I speak around North America at women’s events. And I love it.
I give a sex talk called “Girl Talk: Straight Talk About Sex, Marriage, and Intimacy” that goes over really well.
Keith and I actually have a talk that covers much of the same material that we give to couples, but I really enjoy giving the women’s one better. Somehow, when it comes to sex, I just think a woman speaking to women is more fun.
So I am not against the idea of women’s events and men’s events in churches. Sometimes there’s definitely a reason the genders should be divided!
At the same time, I’ve been noticing a trend in a lot of churches where gender differences are taken far more seriously than any other kind of difference–and so the genders seem to be separated far too often. What do I mean by this? Churches separate by gender when we:
- Divide social and serving activities by gender
- Teach different things to different genders
- Talk about gender differences as if they are absolutes
- Talk about gender propensities to certain weaknesses as if they are fixed in stone–and thus give people an excuse to not work on themselves
- Think of people primarily in gender categories, rather than as people first
And so I thought today I’d share my thought process on this so we could talk about it. I’ve been talking this week about how churches can create a strong marriage ministry, and part of that is helping the genders to see each other as allies and as people, rather than as stereotypical polar opposites. So here goes!
Gender Differences are Real
First, I do believe that gender differences are real. There are biological, hardwired differences in the way that we are made. Women, for instance, have more acute hearing (and can distinguish their child’s voice in a crowd much more easily than men can). Men tend to have better spatial abilities; women tend to have better verbal abilities. Thus, I am a pro at parking so that our 4-car driveway can only take one car; Keith still remembers his high school algebra.
I also think that, in general, men are more visually stimulated than women. I know that when we’re sexually aroused, for instance, different parts of the brain light up. For women, it’s the relational side; for men, it’s the visual side.
Women produce more oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Men tend to be thrive more on competition. These aren’t just generalizations. They are rooted in population scientific data.
God made the genders different to show different parts of Himself
Both are made in His image. Neither is more or less important. Thus, we have an incomplete view of God if we eliminate or diminish one gender’s contributions. When we dismiss women’s contributions in church settings, for instance, we often lose out on a large part of what God is trying to do in the church. And when we dismiss men’s experiences with parenting, because women “are better at it”, we lose out on what God is trying to do in the family.
Does the church divide by gender too much? I think so. And that's dangerous:Click To TweetHowever, we can take both those truths and use them to bad ends. Here’s how:
We treat the genders badly when we say that differences are absolutes
Yes, men tend to have the higher sex drive. Yes, women tend to be more relational and more nurturing. Yes, men tend to be more visually stimulated.
Even yes, men tend to want respect while women tend to want love.
But when we reduce these tendencies to absolutes, we do people an incredible disservice. Some husbands will be more nurturing than their wives, and will be more suited to stay at home with the kids. Some women will be more visually stimulated than their husbands, and will struggle with temptation. Some men will have lower sex drives than their wives, and leave their wives feeling as if there’s something wrong with them.
Yes, God made the genders differently, but within the genders there is so much diversity itself. God is a very big god, and creation is very big. To expect everyone to be pigeonholed into certain categories just because of their gender can make those who are outliers feel as if there’s something wrong with them.
When we say that different preferences automatically mean different giftings
More women prefer cooking than men do. Women tend to enjoy looking after babies more than men do. More men enjoy swinging a hammer than women do.
That should not mean, however, that only women can bring casseroles to potlucks, that only men can serve on the maintenance committee at church, or that only women can serve in the nursery.
When we decide that men should do the “brainy” and active jobs at church, while women should be relegated to the kitchen and the children, we diminish God’s giftings. It’s quite clear in Scripture that the Holy Spirit gives gifts as the Holy Spirit chooses, and those gifts are not limited by gender. Priscilla had the gift of teaching; Stephen and six other men were chosen to help with food distribution. if the next generation is going to change this world for God, then we shouldn’t give them the idea that certain gifts or interests are out of their reach because of their gender.
When we say that weaknesses can’t be overcome–they’re genetic.
And here’s one I’m super passionate about: too often we use gender differences as an excuse to not deal with sin. Yes, men are more visually stimulated, but that doesn’t mean that women must be responsible for keeping men from sinning by dressing appropriately, or that a man’s fall into pornography is because his wife won’t have sex enough. And yet too often that is what I hear. We need to stop with the “boys will be boys” message.
Similarly, too often we teach women to be these gentle creatures who are taught to always submit, and in so doing we raise a generation of girls who don’t know how to stand up for justice and who don’t know how to enforce biblical boundaries.
When we tell girls that they are meant only to be meek and gentle, and when we tell boys that they will always battle with lust, we don’t give them the tools they need to grow into a whole person in Christ. We hold them back.
How should we treat gender in marriage and the church?
Let’s remember the bigger picture of gender differences
God made us differently so that, through relationship, we would grow to be holier and more giving. As we marry, we will have to adjust to someone different from us. And iron sharpens iron. Those differences will cause us to grow.
And those differences allow us to do bigger things. Because we are stretched beyond our comfort level, and because we are exposed to different ways of seeing the world, we can do more things well! We parent better when we have two different approaches and perspectives. We function better in church when there are different perspectives that better match all the different needs in the congregation.
Let’s cherish the differences
Too often I see an air of superiority popping up when it comes to gender. Women can feel superior to men, because we’re the ones who understand relationship, and our perspective in marriage must be the right one. Men can feel superior because they feel they are made to be the leaders, and so often they discount women’s views of how things should go.
Let’s stop the superiority, and start cherishing the differences. Isn’t it wonderful that we’re not all the same? Isn’t life more exciting because we’re all so different?
Let’s stop sexualizing each other
One last thought–part of the problem of dividing by gender so much is that we start seeing people as classes of people, rather than as individuals. As I shared in my Boys Will Be Boys post, I have felt more respected and appreciated at all of the secular workplaces and universities I have been in than I have in the majority (not all) of the churches I have attended. When we divide so much by gender, we end up inadvertently sexualizing each other far too much, so that it’s difficult to value each other and have friendships with all. I think this is one reason that so many men are so prone to temptation. They’ve been led to believe that it’s inevitable that they will see women as objects, rather than held to a higher standard where they are expected to respect and honour women–as they are in most secular workplaces today.
When the church divides by gender, we oversexualize each other and reinforce weaknesses.Click To TweetWhen it’s churches that sexualize people and hold people back, that’s really a shame. We are all created in the image of God. We are all precious. And we are all people, first and foremost.
Let me know: how can churches stop sexualizing relationships between the genders? How can we feel more accepting of each other? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I agree – there is no reason a man can’t teach the grade 1-3 Sunday school class (my husband does, and also served on the Board).
There is no reason a woman can’t paint the classroom to make it nicer (oh, wait, that was me!).
On the other hand, single-gender Bible study groups were a huge blessing for us at various times, especially when we had small children. Babysitters are not cheap, so a “couples” group wasn’t an option. He went to his men’s group one night, I went to a women’s group, and we each found support, encouragement, and growth.
Yes, my women’s Bible study was a life saver for me when the kids were little, too! And like I said, I really do agree that some things should be one gender only.
What colour did you paint the classroom? 🙂
A nice sunny yellow. 🙂
That sounds happy! 🙂
Yeah, I agree. One example is the “Iron Mens” ministry/conferences that go across the country. First, the obvious verse it is based on really applies to everyone, not just men. And second, it really is run as a “rah rah rah!” type of sporting event. Several of their speakers are famous sports figures (Daryl Strawberry this year, it was some NFL QB last year). Quite frankly, its a turn off for me. First, there are lots of women who love sports (my wife for one), and second, I most certainly am not – I could care less about sports, and I’m an introvert to boot. So this sports arena-like/rock concert like events are a big turn off for me.
Another example is the nursery – most churches I know are “women only – men, never”. I understand the security/safety aspect, but I have seen some better fathers than mothers, thats for sure, so I have questioned our leadership about that. Once when asking why men couldn’t serve there (not “alone”, but then again, there should never ever be just one person in the nursery, whether they are a woman or not! Its way too hard!), I was given the “we just don’t go there” reasoning about child abuse, etc, etc. I said I would agree, so long as they also agreed that women can also abuse children, and then pulled out several newspaper articles about women abusing their own children (some infamous, some not so infamous) from across the country and locally. I just got a shrug. So while I understand the reasoning, its also a double standard.
Anyways, I agree with you, basically: “co-gendering” – is that a word? of church is way better. But I would also go one further: co-generational church is also way better. One thing I dislike about our church is all the sunday schools are basically divided by generation (not only generational, but also by gender and marriage state!!) – seriously, we have divided ages for our “married” class: if you are, combined, under age 70, you are in one class, otherwise you are in the other. The implication being that the “unders” are younger, newly married, with no kids (or just had kids) so its geared towards that (those topics), Unfortunately, there are no less than 5 couples in the “over” class that are newly married, for the first time (yes, I’m in the “over”). The church needs to realize that the face of marriage has changed drastically in the last 30 years: people are marrying later in life, having less kids, and are more occupationally different than before (roles switched).
Unfortunately, much like in the subject of sex in marriage, the church is way, way, way behind the times.
Oh, John, I totally hear you about the generational thing! I absolutely LOVE millennials. I love my kids’ age group. And they tend to love me, too. Yet everything they do tends to be just their generation, when people of my generation would have a lot to add.
I also remember joining a Bible study when I was in my early 30s with a bunch of women in their 60s and 70s. Those women were SUCH a blessing to me. So wise, and such insights that I just didn’t have. And they were so encouraging. I think the whole point of church is that we should “do life” together, and in life we’re not usually put in boxes.
Oh, I wanted to comment on that sports thing, too. I think that’s really dangerous for men. The whole “authentic manhood” movement is a little bit scary, I think, because it assumes that men MUST be one way, whereas really there are a whole lot of ways to be masculine without cheering on a football team or knowing how to chop down a tree. But when we tell boys that they must be a man in one particular way, that can do a lot of damage to boys that don’t meet that stereotype, either.
My father served in the church nursery alongside my mother. At another church it was women-only, mostly by default, but also because the nursery contained breasts- moms feeding infants…behind a curtain. I nursed my babies in service, but I was the only one. The others chose the curtained area. I did notice that men would announce themselves before looking into or going into the nursery. Sometimes I liked the whole “women’s domain” thing and not having men around.
My youngest son and I attended Iron Sharpens Iron last year. He was 14.we found the event to be very encouraging. I think it is good to have opportunities for men to get together with other men, as it doesn’t happen often. Both of us found it to be an event that we would like to attend again. I’m not against having events of mixed semester, but there are times that having the opposite sex in the room simply reduces the opportunity for honest conversations.
Agree! I get sad around Mother’s Day due to local church’s Mother/Daughter banquets. Just because I only have 1 child, a boy, should not exclude me from bringing my son to such a banquet. Should call them Mother/Child Banquets!
Absolutely, Kelly!
I just love this so much. Somehow most of the men and women I know fall outside of stereotypes. I’ve seen frequently how these stereotypes are tiring, discouraging, and really quite distracting. So I’m so happy that you posted this. <3
Thanks, Bethany!
This has been on my mind so much recently. I tend to need to feel respected more than many women, and I tend to feel disrespected by many of the same things my husband feels disrespected by. This is not to say that feeling loved isn’t important to me as well. I get a little huffy about people who say all that women need is love, and all that men need is respect, because it isn’t true in my experience, especially in conflict. I also happen to enjoy watching sports more than many women I know. I’ve felt insecure about myself as a woman because of these things, because of the idea of who women are by many people’s definitions. ?
I have very similar feelings. Respect is a necessity for me. I don’t even know how that dichotomy came about, anyway–how is it possible to act in love towards someone and not treat them with respect? I don’t mean the bow to authority sort of respect, but treating them as a human. If you don’t respect them as people, how is that love?
I do hate that churches divide along gender, age, stage, etc.
Gender – because I have never been a typical female and those things leave me wanting.
Age – Doesn’t compute. In the Bahamas, I went to a youth group that spanned ages 10 – 20 plus. It was done well and we all learned from each other and that’s the point. Of course for certain things we split up but then we came back together.
Stage – it makes others feel ostracized and I don’t really think there’s a Biblical principle for it. We’re all in the body and we can all learn from each other.
I know you write about marriage and intimacy – but I like these types of posts as they make me think (about what’s important to me).
nylse recently posted…Deborah’s Cast of Characters – the 4th Judge
I’m glad you like the post, Nylse! Sometimes I like to write about different things, too. 🙂
I’m glad so many of you have spoken about the age discrepancy as well. I think we should mix the ages much more as well. We need a mentor, and we need to mentor others. So we have to get to know others of different ages!
Interestingly, my “excluding” experience with the gender-specific events is with our local schools. I have all daughters, and there is literally no parent-kid activity at the school our kids go to for a couple specials (we home school) and would go to if they ever do FT public school, that includes me with my kids. There’s a father-daughter dance, a mother-son outing to bounce house type places or other fun things, and donuts with dad. I don’t really care about this because my kids don’t go there full-time, but if they did, I would probably make some mention of it to the PTO.
My church is pretty good about this in my opinion. Sure, some ministries tend to be more populated by one gender or the other, but that’s just the men & women are different and gravitate to different things. To my knowledge, it’s not an exclusivity thing. There are some specifically ladies’ and men’s events, but I would say family/whole church events are more common. Though I was the one who was able to bring all four (I only brought 3 of them, as the youngest is 1) of my children to the ladies’ Christmas tea, open to women of all ages. The mom around my age who has 3 boys and her 4th on the way would have come by herself (although that’s not necessarily a bad thing either 🙂
I can definitely see that it’s a balancing act to make sure that divided stuff is there, but not the majority, and then to not let those divided things create the negative perceptions and side effects. I’m glad I’m not in charge of overseeing that for anyone. 🙂
Amen!
I was a math teacher. (I’m a woman.) I’m very analytical. I read theoretical physics as a hobby. I also love Jane Austen and Anthony Trollope (go pick up some Trollope if you’re tired of reading Austen 37 times).
If I had to choose my husband losing his love for me or losing his respect for me, I’d rather he lost his love for me. Why? Once respect is lost, it’s really hard to get it back. I don’t think marital love can exist without respect. I could win back his love fairly easily, though, if he still respected me. (Ladies, we know how to do this if we’ve been married while.) However, if I lost my respect for my husband, any attempts to stir up his love would be a sham and I’d feel like a swindler. The whole “men need respect, women need love” doesn’t apply in my marriage.
I do love cooking but I hate crafts. (Why do so many women’s events involve crafts?) I love working with kids but I do not like working in the nursery.
My husband knows better than to buy me a teddy bear for Valentine’s day or a sentimental Christmas gift. One of my favorite Christmases was a Shark vacuum and exercise gear.
I am a woman but I’m me. I don’t fit into a mold.
My church doesn’t fall into gender stereotypes and I really appreciate that. I find that many books do, though. I can pick up a few useful things from those types of books but it’s important to remember that generalizations are never going to fit universally.
So true, Lisa! And I really agree with what you say about respect, too. I think love is easier to get back than respect. And honestly, the dichotomy is strange. We should really have both.
I don’t understand something you wrote. You say when the church divides the genders too much, that we sexualize each other. But then you just talk about how this makes men see women as objects, and makes men prone to temptation. So women don’t sexualize men? I think that’s what you’re saying, and yet you say that we sexualize each other. It seems like you’re contradicting yourself here.
Love this post!
I think that some people make the mistake of thinking that there is simply a generic “male” and “female”, and think that everyone needs to fit themselves into those stereotypical categories to match God’s will.
Instead, I believe that God created all 7 billion+ of us as individuals, each with a purpose and our own way to reflect being created in the Divine image. Furthermore, my belief is that my husband and I are two halves of a whole, which together are in the Divine image.
On a practical level, that means that if I’m more analytical and better at visual-spatial tasks, and if my husband is better at social relationships – well, that’s how we were created by God, that’s how we complement each other, and we respect the unique personality and talents of the other one because we know that it fits with our own personality and talents to create something greater than either of us, and which reflects the Divine image. If we tried to be something that we are not, we wouldn’t be honoring our Creator at all.
Love that, Cynthia!