What are you teaching your teenage son about what it means to be a man?
I talk a lot on the blog about how to raise girls–because I have two! In fact, as we speak my girls and I are working on an online course to help parents teach their daughters about puberty and sex (it’s going to be awesome!). But I’m at a bit of a loss when it comes to teenage boys, because I never had any.
And so I’m thrilled to welcome Barrett Johnson, a really wise guy (in the good sense of the phrase!) to come and talk to us today. He’s just released an awesome, accessible book called The Young Man’s Guide to Awesomeness to help parents have those hard conversations with their sons and let me tell you–it looks, well, awesome.
So excited to have him on the blog today. Here’s Barrett:
My boys are quickly becoming men.
Sadly, I have to confess that I haven’t always known how to help them to grow up. The culture they are living in certainly hasn’t helped.
In his groundbreaking book, “Guyland,” sociologist Michael Kimmel determined that young men today have been allowed to remain boys for far too long. Where adolescence used to transition into adulthood by age 19 or 20, now (for many) adolescence lasts well past 25.
These young “men” might be educated and employed, but they are still functionally boys. Their lives are characterized by a desire to have fun and be entertained. Their money is spent not on the future or for a greater good, but on expensive toys and activities. They see girls as something to chase and use. They give no thought to growing up or having a life of purpose and meaning. At least not yet.
I desperately want to help my sons to do better and to live differently. I want to set a high bar for them regarding character and purity. I want them to treat women with respect. I want them to learn how to be Godly men, not just, as Mark Driscoll calls them, “boys who can shave.”
This means that I have to talk to them about a few unpopular truths. This list of 10 things has served as the outline for my new book, “The Young Man’s Guide to Awesomeness: How to Guard Your Heart, Get the Girl, and Save the World.” It has been designed to help teenage guys like yours to start thinking about what matters in their lives. It is also the perfect way to “tee up” these important conversations with the young man in your life.
Here are some of the unpopular truths that your son needs to know:
1. The choices he makes now have the power to set the course of his life.
He can’t afford to make the “I’m just a teenager” excuse. He needs to know that his life has already started and that the trajectory of his life is being set right now.
2. Porn is just as addictive as any drug.
Most every man wants to look, but the internet has provided your son’s generation with unlimited accessibility. That’s why 60% of our teenage guys are now addicted.
(PSST: If you want some more information about protecting your children from porn, check out my post about it here: 3 Easy Habits to Become a Porn-Free Home)
3. Masturbation is a habit that has the power to undermine his future marriage.
Our guys need to know that sex is best when it is given, not when it is taken. Young men who have a habit of masturbation are training their bodies and brains to be selfish. And selfishness gets in the way of just about everything in marriage.
4. He probably doesn’t need a girlfriend just yet.
Most teen romantic relationships are characterized by selfishness and sexual temptation. If the relationship is not going to help him to be more of what God wants him to be, then he’s probably not ready.
5. Sexual activity should be saved for marriage.
He knows the big reasons why his sexuality is precious and worth guarding. (Hint: it has nothing to do with pregnancy or STDs.)
6. Practicing the long-lost art of chivalrous manhood will set him apart.
Most guys in our world are consumers of girls. He needs to learn how to be a young man who guards, protects, and honors the women in his life.
7. God’s plan for your son’s life might involve doing difficult things.
Instead of filling his days with video game adventures and entertainment, he needs to discover the calling that God has for his life. It might be hard, but it will be good.
8. Walking with God is the most important thing for him to learn.
Through his life, he will hear plenty of voices telling him what is important. Only One voice truly matters. That’s why it’s so important for him know God personally.
9. He’s going to screw up sometimes. And that’s okay.
Too many of our young men believe that when they blow it, God is mad at them. So they distance themselves further from Him. Your son desperately needs to know that God offers forgiveness and a fresh start. Every time.
10. Life is short and he can’t afford to waste his life.
He may not have it all figured out yet (who of us does?) but your son can start getting his life moving in the right direction now.
Start Teaching Your Son These Things Now!
If one or more of these truths resonates with you, you’re not alone. In our work with families, we often hear the frustration of parents who want to train their teenagers to not just blend in with their peers. They want to call their young men to a higher standard. We talk to dads who want to have these “talks” but who feel ill-equipped to do so. They don’t know where to begin.
These very themes (and many more like them) make up the bulk of “The Young Man’s Guide to Awesomeness.” We created a book that guys would want to read and that would open up some meaningful conversations between parents and their kids.
The “guide” covers three main themes: how to guard your heart (sexual purity), get the girl (principles for relating to the opposite sex), and save the world (keys to building a life of significance).
The book has an easy-to-read format, lots of art, and 25 QR codes that connect to videos that will enhance your son’s reading experience. There are also great discussion questions as the end of every chapter so that parents can engage in the process.
Guys from about age 13-23 will benefit from reading the book. It deals rather openly with issues like porn and self-gratification, so if you don’t think your son is ready for that, then you might want to wait. (Though most parents push these issues back way too far, thinking their sons aren’t dealing with them yet. They probably are.)
If you are looking for a way to introduce these “unpopular truths” to your son, then we invite you to put “The Young Man’s Guide to Awesomeness” into his hands and see what happens.
You can find it on Amazon and at www.INFOforFamilies.com starting May 15.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
My oldest boy it’s only 10, but I’m already thinking of ways to prepare him for his future. So many men in my family have been allowed to be little boys for too long, and i want better for him, and my 2 year old boy.
Good stuff!
I wish that somebody had explained to me the dangers of porn and masturbation when I was in my late teens, with a pragmatic focus on the consequences these habits would have on my marriage, self-image, self-confidence, anxiety.
, I really feel like there needs to be more discussion about masturbation and singleness before marriage. I’m really looking for wisdom and how to instruct my son who is 10. I feel like masturbating occasionally without the use of any pornography it’s a natural thing. Are are you suggesting nothing until you get married? To be 10 to 15 years of a fight your sexuality.
Thank you Barrett!!
My son just turned 13! He’s also my only child. I’m trying to instill in him the benefit of a good work ethic. He has the tendency to ‘rest on his laurels’ & seems to have no drive. Especially when it comes to sports. He’s got natural ability for basketball & baseball. Just doesn’t seem to have the desire to work hard to be better. Which saddens me, because he’s got the potential.
I will definitely buy your book & read it first & then let my son read it.
Thank you Sheila for sharing this guest post! It’s a rarity to see something geared towards us boy-moms!
In several years time my household will have teenage children on the autism spectrum. Any advice or pointers as to how to discuss masturbation with them? Due to an unequally yoked household, my spouse will tell our children it’s okay. Which I’m not okay with. Thanks for suggestions/advice!
I think that no matter what, you and your spouse need to get on the same track with it. With kids with Autism, also, it’s important to remember that they’re going to go through the same kinds of things! So don’t be afraid to talk to them about sex, love, marriage, and the like. But I would perhaps talk to your spouse about your concerns, that sex is supposed to be mutual (which masturbation is, by very definition, not) and how you’re concerned that if kids get into a habit of masturbation it can be hard to break later. Sheila has another post on the topic here, even though it’s not about how to talk to your teens about it, it may help you with your conversation with your husband.
But really, just be honest. Speak from the heart. If you and your husband disagree and you feel it’s necessary to say your bit, do so in a respectful manner (not “your father is awful because of this” but just “I know your dad and I disagree, but here’s my perspective.”) Your kids will thank you for just talking to them honestly. 🙂
This post and the book it’s peddling strikes me as more shaming and condescension of boys. We get it – boys are scum, worthless pieces of garbage that have no business being alive. Thank you for beating up on boys. How about saying something nice about boys for a change? And while I’m at it, where do you shame and kick girls down? No, girls are blessed flowers from God. Boys are worthless piles of garbage. Got it.
I completely disagree, Tom. I think it’s actually empowering and encouraging to be able to have these conversations–especially the ones about “you WILL mess up someday–but that’s OK. Your family and your God will never leave you or stop loving you.”
These conversations show boys, “I believe in you, that you have amazing potential and I can’t wait to see the kind of man you grow up to be.”
I’m sorry you see these truth-talks as shameful, because I think that’s a very damaging mentality. We need to be able to talk about hard things without it being accusatory, but rather a matter-of-fact conversation of love, grace, and encouragement.
If boys were worthless, we’d be singing the same old tired song, “boys will be boys, what did you expect.” Boys are worthy! Which is why we have high expectations of them! I’m married to an amazing man and were raising five children, two of them boys. I’m excited and honored to be the mother of two boys.
Our culture doesn’t just demean women, it demeans men too, by treating them no better than animals. Patriarchy hurts men, too. I want better for my boys than the low standard set by our culture.
Lisa, what hurts is the constant male-bashing in our society. The rampant misandry. We have become accustomed to thinking of men and boys as idiots, worthless, and dispensable. It’s all over the media, it’s in the pulpits, it’s everywhere. It’s infuriating. I’ve had enough. I will uplift my son no matter that society and the Church is constantly tearing him down!
I don’t know what happens in your church but I agree that our culture makes ridiculous gender stereotypes. Men are portrayed either as warriors, idiots, or sex-crazed. I think it’s important that we take a stand that we need to honor and respect PEOPLE and not put people into a gender box. There are certain traits common to each gender but there is far more variation than uniformity. And our boys and girls get messages about how they should be and we need to counter that.
Rebecca, if what you say is true, then where’s the 10 Lessons Every Teenage Daughter Needs To Learn? Oh wait! I know what that one would say: #1: be careful of guys, they’re oversexed animals that you have to protect yourself from, #2: learn how to turn guys down in nice ways, because you have the privilege of being a girl and as such will do much more rejecting than you will get rejected, #3 etc. Mainly more stuff about how boys are scum. I reject many Christians disdain for boys! The continual shaming of boys for being who they are! The continual emasculation of boys! I can practically guarantee you that no Christian blogger or author will come down as hard on girls as they do on boys. Prove me wrong! Show me any post on this site, or any other Christian site, that comes down on girls just as hard! If you do, I will swallow my words! I won’t hold my breath.
Actually, yeah, this site has had a lot of posts going AGAINST the mentality you’re talking about. There’s actually a post called “let’s stop with the “boys will be boys” mentality,” and this entire site is dedicated to helping women become better wives, have better sex lives, and build good families. All of that means that there are a lot of hard truths given to women, too. Just wanted to let you know that.
Rebecca, please give me some examples here where women are given hard truths. I looked back on pages of posts and didn’t see anything.
I’m not saying “boys will be boys”. I’m saying God made boys a certain way, and even though most women don’t like that, and continually shame boys for all sorts of things, I say: TOO BAD!
“Rebecca, please give me some examples here where women are given hard truths.” I guess you couldn’t find any either. So, in the future, for this site, please be more balanced and not come down so one-sidedly hard on guys. All of us men will appreciate that.
Tom, I really can’t understand how you can view this blog post as ‘male bashing’. it is almost like we are reading different articles! I think though that we are just reading it with different perspectives, which is shaping what we are reading between the lines. I am sorry that you have been subjected to things that have made you feel that way. Pretty much everything in it could apply to both genders, but as this blog post is essentially marketing a book for teenage boys, it is going to speak specifically about them.
Here’s my take on the 10 points in the article.
1. So true. As a once upon a time teenage mother, I can attest that the choices made as a teenager CAN have lifelong consequences!
2. Porn is addictive. This is true, and it’s not really talked about much in mainstream culture. Even though it is a problem for both genders, most porn is marketed to males, and they are often exposed to it at an earlier age than females.
3. Masturbation is selfish. Well, no one else is getting anything out of it, are they? I don’t know if you are/have been married, but it is true that a mastirbation habit can cause many issues in a marriage. As a female, I have had issues with this, so it’s not gender specific, but it is more a male thing, especially in Christian circles.
4. The girlfriend thing. Sheila and her daughters have definitely written and spoken about not dating in high school, from a female perspective.
5. Sexual activity should be saved for marriage. This is not gender specific. I mean, it takes two to tango right?!
6. Don’t use girls. Is this the ‘male bashing’ point? I hate to say it, but in general, it is true! I live and work in a completely secular community, in a male dominated industry, and I’m not exactly a prude, but the talk in the kitchen at meal times is unbelievable sometimes. I do agree that you could certainly write a lot for girls not to use males too, I don’t think that they are exempt from this, but the advice would be a bit different, as girls tend to use guys in different ways to guys using girls.
7. Jesus said that in this world we will have difficulty. Being a Christian is not supposed to be an easy way of life.
8. A relationship with God is the most important thing (obviously this one won’t apply if you aren’t a Christian, but for Christians, the relationship with God is what informs all our other relationships. We love, because He first loved us.)
9. Give him grace. Everyone needs grace and forgiveness!
10. Life is short. And that’s hard to know when you are a teenager and 25 seems ancient and far away!
I think the book looks great, and would appeal to most young men. I plan to read it to see if it would be suitable for my son. Who doesn’t want to be the kind of hero who saves the world AND gets the girl?! rather than male bashing, this seems male affirming!
E, your reply confuses me. You say most everything in the list of 10 things can apply to girls too, but then go on to say how several of things apply more to boys. That’s my point – this post, and the Awesomeness book, is specifically to slam boys. I’m just sick and tired of the anti-boy bent in Christian circles.
This is what I wrote on a Facebook page about the Awesomeness book: “It sounds like this is yet another book to shame boys for being born male with male proclivities. Sigh.” It seems clear to me that women hate that God made men the way He did. Well, if women have a problem with that, take it up with God – don’t slam men, and especially boys.
Tom, I am sorry for the confusion. I meant that while none of those points mentioned are gender specific, society tends to ‘market’ some of them more to males than females (eg porn and masturbation) and so there are things that we need to talk about with our boys that we might talk about differently to our girls.
I’m not sure what the ‘male proclivities’ are that women hate so much and males are being shamed for. Please elaborate on this. I can’t see anything in this blog post that goes against what the bible spells out as ‘godly’ conduct for men?
E, for some reason I can’t hit “reply” to the message of yours I want to reply to. Does it have to do with a chain of posts nesting too deep? I don’t know. Anyway, you ask “I’m not sure what the ‘male proclivities’ are that women hate so much and males are being shamed for. Please elaborate on this. ” I’m primarily talking about men’s visual nature and their sexual appetite. Women often shame men because of these things, and yet, if they believe in God, then that’s something they need to take up with Him and not men, since these things come from God.
Visual nature and sexual appetite are indeed in the nature of most men, in my opinion, and I don’t think women have issues with or shame men because of that. The issues arise when married men are not in control of these things, and end up looking at sexual stuff online or on TV, looking at other women on the street, masturbating, expressing impatience about sex (which makes the wife feel sex as a duty, which kills her desire to have sex), etc. And it is really hard for a man to learn to be in control of these things, just like it is really hard for a woman to learn to be in control of many other things. But this is what growing up is about, partly. It is about getting rid of immature behavior, and learning to be in control of our nature that can otherwise jeopardize things we cherish. And this is exactly what this book is about, from what I gather.
This post was titled “unpopular” truths for teenage boys to know. I shall add my five more to your list. So here goes:
11. Being a man more or less stinks. The school system despises you and your skills, the health care system ignores you and society at large ignores you, and for all of that you get to die younger. Society used to respect the role men played because the price paid by men at the individual level was so high.
12. Marriage does not equal sex. When i was young we were told to wait until we were married to have sex, only to get married and not have much sex. So i would tell my son to get good at being chaste, he may need it even when he is married.
13. Women can be a confusing and frustrating group.
14. You are going to get rejected. Its how you deal with it that matters.
15. As a man, you are disposable. Its our role. If society/family/church asks us to lay down our lives for the greater good, we have to do it.
Now, as for less unpopular advice i would give a young man today, here they are:
1. Work hard its good for you and you get paid.
2. Know how to change a tire, change oil, and how to properly use jumper cables (not post to post).
3. Know how to clean a fish and gut a deer or pig.
4. You don’t marry the girl, you marry the family.
5. Machine tools are your friend. Lathes, mills, belt sanders.
6. Try to have at least one hobby that is somewhat physical and gets you outdoors: birdwatching, bird hunting etc.
7. Know how to pull a toilet/ snake a drain.
8. Be real careful with chivalry. Some women will throw it in your face. As an older woman once told me “if chivalry is dead its because women killed it” i am not saying to be impolite but asses each situation differently.
9. Do some form of volunteering. Church/ community etc.
10. Read a lot. Doesnt matter what it is, just read and do not stop learning.
11. Always watch the car two cars in front of you.
So there it is, all my advice for todays young man.
I agree with most of your “less unpopular” advice.
As for the “unpopular” truths: there is indeed a strong danger for a man to feel disposable, and to feel that being a man stinks. I’ve been there, and my father too. I think it’s important to teach a boy how to avoid that hole, and how to build himself into something he feels as valuable.
And I feel that it is indeed important for a young man to get good at being chaste. Rejection indeed does happen, as women are not sex dispenser machines. And if a man answers to it with impatience, or with masturbation, in both cases he is shooting himself in the foot. I feel it’s really hard, and really important, to learn to find a third way to deal with that.
Answers to your points:
11. I homeschool my kids specifically because schools fail active kids, boys in particular. My son would have been held back and taught to hate reading. He started slow and now reads 2 grades ahead. He’s finishing 4th. I actually have a kid with adhd, she’s a girl. And she would have the worst time in school. She would be in trouble so much.
I’m going to teach him to take his own health care into his own hands. You can’t rely on other people to take care of you. Sometimes you need to take initiative when it comes to your health.
I’m skipping 12 until after 13.
13. Yes “women” are confusing, but he only needs to understand 1. His wife. And if he had daughters he needs to understand them too. He shouldn’t compare his wife to other women. She’s her own person. He should learn what she wants and focus on her.
12. When he’s way older, part of what we talk about will be expectations in marriage. I’m leaving it at that.
14. Everyone gets rejected. And yes, how you deal with it matters.
15. Find a church that uplifts all it’s members. Yes. They do exist. If you can’t find one, be the change you want to see. Be a mentor. Show boys and young men they matter. Start a bible study for men.
As for your other points, i especially like 11. That car 2 ahead is definitely the one to watch! We were actually in an accident because the car 2 ahead slammed on their brakes and we hit ice. Thankfully we were okay.
I am a pile of issues and I’m trying really hard to break that cycle with my kids, all 4 of them. People pass down so many problems to their kids, and i want my kids to avoid them as much as possible. Is hard because i only know what not to do, but my husband and i try.
There is hope.
Molly, about your response to (14), you say everyone gets rejected. Ah, but there’s a big difference between the amount of rejection boys experience and the amount that girls experience. Most girls reject WAY more boys than the number of boys who reject them. Girls/women don’t know what rejection is (compared to boys/men). It’s like someone in Phoenix telling someone standing on the sun that it’s hot in Phoenix.
That depends on your definition of reject. When I was a young single woman, there were scores of men willing to use me for sexual gratification or ego boosts, The number of men seriously interested in a lifelong commitment of mutual sacrifice and vulnerability? Nope. This isn’t to bash men. This is to bash our culture that doesn’t think men are capable of more. Which they are.
Lisa, I understand your point, but at least you had those scores of men to reject. Most men don’t have scores of women to reject, because men don’t generally get hit on much, don’t get noticed much, and don’t get hit on much. I would take scores of women hitting on me for the wrong reasons than getting hit on very rarely or not at all!
I know about rejection all right. I was rejected by my father because he made a bad choice and had sex, which resulted in my birth. It didn’t help That i was a girl. I didn’t meet him til i was 10 and he’s been playing mind games ever since.
I was rejected by my high school sweet heart because i wouldn’t have sex with him.
I was persued by a boy 5 months later, but i guess i rejected him because i knew he only wanted to have sex and i didn’t want to be one in a string of many of my friends who he bagged.
The only guys i ever “rejected” were guys i got a creepy vibe from. I met my husband at 16 and we’ve been inseparable ever since, so granted i haven’t had a lot of experience rejecting or being rejected. By guys who were dating material that is.
Molly, hmmm… you realize you started off by saying “I know about rejection all right.” and then finished with “so granted i haven’t had a lot of experience rejecting or being rejected.” Huh??
But my point is still valid, is it not? It is that boys experience a LOT more rejection than girls do. And that rejection can be soul-crushing. When I was a boy, it made me feel like I was worthless, not worthy of living. It made me feel that no pretty girl wanted to be with me. It made me turn to porn, where the women in it at least SEEM to desire me. Girls generally don’t understand how rough it is for the average guy. I can’t help but feel girls are spoiled and have it so much better than guys do.
Nothing made me feel more than my dad rejecting me. I made sure mop other guy would reject me or treat me badly ever again. The guy who broke my heart in high school rejected me because i wouldn’t have sex with him. I was part of his family. I went in 2 vacations of of state with him. After we broke up, i was very depressed and even threatened suicide. I was in a psych ward for a week and therapy for almost a year. I have never pursued a guy to be rejected. I deal with rejection from my dad on a daily basis.
Its not just the volume of rejection, it’s the type. I would rather be rejected by a thousand guys than my own dad. But if you want to say that romantic rejection is worse than parental rejection, you win. I’m not going to argue anymore.
Tom, I am sorry that you have experienced the pain of rejection, but for you to say that you would rather have the opportunity to do the rejecting of unwelcome attention is a bit like someone in Antartica telling the women on the sun that they should be grateful for the heat, as it is really cold where you are. That heat is dangerous!
I saw a tweet the other day that went something like:
‘men have been joking for years about how terrifying prison is because they could get raped.
That’s the entire world for women.’
We might be the ones who ‘get’ to do most of the rejecting of sexual advances, but we do this knowing that, we are actually powerless to enforce that rejection if it came down to it. Basically, we only have the power of being able to reject the good guys,and sadly, in the current culture, there are too few of them around.
I sincerely hope that while you are uplifting your son in a society that ‘tries to tear him down’, that you also teach him that a woman does not ‘owe’ him anything, and that she is perfectly within her rights to reject him, and that you teach him healthy ways to deal with that rejection (uplifting who he is in other areas will be very helpful here, because he won’t tie his worth to women’s acceptance/approval of him.)
E, what do you mean that women only have the power to reject the good guys? The number of men who rape is very, very small. There are plenty of bad guys who still stop short of rape. You make it sound that every guy who isn’t a mama’s boy is a rapist.
That tweet is a very poor analogy. Of course rape in jail is terrifying to men – because it’s by MEN! If you asked guys how terrifying it would be to be raped by an attractive amazon woman in jail, they wouldn’t be so terrified. That tweet is a terrible analogy.
And, of course a woman doesn’t owe a man anything. I will definitely teach my son that.
No, that tweet is not a terrible analogy. the point is that rape is UNWANTED sexual attention that you are powerless to stop. If you don’t find the prospect of being raped terrifying, then I don’t think you understand rape at all! Or at least not rape from a female perspective. I am pretty sure that no matter how ‘good looking’ a person is, once they cross that line, there is NO WAY that you are going to find them ‘attractive’!
Basically, my point was that ‘most’ women are unable to fend off the advances of ‘most’ men. So basically, we are only as ‘powerful’ as those men let us be. We know full well that if that creep who grabs at our butt every time we walk past wanted to, he could take it a lot further than that.
I don’t mean that any man who isn’t a mamas boy IS a rapist, but as the physically weaker sex, women walk around with the knowledge that pretty much ANY man has the potential to be one. And there are enough creeps around that even though not all women have been raped, most women have been grabbed in an inappropriate, sexual way. and we are essentially relying on the self control of such creeps to not be raped!
That is why it is so important to teach our sons to be good men who are respecters and protectors of women! It is hard to do when they are getting so many mixed messages from the world in general!
E, no, that tweet is a poor analogy because the terror that men in prison feel about being raped isn’t just about being taken sexually against their will, it’s about being taken homosexually, which is a disgusting thought for most men. It doesn’t compare to women’s fear of being raped, which is usually a heterosexual incident. A good analogy is the one I already mentioned – an amazon woman raping a man. (I will get rid of the word “attractive” for now. I can explain later why I put that in.) So picture a 6’4″, 280-pound amazon woman with muscles. If she wants to rape a guy, for most men, she’s going to succeed. Now how terrifying is this in the mind of a guy? Somewhat terrifying, but not nearly as terrifying as if it was a guy raping a man. That’s why the tweet is a bad analogy.
I’ll answer your other points later today.
Whoa. This thread went in a direction that i did not intend. When i submitted my original post the point i made about getting rejected was meant more as a professional/ perhaps dating thought. I wasnt thinking sexual as dean mentioned although there is always that. Molly, i am adding you to my prayer list for your struggle with your dad rejecting you. I see Toms point though. Men have to voluntarily put themselves in the rejection trucks path and pray that when it hits the pain wont be that great. That takes strength. It takes courage. And yes it takes persistance. As society loses respect for male strength, courage, and persistance men will simply not use them. Which is where we are now. This is why we have men with no desire to work, or get an education, or get married and have a family. Why? Because our western society has lost respect for the male traits that are needed to do those things.
Oh, and your respond to #12, that you will teach your son about expectations in marriage made me LOL. In other words, you agree with my point ?
Actually, one of the biggest things I’m going to talk to my boys about is who they choose to have sex with. If they have sex before marriage, and it takes in pregnancy, she can have an abortion and he as the father has no say. She will have complete control over the baby, if she chooses to keep it or not. If She chooses to keep it, he’ll have boo day for 18 years. So the choice he has is BEFORE he has sex with her. One of the things we’ll talk about is choosing the right girl.
Make sure to mention that if he chooses to sleep with especially collage age girls before marriage he may have rape accusations on his hands. Even if she is completely sober. Some of the more toxic enclaves of feminism in collages teaches you regret sleeping with him = he raped you.
Also please teach him not to send pictures of him anatomy to girls. If an over-zealous parent finds them on an underage girls’ phone that is sexual harassment. If he is underage as well and she reciprocates he now has production, distribution and possession of child pornography.
Absolutely, i will be mentioning those him. For sure, ANY nude pics on his phone will result his phone getting taken away, until hes 18. No playing. My son is only 10 and doesn’t have a phone. When we do get him phone, he will be made aware of how important it is to keep his phone safe.
I will also be telling him that he can get an std from promiscuous sex, and pass it on to his future wife. There are permanent stds that you just can’t get away from.
Its very sad that men are kept front their children, accused of rape after consensual sex, and other harassment from pictures of phones.
But this is where choice comes . he has the choice to have sex in college. He can’t rely on the word of someone he barely knows, even if he does have sex with her. Sex does not always equal intimacy. Sex should follow intimacy. Abstinence, as much as possible, is just as important for boys as it is for girls.
I’m going to teach my boys as much as possible to guard their hearts, for their future and the future of their families. Anything they do after that is their choice.
“Some of the more toxic enclaves of feminism in collages teaches you regret sleeping with him = he raped you.”
Can you give me an example of that? I have never heard that before, and I am a feminist and, until recently, was a graduate student at a very liberal university.
I find Tom’s reactions the most interesting thing about the whole piece. First we see a somewhat dissonant and rather passionate comment about this “boy-bashing” article, which it, of course, isn’t. Later we get a glimpse as to why he responds to it that way: he is addicted to porn himself and blames women, who have “rejected” him, and “the church” that tries to teach him a better way. Which is, of course, how he justifies his own deviant habits. Classic addict behavior.
That’s not what’s interesting, though. Porn addicts are dime-a-dozen these days. He also makes it plain through his comments that he plans to teach his own sons to succumb to their weaker selves, because “God made them that way.” That’s right, Tom. Teach your boys that real love is unattainable, and that an endless stream of imaginary trysts with two dimensional actors on a screen is the best they can hope for. Teach them that scratching their own itch makes them strong, and independent. Teach them that women will reject them (which is probably true if all they’re looking for is permission to touch from a person who “doesn’t owe them anything.”) Pre-empt their chance at discovering true love and real intimacy with a woman, by showing them all that matters is feeling “accepted” by women (by which you mean acceptance of their sexual advances). And then, to cap it all off, blame God for making them that way, and put yourself up as the example of how that approach has been successful. Bravo! Such a superficial, simplified, selfish, limited viewpoint. While Tom’s parenting is a sad case study, it’s not what’s interesting, either.
What’s interesting is that men like Tom, who have given themselves over to their own animal natures, seem to be the same ones who whine that society doesn’t seem to value men like it used to.
If men have really become expendable in society, they did it to themselves by behaving as though they’re expendable. If men are now a liability to society, the debt is theirs, not society’s. Truly, a grown-up boy who has not learned to redirect his natural appetites and passions to good use is a menace to society! Of what use to anyone, after all, is a man whose chief concerns are orgasmic relief and video games?
Here’s the good news, though: Rare commodities are valuable. As real men who respect themselves, respect women, and respect their true manlinesss become more rare, they will also become more sought-after. By employers, by society, as leaders, friends, and, yes, as husbands to good women. I choose to believe that there will be tremendous opportunity in this world for boys like mine, because guys like Tom gave up on his.
And, if teaching my boys to stand up and be strong, righteous, self-sacrificing, patient, chivalrous, chaste men is “boy bashing,” then I’m a proud boy basher too!
Thank you, Clay. I find most of Tom’s comments offensive. I won’t go through all his points (just a few are valid) but just this: rape is rape, whether done by a man or woman, whether the victim is a child, a man or woman. And if you don’t get that, you really need to reflect and pray about it.
Please, Shiela or whoever is moderating the comments, can you have a look? Thanks
Apa, I will never use foul language, and I value logic greatly, so I make my points with reasoned analysis. I certainly welcome Sheila’s moderation of my posts – I don’t see how any of my posts would require censorship as I assume you are asking for.
Hey, Apa–
I left the comments up because I thought the responses were really well thought out. Also, Tom hasn’t been using any derogatory language, he’s simply been stating unpopular opinions. If it became attacking or degrading, I will take it down. Thank you for your comment, Apa–what you said is VERY true. And I think Tom’s got a lot of hurting going on that is causing a lot of these comments.
If the conversation continues down a strange path, I’ll end it. 🙂 I think everyone has said their piece.
Appreciate that, Rebecca. I feel I’m correct in everything I write, but I’m open to being proven wrong. I’m not sure everyone else here is willing to admit when they’re wrong, but I’m not one of those people. I’m interested in the truth – I care much less about being right.