What do you do if your husband just isn’t “equipped” to satisfy you physically?
Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and I’m excited to turn the page this week on childhood sexual abuse, which we talked about all last week, and get back to the nitty gritty of sex (which I really do prefer to talk about!). It’s important to talk about these difficult and controversial things, but it’s exhausting.
So back to sex. Although, to be honest, this question isn’t that easy to answer, either! A woman writes:
After nearly 20 years of trying to remain enthusiastic having sex with a husband whom I find unattractive in weight, and beer belly, and whose penis is significantly below average in size, I can’t say the problem is my libido or enthusiasm about sex. I have prayed to no avail, even willing to die to the desire to even want to have an orgasm. I did Kegel exercises in the early part of our marriage to be able to tighten my vagina. I was able to feel him better after a few months, but his size just does nothing to actually physically stimulate me. He is otherwise an attractive man, wonderful human being, and I find those things sexy and appealing, but at some point I have to wonder if sex is ever going to be anything more than a sense that I essentially have to rub hard against him to masturbate in order to achieve half an orgasm.
Okay, that’s a serious problem. And I’m glad she asked. I want this to be a place where we can ask the “real” stuff that we can’t ask elsewhere.
I think the real problem is likely the beer belly more than the penis size
Here’s why: When the belly is large, it’s very difficult to achieve full penetration in most positions, because the belly blocks it. I wrote about it, along with some suggestions, in this post:
If he were to lose some weight, you could likely get more creative and some of the problem would disappear (or at least diminish, if you don’t mind the double entendre).
Honestly, we need to get real about weight problems. I think we’re so afraid of “fat shaming” people that we’re almost scared to say these days that “being severely overweight is not attractive and is not a good thing to do.” And even in marriage, sometimes we have to speak up. It’s not healthy for him to be that overweight. Having a beer belly is associated with all sorts of health problems, including erectile dysfunction, heart problems, breast cancer, and even metabolic issues (where it becomes even harder to lose weight).
My husband and I recently got FitBits, and they really do challenge you to get your steps in. My brother-in-law is an accountant, and he manages to get like 15,000 steps in a day. He just paces in his office all day rather than sits down now. He finds it a real motivator. And he’s lost a significant amount of weight in a short period of time.
If your husband’s body is impeding your sex life, I think it’s okay to say that. “It’s hard for me to get as much pleasure from sex as I otherwise should because of your size. Can we change our lifestyle so that we can help you lose weight and help me stay healthy?”
When your husband’s penis is too small: try different positions
If your husband isn’t that well-endowed, you also want to make sure that you make the most of what you’ve got–in other words, making sure you achieve full penetration.
The missionary position is one of the worst for this, because in general your bodies come into contact with one another and stop movement before full penetration is reached.
Try with you on top, because that often feels fuller and there’s nothing hindering penetration.
You can also try where he is kneeling or standing. In general, you’ll find that positions where you’re at right angles with one another (like woman on top or him standing) will work better than any position where you’re parallel to one another.
The best thing is just to experiment! I love the Sock Monkey Kama Sutra for that. It’s a book of sex positions using sock puppets, and it’s awesome because it’s hard to find something to recommend that doesn’t involve some sort of pornographic pictures of actual people. But these are sock puppets. And the “kama sutra” stuff really isn’t emphasized that much. It’s not eastern religions; it really is just positions. So I’d work your way through the book until you find ones with more penetration possibilities!
Other Tips for Sex When His Penis is Small
Anything that you can do to increase friction or penetration will tend to help increase feeling. So, by definition, things that reduce friction are likely a bad idea. If you can, ditch the lubricant. If you’re too “slippery”, you run the risk of not feeling much of anything at all.
And, as this reader already mentioned, do Kegel exercises as much as possible, and then squeeze while he’s inside you. That really does help!
What About Sex Toys to Help You Out?
Okay, this is one that I’ve been seriously thinking about it for a while now. I’m not a big fan of sex toys in general. I think that they can be a shortcut to something that can end up diminishing sex in the long run. Research has shown that what creates mind-blowing orgasms, and what makes sex so intense, is not necessarily just physical stimulation but instead feeling really emotionally and spiritually vulnerable with your spouse. Sex is more than physical, and when we emphasize the physical above all else, we can make it difficult to achieve real intimacy.
But that being said, I’ve been chatting with other Christian sex bloggers (like J from Hot, Holy and Humorous) who feel very similarly to me about how some couples just need some help.
And I do think that there is a difference between sex toys that are masturbatory in nature, when you’re having basically parallel sexual encounters, and “marital aids”, as they used to call them, when they can actually help with intercourse. (Penis rings, for instance, can help guys who suffer from erectile dysfunction stay “hard” for longer, and that can definitely be useful).
So I’m hoping to write a post soon on marital aids that may be worth buying in some situations. We also have the issue where you don’t necessarily want to support a sex toy company that sells really weird stuff, and so where do you even buy them? So let me think about that and I hope to have a good answer soon.
As Always: Get Really Good at Foreplay
Honestly, if he’s on the small side, then maybe what he can do is get really, really good at oral sex. There’s likely nothing wrong with his mouth or fingers! And there are other ways to bring you to orgasm.
The problem is that this requires communication. You need to be able to open up and say:
“I’d really like to try this, because I think it would make me feel really good.”
That can be a less awkward conversation if you were to say, “I’d like to try this. What would you like to try?” So there’s more of a back and forth.
I do hope that helps, and I’m going to think about that marital aid post and try to find a good place to recommend. And please do read the post about the husband with the big belly, because that will also answer a lot of questions.
But for now, let’s talk in the comments: any tips for feeling “fuller” when you’re making love? (I’m really curious to see how many will actually comment! 🙂 )
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I’m a little confused by her description of what is happening during sex, and to be honest I don’t necessarily see the problem, exactly. The only way I know how to reach orgasm during intercourse is to go after it myself. So in that sense, aren’t I just rubbing against my husband hard enough to orgasm too? Why does she consider that masturbating? A penis alone is RARELY enough to get to orgasm; clitoral stimulation is necessary. Does she understand this? (Maybe she does, it’s a short note. But it just doesn’t sound like she is describing anything that unusual to me.) Is she unable to rub hard enough because his pelvic area is too soft due to fat? Again, I’m not sure how penis size has much to do with that…
I’m just trying to figure out if there is actually a problem here or if she is expecting penetration alone to do something it DOES NOT DO for the vast majority of women. I think we’ve been so trained by movies/culture that show every act of intercourse to be so blissful, but the fact is that my husband and I have ONE position in which I can reach orgasm, and that is me on top, 100% in control. (Well, oral, too, but I’m just talking about intercourse.) His penis plays very little role in reaching orgasm, though the full feeling does make it a better orgasm. Still, his penis isn’t making me orgasm. My husband is also a VERY BIG DUDE these days, and we can no longer have him on top at all like we used to because I can’t breathe; he is just too big. Does what I’m trying to say make sense? Could what she is experiencing be totally normal, it’s just that she doesn’t know enough about her how her own body works and/or has unrealistic expectations for penetration only?
That’s a really good point, Kay. A really good point. I think ideally most women would like to experience orgasm during intercourse, and many can, but not certainly not all. And perhaps our expectation that this is the way it “should” be done is making it harder for some wives to ask their husbands for more?
On numerous times I remind myself and my husband that there is no “should” in sex. It’s easy to say to your partner: you should be into this; you should be turner on right now; you should have an orgasm; you should like what I’m doing. But “should” just puts a lot of undue pressure on each other. I think it’s great to say, I like this or please do more of that or less of this, but telling someone what “should” work is pointless. Find out what DOES work and do that.
There is no “should” in sex–that would make a great title for a blog post, wouldn’t it? 🙂 I like it!
I think it’s pretty catchy–go for it!
I wonder if there is a danger when we say on marriage blogs that when a woman isn’t participating it’s like her husband is using her as a masturbation tool, because it sounds as if this woman considers it masturbating because he is just laying there. I don’t think there is anything wrong with “taking turns,” as long as it is mutually enjoyable. My husband technically just lays there (although he is touching my breasts) while I work to reach orgasm, but he loves every second of it. Then it is his turn and he moves me (me still on top) in a way that brings himself to orgasm, which I also find feels amazing right after an orgasm since it tends to be nonclitoral stimulation. But I would never consider that to be using one another as a masturbatory tool just because one of us isn’t “doing” anything while the other climaxes. Does that make sense? Yes, there is a problem if a husband just gets his jollies and does not give his wife a turn for pleasure; that will make her feel used like a masturbatory tool. But it can still be mutually pleasurable even if only one person is chasing after their own orgasm at a time. So perhaps we have to better define what it means for sex to be a mutual experience–it doesn’t necessarily mean equal stimulation for both at the same time.
Anyway, I hope this wife can find a way to get more stimulation, but I am still tempted to believe her experience is very normal, she just doesn’t know it yet, therefore she feels like she is being cheated for not getting something that the vast majority of woman don’t get either. I don’t mean that to be a downer, which it seems clear it might be to this writer, but unrealistic expectations will only lead to further dissatisfaction. I hope she learns to accept what is, and then find ways to improve their encounters from there.
“many but certainly not all” is true but imprecise to the point of being misleading. The actual percentage of women who reach orgasm regularly through coitus alone without additional direct clitoral stimulation is only 15%. It would be far more accurate to say that the vast majority of women do not regularly reach orgasm solely through PIV, in-and-out, intercourse. Kathy’s comment isn’t just on the right track; she’s spot-on.
Yes, Kay, I agree. I cannot reach orgasm through penetration alone, and my hubby is a VERY BIG DUDE…in just one area 😉 (TMI…?) I think that the media (eg movies and tv shows, and some books) portray women as orgasming much more easily than most women actually do!
One thing that we did try at one stage (and I can’t exactly give it rave reviews, but it was something fun to try) was the WeVibe (I think it’s called), which is a vibrator that is sort of U shaped, part of it goes inside the woman, and part of it sits on the clitoral area, and you can wear it during intercourse. Obviously, this helps with the ‘feeling full’ issue, gets the clitoral stimulation going and is used with your spouse, not on your own. One issue though is that the vibration can be a bit more stimulation for him, which could cause him to finish early (If that’s an issue). Might be worth looking into though!
I thought that too, that his size (not referring to his weight gain!) might not be the problem at all, whether big or small. In fact, too big tends to be a much bigger problem for most women than too small. Again, I just can’t help but wonder if she has unrealistic expectations for penetration only. *shruggs*
I was thinking the same thing! I guess there are women who orgasm just from the penis alone. But from what I’ve read, most of us need that clitoral stimulation! My husband and I enjoy many positions but we do have one or two “old faithful” that we have to do in order for me to orgasm.
She doesn’t find her husband physically appealing or attractive and thus can’t really get turned on or satisfied sexually
Something that works for me if we’re short of time is keeping my legs closed after penetration. It helps me achieve orgasm faster so I can go back to other things.
That gets blood flow to the clitoris! 🙂
See, that’s the exact opposite for me, it increases friction for him, but decreases my sensitivity, so that’s a position that we use for quickies that are mainly ‘for him’.
I really liked Sarah’s ‘there is no should in sex’ phrase (I didn’t read that before commenting before), it is so true, and I think I’m going to have a chat with hubby about our expectations vs reality based around that statement!
My thoughts exactly. As much as I enjoy penetration, it has never been enough for me to reach orgasm. And from what I have read, that is quite common. There is only one way in which I can reach orgasm: receiving oral and toy penetration at the same time… I am not proud of that, but still it is much better than the zero ways that I had earlier for long. For some women it can just be harder, independently of size and belly of husband, and can require experimentation…
This concern in marriage forums always makes me a little crazy. Most men have working hands and a mouth. So dude, stop with the lame excuse for being selfish. Satisfy her first via whatever way works best. Then any issues with intercourse are less of a big deal. (Though the call to get healthy is always a good one. I’m on a weight-loss program myself at the moment. Despite having run a few marathons, it can and will sneak up on you if you don’t keep the good habits.)
Christian Friendly Sex Positions is a great website for position ideas that are not graphic: http://www.christianfriendlysexpositions.com/
And Married Dance is a great website for marital aides: https://marrieddance.com/
I don’t think this woman is open to the idea that her body may be more responsible than his size. Some women just can’t get there with PIV sex alone. Why doesn’t she have him stimulate her clitoris during penetration so they both get something out of it? Sex is a two way street. After 20 years I think I would have researched whether I was the problem rather than assuming it was the partner.
What if he found the shape of her labia unappealing or the depth of her vaginal canal unsatisfactory? Or wishes her boobs or booty were a different size? Would he be able to then discuss these issues as problems during sex? He can’t help his natural size. There just sounds like resentment is present and the husband has to sense it if some stranger on the net can.
I should mention that there is more research showing that the measurement between the clitoris and urethra (or some other location, I can’t remember) matters greatly, and if a woman’s clitoris is located too far, it is basically IMPOSSIBLE to reach orgasm through penetration alone, no matter the position. So I just encourage this reader to keep exploring her options, but be open to the possibility that penetration may *never* be enough. If the location of her clit is the problem, her husband’s weight loss can’t fix that. I do hope he is willing to get into shape since it is clearly impacting her attraction to him, but I don’t think it is the physical issue she thinks it is, unfortunately. Mental, perhaps, and that definitely is a hurdle of its own right, so I hope he will address this issue for her sake.
Anyway, I think it is worth exploring some marital aids for this woman. For example, we have this penis ring that attaches to a bullet vibrator (if desired) that provides extra stimulation (with the bullet) or extra texture (with or without the bullet). I didn’t like the vibrator, but the added texture by my clit was very helpful during the postpartum months when reaching orgasm is extremely difficult for me. Adding just a little more stimulation may solve this writer’s problem, whether an aid or her own fingers.
Ok…. Not trying to play eye for an eye here but can’t a woman also have a gut and it effect access to her too?
Yes, absolutely! That just doesn’t seem to be the issue here. But absolutely! The difference, I think, is that women tend to carry fat throughout their torso, so that it doesn’t cause a big obstacle at the front. Many men, however, carry it primarily in the belly, where it does cause an obstacle.
Plus there’s this whole thing called pregnancy. ? You get creative.
I’m currently pregnant so my belly is in the way of getting
enough friction during PIV. This is also my second pregnancy in 13 months so things tend to stretch, giving the same feeling she might be experiencing with his “small size” if that’s really a thing. A few things we have done to help….
1) Get me really close with hand/mouth and then penetrate right before I finish.
2) Use his hand *during* intercourse to bring me to climax.. it’s very sexy and we can sometimes finish together! 😉 It makes things feel tighter, too. This is especially fun with girl on top and he enjoys the view.
3) Pull my legs back and knees towards my shoulders as far as I can (which should make your bum scoot slightly further under hubby) giving him the ability to penetrate deeper and hit my “G” spot and finish that way.
4) Spend time on foreplay for him….do lots of oral/hand and take him to the very edge for a few seconds before PIV. This helps him get very large and erect (not all erections are equal;) You can also start something in the shower and finish later after you’re out. Building up his tension can also help with a better erection.
5) Last, but not least, sometimes a girl just needs thrusting to be a little more vigerous and firm. Don’t be afraid to ask for more intensity and enjoy the ride. It’s a good turn on for both of you… and good excercise. 😉 Gyms are so boring when you have so much you can do in bed!!
#4!!!!!!!!! YES. Very,very,very few women understand that not all erections are equal. The more foreplay you give him the better the sex will be for you! I am amazed at the number of women who do not get this.
The only trouble with getting him really excited is that if you are someone who takes a loooooooooonnnnnnnngggggggggg time to reach orgasm, he might not last that long!
There is anecdotal evidence out there that losing weight can actually help a man gain some length. The more credible sources say that losing belly and pubic fat reveal more of what a man already has. Either way, he ends up with more to work with, and there’s not a man out there who, if he’s honest, wouldn’t sacrifice arms, legs, and firstborn children to be better-endowed.
Ladies, if you have a husband who is overweight, and that excess weight is damaging your sex life, there are ways to diplomatically mention the magic that weight loss performs on the, um…wedding tackle? Or, perhaps you can enlist a close male friend of his to say something. “You won’t believe what I just read! Losing weight can make you gain inches!” Again, diplomacy is the key when dealing with the male ego, but even if the gain is minimal, the confidence he’ll have slimming down a few pants sizes will translate to the bedroom. And confidence is the key to success in so many endeavors…not least of which is the bedroom.
I remember watching a news show one time that said some men can gain an inch in penis length for every 30 pounds they lose! I don’t know there source, and obviously that won’t apply to every situation, but that sounds like a carrot if I every heard of one!
This is totally true! It’s because their belly isn’t in the way anymore!
I don’t think this is the right way to approach sex. It’s not an act where the goal is to get something out of it. It’s a way of being intimate and expressing love for one another. I think if you’re truly connected to each other, you will begin to desire sex with your husband. Neither party should be the only one to benefit, so you should each be working to satisfy each other. I agree that experimenting and trying different positions is important, but don’t let the goal of orgasming get in the way of expressing your love for one another.
Also, don’t get stuck. Just because a position worked once doesn’t mean it always will. It also doesn’t mean you should rule out other positions just because it didn’t work one time. If you need to help yourself that’s fine! Rub your clit against him or get your fingers in there. But don’t lose sight of why you’re having sex in the first place.
It’s a done deal. Sounds like she only gets her release from penetration. I’m pretty sure she resents her husband, though it isn’t his fault. If she hasn’t stepped out on him yet, she will sooner or later. The truth of the matter is no amount of foreplay (with or without toys) or godlike oral skills will ever make up for the lack of size, even though (most) women try to pacify men by saying so. He’s screwed (not in a good way).
I wonder if her husband really knows what she’s going through. As a husband, I want to please my wife in our marriage bed. It’s one of the ways I can show her that I love her. Maybe he doesn’t know the extent of her “suffering” in their marriage bed?
Today’s society too hung up on penis size these days. Also on how a woman’s breasts and vagina look like too. Everybody is unique and different and when you get married, if sex didn’t happen before marriage, you just don’t know what you’ll get from the other person. We should treat our spouses and their parts are gifts to one another. Love making involves kissing, cuddling, foreplay, sex, kissing more, talking, closeness, reaching climax, and cuddling after. It’s not just about penetration- it’s all of it involved. When the fullness of it all is embraced each time, there will always be satisfaction and intimacy for the couple. No matter the size, shape, look of our parts.
My issue is that my 74 year old husband has ED. It’s been over 20 years since we have made love in the more regular and “traditional way.” He has neurological issue and cognitive decline and can’t get (or hold) an erection -even with a drug the doctor prescribed.. I want sex more often than he does. He tries, bless him and I appreciate that tremendously but I still feel “unsatisfied.” He always was a “go for it” kind of guy, fast and hard, and that is not what my body needs. I discussed this issue many times but he somehow thinks that a woman wants it like a guy does and I don’t! I did buy a dildo but he is negative about that so I only use it when he is not around. My real fantasy it to show him exactly what I want by showing him and having him watch and learn, remember… and then do that for me. But he never even opens his eyes during sex!! This is an Italian man that has a VERY active sex life – ALL of his life before me. I am compassionate with his health issues and I feel bad for him and us both but my needs are not being met. I don’t really WANT to have an sexual affair as I really only want my husband but I’m at a loss as what else to do. I often gratify myself but still this leave a empty hole in my emotional needs because I am missing out on the loving touch of my partner and what we share in bed together.
My hubby of 11 years is amazing – except for his penis size. It doesn’t fill me at all. It never has. I knew right away on our wedding night and honeymoon. I finally told him this year and he was sweet and accepting about it. But I can tell the truth hurt. It took so long to finally tell him.