Is being in a marriage where you owe someone something really such a bad thing?
Every Friday I like to leave you with one thought to take you through the weekend. Today I thought I’d take a step backwards for a minute and examine a cultural trend that I see that proclaims that everyone should have the freedom to do what they want.
Is that really such a great thing?
Sheila’s Musings: Loving Someone is Not a Burden
Many of us long to live in a world where we shouldn’t have to do anything for anyone else. We set the course for our own lives; we decide what paths we will take; and nobody should have the power to derail our dreams. Freedom is our rallying cry!
What I can’t figure out, though, is why freedom is so great. So many of us are so busy proclaiming our autonomy, saying “you can’t make me do this,” that I wonder if we’ve ever stopped to question whether being beholden to someone is actually such a bad thing.
Modern day feminists, for instance, cry that no man should be able to tell a woman what to do, and that no woman should twist herself in knots to get or keep a man. Instead, she should seek to fulfill her dreams, and any guy who wants to tag along had better adapt.
Yet speaking as a woman who is greatly in love with a certain man, I have to wonder why it’s so bad to want to please him? What’s wrong with wanting to make the house nice for him to come home to after he’s been on call for thirty-six hours straight and he’s exhausted? What’s wrong with doing his laundry? After all, he gives great foot massages, and he contributes more of the income! But even if he didn’t, isn’t it nice, sometimes, to have someone to fuss over?
I don’t do these things because I have to; I do them because I want to. I know some would call me an oppressed wife, but I don’t think those people have ever really experienced the joy of a give-and-take relationship. Besides, he cleans off the car for me, takes out the garbage, and figures out how my Bluetooth device works. It’s a two-way street.
It’s not only feminists telling women that they should never change for men, though; a new cohort of young men has concluded that they don’t need relationships, either. One night stands might be fine, but commitment is out of the picture. In fact, one man in a very open relationship once reported to me that he was as happy as he could imagine; neither of them made any demands on the other, and because of that the relationship was perfect.
Five years later that relationship is long gone, and I often wonder if ultimately they would have been happier if they had made demands on each other—demands that they stay faithful, do things together, be nice to one another, forge a life together instead of just side by side.
When we focus our lives solely on what we want life becomes rather shallow and awfully erratic. We can never achieve real intimacy with anybody, whether friend or significant other, for when we don’t make or accept demands, nothing can be permanent. And if nothing is permanent, we can’t be vulnerable. We can’t really open up. Sure, you may be able to pursue surface things, but what about our deepest needs to be accepted, loved, affirmed, and cherished? Without vulnerability and transparency, which can only come when we do make demands on each other, real intimacy can’t be achieved.
Loving someone isn’t a burden; it’s a privilege.
Sometimes we should do things we don’t really want to do. Sometimes we should let someone else set the course. True love, after all, whether it’s with a sibling, a spouse, a child, or a friend, is so much better than autonomy. And, in the end, it’s far less lonely.
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
It’s important to keep your sex life healthy in your marriage. This week’s top posts have some great information and points on how to accomplish this goal!
#1 Post on the Blog: 10 Things That Surprised Us As Christian Sex Bloggers
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Effects Of Porn On Your Brain, Your Marriage, And Your Sex Life
#2 from Facebook: How To Keep A Healthy Sex Life With Teens In The House
#4 from Pinterest: Experiencing Spiritual Intimacy While You Make Love
I’m in Texas Right Now…
I spoke at Bethany Lutheran in Austin last night, and now Keith and I are heading down to South Padre Island to do some birdwatching before driving our RV back home to Ontario for Easter!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I remember a university philosophy prof year (and years *ahem*) ago talking about freedom.
He pointed out that every choice we make reduces our freedom in some way.
Choose to buy jeans? lose the freedom to spend that money on a movie.
Choose to have the apple pie? lose the freedom to have brownies that night.
Choose to marry someone? lose the freedom to “date around” and see who else is out there.
The question he suggested we ask ourselves was, “Is the freedom I’m giving up worth it, to have the thing I’m choosing?”
For the record, the choice I made 20 years or so ago was worth it. 🙂
I love that! That’s very wise.
I think that when both partners are selfless that both gain their greatest (mortal) support, cheerleader, and teammate. (Like the idea above, I’m trading no strings for a forever teammate.)
I may not be able do anything I want on my whim, but I have the boost that my husband will back me on all my dreams and ambitions. It is comforting that even if I fail he has my back. It means I can be free to do things I wouldn’t without support.
I hope that my spouse feels the same, and that we build each other into more of what we can be.
Basically:
Thee lift me and I’ll lift thee and we’ll ascend together” -John Greenleaf Whittier
To commit and choose one partner for life is actually more freeing than living without commitment. If you committed to one then there is no more need to wonder or worry about the what ifs… You choose to love this person and live life together, build a family, dream together. Together you can accomplish so much more than by yourself. The greatest freedom comes from the greatest commitment, a huge yes from our creator that when we answer it with a yes leads to true freedom. We need to be anchored in this rock solid God of Love. Living a self centered life is one of the biggest lies of this time…. Just imagine the confusion to be enslaved to constantly proof yourself and keep up an image (even just to yourself) never knowing that you are truly loved as you are, unconditional, forever. Knowing that this love won’t change actually sets us free to become who we are meant to be. Choosing one person to spend your life with allows you to fully throw yourself into it and achieve something you never could by scattering a bite size piece of love or intimacy here and there.
Anyways, I will never call myself a feminist… The spirit behind the whole movement is just wrong. The few accomplishments they made are far outnumbered by the destruction and confusion this movement has brought.
YES!!! I totally agree.
The worship of freedom and self-fulfillment is the same reason so many people don’t want to have children, because children cost a lot in terms of time, energy, money, and in just about every other way. The best things in life, though, always cost the most. If you never do anything that causes you to sacrifice yourself in some way, you never really achieve anything of value. Love is ultimately about sacrifice (as Christ shows us on the cross). If you can’t sacrifice, you never really love, and a life devoid of love isn’t much of a life.
I think feminism is being slightly misrepresented here. As I understand it, it’s not about bashing the people who want to be committed to someone else while celebrating those who want to “go it alone.” It’s about having the ability to even make that choice in the first place. Feminism IS indeed against “men telling women what to do”, but –at least in modern Western societies– if you are a married woman homemaker, chances are you’re doing that of your own free will, not because a man told you to. So I’m not really seeing that commitment and the freedom to make choices are at odds here. …?
Choice doesn’t seem to be the main point anymore:
http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/rendezview/sarrah-le-marquand-it-should-be-illegal-to-be-a-stayathome-mum/news-story/fbd6fe7b79e8b4136d49d991b6a1f41c
She’s not the only one saying such things…
Well, that is indeed alarming. However, I don’t know that I’d be confident in saying that Sarrah le Marquand’s opinion is representative of feminism as a whole. Especially since this article is Australian; I’m in the US, so I can only speak from a North American perspective. Things may be going a different direction over there — I don’t know. Regardless, she makes a false dichotomy in saying that “feminism is not about choice, it’s about equality.” Actually, it’s both. Equality is what makes choice possible. Historically, wherever people have been marginalized because of race, color, class, or anything else, their power to make certain choices for themselves has been limited, as well. The two go hand in hand.
Sheila, check out the book “men on strike”. It is actually very well thought through and well written.
Interesting post, Sheila. I have often heard people give marriage advice saying “The best thing is to have zero expectations.”
On one hand I understand the point of not coming into marriage with pre-conceived notions that are never spoken outloud (the husband should do the oil changes, wives should cook supper, we’ll have x number of kids or dollars in our savings acct), but on the other hand, there’s no relationship in the world that doesn’t come with expectations.
I have expectations of my parents and they of me. I have expectations of my friends, bosses, employees. I even have expectations of strangers I meet on the street (like they won’t yell obscenities at me or they’ll yield to me if I’m in the cross walk). So to go into marriage with “no expectations” is nonsensical.
And as you said, knowing and fulfilling the expectations or desires of a spouse can be truly rewarding.
Beautiful post Sheila.
I tried on a dress at a store that my husband just felt was too revealing. BTW, I dress modestly and did not feel it was inappropriate.
But he just said nicely, that he would rather I did not get that dress because he was uncomfortable with how much skin it showed. So I said OK I won’t get it if it makes you uncomfortable.
And do you know when this came up in a conversation some women were saying that they would never let a man tell them what to wear and control their body, and ranting on and on.
My husband does not “control” what I wear, but really we can’t just do simple acts of consideration for the person to whom we are married?
Totally agree! It’s like being giving is seen as a bad thing. There’s a huge difference between willingly changing what you do to please someone and being controlled by someone. I’m sorry that people can’t see that difference.
Commitment is a sign of strength. I love being able to depend on my husband and he on me. I love our life together even when it’s gets rough. I’m not sure where I would be if I couldn’t be vulnerable with him. No one can be strong all of the time and to me committing myself to someone allows me to be vulnerable. It’s no different from our need of God. When we are weak He is our strength. I feel the same about marriage.