How do you kiss a man with a beard?
What if it’s scratchy? Stinky? Prickly?
Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and I LOVE today’s reader’s question for a whole lot of reasons. First, it’s not depressing. Last week’s on husbands going to strip clubs was depressing. Second, this is so timely for me, because my husband has just started growing a full beard! So let’s dive in:
A woman asks, “why do I hate my husband’s beard so much?”
I’ve been married to my best friend for 27 years. For the past year, he has been growing a full beard. He keeps it groomed and conditioned and it smells ok … but it has taken on a life of its own! He even entered a beard contest and he did very well. I’m happy for him, I’ll grudgingly admit that it IS a good looking beard. My hubby even dresses well and has cultivated a ‘look’ that is rather GQ and very beard friendly. It’s not like he stinks or is lazy… but I’m not finding this whole ‘beard world’ very attractive. In fact, its just the opposite. Bleech!! It is his focus, it gets his attention and yes, I’m jealous. How is it that my husband can look ‘good’ (well kept, well dressed, smell clean) and not be attractive to me? What’s broken inside me? I love to kiss my husband (He’s a great kisser) but all that hair around his mouth is oh so very unappealing. Sigh. I miss his kisses. He enjoys his beard so much and the attention it gets him is probably quite addictive. Gaaah!!! There’s so many layers to this onion. I don’t want him to stop doing something that makes him happy but.. sheesh, Right? Help!!!
Great question!
For years my husband had a goatee, that he kept cut fairly short. Here he is in one of my favourite pictures are Rebecca’s wedding–he was pretty groomed here, but honestly, it was pretty much always like that.
I actually REALLY like the look. I think he looks awesome with a goatee, and very stylish. The problem is that it was SCRATCHY. Really scratchy. So kissing was just not as fun. We still did, but those passionate kisses that last a long time? Not so much.
Then right before Christmas he decided that he wanted to try a full beard. He had a two week period where he wasn’t working very much, and then we were taking a month-long speaking tour in the RV, where he could look however he wanted, since he didn’t have to be on stage. So he decided to let it grow in!
By March it looked like this:
It got even a little more scraggly and a little longer, so he got it nice and trimmed up recently. And here are four tips that I have to keep finding him attractive:
Keep the Beard Groomed
Scraggly isn’t very attractive. So go to a barber and get it groomed properly! I actually find letting it grow out longer is much more comfortable. Kissing him now is much easier than when he had the goatee, because it’s not all prickly.
Another thing to consider with beard grooming is the length of the mustache. If your husband’s mustache is dipping below his upper lip, kissing him is going to mean a mouth full of mustache. So there are two options: first, keep the mustached trimmed (it really won’t make the rest of his beard look weird–you trim it to the lip, it’s just part of good grooming) or you style the mustache to not be directly on the lips. This can make kissing much easier for the wife!
Beard Oil Makes Kissing Fun!
(I’ve got an affiliate link below)
When I was trying to figure out what to put in the kids’ stockings at Christmas, I asked Rebecca what her husband Connor would want. She texted me, “Beard oil!”, right when I was out shopping with my husband. So I told him. Keith’s response was:
You know how you never wanted something because you didn’t know such a thing existed, but then once you find out it exists it is the one thing in the world that you want most?
So he got some beard oil in his Christmas stocking, too! Here’s the one we love.
Many men have a problem with very coarse hair, and this can seriously help. It’s a leave-in conditioner, so you just put a few drops on your hands and rub it in, and seriously–his beard is really soft! And it smells like cedarwood. Yummy!
Always Eat with Napkins so His Beard Doesn’t Get Gross
The other issue with beards is that food just plain gets in them–even if he’s a careful eater and even if he keeps it groomed. So it’s essential that guys who start growing beards regularly use a napkin when eating. Nothing can turn a woman off more than seeing a guy covered in crumbs, even, as I said, if he’s normally very hygienic! So keep kleenexes, napkins, and paper towels scattered in convenient places throughout the house. And even put a mirror up in the dining room where you eat angled so he can quickly get a glimpse of himself and make sure he’s okay!
Have Some Grace with Him
Women can do so much to our appearances. We can change the colour and style of our hair. I’ve gone blonde, red, brown, long, short, everything! We can change the make-up that we wear. But men can really only do one thing: experiment with facial hair. And so I think we have to give them the grace to do that every now and then.
I honestly liked his goatee better in terms of how Keith looks. But he LOVES the beard. And so I’ve just decided to bless him with that.
5 Tips from Wives of Bearded Men
I asked on my Facebook Page for some other tips, and here are just a few good ones (I love my Facebook Page members! They’re so helpful! You can join, too…)
1: Let him know what you like!
“Make sure he cuts his mustache so you get just lip and not a mouthful of hair when kissing. Get him some beard oil or beard balm in a scent you like! Help him by trimming it, or letting him know how long you like it (I like his LONG)”
2: Give it some time
“Whiskers can be really scratchy when they are short. If he is just beginning to grow it, give it a little more time. If he just maintains it short, ask if he’d be willing to let it grow a little longer so it’s less scratchy to you.”
3: Give it a chance!
“I was so against my husband growing a beard. He did it anyway. And it was HOT. It was a huge turn on and I’m not even sure why. But.. He just shaved it off. I miss it now. So, you know, be open minded. You might like it more than you think.”
4: Decide if this is a battle worth pursuing
“I totally agree with readers who have recommended beard balms and oil, as well as proper trimming around the lips. My hub has a goatee/moustache and I love it. If you just don’t like it, speak to your hubby about it and find middle ground if possible. At the end of it all, pray about it and ask God to change you if your hubby truly desires this. It is his body. Everything doesn’t have to be a thing.”
5: Try a middle-ground for sensitive skin
“My husband chooses not to grow a beard because he’s got super patchy facial hair. However we discovered early on that it was better for him to keep it super short rather than a 5 o’clock shadow. This is because I have super sensitive skin and if it had any length to it at all, my face would break out and get pimples and really itchy. And then we had matching goatees… Which wasn’t a very attractive thing. So he made sure to keep it short. And now he asks whether it’s too long or not to avoid hurting me.”
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Ummm. Beards are kind of awesome, so I can’t relate to hating them but I do hate my husband’s baseball hat. He wears it basically all the time and it drives me crazy. I want to burn it! You know, if I could ever rip it off his head.
My husband has a beard. It’s not my favorite, but I want him to have the choice to do his own style.
I’ve never heard of beard oil. I think it could help though. However, one of the things my husband does to help with kissing is how he positions his lips when we kiss. He puckers in such a way that I’m kissing lips and not hair. It is really important to keep the hair short on the top lip too, otherwise, the hairs go up my nose when we kiss.
I love love love a well groomed beard on a man. Ironically, I hate goatees and moustaches depend on the man and the style. But beards? LOVE THEM! My husband’s beard hinders nothing in our marriage bed, and on those very very rare occasions he is willing to give me oral, those whiskers add a whole other sensation that is marvelous!
Are the answers sort of parallel to how a wife reacts when her husbands would like her to trim/shave her lower area? Does the wife get to have her preference in both cases? (I’m smiling, before you get angry.)
I say so, within reason. Some women get terrible rashes from shaving their bikini area. Waxing is expensive (and painful). I use an epilator which I LOVE but not everyone can tolerate the pain. I absolutely take my husband’s preferences into account about hair removal.
I do think that men should be willing to give it a go themselves, though. Take a razor blade down there or an epilator so you are fully aware of what you’re asking for.
Haha! I think the hygiene aspect, completely–women, if you expect your men to have a not disgusting beard, please keep yourself clean, too. But I agree with what Lisa said–many women are very sensitive down there and it can be very painful and very expensive, whereas shaving a man’s face doesn’t have that problem. And a lot of men don’t understand the torment many women face at the idea of doing anything to the hair “down there”.
We use a body trimmer. That way you can decide how long or short you want to trim. We both discuss all hair – how long/short he’d like my hair on my head when I go to the hair dressers, how I like his facial hair and how we like the other to be groomed below. I guess we just both enjoy taking into consideration what turns each other on. ☺ We also give space when we see the other needs some grace (sickness, busyness, toddler being an extra handful. ….)
Interesting post, considering that 3 1/2 weeks ago, my husband shaved his beard off and I HATE IT. He’d had it for most of the last 20 years. I don’t remember having any trouble at all getting used to it (nor having any thoughts in the three years before that of wishing he had one), but I’m having a horrible time now. I couldn’t even look at him for the first couple of weeks, because every time I did, he looked like his father (who died 12 years ago) and that totally creeped me out. Now he’s growing part of it back, and it’s pokey and awful and only grey (it was lots of mixed colors before he shaved, but did admittedly have a lot of grey–now it ONLY has grey), and it’s worse because he’s letting it (well, part of it) grow back for me, but I’m still miserable.
Basically, I need to do your suggestion number 4, and just pray about it and ask God to change ME, and have it not “be a thing.” But the last 3 1/2 weeks have seriously been the worst ones in our marriage (for me, anyway), except for the month I sulked after a surprise party I begged him not to give me, 17 years ago…
(And just to cut off my nose to spite my face…I cut off my hair to spite his face. He prefers my hair long, I have no particular opinion, except that I’m stingy and would rather not pay to have it cut, and long is easier. So the day after he shaved off his beard, I got my hair cut. And now the weather is getting hot and I can’t even put it in a ponytail. One would think I were four years old rather than 46 years old…)
I have never kissed anything but a beard! My husband is the only man I have ever romantically kissed and he had a beard before I met him. In fact I have never seen his whole face in person (only in pictures)! My grandfather had a full beard and my dad had a full beard all my growing up years, so I never really had much experience with clean-shaven men. It can be scratchy if it’s too long but as long as he keeps the mustache trimmed everything is fine. I’ve told him that I would cry if he ever shaved! He is very tall, his face is long but he has a short chin, so the beard balances his face very well.
Today’s my 18th Wedding Anniversary. My husband has a goatee & moustache. When we married, he had neither, I’m sorry but kissing him feels like I’m kissing a porcupine. His facial hair is coarse, wiry & I just don’t care for it. I felt like my lips were being injected with a needle.
I’ve told him this many times to no avail. He’s not the kind of guy who’s gonna go the xtra mile & use beard oil or cream. Shrug…..
Maybe growing it out may help, actually! Beard oil can only do so much if you naturally have coarse hair–when Connor’s is super short it’s like getting bad acupuncture on my face! But after a few more weeks it’s long enough that it isn’t prickly anymore. Maybe trying asking if he can grow it a bit longer?
Hope you guys find a solution, Kelly!!
A goatee or a full beard is so much more attractive than a mustache alone.
Kissing a beard is a wonderful feeling. I love a beard rather than a clean shave.
My husband grew a beard 11 years ago when he had dangerously low platelets and couldn’t risk shaving. Once his platelets came back he kept it trimmed and nice looking. I had never liked beards before but it looked amazing on him! He only shaved it off once and has kept it ever since. If it was scraggly or dirty I wouldn’t be able to take it but he keeps his beard really nice and I’ve begged him to never shave it off again. Thankfully he likes it, too. I’ve never heard of beard oil. Sounds like a great father’s day gift!
However, if I truly disliked his beard, he would shave it off for me. I’m thankful we both like it. He loves my hair the way I wear it, long and all one length. If he didn’t, I would absolutely consider a different hair style.
I think that within the styles that we personally like, it’s wonderful to let our spouse choose. I would never wear clothing or a hair style I didn’t like but I’m happy to have him choose from among the styles I do like.
This is a great post, but it doesn’t seem to answer the lady’s question, as she seems to have tried all of these things (except maybe the beard oil) and still hates it. For me, my husband’s beard is not so much of an issue, I feel pretty nuetral about it, but those mustache hairs sometimes poke me in the nose right in the middle of a great kiss and then I pull away, and hubby feels like he did something wrong * sigh*. Otherwise, no complaints.
My husband has always had at least a goatee the 20 years we have been together, but in the last several years he has had a beard. It’s never bothered me either way when kissing him! But I will say with a goatee oral would be uncomfortable for me the next day from the prickly’s! And sometimes kissing too if there was a lot going on. But he enjoys giving oral and I have reached a place that it’s no longer uncomfortable to receive oral and have found I really do enjoy it! With the beard there is no prickly’s that causes pain afterwards!! So now he is not allowed to go back to the goatee or shave! I won’t let him! He teases he’s gonna shave, but we both know that’s not gonna happen! We both enjoy the benefits of having the beard around too much! ?
My husband grew a beard around the time I got pregnant with our first baby. Those beard oils so nauseated me I literally threw up every time he came near me. Instead of getting rid of the beard he actually spent quite a bit of money trying new oils and waxes to find one that I could tolerate. It seemed rather selfish of him to keep that beard (he also loved the attention) and I resented it at first but then after a few months I really ended up loving it! And like she said it gets much less scratchy the longer it gets too.
My husband grew a beard when i was pregnant with my daughter. It was crazy hot and i was miserable, and he grew a beard in solidarity, so he would be hot too. I know that sounds weird. He kept the beard until our daughter was a year old, and cut it a week before her birthday.
She didn’t like him as a baby, she preferred me. Around 11 months old, she started liking him. So he had this beard her whole life, finally started liking him, and one day, he shaved his entire beard off. Afterwards, he called for her and she went crawling to him, took one look at him, and crawled away screaming. He’s had at least a goatee ever since.
I prefer at least a goatee, but i like his beard to be short. After a certain point, it looks weird. But he’s had at least a goatee the 18+ years we’ve known each other, and i think he looks weird without it.
My uncle had a duck dynasty beware before they were cool. He made a comment about ladies liking the beard and i giggled. And he looked at me and said “you know what i mean!” then i blushed.
That’s definitely one thing. Haha I can imagine like there’s this wedding caterers and the beard just touches all that is being served – that’d be hilarious. Thank you for sharing this! 🙂
I think the issue, to me, is a matter of relationship. If this wife no longer finds her husband attractive with facial hair, he should shave – regardless of the “attention” it gets him from other quarters. If a woman stopped shaving her legs or arm pits, and her husband was turned off by it, everyone would advise her to shave out of love for her husband. The same issue applies to me. Once my husband told me that he was going to grow his hair out, and did grow it longer. I very truthfully told him that, while it was his body, I don’t find longer hair AT ALL attractive on a man. It was his choice, but he eventually cut it and I now compliment his looks all the time. Each person in the marriage should strive to groom and present themselves in a way that is pleasing to God and their spouse.
Oil does wonders for my facial hair. My wife makes me try out different types of oils but my favorite is rose hip seed oil. It really softens them stubbles!
Being a bearded man, I really enjoyed this article. Well done.
This is such a good topic! I can definitely relate to this. My partner prefers more of a short stubble look, but if he lets it go for an extra few of days I’ll definitely start to notice. Might be time to invest in some beard oil!
Well, i really liked this article and the tips on how men can maintain their beard and especially the tips for wives of bearded men. 🙂
A fantastic article, I love the advice about beard oil, it really makes all the difference, beard balm can also be used to give your fellas beard an all day softening.
I know my other half knows when I forget to apply my beard oil, apparently it’s like kissing a spikey cactus.
other things that you can do, that my other half testifies to is keeping the mustache trimmed, and brushing everyday with a good quality beard comb, it surprised me just how much a comb will soften your beard.
Once again thank you for the article!