When it comes to sex, do you focus on quantity, rather than quality? Or do you believe that enthusiastic sex matters?
Every Wednesday for the last 9 years (oh, my goodness! That’s like 20% of my life!) I’ve been talking about marriage here at this blog. And this week, during the launch of my Boost Your Libido course, we’ve been looking at sex and getting excited about it again.
What is the Boost Your Libido Course?
If your libido really is sub-zero, I want to help you BOOST it–and get to the point where you actually WANT sex again!
In this 10-module video course, I walk you step-by-step through understanding what libido is, identifying your roadblocks to libido, and figuring out how to turn yourself ON again! The worksheets will help you understand yourself better, and experience real breakthroughs.
It’s super fun, and right from the beginning you’ll experience HOPE that you really can anticipate and yearn for sex in your marriage!
A reader recently left this comment:
Just this morning [my husband said to me], “It’s been more intense lately…” As I thought & prayed about his comment, the Lord revealed to me that the reason it has been more intense is because of my renewed enthusiasm for intimacy. I see now that my hesitance & negative attitude affects his level of enjoyment. It holds him back from truly engaging & relishing in the full pleasure of intimacy. A very profound revelation to me.
I know what she means, because I had a similar experience. Here’s what happened:
When I was first married, sex was awful. It hurt, it was awkward, and Keith wanted it all the time. And the more he wanted sex, the more I felt, “You just love me for what I can do for you. You don’t really love me.”
Of course, he didn’t see it that way. To him, the reason that he wanted sex was BECAUSE he loved me and wanted to share it with me.
I spent several years doing everything I could to turn him off. I complained of constant headaches. I exaggerated how stressed I felt. I tried to give him signals that “this isn’t going to happen tonight.”
One day, I realized I was being totally counterproductive. Keith really needed and wanted sex, and I was being silly! So I decided to stress sex more in my marriage.
Around the same time, I read a magazine article by a woman who decided that she was never, ever going to say no to her husband in their marriage. When he wanted sex, she would be there for him.
I was so impressed. And since I’m a Type A competitive personality, I took it as a challenge. If she could do it, I could do it! I decided that whenever Keith wanted sex, I would totally be there for him.
I was so enthusiastic I even started marking the days that we had sex on a calendar.
Then one day Keith came to me and said, “I just feel like we never make love.”
And I was devastated. Didn’t he understand what I was doing?
But that led to a really interesting discovery. Keith didn’t want to be placated. He wanted to be wanted.
Me saying, “you can if you want to tonight, baby!” wasn’t enough. (Okay, it never got quite that bad, but you know what I mean.)
Too often we make it sound like what men really need is sexual release.
Yes, most men have a more obvious and felt need for sex than we do. But I think we misunderstand what that need really is.
I have seen so many marriage books talk about how guys need sex, and women need to understand that this is a major part of marriage. It turns sex into an obligation! Pastors have preached on having sex for 7 days straight to see what happens, as if it’s quantity alone that matters. I’ve heard the 72-hour rule–you need to have sex every three days so he’ll resist temptation!
(By the way, I think that approach–that guys need sex or they’ll be tempted–usually backfires. Let’s stop with the boys will be boys message and hold all of us up to a higher standard).
What most men will tell you is that their real need is to feel as if they are pleasing their wife.
Here’s the thing: men can’t have sex unless they’re enthusiastic about it. That’s just the way their anatomy works.
(That’s not to say that sexual assault can’t happen against a man; it totally can since a lot of male response is automatic, and since power also plays a role. Just saying that there is a different dynamic).
Women, on the other hand, can totally have sex even if we don’t want to (or, at least, aren’t that interested).
What we can’t do very easily is enjoy sex unless we want to.
To have a fun time, we have to actually mentally and emotionally get into it. That means, at some level, we have to make a conscious decision that “this is what I want to do and this is something that I want to enjoy with my husband.”
Thus, if a woman is enjoying it, it’s a sign that she has mentally made a decision that she wants to be with her husband.
If she simply has sex, though, there’s no guarantee that she has decided anything.
She hasn’t necessarily opened up her heart.
She hasn’t necessarily decided, “I want to enjoy something with my husband.”
She hasn’t necessarily decided, “I want to be with him.”
She may simply have thought, “I owe him so I better give something to him.” And that’s not sexy to a guy.
Then there’s the fact that through making love, we can experience such passion and abandon together.
When you truly feel passion, you feel out of control. An orgasm is something which literally “carries you along”, almost on a wave. You let yourself go. You have to be able to surrender. For a woman to be that passionate, then, she’s saying, “I have chosen to let down all pretence and all the masks I wear, and I have chosen to let you see the real me, because I want us to feel super close.”
That’s so much more than just having sex.
Why does a man want a woman to be passionate, then?
It isn’t only that he wants great sex (which, of course, is wonderful). It’s also because he wants that closeness that comes from both of you deciding to be completely vulnerable and open with each other, completely focused on each other, and completely giving to one another. It’s true intimacy at every level, not just physical.
Let me ask an honest question: Does this pressure to have enthusiastic sex make you feel even worse?
Do you read that and think, “Great, so not only do I have to have sex fairly frequently, I have to be this orgasmic or passionate superwoman? How am I supposed to do that?”
I get it. I couldn’t figure it out for a long time, either.
But here’s what I asked myself:
If everyone else is having such a great time with sex, then why would I want to miss out on that? Why wouldn’t I try to figure out what all the fuss is about?
You see, my friends, I’m not trying to get you to feel guilty. I understand what it is to feel like sex really is an obligation, and that it’s a source of tension, and, in a way, that it’s a big rip off.
But I so want you to believe that it doesn’t have to stay that way!
If you’re struggling with understanding how you could ever be enthusiastic about sex, then I created the Boost Your Libido course just for you. Women are complex. All kinds of things go into making us ready to say yes to our husbands, which is why us saying yes enthusiastically means so much to them!
And yet many of us don’t understand what all of those factors are. So when we don’t feel enthusiastic about sex, we assume we never will.
What if you’re wrong? I was. I thought it was hopeless for a long time, until I figured out the role my brain played and taught myself how to think differently. Then I had to learn a whole lot of other lessons about hormones and health. And again, they made all the difference.
You can learn, too. If you struggle with this, please check it out. The whole reason I’ve been writing this blog for nine years now is because I don’t want people to have to go through what I did in the first few years of my marriage. I want marriages to thrive. And I totally believe that they can–and that you can have great sex, too!
See the Boost Your Libido course here.
Now, let me know in the comments: Have you ever seen sex as an obligation (or do you see it that way now?) How does that affect your enthusiasm for it?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Brilliant. This hits to the core of the issue in so many marriages. I so appreciate your desire to bring to light the devastating impact of duty sex. Men want to feel wanted and desired sexually, not allowed to get pity sex.
Thanks, Scott!
I second what Scott said as a man. I wish I could give a thousand amens to a post like this. The Unveiled Wife blog recently had two articles on interviews with my husband about sex. The idea was that the wives would be so surprised with what they read. When I shared it with my male friends they said “Not surprising at all. That’s what I would have said.” Women just thoroughly misunderstand us and I think it has a lot to do with the media.
Watch a sitcom and a movie and the whole goal for the guy is “Get sex.” Once he gets sex, he’s happy. That’s it. That’s not reality. If the sole goal was “Get sex” then all men would just rape. No. The physical release is good and it is wonderful and we do need it. It is true that good sex does help us with temptation, but that’s not the reason.
Without good sex for me, I don’t feel close to my wife at all. I feel like I’m a million miles away. It’s like she’s set a wall over her body and is saying “Sorry, but this body represents a limit to how much I trust you.” We can go out to eat and we can watch movies at home together and anything else, but if we don’t have sex, I feel like I’ve given myself greatly, but in the end, there is still that barrier. In fact, for me, sex is often the way I determine how our relationship is going. If sex is not a problem, then all is well between us. If sex is a problem, we have problems. As a minister once told me, sex is the thermometer that measures the temperature of the relationship.
And we want that enthusiasm because we want to know we are desired and pleasing! We want to know we still have it! We want to know that you just can’t control yourselves around us! We don’t want to be an item on a “to do” list. Would any lady like it if we said “Well yes, we’ll go out on our date night because that’s just what we have to do” and made it seem like like a chore? Not at all. Why do that with sex?
On the reverse side also, I am a 120 pound man who is naturally underweight. I have no six-pack build whatsoever. I cannot gain weight because I have a steel rod on my spine due to scoliosis surgery. Despite this, I am confident around my wife because I know she accepts me as I am. That’s why I don’t hesitate to share myself with her when I can because my wife is the one place where I am also free to be me and just loved just for who I am. Sex is the loudest way that that is shown.
If every woman could learn what is in this post, I think we would have a marriage revolution in the church.
Thank you, Nick. I’m glad I portrayed it well. It’s always hard to get inside a guy’s head! 🙂
Honestly Sheila, I couldn’t stop thinking about this piece. I really do think it’s the best I’ve seen you write. I wish it was understood by every wife out there.
btw, I’ve tried to contact you before, but I would be thrilled to have you on my podcast to talk about marriage sometime and your husband is welcome to join you. J. Parker has been on before.
I hope you are one of those men who actually communicate this whole “sex means intimacy, not just physical release” to your wife (and it sounds like you are). Because, seriously, I read so many comments from men in blogs such as this, saying, “I wish my wife knew this”, and I have to wonder, do you even tell her? I know my husband doesn’t. And won’t. Even tho when I’ve asked him point blank if sex is how he feels loved and expresses love, he kind of admits it to be true (with great discomfort…. I think maybe talking about emotions is just uncomfortable to him?!), he will not spontaneously tell me, and yet also struggles with the fact that I don’t understand him sexually. And I’m over here like, “Just tell me, already! I would love to hear that you want me because you want intimacy and love!” Sorry…. This is kind of rant-y. I guess my point is, good for you, if you communicate this stuff to your wife, but also, if you don’t, please have the decency to not blame her for not reading your heart! I think most women would melt to hear their husband express desire in such a loving way!
Oh I assuredly am one of those husbands that says it’s more than physical release. Physical release is good and wonderful. Not denying that. What I want most though is to know how much I mean to my wife and that she means just as much to me. On my Facebook, everyday except Sunday, when I don’t post, I post a picture to show love to my wife about marriage and I post something to praise and honor her before everyone. If anyone watches my Facebook page, one thing that they know is that I love my wife. They also know that if anyone dares to mistreat her on Facebook, those talons will come out and I will rip them to shreds for it. I have no mercy on people who go after my wife.
What I often tell her is that I love her so much I just want to be as close to her as I can and treasure her with everything that I have. Her love is the most empowering earthly force that there is for me and her beauty is more intense than any other beauty I have ever seen. I tell her we can be around each other 24/7, but if we’re not being intimate, then we might as well be a million miles away.
She had some rough experiences with men in the past. We’re working on it. I still strive to be the best that I can be.
I know this is years after the fact but I feel it is imperative I try to succeed in elucidating what the disconnect is. And it usually isn’t a case of the wife being cold or the man being incapable of speaking about his emotions.
What it comes down to is Trust and Communication, women process strong emotions by talking and socializing over an issue and feeling that her husband understands what she is feeling. Men absolutely do not function like this, when men have an issue we need to Act on strong emotions, emotions mean action and this can say the extremes be dangerous, that is why men shut down emotionally of their stress limit is being pushed too close to comfort, it’s a safety mechanism to protect our ego and prevent actions contradictory to what we believe. That is the communication problem and why a man’s actions speak louder than any number of thousand of words about what he feels. By the time there are sexual problems in a relationship he will likely have stopped listening to what she is saying and trying to think over what she wants and obviously a woman will sense this and feel that he isn’t “there” and she doesn’t trust him enough to have real intimate sex, for the man it means her rejection and lack of genuine shows of affection means he can’t trust her enough to talk about his genuine feelings as that would be another weapon used against him in a vulnerable moment. Men aren’t cold, quite the contrary a strong negative emotion is something we Must guard against from those we care most about as it is one of the few things that can actually hurt us like few other things in life ever can.
How to overcome this is still something I greatly struggle with, in my own relationship.
But your ‘wants’ sound so demanding. Men seem to want their wives to be enthusiastic for their own pleasure rather than their wife’s. Time and again when I read a comment like this, all I see is how her enthusiasm benefits him. There is nothing in your comment about your wife and her genuine pleasure.
Honest question, not a critisism: If we are trying to give our real selves and not a mask, how do I get passed feeling like I’m “play acting sexy” when I dress up in lingirie or do something new or adventurous in the bedroom? Regular me would live in baggy clothes and would be content with eating the same leftovers for a week so it kinda feels like I’m pretending to be “sexy” when I’m acting sexy.
How can I make this feel like real me so I can be the wife my husband needs while still feeling like myself?
That’s a great question! You know what? I think you feel awkward. I think you giggle. I think you feel like, “this is just weird.” Because every time we try something new it doesn’t quite “fit” yet. But the key is that you want to start seeing yourself as someone who is sexually confident and who can have fun. I think asking your husband to show you what he loves about your body can make you feel more confident, too. But I don’t think that you have to be perfectly confident. I think authenticity matters! And we can be authentic and nervous and trying all at the same time!
I wanted to do a strip tease for my husband, but I didn’t want to look silly and I was very uncomfortable at first. We all know what a great strip tease looks like and I knew I wouldn’t measure up to that. I decided to go for it anyway. I practiced when my husband wasn’t around, I picked music I was comfortable with, I also envisioned myself doing that for him. Once I was comfortable doing it without him, I was then much more prepared to do it in front of him. He loved it and it turned out to not be so terrifying. Maybe you could try walking around in your lingerie and becoming comfortable with it before you are in it with your husband. It will help you to feel sexy in it when you are more comfortable with it.
I have been married twice. Both times I have been enthusiastic and available, though quite naive with my first husband. When our day to day relationship had crumbled into verbal and emotional abuse, porn addiction and major communication problems, I truly thought offering sex would be a way to bridge and heal our gaps. There were many times that I offered myself when my emotions weren’t into it, but I was seeking connection. I was often rejected. Eventually, I shut down and stopped trying to initiate because it wasn’t worth rejection. If/when he reached for me, I vowed never to withhold and be berated for being unavailable. I regret these encounters which were void of true intimacy, but where I felt I was doing my duty. Thankfully, they are few.
Now remarried, I am keenly aware of the intimacy that exists both in our general relationship and in our sexual expression. Love making truly is an overflow and measure of our connection. When we are too busy or stressed for love making, we are too busy or stressed. When I resent one more “to do” in my daily tasks, I’ve learned to ask for help. I can even say, “not just now,” without fear of reprisal, so there is no such thing as duty sex for me!
In return, my desire for my husband is strong and fervent. Being wanted by him is itself a big turn-on. I feel grateful to be the one who fulfills his wants and hopes. I’ve been on both sides of the emotions and can vouch that libido CAN be learned!
Oh, Missy June, I’m so glad that you’ve got such a great second marriage! Isn’t it wonderful how God can redeem things? And what you found in your first marriage is so common–we think that sex can bridge these big gaps, but it can’t help when there’s a porn addiction going on. Thanks for sharing your story!
After childhood abuse and then rape later on, for years I used sex to get validation and attention from men. I let them use my body because thats what I thought I had to do in order to be “loved”. Its all I knew because its what I learned. After realizing what had happened to me, I was unable to have sex with my husband. I was diagnosed with PTSD, depression and anxiety disorder. We havent had sex for years. I’m in therapy now and have just realized that in all this time, I thought that fixing my sex life would solve all my problems. I used to listen to podcasts and read marriage blogs and begged God in tears to help me want my husband in a sexual way. To mend my broken sexuality. But my therapist showed me that I am still trying to do what I have always done. Viewing sex as a means to be loved. I have beaten myself up about my inability to have sex for years. And it has actually made my mental issues worse. Sexuality is the expression of love between a husband and a wife, not the means to actually be loved by your spouse. I finally understood that. But I also realized that if I dont know how to love in a healthy way, I will never have a healthy sexuality. Childhood abuse causes attachement trauma and that has an immense influence on the way we relate to our spouses later on in life. I am sorry that my husband has to suffer because of my mental illness, it breaks my heart. But I keep trying to tell myself that I cant help what happened to me, I can only try my best to heal. I am writing all of this because I know that there are people out there who are like me. Who come to these blogs searching for answers but feel so worthless and condemned when they realize that they are not as “good” as other wives (at least thats what one thinks). Its a lonely place to be because one feels like everyone else has it all together and that its all just hopeless. Sadly there are not many blogs about recovering from abuse, at least not any where sex is just impossible to have….thank you Sheila for doing what you do and helping so many women with your work. I hope and pray that one day I will be able to have such a fulfilling and healthy sex life as you do 🙂 God bless
I’m so glad you wrote! That’s such a hard thing to go through, and you’re right–we need to get our hearts healed first. A blogging friend of mine, Natalie Greenfield, has written a great series on intimacy after abuse, and all the troubles that come with it. You may want to read it, she’s very authentic.
Thank you❤
Yes, yes, yes. Vulnerability and passion. Enthusiasm.
I love the idea that 2 adults commit to loving one another for the rest of their lives and have times together every week where they express that exclusively and intimately.
My wife and I spent years wondering what sex is all about once we’d finished producing children. Now, sadly, she thinks it’s weird. I feel I’ve got some idea about its purpose from reading books and blogs like yours and hope I can persuade her.
Could I just say without giving TMI that as a 50 something man I don’t always orgasm but the thing that is guaranteed to ‘push me over the edge’ is enthusiasm on my wife’s part.
Thank you Sheila. Keep spreading the word.
That all sounds great, but after nearly 20 years of trying to remain enthusiastic having sex with a husband whom I find unattractive in weight, and beer belly, and whose penis is significantly below average in size, I can’t say the problem is my libido or enthusiasm about sex. I have prayed to no avail, even willing to die to the desire to even want to have an orgasm. I did Kegel exercises in the early part of our marriage to be able to tighten my vagina. I was able to feel him better after a few months, but his size just does nothing to actually physically stimulate me. He is otherwise an attractive man, wonderful human being, and I find those things sexy and appealing, but at some point I have to wonder if sex is ever going to be anything more than a sense that I essentially have to rub hard against him to masturbate in order to achieve half an orgasm.
You know, Jenny, I think what you’re saying is really legitimate, and I’ve never written about that before. Give me a bit to think about it and I’ll try to do a post on what to do when your husband can’t physically satisfy you. Thank you for being honest; I think that many women are going through this and they feel so guilty about it, but at the same time, they’re super frustrated. Thank you.
Sheila: yes, please write about this. My case has some similarities. I have difficulty being attracted to my overweight husband, and I’m not satisfied from intercourse, but also he has not put much effort into giving me reciprocal pleasure, such as manually. He might try for a few minutes and then stops and says his hand is tired, when I need several times that long. And if I’m not attracted and turned on, it will take even longer, if it happens at all. I get the sense that he doesn’t really know what to do with me even though I’ve tried to tell him, show him, buy him books (which he doesn’t read), etc. Or he’s just doing what I ask because I asked for it and not because he actually enjoys touching me that way. It makes a big difference.
In answer to Jenny, can he give you manual or oral stimulation or rub himself on you instead of the reverse? I’ve heard it said that it’s not so much what you’ve got, but what you do with what you’ve got. I’m sure there’s some way he could in theory satisfy you, but it’s also legitimate that his weight is a turn-off to you. He wasn’t overweight like that when you were initially attracted to him, was he?
Hi Reiko,
He had a pudgy belly when we met. He was working nights and ate at weird times, and his photos showed he was usually a slender man. He planned on changing jobs to get days only and returning to his previous exercise routines, so I didn’t think anything of it. Unfortunately, once we married he packed on over 10 inches on his waistline, and never committed to regular exercise. After years letting himself go he is finding it difficult to lose weight, and his efforts become more and more inconsistent with his frustration at not being able to shift the weight, which just packs the weight back on. I empathize, but it’s hardly a means to feeling sexually turned on when I find fat very unattractive. As for his penis size, and trying different positions and him pleasuring me, that’s not an issue. He is willing and does do these things. But it is not necessarily something he personally enjoys. He is just performs oral sex or rubs on me with fingers and body because he now realizes I get no sexual satisfaction otherwise. I went years without telling him. He just thought because I actively participated in sex and he had a fantastic time that I must have been having a good time too. But while he is gung ho for oral and manual sex it does absolutely nothing to solve the fact that his penis size does nothing for me, nor can I orgasm every time, as the rubbing really begins to feel like friction, although I am well lubricated naturally, and have even tried jellies . I just would like to enjoy sex normally, and not feel like the only way I am going to get an orgasm is in a way that just mimics masturbation. And frankly, masturbating would be far more enjoyable. The longer I go on with this the less enthused I have become about having sex, which just feels like a mechanical engagement, and is really just about sexually satisfying my husband. And while I want to be attentive to God’s expectations of satisfying my spouse and keeping intimacy in our marriage, I wonder how possible it is to maintain sexual intimacy when there is barely any sexual satisfaction
Reiko,
Your comment sounds exactly like my situation, my thoughts, and what my husband does.
I give, and give, and love to do so, even though I’m not physically, sexually, attracted to my husband, who is obese.
But there is just no getting him to understand that I need more.
He doesn’t listen to me when I communicate my wants and needs. In fact, he often takes it as me criticizing him, and gets offended and feels frustrated and rejected when I can’t orgasm the way he wants me to.
He’s also very vocal in his displeasure of how long it takes me. He’ll sigh loudly, visibly look frustrated, shake and wring his hands, grimace, screw his eyes shut, and say he needs to take a break..
This is without any foreplay, mind you. He waits, lying there getting his, so to speak, without even touching me.
He doesn’t initiate unless he wants release. There is no pleasing me just because.
In fact, I’m reading this blog post in gender opposite roles, because it’s the other way around in my marriage.
My Husband doesn’t have any enthusiasm about giving me pleasure. He feels like it’s a chore, or a duty. He feels obligated.
I wish there could be a post written for wives who feel like they are simply a chore and pleasure is a duty that their husbands dread performing because they know she is going to take forever, still likely not be responsive, and most likely won’t have an orgasm and end up crying just telling him to stop.
Where’s that article?
The one I could show my husband or get him to want to desire me, to want to pleasure me, to want to crave me like some of these men seem to want their wives to do?
Thanks Sheila. I have seen your blog about bellies. I would appreciate some Godly input on how to remain sexually faithful to a marriage when you pretty much have no hope of sexual satisfaction. I have really worked on my attitude towards my husband’s weight, and have tried to focus on his positives, which has actually encouraged him to keep trying to lose weight. He hasn’t lost the belly, but he has lost some weight, and I appreciate his efforts. But his penis size will never change, and nothing we do in positions or compensating with oral sex or manual stimulation changes the reality that he can never sexually satisfy me. Orgasms from oral/manual sex are hit and miss and never intense enough to allow me to feel physically satisfied. It’s pretty much not worth the huff and puff to me, which puts me in a position of just having sex to satisfy his needs. It’s becoming increasingly mechanical because I have no expectations of satisfaction for myself, so I am literally becoming even more physically disengaged to how my body is responding. It takes longer to get turned on, and when I do, his small penis just slips in without me even noticing he’s inside of me. I still keep praying and asking God to help, but nothing changes, other than me becoming more hopeless and disengaged. I try to think of it as a way to focus on loving my husband beyond myself, but I am still a human with sexual needs. I just can’t fake it to make it anymore. He’s still enjoying sex, because I take care of him, but listening to and watching his enjoyment while I don’t even feel him inside me just makes me feel like a robot. I really don’t know how to approach this.
As a young virgin I have so little advice, and so much empathy! I’m not sure if it is condoned here, but have you considered a penis extender/enlarger at all? They are not very expensive, can be bought discreetly online to give as a gift, and could be all the difference between being sexually unsatisfied and struggling, to both being able to really enjoy the other. Not sure if this would be the help you need, but you have been on my mind for weeks since I read your comment. Bless you both, praying things get better!
My husband told me it’s all about sexual release for him. And intimacy doesn’t really play into it. He said maybe 75% of the time it’s about feeling good and 25% of the time about being with me.
Ouch. Oh, Erin, that’s too bad! if you don’t mind me asking, is there a porn background at all in his life? That can really impair his ability to understand sex as something intimate. Also, if you very rarely have sex, then he can start to get desperate. But that is a very harsh statement to make. Can you talk with him about this post–how sex is supposed to be intimate, too?
I don’t think there has ever been a problem with porn. And we average 1-3 times a week. I will look over that post. Thank you for the link.
I’m glad porn isn’t a factor! I think, though, that when we grow up in such a “pornified” culture, often we lose sight of what sex is supposed to be. My book 31 Days to Great Sex takes you through challenges that help you improve sex in all three areas: physically, spiritually, and emotionally. The ebook version is super cheap–just $4.99. I wonder if he would work through that with you? It might be a way to bring this up without it seeming like a fight–“well, the book says we’re supposed to talk about this” as opposed to “I’m worried about you in this area.” Just a thought!
Yeah, sex right now feels like the giving tree. Except I can’t figure out how to love as much as that tree does.
I am coming to realize that tiredness plays such a key role in my total lack of desire a lot of times. I cannot fake it. I am trying to get my husband to see that we really just have to work out a different schedule. Waiting at night while he gets tired of social media is tiring, and after a long day, I have no energy.
Honestly, though, for me, an overweight, plain jane gal, (I am working on the weight) its hard to view myself as a sexual being. When I can, it’s like I am someone else. It weird.
So my husband has communicated this to me many times, but I’ve always felt a little bitter about it. Sometimes it’s so hard to say yes, but then to feel like not only do I have to say yes, but I need to wear sexy lingerie, initiate games, etc, sometimes feels overwhelming. The way you explained it does help though! Part of the problem is that he has severe anxiety and depression so when he needs me to want him the most (at the depths of his despair), is when it’s so hard because he’s just been lying in bed surfing the internet all day. “Faking it till I feel it” has helped some, but I admit that I often run low on grace. Considering your course. I need all the help I can get.
This need that we men have of feeling wanted crosses borders.
My marriage is the exact opposite. I want to have sex with my husband but I am made to feel guilty for asking for it. It’s to the point where I just stopped asking, and now we haven’t had sex for over a year. In fact, we’ve been sleeping in separate beds for the last 8 months. The sad part is that we’ve only been married for 14 months.
Oh, Alyssa, I’m so sorry! And so early in your marriage, too. Have you read this post about what to do if your husband doesn’t want to make love? I think you really need to confront this now, early, before it becomes something that’s entrenched for decades. Again, I’m so sorry.
Honestly, in the first 2 years of marriage, a husband who refuses sex likely had a medical issue. Erectile dysfunction possibly, but more likely severely low testosterone which lowers sex drive. Even if he is potentially replacing with porn for release, he could still have very sex low drive and him being asked for sex when its the last thing he wants just makes it worse (society has conditioned men to believe we should always want sex).
You might want to read up on effects of low T, and if it fits him, then gently consider him seeing a doctor for blood work.