Do you feel like you’re always busy–that you can never catch up?
I think it’s the modern malaise! And today, in my Friday musings, I want to hopefully convince you that the problem isn’t necessarily that we have too much to do. It’s that we’re trying to relax in the wrong ways.
Sheila’s Musings: Are We Trying to Relax in the Wrong Ways?
When you ask people how they’re doing, chances are they won’t say, “I’m fine,” though that used to be the standard answer. Chances are they’ll comment on their busy-ness. “Things are starting to slow down, and maybe I’ll be able to come up for air soon!”
We feel so busy. We’re overwhelmed. We’re exhausted.
And yet something weird is going on. When you look at time studies, the amount of work we do has increased slightly over the last forty years. But it hasn’t increased a ton. If you combine housework and paid work, we’re still, as a society, doing roughly the same as we did in 1970. Slightly more, but not like 50% more or anything. We actually have a fair amount of leisure time.
So why do we feel so busy?
The difference is in how we’re choosing to spend that leisure.
Some of us are simply overextended with committees and extracurricular activities. But I think there’s something else at work. When we choose to spend our leisure time in front of a screen (either the internet or the television), we often LOSE a significant portion of our day, and feel far less rejuvenated than we would otherwise.
When you sit down at the TV, do you think to yourself, I think I’ll sit here for two and a half hours? Chances are you don’t, but often you find that that is exactly what you’ve done. Same with the internet. I sit down to “check a few emails” and suddenly an hour has gone by.
When we spend so much of our lives in front of a screen, then we do have less time to get things done.
But it’s not just that the internet eats more time than you intended it to. It’s also how it leaves you feeling.
I’m guilty of binge watching Netflix when I’m alone. Yet I’ve noticed that my mood is much improved if I spend at least half an hour a day reading an interesting book. I’ve given myself something to chew on, I’m using my brain power, and I’m feeling rooted in something important.
Relaxing is necessary and wonderful. Relaxing the wrong way, though, can leave us drained.Click To TweetThe problem with time wasters is just that: they waste time. Sure, it feels temporarily fun to let a few hours go by watching TV, but afterwards, do we really feel good about life? But if we were to identify something that does feed our souls and make sure we have time to do that, we wouldn’t feel as if life were passing us by and we weren’t getting things done.
I wonder, then, how much of our busy-ness simply stems from the crazy ways we spend our leisure time. I talk about this a lot in To Love, Honor, and Vacuum: When You Feel More Like a Maid Than a Wife and Mother
To Love, Honor and Vacuum--what's it about?
How could that be?
But soon I realized the problem. They thought that they could win affection and respect by pouring themselves out for everyone else. And what they discovered was that this almost always backfires. If you want a satisfying family life, then you have to see family as a team, rather than yourself as a servant.
And in To Love, Honor and Vacuum (now with the updated edition, 10 years later!), I show how you can stop feeling like a maid, and start feeling like a wife, mom, and woman again, because you put first things first.
I’ve made it a goal to read a book a week this year and to try to use my Wii to exercise for twenty minutes a day. When I do those things, it’s okay if I watch Netflix, because I’ve already fed my soul.
But if we spend all of our leisure time on things that ultimately don’t satisfy, we’ll feel as if we’re gulping for air. We’ll feel like something’s missing. And that makes us feel busy, because we’re obviously not getting done what needs to get done. But what’s our reaction to feeling busy? We need to veg more. And it becomes a vicious cycle.
Spending too much time in front of a screen ironically makes us feel busier. Here's why!Click To TweetI’d just encourage you in the week coming up to break that cycle. Figure out what feeds your soul, and add even a little bit of it to your day. It can change your whole outlook, and stop that constant “not getting enough done” feeling.
If we took steps to prioritize those important things, then we’d feel better. We’d feel more productive. We’d go to bed at night knowing that we had had a good day. I’d really like that feeling again, and I’m going to try to catch it next week! Are you with me?
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
Marriages have time of highs and times of lows–I don’t think anyone can argue that–but how do you deal when things aren’t going exactly your way? Maybe your hubby has an addiction that is damaging the relationship, or maybe we’ve let ourselves go (physically) over the years and we are finding it more difficult to stay attracted to each other. Maybe our personalities just don’t mesh. Does this give us an excuse to give up? Are we allowed to go back on the vows we made before God? Or how can we work through our problems to find the spark we had at the beginning?
#1 Post on the Blog: Help! My Husband Has A Big Belly
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Effects Of Porn On Your Brain, Your Marriage, And Your Sex Life
#2 from Facebook: Why I’m Anti-Divorce And Pro-Remarriage
#4 from Pinterest: Just Your Type: Personality Differences And Marriage
Have a great weekend, everyone!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Great post! Definitely true! As a SAHM, I have been dying for time. I felt like I was drowning with an active 1 year old, housework, dinner, and driving my 5 year old around, bathtimes, bedtime, it’s all on my own since my husband works so much. But I realized that I was losing so much of my time, plus feeling guilty for not giving my kids as much of my undivided attention, as well as being less patient, when I constantly had a YouTube video turned on. So it’s been about a few weeks that I decided to go on a “YouTube fast”. I made that up lol, but as church did a fast from food, I decided that would be a good and challenging step for me. It’s been incredible. I have so much more time, finally feel caught up on housework most days, and don’t feel as much guilt with my kids. I still will put on a YouTube workout video, but that’s my only exception. Which I wanted to point out, there are amazing workouts videos on YouTube that you can add to your workout regimen. I started at about 15 to 20 minutes a day in jan, and am now able to complete 35 to 40 minute videos, and feel much better about myself (which has trickled into mine and my husbands intimacy). I am currently loving “fitnessblender” videos, they range in length of time, and pride themselves on promoting a healthy body, and have only free videos. If you use their videos I’d love to know how you like them. They are challenging, but they work!!
That’s AWESOME Michelle! Love that–both parts, about the YouTube fast but also the fitness videos. I use some great stretching ones, too!
I’ve used fitnessblender’s stuff and their videos are great. 🙂 They’re so friendly and approachable too.
Good to know am not alone. I use fitnessblender work out too. They are amazing. Am also thinking of taking a watsapp fast. My 5 year old already complains ” mummy you are always doing something on your phone” which i personally think is not a good comment.
Yes! This time of year in Maine too, its so easy to be sluggish and lay around with a phone in your hand instead of doing physical activity. I find *committing to a once a week swim time or basketball at the gym.. Or even a specific time to walk outside is easier or ill not do it. Otherwise, before I know it, months of sluggishness go by!
One of my goals this year was to read more books. This has meant less blog and Pinterest time, but so far I’ve read 15 books for the year! I think you are spot on with this message – our use of social media isn’t giving us the ‘break’ we went there looking for!
Just this morning I had an unsuccessful fishing trip, but while I was sitting on the rocks, holding my line, looking out over the ocean, I really, truly had a relaxing time, because I was pretty well actively doing nothing, and my brain was free from distractions to just appreciate my surroundings and stay in the moment. I really enjoyed it, even if I didn’t get a single bite!
15 books! That’s awesome! I’m trying to read more nonfiction Christian books, and I’ve been aiming for one a week, but that doesn’t seem realistic. Sigh. But I’m getting there!
Have you read Unoffendable by Brant Hansen? I just finished it and it was a fantastically convicting book that is written in an easy to read, chatty manner. I really enjoyed it and highly recommend it!
Thank you! I’ll check that out! I do need to read more for sure, and I’m always looking for good ones.
While work time is very close, commute time is up. And that’s not helping anyone! But I fully agree the bigger issue is how we use our time.
In 1970 we got three TV stations, and the all signed off at midnight. Now we get three million and none of them ever sign off.
Paul H Byerly recently posted…Sex and Self-Control
So true! I remember deleting my Facebook account about 4 years ago because I wasted so much time on there and felt so drained with 2 little kids. Never looked backed and I kept my “blogs I follow” list down to a few that build me up and inspire. I use Pinterest to safe ideas i really want to use and reference later (not pinning every pretty image in the world). Now I have 4 kids and when I feel overwhelmed it’s usually because of two things…. too much time wasted online and too much stuff in the house. I usually am quick now to turn off the devices. I know the benefit of doing so. I think there is something about wasting time that is against what we were created for. God made us to do some important work and He build in some resting time too. But time is our most precious resource, so wasting it is not an option. That we feel off, drained, tired, empty and sometimes angry after wasting time in front off a screen is a pretty good warning sign that there is something wrong here! Also I don’t mean all screen time, if doing something productive or useful or watching a quality show together doesn’t leave us feeling that way. I noticed the same for my children. Very early on I found out with my kids no TV = no tantrums, more creative, independent play, less fussing overall. The terrible two’s weren’t so terrible after all. Now they’re allowed to watch TV or play on the iPad twice a week and I try to make sure that on those days they spend a good amount of time outdoors as well otherwise I feel like the ship is sinking…
So true, Lydia! Love all you said. And the thing about keeping kids away from technology is SO true!
Here’s an app I’ve found very helpful when you see something that may be interesting that you want to read later: It’s called Pocket. You can use it as a browser extension on all of your browsers, or add the app to your device, and then if you see a link that’s cool, you can just “add to pocket”, and then when you’re waiting in line at the grocery store you can read stuff. Or if you have 45 minutes a day you’ve decided to dedicate to reading things, you can do it all then. Anyway, you just mentioned saving stuff you may read later to Pinterest, and that’s what I used to do, too, until I found Pocket. You can check it out here (it’s free!)
Amen Lydia! I love that. Also noticed the TV thing with my oldest when he was 2, and limited it to 2 hours a day (still a lot, but I was working on it). Now he is 5 and my youngest is almost 2, neither watch TV except occasionally on the weekends. It makes such a difference! And definitely improved attention span and creativity.
This is great! It’s so weird, I spend a lot of my free time reading blogs like this, or even YouTube videos because I love self improvement and grabbing any info and advice from others on parenting, marriage, health, etc. The problem is I spend so much time filling my mind with gobs of info, because it fills to a degree half of what I’m looking for- but I haven’t given as much time to weightier half- actually APPLYING it! Here I would be, reading about being a better parent, while my kids are beside me trying to get my attention. I was being presented the opportunity to actually spend time with them- being a better parent, and instead feeling annoyed because I’m trying to read an article about it. Isn’t that silly? It’s like I was trying to substitute the knowledge for the joy of actually living it out. And it was actually draining to try to fill fill fill, without pouring out. It is really so much more fulfilling to LIVE our purpose instead of just read about it! God spoke to me (again) about this just this evening and I read this. My plan is to limit my time to 30 min in the afternoon, so I can spend more time applying it! Thank you for this!
You’re so welcome!