How do you go about overcoming jealousy and getting over your spouse’s sexual past–or obsessing over his present?
Dealing with our loved one’s sexual baggage is a huge part of many people’s relationships today. On Mondays I like to take a reader’s question and take a stab at answering it, so let’s start with this woman, who is haunted by her husband’s history of casual sex:
Reader Question
I just got married a few months ago and my husband has had more of a sexual past than me and I’m having a hard time! I can’t understand how people can have casual sex. He is an amazing man and so good to me and my children from a previous marriage. Somehow his past keeps coming up and it makes me sad that he wouldn’t respect himself enough not to sleep with any woman that offered.
We both were married before. He got divorced because his wife cheated with men and women. I got divorced because my ex husband was abusive. We went to premarital counselling. One day there was a couple leaving before us and he was staring at the girl and as soon as we walked in he said, “I don’t know if this is the right time to say anything, but I dated that girl. Nothing serious, only three dates.” I felt really uncomfortable. I asked if he had sex with her. He said he had. I was devastated! I can’t go to that counsellor anymore. How could he go on 3 dates and have sex? I don’t know how to heal I don’t know how to move on! I don’t want to ruin a great marriage over stuff that happened before he knew me. I pray all the time!
I understand how hard it must be to know that your spouse has treated sex this cavalierly.
So let’s look at overcoming jealousy and moving on.
Part of the marriage vow is agreeing that the past is the past.
The revelation about the husband having sex after three dates came out before she married him, and it came out because the husband was trying to be honest. If you’re agreeing to marry someone, then you’re agreeing to accept their past. You can’t marry someone and then hold things over his head that he can no longer do anything about.
If you can’t live with someone’s past, then don’t marry that person. Once you have married them, then the only right thing to do is to offer forgiveness. If you can’t do that, then it is not their past that is ruining the relationship; it is your attitude.
I know that’s harsh, but I see this dynamic where people think, “I’m so good and he’s so bad; how can I live with that?” But at that moment, you’re the one who is being bad. If your husband has repented and is trying to live right, and you can’t forgive him, then you are the one who is in the wrong and you are the one who is acting in an ungodly manner.
Part of the marriage vow is also deciding to be his biggest cheerleader
Maybe it’s not his past that is causing your mind to flip through all kinds of horrible scenarios. Maybe it’s his present. He works with women and you’re worried they’re flirting with him. He gets texts from female coworkers sometimes and you’re worried that he likes them.
And the worry keeps you up at night.
Now, if you have reason to worry, because he’s been secretive, or flirty, or he’s had affairs in the past, then that’s a different story. But I get email after email from women who are desperately jealous because a woman is doing something wrong but her husband is not. And she works herself up and gets mad at him–when he’s been acting appropriately.
She’s sabotaging her own marriage!
But how are you supposed to overcome jealousy, then?
This woman says that she prays. That’s great that she prays. But God doesn’t only ask us to pray. He gives us something specific to do.
When we pray, we ask,
“Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil, for yours is the kingdom, the power, and the glory.”
What is the power that Jesus refers to in the Lord’s Prayer? It’s that the Holy Spirit is living inside of us, transforming us. But this doesn’t happen passively. This happens as we take action. And what action are we supposed to take?
In 2 Corinthians 10:5, Paul writes this:
We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.
Overcoming jealousy involves taking every thought captive.
This is an active thing. That verse, and what it means in marriage, is the bedrock for my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage.
Are you GOOD or are you NICE?
Because the difference matters!
God calls us to be GOOD, yet too often we’re busy being nice. And sometimes, in marriage, that can actually cause problems to be even more entrenched.
What if there’s a better way?
Thoughts may enter our head, unbidden. We may remember: “he slept with someone he only went on three dates with.” But what we do with that thought is entirely our choice. And simply praying about “God, please let me let this go!” is not enough. You have to actually decide to let this go. That means that when the thought enters your head, you choose to reject it. You demolish that pretension that is setting itself up against your marriage. You say,
Yes, he does have that past. But he has turned from it, he has married me, and I made a vow to him, knowing his past. So I will choose not to think of it, but to concentrate instead on how much he loves me today.
And then you consciously think of some specific way that he loves you. And you choose to think about that. When you pray, it is not to dwell on all the things that your husband did in the past. It is to ask the Lord to bring to your mind all the wonderful things that your husband does now.
There is nothing else to do to overcome jealousy. There is no magic formula.
God will not just wave a wand while you obsess over your husband’s past choices. You must first walk in obedience to God’s direction: take every thought captive and choose to change your thoughts. And as you change your thoughts, you will end up changing your feelings as well. That is how change works. That is how God made us.
It’s your choice–will you do it, or will you continue to be upset about it?
So now let’s look at the scenario if it’s flipped: What if you’re dating someone who doesn’t seem able to move on?
I personally know that hurt following a breakup but I’ve never really carried it into a next relationship. But I’m wondering what effect the feelings from a past relationship can have on the future of a present relationship, especially when both partners have a long term commitment at heart. One partner hasn’t really sorted out the feelings from a past relationship. Not necessarily that he’s still in love with the ex, but he hasn’t seem to have gotten over the nostalgia of the memories from that relationship. And still he wants to go out of his way to avoid anything that will make him come in contact with her. I think the feelings haven’t fully been processed. How long do you think it would take for complete healing?
I think it takes until the person has made a conscious decision to take every thought captive and to examine it in the light of Christ and His will for our lives. And if it is obvious that the previous relationship was not God’s will, and if he believes that this new relationship is God’s will, then he has to choose to make his thoughts line up to that.
Part of the marriage vow is also deciding to be their biggest cheerleader.
I realize that taking thoughts captive is not an easy thing.
I have had such a hard time getting my thoughts to line up with what I know God wants! I’ve had to battle through grief after my son died. I had to battle through break ups. I had to deal through some periods of major anxiety.
But practicing the presence of God and taking every thought captive is a discipline that you simply have to learn. You have to learn not to constantly relive old memories and nurse old loves. You have to learn to put the past behind you. And the only way to learn is through practice!
So I’d say to this woman: be careful of committing to a man who has not worked through feelings for an ex. Go very slowly. Explain the concept to him of taking every thought captive before Christ, which means examining your feelings in light of what you know is God’s truth for your life, and helping your feelings to conform to God’s truth.
That’s it. That’s what overcoming jealousy and getting over past hurts takes. I wish there were an answer which was pain free and which was easy, but there isn’t. And now God is asking us: are we willing to take every thought captive? Until we are, our relationships will really never be whole.
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
Have you ever had to struggle to put something behind you? How did you do it? Let me know in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I loved your response: “, “I’m so good and he’s so bad; how can I live with that?” But at that moment, you’re the one who is being bad. If your husband has repented and is trying to live right, and you can’t forgive him, then you are the one who is in the wrong and you are the one who is acting in an ungodly manner.”
Galatians says the fruit of the flesh is jealously, dissensions and envy. So maybe she needs to be working on her own sin issues instead of his past forgiven sins that God no longer counts against him.
Absolutely right, how can she expect God to forgive her for much worse, if she cannot forgive her husband.
And she has done much worse, when we sin against the God of the universe our guilt is much more than anyone who sins against us.
It is interesting how she cannot understand how he could sin in that way. It is as if she thinks somehow his sin is so much worse than hers. But, let’s look at that list in Romans. Only one is sexual sin and the rest of the list include a lot of things I am sure she is guilty of and Romans lumps those sins all together. They are all just as bad.
Sometimes we want to act like sexual sin is the worse thing ever and that people involved in sexual sin are so much worse. Well, the Bible shows us that none of us is good and we are just as bad because all the garbage that goes on in our hearts is just as much an offense to God.
The list in Romans 1:29-32
wickedness, evil, covetousness, depravity, envy, murder, strife, deceit and malice. They are gossips, slanderers, God-haters, insolent, arrogant and boastful; they invent ways of doing evil; they disobey their parents; they have no understanding, no fidelity, no love, no mercy, NKJV includes unforgiving,
Although they know God’s righteous decree that those who do such things deserve death,
Look at that list: arrogant, boastful, no mercy, no love, gossips, strife, covetousness
It lumps them there with sexual sin and murder and says people that are arrogant, boastful, have not mercy and love deserve death.
2 Tim 3:2-4
For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God,
Let’s look at that list: unforgiving, unthankful, unloving, proud, haughty
So, my question is who is she to judge her husband as how could he be so bad?
I don’t mean to be harsh to her. But this is a pattern among some Christians that I am starting to see that we are so disgusted by the sin of the world instead of seeing them as people God loves and that God wants them to turn from their sin and towards Him just as we did. The Bible say for such were some of you, but you were washed – we did not clean ourselves, He washed us but we were the same way.
Our hearts need to break for the sins of others not be self-righteous and disgusted by others failures.
Amen! I’ve struggled with everything on that list and still do at times. Sometimes we need a blunt word to kind of snap us out of it and bring us back to the reality of our own sins. We need to remain humble. Thank you for your comment, I needed to see this today.
I love your answer, and this is also how I got through a lot of junk I brought into my marriage: Prayer + Action. Honestly, I tried prayer alone, but I was ignoring God’s answer to me of “Hey, I’m here, but you have to do your part!”
If I may, I’d like to offer just a teeny bit of insight on the question of how someone could mistreat such a precious, intimate experience like sex in their premarital days, because that’s kinda my story. Of course I don’t know the answer for this husband, but my answer was that (1) I was empty and looking for something to fill me and (2) I learned to compartmentalize the physical aspect of sex. It’s only when I experienced the fullness of sexual intimacy in marriage the way God intended that I realized just how foolish I’d been. I’ve heard this story from others: Once they commit to their beloved and experience godly sexual intimacy, all that stuff from before just doesn’t begin to compare. At this point (20+ years later), I feel like the woman who did all that was an entirely different person. And I guess she is, since “if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” (2 Corinthians 5:17).
Sometimes it’s best not to know the whole story. Maybe next time the first writer runs into someone her husband dated in the past, she shouldn’t ask if he slept with her. My husband made some bad choices before we met. I know about them, but I don’t know all the details. If I knew everything, I would have more of a battle in my mind.
Of course, it’s different when a husband is sinning currently. In that case a wife needs to know so she can take the necessary steps.
COMPLETELY agree, Ashley. For two reasons. First, if you get out of the habit of asking, you get out of the habit of wondering. And second, if you stop asking him, you stop reminding him of the others he’s slept with!
I often find that when girlfriends/wives ask their boyfriends/husband all these questions it’s because they’re not over it themselves. They’re obsessing, and it’s coming out in the form of, “I just want us to be honest with each other.”
But also agree that it’s totally different when there is a current problem.
When we got engaged I told my husband, “all I want to know is do you have an STD or children?” He said no to both. I was a virgin, he never said. I always inferred that he probably was sexual especially with how quickly he initiated physical contact with me. But not knowing for sure saved me a whole lot of battles. Recently, he let it slip that he was sexually active at one point in his young adult life. It felt a bit crushing, but really, it is so far in the past. So far and not happy memories.
I disagree. It needs to be discussed before marriage. You have to know the character of the person you’re marrying. That necessitates talking about things from your past that you regret and what you’ve learned from them.
You’d never dream of marrying a man without discussing pornography use, if it ever was a problem, how long ago it stopped, what steps did he take, etc. A sexual history is no different.
You have both the right and the obligation to find out everything about a person before you marry them. You are choosing your children’s father, not just your spouse.
Pretending that sexual history won’t impact your marriage if you don’t know about it is foolish.
I don’t think that’s what Rebecca meant, though. Here’s what I would say: let’s say that your husband, as a teen and a guy in his young twenties, slept with 10 women. Let’s say that at one point he even had a threesome when he was drunk. Let’s say that he tried some really wild things with one woman in particular.
Now, the question is, how much do you actually have to know? I’d say that knowing any details about a threesome, or knowing WHAT wild things in particular he did, is not particularly helpful to anyone.
Here’s what I’ve told girls in that situation: You need to know the rough scope of what he did and how it affected him (physically, emotionally, and spiritually). You especially need to know if there is any chance of STDs! You need to know if he has had any weird emotional entanglements with any of the women since. But do you need to know what sex acts he did with each woman, where he did them, and what they were like? Do you need to know the size of the woman’s breasts, or how skilled she was?
My rule of thumb is that you don’t need to hear details that you can picture, but you do need to know the scope and breadth of the issue. But details that you can picture are rarely a good idea for anyone. Does that make any sense?
No, certainly not details, but you do need to know the general scope and sequence of sexual history and whether they’d make different choices if they could. Some people actually think casual sex before marriage is a good thing or not that big of a deal as long as they settle down eventually.
Deciding not to interact socially (or professionally) with someone you had sex with (or close to it) is a no-brainer, too. But some people actually do that after they’re married, thinking it’s no big deal.
YES. I made the mistake of asking for so many details (I am a virgin, my fiancĂ© is not). In particular I asked about all the details around his having sex for the first time with his high school girlfriend and I truly wish I had not asked. It was actually very sweet and innocent, which made it worse, ironically? I guess because it seemed like it was a special, sweet moment he shared with someone else. If you’re in a good relationship, your guy will be open and honest and answer all your questions but really it just gives you images in your mind that make you feel worse. Honestly, I think it’s better not to even ask for a number because then you’ll just end up obsessing over who each person is. I agree, Sheila, you should ask about general scope and breadth and what he learned / how his past sexual experiences and relationships have affected him, and what that means for your relationship but anything you can picture, you don’t need to know. I know it can be SO tempting to ask and keep digging deeper, thinking that if you just know every detail that will somehow give you peace of mind, but, from personal experience, it does the opposite.
Thanks, Kat, for confirming that! And I do hope that you’ll be able to get past this when you’re married. You really can, because he chose YOU!
I would guess that what bothers her is not so much his past, but that he has a history of sex being casual and without emotional intimacy, and now is trying to believe that sex in their marriage is somehow about love and intimacy. So, if this makes sense, she forgave him for those things, but now struggles with the reality that sex just might not mean intimacy to him, if he could engage so easily with someone he barely knew. It is likely affecting her sexual response even though she didn’t think it would, since she “forgave” him. It’s still a matter of taking every thought captive, as you have said, but it does leave you with the question, “Is it just sex, to him? Or is it now something more? If it is just sex, how do I deal with that?”
For myself, I have just chosen to believe that, however casual it was before, what we have now together is different for both of us, and means more to him than the sin he indulged in in the past. Either way, we have a commitment to each other that he didn’t have with, or make to, his previous lovers, and I choose to believe it means more to him because of that. It’s hard, though. No denying that! Especially since I came into the marriage a virgin, and have no frame of reference for how “normal” I might be, sexually, but he does. That’s not a comparison I want either of us to think about or make, but it is a thought that arises. Anyway…. Taking all those thoughts captive is a job, but I guarantee my husband has to overlook and choose not to think about my failings as well!
Exactly if he would engage in sex so casually before how is it different with her ? Is it just sex? What makes it different?
I don’t think asking is always a bad idea. I am someone who would rather know.
I do think that, before you marry someone, all the sexual history needs to come out and be worked through. There’s a huge difference between “we dated” and “we dated and had sex.” It’s wise for the first woman to either find another counselor or explain why they cannot be scheduled immediately before or after her husband’s ex-girlfriend. If she didn’t know about their sexual relationship, she wouldn’t know to take that step. Yet it’s an important step to take.
I also think it’s important to exert effort to work on the jealousy AND to keep your husband fully in the loop. “I’m working really hard to believe you when you say you love me fully and have no feelings or desires for anyone else. But the doubts creep in.” Don’t pretend you aren’t having the doubts and worries. Let him know things he can do that reassure you. Let him know when certain behaviors reinforce doubt, too.
I think people that have not had causal sex can’t understand it . Christians or not I don’t understand causal sex at all. I am a Christian and I sin of course but sex is a VERY big deal and I can’t comprehend causal sex at ALL. So I can see how it makes her sad and is very hard to accept. I wish I knew how to accept it as well!! Sex is becoming to causal all together it doesn’t hold the huge deal that it is anymore. It’s totally acceptable for friends to have sex and still be friends and everyone hang out . Sex is supposed to be with someone you love in Gods way period! I just can’t understand and I don’t think at all I’m better than anyone at all I just don’t get the causal sex! If you have causal sex then what makes it different when it’s with someone you love ? How can you share something so personal with someone you don’t know or love !???!!!
I know, Vikki! But I think a lot of people are just really hurt, and they try to stuff down feelings, etc. It is super sad. I think if we see it from God’s point of view–which is being really sad for people who are lost–it helps. Otherwise I know I can get in the habit of getting actually angry and superior, and that really rarely helps. I just try to think of how much people must grieve God but also how much they’re missing.
I struggle with forgiveness and moving on. We fortunately don’t have any sexual baggage, but I definitely have issues with my MIL. I try to take the thoughts captive and I’ll feel ok for a while but then something happens that brings up all of the old feelings.
Is there hope that someday I won’t hate her anymore or will I forever be stuck in this cycle?
I am not sure if this is helpful but i also was and sometimes am struggling with a host of emotions when it comes to my MIL. We are so completely opposites in our mindset it drives me crazy on so many levels. But she is not sinning (doing most things different than I would do, I am a minimalist, very logical and practical – she is super sentimental and emotional plus has a hell of a past growing up in poverty, orphanages, abuse) but I was convicted in my heart that my feelings towards her (self righteousness and pride) are sin. I needed to repent and actually ask her forgiveness for my coldness towards her. The things that seem to drive me crazy are not the issue, like there is no right or wrong way, just different ways of doing things. After repenting I still had to keep dealing with my thoughts, not just stopping the negative ones but replacing them with good ones. Asking the Holy Spirit to pour His love into my heart. In the process it became clear that a few things needed to be addressed but there was a clarity that enabled a respectful manner of addressing those issues instead of the emotional mess I used to think and not even know what the problem underneath is. we are not best friends but I can say that we appreciate each other even though we often don’t get the way the other is doing things…
That’s such a great example of what I’m talking about, Lydia! I love it. And I pray that you two will keep growing in your relationship.
Oh, that’s hard! I know that you can get over bad hurts. But it is easier if you have had some sort of conversation about it. If that’s not possible, then I think time and making the decision to move forward and not dwell on it really does work.
Having done a good bit of premarital counseling and pastoral counseling with married couples, let me say this blog post is pure gold–so well done Sheila! We need to address this in premarital counseling, as you insist, and then, after marriage, your prescription is, in my experience, exactly the right one. What a great post for a common challenge!
Thank you so much, Gary!
Sheila, you made several good points in your response but there is an additional angle I think is important to cover.
An important phrase in your response is, “If your husband has repented and is trying to live right”. You may have more information, but I can’t tell from the question if that is the case or not. This is something that should be established before marriage but this wife needs to deal with the situation she is in now.
I think it’s vital that the wife is assured that the husband recognizes his casual treatment of sex in the past was wrong and damaging. And that they can work together on dealing with results of sin in their lives and any worries it may cause for her.
If they have not already, they should discuss and possibly seek counseling for things like:
What needs was he seeking to meet in his life with sex outside of marriage?
How does his past promiscuity affect his view of sex and temptations now?
What safeguards is he taking to maintain sexual integrity and exclusivity in their marriage?
How does he handle ex-flames?
Can he provide assurance that when they are together he is not comparing her with or fantasizing about others?
Does his past of being cheated on cause him to worry about her faithfulness?
There is undoubtedly healing they both need and it will be so much better if they feel like they are on the same team seeking healing together. This will require that she is not attacking and accusatory in her questioning but loving and grace filled.
Kevin, I would agree with that wholeheartedly, and I have written other posts on what to do when you have a reason to be jealous. I just wanted to show this other side today, because with this man what I see is someone who is trying to be honest. I think if they’ve worked through his past in pre-marriage counselling (which it sounds like they did), then she has to decide at some point to let it go. I’ve just seen this exact scenario in so many women that I know, and the guys are honestly trying. And it does no good to these poor men who are trying to live for Jesus to have their wives always bringing up the things they did in the past. I’d absolutely agree that they have to make sure they’re on the same page with what sex means to them, but then at some point she has to decide to let it go. I’m not sure how he can ever fully assure her, for instance, that he isn’t fantasizing about someone else, because that’s really up to her to believe.
I guess my point is this: If she has any doubts about this, then don’t marry him. Those doubts may be coming from a very real place. But at some point, once you are married, you’ve got to move forward, because there really is nothing that he can do to prove that he isn’t thinking about all those other women (now, there’s lots that he can do to show that he IS thinking about those women, and if he’s doing that, that’s an entirely different story that would fall into the posts I’ve written about scenarios like that). But if you can’t marry him agreeing to put the past behind, then it’s not fair to marry him at all, I don’t think.
Great article. I have a question, though.
My husband and I got married about six months ago. We discussed his past (mostly) before marriage. I loved him more than his past, and I forgave. I want it to be gone completely, no longer needed to be spoken about, etc.
The thing is, a woman from his past works at the same place he does. Actually, I work for the same company as well – it’s quite a large organization. However – he has seen her on occasion. He never speaks to her, and he tells me (as far as I know) when he sees her/when she tries to talk to him.
My question is – can we/I still move on from his past if this happening? Even if it is just every few months, won’t it bring up the memory? Or when it happens, do I choose to not let it bother me, and move on, again, and again, and again?
We’re both considering new career opportunities – I’m 22 and he’s 28 – so we have a lot of life ahead of us. I just want us to make the best decisions, and I don’t want HER to be the reason we/I change careers.
I’m just wondering if this will always be a continual problem – or if it’s only a problem if I allow it to be.
There’s nothing I want more than to move on, which I understand is largely in my court – but it’s not easy to do when the chance of this happening everyday is a possibility.
Thoughts? Advice?
If nothing else, I’d take a prayer.
Thank you!
Hi B, I already said a prayer for you! 🙂
I would say, though, that it’s only a problem inasmuch as your husband lets it be a problem. If he doesn’t really talk to her or respond, then I don’t think it’s a big problem. He’s moved on, he’s married you, and that’s his life now.
But if he hasn’t moved on and if he is seeking her out–then it’s a problem. But I don’t think it necessarily is. It’s really dependent on what your husband does!
For me personally, as long as he isn’t engaging in conversation with her (outside of what is necessary for his job) and only sees her occasionally, I wouldn’t want to know that he saw her. It would only stir up my imagination. I understand wanting to be totally honest with each other, but if nothing is happening, I’d rather not know.
Yes, I think that’s healthy!
If you ask counselors who work with couples trying to rebuild after an affair, they’d tell you to seek other employment. Prevention is better than clean-up. You shouldn’t leave because of “her.” Leave because your marriage is worth it.
It’s easy to think “it wouldn’t happen with us.” Make it so.
I am struggling with thoughts of my husbands past. In this example you mention that she knew before marriage and decided to marry him which means forgiving his past. I agree with this. I, however, did not know about his past. I thought I did because he had told me some things which were very hard to hear, but later (7 years into the marriage) learned that he had felt burdened all those years because he had not told me the “whole” truth. His history was very different from what he had told me in the beginning. I was a virgin and feel so overwhelmingly used and unvalued that he married me without revealing the extent of his past. He says he didn’t want to hurt me, but I value honesty so much, and he knew that about me. It’s hard for me to trust. I feel like a fool. I have been trying to not think about it (obviously) but I have lately been woken up in the night with terrible images of what he did. It’s like I thought I knew him but now I don’t know if I do.
Any advice appreciated.
Thanks,
I have a slightly different situation and am really struggling for a way to handle it. After I married my husband, I found out that he had a long-term (3+years) casual sex relationship with someone. I have not been able to resolve this in my mind. I keep thinking “How could he be with this woman all that time, and have sex with her, yet not love her?” It is really tearing me up. And, I also keep thinking, if he did that with her, how is our relationship any different? I feel that having sex means nothing to him. Any advice would be welcome. Thank you in advance.
I didn’t know the full breadth and scope when we got married. I believe him when he says he doesn’t compare me to her/them, that it’s me he loves, he wouldn’t trade me for them, he doesn’t fantasize about them.
But… any advice on how to stop comparing *myself*?
I can’t get over my husbands ex “sex buddy”. I knew her. We all worked together. My husband was sleeping with her, no feelings attached, before he and I got together.
It’s been 6 years and I’m still bothered by it. The thought of it and imagining them
Having sex together rips me apart. I want so badly not
To obsess and move on. I don’t think there’s hope for me. I keep dwelling on it…
I was hoping that Sheila would have some advice for those of us who found out AFTER we married that our husbands had casual sexual relationships.
That’s actually a great question, Ann! I may use that for my reader question on a podcast soon or in a post, because it is a different situation that is much trickier.
Yes, what if you found out his history after you had been married for 12 years? And it didn’t happen before you were together. You had been engaged and broke up and then ended up getting married 5 years later…and the other sexual relationships happened during that time with people you know and some old friends of yours?
I understand how it happened and forgive him. I do not feel feelings of jealousy, but more feelings of hurt because I knew these people and really cared about some of them…and some of them I still have to see on a weekly basis at my children’s activities. I’m having trouble dealing with how to see their faces without it bringing all the hurt back into my heart. Any thoughts or suggestions?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this and that he didn’t tell you until now. If you’re struggling with this, it may be worth speaking to a counselor about figuring out what are appropriate steps forward. I hope you are able to find a way to have peace, whatever your decisions are, and that the hurt and pain begins to fade with time.