I’ve written so much about this it’s hard to sum it up in just one post. But I’m going to try!
Have you ever heard it said that men are like microwaves and women are like slow cookers? I think what they mean is that men heat up quickly, while women take longer to “get in the mood“.
I don’t buy it.
That analogy assumes that, given enough time, a woman WILL always get in the mood. And that’s not true for one simple reason: for women, sex is almost entirely in our heads. If our heads aren’t in the game, our bodies won’t follow. So what we think about sex has a tremendous influence on how much we enjoy our sex lives.
And one thing I found when writing The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex is that many of us feel awfully defeated when it comes to sex. I know I did in the first few years of our marriage. It didn’t feel very wonderful, he wanted it all the time, and I was always inadequate. It seemed like a big rip off to women for me.
What I didn’t understand was how wonderfully intimate it is when you are able to make love, and not just have sex.
That’s hard to do if you’re seeing sex in a negative way. So let me encourage you here this morning. So many women give up at sex because it seems like too much hassle. Or it doesn’t work well. Or they just feel inadequate.
But if God created sex to be something beautiful and fulfilling and intimate for you, why would you deprive yourself of that? Don’t let personal doubts and condemnations stop you from experiencing all that God has for you!
You can’t revive your sex life if you’re feeling like a failure.
So we need to confront these feelings honestly, and put these doubts and fears behind us. So let me assure you, as firmly as I can, that:
You are not a failure if sex doesn’t feel that wonderful to you.
Women do have a harder time becoming aroused than men do, and it takes more work to figure out how to make it feel good. In the surveys I did for my book, the best years for sexual satisfaction are years 16-20 of marriage. Sometimes it takes a while to get it right! So if it’s not feeling that great, that’s okay. Just take that as a challenge to start a fun research project with your husband!
You are not a failure if you’re packing some extra pounds.
Not even supermodels look like supermodels–they’re all air brushed! No, you may not have a perfect body, but your body is the only one that your husband is allowed to enjoy. And your body is the vehicle that God has given you to enjoy sex with. Don’t let your own insecurities rob you and your husband of passion. If he wants you, then you’re desirable, and you’re beautiful, no matter what you may think of yourself.
You are not a failure if your husband uses porn.
That doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. Most men are really tempted by this.
You are not a failure if you started out marriage with sexual baggage.
Most Christian women did. Fewer than 40% of Christian women were virgins when they were married (according to the surveys I did). Yes, you didn’t live up to God’s plan. But your purity is not based on what you did with your body; your purity is based on what Jesus did with His. And now you and your husband are one flesh, new creations in God’s sight. Don’t let your past rob you of your present.
You are not even a failure if you don’t like sex very much!
A lot of women wonder what all the fuss is about. Wondering if it is really so great is nothing bad; but letting that belief stop you from embracing it, or from trying to discover how to truly enjoy making love, is.
You are not a failure if your sex drive is much lower than your husband’s.
It doesn’t mean that you’ll never be enough for him. It doesn’t mean that you’ll always be in conflict over this. It just means that you need to understand each other more. (And one more hint: when you understand the nature of a woman’s sex drive, you’ll see that we normally aren’t that turned on until we start making love. So go in with a good attitude, even if you don’t feel particularly sexy, and your body will usually follow!).
Need more help with this one? Check out my Boost Your Libido course!
And finally, you are not a failure if your husband has a low sex drive.
This doesn’t mean that you aren’t desirable. It just means that he has some issues with his libido, but God is big enough even for those.
So don’t let these thoughts defeat you! Your marriage is worth so much more than that. Instead, just see sex as something beautiful that God made for both of you, and then start an action plan for how you’re going to get it “great”! Two good places to start:
Start thinking positive thoughts about sex, instead of negative ones, and it can change the whole dynamic of your sex life, and your marriage.
Have you ever felt like a failure in the sex department? What helped you out of that rut? Let’s talk in the comments!