What if the way that we’re teaching purity is really hurting kids?
I’m just back from my walking tour of Ireland with my husband, and it was AMAZING! I’m hoping to do a post soon with some of our pictures and tell you about how neat (and relatively inexpensive) a walking tour can be.
But I have so much running through my mind right now that happened while we were gone, and I just have to share it with you this week.
First up is today’s post: while I was gone, my daughter Katie made a video about the way youth groups often teach purity. And it went CRAZY. She’s saying something really, really important, and I just encourage every parent and everyone who works with youth to please listen. We need to hear young voices on this one:
But while the video was great, I’m actually more taken by the reaction. Right now it has about 31,000 views, but it also has 5,500 likes and over 1,000 comments–a ratio really unheard of on YouTube. This is resonating with young people. Please, we need to listen about how we frame such an important thing.
So click through to the video and just peruse the comments. It matters. (And don’t forget to subscribe to her channel there, too!)
I’ve written about the harm that we can do when we emphasize virginity over chastity before, too. (Chastity means just acting in obedience to God. Anyone can do that now, no matter their past.) You can see some of those posts here:
- A Letter To Those Who Feel as if They Have Lost Their Purity
- Top 10 Things That Scare Me About the Purity Culture
- Does the Purity Culture Make Women Ashamed of Sex?
I completely believe that waiting for marriage for sex is so important. But that doesn’t mean that I agree with the way that we often portray this to kids.
In everything, let’s just emphasize knowing Jesus and following Jesus. That should be our focus, not trying to shame a girl’s body or make her feel as if she’s irredeemable.
This week I want to look more at ways that our culture can harm us, and talk about what we can do about it. I’ve been binge watching some shows and I read a book while I was away about the Amish, and there are some desperately important things there we need to talk about.
In everything, let’s just emphasize knowing Jesus and following Jesus.
But for today, I just want you all to know: if you had sex before you were married, that does not make your marriage any less valuable in God’s sight, and you are not a failure. Your purity is not based on what you did with your body, but on what Jesus did with His. And let’s make sure we’re teaching our kids to run after Jesus, not run after rules.
Let me know in the comments: What do you think? Have you ever heard (or used) the chocolate bar analogy or the glass of water analogy that Katie used? Are these effective or harmful? Let’s chat!
Found this post helpful? You might also enjoy:
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This was wonderful! Katie is very well-spoken and I think she gets a lot of things right that a lot of us adults in the church have been grappling with for awhile. I think this is one of many aspects of modern Christianity where the true message has gotten diluted with an overly proscriptive focus on a specific interpretation of a rule. I also wholeheartedly agree with Katie that the true challenge and focus should begin with your thoughts (and not specifically related to sex, but to your life in general) and reflecting on how your thoughts and intentions influence your actions.
I’ve been reading this blog for a few months now, but this is the start of an effort I’ve wanted to make to reach out and be part of the community and discussion instead of just a “reader”. Thanks for listening to my thoughts!
Thanks for reaching out, Florence, and commenting! We’re so glad to have you here! And I agree with you that we’ve made Christianity too much into rules, and we miss the heart of Jesus.
Very well said Katie!! If the college thing doesn’t work out, you could totally be a motivational speaker 🙂
She already left college. 🙂 She figured the doors were opening for her now on YouTube and with speaking, and she couldn’t do both! She’s so excited about not having to go back in September…
Yay!! Great news!
I’ve never been able to put my thumb on what I didn’t like about “giving pieces of your chocolate bar away” purity metaphors, and your daughter articulates the problem beautifully.
Thank you! I think so, too.
I really love Katie’s video! Such an important message. I am guilty of using the chocolate bar analogy once ?
I think there is some truth in those analogies, but maybe the focus and setting we use them in is wrong. Or maybe we just explain them so bad and focus so much on the wrong thing that the truth is missed. What I mean is that yes every sexual encounter does have a profound impact on our soul and needs to be worked trough before you can freely and fully enjoy sex with your husband. But it is not something that Jesus can’t redeem. Speaking in chocolate bar, you’d have to pray, repent and redeem every piece of chocolate you gave away.
Um, this is a perfect example of why, 33 years in to walking with Christ, I feel like I can’t stand the majority of his people for one more second. We have got to stop LYING to people to make our case. No, every single sexual encounter does not have to be “worked through” in order to enjoy married sex. Do we do that with any other
sin when we come to Christ? Do we repent of every single time we’ve lied or cheated? And we have GOT to be honest about the fact that not every premarital sexual encounter is going to “haunt” us somehow through disease, pregnancy, or some kind of heartache. Or that you’re going to automatically compare sex with your spouse with sex you’ve had with other people.
Sometimes, you just have to acknowledge the fact that you had some good sex with some kind, loving people that you shouldn’t have. Period. Why do we have to always take it into horror movie realms? [comment has been slightly edited — Ed.]
Interesting debate. I don’t think Lydia is “lying”, though–and I do agree with much of what she says that sex DOES have repercussions often and that those things do need to be worked through. But I also think you’re right in that sometimes we blow up those repercussions and make them mean more than they otherwise would. Close family members had sex before they were married (and before they were Christians) and then got married, and they made the transition without much of a problem at all, because they felt that, though they had used their body in the past, it was different because they had never really made love. And it truly wasn’t that big a deal. I’ve known others that have undergone horrendous abuse that you would think would need years of counselling, but God honestly brought them through quickly and they’re totally healthy (although that’s obviously the big exception).
I think for many it is, and sexual sins do have an emotional and spiritual impact that other sins don’t, simply because sex is so deeply personal and makes one so very vulnerable. But, yes, some people will be able to put it behind them relatively easily, and I’m partially guilty of making everything sound like Armageddon all the time, too.
I am not taking it into horror movie realms, and maybe I did not express it right. While I don’t think that sexual sin is worse then any other sin, I do believe that sex is different because sex is not just a physical act but it is the deepest bonding act we know making two humans one flesh. I do believe that this kind of bond has a lasting impact and I do know of several friends who did have to pray through every single sexual relationship they had because they still felt tied to the people they had sex with in their past, even though the sin had been forgiven. Maybe this is not the case for every single person but I do know that it is significant for many. Also when I was convicted of my sin when I first got saved, I actually did repent of many many very specific sins in very specific instances, as the Holy Spirit brought them to my mind. Also zacchaeus comes to mind, who went and repaid everyone after he repented. So I do believe that the effect of sin on our life does not just magically disappear with one single generalized prayer. Often God will ask us to go and repair some of the damage we’ve done, it’s part of renewing the mind I guess.
Yes, I would agree. I do think that often we have to really pray through these past things. But Anna does have a point that not EVERYONE may need to do this; what I’m increasingly finding in the Christian life is that God works with us on an individual basis, and therefore there are few universals in how people experience God or how our spiritual lives grow. But I do think that sexual issues are in a category of their own in general–not because they’re more sinful, but because they’re far more personal and thus have deeper effects.
1 Corinthians 6:18 shows us that sexual sins are different than other sins.
Yes Libl, I actually wanted to quote that verse but forgot. The two verses following actually sum up what Katie is saying in the video. Let’s stay away from sexual impurity to honor God with our bodies!
The comment on saving your Purity for Jesus as opposed to the husband is right on. A word of caution though there is some truth to the fact that giving yourself away will impact future relationships. While Jesus forgives all sin miraculous healing only occurs in a small percentage of cases. In the remaining percentage of cases it takes time, community, accountability and character growth to regain the Purity that was lost.
Hi Dan–I do agree that sometimes sex before marriage has repercussions that do take a while to get over. But just one clarification–It doesn’t “take time, time, community, accountability and character growth to regain the Purity that was lost.” It only takes repentance, and that’s instantaneous, because our purity is based on what Jesus already did, not on what we do now. That doesn’t mean there aren’t repercussions; just that theologically lost purity isn’t one of them.
Sheila….I agree with you 100%…. you are more articulate than I. My caution is in regards to the fact addictions such as drug addictions porn addictions,sex outside of marriage often take time for full healing to occur. That does not mean that God has not fully forgiven us. There is some truth to the youth ministry talks. Perhaps they do not clarify the difference between being fully forgiven and still having consequences of previous actions and how not to bring those consequences into the next relationship.
Yes, this exactly! “Perhaps they do not clarify the difference between being fully forgiven and still having consequences of previous actions and how not to bring those consequences into the next relationship.” I think this is where the messaging goes wrong. And we actually make those consequences WORSE by having the wrong message.
I think the problem is they try to scare and guilt kids into obedience. I know many kids who “got saved” as kids not because they loved Jesus and understood His grace and redemption, but simply because they were afraid to go to hell. I noticed in my previous denomination that there is this underlying sense of superstition rather than fully understanding God’s grace.
I grew up thinking that sex outside of marriage was one of the ultimate sins, especially girls. It was wrapped in angry fathers and sobbing mothers lashing out at their daughter with her positive pregnancy test, possibly kicking her out of the house, or being gracious enough to keep her and the “bastard child” under their roof, but she lives like a broken version of her former self in constant penance.
Now, as a mom of the female of our species, I realize that if my daughter has sex out of wedlock, and if she gets pregnant, it isn’t the end of the world and I will gladly be there for her and her child.
But, I also teach my children to respect others enough not to let their genitals win over their brains and faith. Although, I realize just how hard that can be.
I love Katie’s video! She has done an amazing job!
I think a big problem with sexuality in our culture is that both sides take things to the extreme. There is casual, drop-of-a-hat sex on one end of the spectrum which means nothing and is ‘just sex’ yet is such a big deal that you are abnormal or repressed if you don’t engage in this and then there is the extreme Duggar family way that represses all signs of physical affection and *whoosh* just like that your hymen intact for your husband on your marriage night will make life a dream…except it doesn’t.
I think parents have to be open about the pain and bad experiences and heartbreaks they have experienced by not following God’s designs rather than trying to hide those failures. Sometimes your kids really do need to know of a long-grieved abortion, an STI, an abusive relationship, the regret of past experiences feeling cheap in light of a truly loving and accepting and beautiful relationship. We demand things, but what we don’t tell kids is how much we were burned by our past mistakes and why we don’t want them to have the same story. We need our kids to know how God redeems even these sins, and heals, and restores the broken. We have the book of Hosea not so we can all cringe at Hosea’s wife being a prostitute, but so we can recognize that we have all been at some point, the wife in the story, whatever our pet sins. Yet God seeks us our and woes us with his love, chosing us even then.
I would really love a tour of Shelia with her daughters all together like a seminar in the US, so many of these topics can be touched upon all at once. We need these good examples of principled young woman with good sense, seemingly so rare these days.
Katie’s video made me cry. I was one the youth group (and home) talks failed. Completely. The gift, the water, the chocolate bar, tissues paper, tape – I probably heard them all and had the purity ring. Because of course it was something you lost and couldn’t really ever get back. Because, let’s be honest it was a virginity ring. That’s it.
When mistakes were made I felt worthless – the first time I had put myself in a bad situation but my the boyfriend didn’t listen when I said no. Even though he was clearly a jerk, I knew I had lost my virginity to him and saw it as mostly my fault because I had put myself there and went too far with him before saying no. So I stayed with him. Because I had to marry him. In the end, thankfully, I didn’t.
I walked away from that relationship feeling worthless. I couldn’t date another guy with that in my past. My parents reinforced that vision – I’m not sure our relationship has ever been the same. More talks at college church groups made me feel the same. I never had the courage to ask but what if I already gave it away because surely everyone in the room would condemn me.
Eventually my head knew God forgave me but I certainly never thought I was pure again. Even as a 32 year old happily married woman (to a husband who never condemned my sin) who loves Jesus I continue to be haunted by being worthless, impure. And that water cup stays in my mind. I’ve felt like God’s ugly stepchild – my head knows better of course. I know it was said wrong when teaching me. The intent was always good but it wasn’t ever the right message. I’ve contemplated how to share this with my daughter one day (she’s only six) because I don’t want her to get the same talks I did. Or my boys to get them, although maybe their talks weren’t quite as bad as the girl ones. I love that being pure is about Jesus never about my future husband. That’s beautiful. I’ll definitely being teaching my children about “purity” and not having sex outside of marriage very differently than how I grew up. It’s still the message but I want to do it right – I want my daughter to come to me if someone doesn’t listen to her no, I want them to never feel worthless, I want them to know that God sees them as righteous when they ask forgiveness. For any sins. I plan on being honest with them when they are old enough about my past because I want them to know that it hurts, sexual sin leaves scars on you other sins don’t usually leave, but I also want them to know Jesus – and I and whoever is truly supposed to be their future spouse – will love them scars and all and see them as completely redeemed.
I am so sorry that you are still left with a scar. But when reading through your comment I actually don’t see that the sexual sin left a scar, it’s the false believe you’ve been taught that left its ugly imprint on your soul. I suggest you pray about what you believe about purity and your worth in God. You are the beloved daughter of the King, you are not a stepchild or a second class citizen in heaven. You might need to forgive those who taught you otherwise, maybe even yourself for believing it… Fill your heart with truth and I pray that the love of God will wash through your heart and heal the broken places.
Thank you for writing this comment, because now I finally can put a finger on what is wrong with all those analogies. They are object lessons. And we need to stop teaching relationships with objects. Even though there might be a point to the object lesson, we can’t make into an object what is supposed to be a person in relationship – with a loving father and with people around them.
Very well put, Lydia!
In my opinion there are families that have this type of baggage from their traditional prejudiced past too: families that are jealous and are constantly bullying around because of their insecure attitude ? they don’t want to see their family member live a normal healthy Christian marriage. that’s also a problem going around…..
I do think the chocolate analogy and water analogy can be really harmful. Wow, what a way to traumatize girls!
The best analogy i heard was in 6th or 7th grade. The teacher had 6 or 7 girls get up and she gave then each a little tub of play dough. The girls were allowed to mix their play dough with whoever they wanted. But the more they mixed, the more colors they got. The point wasnt to make the play dough brown and “dirty” but to show that you mix pasts with any partner you have. So if they mixed dough with everyone in the room, so do you. That really stuck with me. I’ve only had One partner, but he had several before me. But we worked through it early on. But i knew that the more partners i had, the more i would be mixing with other people, if that makes sense.
For all the issues i have from my upbringing, i have surprisingly few body issues and intimacy issues. I think part of it was because that class taught me to protect myself, but also because i met my husband so young. I had my fair share of guys hit on me in high school, but fortunately i listened to my gut.
Oh my gosh I love what Katie shared! She is so right!!!!!!!! Her confidence is beautiful!
Katie’s video hit me hard and spoke to me so deeply. I wrote to you about a month or so ago about losing my virginity and you were kind enough to respond and be so encouraging. I’ve decided to wait until I get married now and even more importantly change the way I view God and myself and the way we relate to eachother. I always based my faith on my performance and now I’ve come to realize that it needs to be based on Jesus and that God cares more about my heart than anything else.
I can’t thank you and your family enough for speaking life and truth into my heart when I’ve needed it the most and I didn’t have anyone else.
Oh, I’m so glad, Jessica! I remember your email. I’m glad that we could help, and I pray that you’ll continue to walk forward in grace and POWER now!
wish I had heard a message like this when I was a teen – it seems like a “duh” thing now, that you choose purity for God because of the relationship you have with him, rather than for your unknown future spouse. Hindsight is always 20/20 though, right?
Katie’s video is refreshing, to hear from a young person their take on what they experienced in a youth group concerning “Purity”. Thank you for sharing “Katie”!!!
Purity is what God desires for us to walk in, for our blessing. Premarital sex period has consequences. The Bible teaches we are “gifts, given by a good God”. Therefore we should approach our virginity as a “gift” to be given to our future spouse, to be enjoyed and cherished always. Receiving a “gift” is fun and joyful, if we could experience “sex” in marriage as a “gift” to be treasured, I think our sex lives would thrive.
Completely unrelated to the purity thing, but just an observation –
In Katie’s example of what typically happens in youth group ‘sex talks’ there seemed to be a lot taught about respecting women in the boys group, but not much taught about respecting boys in general taught in the girls group. But then when you get to marriage, it seems like the ‘women need love, men need respect’ message gets pushed so hard in the church. This strikes me as a little odd.
We have recently seen some guys hurt by rejection and feeling shamed and not good enough commenting on this blog, and we also see (in the general community) teenage girls feeling unable to turn guys down, I’m wondering if we (as a church) need to a.) teach girls that they don’t need a specific ‘reason’ to turn guys down, they can just say ‘no’ without adding excuses, but they need to say it in a respectful way, and b.) that guys need to understand that just because a girl says no, it doesn’t mean that it is a rejection of him. Basically, a less sarcastic ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ rejection, that is respectful of the person being rejected (this really applies to both genders). I think ‘sex talks’ that involve both genders would probably be a good idea, separation just seems to increase the mystery and misunderstandings!
I’ve been thinking about this. If we just focus on guys who are not currently married who are feeling sexually rejected. A wife telling her husband no is a completely different subject, which i think Sheila and other bloggers do an extensive job addressing.
But if a teenage girl or woman turns a guy down, and he feels rejected, he takes it personally. Why is it hard for him to accept that maybe she doesn’t want to have casual sex? Maybe she doesn’t want to deal with all the issues that come from premarital sex?
I’m not really sure what guys are taught about in regards to sex. I was taught that if i had sex as a teenager, i would be a slut, i might get an std, or i might get pregnant and have to raise the baby alone. There is a social stigma for girls, but not boys.
In high school, i had 2 guys try to pressure me into sex, to which i said no. One was really hurt, but i was only 15. The other got mad and spread rumors. My reputation was already ruined the first one though. The last 2.5 years of high school were hell because the guys who used to be my friends treated me like virginity was a sin.
How exactly can a girl politely tell a guy “no, thank you I’m not ready” without him getting hurt?
You set your standards high and make it clear that sex is not to be expected from you. You also only choose guys that understand this from the on-set. Don’t date non-Christian men. The world will not have the standards of the Church, so if that is what you are looking for, look in the Church for a companion with similar values. If you are part of a group of people who are Christian in name only, seek out a new Church, or a new bible study or life group.
Also, I found that it really helps not to put yourself in sexually compromising positions. Don’t heavily make-out, or be alone for extended periods of time. When you go on dates, drive seperately and meet there. Plan dates with other couples.
The biggest thing though is finding others with shared values. Then so much of these issues really can take care of themselves.
I did what you suggested and “set my standards high” however I found that as much as Christian men may have believed in waiting, in the heat of the moment all of that seem to go out the window and they always pushed me too far anyway. Christian boys and men need to be taught that it is up to them to control themselves and not wait always for the girl to enforce boundaries. I do not subscribed to the lie that there is a different Biblical standard of morality for males and females. The church needs to stop preaching this. As a young adult, most of the Christian men I knew or dated were not virgins and seem to sleep with every girlfriend they had. Where are their boundaries?
Karen i was thinking along the same lines as you, and you said it so much better than i ever could.
I want to know exactly what boys are taught about sex and abstaining.
I am not a Christian, so I guess you can bring out your torches, but…
Why does Christianity villify sex before marriage? Also, why does it seem that it’s only the WOMEN who are marred by their pre-marital sex? Do Christian men not receive the same “punishment”? It takes two to tango, and if you’re going to shame a woman into being submissive to the mis-interpreted words of a fictional book, then men should be held to the same accord. Furthermore, SEX IS NOT EVIL. It is a natural bonding experience between two people. Whose business is it if someone feels they are ready to experience it? I’m not talking 12 years old, but if there are two consenting adults (18, 19, 20 +), they are legally allowed to do so and it doesn’t have to be and SHOULDN’T be anyone else’s business. What does having an intact hymen or never having reached orgasm before marrying have to do with anything? Please – teach your daughters and sons to NOT judge prospective significant others by their sexual past. It’s the PAST. Ugh.
Wow, how spirit-filled! A friend and I were talking yesterday about how to broach this topic with our children as they reach puberty and I am so grateful for Katie’s insights.
A thought that recently formed for me along these lines was this: how problematic is the language we use to talk about this stuff?! Katie hit on some of it here; another I would add is the phrase “saving oneself” for marriage. Do we forget that we can NEVER save ourselves? Only Jesus can do that.
I know some would say, “We don’t mean it that way; you’re overthinking it,” but I think that phrasing and ideology are a lot further reaching than we often consider.
Oh, my goodness, I never thought of the “saving myself”! So true!
After reading this article and many others like it on this blog and others I’ve come to one conclusion, saving myself for marriage has been a wasted effort and that this sacrifice was for nothing. Every where I go I’m constantly bombarded with this message that I have to marry a woman who is not a virgin because reasons. Why would I want to marry someone who cannot understand this sacrifice or empathize with what I’ve been through? Why should I continue to wait if I’m going to have to marry a woman whom didn’t? I’ve asked these questions many times and have never gotten an answer. So I guess the next time I’m in a relationship I’ll be having sex since it doesn’t matter if we neither of us are virgins on our wedding night.
If that’s the message that you got from this, then you don’t understand grace or God.
This discrepancy between grace and works has always been part of the Christian experience. Paul spends the first five chapters of Romans arguing for grace, and then starts chapter 6 by saying, “Should we sin that grace may abound?” Of course not! If you think that, then you don’t get it.
And that’s really the point. It’s not about whether you sinned or whether you acted perfect. It’s about whether or not you know Jesus. And if you know Jesus, then you will be empowered not to sin. But if you don’t know Jesus, even if you are perfect, it makes no difference whatsoever.
Maybe instead of focusing on whether it’s worth not having sex, or whether it’s right to want to marry a virgin, you should start asking, “how can I live my life as Jesus does?” Be Jesus to those around you. When you do that, you’ll stop focusing on how hard and unfair your life is in Christ (because it’s really not!)
I have a Christian for more than half of my life and attended a Christian University where I studied the Bible backwards and forwards which was where my faith in Christ was strengthened even more. This was a Lutheran University where Grace was taught with almost fanaticism so yes I know and believe the difference. I agree with what daughter said, I’m no fan of the purity movement and I never wore a purity ring. Like her I made this commitment to God, for me it was when I was in throws of adolescence, even then and to this day I still want to marry a virgin, because it is a shared life experience, why is it such a bad thing to want to be with someone who understands what the other has been through? I should not be forced by any person to marry someone I don’t want to marry. BTW, I have been rejected countless time by women for far less.
My issue is with people who try to shame and guilt trip me into marrying someone I have zero intention of marrying, that woman being a non-virgin. I’m sorry if that offends you but that’s my preference. I just so tired of being told who to marry or hearing that my future wife won’t be virgin and I should shut up and get over it. That’s the message I’ve gotten from this blog, whether it was your intention or not I don’t know, but that’s what I got.
Again I’ll ask, why should someone like me continue to wait for to have sex in marriage if the person we are wedding did not?
Look, I’m not sure who is telling you that your future wife won’t be a virgin. According to my surveys when I did The Good Girls’ Guide to Great Sex, about 40% of serious Christians were virgins on their wedding night.
So 40% of women are virgins; not 0%.
But the fact still remains that I would NEVER make that my number one criteria for marriage. And people who are making it their number one criteria may very well have a warped view of what marriage is. The number one criteria is whether one is running full-heartedly to Jesus. Jesus embraced Mary Magdalene; you’re saying that you wouldn’t.
That’s fine if that’s your choice.
But to say that you just can’t may not be opening yourself up to God.
If you’re talking about a particular woman that you don’t feel called to marry, that’s perfectly fine. But you sound really angry, like if women can’t obey God, why should you? But if you’re asking that question, then the problem is not the women. The problem may be with how you see God.
I don’t where the idea came from that Mary Magdalene was a prostitute. If you’re referring to the woman in John 8, I do accept her and other women like her as a sister in Christ, but that doesn’t mean I’m obligated to marry to her. And remember reading anywhere in the Bible where Jesus told any of his disciples they had to marry her.
I do have to point out that you’re doing the same things I was talking about before, shaming and guilt tripping. Righting off how I’m feeling as just the rantings of an angry virgin, I’ve heard it many times. If I sound angry it’s because I’ve know a lot of guys who’ve listened to people say what you’re saying and had their lives ripped apart by women who were not only non virgins but had an extensive sexual history, and these were good men who didn’t deserve any of it. I don’t know if you’ll understand this or not because from reading your responses it doesn’t sound like you do or you do understand and you just don’t care.
Now I will say her being a virgin isn’t number one priority, her being a Christian is number one, but virgin is definitely in the top five.
I do need to clarify something that I didn’t explain well, when I asked why I should wait if she didn’t, I was referring to one of your previous posts where a guy was talking about the same things I was and the comments there were a bunch of people saying how one was virgin and the other wasn’t and they’ve been happily married for xx years there for these kinds of marriages work every single time. The consensus was that it one person not being a virgin on their wedding night did not necessarily mean the marriage would not be a happy one, that’s why I asked about why I should wait when she didn’t.
If you’re so insistent on me marrying a woman whom is not virgin, then what signs or qualities should I be looking for in a woman to see if she has truly repented her sins and is a Christian. I ask this in all seriousness because I’ve met many of these women in my life and its really hard to tell if they’ve truly repented because again I’ve had several friends in my life who’ve dated or married women with questionable promiscuous backgrounds and they’re cheated on them or they got divorced.
I forgot to mention I was told by several Christians in various churches and groups that my future wife was not going to be a virgin as well as seeing it written on several “Christian” blogs.