What do you do to keep your marriage close when your husband is infertile?
Every Monday I like to take a reader question and try to answer it. I know so many of you are dealing with infertility, and I thought this was a different slant on it that I really haven’t tackled before.
A woman writes:
My problem is that I can’t get pregnant. But we just found out that the infertility is not me, but him, because his sperm count is low. But what I’ve noticed now is that he does not want to have sex and I’ve tried! But he pushes me away and he has no kind words nor affection nor feelings for me and I am concerned about it.
I just want to start by saying that I’m so sorry! That’s a hard road to walk down, when you really want a baby and you can’t seem to have one together. And that brings on so many different feelings–grief for sure, but also potentially resentment on your part (even if you try hard not to), and guilt on his. How do you work through that?
So first, a few thoughts on male infertility and low sperm count.
Did you know that you can test your sperm count at home?
This is really cool! YO Home Sperm Test sent me some details about how they can help you figure out if you have low sperm count, right from your home. Then, if you do have problems, you can choose to follow up and see a doctor. And YO Home Sperm Test agreed to sponsor this post so I could tell you about them.
Basically, it works with your smart phone. The test kit allows you to test a sample and gives you a reading which is a combination of sperm count and motility. Here’s why that matters: It isn’t enough just to know how many sperm are in each mL of fluid; you also want to know how much those little guys are moving around (that’s motility). You can actually get pregnant even if you have a low sperm count if the sperm have high motility. So YO Home Sperm Test factors both in. And it’s been FDA approved and has results comparable to those in large fertility and IVF labs. See it here!
If you’ve been having trouble getting pregnant, then, it’s a great way to test if he’s the problem (which is far easier to tell and far less invasive than testing her). So you may as well start with him! Each kit comes with two test kits, to allow you to double check or test two different samples.
Here’s it in action (and I love the description: “No sperm will actually touch your phone!”):
Seriously, I think this is awesome. At least it would give you a place to start if you’re wondering if the problem is you or him. And it’s a lot less expensive than a doctor’s visit or workup!
What if he does have a low sperm count?
Okay, now let’s take this step by step, and we’ll start with the low sperm count and then move on to the relationship issues.
Sperm count and motility are not fixed in stone. They can vary over time. Now, if has a complete absence of sperm (azoospermia), that’s a different story. In that case conception is impossible. But most men simply have a low sperm count.
If your husband has a low sperm count, here's how to increase your chance of conception: Click To TweetHow to Boost Your Chances of Conception with a Low Sperm Count
If he has sperm, but just not very many, conception may still be possible.
First, know your fertile days (the days around ovulation), and time intercourse for those days, just as you normally would.
Hitting the right days will vastly increase the chances of conception, even with a low sperm count.
Second, don’t “store up” sperm
Many people think that if he has a low sperm count, the best thing to do is to almost stop having sex and store up the sperm until those fertile days, so that there’s more on those days. While there will be more fluid, research has shown that this doesn’t help conception. Frequent sex actually helps sperm motility (getting the sperm to move) which helps fertility more.
Third, try to minimize “free radical damage”
Basically, you want to keep your body as healthy as possible and stop as many toxins as possible. So no cigarettes, and limit alcohol. Eat foods high in antioxidants, like berries, fruit, nuts, etc. Reduce exposure to chemicals (like in gardening or some factory work or lab work). Wear protecting clothing and masks when possible.
And avoid hot tubs and saunas and things which cause a lot of heat “in that region”. I know they used to warn against having laptops on your lap and told guys to wear boxers rather than briefs to prevent too much “heat”. I think a lot of that may have been debunked (though the hot tub and sauna thing has been proven to be true), but there’s no harm in trying.
Remember You’re a Team
Here’s the thing with fertility problems, though: It takes two to make a baby. You’re a team. And so if he has a problem, then the problem is not his. The problem is yours together, because you ARE a team.
I can’t stress this enough. You simply must deal with any resentment or anger that you have towards him and let it go. Let yourself feel it for a time, but then pray about it and decide that you’re going to treat this as an issue you have together, not as an issue with him. And I think that’s important for the future, too. I’m not one who is in support of using someone else’s sperm to get pregnant. If he’s not fertile, then YOU BOTH are not fertile, and it’s time to adopt or choose a different course for your life.
I say that knowing that it is one of the hardest things you will ever do, and understanding the heartache involved. But I don’t think using someone else’s sperm is the answer here, even if it would give you your own biological child. I’m very, very uncomfortable with that.
So if you are a team, then make sure you’re acting like one! If he has to ditch the cigarettes, so do you. If he has to cut out alcohol, so do you. If he has to change his diet, so do you. Be in on this together!
Work on Your Friendship
Stay Close through Infertility (even if it's HIM who has the problem!)Click To TweetFinally, whenever couples have an issue in their marriage that starts to drive a major wedge, I always recommend the same thing: start working on your friendship again. When you first started dating there were things that you enjoyed doing together. You got together because you enjoyed being with each other. You like similar things!
So get back to that and remember what it was that you had fun with. Do more of it. Here’s why:
When we have fun together, we bring the tension level of the relationship down. When we laugh together, we make it easier to talk together. If the tension level is sky high and there are things that we’re avoiding saying to each other, then you’ll start to naturally pull away from each other (as this guy seems to be doing by not wanting to have sex). But when the tension level is really high, you can’t talk about it. How do you broach the subject when you’re both so uncomfortable and there’s so much that seems unsaid?
That’s why it’s important to shelve it for a minute and just work at bringing the tension level down. Tell him that for a month you want to forget about being pregnant and you just want to be husband and wife, best friends, again. I’ve got a FREE 5 lesson email course on how to emotionally reconnect, and it may really help you. It starts with small things you can do, and then builds to finding big things to do together that help you feel more connected. Sign up here.
Address his low sex drive
So much of a guy feeling like a guy is feeling like his sperm are powerful. I know that sounds really odd, but to a guy it’s a big deal. If you find out that your little guys don’t really move, or that you’re not really producing very many, that’s a huge blow to your ego.
And so it’s hardly surprising that a guy may lose his sex drive. His whole concept of manhood is gone.
Just a few things: don’t baby him. Sometimes our natural response is to try to comfort him: “Oh, sweetie, I love you just for who you are! It’s okay with me!” But check yourself. If you would use the same tone of voice or the same approach for a 5-year-old boy, then stop. It’s much better to just approach him as if you have confidence in him, not as if he needs your reassurance.
Give him some space for a time sexually if he needs it, which may be difficult because you’ll be thinking, “if his sperm count is low we need to have sex even more to increase the chances!” But give him a few months to figure out his feelings, while also working on your friendship and trying to have fun outside the bedroom.
Then start really talking about it again. Tell him that regardless of what happens with a baby, you guys are husband and wife first, and even if you lose the chance to be parents (which is not guaranteed at all), there’s no way you want to lose the chance to be husband and wife. You can still have an awesome time even if you aren’t parents. So let’s reclaim what we do have rather than defining ourselves by what we don’t.
Remember–most cases of low sperm count do not mean that it is impossible to conceive.
It will be more difficult. You will have to time things better. You will have to take super good care of his body. But it often can happen, especially with the help of a fertility clinic. So take heart, pray tons, and keep loving him.
Now let me know in the comments: Have you dealt with this in your marriage? How did you keep your sex life alive? How did you reassure him? Let’s talk!
And thanks to YO Home Sperm Test for sponsoring this post.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This was the issue for my DH and me. We were a little bit older when we married, so we started trying right away for a baby. (27 and 33) When it didn’t happen, I went and got checked out – everything came back okay, with a recommendation that my husband go and get checked out. He did NOT want to do this. It really bothered him. He had always been this big macho type of guy. When he got the results and found that he had a minimal count along with low motility, etc. he was really thrown for a loop (as was I). It’s such a whirlwind of emotion for both the husband and wife. He sees it as a reflection of his manhood and if I’m honest, I can admit that it was very difficult for me initially to know that I was capable of having a baby, but he wasn’t. That thought didn’t last long for me and quickly turned into “this is OUR problem”. We changed our diet and both of us did whatever we had to. We saw a fertility doctor after a urologist told my husband it was medically impossible for us to get pregnant without IVF/ICSI. We did several cycles of IVF and eventually became pregnant with our oldest son. 9 months post partum we were surprised with a 2nd pregnancy with my youngest son. That one was totally natural. The most important thing is to focus on it being an issue for both of you. He’s going to question why you would even want to stay with him. That’s just a natural thing. Try to take some focus off of the baby making for a while, if you can. Always refer to it as our problem and don’t make the mistake of every saying your problem (his). It’s a difficult road to walk, but you can do it if you stick together. Give him time to process things. Once he sees you’re with him no matter what, things will resolve.
Oh, Hillary, thank you for that comment! What a wonderful story. I love how you put the emphasis on “our” problem. And I’m so glad that you have your children!
Thanks for the article, Sheila. That’s a lot of great advice.
What are your thoughts on discussing this issue with a girlfriend or fiance? If a young man knows he has low testosterone and is infertile, when is it a good idea to talk about this with a potential spouse?
Hi Matt! I think you have to talk about it once you start getting serious. It’s just not something you can keep from someone. And if you’re open and honest, then they can weigh how much it matters to them. And I’d really advice getting a lot of medical opinions, because low testosterone can be dealt with, and low sperm count doesn’t necessarily mean infertility. So just make sure that it is something that is this serious. Low testosterone also has effects far beyond just fertility, to the extent that many guys don’t have much of a sex drive, and I think a potential spouse needs to know that and understand the effects. And the guy also needs to dedicate himself, if he is to marry, to getting treatment for low testosterone and to pursuing his wife sexually anyway, even if he doesn’t have much of a drive.
Was the product ad necessary at the beginning of the post seeing as how the reader already knows her husbands sperm count is low? It’s a sponsored post I see..could have added it at the end.
I was told to have sex every 48 hours during my fertile window & encourage my hubby to wear boxers as they allow the testicles to be away from the body since overheating them isn’t good for sperm production. Plus there’s always artificial insemination.
Artificial insemination with sperm from another man is wrong. For one thing, it means the woman is bearing some other man’s child, which is a form of infidelity, even if they didn’t have sex. Being married means that husband and wife belong to one another and that sexual acts and the products of those acts belong to both of them. Using a man’s sperm to father a child outside his marriage is depriving that man’s wife (or future wife) of what rightfully belongs to her.
So artificial insemination is wrong because it uses the sperm outside marriage, but it’s also wrong to deprive a child of his or her biological father on purpose. Sperm donation means you’re paying a father to go away and never be part of his child’s life. Biology means something, and children have a right to their biological parents. It objectively harms children to deny them one of their parents on purpose. Sometimes tragedy happens and a child loses a parent, and we must do the best we can for that child in a broken world. But we shouldn’t be causing brokenness by purposely creating a child who will always be separated from a parent.
God didn’t intend for us to go elsewhere for a child any more than he planned for us to go elsewhere for sex. It wasn’t okay for Abraham to have a child with Hagar because Sarah was infertile. Sex and reproduction are sacred and go hand in hand for a reason.
Children are not commodities to be obtained when we want them. They’re gifts from God designed to be produced by the love between a husband and wife. If that husband and wife can’t have children of their own, that’s a tragedy, but it doesn’t justify going outside the marriage for sperm (or eggs either) or depriving a child of one of his or her biological parents. Instead, it may be time to think about providing a home to a child in need.
Lindsay Harold recently posted…What Women Should Do to Prepare for Marriage
Artificial insemination from her HUSBAND is what I was referring to, not a sperm donor. I know couples who want a child & used donor eggs to conceive that child. Also know a single woman who went to a sperm bank to conceive a child.
Adoption isn’t easy. SO many hoops to jump through & it can be ultra-expensive. Sometimes it’s cheaper to use a sperm donor. It IS acceptable to have children outside of marriage as God does call some to remain single. It doesn’t mean they also have to remain childless as well.
Last I knew, adultery involved a sexual act. I’d hardly say artificial insemination was included in that. Are you also against IVF? What about using drugs like Clomid or injectable medications to stimulate ovulation? are you against those as well??
You also say that children shouldn’t be deprived of their biological parents so how do you justify adoption then??? Being a parent goes way beyond being the sperm donor or egg donor.
By your definition, if you’re unable to naturally conceive a child the good old fashion way then too bad for you… you don’t get to be a parent …sorry for your luck…better luck next lifetime! SMH!
I hear what you’re saying, Kelly, but I’m not sure the situations are the same. There’s a big difference between adopting a child who has no parents (and thus no relationship with biological relatives), and deliberately creating a child who will, by definition, be deprived of knowing at least one biological parent. I think that is an important distinction, isn’t it? I mean, in one case the child is already here, and has no biological relatives to care for them, and so it is an act of love to take them in. But in another, you are deliberately creating a child that you will deliberately deprive of knowing a biological relative, because you want a child. I think that’s a difference in kind.
I think IVF with your husband’s sperm is a different story, of course. And I’m not a black and white thinker entirely in this; I could see a sister donating an egg, for instance. I think it could raise a lot of issues, but I wouldn’t say it’s absolutely wrong. I also don’t think a sister being a surrogate is necessarily wrong, especially since she, as the aunt, could have an ongoing relationship with the child. But I do think that deliberately creating a child that will never know a biological parent has some real problems, as studies of children of sperm donors have found.
I also don’t think it’s wrong to use advances in reproductive technology to create a family if that is your deepest desire. I know families who have adopted older children who DID have a relationship with their bio-parents but parental rights were terminated because of drug addiction in the bio-parents. In that case, it was the husband with the fertility issue. They chose adoption over IVF. They were able to adopt easily as the husband worked in the local Child/Family services office.
I have 2 friends who used sperm donors. One had twins. The other had another boy after conceiving 1 naturally with a boyfriend who ended the relationship. She is a devout Catholic & a wonderful mother to her sons & they attend a private Catholic school. Her eldest son has no relationship with his bio-dad.
I’d rather see kids in stable homes, than some of the kids I see who attend school with my son. Parents who don’t care about their child’s education or well-being beyond what THEY can be handed by the state for being a low income(or no income) family/single parent.
I know a couple. Been together a long time. Have 3 sons together. Live together but aren’t married. Why? Because they get more monies/food stamps/ housing assistance from the State by the Mom claiming head of household. IMHO, they’re gaming the system. The dad works full-time. These two are constantly arguing all over Facebook. They both smoke. And drink heavily. Kids are well cared for but From what I’ve seen in person, as Dad used to coach my son’s football team a few years ago, it’s the same in public…public fighting & foul language. That’s not a good environment for children either.
Hi Sheila,
17 years ago, my husband and I were in exactly the same situation. The doctors told us that my husband’s sperm count was too low which made a natural pregnancy very unlikely. We had a look at IVF – options but quickly abandoned those because there are a lot of issues connected to IVF that we feel that Christians shouldn’t support. We soon filed for adoption. I know that adoption isn’t for everybody and that going through this long process is not easy, but for us, it took the stress out of having sex! It gave us a new aim in life, something to look forward to and it brought us closer as a couple. It was something we could work on together productively, e.g. taking photos and writing the adoption profile or getting in touch with other adoptive parents. In April 2004 we took a relaxing holiday is the beautiful country we were hoping to adopt from – and in January 2005 I gave birth to our first son. Obviously my husband’s sperm count had improved !
About the device – it may be a help for those men who are too embarrassed to speak to a doc about the issue. However, if there IS a problem, the doctors will want to do their own lab tests anyway and not rely on this device. Plus, I think that testing the sperm quality more than once only puts even more stress on both partners and does nothing to improve chances of conception.
To be honest, after that “miracle” in 2005, my husband and I were not able to conceive naturally again, but adoption worked out for us and we are now happy parents of three boys.
Your blog post brought the three horrible years back to my memory when we dealt with infertility issues, doctor’s visits etc. I learned not to take things for granted and that time strengthened my faith.
Thanks for bringing up the topic!
Jane
Sheila, may I email you a message regarding this please? I feel there is a critical piece that my heart is telling me i need to reach out to you on this matter. Something I feel needs to be a critical point to look at. I lived her exact story and know all too well what it does and the reason behind my husband’s issue.
I truely cannot thank you enough for the healing and insight you have provided through all of your works.
Sheila’s daughter here! You can email Sheila at https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/keep-in-touch/ ! I’m so glad you found this post helpful.
I like the attitude of working on this as a team. And I really encourage men to put their male ego aside and look at it as a medical issue, not a masculinity problem. We were having a great deal of difficulty in conceiving, and yep, thr problem was me. Low count and low motility. My urologist recommended that, along with tracking my wife’s ovulation, I should get some testosterone booster shots to promote better motility. Looser underwear, too. So, once a week, I went to his office, dropped my drawers, and got a shot. Three months later, she was pregnant. Our second pregnancy didn’t need the help, for some reason. The was almost 30 years ago, and I’m sure there is even more that can be done.p nowadays.
The post above regarding future spouses has one problem. Most men won’t know they have a fertility problem until they are trying to become a father. Maybe that’s something a man should discuss with his doctor when he’s approaching marriage.
One more thought. When we were dealing with my infertility, it was important for me to realize, and for my wife to support me in this, that I HAD a problem, but I WAS NOT a problem. The problem something about me, biologically, but the problem was not me myself.
Infertility is hard enough to deal with without adding a personal burden that doesn’t belong there. Love and support each other, and don’t let the spouse with a medical issue be made to feel like they ARE the problem.