How do you adjust to having sex once you’re married–especially if you decided to wait until marriage to have sex?
I know I didn’t make that transition well! And so when a newlywed blogger asked to write this post for me, I thought it would be awesome!
Now, if you’re newly married and sex is going amazingly well, you may not need this. But for those of you who have had some difficulties, I thought it would be great for you to know that you’re not alone. So, for Top 10 Tuesday, here’s Emily from the My Beloved Blog to help us figure out this adjusting to sex stuff:
Growing up in church, we talked about sex… a lot. It was never good things, though. I didn’t put two and two together until after high school and once I figured out what sex actually was, I was left with a lot of misconceptions and wrong ideas. I honestly believed condoms were pads for men! Yes, I was that naive.
Last year, I got married. Hooray! I finally felt like I had an idea on what to expect when it came to sex… and then I actually started having sex and realized it was a little more involved than I had originally thought. So, here are my:
10 Things I’ve Learned: Getting Used to “Gettin’ It On..”
1. Use Lube.
Seriously, if you want to enjoy having sex and want even more sensation, use LUBE. Some kinds of lube may irritate you though, so experiment and find the type you like best.
And laugh some more. Some of our most memorable moments, sexual or not, are ingrained into my mind solely because of laughter. For instance, the first time hubs kissed me (which was both of our first kisses), he grunted, “HEY!” smashed into my face, yawned and left my car without looking back! I was left with a bloody lip and a whole lot of questions. I jokingly added a helmet to our wedding registry, just in case.
3. We have sex issues, and it’s okay.
You will most likely experience some sort of sexual issue at some point in your marriage. For us, it was right from the start. Hubs struggled with erectile dysfunction due to some health problems. A lot of factors go into why a man struggles with ED. I thought it was only an issue in old men, that isn’t the case.
My biggest issue was the birth control method I chose. Because I didn’t know the effects hormonal birth control would have on me, I chose the non-hormonal copper IUD. From day one, I experienced excruciating pain and super-dryness down there (which is a very sad super power). I felt like I needed a lube toolbelt on hand just in case things got hot and heavy. Thankfully, I chose another form of contraception, so I don’t have those issues anymore.
Something I have had to work on is my expectations on sex, especially with our sexual hangups in mind. I can’t expect to have sex twice a day when we struggle with ED. When we were newlyweds, I would expect frequent sex and in turn, be frequently disappointed. ED is a hard issue to face for husbands- it’s emasculating and embarrassing. When I continually bring up the fact that I want sex or that I am not having enough sex, it put hubs in tough place. He wants nothing more for his body to work correctly and I have to constantly remind myself that he isn’t keeping sex from me to deprive of my needs.
4. Discouragement isn’t fun. Don’t let it set the tone for your sex life.
I was faced with a lot of discouragement right off the bat. We said our vows, moved to a brand-new city and everything seemed to just fall apart. I expected to have sex multiple times a week and after the honeymoon, it all changed. We would have sex for what seemed like hours and no one would orgasm (no one has to, though). Sex would just end with two exhausted, very disappointed sighs. I felt like I had a lifetime ahead of me of boring, ugly, unsatisfying sex. Sex definitely has a learning curve, you’re not going to be a pro at sex when you’re first starting out. My ideas on sex were on the opposite end of the spectrum from hubs. We have to come to agreements, even now, on how frequently we have sex.
Though rejection never feels good, I am learning to show grace. Sometimes no means, “not now.” Other times, when I’m ready to go but hubs’s body isn’t cooperating, I have to show grace. Sex may not happen the way I envisioned it, but I can still receive the intimacy I yearn for, in different ways.
5. Try new things.
Try all the things. Find new positions, get frisky in new places, turn on some music. The options are endless when it comes to sex with your spouse. I am a huge believer that if the two of you are consenting adults, go nuts. Obviously, we want to stick within Biblical guidelines, but other than that, have fun.
Also, A LOT of women (like 75% of us) can only orgasm by clitoral stimulation. If you are the lucky 25% that can orgasm through penetration, props to you. But, if you’re like me, don’t feel bad (or let hubs feel bad) that you can’t orgasm through penetration! A fun trick I have learned is to guide hubs’s hands or mouth to places I want to be kissed and touched. Hubs is happy to go anywhere I enjoy 🙂
How The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex can help you learn about sex!
It will teach you how God made sex to be amazing emotionally, spiritually AND physically–and the book helps you get there! Including lots of tips on how to become more orgasmic, and how to make that transition from not having sex to thinking like a sexual wife, this book will help you see sex as something incredibly fun!
6. Buy a big bed.
This one is just practical advice. Hubs and I moved to our new home after the honeymoon and had completely forgotten to purchase a bed. Like, it didn’t even cross our minds. Our solution for 5 weeks was to smash his 50-year-old twin bed next to the couch. I don’t recommend that. Buy a bed and use your own blankets- just try it and thank me later…
7. Don’t be embarrassed.
Don’t be embarrassed about the sounds you’re going to make. Bodies squeak and squelch and air gets trapped in places it shouldn’t be. Embrace your body. I am a plus sized woman and realize that I don’t have the body of a model. That doesn’t stop hubs from loving every inch of me. One way I have embraced my body is by making a list of my favorite physical features. In turn, I had hubs do the same thing. Hubs’s list was longer than mine ;). Now whenever I look in the mirror or dress up for date night, I focus on the features he loves most about me.
8. Adjust to your libidos.
I am the high drive spouse. This has been one of the hardest lessons I have learned this past year. I didn’t even know it was possible to have a higher drive than a man. Everyone told me that I would need to just “give in” whenever hubs wanted sex- it’d make my life easier. Because of all these conversations I had about horn-dog husbands, I had a hard time grasping the concept that to hubs, sex seemed as boring as watching paint dry. I felt like a freak because I wanted sex all the time and would be rejected.
Being rejected is hard, but I’ve come to learn that his “no” means not now. Sometimes I want to jump him in the middle of a football game but I’m learning that that’s not the most opportune time. Other times, he realizes his plans aren’t always going to go the way he wrote them down, so there is give and take from both sides.
9. Talk about sex outside of the bedroom.
The worst place possible to talk about sex is in the bedroom, especially after sex. We’ve had our share of issues that we need to flesh out and for us, it has been a lot easier to talk about them once the heat (or disappointment) of the moment is over. Write things out and put them somewhere so you can both see it. Maybe we have goals for the week or certain plans that may interfere with an evening I want to plan for sex. Knowing things ahead of time help prepare me so I am not as easily let down when my spontaneity strikes.
10. A helpful tip from dad.
Lastly, here’s some playful advice from my father. Before we were married, my dad and stepmom came to Colorado to visit. They sat down with us and shared their advice for us about marriage. My stepmom wasn’t even halfway through her talk about finances when my father proudly interrupted with this chunk of advice, “If you gotta grab a boob, grab a boob. If you gotta grab a butt, grab a butt.”
By no means do I have this sex thing figured out. We’ve only been married for a year- a very crazy, hard, but special year. Sex takes time, communication and a lot of practice 😉 Oh, and don’t forget to pee after!