The average age of a gamer is now 31.
Ten years ago that was not the case. But as video games are becoming a part of more and more teens and children’s lives, we’re just going to see video games become a bigger part of adulthood, too. So it makes sense that I’m getting more and more emails and comments from women frustrated that their husbands play too many video games.
I’ve written in the past about steps you can take if your husband plays too many video games, but we haven’t talked much about how to help prevent unhealthy gaming habits in the first place. My daughter Rebecca is handling this one today, as her husband is a gamer and I thought the two of them could add some helpful insight into this conversation!
Here’s Becca!
My husband is a gamer.
He loves it. When we were dating he lived with a bunch of other guys who all gamed, too. They all shared Connor’s PS3 and had a bunch of games for the house and it was a lot of fun. Now that Connor’s moved out, they still play online together.
Something that I’m grateful about Connor, though, is that gaming isn’t a problem for him. When he was in university, he studied, got his work done, and gamed during his breaks. Now that he’s working full-time, he gets up early, goes to work, comes home and then turns on the console. He doesn’t let it control his life.
That’s not always the case with men, though. And often the problem starts in high school. So what can parents do to help their kids have a healthy relationship with gaming? Here are three things to keep in mind:
Understand WHY Kids Like Gaming, and Use it to Your Advantage!
A problem that I had when we got married was understanding that gaming is not bad. I’m not much of a gamer. I have a few games that I like and can play for hours on end, but for the most part I’m a knitting and Netflix kind of gal. So when I saw Connor choosing to play video games in his free time, I tended to think, if I’m honest, that it was immature.
But I needed a serious reality-check.
Like I said, Connor wasn’t being immature about gaming at all. He gamed after he got the important stuff done. He just liked video games! And he liked them for good reason, too. He explained to me that with a good game, you get engrossed in the story-line. You have goals to complete, it’s exciting, it gets your blood pumping, and you feel like you’re really accomplishing something, even if it’s only in that game’s universe. And to me, that makes a lot of sense. To be honest, that’s a lot of the reason I knit! (Ok, maybe not the blood-pumping part.)
If you’re worried about your child playing too many video games, I urge you to ask yourself these two questions:
- Is this hindering his life? Is it getting in the way of school/friends/work?
- If no, am I worried about this for another legitimate reason, or just because I don’t understand it?Or put it this way:
If he were spending this much time doing some other leisure task (watching Netflix, listening to music), would I be concerned?
Understand that people like video games for a reason. You might not understand it, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a legitimate thing to enjoy. So instead of trying to stop him from liking video games (which is extremely unlikely to happen anyway), start using his enjoyment of games to your advantage.
Here’s what my husband said about helping a teenager who loves video games learn some responsibility:
People like concrete, visible achievements. It feels good–you get a medal. If you can set up tasks that they need to accomplish in a way that there’s achievement and rewards, you’re shaping their life in the way that they personally find gratifying.
In the workplace, I have a stack of papers that I need to get through. Every single paper that I do is one paper closer to that stack being gone. I can watch the stack disappearing before my eyes. That’s a concrete achievement-oriented task. The kind of stuff I hated growing up was knowing that my parents could call me out of what I was doing to do a house chore without knowing if there was anything else that was coming next. What worked, though, was having a checklist that I could power through. If my mom came to me and said, “here’s everything that needs to get done today” I didn’t mind. Again–it was a concrete, achievable goal-oriented task.
If your kid loves video games and you’re concerned he’s not taking any real responsibility in his life because of it, use progress checking like what Connor said to help teach him responsibility and the importance of getting work done. Progress checking teaches kids how to make their lives more goal-oriented on their own, as well.
Teaching them how to find a finish line that they can work towards will help them both become responsible adults and find meaning in even mundane tasks.
Keep Gaming Console in a Public Place–including laptops!
If you’re worried about how much time your kid spends playing video games, the first thing to do is to put all gaming items into a public place. For my husband’s family, the gaming console was in the living room. Connor’s mom could call out, “Hey, you’ve been gaming for over an hour now. It’s time to turn it off,” and Connor couldn’t exactly sneak in more gaming time without his mom knowing.
Keeping laptops, computers, and gaming consoles in a family communal area lets you know what your kids are doing and when they are doing it. Having a family desktop computer instead of multiple personal laptops may help with this, as well. It adds some accountability, as teenagers aren’t always the best at self-regulating, and also keeps you involved so that you can monitor their gaming use to make sure there’s nothing overly graphic or inappropriate going on in the games your kids are playing, too.
Watch How You Spend Your Time
What I’ve seen in a lot of families is the parents are angry and in arms about video game usage is that their family often wastes a lot of time–just not on video games. If you’re mad at your kids for playing five hours of video games straight, but then you watch 5 hours of Netflix on a Saturday, that can seem pretty hypocritical to a kid. Harsh, I know, but it’s a conversation I’ve had with lots of friends. It’s also one that Connor and I had to have–he pointed out that it was unfair for me to get mad at him for playing video games for less time than I spent on Instagram, Pinterest, Netflix, and Facebook in a day. Sure, I may have been on four sites, but we spent the same amount of time goofing off. And he was right!
So what I suggest is to talk with your kids. Explain “I’m worried about the patterns of time use in this family. I’m worried that how much time you’re spending on video games is going to make it harder later in life for you to be able to do well in college/get a job/have a good marriage, and I’m worried that I’m spending too much time goofing off in unhelpful ways, too. I would like it if both of us got to be more productive with our lives, and here’s how I’m going to start.” Then set boundaries together to figure out what’s a reasonable amount of time for your kid to be spending gaming.
Like with everything I write, I just want to urge you, as parents, to understand your teenagers are people, too. Don’t just brush them off as kids–really talk to them. Explain your concerns. Explain that you want him to be the kind of guy who is ready to take care of a family someday, but right now he isn’t taking care of himself because of how much he’s gaming. That’s an OK thing to say to a teenager–it’s treating them with respect. Say it with grace and love, of course, but don’t be afraid to treat them like an adult. They’re becoming one quickly anyway.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I love this! We are not quite there yet (kids are both under 3) but my husband and I both enjoy gaming, and it’s nice to get some advice for when our kids do get interested in doing it themselves that is understanding towards gaming ? Thanks!
No problem! 🙂 Gaming has been vilified a lot on marriage blogs that are written by women, I think, so I wanted to just put something out there that was more gaming-friendly. best of luck with the little ones!!
My 13 year old son LIVES on his XboxOne. It hasn’t affected his grades in any way. I personally think he spends too much time on it. But in my neighborhood there’s not a lot for these kids to do. Especially in the summertime once school lets out for the year .
My 42-year-old brother doesn’t help much either. Because he is a gamer himself and he communicates/plays Xbox one with my son through Xbox live . Sheesh. And did I mention that my brother just also happens to be a teacher? Sigh….
It’s nice that your brother can look out for your son on the game and make sure nothing inappropriate is going on.
My husband uses it as a way to unwind. He works outside, our hobbies are outside activities, and we live in the south (US). So when we get home from work, he spends a little time in the AC unwinding, and then we go outside. He is re-energized, he limits his time on the computer, and I don’t feel at all neglected.
Thanks. Yes, games are awesome. I’m actually the gamer in the house.
It’s not just that you get visible achievements. You get achievements, you get awesome gear, you get extra skills that helps you become more powerful. Most story based games has a saving the world element (some are just awful and depraved like Grand Theft auto). In RPG’s like WoW and the Elder Scrolls series (Morrowind, Oblivion, Skyrim) you get to where you can jump about 3/4 times your characters height. You can run across the whole world without getting tired. Right now in a Morrowind I’m basically immortal and I can kill most monsters with a single arrow. I have more gold than I can ever spend. It’s a really nice feeling. Especially when you are financially restricted, have a job (or school) where you are not appreciated and where most of your natural tendencies (for boys, wrestling, jumping, climbing, being active out of doors) in general is strongly discouraged.
You should keep your kids from wasting their time. Giving them chores and making them understand that they are a part of the household and therefore expected to contribute from a young age should help. And keeping the computer in a central place is a good idea for other reasons as well. Some games are really graphic and not morally sound.
It’s far better to institute a replacement or alternative before limiting the activity you’re trying to reduce. Have a family meeting and create a family bucket list of everything you want to do that season and make it happen. You can’t be gaming when you’re hiking, at the water park, at the beach, etc.
Another issue with gaming is that screen time (including tv and computer use) is hard on the eyes and melatonin production. It can interfere with your sleep. Gamers are also more likely to to have weight problems than people who are less sedentary.
It’s also very easy to escape into gaming (or Netflix or the internet) as a way to avoid working through difficulties.
So we talk about the importance of balance while still allowing them to make choices.
Regarding adults, I can think of two marriages that ended due to affairs that started out in WoW (World of Warcraft). What started out as chatting during their most favorite activity– turned into an emotional affair–which led to lying about “business trips”– which led to divorce and marrying the affair partner. Both marriages had children. Some games are more addictive than others and WoW is definitely in the high risk category.
Late night gaming, lying about how much time is spent gaming, and addictive behaviors are important and shouldn’t be ignored.
I agree, Lisa–there are a lot of dangers. But I don’t think that gaming is bad in and of itself. I can think of a lot more affairs that started because of cell phones! We don’t ban cell phones! 🙂
But I agree–and I think that teens and grown ups need to be told about the health dangers such as vision problems and sleep disruption issues. So definitely don’t ignore warning signs–but the vast majority of gamers aren’t going to fall under the “addicted” category, so I wanted to write a post for them, too 🙂
Mhhh..i never thought about it this way, Rebecca. My husband has a favorite game he plays on his phone. And its been easy for me to think he spends too much time on it but the truth is that I just don’t think very highly of video games. When I compare his “gaming” (which is actually not much!) with my own “winding down” habits, I see how I let myself off the hook more easily. Thanks for this!
My husband works in video game development, but is really great at limiting his (and our kids) time actually playing the games at home. I appreciate that you aren’t taking the stance of simply bashing video games – they aren’t all bad! Like everything else in life, it’s how you use them!
What I have found very fascinating is that my husband’s co-workers also have very similar rules about how much time their kids are allowed to play games and have screen time. For as much as these people are passionate about making great games, they recognize there needs to be a balance and are also very aware of the ratings of games for kids. It’s strange to me how many parents don’t seem to mind which game their child is playing, just about how much time they spend. Sit down with your kids while they are playing and find out if the game is appropriate and why they love what they’re playing. Parents might find the kids games can be really fun and create teamwork and other great life-skills.
What would you say is fair game time (as in amount of time allowed per day) for a 16 year old boy ?