What do you do when you find out your preteen thinks she’s a lesbian?
It’s Rebecca here today, since Mom’s away in Ireland for her 25th anniversary trip. So, since I just wrote a book about Why I Didn’t Rebel, she thought I’d be a good person to tackle this one!
Here’s the question we got:
I’m horrified. I just found texts on my 12 year old daughters phone that she has been telling friends at school that she is a Lesbian and has a girlfriend. This is all news to me and I am having a very hard time digesting this information. I don’t even know where to begin. Should I leave it and maybe she is just doing it as a shock factor thing, or should I approach her?
Wow. What do you do when your kid is just a preteen but is going through something this difficult?
When I read this, I don’t necessarily see this as a problem of “my kid thinks she’s a lesbian” and more as a problem of parents not knowing that this was happening. So I want to focus more on how to increase communication between parents and their preteen or teenaged kids.
First of all, though, understand what being gay often means to kids.
To be honest, being gay is kind of in vogue right now. A large portion of the top YouTubers are part of the LGBTQ community, and when someone comes out they’re hailed as a hero.
Lots of people truly do experience same-sex attraction, and they experience real struggles. But growing up, I had many friends “become gay” or “decide they were lesbians” in Jr. High or High School only to suddenly “become straight again” when they find someone who wants to go out with them. (I also knew some kids who truly were bisexual or gay, and their struggle was much different than these kids who were simply trying to find somewhere to fit in.)
This isn’t meant to minimize the struggles of kids in the LGBTQ community–quite the opposite. I think that the fact that this “trend” is happening cheapens their experience. But there are a lot of kids who see the attention and the pats on the back that kids who come out are getting and, if they feel alone, it can seem like a good way to feel validated.
So your daughter saying she’s a lesbian now, when she’s twelve, doesn’t necessarily mean that it will be the case in their adult years.
The other thing to consider is that your daughter is twelve. The fact that she is saying she’s a lesbian isn’t really your main concern, in my opinion–the main concern is that she is obviously going through something difficult and she needs you to be involved. And for most kids the problem isn’t something this specific–it’s that they need better communication with their parents.
So let’s focus on that.
1. Actually get involved with your kids’ real lives–not just their activities.
A lot of parents think that “being involved” means interrogating their kids over family dinners, reading their journals to keep tabs, or tracking their phones.
Nope, that’s not what I’m talking about.
Involved parents are a big part of their kids’ lives, more than just the kids’ chauffeur, chef, and maid. Parents often think that they’re very involved because they spend a lot of time with their kids–driving to soccer, making and packing lunches and snacks, and doing chores together to clean up the house.
But in reality, those activities do nothing to strengthen your relationship. What does strengthen your relationship is being involved with your kids’ downtime. Sitting around in the kitchen watching funny cat videos does more for your relationship than towing them to soccer.
You need to have a real relationship with your kids. Being involved doesn’t mean keeping tabs–it means being a natural part of your kids’ daily experience. That’s the only way they’ll ever believe that you could possibly understand what they’re going through–if you’re a part of their daily lives.
2. Remember that you need to earn your kids’ trust.
Parents often forget that if they want their kids to open up and tell them things, they need to be worthy of their kids’ trust. And no, simply being a parent does not mean you’re worthy of your kids’ trust.
When kids become adolescents, their independence and feeling respected become more important than they ever have been before. They start keeping secrets, and are unlikely to divulge them unless they feel like their independence won’t be threatened, or if they feel like they wouldn’t be respected as an adult. I know it sounds silly, because a 12 year old is not an adult, but your preteen still deserves your respect.
So how do you earn their trust?
Quick answer: it takes time. Ideally you can start early, and by the time they hit their preteen years they trust you. But if you haven’t done that, here’s what I’ve seen work:
1. Openly and honestly talk to your kids about what you’re feeling
Remember, kids want to be respected. So show them some respect and be honest with them. It is perfectly acceptable for a parent to say:
“Honey, I heard that you have been telling people you have a girlfriend. I’m concerned that I didn’t know about this before, and I want you to feel like you can come to me with these sorts of things. So I’d like for us to work on that because I really care about you and I’m worried that you feel like you’re going through this alone. I want to show you that I’m here for you because I want us to be friends.”
Being vulnerable gives them permission to be vulnerable, too, because you’re treating them like you would a friend, which is what your kid needs you to be if they’re going to open up. Yes, you’re a parent first and foremost. But they need you to be both.
2. Don’t punish when they open up
One of the best ways to burn bridges with your kids is to punish them when they divulge secrets. Talking to parents should never be punished. Never. In the interviews for my books, the way parents handled their kids confessing, when it went well, usually included (a) listening without judgment, (b) thanking them sincerely for coming to you, and empathizing, and then (c) after a bit of time (e.g., the next morning) talking with the kid about where to go from there (enforcing punishments, changing some routines, whatever you need to do).
But there are some things that don’t need to be punished. With the girl above, nothing needs to be punished–and so if there are any “consequences” the only thing I would really recommend was saying, after they talked about it, that it was inappropriate for a 12-year-old to be dating anyone, no matter who they are. But punishing the kid for saying she’s a lesbian isn’t going to help anything. All that would do would tell the kid, “you can’t come to your parents with this sort of thing because they won’t understand.”
3. Spend time together
Of course, none of this will really work if you aren’t going to work on building that relationship. A relationship can’t only be built around these hard conversations–like I said above, you’ve got to have down time together, too.
3. Focus on understanding more than getting information.
When parents are faced with these hard conversations, it can be easy to go into panic mode. Which is closely followed by crisis management.
But your kid doesn’t actually need that. What she needs is someone to hear her. To understand. To take time and put themselves in her shoes.
It’s only after you understand, truly put yourself in your kid’s position, that you’ll be able to see what she’s going through and understand what the next steps should be. The problem is that parents care so incredibly much for their kids that it can be difficult to take that step back, stop worrying about what will happen, and focus on what is happening in their kid’s life right now.
For the girl in the reader question–maybe she feels alone. Maybe she feels invisible. Maybe this girl is the only person who’s really nice to her at school. But her parents won’t figure out any of that if they’re so focused on trying to put a stop to everything that they don’t take time to just listen.
That’s all I have for today–how do you handle crises in your family? What communication styles work best for you and your kids? Let me know in the comments and we can chat about it!
So much yes to this, especially the part about the kid coming out. It’s very much an “in” thing at school, especially for girls. The majority of the girls at my kids school say they are bisexual. My daughter, now 17, came out as pansexual 2 years ago (which means she loves everybody I. E. Guys, girls, trans). We were absolutely devastated and I said some really awful things (in my defense, she came “out” by accident cuz she had been caught seeing a boy we didn’t approve of and I was about to go dig through her room searching for drugs). Turns out that at age 12 she kissed her best friend (girl) and they dated for a month. Then their whole friendship deteriorated. We knew nothing about any of this and yet we talk to our kids about absolutely everything… anyways. There’s a lot more to this story but ultimately we could see that our daughter, who had been bullied her entire school years and suffers from a number of mental health issues as well as learning disabilities, was just looking to belong somewhere and the LGBT community provided that. She still says she’s pan, but we don’t make a big deal about it. We’ve explained what the Bible says about it but that we love her no matter what and we will support her through her emotions. It should be noted that other than that one girl, she has only been interested in boys since so we’re trusting the Lord to work it out. Parents, if your kid does come out, PLEASE, don’t bible thump and make them feel awful about it. That will only turn their hearts away from the Lord. Love them through it and once that trust is built, like Rebecca mentions, then you can gently talk about the sin of it and how having feelings and acting out on it are two different things (we talk also about how sex outside of marriage is also a sin, etc). We have a great relationship with our daughter now and she is so much more mature than 2 years ago and dropped that rebellion she was going through. So hang in there!
I’ve had a similar experience with my eldest daughter who goes to a performing arts conservatory high school. Ninety percent of that school identifies as part of the LGBTQ community. It strikes me at how backwards things are. The LGBTQ community is the one that people who don’t fit in go to because they are accepted as they are. Should it not be the church that accepts people as they are? Isn’t that what Jesus did? He went to those whom society had shunned and met them where they were. It was His love and gentleness that attracted them and helped to open their eyes to what their true need was – a Savior. Once they understood that, they were convicted and began the hard work of changing their behaviors and fighting their sinful desires. But today’s church seems to require people to change first before accepting people. One of Satan’s most successful ploys is to deceive us, and he has certainly had a hay day with this issue. As Moogle says, there is a difference between feeling something and acting on it. None of us is sinless when it comes to our thought life or our tongue, even if we manage to keep our public actions in check with the law. I’ve often told my kids that obedience is a two step process that begins with the “want” to be obedient and ends with the actual obedience. But as I’ve recently been convicted of myself, obedience for the sake of obedience is nothing more than law based works and not obedience resulting from God’s grace and mercy. Thank you, Rebecca, for reminding us of what the real issue is.
Such good thoughts, Jen, and I”m glad you enjoyed the post. Thanks for commenting. 🙂
You are so very right. The difference, though, is that the LGBTQ community doesn’t ask you to repent. Jesus said, “go, and sin no more.” People don’t want to repent.
Yes yes yes PLEASE do not Bible thump! You are so right–it’s about showing love and building trust.
I’m so glad to hear your relationship has grown stronger–your comment’s got so much encouragement for parents going through the same thing! Thank you for sharing 🙂
The majority of girls in high school are bisexual?!? 90% in their school, someone here writes! As a guy who graduated from high school quite a while ago, someone please explain this to me! Do girls like guys any more? Is this why guys are turning to other things (you know what I’m referring to here) to satisfy their sexual urges? You’re saying that being bisexual for girls is the “in” thing to do. Huh? When I was a boy, if a lot of other guys at school were bisexual, that wouldn’t make me want to kiss, fondle, or have sex with another boy ONE BIT!! Please, please someone explain the female brain to me. I don’t understand this at all! Thank you.
I realize this is an old comment, but I feel it should be addressed anyway. No one said that 90% of girls identify as bi. What WAS said was that the majority of girls at one particular school identified as such, which could anywhere from 51% to 100%, but an actual figure was not specified by that commenter. It was a separate person who said that at a different school, 90% of the people there identified as LGBTQ in some fashion. Please note, LGBTQ is not just bi, but also gay, trans, enby, pan, ace, as well as numerous other sexual and gender identities that fall outside of heterosexual and cisgender. It’s an umbrella term. So the people at that school could have been many different things, not just bi, and not just the girls (unless it was a girl’s school, but the comment gave no indication that was the case).
I shall attempt to answer your question, if I may. Yes, girls still like boys. That hasn’t changed since you were in school. There are still straight girls, just as there are straight boys. But there are also bi girls too (and bi boys!). They like other girls, it’s true, like lesbians do. But, they also like boys as well. That what it means to be bi; you attracted to two sexes/genders. Some like both sexes equally, others might have a preference for one over the other, but regardless, they still experience attraction to two sexes.
I think you can safely assume that you are not bi, but straight, since you don’t want to do anything sexual with someone the same gender as yourself. But even though you can’t imagine wanting to do that yourself, surely it is not difficult to imagine that others might? It’s pretty straight forward. Some people are sexually attracted to more than one sex/gender. Period. Simple as that. You don’t need someone to “explain the female brain” to you in order to comprehend this. Just a moment’s thought, a little imagination, and an understanding that not everyone is like you.
This is such good parenting advice in general. Thank you!
I read a wonderful answer to this, from a counselor, on a life overseas blog.
http://www.alifeoverseas.com/ask-a-counselor-my-child-is-lgbtq-what-should-i-do/
An excellent response, Rebecca!
I have a friend who runs a ministry for people with same-sex attraction (she’s been doing it quite awhile and she, herself, struggled with it into young adulthood) and she knows the statistics on these things. The number of teens who will experience a same-sex attraction and/or a gender identity issue — who will then go on to reverse that in adulthood and be heterosexual for the rest of their lives– is very, very high. The teen years are tumultuous. The important thing is for your teen to know you are there for him or her even if you disagree with the choices they’re making.
For those of us that never had that relationship with our parents, we can say it would’ve made all the difference in the world. We probably would’ve still made some of the same choices but the trauma from those choices (and the domino effect of those choices) would’ve been greatly lessened and healing could’ve come much sooner if we’d had our parents on our side.
You don’t have to agree with their choices to be on their side.
Great suggestions!
Thanks for sharing this, Rebecca. It is great to hear the perspective of a young adult on how to deal with this difficult situation. I agree that we really need to be listening to (and hearing!) our children and spending time with them – not just running them from one activity to another. We also need to find the balance teaching them/setting expectations for them and loving them as Jesus does. It can be very difficult.