What do you do if your husband’s penis is sloped downward?
Every Monday I like to post a reader question, and this one is a really sad one–and one that I hope every parent will read, because it’s important for our sons.
A woman writes:
I got married recently, and we were both virgins. But we’re both having a really difficult time because my husband’s penis is curved downward. I didn’t really realize anything was strange until I read your description of what an erection looks like in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. My husband’s erection doesn’t point up; it’s curved downward. The only position we can make love in is rear entry, and I feel like I’m missing out on the intimacy you talked about in the book. But anything else is really painful for both of us. Do you have any suggestions?
I talked to my husband about this question because he’s a pediatrician, and he gave me quite a bit of information.
What this woman’s husband has is actually relatively common.
If an erection is sloped downward it’s called chordee, a congenital (birth) defect that affects the development of the penis.
A chordee often associated with hypospadias, where the opening from the urethra (the hole that you pee out of) is on the underside of the penis, rather than the tip.
Hypospadias affects about 1 in 200 boys, and it can be corrected with plastic surgery which is usually performed early. Chordee can also be corrected, but it often isn’t noticed as much UNLESS it’s associated with hypospadias. So if you simply have a malformation of the penis without the corresponding urinary issues you may not see it. It is, however, very obvious when the boy gets an erection. Since baby boys and toddlers do get erections, hopefully a parent would notice.
The good news is that chordee (a sloped penis) can usually be repaired with surgery.
Chordee surgery, however, is best done before two years of age. It doesn’t mean it can’t be done later, but as you can imagine, it’s quite debilitating and painful.
So the message that I would have for this woman is that they have to go see a doctor, and ask for a referral to a urologist and figure out if his chordee can be fixed. It isn’t as rare as people think, and the urologist will likely have some very good information (It also isn’t the only condition we should look out for in our husbands).
(You can also have a chordee associated with trauma. Usually, though, the trauma would have been obvious and parents and doctors would have picked up on it. When it’s associated with trauma it’s harder to fix. )
But the message to parents is: please notice your little boy’s erections and watch for things like chordee. It is so much easier to fix when they are young.
I think many of us are so embarrassed of sex or anything sexual that we try to shy away from it, or become embarrassed by it. And as women raising sons, we may not realize that what an erection looks like when a baby is 6 months old or 18 months old is still important. Because we’re women, we don’t understand male anatomy ourselves. And we may not notice that when our son’s penises get hard but slope downward that this is a problem. It actually is an erection, but it’s going in the wrong direction.
And if dad doesn’t change diapers much he may never know, either.
My son only lived for a month, and so I didn’t have a lot of opportunities to change boys’ diapers. But I do remember that while getting used to changing Rebecca’s diapers was quite simple, because I knew where to wipe, getting used to changing a boy’s diaper was different. I wasn’t used to having to clean around those places. I’m a woman, and it’s just plain different. And so I can see how easy it might be to miss something like this.
So, please, if you fear something is odd, do mention it to your pediatrician. Or at least ask your husband about it. Now you all know it’s a real thing, so let’s be on the lookout.
I just feel for this couple so much because this must have been such a blow. I do hope the physicians can help them.
But for everyone else reading this, remember: if you fear that there’s something “off” with your little boy’s private parts, ask a doctor.
There’s so much they can do now, and it’s so much less traumatic and so much easier to fix if you catch your child’s chordee in infancy! I’m glad this woman reached out for help. I’m sorry, though, that it took a description of an erection in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex to signal to both of these people that something was wrong. It just shows me again how important it is for parents to not shy away from sex or to hide information. When we do that, we often ignore those parts of our kids’ bodies, too, and we may inadvertently miss something.
Have any experience with chordee? Or any other comments about how difficult it is to get used to boys’ anatomy when you’re a mom? Let’s talk in the comments!
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My husband is curved downward too but not like there is something wrong. His urethral opening is normal, in the middle on the end, not underneath. I’m a nurse and I’ve seen alot of them and there are a lot of variations. I’m not sure there is anything wrong with this lady’s husband. There can be scar tissue that can develop in the penis causing different bends and curves but unless they cause pain or problems or interfere with blood flow I don’t think it’s something to be “corrected”. My husband has seen a urologist for years for kidney issues and he has never suggested there was anything “wrong” with his man parts. I think when we are virgins and have never actually seen an erect penis we have an expectation of what it will look like but like women they are all different. The angle can just be something to work around. When we were fist married I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn’t know how to find a position that he wasn’t banging against my cervix or feeling like I was being stretched the wrong way. My uterus also sits low and is inverted so that complicated things. But changing the angle by pulling your legs up helps, also moving around until you find a better angle, using a pillow or dropping your pelvis lower, etc. It takes practice and I think it’s even more important for the woman to be ready with foreplay so that her parts are more receptive with the vaginal walls elongating and stuff. Quickies are much harder unless the angle is right. Don’t get discouraged though, it can be done successfully! If there is just a “bend” and not an actual medical problem.
My husband use to pick on me that it was my fault his erection angled down because he had an erection so often when we were together that his pants permantley bent it down. 🙂
Unless a baby boy has a urethral abnormality it is very hard to see anything abnormal because most flaccid penises look similar. The angle and changes that occur with erection would quickly show if something was wrong.
Prayer for this new couple!
RNmom, that’s a very good point, that it doesn’t necessary means that there’s something wrong. I’m glad you guys have been able to work around it, and that’s a good message–that just because there’s a bend doesn’t mean it’s a huge issue for all couples that they need to worry about!
But in this case it sounds like a pretty significant challenge since they can only make love in one position without it being painful, and it’s really bothering them both. I do think that surgery may be dicey given his age, etc., and a urologist would have to comment on that. I wouldn’t want to!
And, yes, not all instances of chordee have urinary tract issues; but many do. Flaccid penises do tend to look the same, but when a little boy does get an erection (as babies and toddlers still do), it should be visible if it’s a real problem.
RNmom, thank you so much for what you wrote! I am in the same boat, and I wondered if something was wrong, but after reading your post it really resonated with me! My husband curves downward, but his urethral opening is at the tip and in a fine place, and he has no problem with getting and maintaining an erection, his erection just bends downward. This was SUPER painful for me the first several years in our marriage (I am a petite person in general, and I have a very low pubic bone), but after having babies, sex became less painful as everything got “stretched out.” I always thought the pain had been an issue with ME and my muscle control or something, no one ever talks about our husbands’ angles being different from what we see in the “textbooks,” but now, twelve years into our marriage, I’m starting to realize it is the angle of the erection that probably caused that pain. I totally resonate with you in how quickies are very hard to do, and there is no way to have sex standing up… but reading that someone else (you!) have a similar situation and that you guys work around it and tease about it makes me feel totally at ease now. It’s just a different angle to work with. And hey! You’re right that when he gets an erection he can hide it much better because of the angle under his pants! Thanks for what you wrote – it was a God-send I needed right at that moment to put my mind at ease and not feel alone
I am a very experienced sexually active female in my 30s, and I am currently dating a man with the exact same curvature that this woman is describing. It also causes me pain, and I don’t think the correct advice is to tell her to work around the angles while she is in agony and not able to enjoy the sex herself. She needs to confront her husband and have him see if there is anything he can do to fix it, so she can enjoy the sexual pleasure herself. Women need to be more assertive and stop trying to bend to the men’s will so that he can enjoy himself while she is in excruciating pain.
My husband doesn’t have a downward slope, but has a significant curve near the head that makes certain positions quite difficult. I have a retroverted uterus also, that doesn’t help matters, so neither one of is shaped like a “typical” male or female. I’ve read from other sources that as he ages, he may be more at risk for erectile dysfunction because of the curve, but so far so good, and he doesn’t struggle with painful sex because of it either – although I always have, and he’s very sensitive towards me 🙂
Sheila. On a similar topic, i think you should do some sort of post for all the ladies who are uncomfortable with a mans equipment in general. My wife will not lay a hand (or anything else) on mine despite the fact that she likes how it makes her feel during intercourse. She says this is because when i get aroused that i leak which is normal, but she hates it so she stays away from down there and this has lead me to be selfconsious about my body.
Your wife shouldn’t be making you feel weird about yourself or self-conscious but you shouldn’t want her to do things for you if it makes her feel uncomfortable. How could you enjoy it? Some people just don’t like certain things. What if the roles were switched?
Chris, that is a common problem. I think some women are just uncomfortable with sex to begin with and a little ashamed of our bodies, and it’s difficult to open up and become a little freer in the bedroom. I have written about that before, but maybe a post on how to get comfortable with your husband’s anatomy is warranted! Thanks!
My son was diagnosed with this condition the day he was born. We were referred to a urologist and he performed the outpatient procedure when my son was 7 months old. The urologist mentioned that he has had married men come to him with the same problem, and how it’s so much better to take care of it when they’re young and won’t remember.
I don’t pretend to be a sex or medical expert. My heart has been breaking for this women since you published it, and I think I might have figured something out that could help. As someone who is recently married and rather petit, I know its all about angles. I was listening to the podcast you recomended last month by the four bloggers (they are great), and they were talking about different positions. One that might work for them is her lying on her back on the bed with her hips at the end and him standing on the end of the bed. That should line the angles up right. It might not work for kissing, but they could look at each other and that it pretty special.
A similar problem with curved penises is from a condition called Peyronies. It can be caused by trauma (car crash) among other things.
After reading this article I’ve been more vigilant to make sure this is not an issue with my 3 yr old. I noticed the other day when he went potty and did have an erection that his penis was straight but the entire penis was angled downward. He was sitting on the toilet, so I think it must have just been the angle he was sitting. Anyway, I’ve been researching this issue to make sure I understand it correctly and the pictures that I’ve found in regard to this issue seem to show that it’s mostly the tip (head) that is turned down (which would have been extremely obvious when the penis is erect) or that the whole penis has an actual arch downward. Is this correct as I understand it?
I’m a bit paranoid, but my default is always “ask the doctor.” So if you have any concerns about it, I’d recommend just talking to your family’s doctor about it–I’m sure they’ll know the questions to ask to figure out if there’s a problem! It’s awesome you’re being vigilant about this–it can seriously affect the rest of his life, so it’s great that he has a mom who’s dedicated to taking care of his health.
I know this is an old post, but I just wanted to share my experience in case it helps any women reading through the archives.
My husband and I were both virgins when we married, and it took us nearly four months to be able to have intercourse. Every time we tried, it felt like he was hitting a wall, no matter how much lubricant we used or how many pillows we put under my hips. I was convinced I had vaginismus… which was odd, given that I didn’t feel any shame or stigma about sex, and felt so comfortable and loved by my husband! I didn’t fit any of the “normal” criteria for vaginismus. But it was just so frustrating.
About three months in, I read this post and realized that my husband’s penis was indeed curved (which I didn’t realize wasn’t normal!). That was what made penetration so difficult– he would get a little ways in, then get “stuck” and start putting tons of pressure on me which hurt! It took us a couple weeks, but once we realized that the angle was the problem, we finally started making progress. The first position that WORKED was me on my back with my legs over his shoulders (sounds uncomfy but with a pillow under my hips, it feels fine!). We’ve also had a lot of success with me on top, adjusting the angle of his penis as necessary.
In our case, it didn’t make sense to pursue a surgery with the associated expenses and risks. We’re very happy to keep modifying and discovering new positions that work. I just see it as part of our unique anatomies that makes sex different and special for us (just as it is different for each couple).
For any new(ish) brides out there who are going through something similar…
1. Everything is going to be ok. Don’t feel guilty or ashamed if you need a few weeks or months to have intercourse… your sex life is between you and your husband, and you don’t have to live up to society’s expectations of what the wedding night/honeymoon/first months of married life are “supposed” to be.
2. Communicate your feelings to your husband. I was so distraught and ashamed and felt like something about me was broken, and felt like my husband was being cheated out of a “real” newlywed life. He told me, “no way”. He was gentle and patient and understanding, and it gave me so much more confidence.
3. Don’t give up on intimacy. Maybe you feel exhausted of “trying” intercourse and being disappointed. It’s ok to take a break for a little while (maybe a week?), but still try other things! Cuddle, sleep together naked, take baths together, flirt, touch, try oral sex if you’re both comfortable with it. We laugh about it now, because we had SUCH an active “sex life” those first few months even though we never had intercourse. It took a lot of pressure off, and we learned lots of fun things that we otherwise wouldn’t have discovered!
4. You’re not alone. Tons and tons of couples need to work around various challenges at first. Now, looking back, I’m thankful for all the tears and frustrations of the first few months of marriage– it taught us so much about communication, patience, and putting each other first. We’re so comfortable now talking about sex, because we were forced to talk about it ALL THE TIME early on. That’s not to minimize the pain you may be going through now, but just to say that it probably will not last forever.
Much love to all.
I realize this is an old post but in case someone reads it I thought it important to mention a related issue for parents of infant/young boys to look out for in addition to chordee. Some boys are born with an underdeveloped penis (“micro-penis”) due to it not having developed fully/properly in vivo. It is treatable with hormone therapy up to 2 years of age, but not after that age.
For context; I was born with a micro-penis which was not treated. As a result, I endured years of public shaming and shunning in elementary school, high school, and college about it (thanks to open showers & locker rooms). No one would befriend me due to the ridicule, nor would any female ever even speak to me. I carried and carry deep embarrassment/shame about this to this day. Because of the ridicule and also having been sexually abused as a boy by a neighbour entrusted to watch me after school each day, I had no girl friends before my wife (whom I met in my late 30’s). I only married her because I thought she accepted me as I was (including sexual inhibitions, shame, and having a micro-penis). After marriage it became clear she did not accept me as I was/am, and so we’ve had a sexless marriage for over 20 years, living only as de facto roommates.
So please, please check your infant/toddler boys for these conditions and save them from a potential life of misery.