Does your spouse truly have a porn addiction–or does he just have a bad habit?
I’ve written a TON about porn use on this blog. It’s so destructive, and it wrecks marriages, and it changes your sexual response, and it’s just plain awful. It hurts the spouse of the porn user; it’s linked to human trafficking; and it objectifies and degrades both the user and the porn star.
In fact, I’ve written so much about it that I didn’t think there was much that was new to say.
Then my blogging friend Leah Grey sent me two posts that were just awesome. Leah is an unwitting and unwilling expert in addictions because of what she’s been through with her husband, and I think her perspective here is really worth listening to–and very freeing.
So today and tomorrow I’m going to run this series on how to handle a husband’s porn use. I think it fits well this week as we’re talking about how churches can support marriages, because this is such a big issue that hurts marriages. I’m so glad Leah shared these posts with us, and here she is:
Before anyone gets upset with me for being insensitive, let me preempt this post by saying I know how much it hurts to have your spouse “cheat on you” with porn. It’s beyond awful. It makes us feel like dirt. We can’t stop thinking about it. We unwillingly compare ourselves to their internet history, “Large chest and big butt?! But I have a TINY chest and NO derriere… He must not like me” or, if you’re a man it may go more like, “I don’t have abs! Obviously, she thinks I’m fat too. No wonder she’s looking at porn. She’s probably having an affair too”.
I know. I know how it feels. I’ve been there before and in ways, I wouldn’t dare tell you. For the record, the porn-perusing web history is not an indication of whether they like our bodies. In my opinion, it doesn’t look like us because if it did, our loved ones would be riddled with guilt.
“Porn addiction” is a term that gets thrown around often. Especially in the Christian community.
I’m in the “business of addiction”, I talk about it daily and there’s a question I think it’s time we ask: Is porn addiction on the rise or are we using the term “addiction” too loosely?
What Is an Addiction?
According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, addiction is defined as a:
“Compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance (as heroin, nicotine, or alcohol) characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; broadly: persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful.”
Interestingly enough, the word “addiction” doesn’t actually have one, agreed upon definition. If you look it up, you’ll find a hundred different definitions for the same thing. Why? Because let’s be honest, nobody really knows where habit ends and addiction begins until they realize they’re physically unable to stop.
What’s a Habit?
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary says a habit is:
“A behaviour pattern acquired by frequent repetition or physiologic exposure that shows itself in regularity or increased facility of performance, an acquired mode of behaviour that has become nearly or completely involuntary, an addiction.”
So, wait. By that definition, a habit is an addiction? Obviously, even Merriam-Webster is confused. If even the dictionary is confused, who really knows the difference between an addiction and a bad habit?
Addicts, that’s who.
In search of answers and to clear up confusion in the church community for Christians every-where, I went to the only place I could think of to get clarity on all things addiction-related, my husband. [Want to read my story? Check out my new series, “The Grey Diaries”. Excerpts from my personal journals showing my journey from small-town girl to the city of dreams only to find myself in a New York City nightmare!
My husband has been to both Christian and secular treatment centers for a long battle with addiction. Spending that much time around other people struggling with addiction brings a lot of clarity on misconstrued definitions. According to his educated-first-hand-experience with all things addiction and recovery, he estimates ninety percent of the people in treatment had a habit and not an addiction.
Ninety percent! Which means, there’s a lot of good people out there feeling defeated because they have an “addiction”.
[clickToTweet tweet=”When we call all porn use a porn addiction, we make people feel helpless. It’s a bad habit!” quote=”When we call all porn use a porn addiction, we make people feel helpless. It’s a bad habit!”]
Please don’t misunderstand me, a “bad habit” using pornography is still destructive to the individual and their relationship.
Regular pornography use contributes to sexual dysfunction, unhealthy views about sex, only climaxing by masturbation (That’s not good for a relationship!) not to mention the effect on the spouse and those are only a few of the negative effects of porn use!
All that said, I want to make a case of why it’s important to define whether your loved one has a true sex addiction or a destructive pornography habit because the way each is treated is different.
Your loved one may be believing they have a disease when really, they need to stop passing blame and exercise self-control
(Yep. I said it.). Satan is a deceiver and wants you and your spouse to believe the problem is bigger than it really is. Because he’s a liar. And wants to de-stroy your marriage. And hurt you in the process.
“…He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.” -John 8:44 (ESV)
What could be more devastating to a marriage than a sex addiction? I talk to spouses of addicts every day and can say without hesitation, the most hurtful thing in any marriage is sexual unfaithfulness, whether lust or infidelity. Spouses stay through alcoholism, cocaine, methamphetamine and heroin addiction but infidelity? That’s the one that will, “Break the camel’s back”. In fact, pornography has become so rampant and so destructive, even the liberated secular community is taking a stand against it.
With how destructive sexual infidelity is to a relationship, isn’t it possible Satan convinced you your spouse has an addiction, convinced them they have an addiction, and it’s all a lie intended to destroy your marriage?
[clickToTweet tweet=”What if your spouse’s porn addiction is really just a bad habit? Habits can be unlearned!” quote=”What if your spouse’s porn addiction is really just a bad habit? Habits can be unlearned!”]
How Do I Know If My Spouse Has a Porn Addiction or a Destructive Habit?
When I asked my husband what the difference was between a porn habit and a true sex addiction he said from his experience, a pornography habit is formed when a man (or woman) needs motivation for self-stimulation, they may feel a void in their relationship so they turn to porn, they lack excitement in some area of their life (Not necessarily in the bedroom), or it’s simply an old, bad habit they started when they were young and were not convicted on until later on in life.
On the other hand, he said when someone has a true porn addiction they cannot live without it. It’s all they care about, all they can think about and they won’t feel “normal” until they get it. He also pointed out a true addiction is progressive. Don’t forget that part, it’s very important! If someone is struggling with sex addiction they can’t watch the same thing over and over because it will no longer satisfy and they’ll need more stimulation. True sex addiction rarely stops with pornography, it’s simply not enough stimulation to satisfy an increasing need.
[clickToTweet tweet=”Do you know the difference between porn addiction and a bad porn habit? ” quote=”Do you know the difference between porn addiction and a bad porn habit? “]
This is not meant to be condemning, it’s intended to be freeing! Your spouse doesn’t need to keep living with overwhelming shame, thinking there’s something very wrong with them.
“And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” -John 8:32
A destructive habit is not the same thing as having a mental illness or medical disorder, it’s a learned behaviour and the good news is, learned behaviours can be unlearned.
God is in the business of fixing bad behaviour. Is it easy? No. Is your marriage hopeless? Absolutely not!
Love your spouse, encourage them to go to counseling and get to the root of the real, underlying issue. I also suggest they find an accountability person (Who isn’t you!) while you work on re-building intimacy. Christian marriage counseling is a great way to work on restoring closeness. When you’re ready, and it could take some time, teach them what healthy sex looks and feels like. This is a pro-active job. Being involved in the “healing” and “recovery” is more effective than nagging. Take the appropriate steps to remedy the problem and you can be happier, healthier and closer than ever.
“And the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” -Mark 10:7-8 (NIV)
You will bless your spouse by refusing to shame them knowing what you’re really up against is a big, fat, destructive, lie from Satan.
I Wish That Was True for Me, but My Spouse Does Have a Sex Addiction!
Addiction is not hopeless. I personally believe part of the reason people give into addiction is because of the messages we hear in the news and media.
- “Relapse is part of recovery.”
- “Once an addict, always an addict!”
- “Addiction is a disease, there is no cure.”
Baloney.
Not one of those statements line up with the Word of God. God says, He gave us a spirit of self-control (2 Timothy 1:7 ESV), if anyone is in Christ they’re a new person and who they were be-fore is totally gone (2 Corinthians 5:16-18 TLB), He lifts us out of our pit of despair, heals our diseases, forgives our sins and crowns us with love and compassion (Psalm 103:3-4 NIV). If you’d like to read more about God’s truth about addiction I wrote a great, big post about it called, “The Biggest Lie About Addiction (And why it’s so dangerous!)” Spoiler alert! The lie has to do with it being a disease. I know. Prepare yourself.
If you need help with substance abuse, addiction, mental health or recovery from pornography (Habits OR addiction!) here’s a list of my favourite resources for support:
Online Support for Pornography Recovery:
XXX Church
No Fap
Christian Treatment Centers:
Teen Challenge USA
Teen Challenge Canada
The Lighthouse Network (Help finding affordable Christian Treatment Centers- USA)
For Women Struggling with Pornography:
Dirty Girl Ministries
Support for Christian Wives of Addicts:
The “Live, Love, Hope” Community
Leah Grey moved to New York City full of hopeful aspirations until her husband went into long-term treatment for addiction. Unable to afford to stay, she picked up her childhood dreams and moved back to her rural, Canadian beach town with her two young children. From rooftop city skyline views to her parent’s basement, in the darkest time of her life, she created Grey Minis-tries to support, encourage and empower women with loved ones who struggle with addiction. With a practical faith-based approach, she challenges popular beliefs about addiction while teaching women in crisis how to find God’s peace within the storms of life. In March 2016, she launched her website, leahgrey.com and popular peer support community, “Live, Love, Hope”.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I have not personally been affected by bad habits or addictions, but I have encountered many who have successfully rid themselves of them. Some have been converts, and others lifelong Christians. I’d like to share what has helped these folks win their fight.
1) Talking to God and opening the heart to him through fervent, constant prayer [confessing the sin, asking for help in overcoming it and for help in growing to “hate what is bad” (Psalm 97:10, Amos 5:15)]; 2) confessing the sin to the congregation elders so that they may pray for the sinner and provide support; and 3) humility – it is essential in order to recognize you have a problem and admit it to God and those he has put in the position to help us.
A person may feel too ashamed to ask God for his help, but it is important to remember that God is “good and ready to forgive” (Psalm 86:5). He already knows the sins that have taken place, so why not accept his invitation to “pour out [our] hearts” to him? (Psalm 62:8)
On the other hand, a person’s conscience might be so hardened that they no longer feel remorse. They may know that they are doing wrong, but may reason that the other good deeds they do make up for the wrong. Such a person should meditate on scriptures such as these: Eccl 12:14, Proverbs 21:27, 28:13, Isaiah 1:11-16.
ln either case, the wrongdoer should sincerely pray for help. This way, s/he will receive “the power beyond what is normal” from God (2 Corinthians 4:7).
I’ll conclude with the beautiful words God spoke at Isaiah 1:18 –
“Come now, and let us reason together, saith Jehovah: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.” (ASV)
(If anyone is interested, and if it is allowed, I can share a link to some very useful info on the subject.)
This is excellent advice Marlene, thank you for sharing! Do you work in a field with many addictions?
I am a person who identifies as a true sex addict I have been recoverying from my addiction for 14 years. By the grace of God I am now living the dream. I have a beutiful wife who stuck it out and 3 wonderful children. I have a great life. Where I come from it is said I have a disease. In the last year my Pastor and I discussed this topic and he holds the opinion it is not a disease also. More recently I came to the conclusion that it doesnt matter. What matters is that I do what I need to do so that I dont go back there. Call it what you want. For me I know I will return regardless of how great I have it if I dont keep my faith in God and keep on doing what I need to do to keep me away from taking that path (I like the word sin here-that works). My mind is broken and only God and my work that I do on a daily basis will keep me from going back there and is going to keep me straight. In addition, the problem really isnt sex or porn. It is lack of spititual connection. Some like myself formed a false beleif at a young age that sex/porn fills in the physical emotional and spirtual needs we seek from God. Shelia has said it on this blog before. It is physical emotional and spititual. We have to have all 3 in line to be right with God. For me I would like to see more focus on the solution rather than the problem. I cant see getting all wrapped up in what you call it For some the word diaease might be helpful to take away the shame that feeds the hopelessness. For others they may use the word disease as an excuse. Languge is importnant. A person who looks at porn weather it is habit or disease or whatever you want to call it is a broken person and is lacking a physical emotional spirtiual being and has to do work to change themselves to become a giving individual who has a relationship with God. AMEN. 🙂
Well, first of all, congrats on your recovery! That’s really wonderful. I completely agree with you that anyone involved in any addiction whatsoever is lacking spiritual connection and covering pain. I supposed my thought is, I don’t believe we were born broken- we were born into a broken world and disease or not, God promises freedom for anyone struggling in the world’s brokenness. I do believe it matters what we call it because it’s part of finding our identity in Christ. I’ve seen my husband “give in” to the disease and also fight sin with a vengeance because he knows God didn’t make him to live that way. This may just be my story but either way, I’m so happy for your recovery and your family being restored! We need to hear more success stories like that 🙂
This is quite interesting. What I am going to do is remain open on the thought that it matters what I call my fallacy because it determines how I identify with Christ. Thats an interesting comment I will be exploring. I can tell you from a personal stand point that my past is the reason I have a strong relationship with God today. I accept Jesus Christ as my Savior. For me, my idenity in Christ is who I am today not what I did in my past. Thanks for your perspective
Thank you too, Phil. I’m encouraged by your story, it’s important to share your success with others and share your experience. Your identity was always who you were in Christ, but like the rest of us, you just so happen to be human. God bless!
Hi Leah. I just couldnt let this one go. I made multiple phone calls to freinds of different resources on all this. As I mentioned this came up a year ago and I am still obviously processing it. Here is what I found out about the origin of the word disease and addiction. Back in the early 1900’s a couple Doctors decided to call a certain addiction to alcohol a disease so people could get medical treatment in hospitals etc. As you indicate, the translation to many such as myself has lost its original meaning/purpose. So people go around saying they have a disease when actually they have a self inflicted spirtual death as you indicate 3/8/17. So that was the easy part. The hard part left now is the biblical side. I have an understanding that God didnt create my addiction or that I was not made broken etc. . I also see the perspective that some people need to see what they are doing in a different light. Sheilas last post to AC helps me there too. Some may be addicted. Some may have a habit. Some may just be a person with poor values. Whatever it is they just need to stop! I guess now I need to dive into more of this idenity in Chirst topic. I made my statement that my identity in Chirst is who I am today not what I did in my past because I agree with you that I was spiritually dead in my active addiction. What relationship/idenity did I have then? Anyway I have more work to do. All this being said thanks again for helping me move forward on this topic. I do still hold my opinion so far….but I am thankful to see it in a different light. Peace
Phil, I’m so glad, and thank you for participating in this conversation! You’ve added so much, and I appreciate the journey you’re on and your honesty. So encouraging, too.
Based on this article, which does make a lot of sense, I suppose what I used to have was a porn habit, and not a porn addiction. In a certain way that feels bad, as I feel I should have started fighting with it, and gotten rid of it, earlier than I did.
Not at all, my friend. Please don’t feel bad. Habits are not easy to break and when you entangle sin and lust into the habit- It’s like trying to put out a fire with a bottle of water. You can’t fight an enemy without knowing what it is you’re fighting. You didn’t know and now you do. There is NO condemnation for those who are in Christ. We have all given into sin- ALL of us. Some things are harder to break free from. You did! That’s awesome!! Be proud of yourself because God has never thought one bad thing about you.
Wow, this is a kind of a confusing post:
After years of Christian media proclaiming that all pornography use is addiction in varying degrees, is Leah Grey now saying that “porn addiction” is really just “sexual addiction” and that only a minority actually struggle with sexual addiction? Too many nuanced assertions to be useful here.
Recently, the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT), founded in 1967, released a historic statement about sex addiction asserting that it:
1) Does not find sufficient empirical evidence to support the classification of sex addiction or porn addiction as a mental health disorder, and
2) Does not find the sexual addiction training, treatment methods and educational pedagogies to be adequately informed by accurate human sexuality knowledge. Therefore, it is the position of AASECT that linking problems related to sexual urges, thoughts or behaviors to a porn/sexual addiction process cannot be advanced by AASECT as a standard of practice for sexuality education delivery, counseling or therapy.
Sex, like cocaine, is a stimulant. People become addicted to the feeling. You’re right, there is no “proof” sex is a true addiction just as there is no “proof” addiction is a disease. Based on the definition of a sex addiction, I would classify porn addiction as the beginning stages of a sex addiction- what else could it be? I personally believe sex addiction is as real as cocaine addiction (Also, not totally accepted to be a truly addictive substance). Either way, the truth is, there’s a spirit of perversion that comes along with sex and porn addictions unlike any other addiction in the world. Dr Grant Mullen, a very well-respected mental health expert, says sex is the only addiction that comes looking for you. Which makes it a real instrument of the enemy to break up and destroy families. Think about it- it comes right into the home! Addiction or not, we need to believe there is freedom in Christ.
Love your comment, Leah! So true.
A very brave post – praying for you!
I agree with the broad strokes here, well stated and accurate from what I’ve read. I’ve known a very few folks I’d say were addicted to porn, but the vast majority have a habit, not an addiction.
I agree it matters. Calling it an addiction when it is not only makes it harder to get free.
Thank you, Paul! It’s never easy to “change the conversation” about things. I appreciate the prayers and that you took the time to share :)!
You listed a bunch of reasons why porn is hurtful and bad, but you forgot the most important reason: it is a sin and separates you from God.
That’s very true!!! I agree 🙂 I think that comes out in part two! lol
Thank you for this post. I find it helpful. I’ve always thought my husband’s problem was probably more of a habit than an addiction. But I’ve always wondered how to know for sure. He HAS gone beyond porn use at times in his life though. But once his behavior was brought into the light he has only stumbled a time or two. I would expect a much rougher road with an addict. God has done a great work in our marriage, and He’s not done yet!
You are so very welcome! I love to hear success stories, it gives so much hope! I love how you said that God has done a great work but He isn’t done yet. Isn’t that the thing? He isn’t done yet in any of us! Thank you for sharing!!
Oh, isn’t that wonderful, AC! I think the main thing is that when we see that it’s a habit, it’s empowering to quit. It doesn’t sound like you’re defeated before you even start. And like Leah says, that’s not even a biblical way of looking at it!
I’ve been free of a porn habit for two years now. I went to a support group and counseling. There was so much talk about addiction and I didn’t feel like I was addicted. I had to leave the support group and lighten up on myself and just choose to stay away from porn. Once I stopped focusing on having such a dramatic problem like an addiction it was so much easier to walk away from porn. I have not looked back and my connection with my wife is so much more true and rich. I’m sad for the years of intimacy I missed out on with her but am looking forward to build a new life of intimacy with her.
That’s wonderful, Adam! Thanks for sharing your story.
Hi, Adam! God specializes in restoring, rebuilding and making painful experiences into beautiful things. My husband and I have never been closer. It took a long time for healing, and in many ways, we are still rebuilding but it’s so worth it. You will get back what you lost and then some- hang tight. Your marriage will be blessed more than you could dream because you’ll have this story to share together. Be patient with her and let healing happen in its own time. Congrats on your recovery and thank you for sharing your story!!!
Good post! I think I would go further and say that the addiction language is just not useful at all. For example, I used to smoke, for a while quite heavily (40-60 cigarettes a day). Everyone would agree I had an “addiction”. But when I wanted to stop I just stopped. There are always all kinds of reasons why a particular person can’t break a particular habit/addiction/whatever.
Me: I am battling bad habits. I am trying to get through lent without looking at any porn (I managed September-Christmas so it is possible!)
David
Love that, David! Thank you!
I used to smoke too, David. Not heavily but I smoked for about fifteen years. I would say I was “addicted” but not to the cigarettes. I was “addicted” to the break it gave me in the middle of my work day, the habit of having a cup of coffee in the morning with my cigarette, the way it made me feel like Audrey Hepburn at a party, how it gave me something to do when I was angry and got me away from the tense situation for a moment (thereby giving me a false sense of calm!), or how easy it made hard social situations for a shy girl. It’s the same thing with porn. Figure out what it is it’s doing for you and you’ll be able to walk away. No one said breaking this stuff was easy, it’s just worth it!
Oh yes all that! I still occasionally “smoke” a pencil even though I packed in 20 years ago. Good point to figure out the equivalents for porn. That is often missing from discussion: as well as being a habit, I like it and I enjoy it. Thank you I shall ponder.
Lots of great points in this post! Two that I’d like to comment on:
1. “Your loved one may be believing they have a disease when really, they need to stop passing blame and exercise self-control.”
This is such a great point! So much of the discussion (and so much of the “discussion” isn’t really discussion at all) about porn gets into hysterics, from both men and women. You’re calling it as it is for probably 99% of individuals. It’s just behavior. We are responsible for our behavior. We can change our behavior.
2. “What could be more devastating to a marriage than a sex addiction? I talk to spouses of addicts every day and can say without hesitation, the most hurtful thing in any marriage is sexual unfaithfulness, whether lust or infidelity.”
I would add sexual unavailability to lust and infidelity – or perhaps it’s just another flavor of infidelity. I’m absolutely not saying that this would justify habitual porn use, but marriages are complex systems and you can’t move one part off center without expecting adverse results elsewhere in the system.
You’re right, Jack sex is important! lol very. A healthy marriage has two healthy people who come together and do healthy things. Unfortunately, so many people get into a marriage with one, or two, unhealthy people (and by unhealthy, I more mean unresolved baggage!) and things just don’t work. None of it is an excuse for bad behaviour but honestly, everyone I’ve met and talked to who has struggled with pornography has had an underlying reason. There is ALWAYS a pain. Once they find the pain, they can work on the pain and get back to being in a healthy marriage doing what healthy people do 🙂 Thanks for piping in! Do you work with addicts?
Leah, thank you for your post and for addressing this issue head on. First, to let you know where I am coming from, I have been in recovery from a full blown pornography / sexual addiction for just over 3 years. For about 6 years, I called my addiction “a bad habit” and by not treating it as an addition soon enough, I destroyed my wife’s trust which lead to an eventual divorce even though I did finally get into real recovery. (I wish l had done it sooner, we would have had a better chance at healing our relationship.) The material that my mentor, Michael Leahy, founder of Bravehearts, walked through with me states that addictive behaviors are:
1. Repetitive (at least 2 years),
2. Degenerative (progression to more dangerous, and damaging)
3. Unmanageable (can’t stop on your own)
4. Medicative (used to change feelings) and
5. Destructive (relationship, finances, legal).
If you or your spouse is trying to decide if you have a bad habit or an addiction, I suggest taking the “Sexual Addiction Screening Test” offered on http://www.bravehearts.org
This is a wonderful article. My husband was using porn for a significant time and the frequency was increasing. After 15 years of marriage, I just discovered it 9 months ago, when our marriage was truly struggling.
He insisted he was not addicted and could quit on his own, but I struggled to believe him. He was able to quit cold turkey with the grace of God.
Your statements are exactly what he went through. It was a stress reliever for him during a time when he should have turned to me. Things are not perfect now, but we are definitely going in the right direction. Thank you.
Thank you for your comment! I’m glad to hear that you’re on a path to healing. Stories of recovery are SO GOOD for us to share!!!!!
I thought I was the only one who was certain that calling porn use an addiction is messed up. Thank goodness I stumbled into you all. There is one other danger I would like to bring up, and that is: calling porn use an addiction gives the person doing porn something to hide behind, blame and claim to be helpless against. It becomes a weapon and an excuse, ie: “It’s an addiction, I can’t help it.”
Our society has erroneously embraced the phrase addiction and a lot of people are making a lot of money claiming to be able to help a person with their “porn addiction.” Jack, your comments “Your loved one may be believing they have a disease when really, they need to stop passing blame and exercise self-control.” and “It’s just behavior. We are responsible for our behavior. We can change our behavior” are so validating to me, especially coming from a man! Thank you! Thank you!
My husband has been using porn on and off his whole life. He isn’t making any progress and I believe it is partially because of calling it an addiction. It’s a choice. He makes a conscious decision to use porn and gratify himself. Nobody forces him. Porn isn’t a “thing” that comes after you. Although it is readily available, you have to seek after “it.”
We’ve been to professional counseling, counseled with clergy, read books, attended seminars and programs and on and on until I’m just done with it. It’s ridiculous. Well meaning people will tell the injured spouse that it’s not personal. Trust me, it’s VERY personal to us! His porn use has absolutely destroyed our marriage, our family, my self esteem and sense of value. Our poor daughter is the one who discovered what her father was up to on more than one occasion. My poor children…
His use is not because of stress, trauma, childhood issues, job losses, a need to escape, financial issues…we all have those. We need to quit trying to put it in a package and label it. We need to stop trying to make it make sense or fit into some psychological model. I maintain that people use porn because they like it. That simple. If they really wanted to quit, they would. There isn’t a pattern–they do it when things are going really well, really bad and every stage inbetween. It’s a bad habit or an obsession NOT an addiction. And boy did we REALLY mess up telling supposed “porn addicts” that “slip ups are part of recovery.” We might as well hand them a lifetime free prescription to the Playboy channel.
I think we have to be very, very careful comparing porn use to drug use. There are significant differences! A person who is addicted to drugs, is taking in a chemical/substance that the body doesn’t produce naturally. This chemical/substance wreaks havoc in the body and triggers an 800% release of dopamine and other “feel good” chemicals. They experience excruciating physical pain when they go through withdrawal and cravings. Going through drug rehab with my son, I learned that the pain from withdrawal is the most physically painful experience a human can have, which is why they stay trapped in the addiction. They will do anything to avoid that pain even knowing they can die from an overdose. In contrast, sexual “activities” release only 100% of the “feel good” chemicals! You won’t die from a porn “over dose” and you don’t have physical pain. Comparing porn use to drug use is, again, giving them something to hide behind and use as an excuse so the behavior can continue and they can escape blame, accountability and responsibility. It contributes to the idea that porn is almost impossible to stop using.
They will never get better as long as we coddle, give them excuses and continue to make it seem like it’s so much harder to stop than it really is.
Enough. Seriously. Just stop! Please.
Wonderful comment, Carol, and I’m so sorry for what you’ve walked through in your marriage. This really stood out to me: “I maintain that people use porn because they like it. That simple. If they really wanted to quit, they would.”
Sin is enticing, isn’t it? But we have to fight it. And too many people won’t even get in the ring and try to fight.
Hi, Carol! You made me laugh when you said, ” And boy did we REALLY mess up telling supposed “porn addicts” that “slip-ups are part of recovery.” We might as well hand them a lifetime free prescription to the Playboy channel.” That is SO true!! I have to say though, not all drugs ARE addictive! Cocaine and pron have the SAME effect on the brain and they’re equally “addictive”. Cocaine has no withdrawl and it’s basically a totally unaddictive substance. What is addictive, is the feeling it gives them. Heroin (opiates) and Meth are really the two “addictive” substances and one of those is administered MOST buy the medical community (oxy, anyone?!)). Although our loved ones can’t die from porn use, addiction is progressive. They can die from STD’s from affairs. They can get into real trouble as their addiction turns to sicker things and even pedophilia. I’m with you 100% about not codling- they don’t need our pity. They need our help!
Just wanted to say, that XXX church filter above – It doesn’t work. We tried it and he got around it. Try Accountability2U instead. It records search terms and if you are the password keeper, and accountability partner, its a big incentive for him to NOT hurt you anymore with these secrets and lies. At least for now.
Thanks for that, Edith!!! I’ll check that one out 🙂
I believe you are definitely on to something GREAT here! I’ve read countless books and articles about porn “addiction”, thinking all along, I’m not an addict. And so minimized my problem by putting myself in another category rather than with the guys with real problems.
Seeing this as a habit really fits and identifies the “truth”. Satan uses the addiction idea as a permanently cursed label with this porn problem and that there are mysterical brain misfires in my head that are too complicated for the average guy too handle.
Thank you, thank you, thank you what a great message.
Fellas, open up to your wife, be accountable to her and especially other men. Put down the lube and practice a little self control and let’s break this HABIT!
Thank you, Wayne! I’m not sure if you’re still struggling with this but you’re right in everything you say. Open up. Even if it hurts her, she would RATHER the truth. We love our men through many things but lying is often a dealbreaker. Someone said to me once that they “have grace for the struggle but not for the lies”. I think that’s exactly true. We know it’s a struggle. We know it’s not easy. But it CAN be done. Quitting anything doesn’t happen overnight but it certainly can happen over time 🙂 Hard work, honesty, Holy Spirit and grace!
I find sex and porn addiction deniers a dangerous voice in our Christian community. Who specifically says, “Relapse is part of recovery.” and “Once an addict, always an addict!” and “Addiction is a disease, there is no cure.” – I can’t find those phrases in the “news and media” and I can’t find scholarly references to them either. They are myths and should be treated as such, especially by those touched by addiction of any kind. Recovering addicts know full well, those are cop-outs used by those who are trying to avoid recovery.
Addiction recovery methods that include healing of the mind, body and spirit do in fact work. I’d like to refer you to the faith based program, Pure Desire. Their understanding of the neurology of porn and sex addiction is enlightening the Christian community and providing healing resources for all those affected by this compulsive behavior.
Please don’t encourage the message that addiction recovery treatment isn’t helpful to those who want to change. It is.