How do you recover after the heartbreak of a divorce?
Today I’m happy to introduce Lauren McKinley, the founder of Her Soul Repair, who is telling her story of healing after her husband’s affair and her divorce. She has such an amazing testimony of God’s healing.
I’m actually back in my RV down in Austin, Texas (It’s 80 degrees here with a nice breeze! I am SOOOOO happy!), getting ready to speak tomorrow afternoon. So I’ve lined up some awesome writers to share with you as I get settled in down here again.
Here’s Lauren:
For those of you who’ve followed me for awhile, you know the nitty gritty of my story and where I stand present day. If we have not yet connected, hello and thank you for reading! For my full story, head on over to amazon and give my book a read! As for now, I will give you a brief synopsis so you can have some background on just how I have the insight to share what you’re about to read.
At the start of 2013, the unthinkable happened to my picture-perfect marriage and family. On paper (and from where I stood) we had it all. The love, the kiddo, the faith, the fun, annnnnd … turns out, the affair. Well, didn’t see that coming! With any hardship that comes your way in marriage, one must decide, will you fight or will you give up? For us, I decided to fight and he decided to give up. And after two and a half years of on my knees prayer and pleading for restoration, our divorce was final.
Finding healing after heartbreak
As harsh as the divorce was, God always, always gave me the steadfast reminder that this was, in fact, HIS will. We all know that divorce is not how God intends marriage. At the same time, He didn’t intend it to be an emotionally abusive relationship with an affair and double life. My encouragement for those of you in that time of limbo is to pray from the depths of your heart to “let Thy will be done.” There’s nothing easy or smooth about divorce, but sometimes it IS the Lord’s way. Saint Therese of Lisieux says it all, “Perfection consists in doing His will, in being what He wants us to be.”
During the two and a half years of fighting, praying, and healing there was a lot God did to restore my heart. The support I had from family and friends was huge in the blow of divorce not destroying me. Their continual encouragement, my deep grieving, and God’s supernatural hand really partnered in making me whole again. In hindsight, this was preparing me for a beautiful future, better than anything I could have ever imagined. Now, I don’t say that lightly or to be cliche. I had my doubts that I would ever find love again. I couldn’t wrap my mind around why someone would want the damaged. Even in the healing, triggers would come and I would second-guess trusting again. What if he came home later than expected? Would I always assume he was cheating? How jumpy would I be about his cell phone? And what guy would actually sign up for these issues? Then there were the depressing and disheartening doubts … Will I ever connect with someone in the ways that I did with my first husband?
Deciding my past would not define my future.
There were so many hypotheticals to surrender if I was ever going to continue my life in a healthy fashion. Had I let them, the hypotheticals would have weighed me down hard. In my healing, day by day, I chose to not let the hypotheticals win. My past was not going to define my future. It’s incredibly freeing when you give your future that chance. I took the chance on a new love. And a new love I found. All of my fears were quieted by his refreshing demeanor and stable confidence. The start of our love was exciting, yet guarded. When you go through the trauma of an affair and divorce, cynicism will creep in. Yes, you know the depravity of humanity and yes, you know what sin can do to a marriage, but you don’t have to let the skeptic stay too long in your mind.
You must keep your focus on the chance.
You gave your future the chance it deserves, don’t self-sabotage. Yes, things will come up and they will trigger really hard emotions and insecurities. The first time I experienced a trigger from the past in my new relationship, I thought for sure, my now husband was going to bail. But guess what? He didn’t. He understood, of course, I feel the way I do after everything I went through. And the next time it happened, it phased me less. Yet he was still understanding and reassuring. Our love was stronger than another man’s mistakes.
God’s blessing through my second marriage
Why second marriages have such a stigma I am not sure. All I see is what God protected me from. God spared my heart from a marriage to a man who didn’t respect me or our covenant. What I can share with all of you is the hope of a wonderful square one. My second marriage is a true dream come true. An unceasing love of me for him and him for me. Our marriage and family have never looked sweeter. I joke that God often tells me, “I am real sorry for all you had to go through, but hey! look at what you have now!” If you’ve experienced the devastation of divorce, please know that life will go on. It will go on restored and rebuilt in a beautiful way, a way you never dreamt or imagined. Promise me this, though, give your future the chance it deserves. Cope with the triggers as they come, but don’t give them too much handle. Embrace the bliss of starting your life over. Let it be all the beauty you deserved the first time and then some.
Have you experienced brokenness in marriage that God has used to show His blessing? Let us know your story in the comments below!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing the sweet, redeeming truth of a second marriage that is blessed by God. I am so grateful for the amazing, breathtaking wonder of the relationship I share with my (second) husband. It is more than I knew to ask God to grant me and I am SO grateful!
Amazing reading.
Im so glad our God is a God of second chances. And I’m so grateful that after 16 years in an emotionally abusive relationship where he cheated on me many times, with many women, that I got my second chance. My second marriage is amazing. And God has blessed my husband and I with a child that is coming in July. My ex-husband couldn’t have children. I am so grateful every day for the amazing life I have now.
That’s wonderful!
Beautiful story. And speaking as someone who is the second wife to a great guy that was cheated on (my first marriage), I’m definitely thankful that God does allow those second chances after that kind of heartbreak.
I can’t believe you actually think getting divorced and remarried is a gift from God, I think you forgot to read your bible. “Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery”.
I am sorry what you went through but don’t try to make excuses, it’s pathetic and blasphemous to say God approves a second marriage… What God would actually approve is for you to remain unmarried until your ex-husband dies and then you can marry again.
Wendy, I’m sorry that you believe that, because I think you’re condemning people to heavy burdens that God didn’t mean for them to carry. I explain in this post at greater length. Let’s remember that Rahab was a prostitute who went on to marry and be part of Jesus’ lineage. And Lauren didn’t even sin–her husband did! Anyway, I explain more about the meaning of remarriage in Jesus’ days in that post.
Wendy your comment is based on not understanding what “putting away “ means. This verse refers to men who would cast away their wives for ridiculous reasons like being a bad cook (They were actually allowed do that!) Then they refused to give their wives a certificate of divorce. A woman was not allowed to give a certificate of divorce. Only the men! Therefore the put away woman was not free to remarry or to be provided for by another man. If she did get involved or live with another man she was committing adultery because she was not legally divorced. God allows remarriage if a woman divorces for scriptural reasons which include abandonment and adultery.
Wendy, has n the future please be careful about condemning others withou a thorough understanding of the scriptures.
Wendy, the Bible clearly says that marital unfaithfulness is indeed a valid reason to end a marriage and divorce. You are also forgetting the forgiveness that all Christians receive through Jesus. There are always second chances for God’s children. Telling someone they deserve to be alone until their former spouse dies is not only unkind, it is highly judgmental and is not Biblically sound advice.
Amber, 44
From one Wendy to another, Matthew 19:19 is so clear and directly from Jesus’s mouth – “I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery”. How you can overlook that and say that is unbiblical beats me. Christ himself knew the pain of being cheated on and allowed people to remarry in this circumstance. How terrible to say to someone who has been cheated on that they cannot experience remarriage and happiness while their ex-partner has gone off with someone else. Christ gives people a choice in this case and that is fair in my opinion.
Absolutely, Wendy!
As bad as it feels you are right. I was married and divorced. I was and still am in a relationship of 17 yrs but I didn’t wanna get remarried. So I was living in sin. Well I found Christ stopped the sexual part of our relationship and wanted to get married before God. Only to find out we cannot. We have children and this heartbreaking and Christ KNEW it would be. And backbin those days if the women had no husband she has no means of support and she would be without any means to take care of herself. So now we are praying and seeking advice. But this may have a very sad end wing. He is a reviving addict and found God and got baptized and now our trials and tribulations start. We have to choose Christ over each other. 😔🙏🏻 Pray for us please . This really is the worst day of my life so far…
That what I was worry about. I have ask so many people , but I get different answer. God say until death do use apart. .
Thank you for sharing your story. God doesn’t want sin and betrayal for us but He is faithful and will not let the opportunity to bless us pass by. I hope many are encouraged today by your post.
Jesus said, “The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance [to the full, till it overflows].”
JOHN 10:10 AMP
http://bible.com/1588/jhn.10.10.AMP
Beautiful story and I am glad everything turned out good for you. It really made me think. I am not the best husband my wife can have. She deserves much much better. I haven’t cheated on her physically but i have in my heart. I’m ashamed of my porn addiction and I have confessed to her about this before. Now I try to fight it everyday. I thank God that He is helping me to get out of this because it’s horrible sin that is so tempting. Anyways I have thought about divorce many times. Not for my sake but for her.she deserves better and sometimes I think that if I could divorce her maybe she could find something much better. I wouldn’t get married again. I would try to restore my life and then spend the rest of my life in prayer and fasting if God would grant me that grace but I wish for her to be as happy as you are. Reading this I guess divorcing because of that then shouldn’t be wrong. Maybe it is even the right thing to do.
I’m so sorry that you’re trapped in such an awful place! But rather than push her away, why not really work at breaking the addiction? That’s what God really wants for you. To divorce so that she can be happy sounds noble, but it really may just be an excuse to be able to continue what you’re doing. You know what you’re doing is wrong. You know you need to stop. Focus on that. Get some accountability. Talk to a pastor or join a Celebrate Recovery group. Do what you need to do!
Thank you for your answer and for not condemning me.
I will continue to fight altough it’s not easy. You have many resources in the state. And a lot of christians and Christian organizations. I live in a very secular country where the majority of christians don’t care about sin. I have confessed to my pastor and to other leaders but they haven’t been so helpful. They just say “yeah that’s bad. I will pray for you”. But no more help then that. There are no recovery groups and no help. If you want professional help it costs more than a months rent just for one or two sessions. So I am on my own but I have God and have to continue to try.
I will continue to fight and even if we would get divorced I would because I need to be free for Jesus. I guess I just wanted to now if that was a sufficient reason to divorce without it being sin. I mean it’s sin from my part but she is free to go so if she would ever want to or I would like to see her more happy then we could divorce and she would be off the hook. That’s what’s important for me.
Thank you for your answer
That is really, really hard. I’m so sorry! I wonder if there are online groups, though, that can help you? I know Covenant Eyes has a great 40-day recovery program for porn that may be worth trying. And they may have some online support groups, too. Why don’t you check that out? I can see how terribly difficult that would be in a country where there aren’t good Christian resources.
Again, I really think you need to stop thinking about divorce and start thinking about how to deal with your problem. Put all of your energy there. Even if she does leave you, you still need to deal with this issue. This is huge. This will wreck your life. So stop giving her the excuse to leave and start taking responsibility. I know it’s really, really hard, and I so hope that you can find some help. But nothing will happen until you decide that you are going to focus 110% on getting right with God and doing the right thing. I will really pray that you find some help!
Thanks for your advice. I will try to not focus on divorce. I heard a sermon once where they said that we shouldn’t open the door for divorce because when marriage gets tough it will be easy to take that door.
Yeah it is hard and sad. The country is Sweden and sadly it’s such a sinful place that we christians barely see what is sinful and what’s not. And we are to afraid to talk about it. I am trying to find strategies to handle this and of course praying to God. I want to fall in love with Him and love Him with all I am and my neighbour to. Jesus says that the whole law is fulfilled in that so I pray that u will love God and my neighbour (my wife) so much that I won’t do it anymore. Thank you for your advice. God bless you and your ministry
A beautiful article. I find it encouraging and helpful as there’s a lady I like who is recovering from divorce (from before she found Jesus) a couple of years ago. Feels like God is encouraging me to be patient and let her come through it.
I don’t know all of the details, but I do feel that God is saying that he allowed the divorce so that she could walk with Jesus and be the woman he has created her to be. (Of course I don’t agree with divorce willy-nilly, but this happened and God is using it beautifully.)
Your story gives me hope! I am currently separated from my husband who has decided to give up on our marriage. Come to find out more of the truth, thanks to God’s unveiling his sin, my husband has been having an affair with a co-worker and is choosing her over me and our 4 kids ( 1, 3, 5 and 8). I want want to fight for our marriage but he does not. Through much prayer, I have reached the hard decision to file for divorce. He is emotionally abusive and spending our marital money on himself and her, jeopardizing my children’s future as well as mine. I wasn’t the perfect wife but I was a good wife, who was loyal and faithful and loved him. I had my own struggles with self-esteem and dependence in our marriage but I am focusing on God, His word and my children. Your story gives me hope that as long as I focus on God’s will, I to will be blessed with a real marriage and a man that will truly love me and see me through God’s eyes. I admit I have the same fears you had of never finding love again.
I just came across this blog. And it means alot it gives me hope. But I cant lie I am petrified, now to think I have committed adultary. I am a part of, well one of the worst generations on the planet. Run by multiple partners always faithful ik n a relationship, but cheated on and abused physically and emotionally by everyone I’ve committed to, even who I married. But that didnt happen til after. I spoke with a pastoral counselor even the woman who married us, and prayed alot but I’m still not feeling joy on this subject. Most joyful I’m away from him, but not about moving forward, can anyone help??
Chelsea, I think the key is not to worry about another relationship. That shouldn’t be your focus. Your focus should be YOU and becoming the kind of person you were meant to be. You say that you’ve been abused by everyone you’ve been with, and now you’ve committed adultery. That’s a huge mess, and I can understand why you’re so lost. But please–don’t worry about men right now. Worry about yourself. Take time and just learn to pray and listen to God. Make some good friendships. Volunteer at something and make a difference in the world. Let your soul be fed, and feed others. Let Jesus change you. And only then will you be healthy enough to think about another relationship. First things first, and the first should be you!
I am glad that you have had a second chance and that you have found such happiness and Joy. What a blessing a great marriage can be. I know you didn’t say always but I do believe it was implied, that in these words “please know that life will go on. It will go on restored and rebuilt in a beautiful way, a way you never dreamt or imagined”. Restored and rebuilt in a beautiful way could mean many things, but I have found it does not mean that God will bless everyone like you have been blessed. It also doesn’t mean remarriage is part of God’s plan nor does it mean any quality relationship other that one with God and His Son Jesus is assured. I know that has the greatest eternal value and I am grateful for God’s care, it is important to understand that sometimes God doesn’t replace what we lost with something better. I am writing in reference to a physical relationship. Sometimes he simply says my grace is sufficient. End of Story. It has been 25 years since I experienced your 2013 experience, I know God Loves me and cares for me and that means so much but it may mean he does not plan on an agape relationship.
This statement “There’s nothing easy or smooth about divorce, but sometimes it IS the Lord’s way.”In this statement… you are adding emotionally to scripture…your heart is building a theology that contradicts the truth. Divorce is never the Lords way and there is nowhere in scripture that would support this. Make sure that your feelings and experiences match up with Gods word!
Well the problem, Wes, is that sometimes divorce IS God’s way. God himself issued a divorce between himself and Israel (Jeremiah 3:8). As well, Jesus says that there are times divorce can happen without it being a sin (Matthew 19:9).
Sheila is not the one making blanket statements about scripture here–she’s saying that there are some cases where divorce is necessary.
Sheila is not pro-divorce. She’s pro-marriage. But when someone spits on the sanctity of a marriage covenant and uses it as a weapon, sometimes divorce is the only safe option. And when people say lies like “divorce is never the Lord’s way” is a reason some people stay in abusive marriages and put themselves and their children in harm’s way–because they’ve been told a lie about who God is.
Rebecca – I love your response here – and I totally agree and it helps my peace with my future – I’m really disappointed with others that purport themselves to be Christian- yet wish for others a life of continued damage by staying in abusive relationships – staying with an abuser is staying connected to Satan – the god I know of wants us to live in HIS light /HIS way – if this can only be possible by leaving the side of a satanic worshipper first husband to taking the hand of a good true Christian partner and living out gods way – I think it’s disgusting that others say they are Christian and try to guilt people into staying with Satan by waving words of scripture like a whip – I do not believe the words of god are suppose to be used as a judgement tool by man – it’s god say – who will say who comes to heaven to be with him – not some self righteous ‘think they know it all’ flesh species – keep your poison thoughts to urself or your no different to Satan trying to bring grief to others instead of healing instruments of peace
I want to ask you Sheila – how do you tackle those with opinions that wish defeat on others that have had the misfortune of marriage to partners that become Antichrist behaviours and want the opportunity to have a god wise marriage – how do you brush off the hurtful comments that they say you won’t go to heaven , call you adulteress even tho you’ve now lived a god wise happy marriage for 20years ?
Brushing off hurtful comments is certainly hard! I think the key is to put more and more of God’s word in you so that those are the words you primarily hear. And then find a very strong Christian community which is operating as the body of Christ. When you’re in a good Christian “family”, then your own family has a lot less pull on you, especially if the family is toxic.
One more thing that I think is very important to say is; we are all sinners…I myself am divorced and remarried a couple of times before I began researching and praying for truth. And the truth is this; God hates divorce…but He loves the divorcee! If we believe in Christ; then we are imputed with His righteousness; we are seen as being as white as snow…
Why were my posts deleted?
Hello, Wes–
Your comments were flagged for administrative review (and therefore taken down) because they were well over the word limit of 300 words for a comment. If you’d like to post a blog post of your own and link to it, that is perfectly acceptable but your comment thread was well over 1,000 words which simply makes it difficult for anyone else to engage in the comments section. If you’d like to shorten your comments or post to a link where you explain your perspective, that would be perfectly fine 🙂
That’s all it was!
My marriage of 21 years began to break down after year 15. My ex-husband had several affairs, became emotionally , verbally, sexually and psychologically abusive. He moved from the marital property for 1 year then returned more abusive then before. Upon his return, I moved our teen daughter any myself to a place within walking distance ( less 5 minutes drive time.) Following a year I asked to return to the martial property for the last 2 years of our daughter’s high school years. My ex-husband informed me I was no longer welcome. I explained I had no where to go and he pretty much did not care if I slept in the streets. Presently, I ‘m dating the guy who I dated before marrying the ex. He is a caring Christian man who believes he can’t marry me because my ex is still living. I’ve shown him the scripture Matt 19:9 the exceptional clause whereby divorce and remarriage is permitted. While divorce is not God’s will, neither is it His will to allow His children to remain in a position of abuse with no way of escape. I did not breach the covenant…my ex did and rejected, degraded me over and over again, refusing to work on a marriage that he declared as”dead for a long time ago” He was not interested in communicating the issues, working on a “dead situation” and said there was nothing I could do that would change his mind. My boyfriend is intent on marrying me as he never has been married before but probably would benefit from speaking with a minister regarding his concerns.
Hi Sheila,
I have a question .You stated from a Biblical standpoint a Christian can remarry if divorce was on the grounds of adultery.
My question is how many “remarriages” is acceptable to you? If the second marriage has unrepentant adultery then the husband/wife divorces & then a third marriage.
How many times can a Christian remarry (even if there was Biblical grounds for divorce)? And how would you conclude Biblical support regarding multiple marriages even if the Christian divorced due to unrepentant adultery?
If a Christian believes its okay to remarry as long as unrepentant adultery has occured then how do we come to a Biblical conclusion that 2 remarriages is okay, but not 3, or 3 remarriages but not 4? Etc…
Sadly in the Church we have to answer this because there is so much remarriage. I understand Biblical divorce on the grounds of unrepentant adultery and or abandonement but when it comes to remarrying (unless death) the Church is falling down the slippery slope.
I don’t understand why this is a question. IF the divorce was a life-saving one, then the divorce is valid and the marriage is null. What I would worry about far more in this situation is what is causing this person to keep choosing such bad spouses? Perhaps we should have compassion on that person and ask, “Why are you attracted to people who hurt you? And what can we do to help you find wholeness so this doesn’t happen again?” rather than wondering if we should be condemning them.
I applaud your strength and honesty. May God give strength to as many as are out there confused on how to move on,after a divorce.