I have gotten virtually no work done for the last two days.
I’ve been riveted by the United Airlines story that I’m sure you’ve all heard about–when the Aviation Security Guards in Chicago forcibly and violently dragged a 69-year-old male physician from a plane, all bloodied, because he didn’t want to give up his rightly paid for seat, where he had already been seated, so that United employees could fly to Louisville.
I’ve been reading all the memes (some of them are REALLY funny!); reading the commentary; scrutinizing the CEO’s statements.
And at first I thought that I was riveted because I identified so much with the doctor.
My family and I fly a lot; and we’ve been bumped. We’ve been seated in airplanes that had to be emptied out because they decided they needed it elsewhere. I’ve even taken that $400 or $800 voucher a few times.
And I’ve found that airline employees are some of the rudest people on earth. When your flight is cancelled because of the fault of the airline, do they apologize? Do they walk up and down the line of customers trying to keep you informed of what’s going on? Do they give you free food and a comfortable place to sit? Do they bring in more staff to help with the problem?
Nope. They make you stand in a tremendously long line with all of the other hundreds of people on your flight for several hours as the two people at the ticket counter shrug, saying, “It’s not my fault,” and work at the pace of molasses to rebook everyone.
I don’t take things like this very well. I get upset about the “principle of the thing” far too often, and I’ve actually led revolts of passengers on two separate plane trips–once in Minnesota with Air Canada when our flight was cancelled, but there was no one at the ticket counter doing anything, and hundreds of people standing around not knowing what was going on. I dragged out an employee, drilled him, and started making announcements to all the passengers myself. I became the spokesperson since Air Canada was saying nothing.
Then in Nairobi, Kenya, we were all at the gate when they announced that our plane would be eight hours late. That’s routine and acceptable, and wouldn’t be so bad, except that in Nairobi, once you’re in the gate there’s no access to washrooms or food or drink. So I made a huge stink and they brought us all some food and drink and every 15 minutes escorted anyone to the washroom who wanted to go.
So as I was watching the video of this poor man on United, I was texting my girls saying, “You know that would have been me. You know I would have refused to go just because of the principle of it.” And they both agreed.
But the more I think about it, the more I think that the real lesson here is that inside all of us there’s a little bit of United Airlines.
And that’s what I want to talk about today.
When we get focused on our agenda, we ruin relationships.
United Airlines had an agenda: get as much profit as possible. They needed those four flight crew in a different airport so that they could operate a plane; if they didn’t get there, a whole plane would have been disrupted. Better to disrupt four in Chicago than a whole plane load later.
All of us have agendas. Maybe it’s things we want our kids to do, or our boss, or even our husbands. We want things a certain way. And when we get focused on what we want, we often end up hurting those around us.
When we get focused on our agenda, we stop seeing the humanity in others.
Do you know why those four people (and especially that man) mattered more than the planeload of people at the other end? Because those four people are people, too. And people are not just numbers to use or numbers to crunch. They deserve respect.
Here’s what I’ve seen in marriage, though: when we get disappointed in our spouse, we stop seeing him as a person with needs and feelings and we start seeing him as an obstacle to our own happiness.
I’m thinking of one relationship I know where she is incensed that her husband works so much and often does double shifts and never helps with their kids (and they have a bunch under the age of 6). She’s super tired and really misses her old life when she could go out with friends and do fun things. So she’s constantly angry and on edge that everything is her responsibility. When he has to work on the weekend she complains to no end. And a few months ago, when he wanted to play golf on a Saturday, she almost had a conniption.
But what she’s not seeing is that he has needs, too. And the reason that he’s working so many double shifts is that she insisted she wanted to buy a bigger house, which they did, but that put them in debt. He didn’t think it was wise financially, but she really wanted it. He’s trying to keep her happy, but she doesn’t see it, because all she wants is time to herself. So every time he does something that takes him away–even if it’s for work–she gets angry. And that’s made him not want to be home.
She’s forgotten that he may have emotional needs, too. She doesn’t see how if she said “thank you” sometimes and asked how rough his day was and simply expressed how much she appreciates the house it could change the whole dynamic.
But she just doesn’t see it. She simply sees him as always wrong and a really bad father.
And the sad thing is that I know that women who do the same thing who are reading this article likely won’t even see themselves in this. When you are so focused on your agenda and you’re so sure you’re right you get an incredibly huge blind spot where you don’t see what you’re doing to other people.
That’s why Oscar Munoz (the CEO of United) committed that absolutely atrocious blunder in his original statement when he said, “I apologize for having to re-accommodate these passengers.” Re-accommodate?!? The internet’s having a field day with that. But Munoz didn’t even see how tone deaf that would seem because he’s caught up in his own agenda, and he’s incapable of viewing his passengers through any lens other than the profit one.
When you start seeing your husband only through the lens of what makes you happy, and not through what makes him tick, then you become the bad guy.
Do we really get this? Seriously, I have listened to a good friend of mine tell me everything that is wrong with her husband for years, but lately we had it out and I forced her to see that her husband was actually trying hard–she just wasn’t seeing it. And I think it finally hit her, that she’d been ungrateful for all of his efforts over the years to make her happy.
The reason they were in debt was not that he wasn’t good with money; it’s because she wanted a lot, and he couldn’t say no. And so she’s angry at him, when the fault was not his. And the longer this went on, the more sympathy I had for him. It’s not that he was perfect by any stretch of the imagination; but when you become completely oblivious to someone else’s feelings because you’re so sure you’re right, you often become a very hardened caricature of a person, exactly like Munoz. You may be great to everyone else, but not to him.
When we spend years focused on our agenda, we sometimes do terrible things we never dreamed we’d do
My son-in-law, after seeing that United video, made the comment, “why didn’t the outraged passengers just get in the aisle and block them from dragging off the guy?”
Here’s my theory: when you listen to the video, the passengers are shocked that this actually happened. Even though they had heard the crew try to get the man to leave the plane, and even though the security guards had boarded, no one actually believed that he would be dragged off like that.
Do you remember what happened with Flight 93 on September 11? (of course you do). The first three planeloads of people obeyed the hijackers, like they’d been told. But with Flight 93, the passengers and crew knew what had happened on the previous three planes, and it changed everything. So they decided to fight back.
I have a feeling that if ANY airline EVER called in security to remove a peaceful, law-abiding passenger again, the passengers would revolt. We’ve all seen what can happen now, so it’s become that possibility we never would have imagined before.
But it happened this time because physically dragging someone out of his seat was simply not contemplated by anyone. It’s too horrible to imagine.
When we become laser-like focused on our own agenda, though, we start to do things we could never have imagined ourselves doing. We become grumpy and surly. We become rude, and that’s just not who we are (I’ve heard spouses say such cutting things to each other that they would never dream of saying to anyone else. It’s not who they are; but their agenda has taken over, and they’ve become a different person with their spouse).
And I’ve seen people get into emotional and physical affairs, after never believing they’d be capable of that, because they’ve been so focused on how badly their spouse is treating them that they have no awareness of how badly they are treating their spouse.
The Bible calls it hardening your heart. Beware, because it can happen to anyone as soon as our agenda takes over. And if you fear that lately you’ve been hardening your heart towards your spouse, then that’s okay–because awareness is the first step to recovery. Pray that God will help you see clearly. Pray that you will be able to see your own shortcomings. Learn how to seek out the good in him and call it out. Become the kind of person you actually want to be again. And don’t let yourself become a caricature of the very thing you’re accusing your husband of being.
If you have trouble with this, my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage spends the first half on helping us do exactly that: get our own hearts right and make sure that we’re calling out the good in our spouse. It’s only when we’re doing that–when we’re honest with ourselves and when we’re treating him well, that we can even begin to address any other issues in the marriage well. And often when we start deliberately noticing the good, and deliberately thanking him, and deliberately taking responsibility for our own feelings, those other issues we thought we had fall by the wayside.
Don’t become United Airlines. Pick up 9 Thoughts and see how different your marriage can actually be!
Now, let me know in the comments: have you seen people absolutely oblivious to how bad they’re being in their marriage? Why do you think they were so oblivious? Let’s talk about it!
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Ugh. This was a much needed wake up call/slap in the face this morning. Thanks for being willing to call me (through your general audience) out on this. Hopefully I can change fast because change is hard.
Change is hard! Praying for you.
Wow! I really needed to read this! I’m guilty of this. I’m glad you called it what it is: hardening of my heart.
So glad it spoke to you today!
This is my 3rd attempt at writing a comment, but I’ll try. i think that there is so much pressure on women to be perfect. We’re expected to have perfect homes, perfect children with enough chores to be responsible but not enough to even be considered overworked. Were expected to have perfect bodies and always available for sex. Perfect food that everyone in our family eats that’s perfectly healthy.
I am so completely overwhelmed ever single day, and i can not remember the last time i felt like i had anything under control. I homeschool, and people have suggested i put my kids in school. I don’t want to do. I don’t want to deal with homework, or whatever crazy way theyre doing math. I don’t think public school would solve it. And how would that solve anything? So i have more time to clean?
I think we’re told to give our husbands way more grace than anyone gives us. I think we would like to assume we don’t identify with Martha but we’re expected to be her. I can’t think of one person in my life who actually understands with I’m saying or cares to try to understand. People are actually appalled when i tell them that my husband is charge of the dishes at night, even though he has never actually done them.
Honestly, seriously, how am i supposed to get everything done that I’m supposed to get done? How do i even know what that is?obviously i can’t get everything done that a mom with 2 kids in school can get done. I have 4kids and homeschool 3, plus a 2 year old who destroys everything. Keeping him out of trouble is more than a full time job. But if the dishes aren’t done, how do we eat? If the Living room isn’t picked up, how do we do school?
Just get told to do more, try more. I feel like there is no hope for a house that we can live in. What is the point? Why not just give up?
I am sorry you don’t feel anyone can understand what you are saying.
I think people do understand, it is unfortunate that those people are either not around you or do not communicate this.
But I want you to feel reassured, that you are not crazy!
I do think when women had lots of small children at home that that requires more than 40 hours a week and that even though the husband may be working a full-time job, he will probably still need to help out at home.
I want to validate you in feeling overwhelmed. But, may I suggest that you don’t try to keep everything too perfect, give yourself grace even if you feel no one else does.
If you need to use disposable plates, so be it, or purchase more pre-chopped veggies or rotisserie chickens, so be it – assuming you have the money. You may also need to honestly hire in some help a few hours a week – again assuming there is budget. Maybe push all the junk in the living room into a corner or closet or tell everyone that you are throwing away anything left in the floor.
But, I also want to point back to the heart of Shelia’s post, to also give your husband grace. You can’t directly experience other people’s reality. And you don’t know what is going on in his mind. Unless you married a sociopathic evil hateful and narcissistic man – don’t interpret his lack of help or affirmation as evil.
Maybe you two just can’t understand what the other is going through, or maybe there is just some communication or relational barriers or hurts and wounds that keep you from working in unity. It is possible he is just a little selfish or lazy, but he is your husband and you may need to forgive his weaknesses as he must forgive yours, and you do have weakness that are not less bad than his. We must resist the urge to consider ourselves superior to others.
Great, thoughts, TBG! Totally agree about letting go of things being perfect.
I’m sorry, I know a little of what you’re feeling with the house & children! We got married 3 years ago October, our oldest is 2.5, and we’re expecting our 3rd in 4 weeks! I am normally a very driven person, but more recently, I have had my bouts of discouragement with the endlessness and intensity of it all! My sis just had her 5th in 6 years, and having come from a family of 10 children who were homeschooled, we certainly feel the expectations on us! Ug.
A couple things that may help… I’m reading a book right now called Good News for Weary Women: Escaping the Bondage of To-Do Lists, Steps, and Bad Advice by Elyse Fitzpatrick. When you’re a people-pleasing perfectionist like I am, it’s freeing to see that some of that burden can be let go!
Also, an article on managing toddlers (this one is about 3 year old boys in particular). I just sent it to my sis who has 2 and 3 year old boys. I appreciate that it gave me the freedom to not feel so much guilt about “training” (which you still will do), but being okay with putting stuff away and using locks on doors and cupboards, etc.
http://familylivingonpurpose.com/2015/07/productively-occupying-3-year-old-boys/
That’s lovely, Laura, and really helpful! Thank you.
Hi Molly,
I feel for you and I hope you’ll find some encouragement. I have 4 kids, my oldest just turned 7 and we homeschool too with a two year old and a baby around. I think you need to free yourself from the expectation of being perfect in all those things you described. Who cares what everybody else thinks?! What matters most is that you and your husband are on the same page when it comes to prioritize how much school and housework needs to get done. Your house does not need to look perfect, you don’t need to teach every subject all the time, you don’t have to do Pinterest crafts with your kids. Try to write down what is the minimum you must accomplish every day and then focus on this while maintaining healthy relationships with your husband and kids. Talk to your husband to find out how he sees your work and what he thinks is important and what is not. You might be relieved to find out that he doesn’t care for a perfect house. A clean house is worth nothing if you are yelling at your kids and are angry with your husband. I tell you honestly, I struggle to not let my agenda (mainly a perfect clean house and some quiet time to myself) take over, but since I wrote down my essentials and know what to focus on it’s gotten much better. My list is short, I’ll share to give you a better idea:
*dishes & counters
*clean up toys from living area in evening
*read aloud with my kids
*my 7 year old needs to do some reading everyday and some math (through games or hands on activities, sometimes work sheets)
* we go outside everyday
*we worship and pray together on most days
* I try to give my two year old one on one positive play time attention everyday (20 mins)
Laundry and cleaning have become weekly tasks, I worked hard at getting rid of lots of excess stuff because i felt like a slave to taking care of clutter rather then being able to play with my kids…
I have organized all our craft/art/school supplies in bins stored out of reach for the two year old (one activity per bin) and it has saved my sanity. The kids ask for an activity I pull out the bin, everything they need is inside, they do the craft or whatever and when finished they put everything back into the bin. They can’t get a new bin if the former is not cleaned up. It’s awesome.
Love this advice, Lydia! Thank you so much for ministering online.
Hi Molly! I see that several left some great comments while I was gone, so I don’t have a lot to add.
I just think it’s normal to feel overwhelmed, but perhaps your husband is feeling overwhelmed, too? Maybe approaching it like a team would work well. How about, “Honey, we’re both feeling so overwhelmed! Could we figure out how to do life so that it doesn’t seem so hard all the time? Can we brainstorm about how to make it easier for us?” Ask him what his top five stresses are, and then you identify your top 5 stresses, and it just may be that you’ll be able to help each other with them.
It is hard at this stage. And it honestly isn’t about trying harder necessarily. Sometimes it’s just about knowing what your priorities are, laser-focusing on those, and letting everything else fall away.
Thank you all for all the sweet words. I think i need to purge all the books that give crappy advice and limit my contact with people i know aren’t helping. A lot of other women give me those pat Christian answers like “just try harder” or “get up earlier” or something. I talked to my husband this afternoon and i do feel better. I think i need to write down all the reasons we homeschool and why i stay home with my kids.
Part of it is that my husband has really low expectations, which can be great, but i can’t be the only one who sees what needs done. He also hates talking, and i need him to talk. I talk out loud and sometimes i overwhelm him. Last w week we got in a huge argument because i asked for help planning my days. I used to be a terrible housekeeper and now my house is still a disaster most days but I’m cleaning. I just get so overwhelmed.
But thank you all. I’m going to be writing your words down in my journal so i can read them when i get down on myself.
Don’t get down on yourself dear. I feel overwhelmed a lot as well and I don’t even have kids! I just have a PhD to do and an apartment to clean and that gets overwhelming.
Prioritize! You can’t do everything. This is probably one of the worst lies ever. You can’t have it all. You can’t be the perfect mom, lover, friend, businesswoman, whatever else. Not possible. Erase that thought from your mind forever. Banish it to the hellish pit from whence it came!
Decide what is “good enough” and go with it. Routines help. But your daily to-do list really shouldn’t be longer than 3-4 items that absolutely have to get done (eg. feed kids, wipe down counters, have kids pick up toys, some school) or whatever works for you. Keep adjusting your schedule until you feel you have something that works for you.
You should try to optimize your schedule so that talking to your husband, some playtime with your kids, sleep and a few min rest a day is in there. This is not a sprint. It’s an ultra-marathon. You should not be going at absolutely full capacity all the time. Be ruthless about cutting unnecessary stuff out. Don’t go on social media and stop your ears to people who demand “perfection”. Perfection is a lie.
The one thing I would add is that you are comparing your house with lots of little kids to what you remember growing up. But what you remember is not what your mom’s house was necessarily like with lots of little kids. Those are crazy, hectic years.
Once the oldest is big enough to actually help, once the littler ones can take on a few chores, it starts to get easier to keep on top of things.
Don’t compare your reality with lots of little ones to a house with teenagers. (teens aren’t perfect, but they can mow lawns, shovel snow, and wash dishes! it really does get easier!)
Hi Molly! I know where you are because I am there too (minus the homeschooling, I only preschool my two oldest). I have four kids under four, and last year, my husband worked an average of 80 hrs a week. It was rough. Is rough.
Three things helped: I simplified. Seriously, if I didn’t need it, I let it go. The kids toys are stored in bins that they cannot access by themselves, so I get it one set at a time, and they get no other toys until that set is cleaned up. They each have simple chores to be done before play. My toddler is confined at all times, either in a gated play room the is small and kid -proof, or in a high chair or play pen. If things get crazy, I divide the kids and make them each sit with a book or project. (ok, so that turned out to be more than one point…)
Second, I cut corners with chores. Paper plates for one meal a day. My kids have a pair of play pants for outside (I can’t believe I’m admitting to this publicly!) and when they come in, they shed the dirty pants and hang them on a hook for next time. I wash those about once a week.
Third, I strongly (and sometimes sinfully) communicated with my husband about how we needed his presence, not just his finances. I don’t know what your situation is, but in our case, he got in over his head with job commitments – we didn’t actually need all the extra income – but either way, he was committed and had to follow through. So we ride it out. We agreed to put some guidelines in place to prevent that from happening again. I also laid out something simple he could do to help, and insisted he do them. I don’t know if that’s right or not, but we really need him, and until I insisted, he didn’t really understand that. So, I gave him bed time. I would get their jammies on, and then leave, go to my room, finish the kitchen chores. It was his job from there. That made the kids and I both feel like there was a daddy in their life, even if he was busy.
I’m sorry for the stress you are feeling right now, and I hope some of these suggestions help. Personally, I had to just forgive my husband and let it go. Find happiness in Jesus. Be the best I could be and let the rest go.
I homeschool four children plus I have toddler that can destroy the house in minutes. I understand.
I simplify. I cook dinner every other day. I always make enough for 2 nights. I purge my kids clothes and toys. Doing laundry more often with LESS CLOTHES means folding and putting away is easy. Because it’s not doing laundry that’s hard, it’s putting away laundry that’s hard.
I don’t procrastinate (much).
I set aside 30ish minutes every day to exercise.
I relax after the kids are in bed. No housework.
When my kids were young, we unschooled. We read a lot, went places, explored. It worked beautifully. They have a wealth of knowledge and experiences that you can’t get from curricula.
I don’t go on social media or anything that presents an image of what my household should be like. It’s our house, it fits our lives, no one else’s.
I hear you, Molly! I understand! And feel exactly the same way right now! One thing to try is to schedule your day using maths. Start with 24hours. First thing to take out of that is sleep. How much do you need? I aim for 7 hours (but so often only get 5-6). So that leaves 17hours. Next is food. How much time do you need to spend cooking, serving and eating food? No my house I’m calling that 2hours. So now we have 15hrs left. Next would be homeschool. The hours spent on school varies so much in homeschooling. We do about 5-6hours, but I only have one kid, so you may need more time allocated depending on what you are doing (especially if you are marking work – urgh, the drudgery of marking maths!) so now we are down to about 10 hours. Say about an hour for basic hygiene (shower, getting dressed, undressed, teeth, moisturiser, make up if you do that kind of thing). Now that’s 9 hours. Cleaning/tidying probably takes up 2hours each day, maybe more if you are washing a lot if dishes by hand, or folding heaps of laundry, or just generally keep a tidier house than me! Now we are at 7 hours. Oh my, I e forgotten to factor in Quiet Time with God!!! I would give that an hour of my day (but not necessarily all in one go). Now we are at 6 hours. Time to factor in some time with the kids that is not school related – I am not someone who ‘plays’ well at imaginary games, but I love a good snuggle on the couch with a book, or while watching some Tv together, or a card game at the kitchen table, so I’m going to give that 1 hour. Now I’m at 5hours. Time spent with hubby would ideally be 1-2hours. Which leaves me with 3-4hours of margin time. Any less than that really does leave us feeling overwhelmed, as there is always something we have forgotten, or something that pops up urgently. And there are all the tasks that don’t come up every day. But, basically, we all have to give ourselves some grace! We can’t do everything! There are only 24hours in a day! We need to fill up our time here on Earth with the right things, the things that are the MOST important. And these things are different for everybody. But 24hrs is always only 24hrs, God put a limit on how long a day is, and if we don’t have time to fit everything in, we are doing too much, or doing too much of the wrong things!
Praying that you find some peace over this Easter weekend.
All of the advice and kind words were so sweet, but this is exactly what i needed! I have no idea how to schedule my days. I was raised by a mom who worked all the time and let me in the care of others. I didn’t learn how to clean or cook or plan. I was also taught contempt for homemaking in general and stay at home moms. I had a little talk with my husband with the promise of more talking this weekend. He has a 3 day weekend for Easter. He’s been working overtime too make up for the lost hours.
But anyway. Thank you so much.
I appreciated this article and think it provides some needed balance. Lately, it seems to me, too many married women are so hung up on themselves. I feel like I just want to shout “get over yourself.”
In the past there may have been too much of a swing towards being a doormat, but I am concerned that I am now seeing a swing towards it being all about you, you, you and that women are superior to their husbands.
Yes, I see that, too, in places.
I appreciated this post! Something I have to constantly remind myself is not to “miss the forest for the trees.” To focus on the things I’m thankful for, because there really are so many reasons to be grateful! After reading the comments, I agree that there are so many expectations for women to be “perfect.” But I’ve come to realize that 99% of those expectations are placed on me by none other than me! A lot of times it’s pride in wanting to say “look at what all I manage to do,” other times it’s because I impose what I “think” others expect of me when they really have no such expectations. You have to figure out the things that are worth it to you and your family, and let the rest work itself out. Cut it out, reassess family responsibilities, etc. Do what works for your family’s priorities and then don’t worry about what others think. By the way, this is a current struggle of mine so I definitely don’t always get it right! My husband is quick to remind me “not to put so many shiny rocks in my backpack that it gets too heavy to carry.”
Absolutely. Counseling couples stuck like this is so very hard. Brick wall anyone?
I myself have been frozen with shock. We pray, we learn, we make a stand next time. Wisdom CAN come with age.
Thank YOU.
I recently retook a Strength’s Finders test and Empathy was my top strength (and I’d argue one of my greatest weaknesses at times too), but I feel as if it has served me well in marriage because I am always trying to put myself in his shoes and attempting to take off my pink colored glasses for his blue colored glasses (thank you, Love and Respect), and this keeps my heart soft toward my husband. I love that metaphor, having a soft heart. I don’t always get it right, of course, and I need to watch out for hardheartedness. But kindness, consideration, and basic human decency go a LONG way in marriage. How sad that I even have to say that out loud.
So my question is how do you communicate this to a friend? I have a very dear friend who seems to me to be a very godly women EXCEPT for in her marriage. This entire post describes her perfectly, but she does not see it at all. A friend tried to gently confront her as the three of us did a Bible study together this past Sunday and she flew off the handle saying that this is why she can’t talk marriage stuff with us because we both have good marriages and so we can’t understand. Now, to be fair, that’s true. I won’t pretend to understand. In fact, I very much so DO NOT understand, because I cannot imagine ever being in a place where I treated my husband the way she treats hers. He is no saint, by any means, and he is somewhat emotionally and financially abusive and it’s not okay, but what she is doing isn’t okay either. He really is a good man and wants to (or wanted to, once upon a time) make her happy, but she makes it so clear to him on a regular basis how unhappy he makes her that it’s no wonder he doesn’t even try anymore. I am not excusing his behavior–it’s unacceptable–but I can’t help but wonder what kind of man he would be if she were just warm and KIND to him instead of cold hearted disgust in every response. It’s so hard when she does open up to me about her marriage because mostly the more she complains about him the more I actually end up feeling sorry for him, and not for her. I would hate to be married to a woman like her. (Isn’t that an awful thing to say?) I have no idea how to confront her on this. Especially with her vicious reaction on Sunday, I don’t know that she even has the ears to hear it right now, or at least not from me or our mutual friend.
Anyway, great post. Stay soft-hearted, my friends! Always operate as a team, not opponents. It doesn’t matter who is MORE tired or who DESERVES a break more; the fact is that you’re BOTH tired and you BOTH need a break. So how about ditching the competition and instead putting your heads together to come up with something that helps meet both of your needs!
Thank you! I am like that woman and this helps me. I also forget who the real enemy is too often.
Kay, I wish I had a good answer to that one. I’m in the same boat in a way, but I can’t say much publicly. But I think the main thing is that you tried to say it, and she didn’t receive it. So all you can do is try. If you feel led then maybe God may be calling you to say it more vehemently, but I’d really pray about that and about the timing. But I don’t think there is a “right” way to say it, because when people don’t realize they’re doing it, they just too often choose to just not see!
My friend says “you planted the seed” Sometimes that is all you can do. I struggle with this with men I deal with in their struggles. I tell them my story and what not to do and they go out and do it anyway and then complain about the results. I can only deliver the message. I am told their own enlightened self interest must tell themselves they need to change. That is also how it worked for me. I had to have enough crap in my life that I was the cause of to get my attention to stop. You say your friend is stubborn? Well, I could hit the men I work with over the head with a 2 x 4 and they would still continue to do it. Its the old lead the horse to water but you can’t make him drink it adage. I have also been told the numbers are few. Which is sad. But you look around and it is true. The only thing we can do is to keep on delivering the message. I am thinking right now…could you imagine what Jesus was thinking to himself? LOL. When are these people gonna get it? LOL Best wishes with your friend .
Great God! This is so close to my situation; the only difference being that she’s not a close friend but a much older relative. Its quite sad but she just doesn’t see it. Confrontations have been “useless”, only causing more strife and bickering. He’s getting more withdrawn yet she feels she’s the victim.What can/should be done? I’m really confused cause it hurts to watch them tear each other apart. Any help/advice
please?
Have I seen this behavior in marriages? You bet I have! And I’m a relative newbie to the marriage game – tenth anniversary this month. My thoughts on it are that here in western culture, stuff has become more and more readily available over the past few decades, and the general attitude has become more and more self-focused. It happened so gradually that Christians didn’t realize they were being affected by it while we decried the behavior of society at large. We can be so blind to our own attitudes. I have been, my husband has been, we’ve seen our friends go through it. One thing I have learned is that you can talk to someone until you’re blue in the face about how their attitude and behaviors ought to change, but some people will not have their eyes opened until they experience the consequences of their actions. I don’t say this from up on a high horse – we’ve been there. It happens. We’re human, my husband and I, and we are flawed. We have both acted in ways that were not good and did not alter our course until the consequences caught up with us. The best thing we can do then, in my opinion, is take responsibility for our part in the situation and look hard at what we need to change in our own lives. Unfortunately there are those who won’t do that either. I have a feeling United Airlines won’t. And I am acquainted with people who won’t. It’s an unfortunate part of the human condition. But I cannot force people to change. The only person I can make change is myself.
I hear so many horror stories about airlines but I actually have a good one! In 2004 I was on an overseas missions trip. The group was about 80 people in total. Well, about half the group missed our connection for our overseas flight due to mechanical problems with their plane at our home airport. As the plane pulled away from the gate those of us who made the flight were sitting there in quiet panic that the other half of our team was missing! There was one airline employee who became a complete angel to the group. She worked overtime to get every single person booked on flights to our destination. After returning from the trip, our group leader got a giant card and everyone signed it and sent it to her. It was a God thing that she was on duty at the right time!
Love that, Melissa! And I know what you mean about people being self-focused–I’m guilty of it, too. We all are. The danger really isn’t in being self-focused; that’s a given. The danger is only in not recognizing it in ourselves. That’s when it becomes toxic. So glad you see that already! 🙂
And you’re right about how one employee can make all the difference! I’ve had that, too.
Yes, J at Hot, Holy & Humorous recently posted about praying to change yourself (instead of praying for others to change) which, when you first do it, feels like a very self centred prayer! Of course, praying to God to help ME become more like Him is the best kind of self centred!
I have to say that while I agree with all your comments about marriage in this post I disagree with your criticism of United here. Many news outlets leave out the fact that he cause a commotion after being asked to leave and tried to run back down the terminal onto the plane once they got him off the plane. After 9/11 that kind of behavior is not tolerated.
Also, those 4 employees mean so much more than just profit to United. Without those 4 employees an entire plane full of people would not be able to get where they had to go – which would have made THEM upset, they would have delayed the other planes that were waiting at that plane’s destination for that plane to arrive, and the plane would have been occupying a gate at the departure airport that another plane could have used. Why should an entire plane of 200+ people have to be re-routed when 4 people could be re-assigned so that they didn’t have to? I understand that the vouchers often are not enough or barely cover the cost of another ticket and that often there are no seats available, but unfortunately things like this happen. Were they right to hurt him? No. But they were just doing their job. Just like any other person.
Thank you Sheila for this post. the paragragh beginning with ..”the Bible calls it hardening of heart’…just brought it ‘so close to home’. I was pierced to the heart and earnestly asked the Lord to give me a ‘heart of flesh’..”soft heart”.
My husband works full time and so do I! We both enter the house and one of us wants to relax while ‘another full time job’ has just started for the other! guess who!?
Since i discovered you Sheila, i have made many positive steps with addressing my own attitudes (towards marriage and Sex)..and God’s been gracious. at one time, i asked myself why i had become so unromantic in my marriage when i always thought of myself to be a romantic person. i realised it was because i found my husband to be unromantic and so i slowly drifted into being unromantic..if i could say that. i no longer thought it necessary to do the little things that keep the love alive and help ‘..bring sexy back’!..
i became grumpy and moody..(lots of what you have described in the post!) and slowly drifted into a ‘boring marriage’..
simply put..let go of self (self agenda) and embrace AGAPE love!