Has infertility begun to weaken your marriage?
First and foremost let me say how much my heart goes out to you and your husband if you’re walking the road of infertility. Today I have a post from Natasha Metzler, an author and blogger who has an amazing testimony about her and her husband’s journey through infertility,
Here’s Natasha.
We were going to have three children, run a farm together, and love each other and God for all our days.
At least, that was the plan at our wedding back in 2007.
It didn’t turn out so much that way. Our babies didn’t come and our lives were slashed open by this monster called infertility and our plans just crumbled away.
At one point I felt like a failure at everything. Every. Last. Thing.
Except we still run our farm together and we still love God and we still managed to hold tight to our love for each other through it all.
And slowly, over time, I realized this isn’t always the case. Many marriages fall apart through the stress of infertility, and I know why. It’s hard, y’all. Infertility is like living in a nearly-constant state of mourning. Every month you go through the grieving cycle again and whew, who wouldn’t struggle with that?!
But I’ve got some tips for you. There are five important things we did that made our marriage stronger while traveling through the sorrow of infertility, instead of weaker. And I want to share them with you today.
1. Say the important stuff
I struggled with depression soon after we married, all linked to my inability to conceive. Some was physical depression from unbalanced hormones, but most of it was emotional and spiritual depression from fear and perceived failure.
I remember my husband saying to me, in complete frustration, “I’m sorry marrying me ruined your life.”
It was like something in me snapped. That wasn’t true, at all! Marrying him was the best thing I had ever done. But I wasn’t saying it. I was just depressed and cried all the time, and to him it seemed like his easy-going, happy fiancé regretted the marriage.
From that moment on, we worked hard to say the important things to each other. Things like,
- “I’m thankful for you.”
- “You’re a wonderful husband/wife.”
- “I’m so glad I don’t have to go through this alone. I’m glad you’re beside me.”
- “I love you. Even though I’m struggling right now, I do love you.”
And, of course, our favorite: “This is just hormones, honey. I think you’re the best thing ever.”
2. Talk realistically about your finances
The financial burden of treating infertility is astronomical. Maybe you have an awesome health plan that covers it, or maybe, like us, you don’t. Be realistic.
There was no way, with being self-employed, that we could do all the intensive infertility treatments available out there. So, we could sell the farm and look for different jobs that might have better coverage, or we could limit the infertility treatments to what we could pay out-of-pocket.
We decided, together, to keep the farm.
Maybe you would sell it. Maybe you and your husband are at the place to do-whatever-it-takes. It’s not about what is right to do financially but that whatever it is you talk about it realistically and decide what to do together.
There were moments when I would have happily traded the farm for a baby, but that’s not a realistic view of the options. It wasn’t a baby vs. the farm–it was infertility treatments vs. the farm.
Also: remember this conversation about finances needs to happen regularly. This isn’t a once-for-all decision that needs to be made, but a continuing conversation that your spouse and you need to be having.
3. Pray together.
Honestly, this is probably the most important thing out of this whole list. PRAY TOGETHER.
And yes, there were times when I felt awkward initiating this when we were first married. I would wait until the lights were out at night and then I’d slip my hand over to my husband’s and I pray this broken-crazy prayer that God would give us wisdom, and help us love each other well, and teach me how to be a good wife to my husband even though I was hurting about not having babies.
My husband wasn’t one to pray aloud much, but over time, as I kept going, he started leading in that area and now one of the most wonderful parts of life are when he grabs my hand and starts praying.
In fact, I recently went through another bout of depression when the anniversary of a miscarriage came up and he stopped me, put his hand on my head, and prayed that God would give me relief. I could literally feel the depression lifting off of me. It was amazing.
Praying together has drawn us closer than anything else we’ve ever done.
4. Have sex for fun.
One of the problems with infertility is the focus on the mechanics of sex (and keeping track to tell the doctor…) instead of the pleasure and comfort of it.
Every couple is different, but for us, I try to keep the charting-part of our sex life out of my husband’s way. Oh, there are times that I tell him I’m ovulating and we laugh and try to find a way to get alone together, but for the most part I just keep a notebook with whatever information the doctor wants and if I miss some of it, I try not to worry about it.
Sex can actually be a huge comfort during grief, and God gave it to us to build intimacy. If “scheduling” times to have sex is becoming a burden or a cause of tension— STOP. Turn off the app on your phone for a while, or ignore the charting.
Practice getting back to the joy of having sex with your spouse without worrying about the best position or the best time of day or the best anything. Every sexual encounter with your spouse won’t be the bong-diggity and every sexual encounter won’t produce a baby and that’s okay. The main point of sex in marriage is life-long intimacy, not a moment of ecstasy or even procreation.
5. Talk about your infertility.
To begin with, talk to each other. Share about what you’re struggling with—listen to what your spouse is struggling with.
And then? Find some safe places to talk about it with others.
Infertility often becomes a silent struggle, kept within the bounds of a marriage. And what often happens is eventually the stress causes the marriage to implode.
God created us to be in community. Obviously, that means community within our marriage, but also community within the Body of Christ. If you’re hurting, be brave enough and strong enough to share that with the Believers around you.
I started sharing through blogging, because I’m a writer. Others may stand up in front of church and ask for prayer. Many, many others will just quietly share their struggle with close friends.
There is no one-right-way, but there is a single wrong-way and that is to keep everything inside and pretend like you’re okay when you’re not.
Infertility feels like a personal failure, but it’s not. Getting it out into the open can help you keep a true-perspective. It’s so easy for the enemy to confuse our minds when we are prideful about sharing our struggles. Be humble. Talk about it.
What about you? Have you or someone close to you struggled with infertility? If you have some tips on keeping a marriage strong while facing infertility, share them in the comments. Let’s encourage and uplift each other today.
Thanks for posting! My husband and I have been unable to have a child. We don’t have the finance to go all in on fertility treatments. I often feel like a complete failure. Having children has always been our dream, and I’ve had to learn to deal with and mourn the loss of that. I spent so much time crying and feeling low. I have a few friends who understand my pain, but I still get pressure from my family to have kids. My husbamd and i finally decided one day to stop putting our life on hold and just enjoy the blessings of marriage together, and this has been the sweetest time of marriage for us. God has blessed us so much in this time of healing! I am so thankful for peace that passes all understanding!
What a beautiful testimony! I love how God is so faithful to bless us, even through sorrows.
When my husband and I were engaged, I told him what I had feared for years…that I would have the genetic fertility issues my family had. I promised to schedule an appointment to find out for sure because I didn’t think it was fair to him to enter into a marriage where we both wanted kids only to find out it wasn’t an option for us. (Though fostering and adopting have always been part of our plan.) He looked me square in the face and said “you’re the only family I want…any person beyond that is a bonus blessing from God that we can rejoice in.” And that made me feel soo relieved to know that fertile or not, he still wanted me.
That’s so beautiful!
Love this! My husband has said something similar– he was 33 when we got married and he often would tell me that he had come to grips with being single for life, so having a wife was already a bonus.
Hi Sheila,
Thank you so much for sharing Natasha’s post! We’ve only been trying for 8 months but all those negative pregnancy tests sure get me down sometimes! This post was timed perfectly as I just saw another negative and the question came again. What’s wrong with me? Why isn’t it working? What’s God’s plan through this all? We realize that this has drawn us a lot closer to each other but why can’t we have a positive already? It’s truly been a journey of learning to trust God at another level and learning to have patience. Thank you for some encouragement on the way, especially about learning to say the important stuff. I want to be thankful and content to have my husband because he truly is an amazing man!
Still praying for a positive,
Yesenia
I’m so glad that the timing was a sign for you! That’s wonderful.
My husband and I married in our late 30s and after a year of marriage realized we were having difficulty conceiving. The challenge was especially difficult for my husband who is a physician and wanted nothing more than to diagnose and write a prescription for our dilemma but it wasn’t that easy.
While I had my own anguish about our situation one day I realized it was taking a serious toll on my husband; this was really hard on him. All too often the focus is on the woman battling infertility but treatment involves both spouses. It was a resounding reminder that in times and situations that challenge our marriage, we cannot linger in our own sorrows; instead we must cover the other spouse even when we’re tempted to wallow in our own self-pity.
We opted to proceed with infertility treatments. We were told that we had less than a 10% – 15% chance of conceiving with fertility treatments and an even smaller chance of conceiving in the first cycle. It was recommended that we try up to 4 cycles before getting more aggressive. The second thing, I learned in this season is how important it is to lean on your faith. Our doctors predictions left little hope that our time and investment in the treatments would prove to be worthwhile. But we prayed and asked God to touch that 10% – 15% chance we were told we had.
We are expecting our first child this fall after only one cycle of infertility treatment. For me, experiencing infertility made me incredibly sensitive to the emotional needs my husband has during times that challenge our marriage.
I’m so glad to hear your story.
There’s always hope when we still have faith.
I’m so curious and tried to find articles about marrying an infertile guy.
I’m getting married in less than 3 months and just found out that my soon to be husband is infertile. I mean, he just took the test without telling me before. 3 nights ago he came to my house, talked to my family about the situation. I was so shock and I couldn’t say anything.
We agreed not to take the pre marital check up, because we believe that God will bless us with kids. We also trust each other that we are healthy. But that news is just beyond my expectation. He feels guilty.
Doctor said that he has 0 sperm and our chance to have kids is very small.
I tried to break down my thoughts that my first reason of marrying him is not because he can give me kids or not. And up until now, never cross my mind to find another guy just because I want to have kids. His sister suggest us to do IVF. My sister suggest to adopt.
It’s still hard for me to decide wether I want to continue the wedding or not.
I really love him, but I’m just afraid if someday I will blame him.
I realize the intended audience here, but since the physical problem doesn’t always lie on the woman’s part I’d like to turn it around for a moment because it’s not often talked about. I realize our experience wasn’t as trying or painful as some, but I think the perspective is valuable. Apologies for the length.
Our first came easily; within the first month or two she was pregnant with our amazing son. As he grew, we so deeply wished for him to have a sibling and for us to add another to our family. So we made the decision and went for it. And went for it. And went for it. For over a year. Negatives every month, to the point where we felt we were wasting money on tests. Don’t forget, any husband who wants a child will feel that pain too. It’s like a double whammy for each spouse — you experience your pain, but also the other’s. And our son came so quickly, why wasn’t it working now?
Ultimately it took long enough that the doctors agreed to test. Testing was a budget strain (fertility treatments virtually out of the question), but we did it. And we found that she was healthy and normal, while I was . . . not up to par. After many doctor visits and eventually a consultation with a naturopathic specialist at my parents’ suggestion (and with their funding), we concluded that while it wasn’t impossible, my body was not producing as it likely used to. It had only been a few years; I couldn’t understand why such a change happened and I obsessed over it, which got us exactly nowhere.
Since it was still technically possible, I took the specialist’s treatments and we kept trying. Anyone who’s been through this understands how sex becomes almost distasteful, a repeated reminder that you’re not normal and it’s painful. I finally came to terms with the idea that we may only be given our son. One morning she showed me a positive test. Incredulous, I made her do two more just to be sure. We had a little girl 9 months later. I credit months of deep, raw, and sometimes desperate prayers from us and many close to us (including my boss, which was a bit odd at first) pleading with God, and the inspiration and path he created to treatment that finally made a difference.
I know many are going through worse. I know we got what many couples never do. And I know that the hurt is often particularly intense for women. I would never wish to minimize any of that. In the midst of your suffering, please don’t forget your husband’s heart. We eventually conceived, but it was not without cost and I still struggle with residual effects. I have tried to explain and help her understand but with little success. I continue to hope and pray to overcome it though I believe I could be stronger if I faced it with my wife’s support. I know Christ can carry us through adversity, but I still wish she and I were unified in the effort.