How can you have a good sex life when you’re pregnant?
I mean, sex is a beautiful thing, right?
We all know we’re supposed to agree with that. And sex, after all, is what gives you that beautiful joy of creating new life!
But let’s be honest. When you’re pregnant and you feel like a beached whale, or when you’re bone tired and you spend your life dreaming of food that will actually stay down, sex is probably the last thing on your mind.
Pregnant sex sounds about as unappealing as smelling spicy food when you’re about to puke.
Not fun at all. And I know this is a problem for so many of you right now, so I found an article I wrote on pregnancy and sex a few years ago, and I thought I’d run it again today!
When I was creating my Boost Your Libido course, I was trying to address many of the emails that I get from so many of you: “but what about sex when you’re pregnant? Or breastfeeding? Or just exhausted with kids?” I haven’t written about this in a while, so I thought it was time to resurrect this topic.
Here’s why sex is such a challenge when you’re pregnant (other than that beached whale problem): for women, our sex drives are largely in our heads. When our heads are engaged, our body will usually follow. If we can’t concentrate, our bodies won’t. Any woman who has ever been having fun with her husband when the stray thought, “I wonder if there’s milk in the fridge for breakfast” invades knows what I’m talking about. Once your mind wanders, you’re gone.
And that’s why pregnant sex can be difficult.
You’re nauseous. You’re tired. You get charlie horses. You can’t get comfortable. And so how can you concentrate enough or get the energy together to focus on sex? I remember sneaking into our bedroom shortly after we were married when my husband had a bout of the flu. With a rash all over and a fever of 103, he looked so pathetic. So I said to him, “Is there anything I can do for you?” And his bleary eyes started flashing. “Well, since you asked…” For men, physical pain or physical discomfort is not a reason to say no to sex. For most women it is.
I was so sick when I was pregnant with my first daughter. I used to pray to throw up, but never could (Not being able to throw up is usually way worse than throwing up. I could throw up with the other two and felt so much better. Unless, of course, you’ve got hyperemesis gravidarum, as Princess Kate did, when you’ve got seriously horrible nausea that can be life threatening). And when you’re that nauseous, sex is the last thing in your mind.
And then, later in pregnancy when you’re so big, sex is just plain uncomfortable.
I’ve had several commenters who have said, “my husband just knows that this isn’t a good time for me, so we just put sex on hold until the baby is a few months old,” or variations of that. And I’m very uncomfortable with that. So here are some things to think about:
1. When You’re Pregnant, Your Husband Is Still Important
What your new child will need, more than anything else except a relationship with Christ, is the knowledge that his or her parents’ marriage is rock solid. The best thing that you can do for your child is to wholeheartedly love their dad. When that marriage is strong, the child is secure, so can concentrate on learning about navigating the rest of the world.
I know it’s easy to say, “well, he’s the one who got me in this situation, so he should just cope,” but that’s not really fair. Parenthood is a huge adjustment, and you need to reassure yourself that you and your husband are still on the same page. Sex is God’s way for us to do that.
That doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re going to have sex as often as we did before we were pregnant. But you shouldn’t swear it off altogether, or relegate it to “once a month” duty sex. Husbands often are very insecure as the baby comes. Will my wife still love me? Will she still pay attention to me? Those questions sound selfish to us, but they’re not, because he actually has his priorities straight. The marriage does come first. And if you can try throughout your pregnancy to show him that you believe that, you will start your life with this new baby on solid footing.
How do you do that?
2. Listen to Your Doctor About Sex While Pregnant
Obviously, for some women sex isn’t a good idea. If you’re spotting or having contractions early, you need to talk to your doctor. So everything I’m saying here is based on your doctor saying it’s okay!
Sometimes the husband is the one worried about sex because he doesn’t want to hurt the baby (or poke the baby, as one commenter said). In normal pregnancies, sex does not hurt anything at all. And the baby really doesn’t feel the poking. If your husband would be reassured by talking to the doctor, then this may be a good idea!
3. When Making Love While Pregnant, Focus on Intimacy
The reason that we don’t want sex is because we’re focused on the fact that if we have sex, we have to get energetic and try to get ourselves in the mood. Instead, think about sex as a way to feel intimate and to feel close to your husband. Do you long for that? Yes, you can feel close by snuggling, but we’ll always feel closer after we make love. And he will feel closer to us, too.
4. Get Real About How You Feel
Yes, you feel awful. Yes, you’re a beached whale. But here’s the truth: that is not going to change, whether or not you have sex. If you lie there and don’t make love, you’ll still be a beached whale. You’ll still be nauseous.
It’s not like abstaining from sex while pregnant makes these conditions feel better! It’s just that you don’t have to get yourself in the mood. And the thought that you could actually be in the mood at the same time as you’re feeling sick sounds awfully far-fetched. But I’m not sure it is, because:
5. Think of Pregnant Sex as Something That Makes You Physically Relax
If you change the way you think of sex (it’s about intimacy and feeling close to my husband), and change the way you have sex, it can actually make you feel better. I know you may not believe me, but just hear me out. While you’re pregnant and feeling awful, make sex far more about massage and touch than it is about a gymnastic marathon. Make it slow and tender, and focus on how your husband can make your body feel better. Buy some books on massage, or take some out of the library. Get some wonderful massage oils and just have him rub your legs if they hurt, and your back, and your shoulders, and take some of the tension out. Drag out foreplay so that your sexual encounters are focused on “making mom feel wonderful in every way”. You may find you actually look forward to it!
6. Get as Much Rest as Possible
Nap when your older children nap (if you have any). Nap as often as possible if you don’t have any kids. And talk to your husband about helping around the house. Explain to him that if you get more rest, you’ll likely be more “in the mood” later!
7. Try Different Positions
As you get bigger, the missionary position will become pretty much impossible. First, it’s very uncomfortable to lie on your back, and second, you’re a weird shape! But you can try you on top, or spooning. Read this post on the importance of getting the right angle when you make love for it to feel good.
And, if you’re nearing your due date and you’re desperate to go into labor, sex actually can help trigger labor later on!
8. Go with the Flow
To a certain extent, pregnancy is a “go with the flow” thing. Some days you’ll be feeling great, and some days you just won’t. In those beginning few weeks when you’re terribly nauseous, sex really may be too difficult. But often in months 4-7 we feel pretty good, and our libidos return (and are sometimes even higher!). Unfortunately, if you tell yourself and your husband at the beginning of the pregnancy “we just won’t be having sex now”, then when your libido returns, you may not even notice because you’ve shut yourself down. So don’t shut down! If you’re temporarily too sick, that’s okay. If your doctor says no, then you obviously shouldn’t. But remember: sex increases your intimacy, which is so important when a baby’s coming. It can help relax you. And it can cement your relationship. So don’t write it off! Just be more creative, more focused on relaxation, and more focused on the relationship!
What do you think? Did you find anything that worked well for pregnancy and sex? Or did you find sex while pregnant just impossible? Let’s talk about it in the comments!
Marriage isn't supposed to be blah!
Sex is supposed to be stupendous--physically, emotionally, AND spiritually. If it's not, get The Good Girl's Guide to Great Sex--and find out what you've been missing.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
You make it sound so easy! I wish it was! My husband and I have kept up a fairly active sex life (minimum of 2 x a week) thru four full term pregnancies and a miscarriage, but not as much as he would like. In some ways the hormones seem so unfair! I bleed for five days a month, whether I like it or not, and for some reason, my libido takes a crash landing for about five days leading up to the cycle, for a total of ten days. I still have sex during those times, but it is with a great deal of frustration and little enjoyment on my part. And pregnancy is worse (except those middle months!). And sometimes, I just want to cry, because what should be a beautiful, intimate thing, is just a frustrating job, even when I use all the tricks in your book. And most of the time, when that happens (due to pregnancy hormones or cycle hormones), I am left laying awake by myself, feeling empty and alone. It’s just plain hard, sometimes. And then there’s the Bible’s commands to “not deprive”, so I just have to keep pushing thru the feelings.
My husband lovingly assures me that he would do the same for me, if he was ever not in the mood. And I think, “That’s nice that you think that! But you’ve always been able to get in the mood. Once you are in the mood, you always orgasm. It never hurts you. You never struggle to get there. And the reality is, if you absolutely couldn’t get in the mood, we actually couldn’t do it. But if I can’t get in the mood, we do it anyway. Fun.”
I’m sorry. I will stop complaining now :)I actually agree with everything you wrote, I just think it’s harder than you made it sound. I wish my husband could live in my body for just one day! By he probably wishes I could understand how he feels too, so…. We’ll just have to keep guessing and trying!
Is your husband normally able to make you orgasm? PIV sex typically doesn’t make me orgasm, but he’s able to make sure I orgasm via manual stimulation. It’s our post-game wind down.
Actually, I think I’m in the minority, as missionary position is by far the best position for me. Woman on top has worked in the past, but otherwise, that’s it. All the rear-entry ones that are so great for pregnancy either hurt or I feel nothing.
I realize I sounded very negative in my comments, and I don’t mean to. For the most part, we have an awesome sex life. We are typically active every other day, but bare minimum is twice a week. I’m just in the throes of post-miscarriage hormones, and frustrated that none of these tricks work sometimes if my hormones are screaming no.
I recently asked my hubby how often he wants to do it, and his response was, “At least every day”. I about died, lol!
Four! I could have written what you wrote! Seriously. I love my husband so much but get so frustrated. I bleed 12-15 days of the month (yeah. My hormones are a MESS) and have food sensitivities that give me stomach aches if I am. It super careful.
Guess we just hang in there!?
Another thing: If a guy struggles to perform sexually, it’s called Erectile Dysfunction, or low testosterone, and it’s treated like a medical problem, like a real problem. Ifa woman struggles, it’s just considered par for the course. Or she’s told, “Don’t you love your husband?” “If you didn’t want to have sex 3-4 times a week you shouldn’t have gotten married” Well, bless my heart,I do love my husband. And I did want to have sex 3-4 times a week (still do, in theory). I just live in this thing called a female body, and it operates off of hormones, and those things are like a cruel joke some days! I have never quit struggling to perform sexually as a wife, but the struggle is part of my reality.
I know you say that sex is largely in our heads (as women), but I do think hormones play a pretty large role during pregnancy and breastfeeding. I like sex. I know it’s good for my marriage. My husband is patient. BUT, I just don’t have any “drive” there. We can be kissing and cuddling and engaging in that sort of slow warm-up foreplay, and my body barely responds. Of course I’m late 3rd trimester at the point. We’re still having sex, but we’ve both agreed that we’ve reached the “take what we can get” stage.
Anyway, I think it’s helped us to be able to laugh some of this off as hormones. It’s not that he’s doing anything wrong. It’s not about my attraction level. It’s just part of how my body is responding to pregnancy hormones at this point. So we have sex when we can, and we both know that my physical enthusiasm (or lack thereof) doesn’t reflect our love for each other AND that it’s not permanent.
YES!! And I think the more you’ve been married / more kids you have, it is easier to remember that all of it is temporary. It is okay that sex kinda sucks for a few months. It really is! Because we know it will get better again.
I am currently 11 weeks pregnant, my 5th pregnancy, and have been doing some hormone replacement therapy that makes me SO sick, but like Sheila mentioned I can’t throw up often. I just dry heave all day long and basically can’t do much of anything right now. It’s hard. I’m least nauseous in the mornings right now (so much for morning sickness) so lately my husband takes an early lunch once or twice a week to come home and we have sex, but there are many times I have to stop and dry heave. So we’ve been taking a lot of showers together instead. I try to lend a helping hand, but honestly even that movement makes me dry heave, so many times he has to do it while we are together. Is it ideal? Nope, not at all. But our sexual intimacy is important to us and this is one way we’ve found to stay connected even when sex is impossible/disappointing.
We hope I will feel better in a few weeks and have a little more fun for a while, since we know from experience that I cannot orgasm for the first several months after birth. With the breastfeeding and postpartum hormones, it is physically impossible for me. After my third was born, I didn’t orgasm until she was 10 months old. Ideal? No way! But we know it doesn’t stay this way forever. It’s okay to “settle for less” during these times, if that makes sense. Sometimes it really is impossible to have great sex; we focus on frequent connection instead and dream together about all the things we will do in another year or so.
This is making me thankful that my husband is generally patient, since I’ve definitely been guilty of this. Between my vaginismus, being nauseous for my entire first pregnancy, and being just exhausted from our toddler/having a lot more physical discomfort for my second (and lately, breathing issues that don’t even let me sit or lie down on our bed for long, let alone do stuff), even the thought of sex has been awfully stressful for me. I’m due in two days, my doctor has already told me that she wants to send me back to physical therapy for the vaginismus once I’m healed up enough, and my husband is aware that this is something that I’d really love to fix in our relationship. But I still feel guilty.
Any tips (aside from the obvious oral/hand stuff) for when doctors tell you vaginal sex isn’t safe? (Ex. Six weeks after birth, diagnosed with placenta previa, etc.)
I had HG the first trimester of my pregnancy and it was miserable! Throwing up 17 times a day, not even capable of holding down water so becoming hospitalized due to dehydration…it was really rough. 🙁 Fortunately, my husband was very patient and kind, and once I began feeling better, it was much easier to get in the mood. That first trimester, I was so sick, that even his natural scent made me nauseous so sex was pretty much impossible. Thankfully it got better, so I am very grateful my husband was so understanding and compassionate! 🙂
I can’t imagine having HG! I always felt so sorry for Princess Kate reading about it and what she was going through. Truly awful. Truly truly. I remember how badly I felt; I can’t imagine anything worse, and yet I know women go through it. So terrible the way our bodies seem to betray us, isn’t it?
We had sex all the way through our pregnancies and just naturally adjusted as time went on. However, it must not really be the same as non-pregnant sex because I can specifically remember the first time we had “real sex” after baby (the first couple times post-childbirth are really just getting everything used to working again) and thinking, “WHOA- I totally forgot what we were missing!” Hahaha. Keep at it- there is a light at the end of the tunnel!
As a guy, I was given this advice: just suck it up! We had very little sex during my wife’s pregnancy (less than once a month). Sex was the last thing on my wife’s mind!! Sometimes we guys just need to find other healthy outlets for our sex drive such weight lifting.
This article seems very one-sided to me, all about putting our husband first. A woman sacrifices her body for her family when she carries a baby, and her body goes through so many changes, many of which are not always pleasant. What about the comfort and feelings of the woman? What about the whole (large) group of women for whom sex during pregnancy is just plain painful? (Organ prolapse or partial prolapse, pelvic floor issues, pubic symphosis disorder, had multiple children so down there is much different during pregnancy, etc). Pregnancy is such a short time in relation to a couple’s marriage. If the wife isn’t comfortable and doesn’t want to, she shouldn’t feel like she has to, or like she just “needs to get her head in the game.” Her feelings and comfort level matter too. PERIOD.
I’m disappointed that you focused the article so much on maintaining vaginal intercourse. What about all the other ways for a couple to maintain intimacy?? I know I’ve seen you write about them in other articles.
Oh my word, I just want to hug all you sweet women who are being AMAZING wives and still having sex as much as you can despite not getting much out of it!! Your husbands are very blessed and you ladies are so inspiring.
I am blessed to have relatively easy pregnancies but I’m currently 37 weeks and feeling, as Sheila said, like a beached whale… sex definitely takes more effort these days but it is always so worth it, even if I don’t get as much out of it as usual because I’m so big and uncomfortable. The bonding alone is so important, not to mention it’s pretty much the easiest way to make my husband feel VERY loved!
Sometimes you are just plain sore and it’s tough because you still want that intimacy. On days when it’s painful or difficult we will take turns doing oral (27 weeks pregnant here). We don’t go all the way orally every time, but it does help to give my body a rest from the discomfort of PIV and enables us to still feel close. Also, lots of skin on skin before…heck, sleep naked! Feels so good after having to force your beached whale body into clothes all day. And skin on skin is a natural pain killer and relaxer, it helps you and hubby feel close and be on the same team as you parent and go through changes. It can also help if you struggle to sleep at night. So many benefits.
Love this!
My wife is pregnant with our second child and to be honest just today I was sitting at the bed and I said to myself, after hoping to have sex this weekend. . “Ok what day is it? It’s the 12 of April. Your wife is 2 months pregnant. So next time you are going to have sex is march 2019. Work hard on living pure because if you think celibacy is hard when your single it’s a lot harder when your married”. Reading this made me think a little different but I don’t know. I mean i love having sex with my wife but it’s so complicated. Not the helping out at home stuff and so because I take care of our daughter 90% of the day and I take care of all the chores in the house but getting time to have sex and everything you must do first and then the Big turn off: her constant nagging. I don’t know. I think abstination it’s the best choice for us. And for me it is something else. Something I would like to hear a women’s perspective on. I didn’t want to have a child so soon after we got married (4 months) and I didn’t want to have this second child until a year after because I just wanted to enjoy being married. My wife has always wanted children and even if I tried to give my opinion she didn’t liked it and you know what they say: “happy wife is a happy life”. The thing is that I have started to feel resentment and very tired of all of it. I mean I love my kid and the kid that will come but I just feel like I never enjoyed my marriage. And that is also a huge turn off for me. I always wanted a lot of kids but in the right time. Now I don’t want more kids, two is enough.
Happy wife, happy life, yes, but if you two aren’t on the same page then it will always be a struggle for one of you with your children. I am similar to your wife in that I always wanted children, but I knew that my husband wanted some time just as us and that he wanted to be more financially “stable” before we began trying. Granted we just got pregnant unexpectedly, but because I was so willing to wait for a better situation he is now so excited to be a dad. If she can’t/won’t understand that then there’s a bigger problem. And even during pregnancy I have been making an effort to be intimate with my husband because I know how important it is, even when I don’t feel like it. It sounds like you should gently bring up going to talk to someone about this.
I must be pretty weird because sex always helped me with nausea–it was something to think about that wasn’t food. I couldn’t keep anything down, sit up, or even hear the word “grocery list” without throwing up, so I thought about sex a *lot* and was pretty happy for a distraction. 😛
That’s awesome!
I feel like the odd pregnant woman out. When I was pregnant with each of our 3 kids, my husband was the one who didn’t want to have sex because it weirded him out so much once I got to about 25 weeks and he could see my belly even when I was lying down. I guess all the extra blood volume in my body really put me in the mood a lot, but hubby just couldn’t bring himself to make love. We tried a little later into each pregnancy, but ultimately went months without intercourse each time. It was really difficult for me enotional and physically. When I’m not pregnant, all is good. Our marriage is great! Pregnancy is just a huge hurdle! I’d love to hear suggestions for couples in our situation. Give us neglected pregnant wives some hope and our weirded out husbands some pointers.
We had the same problem! The more my belly grew, the less intercourse we had. For a while it worked when we tried positions that he would only see my back. But he just found it a big turn of when he saw my belly. Not because of poking the baby, but just the whole idea that there was a baby in my belly was a turn of. I missed the intimacy, we began to cuddle less etc. Then postpartum I had some isues due to my episiotomy. But after 10 months post partum it was great again. Unfortunatly I have no tips, but I would like some too!
(Please excuse any grammar mistakes, I am from the netherlands)
I’m in a rather discouraging situation for my pregnancy. Ever since I got pregnant I haven’t been able to orgasm. Usually with the proper warm up time I was able to orgasm almost every time we had sex (and I’m one of the few where PIV does it for me), but now that is not the case. There have even been times where I am actively encouraging orgasm and get right on the edge but then never get over the edge. 🙁 This has begun to cause problems for my husband because he feels like it is something he isn’t doing – even though I’ve told him over and over that’s not the case. Early in our marriage we struggled with not being able to bring sex to..completion..on his end, if you understand what I mean and he has since solved that problem and it was wonderful for a while, but now that I’m not orgasming that problem is coming back in his insecurity.
Also we can’t seem to do any position but the standard missionary. We can do me on top, but so far he hasn’t been able to release in that position so I’m getting worried for when I get bigger and we definitely can’t use the missionary position. I’m getting to the point where I can’t be flat on my back anymore because of the pressure my belly puts on my arteries (my legs go numb) so we’re trying new things, but he doesn’t seem long enough to actually do any of the “rear-entry” positions.
Does anyone have any advice for any of this?