The buggies. The farms. The laundry hanging out on the line, the girls learning how to bake, the boys in the fields. Amish life seems so idyllic!
And so we Christians gobble up millions of romance novels about the Amish. We travel to Lancaster, Pennsylvania, to see them up close. We hold them up as proof that even in this busy world you can still live a simple life.
But what if, in so doing, we’re covering up a sinister side?
While I was away on vacation I read the book Tears of the Silenced by Misty Griffin. In it she documents her horrific abuse (as well as her sister’s) at the hands of her psychotic mother and step-father, and then the danger and evil they were exposed to when they moved to an Amish community which did not deal appropriately with the sexual predators in their midst. It was so awful I almost thought she may be making some of it up. So I researched online, and found court cases that were eerily similar, and academic papers showing the same thing. There is a crisis in the Amish community.
Perhaps, in and of itself, that needn’t concern us that much. After all, there’s a crisis of female genital mutilation in Africa and the Middle East. There’s a crisis of sexual abuse in the Catholic church. There’s a crisis of child sex slavery in Asia.
Yet this, I believe, is different, because Christians, by romanticizing the Amish and publishing so many books that depict them in totally unrealistic ways, inadvertently cover up and perpetuate the problem.
A few years ago I was also sent the book Other Loves All Flee: One Family’s Journey from Legalism to Grace by Leona Koehn Nichols. She was writing not about the Amish but about a Holdeman Mennonite community, which is almost as strict (except for the electricity part). And she makes so many of the same points! And so I want to challenge us to open up our eyes to what is going on in these supposedly “idyllic” communities.
1. There is absolutely no understanding of grace–and therefore no understanding of salvation
The Amish live by works. A multitude of rules governs their daily lives, from what they can wear, what they can play with, how they can behave, what they must do on Sundays, and even what happens if someone breaks the rules.
The emphasis is not on serving God, even if it may be phrased that way. The emphasis instead is on preserving the community, exactly as it is. In Other Loves All Flee, Leona tells what happens when she and her husband have an honest encounter with Jesus. They’re so excited they tell others. And then they are told that they can’t remain in the community and believe that you can pray and hear God, because only the elders can tell you what God says. That’s the only way to preserve uniformity. So no one should be praying on their own.
2. There CAN’T be any understanding of grace if there aren’t also changes to the status quo
Practically any Amish romance I have read features the main characters coming to an understanding of salvation (they are Christian books, after all) but then deciding to remain in the Amish community. This sounds lovely. But it is absolute nonsense. The whole point of the Amish and other hyper-conservative Mennonite communities is that they live “apart”. They are not “the English”. And so the emphasis is on preserving a culture that’s different. You can’t preserve such a culture if people are allowed to think for themselves or to have their own relationship with God. What if God were to tell them something different from what the elders believe?
Anyone who thinks for themselves is therefore a threat to the community. And so what these romance books depict isn’t real. That is not to say that I don’t believe that there are true Christians within the Amish communities. There may very well be. But the constant pull they must feel can’t be easy, and the community itself doesn’t encourage this.
3. The Bible is often incomprehensible and quite unknown
In fact, the Bible that they read and the prayers that they say are often in High German–the language spoken in the 1500s. Just like Catholic masses used to be said in Latin so the hearers wouldn’t understand, so much of the religious life of the Amish is done in a language that others can’t understand. And they are not encouraged to read the Bible for themselves (in fact, in Tears of the Silenced Misty’s KJV Bible is taken away from her by the Amish when she starts to question some of what they believe. They decide her having a Bible she can read is too dangerous).
4. Women are exhausted
Their lives are hard work, from sun up to long past sun down, and they rarely get enough sleep. To have huge families with no electricity is no easy task.
Sure, baking bread and growing vegetables and sewing your own clothes looks like a really neat way to live–and it is. But when it’s packaged with heavy rules you must follow, right down to how wide the seam is on the garments you sew or how high your bonnet is, it’s not a fun experiment at counter-culturalism. It is an unbearably heavy yoke.
5. Many women suffer from depression
I have good friends who are physicians near an Amish community in Ontario. And they will attest to the fact that Amish women are worn to the bone. Studies show that the rates of depression among Amish women are much higher than the general population.
6. Cruelty runs rampant
Part of the depression stems from the fact that cruelty seems to be a big part of Amish culture, even if we don’t see it. When the emphasis is on being a community and not causing waves, and the threat of banishment and community punishment is ever so real, then gossip tends to run rampant. Judgment is a huge problem. Any book about the Amish realistically shows this, but Tears of the Silenced especially depicted the bullying that often happens.
In fact, one of the things that surprised the main characters in both books I read was how nice and kind people were among “the English”. They had grown up their whole lives hearing how depraved the English were, but it was only among the English that they encountered true kindness. Their own communities were harsh and judgmental.
The Amish also believe that the earth was given to them to have dominion over–and hence animals are their property. Animal cruelty is quite widespread (just Google court cases involving the Amish). And the Amish are responsible for about 70% of puppy mills in the United States, according to some studies. The dogs are kept in cages their whole lives, and only removed for breeding. It is really quite horrendous.
7. There is an epidemic of sexual and physical abuse
Because of the culture of secrecy, male domination, and obedience of wives and children, it’s hardly surprising, then, that abuse in Amish communities is at levels far higher than the general population. After all, if the community tells men that women are their property and that wives must automatically obey; if the community tells boys that they are more important than girls; if the community tells people that they must never bring shame to their families (which is awfully easy to do given the gossip mills), then the community is a perfect breeding ground for abuse.
The rates of brothers abusing their sisters is also really common. Mary Byler’s case became quite well known in the news media in the 2000s; she had been raped literally hundreds of times by her brothers Eli and Johnny. At one point Johnny said that Amish boys believe it is normal to do this to your sister. That’s what she is for until you can get married. (BeliefNet has a huge story about the sexual abuse crisis in the Amish community here.)
8. There is no way for an Amish child to report the abuse to authorities
Amish children go to school only until Grade 8, but often at schools run by their own community. If one ever talks to the police, one is automatically punished by the community, no matter the underlying crime. Children have very little exposure to anyone outside the community, so they have very little way of stopping it. Even more, they grow up believing that this is normal, because they have no one else telling them otherwise. And they have so little education they truly don’t know what to do.
9. The community protects the abuser
So what happens if abuse allegations come to light in the Amish community? This is really the strength of the book Tears of the Silenced, and the main reason that Misty wrote it. It is not that sexual abuse happens among the Amish; sexual abuse happens everywhere, after all. No, the problem is how the Amish handle sexual abuse.
Here’s what happens: the Amish believe in God’s mercy and forgiveness, they say. If a person confesses, then, they must be forgiven. Of course, they’ll be punished. But the harshest punishment meted out is 6 weeks where you must remain separated from other community members (meaning that you don’t eat with them and sometimes don’t talk with them, though you can still live in your house). After that six weeks you are declared “forgiven”.
Then, if the sin is ever brought up again, the person bringing it up is now sinning. And they can be banished if they don’t forgive.
So if a father serially abuses his daughters, all that happens is that he’s punished periodically for six weeks. But he’s not removed from the home. The wife is not offered any protection. The children are not offered protection. They are, after all, his property and he is the head of the house. And so they must obey and fall into line, because they must forgive, or else they are the ones at fault.
Now, how many of you believe that a father who sexually abuses his daughters will stop after six weeks of separation, with no counselling and no real repercussions at all?
10. It is impossible for an Amish mother to protect her children from abuse within the community
This is the main reason why Misty left the Amish community. She saw so many families where sexual abuse was passed down from generation to generation, and the mothers knew about it and could do nothing. If they went to the police, they’d be banned.
An article from the Lantern Project explained it this way:
Amish do not believe in divorce, so mothers whose children are assaulted face a stark dilemma, Anna Olson said.
“You stick with it, or you leave,” she said. “But if you leave your spouse, you’re out. They’ll excommunicate you. And when that happens, the Amish consider you dead.”
Mast said mothers and children, who are not formally educated beyond the eighth grade, would be “terrified” to take accusations of sexual abuse to outside authorities.
“And if they went to the police, where do they go from there?” she asked.
“Amish children do what they’re told,” Olson said. “They don’t dare say a word.”
How could Misty have children if she couldn’t protect them?
Both Other Loves All Flee and Tears of the Silenced are self-published memoirs. Sure, they likely could have done with a little more editing, but I truly found them absolutely riveting. I couldn’t stop reading Tears of the Silenced. It was so horrific I thought she may be making some of it up, until I googled it and found so many cases almost identical. This stuff really happens.
So here’s my challenge for you: If you’re absolutely taken by the Amish, and you’ve read all those novels and you love them, could you take your next book and read the other side? I think we need to wake up to the harm the culture can cause. And then we need to figure out a way to reach out to the girls and women there and tell them that they do have a choice, and there is safety and grace outside the Amish.
It is not only the Amish. Wherever we give individuals power over others, we distort the relationship that God intended and that can lead to all sorts of horrors. Please read that piece, too.
Now, what do you think? Have you read Amish romances? What do you think of the Amish culture? What should our response be? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Sounds like a judgmental piece of fiction full of unsubstantiated claims. Shame on you and calling yourself a Christian.
This is true, I’ve been in “plain” world a long time, and while there are some true believers, that stay thinking they can help others, a lot of this goes on in Amish circles, and very conservative churches too, but saying that I see God moving and there are people coming out and finding God’s grace !!!
There really are! And I’ve heard so many of their stories. I think the Amish are ripe for grace and truth. “The harvest is ready, but the workers are few…” It’s so hard to know how to approach them. But I loved the book Other Loves All Flee, too, just because of the story of how Jesus worked all on His own, because He loved that couple, and how He brought them out to truth, even though they tried for so long to stay in that community. God is working! But we do need to speak up for those who are being hurt now.
Thank you, Sheila—We thought we HAD to find a way to stay in—this was all we knew and had been taught this was “the one, only true church.” We tried so hard to find someone who even considered that we might have truly met Jesus. In His Grace Found me, I tell about my Aunt Alma in Louisiana who finally found the joy she was looking for in Jesus, only to be told it was “false joy” and she had to reject it. She finally lost her mind—was wandering in the woods naked. Thanks so much for bringing these things to light. Le
Having grown up in a Mennonite community with a Mennonite heritage, these claims are not unsubstantiated. As a paramedic, I been told by a son who was beaten with a 2 x 4 that if he filed a complaint against his father he would be rejected by his family, and that as long as he stayed at least he was protecting the younger kids. There are higher rates of alcoholism and abuse in the mennonites here than there are in the non-mennonites.
I work in the library. The amount of Bonnet Fiction with manipulative or abusive men portrayed as positive love interests is legitimately disturbing, and I can’t help being dismayed whenever young girls check them out. How is that better than trashy bodice ripper novels? Both objectify women.
You would only say that in ignorance, I grew up like jay and there is nothing that she pointed out that’s not true!… the church doesn’t help you, you can’t go to counselling and I was taught to not take drugs frm doctors for depression leaving suicide as my only option, for 22 plus years I suffered thinking of dying as young as six, when I finally wrote my last ple to God for help before I had planned to end it once and for all, so untill you have lived it, been sexually abused, then just don’t bother commenting, if you have been there and are in denial and the pain is to great and you don’t know where to turn, then ask God to help you, and find the strength to leave and seek help!!…
Yes, I believe you. I was born into a cult proclaiming that he was a prophet of God and kept us captive “set apart from the world ” only to hide behind the Bible and God to do the most horrific things in secret. It was engrained into us that this was the way that God wanted us to live. I and my Family found out the true Love and Grace of Jesus after being rescued from so many terrible abuse and torture. The man (leader) was found guilty and received 2 lifetimes in prison for his actions. I Pray for this type of action and a safe place for all those that are trapped under any name of abusive cult captives.
Wow, Jennifer, how awful! I keep reading stories like yours in the news and it just breaks my heart.
Unfortunately it is actually very true. Truth, it is said, is stranger than fiction. I have not written my story into a book yet. But i have lived amongst both communities named here and can say with complete certainty this is reality.
I grew up in the Amish church and still have cousins in that church. WE knew about real salvation by faith and rarely heard of immorality. While all the stuff mentioned in this article happens at times, it is totally unfair to stereotype the Amish as this article does. any more than romanticize them as in some fiction/ Noah
Shame on you for criticizing a truth teller!
Have you read the books? I just finished tears of the silenced. Do some homework. This is a horrible life to live for most of the women..
Oh, I’m so glad you read that book, Leah! I hope that more people read it. We need to get the word out and help these girls.
The lack of substantiation rests on your comment, not on the author of this article. I cannot vouch for the horrific early years of Mistie’s story, but her years among the Amish are not fiction. These experiences are fully substantiated fact; I witnessed the perpetrator admit to his actions, but without repentance. After spending many years on our own journey in and (halleluyah) through the conservative patriarchy movement, my husband and I have spent years addressing the harm done by this perversion of original apostolic teaching. We have a unique level of experience with Anabaptist culture and the pervasive history of abuse, domestic violence, and social bullying to cover inexcusable family crimes. We are particularly invested on a personal level in Mistie’s story, as the real daughters of “Bishop Peter”, the Amish molester and rapist, had the applaudible courage as young adults to expose the sin of their father to protect younger siblings. The justice system found the story “substantiated” as he is now serving a sentence in prison for his crimes. The threat of Mistie’s testimony forced a confession of the crimes against his children. We were directly involved. These stories are far too frequent. But, before you think we are “Amish haters”, please understand we also have long term friendships within the culture with honorable Amish bishops who have expressed a passion to address this deviation into misogyny and a desire to move away from unhealthy tradition, toward truth, which sets everyone free. As they seek to understand the history of the original revival of their ancestors, they realize their European great grandmothers were literate, powerful, articulate women who were willing to suffer for something bigger than bonnets and buggies, These brave mothers and grandmothers would be ashamed of the role many modern Amish women play in victim shaming and covering abuse. We all have a voice and a responsibility. We pray enlightened Amish will follow through with this journey, as the blood of women and children cries from the ground of many seemingly peaceful but spiritually dark Amish communities. Our own family has and is currently experiencing the cries of the children and women harmed by this false traditional doctrine and its cascade of harm. A return to original Bible truth and simple imitation of Jesus is the answer to prevention, education, and healing.
I know right! Sounds about what happens everyday 24/7 with The “English.”
Abuse happens in every subgroup, but it is far more prevalent in groups that are authority based, with strong patriarchy rules, strong insulation from the outside world, and lots of secrecy.
Just because it may also happen among “The English” does not mean that it doesn’t happen among the Amish.
Pretending that all is fine does not help. Admitting that there may be a problem, and listening to those who are speaking up, is a moral imperative for those who claim to follow God.
This is absolutely true. It’s one of the most realistic articles I have read on the AmishI live in Amish country, I’m English bu the I know a lot of them and work with them. To deny it is more of a sin, you’re encouraging this abuse.
Shame on you for denying the truth and enabling these abusers with your ignorance.
Bobby, please for the sake of every person who has lived with this abuse, please educate yourself about what is really going on in Amish churches across this country. I can tell with with 100% confidence that this is in fact happening exactly as described.
Statistically, sexual abuse in the Catholic Church is comparable to sexual abuse in Protestant denominations. Sexual abuse is not limited to celibate priests and is not in any way a crisis limited to the Catholic Church.
Also, Catholic masses were said in Latin because it was communal. Not “so hearers wouldn’t understand”. Misguided, yes, but with good intentions.
Hi Kate,
I’ll actually be writing more about this tomorrow, but I think the issue with the Catholic church scandals was how priests were moved and were able to have so many more victims. I agree that other people also abuse, but I think if you look at the sheer number of victims, especially in Ireland, Australia, and some archdioceses in the U.S., it was a crisis that really had nothing comparable to it. Others may also abuse, but they simply don’t have access to that number of victims, and they don’t tend to stay in ministry for decades and decades. And that is just so, so sad.
Actually, the author is correct in her assertion that Latin masses were conducted to discourage believers from rebelling. Just spend some time looking up Martin Luther. I can link some articles if wanted!
Thank you Kate. As a Catholic, it is always nice to hear someone say something in defense of my religion. The scandal was horrific, and I only pray that the church has learned from their very bad and illegal choices.
I think the American church certainly has–and the Canadian one, too. And the Royal Commission in Australia was very thorough, and I’m sure the church has really cleaned things up there. I’m just not sure the Vatican itself has, simply because Cardinal Law is still there. To promote someone who so failed in his job to protect kids and knew about the abuse and did nothing–that is really hard to take. And there are still many who are implicated who are high up in the church. I just pray for a more thorough house cleaning. From the outside, it looks as if the laity was really let down by the hierarchy, and the future of the Catholic church is in the laity who is faithful and good. I just hope the hierarchy lets the laity lead the way!
This is true. It’s interesting how so many evangelicals that I know came out of Catholicism, and complain about all of the legalism and religion that they found there. And yet, it’s present in Protestant Christianity as well, it just takes a different form.
You are right in the highly unrealistic portrayal that “Amish” romance novels usually give. 🙂 And the TV shows!!! Far from it! 🙁 Please be careful that in your (just!) horror over the revelations you have made, you do not assume all the bad to be true of ALL the people and communities. Districts vary quite a bit from one another! I do not deny the things you bring up; I can only say, they are not true for all Amish. I also am extremely saddened by the dark side of my culture- yes, I have very deep roots in it. 🙂 my father and all my grandparents grew up Amish and I live among them, that is my frame of reference. Fwiw. 🙂
I love Beverly Lewis books on the Amish. Her family has background in the community so she can portay many sides of their lives. From the families that do come to know Christ,to those who abuse their wives and get away with it because no one can say anything against the head of a family. To even those communities who practice witchcraft (for real). And yeah the books are often love stories too,but also stories of anguish. But the good side of good Amish people is also portrayed. I personally think its a healthy balance. That being said, ive lived a lot of my life surrounded by the Amish. We once knew a man who had many run ins with the elders because he wouldn’t conform(I think he truly is a believer) he eventually got shunned because he reported to the police a man (who was not Amish) that was molesting Amish girls. People get away with it all the time because the Amish laws often peace forbid actually doing anything about it. So yeah. He got cut off from his entire community for protecting people from a sexual predator. So awful.
I agree with Kate, Sheila. You need to do better research with regard to the Catholic Church. No other denomination has done as much to “clean house” with regard to sexual abuse…the vast majority of which was committed by homosexual men who ought not to have been ordained priests in the first place! As to your comments about our Mass being celebrated in Latin…well, all I can say is you need to stop getting your “information” about the Church from biased sources.
I completely agree with you here, Gregory. The Church has done a very good job, especially in the United States. I also agree that it was primarily a homosexual problem, and it’s too bad that the press wasn’t honest about this.
Homosexuality and pedophilia ore two completely different things. Please do not perpetuate this misinformation.
Well, that’s the issue, though, isn’t it? Technically abusing a pubescent or post-pubescent child is not pedophilia–it’s ephebophilia. In the Catholic sex abuse scandal the number of actual pedophilia episodes was actually quite small. The majority (I think 85 or 90%) of cases were males who were pubescent or just post-pubescent (like 11-13 age range). And the majority of perpetrators were homosexuals. While true pedophilia tends to be both heterosexual and homosexual if you look at the literature, ephebophilia instead is mostly perpetrated by homosexuals. The media, however, portrayed it as a pedophilia crisis, when it wasn’t. It was mostly young, adolescent boys. And so they did a real disservice in truly talking about what was happening.
I thought some of those terms seemed off so I looked it up; ephebophilia is the sexual attraction of an adult to an adolescent, specifically one in the age range of 15 to 19. You’re thinking of hebephilia, where the attraction is to juveniles in the 11 to 13 range.
Also, pedophilia is considered an umbrella term by social scientists and is applied to people 13 or younger. That means that it is still, technically, a pedophilia problem.
Also, since pedophilia is universally despised by developed societies I don’t understand why you decided to try and throw the blame onto homosexuals. Yes, technically most, not all, of the abuses were male on male, maybe because of boys having a more active role in the church than girls, but they were all acts of pedophilia. By trying to blame another group you take the focus away from the real criminals.
Homosexuality and pedophilia are not the same. Most pedophiles are heterosexuals, homosexuals make up only a small percentage of the population. Blaming an innocent group and demonising them is wrong.
This really hit home with me as I recently finished reading an Amish fiction series that I totally loved – I could hardly put each book down! I think that I, like so many others, was drawn to the idea of such a simple way of living and was challenged by the way the women go to great lengths to take care of their families.
That being said, I will read the books you have recommended because I can totally see how abuse could happen so very easily. And I will be much more cautious about falling for the storybook life we often see presented. Thank you for sharing this perspective!
I think that we are all so weary of the “rat race”
That it’s natural to find the Amish lifestyle so incredibly intriguing. I have often wished we could live like Amish (but with our Christian beliefs-and air conditioning ?)
So sad that their community is so full of negative-and from those who were meant to protect them!! In a perfect world, a patriarchal society sounds lovely to me. But we and our world are so far from perfect…
Thank you for providing sources for people to get the full story and have a perspective on both sides of Amish life.
I would caution against saying or implying that all of one group is a certain way. We have friends that are LDS and live completely normal lives and are the most welcoming kind people-but the media would have you believe they’re all like the FLDS. I’m not saying I’m converting because the beliefs are very different….
What if non believers said “you’re baptist? Like Westboro Baptist?”….just food for thought.
If you are researching about the problem in the Catholic church, please be sure to check out thesestonewalls.com. There is a wealth of information of which few are aware.
Romaticizing anything isn’t good. I can certainly believe that all this could happen in any community. As one from a Mennonite heritage, I have always been saddened by the falling away from the true faith, the holding fast to their own works of “righteousness” and not holding fast to the work of Christ which is truly able to save our souls.
Read Runaway Amish Girl by Emma Gingerich.
What I think has already been commented by a couple of people.
First of all, these things are horrible! Anytime I hear of someone converting to Christianity from the Amish community, and staying in the area to live as missionaries, I think it’s just wonderful.
One thing someone already mentioned is that it’s likely that not all Amish areas are like this. I know that’s the case in our churches. Some are way different than others, even in the same denomination.
Also, I agree with the person who commented about Beverly Lewis. There are some authors who do a good job of showing that yes, they have a nice barn and furry animals, but there is also some really ugly stuff. I don’t mind reading books that are balanced.
Finally, the truth. Thank you.
Farm life and sewing are great.
But true life with Christ is much more.
For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives Life.
I totally believe it. I was raised strict baptist and was taught that the abuse I was exposed to was necessary to save me from hell. I didn’t know this wasn’t normal so I didn’t think there was any alternative. We were taught that the outside world was evil and the abuse hotline was just a ruse for people to kidnap us. My heart bleeds for people stuck in these situations that don’t think they have any hope of anything else. Especially the mothers!
Shelia, thanks for your article. It was written about me and my people. I want to say that I am sure the (2?) stories you read were true. I want to say also that there are thousands of stories by others of us that are completely different. Indeed, Amish should never be idealized. We are very human. You are right, it easy to hide behind the culture.
You may have been a bit mistaken with your ten points because I believe none of them to be true about ALL of the Amish.
I get uneasy when people say ” Christians, Mennonites, Amish, Germans ( whatever group of people) do this”. Because culture and religions have as much variety as shells in a sea. Amish vary SO much from community to community!!
I hear your cry and I say ” Amen!!” This problem is NOT what Jesus wants to see in His followers.
I would like to see wider reasearch done with people still living in an Amish community. People leaving this culture often react and only say their negative story. Try to find some positive stories as well. I know my story is full of blessing from this culture. Grace and Salvation were freely shown to me. My dirty hard working hands as a child made my character strong. I cook, clean, and garden at a home of my own now. I’ve been so blessed by my heritage.
My heart is with yours… I hope every person, every family, every community, every culture will come to know grace, to know Jesus, to know Joy and Safety. I stand behind you in this fight!
I feel too that, while what Sheila addresses in this post is very real and horrible, it is not the norm in every community. I am not Amish, but I am part of a community that she would probably call “hyper-conservative” and I do not feel it is fair to make a blanket statement like this. If you look for horror stories, you will find them in every age and culture. If you are concerned about the spiritual condition of these people, pray! God has been working in miraculous ways among those whose hearts are open to him. He is not powerless against wickedness that keeps people in bondage.
I’d agree that it doesn’t happen to all Amish–and I really am sorry if I ever gave that impression! That’s not what I meant, and I thought that I had clarified.
But here’s what I do mean:
Certain cultures are more prone to abuse: those where there is hyper-obedience to males; where women and children have little power; where adherence and loyalty to a group is one of the highest ideals; where outsiders are viewed with suspicion–in those cultures there will automatically be more abuse. There just will.
That does not mean that EVERYONE will abuse. But it will be more common than in the general population, as I explained here. And that is why we need to be very careful not to create cultures where men have a ton of power and women and children very little. When we do, we will have a crisis of abuse. To say that it doesn’t happen to everyone I’m not sure is a valid argument. The point is that we want NO child abuse, and so let’s look at what promotes healthy families and less abuse. And we know that certain cultures promote more. So even if “more” is only 8% instead of 5% or something (I’m making up those numbers), don’t those extra 3% matter? That’s what I’m arguing–let’s promote cultures that make this LESS likely to happen, not MORE likely to happen. It will never happen to EVERYONE, and it will always happen to SOMEONE. But we can still aim for less, can’t we? Shouldn’t that be a goal that we all want?
I’d just like to add to your comment that MALES aren’t the problem…it is the power given to them in these cultures, not that males are in any way more evil. We just don’t see very many cultures where women have the position of power, but women are equally prone to abusing people who are in a position ‘beneath’ them.
I just wanted to add this because of the recent discussions about ‘male shaming’ on this blog. ?
Very good point, E!
Statistics show that males, whether in power or not, are more likely to commit violent crimes than females. While their are certainly female abusers out there, their number is far outnumbered by male perpertrators. Most females murders are at the hands of men, most male murder victims are at the hands of men, most LGBTIQ victims are murdered by men and the same goes for sexual abuse and assault. Religious and cultural patriarchy plays a huge part in this.
2 points!
1) I remember behind curious about the Amish after seeing many on a road trip. Did a minimal amount of research and found they have ridiculously high suicide rates.
2) Your information about the Catholic Latin Mass is false. I actually attend the Latin Mass, and have throughout my whole life. There purpose for latin is unity, and preservation of the meaning of the words. When everyone was familiar with Latin, it made sense to be the language of the church, and later, Latin remained the language of the church after becoming a dead language, preserved the sacred words meanings. Living language can result in word meanings changing. Prayer books have Latin and English printed side by side. Our very young sons are learning to follow the mass, in spite of the language, by following actions, gestures, audio clues etc. And of course the Epistle and Gospel are read again in English, along with the sermon.
The reality is that every time period, culture, religion, people group, etc. can be romanticized by people not living in it. You see it all the time with the pioneer time period as well and I know reading Little House on the Prairie did the same thing for me when I was young. The grass is always greener on the other side. If life is hectic, we long for the simplicity represented by the Amish and the pioneers. If we are bored with our life, we long for the adventure of the revolutionary time period and the passion they had. If we are disillusioned with marriage as an institution we long for the “good old days” when people married for life and never divorced. But every one of these things (and every other one we could possibly image) has it’s dark side, it’s hard side, it’s struggles and secrets. Why? Because they all involve sinful, self centered human beings. Yes, my grandparents were married forever (well over 50 years when he died) but my grandmother had no alternatives. She had no skills to support herself even if she had wanted to leave. Doesn’t mean it was a love filled, happy, healthy marriage. Many women throughout time have had no choice because marriage was literally about a roof over your head and food in your stomach. We would be wise to not romanticize any life we haven’t lived and take on a “the grass is greener on the other side” mentality. The fact is that the grass is greener where you water it!
I was raised in an Old Order Mennonite community and I am a church member today. I had a very happy childhood spending hours playing on my parents farm. Please dont put all Amish and Mennonite community’s in the same boat! My community loves Jesus and we hear the gospel preached every Sunday. I would not change my belief for anything. Yes unfortunately there is sexual abuse amongst the plain sects. God forbid that anyone should do that to a child. The bible says it were better that a millstone be hanged around His neck and be drowned that to hurt a child. I think often abuse happens because of ignorance. Teenagers need to be til what is happening to their changing bodies. Fathers need Jesus in their lives!
I very much enjoyed Amish books when I was younger but reading further about the culture disturbed me…especially the fact that its teachings were far from biblical. As you said, I’m sure there are definitely people of faith in the communities and some wonderful cultural aspects, but without an understanding of Jesus as their saviour it sounds lIke there is a significant mission field in those communities.
We have friends who came out of the Amish and are making a documentary about the culture and how they came out of it. The father of the man making the film had been an elder and their family was excommunicated after they began teaching out of the Bible! http://www.myamishstory.com/
That looks great! And that’s a common story–that when people start believing the Bible and teaching from it, they’re forced to leave. We need to wake up about this!
I notice the book you mention was self-published. Regrettably, Christian publishers won’t rip on their Amish “cash cow.” I get it. I do. But these stories need to be told.
I represented an author writing on these exact issues. She originally had to self-publish her memoir as a novel because otherwise no one else would touch it. Her husband raped her before they were married, she got pregnant, so they were forced to get married. Her family was relatively healthy, but his was horribly abusive. Her sister-in-law gets pregnant too and the author doesn’t understand why she can’t just marry the father like she had to do. Welp, her husband (aka, her SIL’s brother) is the father. Later it comes out that they don’t know if the child is her brother’s or her father’s, because they were both raping her. Then her husband later raped her sister when she temporarily stayed with them. The author finally takes her two children and leaves. She is shunned. It is an extremely cruel practice. In the end, her faith remains in tact (well, becomes TRUE) and she is eventually reconciled to her parents, but then they too get shunned for associating with her and have to move to a more “liberal” Amish community.
Awful, awful stuff. Funny, I’ve never been able to get into Amish romance. Go figure.
Wow, Kay. What a story! And yet not unlike what I read in doing a ton of research last week. This stuff is truly horrible. And I wish the Christian publishers would stop milking that Amish cash cow.
The Catholic mass said in Latin was not done so people would not understand. Not at all. Sheila, i have always enjoyed your blog but as a Catholic I cannot let that statement go without comment. I am not saying that you meant any kind of offense by it but since the harm and scandal of the reformation these kind of statements were once very commonly hurled against catholics. They are at best ignorant and at worst bigoted. Our diocese holds a couple of latin masses and good luck getting in. They are packed. And not with older folks remembering the good ol days. There are some older people, sure. But lots of younger people from all different language backgrounds, spanish, vietnamese, english, you name it. In the context of this post about sex abuse, the real problem was how did these abusers get ordained in the first place? Thats the real problem, and it was made worse by being moved around. I could go on and on but let me leave you with this thought. Any young man going into a Catholic seminary today knows full well what he is facing. The looks, and the stares and the understanding that there are many in our society who have already judged him to be a child molester.
I am not Catholic, but my husband is. And the Catholic bashing that goes on is astounding, with many people not even thinking about what they’re saying. Things like all Catholics are going straight to hell (because of this sexual abuse). And I’m like really? But, I agree – its not the church or the institution in and of itself that’s the problem. Its how these sexual deviants are ordained in the first place and what the church can do to better select their future clergy…
Thank you, Chris, for your positive remarks on the Latin Mass! I made some of my own yesterday, too.
I would like to make sure that you understand that not all Amish communities are like what is described above. I am Amish and have never experienced the abuse that you say is common. I do agree that the “Amish Romance” books are fictional, we have our faults like all humans do. That is why Jesus came and died for our sins, so that we may be saved! I have a English KJV study bible. Our ministers encourage us to read and study the bible, I have never heard of an Amish church that does not encourage their members to read and study their own bible. I believe in Salvation through the blood of Jesus. He is my Savior!
I find it interesting that you are commenting on a blog?
Oh my word! I had no idea! Thank you Sheila for shining a light on this!
I’ve been both Amish and Mennonite (my father was shunned which led to my family joining the Mennonites,) my extended family is all Amish and I say yes to this! The abuse, depression, oppression of women, cruelty, control are all real, there’s so much darkness in that culture. Sit through one church/wedding/funeral/baptism service of theirs and you’ll see the darkness. As others have commented not all Amish are this way. There are those that truly have a relationship with Christ. I do respect and understand some of theirs ways/beliefs but the freedom, peace, joy, etc. I’ve experienced since I’ve left were not experienced in those communities while under such a strict list of rules. In their minds the traditions are vital to get you to heaven and life is all about doing just enough to get you to heaven, but you can’t know if you’re saved or not, you simply do and hope you’re doing enough. It’s such a fear based way to live. And yes(!) to there being so much judgement and mounds of gossip that often tears churches apart. Most new churches are started because of a church split, normally caused by a disagreement over the rules. It’s not about reaching out and bringing others to Christ but about persevering the rules and traditions. It breaks my heart to see my family in this culture and it makes me sick when people speak so highly of the Amish.
Thanks for speaking up, Emma!
Any religious cult is suseptible to such problems. I might go as far as to say any bible based cult is. It is interesting you didn’t notice that the amish rule about women being submissive to men is biblical. Our society improves in part morally as it moves in a secular direction. It’s time to abandon ancient and archaic religions.
PS I grew up as a missionary kid in PNG with New Tribes Mission.
Yes, the bible does say that wives should submit to their husbands, but it also says that husbands should love their wives as Christ loves the church.
And, Sandy, it also says that husbands should submit to wives, though not as explicitly (Ephesians 5:21). We are all to submit to each other.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. An article whose time has come. TRUTH. Step by step TRUTH. I know because my sister’s and I lived it. Before now very, very few would dare believe any of this was going on. The “English” community kept the doors locked tight (so to speak) to any negatively spoken against the Amish. As you can see from a few comments here, some still do. Thankfully, 50 years ago, my sister and I had people who saw behind the “facade.”
I think the point of these articles is that abuse often hides under the guise of “Christianity” and it needs to stop! How it must especially grieve God when a so-called believer exploits another and claims to walk with Christ. To ignore sexual abuse within the body of Christ – to pretend it doesnt exist and to hide it behind “grace” without consequence is reprehensible.
I grew up in a (not strict at all) Mennonite family in and had Amish friends and neighbors. (Have moved away, but still have Amish and more formerly Amish friends.) The obsession with Amish romance stories is just annoying, as so many are full of gross inaccuracies, and as you’ve said, paint an idealistic picture of what is real life. There are many cases of abuse among the Amish and Mennonites, I’ve seen many among friends’ families and my own extended family. And there are many healthy, strong families that have room for healthy, frank discussions and debate. I don’t think you have at all painted the picture unfairly, no one is saying ALL Amish families are dysfunctional and abusive. I believe many do have a sincere faith, sadly, many do not. Most of my Amish friends who’ve really had an encounter with Jesus have left the Amish. Some of them have really been ostracized, some still go to family get-togethers and have much more normal relationships with their extended family who are still Amish. So, even the “shunning” varies widely from community to community. One point I might dispute just a little is that the although Amish/Mennonite women have a huge workload with large families, big gardens, no electricity (note this does NOT mean they don’t have refrigerators and washing machines, they are just powered off-grid!) is that most Amish moms I know have a ready supply of babysitters, and almost always have help with big projects, such as canning, sewing etc. There are ALWAYS sisters, sister-in-laws, nieces, etc coming around. So quite honestly, in some ways (let me not be too idealistic here! 🙂 ) their work is really shared much better than those of us who live far from family and are very individualistic and isolated. Thank you for posting this article, quite honestly, the light needs to be shown on the ugly side of this culture.
Hi, Sheila—this is Leona Nichols, who wrote Other Loves All Flee. Thanks so much for showcasing my book, and yes, what you’re saying is SO true. I can remember the total shock when the minister got up in a council (members) meeting to say, “Brethren, Satan has entered our fellowship as an angel of light in the form of a prayer meeting, and we must rout him out!” We were in total shock. We’d met with this minister privately and he made no such remarks. Yes, there is also some sexual abuse of young children, but probably rare. There has just been a lawsuit in Idaho and the two boys, grown up now, won their case. By the way, the sequel to the book Other Loves is “His Grace Found Me,” which contains the stories of 5 other families. I also have a poetry book entitled “Quiet Things, Quiet Places.” Blessings to you, Sheila—we are so incredibly blest to be simply “Christ followers, not part of a “one, only true church.” The joy of following Jesus without the barriers of legalism is incredible. Blessings to you—I’d love to talk, to email, whatever you can do.Leona Nichols
This is such an important topic. I am deeply grieved when I receive CBD catalogs (they have the lowest prices on some of the homeschooling books I buy) and see all the Amish romance novels for sale. While there certainly is diversity among different Amish communities, they do all subscribe to the belief that their salvation hangs on absolute adherence to the rules of their community. It’s not just a lovely community filled with quilts and pies and gardens all in a row.
I grew up in Wisconsin which has a large Amish population and, for most of my life, I just thought they were quaint people who liked old fashioned living. I had no idea they risked losing their whole family, community, and church if they deviated even slightly from the rules. The more conservative groups won’t let their young people marry into a more liberal group. An Amish person marrying a Mennonite or Old Brethren German Baptist is absolutely forbidden. Because they allow women to wear dresses with printed fabrics and let people plant flowers in front of their homes.
The diversity among Mennonites is much greater. Some Mennonites are old order but some are not.
I lived among the Amish in KY. They keep to themselves and don’t share much information. I knew of one man convicted of child abuse and he spent time in jail. His children were divided up among his community to be raised by other Amish. Sexual abuse does happen and nothing is said or done about it. I bought my farm from an Amish family and found that it was alright for them to lie to an “English” person as we didn’t count.
Getting the facts is very difficult as they don’t share their stories with outsiders. I had a mixture of Amish, Mennonite and Rednecks in my neighborhood. I preferred the Mennonite’s over the others ! The Amish Romance Books are bunk!
There is nothing romantic about working hard just to stay alive and stay in the community.
I definitely agree that people need to stop going so crazy over Amish simply from reading fiction!
But I will say where we live there is many many types of Mennonite!
Husband n I grew up in a more conservative group where everything is based more on tradition than the bible and very hypocritical in that many have no problems lying cheating drinking etc and the woman has no say in anything .
But we belong to a more progressive(with a few of the old traditions like head coverings but woman do not really wear any homemade clothes or dresses) type of Mennonite church and things are very different in comparison and still changing.
We have always been encouraged to read our bible and search God’s word and that marriage is a team not just a man in charge over everything
There is also a variety of way more progressive Mennonite churches yet.
Many judge us that since we are “Mennonite ” we have abusive families and been sexually abused etc or treat us woman like we haven’t a brain in our head.
I’m just cautioning against using stereotypes and lumping us all together. Some people’s assumptions about me as a Mennonite woman have really hurt and not even maybe been close to accurate!
I know this is an old post but I just read it for the first time. It’s so describes everything that I have been feeling about the Amish, having an Amish background. Misty Griffin who wrote Tears of the silenced lived in our home. My dad is the bishop who abused her… and us his daughters. I know this book is based on a true story. Not all the details are exactly as they happened. But it all happens among the Amish.
Barbara, I’m so glad you found me, and I’m so, so sorry for what your father did to you. That is evil. I pray that you will find your way out, to a full understanding of how much God loves you, and how much Jesus hates abuse!
I’m an author who wrote a novel based on my former Amish friends’ experiences. I can say without doubt that publishers pressure authors to keep Amish stories “light”. I wanted to be honest, and in many ways, I was in my book. But it was a tough experience to be an author who only wanted to share truth in order to bring balance to the Amish way of life.
I’ve personally met young ladies who had left their Amish culture and had been abused. Many Believers do not want to know this. Many describe former Amish as “bitter” when the former Amish only want to tell their stories, and know that someone “hears” them.
I also volunteer with a group that aids former Amish when they leave their communities. We help with all sorts of issues: gaining GEDs, driver’s licences, birth certificates, and social security numbers, for example. Those who leave the lower churches, especially, need these kinds of documents.
My heart is for the Amish and the former Amish. My in-laws are Amish, so I understand the good, as well as the not so good, aspects of living Amish. We English do the Amish no favors when we ignore abuse that can scar folks for life. Thank you for sharing this truth!
I live in Northeast Ohio with many Amish communities nearby. I can personally attest to the animal cruelty and puppy mills, because our shelters are filled with dogs that had been bred nearly to death and then the Amish threatened to shoot them unless a rescue stepped up. I know someone who rescued a horse that had been abused by the Amish. My cousin is a neonatologist at our local childrens’ hospital and the birth defects present in the Amish community from incest and interbreeding are unlike anything seen outside of these communities. I personally refuse to buy anything from the Amish and I am so happy that Ohio made animal cruelty a felony!
Thank you for speaking out against the unspeakably cruel Amish puppy mills. I recently adopted a tiny dog who was rescued from one after spending 10 years of his life in a cage, treated as ‘livestock’. It breaks my heart that humans can inflict such suffering on innocent animals. I will never have a good word to say about the Amish because even the so-called ‘good’ people in a community with puppy mills is compliant if they allow them to continue. I’m ashamed to be part of the human race that can treat other beings like this.
Amen….. my hubby was raised old order. They never shunned him, but boy are they horrible to me and my children. THey will do nice things for him. But, when my life and my baby’s life were in trouble during my pregnancy…. they didn’t even call (from one of their many cells) to see if we were alive. I never had any problems with the amish, until I saw how they treat English as though they are less than human. The only time the english have any value is if they need us…. as customers, or rides, or to order something online for them. God bless my husband, he doesn’t see how truely rude they can be because they will never behave that way in front of him. Also… the gossipping, …if they talk like that about others behind their back, imagine what they say about you when youre not around. I find I am better off not being around them.
I always grew up respecting the Amish community and lifestyle. I started dating an Amish guy that I had worked with for years and he wanted to leave the Amish…..so he moved in with me. One of the worst mistakes I have ever made. I have nothing good to say about any of the experience and I definitely have lost all respect for any Amish. Sorry that’s how I feel. I’m sure their may be upstanding communities out there somewhere but I haven’t come across any yet. It’s a pure cult. And I can’t believe the govt doesn’t step in.
This is an old post, and I have to admit I was agreeing with it all the way. Yes, this had to be a hard one to write.
I think though, for the sake of my Amish friends it is important to remember the person and not blame the religion. In Plain communities, it is more susceptible to abuse because of the way it is set up, but it is still the choice of the abuser to abuse and the church to cover it up.
It does not mean all Amish are abusive. In churches in general, the cover up of abuse is rampant. A Better Way is one ministry that is speaking up about this, while ministering from inside the Plain communities, respecting their beliefs and not putting them down for “wearing bonnets”, being homemakers, and holding to Plain beliefs as the reason.
I grew up living amidst an Amish community, I attended their school and witnessed abuse. I went to Mennonite school/church as well. I had and still have many friends in the plain communities. They do not handle abuse well. We need to call that out.
But what you may not know is that the Plain community dislike CF Amish novels because of the inaccuracy, but at the same time there are some that expose the abuse which they hate and in you speaking out against all, you spoke out against some authors that are really working hard to stop the Abuse in their circles. I read the whole post, hoping you were going to speak in support of those authors or the ones in the community fighting against abuse.
So, keep speaking out, encouraging people to test what they read and not hide behind fake stories.
Torah Bontrager talks a lot about this.