So apparently I am a big ole’ sinner.
David’s likely right (he’s the one who called me a sinner).
Oh, and my daughter has a boyfriend (he’s her boyfriend).
The younger daughter, not that married one, that is (Phew!).
I’ll let Katie fill you in on the boyfriend (and the sin). If you don’t want to watch the whole thing, the relevant part starts around 3:47.
I have officially repented and apologized to both of my girls for their misguided and deprived childhood.
No peanut butter, no nuts, not a lot of cheese on pizza and pasta (I just don’t like lots of cheese! Some, maybe. Lots? Too greasy). No pie (if it’s not chocolate it’s not a dessert. What’s the point?) All of those things. But they made it through anyway!
I thought I’d just write a stream of consciousness thing today anyway since we’re in our RV driving home (halfway from Texas to Ottawa right now!). I can’t be too profound at the moment.
And really, this development with Katie is HUGE in our family. But I haven’t been able to talk about it until she decided to go public.
I have so much I’d like to say, but I really can’t because it’s their story to tell, and maybe one day I’ll be able to talk more about what it’s like having daughters who are dating. But it’s funny how this relationship is so different from Rebecca’s.
Rebecca met her (now) husband Connor in her first year away at university. And they got serious pretty quickly. It was strange for us, because we homeschooled the girls, and I was super involved in the youth program they were in (I was the cool parent, despite the peanut butter), and so I always knew everybody they knew. And I had my own relationship with a lot of their friends. I’d talk to them and mentor them even aside from the girls’ friendships with them.
So when Connor came into our lives we didn’t know what to do. We’d never had to get to know someone before that our daughter already knew so well. And we weren’t quite sure how to do that. But we muddled our way through, and we’re all one big happy family now! (while we were on the cruise this summer we hammed it up with the photographers).
All of us having fun!
And we know how to be silly together!
Connor and Keith doing their best Zoolander “Blue Steel” impressions.
We’ve made a point of trying to do more family vacations together so we all do get a chance to get comfortable with each other and laugh together, and we’re honestly at that point now. We can all talk to Connor without Rebecca being part of it, because we have our own relationship with him.
And now there’s Katie and David. As you can likely tell from the video, Katie and David go way back. David was actually Rebecca’s friend in high school; there was a group of them who were super close, and so David’s been in our lives forever. He even used to call me and Keith Mom and Dad because we would mentor him and just generally be nice to him!
So David, Connor and Becca are all the same age, and it’s kind of nice because when David visits Katie in Ottawa he can stay with Becca and Connor. When they started dating, Becca phoned me and said, “I’m just so glad that I never had a crush on David in high school! We were always together but I always thought of him like a brother!” I’m sure that’s a big relief all round.
But it’s also a different dynamic because we know so much about David that it’s hard not to interfere. With Rebecca, I just had to take her word for everything that she said. With Katie, there’s so much history. That’s not to say that I doubt the relationship whatsoever (I don’t); it just makes it harder not to try to micromanage anything or express opinions.
When Rebecca would say something about her relationship, we’d just nod and smile because we didn’t really KNOW anything else. But with Katie we all know EVERYTHING. So it makes stuff seem much more serious much more quickly (and that applies double for Becca who really knows David well!).
One of the really super wonderful things, though, is that my daughter isn’t lonely anymore. It’s been hard to watch both of the girls go through heartbreaks and loneliness. God used those times in their lives, and He definitely brought them closer to Him, and helped them figure out what their aim in life really was. But it’s still tough when you know your kid is sad. So I’m glad she’s not sad anymore.
(PS: another thing about David: We know his family really well. So it’s kind of funny for his mom and me to talk about all this stuff!)
I find that so much of my emotional energy and prayer life for the last, oh, maybe 10 years, has been about the girls and their future husbands and about boy trouble. When they were sad, I was just sad with them and for them. It’s hard as a mom! So it’s weird to be in this different place now where you’re not really wondering, “will it be him?”, but more praying just for everyone to grow closer to God and hear His voice more and more in their lives.
I think I like it!
Any of you walk through your kids dating? How was it? Or did your parents make any big mistakes when you were dating? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Our 17 year old is dating a guy 9 1/2 hours away. They have known each other for 6 years through church & camp. He comes from a great family, very driven, hard worker (has 3 jobs & tutors). It’s a lot different than watching your kid date someone locally.
9 1/2 hours is a long way! But one of the things I find with long distance is that they have to talk. And that can be a good thing! You can get to know each other so well on Skype. It’s lonely, but I don’t think it’s the worst thing in the world when it comes to developing healthy relationships. When you’re together in person, you tend to watch movies or just cuddle. But on Skype you have to talk. That’s good, I think.
So glad you said this, “When they were sad, I was just sad with them and for them. It’s hard as a mom!” This is my biggest struggle as we walk through dating relationships with our kids! We have 3 married and a 4th who is beginning to date! For me, it is an emotional rollercoaster right along side them. Any advice on how to stay emotionaly detached when your older teens are dating while they still live at home?
NOPE. No advice at all. Because I never managed to do it!!!!! I wish I had managed to stay more emotionally detached. It likely would have been healthier for everyone. But the big thing I did too was always encouraging everyone–including me–to keep our eyes on the big picture of what God wanted for your life, and to try not to get caught up in things that may seem good now that aren’t good in the long run. And if something ends that was most likely not going to be good, even though it hurts, that’s God’s protection.
But no, I never managed to stay emotionally detached! 🙁
I can definitely relate to the pain of watching a daughter be lonely. Our oldest is in her first year of college at a private Christian school- a thousand miles away from us. Like you, we homeschool– she has always had a big group of friends, both male and female, from church and homeschool groups but has never been in a relationship with a boy. We didn’t “forbid” dating, we simply encouraged friendships and reserving serious commitments for the right season of life.
I think she (and honestly me!) always assumed that relationships and dating would just naturally be a part of her first year of college (mostly because that was my story). But that hasn’t been her story and as her first year of college winds down, she finds herself struggling with the loneliness of not yet “finding the one.” Her school hosts a formal spring banquet, which is this weekend, and of course it’s a big deal to be asked to the banquet– she wasn’t asked by anyone.
As the Momma, a thousand miles away, my heart is just breaking with her and for her. Her Daddy and I firmly believe and teach that she does not need a man “to complete her”– only Christ does that for us–and that her job is to fall in love with her Creator and focus on a life of service to Him, trusting Him to provide what she needs. But balancing that with the desire for her to know the joys of a godly marriage is tough. And while I know there’s still so much of her story yet to be written, I find myself in much thought and pray regarding her future. It’s a hard place to be as a momma, watching and waiting their stories unfold, remembering to trust Him, the author of it all.
Thanks for sharing your journey with us- and for providing such godly wisdom!
Oh, Jenn, that’s just about the same as me with Katie! I totally get it. I think we all assumed that she’d meet someone in her first year, and then she didn’t. But then God was doing something and David came back into her life this year. But it was really hard last year. I know exactly what you mean!
My daughter still lives at home and goes to community college. She is 20 now and in a relationship for the first time….with a 34 year old. She is a good committed Christian girl but this man is not a christian and does not share her beliefs. She never thought she would date a non-christian and yet, here we are. She knows it is not wise but is already in it emotionally. Please pray for her to be strong enough to break this off before things get to far. And any articles on here you could point me to about this subject would be great.
Oh, that’s tough! I do have an article about when you hate your daughter’s boyfriend–though I was more thinking of it for teenagers. But likely a lot of the same principles apply. I hope that helps.
I met my now husband while away at college and unfortunately I was not close to my parents at the time so I didn’t tell them much about this guy I liked. It came back to bite me because things got serious pretty quickly–as in we knew we wanted to get married about 4 months into our relationship. And truth be told, while I don’t believe in love at first sight because I believe love is a choice, I felt God nudge me even before we started dating to tell me he was the one. I fought it, haha, because who “just knows” those kinds of things; how silly! But truly, I just knew.
My mom and I fought a lot when she realized how serious we were, usually her yelling at me that I hardly knew him, to which I would try to calmly remind her that no, it was HER that didn’t know him. Eventually, my mom flat out told me that she did not want me to marry him. That was such a difficult time. I take “family objections” very seriously because I take marriage very seriously. But after talking to all of my friends and close family members and a lot of prayer, everyone else seemed to be in agreement that my mom was most likely responding this way out of bitterness in her own miserable marriage. I know she was trying to protect me from rushing, which is what she did, and therefore she got stuck with a man who never really did grow up and who has been very verbally abusive to her and to all of us at home. But marrying my husband was the best decision I’ve ever made. We’ve been married ten years now, and while it hasn’t been easy, it has been wonderful. It was so hard to “disobey” my mom! But she has since come around. I feel like there is still more distance between my parents and my husband compared to their other sons-in-law that have since come along, but all in all my mom sees how much he loves me and tells me regularly how thankful she is for the husbands her daughters have chosen.
I’m not sure what point I’m trying to make, haha. I guess an encouragement to young couples to share openly with parents and for parents to try to keep your own areas of brokenness in check when it comes to thinking you know what is best for your children. The thought of missing out on the life I have now is devastating. I will say, though, that although we knew we wanted to get married very quickly, we did not rush into marriage. We were engaged for 15 months (which I don’t recommend, by the way, haha), but my point is that I *did* know the man I was marrying. I guess I say that because my husband’s brother married his wife after dating for three weeks (yes, three WEEKS to married) and it has not turned out well for him at all. It’s heartbreaking. As you say, Sheila, character is SO important when choosing a spouse. Three weeks is not enough time to determine someone’s character.
THREE WEEKS?!? Yikes!
Yes, I do think it’s totally possible to know right into dating that this is the man for you. It’s still wise to totally get to know each other before you get engaged, but I think sometimes you just know.
And that’s the thing with parents. I DIDN’T know Connor. But I did know Becca. And that’s what I always told her: I trust you, and if you say he’s good, I’ll believe you, because I know you.
That’s what parents have to fall back on. We know our kids. And if you’ve raised them and respect them, then you need to respect their judgment (unless you see obvious red flags, of course. That’s a different story. I’m talking about when you simply don’t know the person).
It sounds like your mom really missed out on a much better relationship that she could have had with both of you, and that’s sad! I want to make sure I never do that to my girls!
I assumed that I would meet my future husband in college (much like the timeline of my older sister) and when that turned out to not be the case, I had to wade through disappointment and heartache and had years of learning to absolutely love the single life! I think it is important to not assume that someone else’s story is going to be yours.
My younger sister married someone from high school just after they graduated from college (dated long-distance while they were both at different schools). My older sister married someone she met in college just after they graduated from college (both were about 22/23). I just got married last year at 33. It was HARD to watch my sisters get married and have kids while I wasn’t even dating anyone. Especially hard was them being pregnant at the same time and not being able to experience that with them.
But during those years I had time to make amazing, lasting friendships and spend my time on/with others–including visiting my sisters and being able to help with the kiddos to give them some relief. This is something I’m finding much harder to do now that I have a husband that I want to go home to. God’s timing and plan are always perfect, and I just tried to see the positive side of it all. Now even if I could go back, I wouldn’t change anything because if I did, I wouldn’t have the man I have today!
I had a hard time understanding Paul’s message in 1 Corinthians 7 where he says, “There is a difference between a wife and an unmarried women. The unmarried woman cares about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and in spirit. But she who is married cares about the things of the world–how she may please her husband.” I get it now that I’m married, and I’m so glad that He gave me time to spend caring about things that matter to Him so that I have that foundation for now when it’s harder!
That’s such a great testimony to what God’s done in your life! Thanks so much for sharing!
My daughter had a serious boyfriend last year (she was 16 at the time). She had known him for 3 years and when they started talking more and admitted they liked each other, things went really fast emotionally and she fell in love hard. We loved him too at first, he seemed to blend in so well with our family. He was sweet, his mom and I got along well, he liked to hang out with us, he seemed to treat my daughter well. And she was so happy at first… she had been suicidal year before so this was amazing. We got caught up in that. We thought he could be the one. But red flags started popping up pretty quickly around month 5. He was a major mama’s boy and mom was crazy controlling. And there was this weird vibe with their mutual best friend (a girl). Anyways, he turned into a major jerk suddenly, his mom made all this drama, and he broke up with her via a text conversation with my husband! The whole thing was ridiculous. And guess what? The best friend and said boy are now a couple. Grrrrrrr….. so glad all this happened before it got way too serious. We will all be much more cautious next time she likes someone.
Oh, that must have been so hard for everyone! Glad she avoided that major problem!
I celebrate with you at your daughters’ choices but am also concerned that others may read it and think you’re endorsing a hands-off approach when it comes to your children choosing a spouse. Yes, we should trust our children if we’ve taught them and trained them well over the years. But we shouldn’t assume they will make a wise choice just because we trust them or have trained them. Many a child has made a poor choice while still living under their parents’ roof. And when away at college/university and they’re feeling particularly lonely, or feel pressured to find a partner at this time (because their friends are all pairing up or it’s an expectation of their family – voiced or otherwise), or they’ve unhappy or confused or unsure, they may fall for someone they may never have considered themselves falling for at other times. And once they consider themselves ‘in love’, they’ll often ignore warning signs, especially if they’re very subtle.
In these instances we’ve sought to have the friend in our home or to visit with our offspring as much as possible in order to get to know the friend. And prayed lots. And while we trust our children and that they’ll make good choices, we never take it for granted that they will.