I’ve been a Christian marriage blogger since 2008, but a Christian sex blogger since 2012. That’s when I really changed how I saw myself.
And around 2010 or 2011, when I started transitioning to writing more about sex, I found J from Hot, Holy and Humorous. She had a great blog focused only on sex, and we quickly became blog buddies. We even met in real life when I was in Houston a few years ago!
Recently J and I were talking about the things that surprised us the more we wrote about sex, and we thought we’d share 10 of those things with you today for Top 10 Tuesday!
1. J: Higher-drive wives aren’t an anomaly; they’re fairly common.
For most of my marriage, I’ve had a robust libido. Which puts me in contrast with the majority of wives. I’ve felt this acutely in conversation with female friends who were clearly lower-drive than their husbands, often complaining about their husbands wanting sex “too much.” As the lone high-libido wife in the group, it would have been easy to feel like a freak. Yet I strongly suspected I wasn’t alone.
Then I began blogging, and oh my goodness, I cannot tell you the number of wives I’ve heard from who are the higher-drive spouse. It’s one-fourth to one-third of my email inbox at any given time. So you high-drive wives out there: You are not weird, and you are not alone.
Sheila: I remember when I wrote the 29 Days to Great Sex series leading up to the release of my book The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, and the most common criticism I got of it was “what about us wives whose husbands don’t want sex?” When I did the surveys for The Good Girl’s Guide I found that about 25% of wives have higher drives than their husbands. So I’ve written a TON about that side of the equation since then, too!
2. Sheila: To some (a loud few) of male commenters: Do you understand how creepy you sound?
I have a ton of male readers, and the vast, vast majority are wonderful and I really appreciate them. Many are trying to get through their difficult marriages with grace and love. But then there are those who use the Bible as a weapon, and who are, quite frankly, super scary.
I always thought that version of Christianity where the men order their wives around and demand things based on Scripture verses was a caricature, but it’s really out there: The men who claim that women can never deny their husbands sex, including in the six weeks after childbirth (because that’s just what a doctor says, not what God says); The men who say that marital rape can’t exist (because women can’t deny their husbands); The men who say that women have no right to question their husband’s authority or else they’re usurpers. I found such freedom when I decided to just ban such people! They’re still a small minority, but they’re so loud, and I won’t have those comments on my blog misrepresenting God to others who would visit here.
J: I’ve also been shocked at some of the comments I’ve received, especially about rape and porn. Thankfully, they’re the minority, but I hate thinking about those people representing Christianity out in the world, because it’s not the message about sex that God longs for us to spread.
3. J: Sex research has largely been wrong about women.
For a long time, the prevalent view was that the sexual response cycle looked like this:
Desire (thoughts, fantasies, and motivation to engage in sex) à Arousal (physiological and emotional responses) à Orgasm (ta-da!) à Resolution (sliding back into reality)
While that’s what it looks like for the majority of men (and perhaps high-drive spouses generally), it doesn’t represent female arousal well. For many wives, you can take those first two and flip them. Maybe even add the word “Decision” in the beginning, so that you have: Decision à Arousal à Desire à Orgasm à Resolution. Once you know this, it changes so much about how you address low libido. And if this is a better description of you, check out Sheila’s new course on Boost Your Libido.
Sheila: Oh, this is one of the BIG things that I talk about in the course! (and thanks for bringing that up!). This was probably the biggest revelation that changed my own sex life, too. I remember just lying there letting my mind wander, thinking, “If he just does it right then I’ll be in raptures.” But I’ve found that I have to engage my brain to enjoy sex. And when I do–it really does work!
4. Sheila: It’s sad how common vaginismus is (pain during sex).
I had it for the first few years of our marriage. I really thought I was the only one. But as I’ve written about it, I’ve heard from so many women who are also struggling with it. Before I married I never even knew such a thing existed, but it is common, and I’m so humbled that I can help people who are going through just what I did.
J: I’m glad you’ve talked about this. Sex shouldn’t be painful! After my first child was born, attempting intercourse felt like being sliced by a sword. Turned out I was way low on estrogen, and tackling that solved the problem.
5. J: There’s a difference between marital aids and sex toys.
When I first wrote about sex toys, I didn’t have much of an opinion. I didn’t use them, but I was open to others using them in their marriage bed. However, since learning more and more, I’ve become far more cautious about recommending their use.
Sex toys can genuinely help married couples who have a specific and persistent problem, like a penis ring for a husband with trouble maintaining an erection or a vibrator for a wife who cannot reach orgasm any other way. I think of those as marital aids, and it’s good that we have those options.
But too often, spouses are just grabbing the sex toy because it’s new or easy or kinky, instead of figuring out to arouse and pleasure their partner with the body parts God gave them. And, as Sheila has often said, that treats sex as merely physical when it’s meant to be more. Most couples are better off focusing on relationship, communication, and skills to improve their sexual intimacy, rather than just grabbing the latest toy.
Sheila: I love this distinction between marital aids and sex toys, J! I’ve come out saying “let’s be careful about sex toys“, too, because I think sometimes we’re looking in the wrong place for what really makes sex hot. But at the same time, I do know that there are some things that may be useful in some situations.
6. Sheila: A lot of people have no idea what should be Red Flags when it comes to a person’s sex life.
We don’t talk about sex enough I think when kids are growing up, and then when they get married and bad things happen, they think, “Oh, this must be one of those marriage problems everyone deals with.” And then they tell me the details and I freak out. “Oh. My. Goodness. That is terrible!”
I’ve had a few women just this week talk about how their husbands secretly photograph women working out at the gym and then crop those photos to show just cleavage or crotches on their computers. That’s not normal! Or guys who can only perform sexually when the women are play-acting or dressing in costume. NOT NORMAL. We need to prepare people more to say, “No, that’s not right, and you need serious help.” So many have no idea that “this honestly is not what most people experience.”
J: My heart breaks when I get an email from a wife who wants to please her husband, but then she tells me some insane thing he wants to do in bed and asks, “Should I do it?” I’m thinking, “Let’s see, would you poke yourself with an ice pick? Because this is analogous to that.” Of course, I tame my actual response back to the wife, but it’s sad they don’t feel confident about setting reasonable boundaries.
7. J: We’re really selfish about sex.
I’d now guess that 90% of conflict about sexual intimacy in marriages is due to one or both spouses being selfish. Before you get mad at me for saying that, let me assure I’ve been guilty too. But we tend to view sex in terms of what we want, or even that we don’t want it, without putting ourselves in our spouse’s shoes and understanding what’s going on in their mind and heart.
I spend a lot of time trying to get readers to see the other side of the coin. Like if your spouse is refusing sex, instead of focusing on Woe is me, I haven’t had any in a week, find out why they don’t want to have sex with you. And do it with compassion. I’ve known of couples where a wife finally revealed that she was sexually abused as a child or a husband admitted a porn problem, and that becomes the beginning of healing. But if a spouse doesn’t feel safe with you to express their struggle, you’ll never get to the bottom of it. We’ve got to get outside ourselves and reach out to our spouse with love. You know, Jesus-style.
Sheila: Absolutely true! I’ve found that in marriage, pretty much all problems are caused by two things: selfishness or brokenness. And often the two feed each other. I’m still really saddened by the comments on this post about a woman not comfortable with her breasts being touched. It shows the selfishness dynamic so much, and we need to get past that.
8. Sheila: Far too many women got married without realizing what they were getting in to.
The truth is we can’t fix marriage. A marriage is only as healthy as its unhealthiest spouse, and so many women have married guys who are psychologically and emotional unhealthy, or at least very self-centered and immature. Yes, God can change them, but what they’re going through in the interim is really awful. We need to prepare young women better to make good choices. Just because a guy professes Christ does not mean that he has good character. And so many of the marriage problems I see could have been prevented if we had spent more time really looking at character and not listening to all the messages around us about how “God loves marriage” and “God wants you to get married”. Yes, that’s true–but no one should feel rushed into something.
J: I also think marriages are only as happy as the unhappiest spouse. We need to choose mates who will be intentional about holiness, health, and happiness.
9. J: Christians are okay with talking about sex.
I was anonymous for maybe three years after I began my blog, going by simply J with no identifying information. Then Sheila came to town. Actually, I was moving toward revealing myself anyway, but it all coincided with her bringing her Girl Talk to Houston. It took a bit more time for my friends and church family to learn what I’d been up to for a while.
Us meeting in Houston! Her book covers are different now, but it was a great night!
But you know what? I’ve gotten way more atta-girls than side looks, and no one has personally scolded me for talking about sex. In fact, I’ve had candid conversations with friends happy to discover they knew someone to talk to about sexual issues. My church also supported me teaching a Sunday morning women’s class on God and Sexuality. Because most Christians are not only willing to talk about sex; they’re hungry to talk about it from a biblical perspective and get answers.
Sheila: YES! So many yeses! I hear from so many people that “Christians just aren’t comfortable talking about sex”, but I think that’s a misconception. Yes, we can’t talk about the details of a person’s sex life from the pulpit, and some things are best shared online or in single-sex studies. But that doesn’t mean that Christians are uptight. And in fact, the response I get when I bring my Girl Talk to churches is overwhelming! People really love the anonymous Q&A especially because they have so many questions.
10. Sheila: You really can build a community online.
I’ve gotten to know so many bloggers and so many of my regular readers, and I’ve had the chance to meet with so many of them (including you!) as I’ve spoken around North America. We really do form bonds. People talk about the internet as only quasi-community or false community, and to a certain extent there’s some truth to that. But I also know I’ve met friends here, and I pray for so many of my readers, and that’s been great.
J: It’s funny how well you really do know someone after interacting with them online (assuming you’re both authentic, which we are). I can attest that the Sheila here on the blog is the same Sheila in real life. I do wish there was a way to have a coffee date with all of our readers, because that’s how I often picture my posts—chatting with a friend over coffee.
Now it’s your turn, readers. When it comes to sex in marriage, what shift in perspective have you experienced?
Remember: Find J at Hot, Holy and Humorous!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Totally agree with number 10 Sheila. Was happy to meet you last fall at Menchies’ I felt bad because I talked you ear off,, on the way home I thought..Boy, she must really think I have serious problems! But you listened & I greatly appreciate that!
Oh, it was so fun to meet you, too! I totally believe in online communities, but I love it when they spill over into real life friendships! đ
Nice article. I am a husband that often reads your blog. I do so to try to understand how my wife may look at various aspects of marriage, including sex. Yes, we talk. But sometimes conversations here bring up ideas or thoughts that I would never have considered before. Often I agree with your articles, but even if I don’t, you provide something to think about and a perspective that I hadn’t thought about before. And it is encouraging when you or J provide confirming words that our marriage is continuing in the right direction.
Thanks so much! We definitely want our marriages headed in the right direction.
Yay! I’m glad you find it useful. And, honestly, let me reiterate: I’m really glad that men are on this blog, and I’m trying to figure out how to write more to be useful to the men and how to engage men. It is really important.
I go back and forth on reading both sites and it mostly mirrors what’s happening in my life at the time. Christians are willing to talk about sex and I’m glad you both get rid of a lot of the misconceptions. I’m an older woman (in a young person’s body) and I do know desires change – and I’m quite ok with that (most of the time). I think sometimes context is missing – which is why I pick and choose what I read. I think you’re more skewed toward a younger audience or those dealing with younger children, but not so much empty nesters. BTW – there’s a little bit of creepy in a lot of Christian men because that’s the overriding message they initially hear from the pulpit. Glad that you both tell them they’re wrong and ban them but it is an initial burden on some women who just don’t know or aren’t strong enough to deal with it. Keep encouraging women to know the Word and themselves so that they can deal with whatever comes their way in life and marriage.
Thanks for sharing. I remember when I discovered both of you.
Thanks for reading! (Yes, I recognize your name. đ ) Blessings!
Thank you, Nylse! And I know, right? “Glad that you both tell them theyâre wrong and ban them but it is an initial burden on some women who just donât know or arenât strong enough to deal with it.” I’m always so surprised when I see these attitudes, but then I run into churches that actually teach them. And I think–what are those poor girls growing up in those churches going to have to deal with?
Huge AMEN to number 8! Breaks one’s heart to see those dear sisters. And girls keep marrying like that! Please, ladies, if you have ANY materials for educating single Christian girls and women in this respect, share. A ebook, an article, or something. Or recommend a some source. Or let’s have a discussion about that. This is a growing problem in churches in Russia. With your permission, I’ll be eager to translate such materials into Russian or just make a report. And I will thoroughly share this material with single ladies in my country.
Another concern is: how can we serve a married sister, who found herself in a marriage like this? It’s so much more than just sex, it’s like “how can you live with an abusive, selfish, sick person like that?!” And yes, “how do you go to bed with a man like that?”
One more thing: most churches in Russia teach complemetarian approach to marriage. And that’s what we believe. Shouldn’t a gal under this teaching look and think even harder, what she is getting herself and her future kids into?
Thank you for what you do. Will be greatful for any help, advice or discussion.
Blessings,
Katya from Russia
Both Sehila and I entirely agree that you don’t submit to someone who wants you to act outside of God’s clear will. Even if it’s your husband. (Acts 5:29: “But Peter and the apostles answered, ‘We must obey God rather than men.'”)
I don’t really specialize in speaking to single women about choosing a mate, but Sheila might have some resources to recommend. The one book I know of from a name I trust is THE SACRED SEARCH by Gary Thomas.
Thank you, I ‘ll read it.
Ok, I looked up the book on the Amazon. I can get it on my Kindle, so that’s easy. There are a couple of other books worth reading mentioned in the reviews. And there are some helpful articles on Designing God website. So, there’s work for me to do. The only thing is that all those resources are written by men. It would be great to read something on the topic written by a woman!
Let me think about that! If you want a general marriage book, my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage is really good. đ For marriage in general, Love and War is also really good. For finding a mate, though, I’d say Sacred Search and The New Rules of Love, Sex and Dating by Andy Stanley. Both excellent.
I LOVE Sacred Search! It’s a great book!
Thank you, dear sisters! A lot of materials to study!
As a young single person myself, the Sacred Search really revolutionized some of the ways I’d been thinking about dating and marriage, I wish I’d read it in high school instead of last year. I’d HIGHLY recommend that book. I also REALLY wish there was more material for us singles that wasn’t just sex-before-marriage-is-bad. And more written by women! Sheila/J mention wanting girls to choose more carefully, but really there’s a lot of conflicting messages out there and it’s almost as un-talked-about (in a practical, red-flags and deal-breakers kind of way) as sex in a lot of Christian circles; I think it goes back to the whole erroneous “God will send me the ONE” concept. I’ve not even been able to find a good blog on the topic. đ Sheila’s is the best I’ve found, but isn’t really written to singles. It addresses brokenness and problems in marriage but not in a pre-marriage, dating, or looking scenario.
Hi Sarah,
That’s actually a great idea! Maybe I should work on that–a guide for singles on how to choose well when you marry? And how to choose well in the dating period? I agree, there isn’t much out there, and I’m amazed by how many singles are on my blog looking for advice. I really do want to cater to you all more. Thanks for the ideas! I’ll mull them over and pray about it.
I absolutely agree with #6 and #8 and that is what I commented on yesterday’s post that a full disclosure and honest talk about sexual history needs to happen before marriage. If it didn’t, then do it now, potentially in the presence of a reputable therapist if you suspect it will be difficult.
Yes, I’d agree with that.
I agree that sexual history is very important. However, I think other histories are very important, too. I recommend the Personal History
Questionnaire from Dr. Willard Harley’s website as a resource for all of these histories. My biggest complaint is that it does not specifically ask about abortion or undesired sex (e.g. rape, sexual abuse). Nonetheless, it would be a great starting point for some important pre-marriage discussions, with or without a therapist/counselor. Note: It can well worthwhile for married couples, too.
I enjoy reading both of your blogs, and today’s post was a treat. Keep up the good work!
Thanks so much!
Glad you enjoyed it!
I love BOTH of your blogs. I think I found HHH from LHV? I read
them weekly. What I really love is sending my husband a link to a really good blog and saying “what do you think of this?” It helps us to work through some difficult things. And because the blogs are so well-written and AMAZING, he responds! It is like a third person can really help us. *I* am not accusing him of being higher-drive or whatever thing I am feeling…it’s Sheila or J writing about it. It opens up the lines of communication for us! We have a stronger marriage and better sex life because of you both. Thank you and God bless!!!
That’s so awesome, Ermie! And you know, that’s really common. It’s so much easier to talk about something if SOMEONE ELSE has said it, rather than you. I think that’s a great use for blogs! đ
Thanks, Ermie! I show my husband blog posts too sometimes. It’s a nice way to open up discussion.
I noticed how most of your 10 surprises are critical of men. But I know some men have it coming.
Honestly, I think it’s just the volume of emails and comments I get. It’s quite overwhelming the severity of problems that so many women have. I often think that it was nicer when I lived in my “bubble” and didn’t know all of this stuff! đ
I’m the same way. I hear from men, but the majority of messages I receive are from women. And I tend to tailor my message to the ladies as well.
Thanks to J and Sheila for your helpful, God-honoring blogs about marriage and sex! I am a new bride of 7 months and often look to both of your websites for practical advice and encouragement! Marriage has been WONDERFUL so far and your books and blogs have been so helpful for my husband and I on our journey learning about each other sexually (we were both virgins until our wedding night and have really benefited from the practical tips, as well as learning how to serve each other and the spiritual side of sex as God created it đ ). THANKS AGAIN! <3 <3 "S"
You’re so welcome! I’m glad we could play a part in your journey!
I think that number 8 goes both ways. I don’t think either sex knows what they are getting into with marriage. For me as a man, i had no clue about the body image issues women have. After many years of a sexless marriage i finally accepted that its just the way it is.
My dad was one of the super scary types, which made me deathly afraid of christian marriage and that I would never be good enough to be a Christian wife. I’m now almost 45 and while I don’t sleep around (which no one should) I know my sex drive is “up there” which made me feel even more foreign. I’ve only felt comfortable talking about it with one of my guy friends but it is an on going struggle. It is SUCH a relief to know that, while God created all of us to be beautifully unique, He didn’t make me a weirdo. Thanks for sharing
Definitely not a weirdo! đ I’m glad you found us.
You sex-blogger Christian women are fantastic. Keep up the good work.
You have some great comments:
Your Point #1
Wow. A lot of your inbox contains messages from higher-drive wives?
Iâm one of those high-libido Christian women. The church always pretended I didnât exist. It also pretended that low-libido men did not exist. Iâm so glad to hear you talking about it and I encourage wives to discuss it with their husbands and look for creative solutions. Iâm married to a wonderful man whose medical condition and Rx drugs have lowered his ability to get hard. Fortunately heâs great at oral sex.
Your Point #2
As you rightly pointed out, men who think raping their wives is okay are wrong. It can be a criminal offense. Men donât own their wivesânot even in biblical times. The bride-price husbands paid was set aside in trust for the wife in case of his early death or divorce. It wasnât a payment to her father for âownership.â
Your Point #8
Character is more important than anything in marriage. For my first marriage, I met my husband at church. He loved church. He loved volunteering. He loved attending.
He also loved molesting children.
Forget how someone identifies. People can claim they are Christians and do all the right things publicly and be horrid behind the scenes. My second marriage is so much better. Husband #2 is a gem.
So true, Anonymous, on all three points! I’m especially bothered by the character one–I truly don’t know how to teach young women to look for character and see beyond people just saying the right things. I hope we come up with a better one for that!
As for higher drive wives, I have a week on that coming up next week! And J will be blogging again for it!
Coming across your blog is a prayer answered. I have wondered where Christian’s can go for counsel with sex especially in my country Nigeria.
As a counselor, i thought of starting a blog, but I have not been able to gather enough materials.
Am glad I can recommend your blog.
Great one
Totally agree with you on #5. There is no need for sex toys! There’s so much pleasure with out them! They’re creepy to me.
I’m shocked about some of the other issues.
Marriage sex is the greatest gift God has given us, besides Jesus! In fact, when my husband and I are being intimate, I pray and praise God for this gift and how He created us, and when I bring Him into that time my climax is rediculous! Pray continuously!
Womem/men also need to know that birth control pills decrease your labido. Ive been married for 16 years and always thought mine was high until I stopped taking them, 1.5 years ago. Since I stopped it’s quadrupled! We do something almost every night! I’m telling this bc it has completely transformed my marriage! We are so much more sensitive to each other now regarding everything! We want to tell the whole world so that they can have the same experience but it’s not something you post on social media. Tecently found you guys and your blogs are great to be able to share with other Christians and talk about issues that you can’t talk about locally. Thanks for letting me share!
I am the wife in #1,#6, #8. I think some of that is due to my naive innocence and some was due to the fact that my husband didnât fully show his true self when we dated. We came from very opposite upbringings. Even though he was saved he had lots of history and baggage, had a disfunctional family, and a worldly influenced foundation. I was very sheltered, Christian, virgin, dated very little, had a healthy functional Christian family. When we met he was a good Christian guy who had turned his life around I was aware he had baggage but did not know how much it would affect me. Our dating relationship seemed perfect we got along great, prayed and did bible studies together and didnât have a single argument. So much changed when we got married we started arguing, he didnât want to have sex the 2nd day, he was telling me my body could be better. He didnât want to kiss or make out because âwe can have sex nowâ Found out he was watching porn frequently. Which he tried to blame on me because âI didnât know what I was doingâ and didnât attempt to workout to make my body better like he suggested. I feel that I couldâve divorced guilt free years ago between unfaithfulness and verbal/emotional abuse. However I was determined not to become a divorce statistic and didnât not want to have a broken family with 2 little ones. But now when things get difficult I look back and wish I could do things differently because I am hurt and have no fight left. Most things now are more common marital problems with the seldom occasional reverting back to his old ways. Donât get me wrong things have improved greatly but Iâm having a hard time trying to not wait on the straw that breaks the camels back. We just celebrated 7 years and I am thankful and know itâs an accomplishment and a blessing. I have hope that God is faithful and His grace is enough to heal us both and restore our relationship. Please pray for me for wisdom and long-suffering that I would do what is right but not be naive or blind and stay in an unhealthy abusive or unfaithful relationship.