I’ve written so much about this it’s hard to sum it up in just one post. But I’m going to try!
Have you ever heard it said that men are like microwaves and women are like slow cookers? I think what they mean is that men heat up quickly, while women take longer to “get in the mood“.
I don’t buy it.
That analogy assumes that, given enough time, a woman WILL always get in the mood. And that’s not true for one simple reason: for women, sex is almost entirely in our heads. If our heads aren’t in the game, our bodies won’t follow. So what we think about sex has a tremendous influence on how much we enjoy our sex lives.
And one thing I found when writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex is that many of us feel awfully defeated when it comes to sex. I know I did in the first few years of our marriage. It didn’t feel very wonderful, he wanted it all the time, and I was always inadequate. It seemed like a big rip off to women for me.
What I didn’t understand was how wonderfully intimate it is when you are able to make love, and not just have sex.
That’s hard to do if you’re seeing sex in a negative way. So let me encourage you here this morning. So many women give up at sex because it seems like too much hassle. Or it doesn’t work well. Or they just feel inadequate.
But if God created sex to be something beautiful and fulfilling and intimate for you, why would you deprive yourself of that? Don’t let personal doubts and condemnations stop you from experiencing all that God has for you!
You can’t revive your sex life if you’re feeling like a failure.
So we need to confront these feelings honestly, and put these doubts and fears behind us. So let me assure you, as firmly as I can, that:
You are not a failure if sex doesn’t feel that wonderful to you.
Women do have a harder time becoming aroused than men do, and it takes more work to figure out how to make it feel good. In the surveys I did for my book, the best years for sexual satisfaction are years 16-20 of marriage. Sometimes it takes a while to get it right! So if it’s not feeling that great, that’s okay. Just take that as a challenge to start a fun research project with your husband!
You are not a failure if you’re packing some extra pounds.
Not even supermodels look like supermodels–they’re all air brushed! No, you may not have a perfect body, but your body is the only one that your husband is allowed to enjoy. And your body is the vehicle that God has given you to enjoy sex with. Don’t let your own insecurities rob you and your husband of passion. If he wants you, then you’re desirable, and you’re beautiful, no matter what you may think of yourself.
You are not a failure if your husband uses porn.
That doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Most men are really tempted by this.
You are not a failure if you started out marriage with sexual baggage.
Most Christian women did. Fewer than 40% of Christian women were virgins when they were married (according to the surveys I did). Yes, you didn’t live up to God’s plan. But your purity is not based on what you did with your body; your purity is based on what Jesus did with His. And now you and your husband are one flesh, new creations in God’s sight. Don’t let your past rob you of your present.
You are not even a failure if you don’t like sex very much!
A lot of women wonder what all the fuss is about. Wondering if it is really so great is nothing bad; but letting that belief stop you from embracing it, or from trying to discover how to truly enjoy making love, is.
You are not a failure if your sex drive is much lower than your husband’s.
It doesn’t mean that you’ll never be enough for him. It doesn’t mean that you’ll always be in conflict over this. It just means that you need to understand each other more. (And one more hint: when you understand the nature of a woman’s sex drive, you’ll see that we normally aren’t that turned on until we start making love. So go in with a good attitude, even if you don’t feel particularly sexy, and your body will usually follow!).
Need more help with this one? Check out my Boost Your Libido course!
And finally, you are not a failure if your husband has a low sex drive.
This doesn’t mean that you aren’t desirable. It just means that he has some issues with his libido, but God is big enough even for those.
So don’t let these thoughts defeat you! Your marriage is worth so much more than that. Instead, just see sex as something beautiful that God made for both of you, and then start an action plan for how you’re going to get it “great”! Two good places to start:
- The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex
- 29 Days to Great Sex (my series that I wrote!)
Start thinking positive thoughts about sex, instead of negative ones, and it can change the whole dynamic of your sex life, and your marriage.
Have you ever felt like a failure in the sex department? What helped you out of that rut? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
The first couple years in my marriage I was horribly upset by my husband having a lower libido. Then I figured out that while books and TV portrayed guys as always ready to go, my husband was a lot like me.
Sometimes guys need to be wooed, seduced, and be in the right mindset too!
Hi Roselle, that sounds a lot like my marriage. What has worked for you?
I feel like a failure with our sex life when I work constantly to get my head in the game, so my husband and I can have more sex, which we end up doing, but then feeling like it isn’t enough for him. I know on his end, he is attracted to me and desires me, but on my end I end up feeling used and defeated. Like if we have sex early in the day, then I ask him (and look forward to) a night with my primary love language, cuddles and maybe a footrub with no pressure for sex, but then he gets frustrated and dissapointed when we get to that point because i dont want sex to be a part of it, I just want to relax my way. He says he is so attracted to me and I turn him on all day and he can’t help but be disappointed if nothing happens. Maybe that is selfish of me to want to completely rule out sex that day after we have already done it. I recently worked on changing my mindset on not thinking of sex or oral (for him) as a chore, and trying to think of it as enjoyment for both of us, and an improvement for our marriage. But I still revert to that when I feel that my husband is wanting more than once a day, or every single day with no time for my primary love language (snuggles with no pressure forgot to lead to sex). Even with oral, TMI, he gets it more than ever lagely, at least 2 or 3x a week, not including the days 2 to 4 times a week we have sex, but I still get mad that he asks me for it (on the days I just want to cuddle and do nothing sexual). He doesn’t get mad when I say no, but dissapointed, which makes me mad. I don’t want to feel forced, with any of it. But don’t know how to enjoy it when I feel like a failure when I disappoint him for not wanting it sometimes. Advice?
Have you told him everything, exactly as you wrote it here?
Hi Michelle. I just want you to know you aren’t alone. I love my husband with fiery passion, even after 20 years of marriage. But that passion doesn’t show up in bed. I have never liked sex and have gone so far as to seek counseling because I feel like I have a disorder. Anyhow, I think you should have a really long heart to heart with your husband and tell him exactly how you feel–that you NEED some time with him with NO PRESSURE to have sex. Once I explained that to my husband, he was very understanding and now we make dates to have no pressure cuddle sessions. No man needs sex twice in one day and your husband is being the selfish one here. I doubt he trying to hurt you in any way, but he needs to be told to be more considerate. Men need us to tell us what we need from them. They can’t read our minds and they can’t be expected to know what is selfish and what isn’t without an explanation.
You know what’s interesting to me, after almost 21 years of marriage and talking with other married women?
If our husbands aren’t sexually satisfied, we think there’s something wrong with us or with our performance.
If we aren’t having wildly pleasurable sex, we think there’s something wrong with us or with our performance.
Why do we think sexual satisfaction falls completely on us? One of the best things I did was to, very bluntly, tell my husband that certain things he did to try and get me there had absolutely no effect. It actually took him awhile to believe me, which is strange but true. He thought that it should feel good therefore it must.
The mutual aspect of sex means that we both have to do our part. Blunt conversations and willingness to learn.
Married 30+ years now, it was 15 years before God freed me to enjoy sex with my husband. Up to that point I, like so many others, tried hard to be engaged for my husband’s sake. But there was something I couldn’t shake that kept sex from being the passionate kind of fun he wanted us to share.
I’d like to address a couple of issues: firstly the idea of “getting our heads around the game,” and secondly how we may begin to approach the idea of male and female drives with our husbands. I think it’s vital to come to terms with these two issues to embrace our sexuality. Romans 12:2 says to “renew our minds, ” and I think sex is an area that we desperately need help. So many of us ladies want to think differently but struggle to do so. And it’s probably true of men too.
For me to heal sexually, I needed God to show me that He values the act of sex in the same way He values Communion and baptism. These are physical actions that represent spiritual truths. Communion: we receive Christ’s body and blood, sacrificed on our behalf. Baptism: we are buried with Him, resurrected and have eternal life, because of Him. I believe sex also holds significant spiritual symbolism that will take a couple of paragraphs to demonstrate.
Very few people consider sex a covenantal act. But no one denies that marriage is a covenant and Christians view it as a “Holy Covenant.” Jewish tradition required confirmation for a marriage to be recognized, and even the Catholic church and most conservative Christian churches would consider unconsummated marriages null. Sex is the act which consummates a marriage. In every community I know of, when the marriage is over, the right to sex is removed. But let me give more substance to this symbolism. Ephesians 5:31-32, says, “…. and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.”
God renewed my mind and freed me to move beyond my hangups when I came to believe that God values the sexual act as something sacred, and as holy as Communion, that demonstrates something about Him. Sex is a symbolic act to celebrate the renewed relationship you and I have with Jesus, it celebrates life, and even Jesus’ gift of righteousness. The passion of Christ laid down His life for the church. Husbands and wives are privileged to do the same for one another. And that brings us to the second issue.
No two individuals, especially husband’s and wives, are passionately driven in the same way. My husband is instructed to lay down his drive for me (Eph. 5:25), and I am to lay down my agenda as well (Eph. 5:22). We are fellow heirs with our spouse (1 Peter 3:7) and were created with passionate drives that are equal in intensity though focused very differently. My emotional needs are a 24/7 kind of thing. And my husband’s physical needs are a 24/7 kind of thing. Every couples’ passionate needs are unique and look different. But the principle remains the same: His needs are unrelenting and draining to me when my needs aren’t met. IN THE SAME WAY, my needs are unrelenting and draining to him, when his needs aren’t met. For both of our needs to be satisfied, we both need to prioritize the other’s needs first. If either of us fails to prioritize the other, the personal disregard is draining, to say the least. Unattended, driving needs lead to dysfunction and neglect that could be considered abusive. By God’s design passionate needs can only be met by our spouse. I am emotionally driven, with an intensity that equals my husband’s physical drive. We best reflect Christ and the church when we celebrate our differences and passionately enjoy the mutual subjection of an “other first” relationship, even in bed.
As Michelle pointed out, our husbands don’t always embrace this “other first” idea. What then? Firstly, if your husband wants to honor God, I would appeal to him to recognize that your emotional needs are equal in intensity to his physical needs. He may have a hard time imagining that is true. But don’t back down on this, you know it’s true. Be patient, but speak the truth in a way that is loving. Then, as you speak the truth, meet his needs, so he has the mental capacity to process the truth. Do it as a celebration! …of life, …love, and the unity you have with Jesus because of all He did for you. (Ephesians 2:4-10) If your husband isn’t concerned about whether he honors God or not, I encourage you firstly, find another woman who will be a sounding board to support you in this area. You need someone to share your burden. Then, do as I shared above. Speak truth, and be there as best you are able. 1 Corinthians 7:12-17 indicates that God will honor that relationship as long as there is a willingness from both of you to stay together. And 1 Peter 3:1 indicates that “he may be won.” There’s no way to know how long that will take. Understanding is a process of loving communication. But when you and your husband begin to understand each other’s needs and mutually honor God by coming together for the other, the change He creates is amazing! And hasn’t faded, for me, in 15 years! In fact, it’s gotten so much better!
Carlene, what you have written makes so much sense! I do have emotional needs, ones that I have been trying to work out thoughout our marriage; we have been married for 12 years. We married late; I was 47 with a 19 yo daughter, who was in her second year university and lived with us, as did my younger brother. We had challenges, most trouble than most couples have in 20 yrs of marriage and as a result, my side of the family do not like my husband and vice-versa. He cannot even have contact with my grandbabies; I have two girls and one boy is on the way in August. My hubby does not understand that I need to spend time with them and he is not allowed to go with me. So I carry emotional baggage. My husband has an extremely high sex drive that I feel I cannot meet. It made total sense to me when you said about the 24/7 emotional; 24/7 physical. That is where we are. My husband has been extremely understanding about the emotional, but there are areas there where he lacks, not that he is not a good husband. I lack in the physical, because at 47 yrs of age, I had to have an emergency hysterectomy I was not ready for and it threw me into the change of life. So there we are; two people in love but not sexually compatible. I am going to work on the Biblical factor so maybe I can keep my marriage intact. Thank you so much for your advice.
Definitely needed this today! After 10 years of marriage, 3 kids, and just life this is something that I have struggled with from time to time. I am just starting to realize that it all starts in my head and that’s where I have address whatever my hang up is at that time.
This is basically a constant struggle for me. After almost 14 years of marriage, I feel like I have messed up everything possible. And now it feels like any efforts I make are not enough.
In sexual terms, I agreed with the fact that men are like microwaves and women are like slow cookers. It is just because the sexual needs of men are quite high in comparison to women in the beginning, but when we boost the sexual needs of women we found some gear up for their sexual needs. In most of the cases, this strategy is completely responsible for the failure of sexual life; therefore, we need to perform better and take suggestions from experts regarding this. Thanks for such wonderful instructions.
I hate sex. It has always been a huge waste of time for me. Most of the time it hurts me because my husband is rather large in size. Most of the time I pull my own hair severely because it hurts less to pull my hair than the sex does but it takes the focus of the painful intercouse and helps me to place it on my hair pulling. Most of the time I cry because I experience pain well after the sex is over. I have seen a doctor on several occasions and they tell me there is nothing physically wrong with me. I never have any warming sensations nor do I ever want or have a desire to have sex. I’ve tried talking to my husband for 6 years now and the only time he mentions me having an orgasm is when its over for him. I have never had an orgasm vaginally, and I doubt I ever will. The only thing on my mind when he brings it up is “oh no I have to do that chore tonight and dread it all evening. I even wait about going to bed hoping that he has fallen asleep when I do get to bed. I know this is a terrible situation but it is my reality.
Oh, Beverly, I’m so sorry! But let me assure you: this is not normal, and it likely means that you’re suffering from a condition called vaginismus. It is treatable. You should not have to go through this! You can see some posts I’ve written about vaginismus here. Also, many physiotherapists who specialize in pelvic floor issues can really help with this. Please don’t settle for this! Many women do get over it, and you shouldn’t have to have pain like this.