What do you do when your husband is having a midlife crisis?
On Mondays I like to take a reader question and try to answer it. This week I want to look at aging issues in marriage, and one of the biggest ones relates to this problem of midlife crises. My reader writes:
My husband is going through a midlife crisis. I would love to make love with him. However, he’s not letting me near him. His mind and heart have been focused elsewhere for that long.
I really wish I was educated on midlife crisis so I could have seen this coming and done what I could to prevent such choices that hurt the marriage. I don’t see people discussing midlife crisis except as a joke. It’s a deeply painful topic. If more people understood how midlife crisis can devastate marriages then maybe the midlife crisis in future would be nothing more than a blip in life. More people would be proactive and ensure that God is central to their marriage.
Isn’t that sad? I guess that’s not a question so much as a request to address the concept of how to walk beside your husband when he is having a midlife crisis. I don’t know if I have any good answers, but let’s explore this.
'A midlife crisis can affect anyone--even Christians. Here's what it looks like, and what to do:'Click To TweetThe Two Causes of a MidLife Crisis
Generally, people have a midlife crisis for one of two reasons:
- They realize that they will never accomplish everything they wanted to;
- Or they realize that they HAVE accomplished what they set out to do, and it still isn’t enough.
I think men tend to be more prone to #1, and women tend to be more prone to #2 (although men can experience that one, too).
So much of our identity is based on the goals that we have. We strive for them, we invest emotional energy in them, and they start to define who we are. That’s what’s anchored and oriented us for ever so long.
But what happens when those goals are no longer the focus? Then we feel lost, as if have no real purpose, and we start questioning our choices. Often that even involves questioning whether past choices (including marriage) were worth it.
The midlife crisis that comes from accomplishing your goals–and realizing that it wasn’t enough
We see this in women often when their goals become completely caught up in their children. Their identity is as a mom, and when the kids head off to college, or when they stop homeschooling, or when children grow up and actually reject the parents’ influence, then the mom feels anchorless, like she can’t get her footing.
They’ve accomplished it, and they’ve finished their goals, but now life has little meaning because the goal itself was the meaning.
I’ve also known men to go through this (and women, too, in a professional capacity). One husband I know spent twenty years sacrificing to build a successful business. His wife supported him, making all the meals and holding the family together while he worked long hours and built it up.
Then, in his mid-forties, he was offered a substantial buy-out. He took it.
He left his wife a year later. So much of his identity was in building that business, that when he had accomplished that goal, everything else seemed meaningless.
The midlife crisis that comes from realizing you will never accomplish your goals
Then there’s that realization that you’ll never be where you wanted to be. Maybe you wanted to get somewhere in your career. You wanted to own your own house, or have certain possessions. Maybe you even wanted to become a parent, and now it isn’t going to happen.
Your identity is now gone. What do you do?
A midlife crisis is a search for new identity
My husband walked through this over the last few years. Five years ago he landed his most perfect job. After years of working so hard and being on call far too often and seeing his health suffer, he landed a position in a teaching hospital where he could teach future doctors (something he loves); work with awesome and knowledgeable colleagues; and rebuild an academic program.
It was wonderful.
But then we realized that it didn’t fit with our schedule, our marriage, or where we wanted to be in life. We didn’t want him wedded to a job that required a long commute. We wanted to do more travelling. We wanted to start speaking at more marriage conferences. He loves birdwatching, and he wanted to start touring with me as I took my Girl Talk to churches so he could see more birds.
Over a two year period he had to come to terms with the fact that he couldn’t do his dream job and still live the life we felt called to live (that involved a lot of speaking).
Keith has worked so hard at being a doctor. He studied hard, he holds the responsibility seriously, and he truly cares about his patients. And while he still is a doctor, he doesn’t have the fancy academic titles anymore. He said goodbye to the dream he had.
No idea what my expression is here. But we love speaking together!
Thoughts on Avoiding the Worst of the Midlife Crisis
Keith and I survived relatively unscathed. But some things can make a midlife crisis worse. So let’s look at how to avoid things blowing up:
'4 Ways to Make Sure a Midlife Crisis Doesn't Blow Up Your Marriage: 'Click To Tweet
1. Take care of your mental and physical health early
If the person already suffers from mild depression, or if they have ignored health issues for far too long, then the crisis can come on far worse. Depression can make disappointment blow up out of proportion, and the health problems can cause despondency, too.
When you’re younger, then, address any depression as it comes up. Talk to a doctor. And eat well in your thirties. Don’t wait until your forties when the weight creeps up and you can’t ignore things anymore.
2. Stay rooted in community
People who are more prone to a midlife crisis are also people whose emotional energy is primarily directed at achieving their goal–whether it’s personal or professional. The more emotional energy you can put in other places, then, the less punch a midlife re-orientation of goals will have. When you have good friends and a good church body, and when you serve there and appreciate the fruits of your labours there, then you’ll have more to your life than just those goals.
3. Keep your couple goals first and foremost
Most of us have career and personal goals. But do we have couple goals? Do we have things that we want to accomplish together? When I think back on my friend who threw herself into supporting her husband’s business, I wonder if that was part of the problem (although seriously–she is NOT to blame for his affair! Absolutely not!). But sometimes we wives can think that we’re doing this awesome thing by sacrificing everything so that he can earn the money for the family, but in turn we kind of cement this idea that you both have separate lives–he has the business, and you have the family.
It’s great to support your husband. When Keith was in his residency program and the babies were small, I got up with them every night because Keith really needed the sleep. I brought him food when he was on call. I did almost all of the housework. But I did all of that because when Keith was around, what I really wanted was just to be able to enjoy couple time, not have him dust a coffee table. And so we cherished those times together.
Just be careful that in your good and God-given desire to support your husband, you don’t end up creating a family where it’s Husband on one side and Mom and the kids on the other.
Want some ideas for couple goals? Here’s a great post with practical ideas on setting goals as a couple!
4. Don’t let a goal become your idol
Here’s the most important one to me, though. Don’t ever let a goal become your idol. It’s great to have goals. But our goals are absolutely meaningless unless they’re rooted in God’s purpose for our lives. And thus, goals are really secondary to a primary thing: serving God.
Here’s how this may work. Your goal is to serve God and to see His kingdom come on earth, as it is in heaven. You believe that the specific way in which you are called to live that out here on earth may be to start a restaurant where you serve good food and give good jobs to some people in your neighbourhood. You work hard at it, but one day, for whatever reason, you have to leave that business. That’s okay, because now you know you’re stepping into something else that God has for you.
But if the restaurant became your main goal, then that can be really traumatic.
Our goals are only the specific ways in which we live out God’s purposes. But His calling should always be our #1 goal. If one way ends, then, it only means another is beginning. That’s what Keith and I found in our marriage, and it made it much easier to bear.
Final Thoughts on walking alongside a husband in a midlife crisis
If your husband is in a full-blown midlife crisis, though, it’s going to be hard. He’s likely to withdraw while he thinks, and you’ll be so tempted to try to pull him back. He’s likely to be angry and lash out at you, because you represent the previous life that he feels as if he has now lost. He may even shut you out of his future plans.
It’s going to be heartbreaking and scary and lonely.
You’re going to need to pray, and pray HARD. But let him walk through this, because he needs to in order to let God have the full impact in his life. He needs to be humbled and oriented back to God.
Surround yourself with community while you are scared. Keep yourself healthy. And, if your husband is completely pushing you away and starting to get into something really wrong, then seek out a counsellor for help in how to confront him. My book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, can also help you in this.
What 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage Has to Say
A peacekeeper tries not to rock the boat, but in the process they don’t always deal with issues. A peacemaker, on the other hand, tries to address real issues so that you can feel in unity again. In this book, I show you how to walk alongside someone and be a peacemaker. And I show what to do when you may need to get some help for your marriage.
We do need to talk more about what it’s like having a husband in a midlife crisis.
So let’s talk! If you’ve walked through this, tell us in the comments: what was it like? How did you get through it? Any advice for the rest of us?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I love reading your blog every week! But I just had one comment about the new design. I usually catch up on a few days in a row, and so would read the post then click directly on the link for the next oldest or newest at the bottom of the page. However now I need to return to the home page every time I want to read the next post! And it tends to crash my iPad.
Hoping there is some way that lovely feature could return!
Thank you for all the great work you do. I grow and learn from reading your thoughtful words, 🙂
Thanks for letting us know, Katarina! You’re right, that needs to change!! I’ll get on that 🙂
Thanks 🙂 So great you are working on the blog as well!
My husband started his midlife crisis 4 years ago. Since then he’s lost the 22year long job, and 1 other short one. He blamed me and will even say; if I didn’t have you, my life would be so much better. I have waked thru a 2 year affair- made him move out for that- and walked thru angry bits of rude disgust and literally pushing me away. It takes everything I have not to scaream FU and run for the hills. I used to argue back the first year….now I’ve learned to smile, nod or let things roll of my dhoulder. He moved home 2 years ago- “she” was gone. Moved home not because he wanted to, but because there was no money for two places. for me the past four years have been difficult. First year was hell, the second year was still bad and the third and fourth year I have spent learning about myself and life and getting close to many girls I never would have known as well as I do now . I have an amazing life: a great career, awesome kids, a beautiful home and have really accepted GOD in my life. I’ve always known my purpose here on earth. While my husband has never found his. When I try to encourage, suggest or inspire, it’s turned around to make me look like the bad guy. So I don’t do it anymore. I have one rule in my house for myself: smile. Smile all the time. It does two things: 1) I feel good. Even if I don’t. I do. It makes me feel better 2) my kids notice. and my kids see that I am happy. They know the truth. They know how dad is not very kind to mom. They know that dad was gone for two years with some other girl. No one talks about it, and they adore their dad, but I know in the future one day they will look at me as the rock. Girl that persevered even when things were at the worst. My husband was a great guy. I still believe he is in there. He is just not happy with himself. And if you do not love yourself, you can’t possibly love another. So if you are in this mess….pray. Write down what you want. Details. Lists. One big thing!!! Then stare at it. Imagine it all true and real. Believe it. When my husband came to me to tell me he was in love with another woman and was going to divorce me to be with her, I almost died. That was 4 years ago! I haven’t died my friends, ive lived. Better than before. And during this time I’d imagine them having fights and his head bavk on my pillow in bed. I did this every night before I went to bed. And I kept a smile on my face whenever he saw me! (I wanted him to know- he was losing me- a great happy fun catch!!) (and I will say my happy nature annoyed him) (ha). But one day months and months later- his head is back on my beds pillow. Next to me. Sometimes we snuggle. Sometimes he’s a jerk. But what I do know is that my mind Abd my thoughts are my reality. What make ME happy. And that’s what I choose…cause I can’t control him. But (because the MCL is not over) if he decides to leave again, I will be fine. Because I know me now. And I’m a cool girl. You have to believe that too!!! Just be the best version of you. It’s who you are and who God meant you to be. No one leaves a good woman. They may fit a little while, but not forever. Pray and visualize!!
Thank you so much for sharing your story! That’s really encouraging. And I love your perspective!
This made me feel like there is hope.
I could use some advice. I met my husdand when he moved to my town, we’ve been married almost 20 years now. We have several children, all still in school. He moved here, needing something different. He is not happy here now, we live in a tiny rural community, and he doesn’t want to invest in the life here, Now he wants to move again, wanting to move to a location that has more to offer, & to have a more outdoor lifestyle.
Problem is that the kids are angry at the thought. And I am worried it’s just a mid life crisis. That life wouldn’t be the way he imagines, and that it’ll ruin his already rocky relationship with his kids(& me).
He often mentions that he has too many demons here(he moved to escape the memories of an abusive childhood) now he feels he needs something different. He’s definitely depressed, finding very little joy from life, his family, or his job. He feels he’s lost all his dreams and this is his new dream, feeling like he’d finally be able to enjoy life and enjoy me and the kids more, if we moved.
Do I respect my husband, by allowing him to lead our family away? Is it disrespectful and ruining our family if I make him stay here? I don’t know what to do, and he won’t talk to a therapist or pastor for a third party opinion.
The husband is the leader of the home. Follow your husband and support him. Don’t allow your children to speak ill of him as it is disrespectful to their father. You can certainly let your concerns and preferences be known, but you must ultimately follow your husband’s lead. He is not asking you to do something immoral, only to move to another place, so this is an area where his authority stands.
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Ruth, if he has depression, that really does need to be dealt with. A move won’t just help that. Also, if he has an abusive childhood, then he likely has some major issues that are coming to the forefront, and he wants to move because to stay still with nothing to do helps those things come into his mind more. If your children are the same age as he was when the abuse took place, that can be especially triggering.
I’d say don’t close yourself off to the idea of moving, because it could be good for the family, but I think you really need to get your relationship on track before you move. If it isn’t, a move is only going to throw everything up in the air. Can you spend a month or two trying to reconnect and really build your friendship and set some goals together? And perhaps invite people he respects over to dinner to help talk about some of the underlying issues? Depression, especially if it stems from childhood abuse, really can’t be taken lightly, and he does need to have this dealt with. I’ll pray that his heart will soften towards that.
You guys are a team; neither one of you can “make” the other one do anything. If your relationships are already rocky and he’s not happy in general, I suspect a move won’t fix anything, at least not long-term, because *he* won’t have changed. Sheila’s written some great pieces on tackling sticky issues like that; I don’t know where they are on the blog exactly but I bet she or Rebecca would know. Either way, it’s a decision to make together, and if he’s not willing to discuss things with you then that’s a far bigger red flag than the move itself. Best of luck to you guys; that sounds like a really sticky situation. :hug:
I agree with allowing your husband to lead. But, if he is making decisions because he is emotionally or mentally unstable you need to fight for and advocate for him to pursue mental health services. He needs to be healthy to lead your family in wise ways.
The entire family should not be subject to the leading of an emotionally unstable person.
Now, I am talking about if he really is making unwise decisions based on lack of mental health. Not just that you want to do something different, so you must be right and since you are right, he must be wrong and needs to see a counselor to understand why he is wrong.
AAAH. This is exactly what is happening to BOTH my parents AT THE SAME TIME.
My dad spent his entire life building his career. I’m really not exaggerating when I say he worked 60-80 hours a week since his 20’s. My mom was 100% invested in the children.
Then they moved here. My youngest sister is getting married in July and my dad has not been able to find full time work here (for a few years now). My dad is angry and withdrawn and lashes out at my mom. My mom has some serious depressive tendencies. It’s driving us crazy. My mom has been doing a bit better providing in home child care for a couple in our church part time. But my dad seems to be in hard-core denial. He’s refusing to talk, refusing counseling and seems to be trying his hardest to deny that there’s a problem. My sister and I are about ready to strangle him.
Oh, that sounds so hard! I’m so sorry. I can imagine how frustrating that can be!
I have a different take on a ‘midlife crisis’. My husband is 53, I’m 44. So, he’s been laid off for over a year. He’s been taking HVAC(Heating Venting Air Conditioning) classes at a local For-Profit school, which is paid for by the company that laid him off. Since they laid off about 2k workers last year. He gets unemployment monies. But, once his classes are finished in May of this year, if he doesn’t have a job, the unemployment monies end. The job market in my area is not good for manufacturing and industries where he could work as an HVAC technician…….
I am an RN of 20 yrs. I have always wanted to be a Nurse Practitioner! In the last month, I’ve looked into several on-line programs. I got a recommendation from a mother of one of my son’s classmates who has been a CRNP for a year. So I applied. Turned in my application and am waiting to hear back on when I can start. Then to line up funding. I can do this online(the classroom work). I also know several CRNP’s and have a few clinical experiences lined up already, which is a huge plus. And I’m sure my former PCP will allow me to shadow her in her office.
So, when I proposed this to my husband, he asked me how I planned to pay for it. I said well through loans of course. It’ll take me about two years to complete the program. When I’m done and pass my boards I can DOUBLE my current salary!! I think that’s a good thing! Especially if hubby isn’t able to find a job.
Hubby doesn’t think it’s a good idea to take out loans for education. I disagree. I told him this is always something I’ve wanted to do for the last 10 years. I’m not getting any younger…and if he’s unable to find work, once I’m finished with my schooling, we wouldn’t NEED his salary to pay our bills.
I know it’s a huge blow to a male ego, not being able to support his family. He should’ve thought about this when he was in his 20’s and gone to college. Nope, instead, he was more interested in partying with his buddies. While college isn’t for everyone, without a college degree, I wouldn’t be able to make the money I’m making now. He would’ve been a great history teacher as he LOVES WWII stuff. My brother is a History teacher now.
Hubby is having a mid-life crisis, of the opposite kind. He’s in despair because he can’t find a job.
Dr. James Dobson wrote a book titled “Love must be tough”. It is an excellent read for every marriage, but I feel it is especially helpful for marriages in crisis.
I totally agree. That’s a great book.
I am 44 year old woman who has been married for 22 years. I have been in a midlife crisis for two years now. My crisis is because I have never had any goals or dreams. My identity was wrapped up in my husband. While it has been an amazing journey of self discovery, it has been the most difficult time in our marriage. While my husband is good at letting me walk through this, he does not press in enough to get me to share truly what is going on inside of me. He truly is not sure if he likes this “newer” person that I am now. I would encourage the wife to allow her husband to have the space to express what’s really going on but to actively walk with him through this. Counseling helps.
I also need to say that your comment about the wife needing to pray because the husband needs to humble and orient himself back to God was very offensive and upsetting for me. While there is some rebellion in midlife crisis it does not mean that we have turned away from God. In some ways my faith is even stronger now. Please be careful about making such judgmental statements. There are those of us who are trying to honor God and are working hard to keep our marriages and families together!
I agree with the questioner. There needs to be a network of support out there for spouses and the people that are going through midlife crisis. But know that they cannot always be prevented.
Midlife crisis are kind of very much destructive for men. It can effect married life, business and various other aspects of life and can lead you to breaking down both mentally and physically. I really appreciate that you shared this. Thanks for sharing the tips to avoid these. Wife can be a strength in this bad situation and can save marriage and home both.
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