be home as much as I can).
We’ve been taking part in marriage counseling at church for this issue. At the encouragement of some Godly men I trust there – including our minister – I’ve actively and intentionally taken 1 Corinthians 7, 3-5 to heart and apply it as best I can.
Recently, this lead to the “intended result”…at least on the surface. That is to say, her “satisfaction” was genuine and unmistakable, whereas mine was more of an illusion put on for her benefit. It’s probably best (and embarrassing) to call it what it was – “pity sex.”
I’ve chosen not to tell her that and am resolved in that decision; while perhaps not advisable, that manner of pleasure and closeness – much like the testosterone check and book – was important to her and I obliged because I could and should…because, per Paul, it was my duty. But I cannot truthfully say that I am “happier” in my marriage or feel in any way to my wife than I was before.
Will I continue to work on this? Of course. Do I need it? I think I’m supposed to…though it’s hard to feel something that isn’t there. It’s not of the same importance, but I equate it to agreeing to go out to eat when you’re not hungry. For now, I guess I’ll continue to submit in this manner and pray that something is re-awoken in me.
Thank you for sharing. I think it’s important for other women to hear your story. And if I can offer some advice, you know what I would start doing? Just be friends again. It sounds like you have lost that affection and respect for one another along the way. Instead of trying to get sex right or trying to figure out how to love each other (which sounds like it’s transactional in your case), what about just deliberately spending time together fostering a friendship again? I don’t think sex can come back until you have some mutual affection, and that can’t come back without some down time together where you just laugh again.
“virtual castration” – great way to put it!
I found it really interesting to read Mark’s point of view and for me it highlights the difficulty many men seem to have in talking about their feelings. My husband bottled up feelings of dissatisfaction with the relationship for about four years and it was only when I found out about a liaison with a work colleague that I realised. I very rarely refused sex but the infrequency of it took its toll (in both of us). I was mortified when I learnt of his changed feelings and upset that I didn’t have a chance to try and put things right. He tells me he doesn’t know what he wants and that he’s not ready to work at the relationship. It has been a very painful time and I’m feeling rejected in every way. I think he is extremely wary of showing his vulnerability/trusting me (because I think he thinks I might leave him because of what’s happened and other behaviours) but if I start to cool off a bit because I’m hurt and confused, he backs off even further. I always say that I can deal with the truth however painful, but I can’t deal with the unsaid and hurtful behaviour. Some of his behaviour is selfish and he tells me he is still seeing this girl though won’t expand on what it means. I have finally decided to give him an ultimatum that is to choose between continuing to see her (and leave) or staying and seeing whether our commitment can be renewed. I think he has lost respect for me because I have carried on as normal and have wanted a physical relationship but it has been a painful process to work out what’s going on and my role in it. I have found the suggestions very helpful and think (if he decides to stay) that as Sheila says, we focus on friendship and take it from there.
Really wise and it’s so good to see these words. It’s really about submitting in love to our husbands, which is sooooo hard to do but I’ve been on a journey of taking tiny steps to try and do these things. Really hard to initiate when you don’t feel like it or when you’re thinking about yourself and your own needs rather than that of your husband. It’s a sacrifice of love, and I’ve got a lot to learn! Thank you for the encouragement Sheila. There is so much worldly advice out there about doing all of this stuff in partnership, basically tit for tat, but this is a whole other angle and takes real love!
What a really difficult place to be in. I’ve seen this in so many marriages. One person is the sexual refuser and it causes the other person to give up. When the sexual refuser figures out that they stopped trying, they start to initiate. The spouse doesn’t want to get their hopes up or feel like they are being led on, so they don’t respond. It makes for a really hurtful cycle. More communication is so important in these times.
Indeed, the spouse who feels sexually betrayed (in our case that was my wife, due to my porn habit, and my initial lack of commitment in dealing with it) loses interest in sex. That’s such a hard thing to overcome and heal in a relationship.
The things that I think helped the most in our case:
– not giving into immature desires to “avenge the (thing perceived as) vengeance”
– scheduled daily discussions about the betrayal
– giving her ways to make sure the betrayal is over
– trying to generally spend more time together, to be closer
– the healing power of (not necessarily sexual) touch has been mentioned several times. Massages for example, which communicate “I like you and love to touch you and want to make you feel better” rather than “I am doing this because I really want to have sex with you now”
Wow!!! Sooo this is me and my wife. We are about to Celebrate 14 years of marriage with some rough patches along the way, but sex has never been something my wife ever seems to want. We will go weeks and shes says it is her way to build it up or something. Recently I have felt myself almost looking for a reason avoid sex and I hate that! I am a physical person and just sometimes want to feel close. The funny thing is is if I show her this post she will probably take it the wrong way and may think I am just reading about ways to get laid. Catch 22 I guess….
I guess my big struggle isn’t that I used to say no and now I want sex, it’s that my husband has NEVER had interest in sex with me. It’s never been more than once a month, other than our horrendous honeymoon where he forced himself to have sex with me once a day for about a week and a half and he did it like I was a chore. It’s not that I went from saying no to wanting to say yes, it’s that he just doesn’t want me hardly ever. And He won’t say yes any of the times I initiate. I try not to initiate too often because it stresses him out. I don’t know how to balance that with this.
I like the perspective here, and I am in the same (kind of ) situation. Married 27 years. I (hubby) with the higher sex drive. I find myself not reacting well to her advances lately, but I wonder about the reason. In this blog (and many others) you speak of denying sex, but I see the same effect in denying intimacy. My wife has rarely told me ‘no’, and when she has, it’s been for a good reason. When we do have sex, however, its usually with her just…..lying there. There’s not really any intimacy there….just sex. Many would call that ‘pity sex’, I guess, but how can you call it that when she initiates?
I guess what I am asking is…does the quality of sex have anything to do with the reaction here in this blog, or is it just the frequency? I’m at the point where I would rather have her refuse (or me refuse altogether), then to have sex with a dead fish. All these reactions above sound exactly what I’m going through, yet I could have sex a couple times a week with my wife….and still have all this going on.
Your thoughts?
I can see myself in this post. We have sex a couple of times a month but it feels mostly like pity sex. My wife normally goes to bed at 7 or 8pm because she is too exhausted to do anything. Sometimes she will want to at about 3am when I have to get up for work in an hour which doesn’t always work out. When it does its more like her just laying on her back. I really long for romantic sex and love making but after 42 years it’s probably not going to happen. I wish my wife would learn to enjoy love making and to have fun doing it.
It’s simple, you failed to water the flowers, they died. After years of rejection you’ve trained him to no longer desire you nor entrust his emotions with you.