Let’s face it: sometimes sex with our husbands just doesn’t seem that “hot”.
Now that may be because sex has just gotten boring. But sometimes there’s something more sinister at work. And I want to talk about that today, since it’s Wednesday, the day when I always talk marriage (and usually try to talk sex!)
I remember a conversation I had that opened my eyes to the extent of the problem.
Her face showed sadness and confusion. I knew she wanted to believe what I told her, but she didn’t see how it could be possible for her.
I had just finished speaking at a marriage conference where I had talked to couples about how to experience greater intimacy–specifically in the bedroom. “Say his name. Say I love you. Concentrate on him, not just on what you think is sexy,” I had told them.
And as soon as I was finished, this young woman made a beeline over to me. “I just don’t get it,” she said. “If I say his name, that completely kills the mood.”
To some of you that may sound shocking. It doesn’t to me, because I hear the same stories over and over.
Like far too many women, she had become trapped in a lie that our culture peddles: making love isn’t about intimacy; it’s only about physical fun. And when that’s what we believe, sex becomes shallow. It’s not about our husbands; it’s about fantasy.
I have often thought about that conversation in relation to Paul’s admonition to the Corinthians:
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. (1 Corinthians 13:6, NIV)
I’m not sure exactly what Paul had in mind when he wrote those words, but today, in 2017, what comes to mind for me is how we have so distorted the beauty of intimacy that we often rejoice in the opposite of intimacy, rather than in truth.
We live in a culture which has divorced sex from marriage.
And when you take sex outside of a marriage context, all you have left is physical pleasure. It’s not about feeling close to each other, or reaffirming a commitment, or building intimacy; it’s only about feeling good. And so many of us then get married and find that our spouses quickly lose their appeal. That’s not what’s sexy.
In Jeremiah, God warns us:
Woe to those who call good evil and evil good!
Our culture calls “good” intimacy evil: Don’t stifle yourself! Don’t be so uptight! Explore!
And our culture calls evil–fantasy and lust–good. Anything that helps you feel sexy is seen to be a good thing.
My email friend Jessica knows what that’s like. When she first wrote to me, she was newly married. She wanted to have a beautiful, intimate life with her husband, but almost as soon as they were wed she found out that he used porn. He was a Christian, but he told her, “I don’t look at any weird stuff. And we’re married now; we’re supposed to enjoy it! It’s supposed to be fun! It’s all good!”
So she started indulging with him. She felt so ashamed. She didn’t like it. But she had done so many things, and now she didn’t know how to stop. He had no interest in stopping, either. He became angry when she started to suggest that perhaps making love was really supposed to be about, you know, LOVE.
And now she was at her wit’s end. Should she keep sinning to keep her husband happy, or should she insist that they stop?
Jessica’s not alone. About 70% of Christian men are tempted by porn (though not that many use it on a regular basis). But women increasingly are tempted by it, too. And so many women have turned to erotica to boost their libidos, using the justification, “it’s my body, and I should be able to have fun with it. It’s good to imagine these things because it gets me revved up!”
And now, of course, the second 50 Shades of Grey movie has come out. How many women have flocked to watch that because it seems like a great way to boost their libido–but in the process they’re killing desire for their husbands. You start delighting in a fantasy that objectifies women, rather than delighting in intimacy. And then when you’re with your husband, you can’t get aroused by him without fantasizing. It’s scary.
We’re rejoicing in evil.
What is the truth? Like I showed in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, God designed sex to make us truly intimate on every level: physical, emotional, and spiritual. And here’s the neat thing: the women who actually enjoy making love the most are those who have been married for a decade or so and feel really close with their husbands. In other words, emotional and spiritual intimacy make the physical better. It’s a lie to think that ignoring spiritual intimacy makes sex more fun. In fact, it robs it of its power to connect us on so many ways.
How do we rejoice in truth when it comes to sex instead?
Realize that God wants to be a part of everything in your life–including in the bedroom. We don’t often think of God and sex in the same sentence, because we don’t like to picture Him knowing what we’re doing. But God created it just the way He did for a reason: He wants us to enjoy each other, and He wants us to feel close. That’s an intimacy like no other. And hot and holy can totally go together!
Get rid of erotica and porn from your marriage.
Watching porn together won’t make sex better; it will rob intimacy from you and actually rob you of the ability to enjoy your spouse. And it will take you further down the road where you’re closing off your heart to God, who actually is the One who can make you the most sexually responsive!
Ramp up your spiritual and emotional vulnerability.
True aphrodisiacs can’t be found in a store. They can only be found when the deepest part of it–the heart–is touched. When you become more vulnerable with each other, by praying together and sharing and talking, you’ll find that your desire for each other increases.
If this is a problem in your marriage, sign up for my FREE 5 lesson emotional connection email course.
Work through 31 Days to Great Sex.
The great thing about this book is that it doesn’t just help you to spice things up. It helps you to work on all three aspects of sex–the emotional and spiritual as well as the physical. And it helps you to have those conversations about porn and libido differences and keeping things really intimate.
It’s March 1, and so today is a great day to start. And, no, you don’t have to have sex everyday! Lots of the challenges are just to get you flirting more or talking more or becoming more affectionate (though there’s lots of sex, too, even in the first week!).
And, yes, it’s okay if it takes you more than 31 days.
But I took everything that I know and teach about sex, and divided it up into these 31 days, because I really wanted you all to be able to take the things that I teach and actually put them into practice. And this is CHEAP. I’ve made the ebook only $4.99 (it’s really underpriced). This is a full-sized book. It’s over 186 pages. (But normally you really only have to read like 3-4 pages a night. So it’s super easy to do!). Check it out here.
If sex doesn’t seem “hot” enough, then do something about it. Let’s reclaim sex for marriage, because married sex was always meant to be the best sex. And when we get things right, it will be!
Great article, today, Sheila!!
Thank you.
I loved the statements about our culture divorcing sex from marriage, and that the best sex comes from love and intimacy which means that often couples married a decade and more get that wonderful reward!
The world separated “making love” from “sex” long ago, but now, such as with these horrendous movies showing violence as pleasure, it have steeped so much lower. Perhaps if we stop analysing our sex based on the world’s false beliefs and trusted our hearts/souls so many marriages would be happier and realize they have all the good stuff right there!
Thank you for the concise points!
My hubby and I are hitting the big 10 years this year and I really feel like scales are falling from my eyes this past year in so many married areas and I am so excited to see what the future holds!
Yay! That’s wonderful!
One problem I had, induced by porn and masturbation habits, was that for me sex was to a big extent about the physical relief, about removing the physiological pressure. Something that helped change that, which we read about in websites supporting quitting porn addicts, was a thing called “Karezza,” basically meaning sex without orgasm. It can take many shapes and forms, and can potentially involve an orgasm for the partner who does not have intimacy issues.
Really enjoyed this today and wondered what your take would be on our situation. We worked through each page and activity in your 31 days book, but it just hasn’t changed anything for us. I have the higher drive than he does, and he just has very little desire and says it’s because of His age (30) which I have a hard time believing. We will have been married for a year in April and we’ve had SO much to work through, but after a lot of conversations and trying different things, the desire isn’t there and there’s nothing fun or good about it. Help? Any ideas on where we should turn? We’ve done counseling, and are willing to try it again. Thank you!
I think if your husband at age 30 has no desire for sex he should get his testosterone levels checked at a doctors. Also, there may have been abuse issues in his past or a porn issue. I pray it is a simple fix with low testosterone for you both.
Porn degrades women, it also gets men thinking that women actually like violent sex and perverse acts. Porn is linked to rapist and child molesters. And most of the girls/women in porn are trapped.
I’m loving what you wrote about sex being more than physical. My husband and I have been married for just over two years and now have two girls (15 months & 2 months) that have greatly disrupted our sex life. I find myself exhausted by 8pm while my husband wants sex every evening. I give him what I can but my heart just isn’t in it. And he knows it. So he turns to porn when he wants that “release” he doesn’t get with me. He knows it’s wrong but justifies it by saying it’s because I’m not being the wife he needs me to be. He figures if he works then I should provide whatever he needs at home.
I’ve been struggling with depression lately and I feel nothing for him. I keep thinking that if we could achieve intimacy the way we used to (before kids) then it would help us both.
Not sure if I just need to work on being a better spouse to him in this way or if we have issues that require a professional counsellor? Or maybe this season will simply pass? Any advice you could offer would be appreciated. Thank you!
Between facing depression, raising two small children, and your body likely still in recovery from delivering that little baby, providing “whatever he needs” every night is absolutely unreasonable. If he can’t handle such small periods of time without needing “release,” he has a problem that he needs to address. Especially since despite all your efforts to try and fulfill his needs, he appears to disregard his wife’s pain and loneliness. Those sound like signs of addiction.
Seek out friends, family, church, councilors, anyone who does value you and recognizes your hard work. You need the reminder that you are worth being loved and respected. I pray that your husband will come around and seek help, and realize just how lucky he is to have a wife like you.
I have been married to my husband for 5 years and we have two girls. In the past he cheated on me, at the most vulnerable times in my life. One was when I just had my first baby and he was looking online for sex. Second time I was pregnant with my second girl and I found text messaged between him and his co worker. Now the third time, my 3 year old said he kissed and hugged another woman. I asked him and he completely denied. Today I found he sent an email to one of the craigslist adds him talking with another woman. I am exhausted, angry and have no energy left in being in this relationship. I need out but I don’t have a job and I’m worried for he kids