What do you do when eldercare begins to take a toll on your marriage?
Caring for aging parents or in-laws can put strain on the relationship of the child taking care of his or her parent. It’s often a hard road for many couples, so I hope this post today can bring you some encouragement. We’ve been talking this week about getting a little older–and as we age, our parents’ health starts to play a bigger role in our own lives.
An anonymous guest poster today has some wise words for those of us struggling in this area. I encourage you to really tackle this area of your life–find ways to find peace, or new ways to live to make a more feasible long-term plan.
I hope you’re encouraged.
Not long into my marriage, my mother-in-law’s health began to decline – to the point that she could no longer drive, yet could still live in her own home.
That set my husband and me on a journey that has lasted nine years to date.
Nine years of me being the primary resource for my mother-in-law’s errands, grocery shopping, doctor appointments, hospital stays, prescription pick ups, banking and gift shopping. Nine years of my husband caring not only for our own home repairs, mowing and snow removal, but also that of his mom’s house.
She isn’t flush with cash and neither are we, so rarely has it been an option to hire many of these tasks out. Not to mention, as children of an aging and increasingly declining parent, we feel an overwhelming sense of integrity and responsibility to be her advocates and support.
We love her, she needs us, and we know it. She has no one else, as she is widowed and my husband is an only child. We are it, so to speak.
And we have been doing all of this while raising two kids. Our children were 3 and 9 when we began caring for my mother-in-law. If you looked up sandwich generation in the dictionary, you would see a picture of us.
Along the way, my husband and I have aged as well, facing our own emotional and physical difficulties. Sometimes – especially early in this eldercare journey – we have mustered the resolve and grit to face the heaviness of it all together.
But the toll of the journey slammed against the toll of our individual angst has begun to add up. Our marriage has stood the test, but not without damage to our oneness.
This last year has been the worst year of our marriage. The. Worst. Certainly that wasn’t all because of eldercare. But eldercare thrown heavily into the mix of normal everyday stressors puts a couple on a fast track to depletion, and we increasingly have been depleting in isolation, not in each other’s arms.
And that has been painful. For him. For me. For our relationship.
So, now you know the raw and vulnerable back story. It also is good, though, for me to share what has kept me from reaching my breaking point and has kept our marriage from imploding.
Some of you may be navigating eldercare (or you will at some point), and it can be reassuring to know you aren’t alone.
Here are the five things that have helped me tremendously:
1. Embracing an eternal perspective.
This sounds cliché. I know. But there is a boatload of truth in the reality that we all are simply passing through. This life is but a glimpse, and each of us will face struggles and challenges.
Yes, my eldercare journey has been hard, but I began to look around. I saw that everyone I knew had faced or were facing difficulties, whether it be a loved one’s addiction, devastating career challenges, illnesses or debilitating disabilities, tragic deaths of people they love, crumbling marriages or unfulfilled dreams.
God also has been faithful to soften my heart to help me see that my mother-in-law too has faced her fair share of devastation in her life.
I struggle at times keeping my eyes on the eternal perspective, but when I do, I see better. I cope better.
2. Getting good counselling.
I started seeing a counsellor once a month three years ago, because I realized I hungered for the insight of someone who is removed from the situation.
Certainly she has helped me in many areas of my life, but as far as eldercare, she has equipped me to grasp that it is possible to acknowledge my frustration, yet at the same time journey it with humble maturity. She has helped me not get steeped in resentment, and simultaneously encouraged me toward practical problem solving.
She has listened unconditionally when I most needed it.
If you can’t afford a counsellor, consider asking your church or other local ministries if they offer free counselling. And definitely find one or two safe friends in whom you can confide without fear of judgment. Women should have women confidantes, and men should have men confidantes.
3. Relying more intimately on God.
A mentor encouraged me to let the challenging journey of caring for my mother-in-law compel me to rely more on God. Her words came at a good time, because I had been looking for my husband to be something to me that truly only God can be.
I’m not saying I stopped leaning on my husband, because that wouldn’t be healthy either. But I have become discerning about my need to press into God, His Word and His steadfast encouragement. I needed to let go of my expectation that my husband fill a need in me that only God can fill.
4. Having something to look forward to daily.
In the messiness of life, this one little technique has sustained me often. Each day I make sure I have at least one thing to look forward to.
Sometimes it is as simple as carving out an hour to curl up with a book. Other times it may be coffee with a friend or a trip to the zoo with my younger son. And still other times it might be a date with my husband when we can bolster our fragile connection.
I also began to embrace the “don’t wait to live” mantra. If someone has an extra ticket to a baseball game or hockey game and invites me to go, I say “yes.” I also challenged myself to take up watercolour painting. I didn’t know what I was doing, but I went to the art supply store, picked out some paper, brushes and paints and gave it a try. I find it incredibly relaxing.
I cannot change the responsibilities of caring for my mother-in-law, but I can become more intentional in taking care of myself in the midst of it all.
5. Slowing down.
I admit. This is a tough one for me, because like a lot of you, on any given day I have a bazillion things to do.
Not surprisingly, there is no rushing with a sick and weak elderly person. While driving to appointments, sitting in waiting rooms or stopping by her house to drop things off, I have tried to take more time to ask her questions and learn more about her past – the years before she was married and had a son.
I try to be more patient, because I know – truly know – that this journey of relying on me is not easy for her either.
You may or may not face eldercare responsibilities in your life, but I assure you that God is faithful to give you ways to cope and navigate. By His very nature, He wants to be next to us and reveal to us glimpses of goodness.
I still stumble in the journey, even after nine years. But I have learned to cope and some days even thrive. I trust that my heart and my marriage are better for it, even if I can’t always see it in the moment.
What are some ways you’ve “dealt” with eldercare? Do you have any creative problem-solving ideas that have worked for your family?
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I LIVED with my Mother-in-Law until her mental state was so bad that it was a danger to our household if she were left unattended for hours. She’d leave the water running in the sink because she hadn’t turned it off all the way. She’d forget to turn the burners off on the stove and we have a gas stove. A few times, she even wandered off..got lost and had no clue how to get home.
Up until she went to an assisted living facility, every DAY was a struggle. She’d accused me of many silly things. Hiding the gas bill, when she’d forgotten to pay it. Stealing her blank checks when they’d been delivered by the Mailman…taking her underwear and hiding them,,,to name a few things. At first, my husband would side with his mother but the day she accused me of stealing her checks right off our back porch was the final straw. My husband finally saw how confused and irrational his mother was being. For awhile, we had a home health aide come sit with her while we went to watch our son play baseball.
One night the aide came and I also happened to be home. The aide would make her supper, then help to get her ready for bed. At around 9pm, I heard a loud THUD! I ran downstairs and found my mother-in-law on the FLOOR of our living room! The aide had been sitting in a chair in the front of our house, when she was supposed to be sitting near her so she could hear my MIL if she’d tried to get up. MIL thought she’d forgotten to shut the blinds in the living room. I got to my MIL before the aide did. We helped her off the floor and I then took MIL into the bathroom to clean off the wound she now had on her forearm. I was also upset to see that the aide hadn’t washed and put away the dishes from their supper. Light Housekeeping was part of the duties of the home health aide and she’d been slacking. I wrote the head of the company and said we didn’t want this particular aide back at our house since IMHO, she wasn’t doing her job. AFTER that email, the boss sent back some nasty emails saying that this or that wasn’t safe for MIL. We told that company they were fired and we’d never use them again…shortly after, we put MIL into the assisted living facility where she’s been since August 2014!!
BEST DECISION EVER!! MIL is still kicking….she’ll be 94 in July. I don’t see her lasting until then as her overall health has declined considerably. They get her out of bed for meals and that’s about it. Other than that, she’s lying in bed.
Living with your Mother in Law is stressful and had I known that would be my lot in my marriage, I would’ve never married my husband. It was supposed to be a 2 year arrangement until we had enough money saved for a Down Payment. SMH.
Wow, Kelly, I don’t know how you went through that! What I say to my kids all the time is that I never, ever want to be a burden on you, and it’s okay to put me in a retirement home or nursing home. I know so many older people who never wanted to leave their homes, only to eventually have to go to a nursing home–and loved it! There were people to talk to, and Bingo games, and crafts classes, and suddenly they weren’t lonely or bored. My grandfather was like that, too. I think he would have been much happier had he moved to a home a few years earlier.
We have my mom with us, but she’s totally well still and she’s such a big help–she cleans my floors (I hate doing floors!). But when the time comes, if the time comes, she’ll go somewhere where she can get some help.
MIL has taken. Turn for the worse… I don’t think she’ll last much longer. Only weighs 79 pounds.
MIL was never a social butterfly…there’s an active Seniors group in our town & she was never interested.
I feel bad for my Husband & his siblings….it’s hard to see their Mom as she is now, I only hope God takes her peacefully!
Oh, that’s sad, Kelly! I pray she’ll go fast and easily, too. Really, that’s a blessing in the end.
Dealing with my mother has definitely been a strain on my marriage. She has dementia so doesn’t realize how incapable she has become. She can’t do much for herself yet refuses to move. At this point in time she has the legal right to make her own decisions. I feel like an indentured servant, I must continue caring for her. Sometimes she is mean to me. I know it’s the dementia but it is still very hard.
I’m so sorry, SJ. I hope that you can get her to move soon. How difficult!
I have to add one more thing to your list. You have to set priorities. Yes, it is important to care for aging parents. However, not everything must be done at once, some things are not necessary at all. Setting priorities also helps you keep your spouse at the top of the list, while together you both can work out a plan to meet a parents needs. My wife is a lot more flexible if she knows she holds the highest priority.
This was refreshing to read – to realize you are not the only one. My in-laws moved into assisted living about 7 years ago which we thought would make things easier – and it did to some degree. My husband and I both work and often times the best time to visit them was during their dinner time. And they would get ready for bed at 7 or so. We would run errands for them, did their laundry (because she wasn’t happy with the facility’s way of doing laundry). My father-in-law passed away a year and a half ago and she is very lonely. Needless to say she is very lonely, plus she has dealt with depression issues for many years. We try to do our best. Add into the mix that our daughter moved back into the area 2 1/2 years ago and we have 3 grandchildren ages 6 and under. She depends on us a good bit too (which we are happy to do). So we are a sandwich generation as well – with a parent and children and grandchildren. And frankly we are exhausted with both working full time and involved in our church. It is becoming more and more common unfortunately.
Hi Sheila
I have read your blog for a few years now, first time for commenting!!
Wow does this resonate with me!
A bit over two years ago my husband and I together with my widowed lonely mid 70s mother in law purchased a house together. My husband is the youngest in a large family and we had no children which to uproot to the area that she wanted to continue to live in.
It was fine for the first year, it wasn’t too bad having to drive her around as she doesn’t drive. Then after 6 years of trying I finally got pregnant. A month out from my due date my MIL was diagnosed with lymphoma. Chemo to start the week I was due. Then on the day I went into labour she had a panic attack went into hospital for a couple of days.
Then chemo struck her hard and she only ended up having two of the 6 rounds (she has recently had a scan and she is in the clear). Because I was trying to get used to having a baby and what to do with her my sisters in law came past every day to help my MIL out.
She then got depression and wouldn’t leave her bed and insomnia. I would try to talk with her and show her the baby but then I was just getting too drained by it all.
Then when my baby was about 6 months I realised that I was not myself. I hated having someone around all the time (I finally get to be a stay at home mum!!!). I am a homebody and was finding it awful living in my house. I also noticed that my husband and I would not talk properly at dinner anymore due to my MIL’s presence. I started to feel like our marriage was suffering too.
Anyway she has now come out of the depression, and is looking at moving into a retirement village. Since buying the house together the market has risen crazily and we are going to have to take a loan from my parents to get back into the housing market.
We were so sure that God had called us to take care of my MIL, but I just can’t do it. Some family members have been rather nasty to us because of this.
I am hoping that things fall into place over the next couple of months.
That’s great that she’s looking at the retirement village, though. She may really enjoy that! It will be a big hassle to move, but you’ll have your family back. And you were in just such an exhausting and draining situation. I don’t think you have any reason to feel guilty. You really did try, but you had a baby, too (and what a blessing!). I know it will be hard with other family members, but you can still love your MIL and visit her and care for her, while you also get your family back. In the end, you can look back and know that you did your best, and that’s good enough.
Here’s my two cents on this. My wife and I are Brazilians, and in our culture we normally take our elderly parents to live with us (in our homes), sometimes even well before they are elderly and can’t cope. Sometimes siblings even fight to see who will do that, which is culturally expected. Nursing homes are expensive, usually very bad, and in many smaller cities you just do not find them. My father died with Alzheimers and in the last three or four years they lived with us. Then my mother had leukemia and she stayed with us in the last months till she was finally admitted in hospital for the last days – on her request. It is interesting to note that people from the US, Canada and Northern Europe value privacy so much. Not a negative criticism, just noticing a fact. There are problems, of course, but then you only have one house to clean, many expenses go down, such as the electricity (well, the light bulb that illuminates one illuminates five!) In spite of the problems – and I will not say there were none – it was a very very good experience. My three children grew up with their grandparents, and could see for themselves what life is really about – getting old, debilitating illnesses, Christian serving and the opportunity of talking with my mother – who was a devout Christian. And, of course, death and burials. It seems to me that nowadays people tend to keep the hard facts of life away from children.
That’s very interesting. I know we really enjoy having my mom with me, and in some ways I think that if she actually got sick (which she isn’t) it would be easier if she were living here than if I had to always drive to her house. I do think that some retirement homes/nursing homes can actually be quite fun if you’re still mentally with it, though!
Thank you for writing and hosting this! It is really good to read. The last decade of our lives has been dominated by caring for a succession of elderly relatives, and dealing the with linked succession of deaths. Currently my father and my wife’s mother. It has certainly affected my and my wife’s careers and our son’s health — but it’s hard to even think that as it already sounds resentful.
Caregiving can strengthen family ties, but it can also take a toll on your marriage. According to a survey done by Caring.com, 80% claimed that taking care of a family member strained their relationship. There are different reasons behind this like having an imbalance in the relationship, they find themselves drifting apart, and some cite lack of privacy and time to connect with each other lessens their feelings of attachment with one another.
I’ve discussed this issue on my blog just recently, and I also shared key factors that might cause the strain in the marriage. You can read it here:
http://www.altcp.org/senior-care-marriage-caring-parent/. Identifying the key factors that cause strain like the financial burden, frustration, and fatigue, and lack of intimacy can help avoid marriage strain.
After identifying these issues, you should address these together, as a couple. You should prioritize your spouse, accept help, validate and address mental and emotional stress, look for support online and by preparing for your future by considering getting insurance plans.
I’m glad I came across this. My sister & I are going thru this now. Our mother can no longer care for herself, and my sister has left her own home to care for our mother for the past 3 years. It has taken such a toll on her. She longs to go back to her own house and back to her own life. To make matters worse our mom was caregiver to our older brother who is “Special Needs” and he doesn’t get along well with our sister.
My wife doesn’t want my brother to come live with us when that time comes, so we need to plan on what to do.