When Making Love Doesn’t Seem “Hot” Enough

Let’s face it: sometimes sex with our husbands just doesn’t seem that “hot”.

Now that may be because sex has just gotten boring. But sometimes there’s something more sinister at work. And I want to talk about that today, since it’s Wednesday, the day when I always talk marriage (and usually try to talk sex!)

I remember a conversation I had that opened my eyes to the extent of the problem.

Her face showed sadness and confusion. I knew she wanted to believe what I told her, but she didn’t see how it could be possible for her.

I had just finished speaking at a marriage conference where I had talked to couples about how to experience greater intimacy–specifically in the bedroom. “Say his name. Say I love you. Concentrate on him, not just on what you think is sexy,” I had told them.

And as soon as I was finished, this young woman made a beeline over to me. “I just don’t get it,” she said. “If I say his name, that completely kills the mood.”

To some of you that may sound shocking. It doesn’t to me, because I hear the same stories over and over.

Like far too many women, she had become trapped in a lie that our culture peddles: making love isn’t about intimacy; it’s only about physical fun. And when that’s what we believe, sex becomes shallow. It’s not about our husbands; it’s about fantasy.

I have often thought about that conversation in relation to Paul’s admonition to the Corinthians:

Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. (1 Corinthians 13:6, NIV)

I’m not sure exactly what Paul had in mind when he wrote those words, but today, in 2017, what comes to mind for me is how we have so distorted the beauty of intimacy that we often rejoice in the opposite of intimacy, rather than in truth.

We live in a culture which has divorced sex from marriage.

And when you take sex outside of a marriage context, all you have left is physical pleasure. It’s not about feeling close to each other, or reaffirming a commitment, or building intimacy; it’s only about feeling good. And so many of us then get married and find that our spouses quickly lose their appeal. That’s not what’s sexy.

In Jeremiah, God warns us:

Woe to those who call good evil and evil good!

Our culture calls “good” intimacy evil: Don’t stifle yourself! Don’t be so uptight! Explore!

And our culture calls evil–fantasy and lust–good. Anything that helps you feel sexy is seen to be a good thing.

My email friend Jessica knows what that’s like. When she first wrote to me, she was newly married. She wanted to have a beautiful, intimate life with her husband, but almost as soon as they were wed she found out that he used porn. He was a Christian, but he told her, “I don’t look at any weird stuff. And we’re married now; we’re supposed to enjoy it! It’s supposed to be fun! It’s all good!”

So she started indulging with him. She felt so ashamed. She didn’t like it. But she had done so many things, and now she didn’t know how to stop. He had no interest in stopping, either. He became angry when she started to suggest that perhaps making love was really supposed to be about, you know, LOVE.

And now she was at her wit’s end. Should she keep sinning to keep her husband happy, or should she insist that they stop?

Jessica’s not alone. About 70% of Christian men are tempted by porn (though not that many use it on a regular basis). But women increasingly are tempted by it, too. And so many women have turned to erotica to boost their libidos, using the justification, “it’s my body, and I should be able to have fun with it. It’s good to imagine these things because it gets me revved up!”

And now, of course, the second 50 Shades of Grey movie has come out. How many women have flocked to watch that because it seems like a great way to boost their libido–but in the process they’re killing desire for their husbands. You start delighting in a fantasy that objectifies women, rather than delighting in intimacy. And then when you’re with your husband, you can’t get aroused by him without fantasizing. It’s scary.

We’re rejoicing in evil.

What is the truth? Like I showed in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, God designed sex to make us truly intimate on every level: physical, emotional, and spiritual. And here’s the neat thing: the women who actually enjoy making love the most are those who have been married for a decade or so and feel really close with their husbands. In other words, emotional and spiritual intimacy make the physical better. It’s a lie to think that ignoring spiritual intimacy makes sex more fun. In fact, it robs it of its power to connect us on so many ways.

How do we rejoice in truth when it comes to sex instead?

Realize that God wants to be a part of everything in your life–including in the bedroom. We don’t often think of God and sex in the same sentence, because we don’t like to picture Him knowing what we’re doing. But God created it just the way He did for a reason: He wants us to enjoy each other, and He wants us to feel close. That’s an intimacy like no other. And hot and holy can totally go together!

Get rid of erotica and porn from your marriage.

Watching porn together won’t make sex better; it will rob intimacy from you and actually rob you of the ability to enjoy your spouse. And it will take you further down the road where you’re closing off your heart to God, who actually is the One who can make you the most sexually responsive!

Ramp up your spiritual and emotional vulnerability.

True aphrodisiacs can’t be found in a store. They can only be found when the deepest part of it–the heart–is touched. When you become more vulnerable with each other, by praying together and sharing and talking, you’ll find that your desire for each other increases.

If this is a problem in your marriage, sign up for my  FREE 5 lesson emotional connection email course.

Work through 31 Days to Great Sex.

The great thing about this book is that it doesn’t just help you to spice things up. It helps you to work on all three aspects of sex–the emotional and spiritual as well as the physical. And it helps you to have those conversations about porn and libido differences and keeping things really intimate.

It’s March 1, and so today is a great day to start. And, no, you don’t have to have sex everyday! Lots of the challenges are just to get you flirting more or talking more or becoming more affectionate (though there’s lots of sex, too, even in the first week!).

And, yes, it’s okay if it takes you more than 31 days.

But I took everything that I know and teach about sex, and divided it up into these 31 days, because I really wanted you all to be able to take the things that I teach and actually put them into practice. And this is CHEAP. I’ve made the ebook only $4.99 (it’s really underpriced). This is a full-sized book. It’s over 186 pages. (But normally you really only have to read like 3-4 pages a night. So it’s super easy to do!). Check it out here.

If sex doesn’t seem “hot” enough, then do something about it. Let’s reclaim sex for marriage, because married sex was always meant to be the best sex. And when we get things right, it will be!