Is sex too expensive in your marriage?
Don’t worry–I’m not talking about prostitution! I’m actually talking about economics. Today, just for fun, I thought we’d take a look at sex in marriage from an economist’s point of view.
This week we’re looking at how to boost your libido, celebrating the release of my Boost Your Libido video course!Each module has its own video, lesson, and assignments, and it’s super fun! You can work through it at your own pace, and it’s designed to build on each other so you see immediate results.
I’ve taken Economics 101 five times in my life. Once in grade 12. Once in my undergrad. And then I had to take it again for my Master’s (they wouldn’t exempt me). Each time I learned exactly the same thing. Then, when my daughters were taking university courses online when I was homeschooling them, I went through the material first with Rebecca and then with Katie. I have Economics 101 down pat. Unfortunately that’s all I know.
But that obviously makes me eminently qualified to look at sex from an Economics 101 point of view! So let’s jump in.
Basic economics tells us that the “price” of something is where the demand for it intersects with the supply of it. The demand for something tends to increase when the price drops, while the supply tends to decrease when the price drops.
But what determines how much of a product will actually be supplied at each point? The cost of the inputs. So if you were making ice cream, for instance, and the price of milk dropped, then the supply line would shift, and the price of ice cream would decrease.
In the original gorgeous graph above that I made using Powerpoint, you can see that the demand and supply meet at 11 times per month. But what happens when an input cost drops? Suddenly more will be supplied at each price point, and bingo! You now have sex 13 times a month.
Okay, that may sound complicated. But I hope you get the picture: when inputs are more expensive, you’re going to get less of something, because people won’t buy as much at the higher price. That’s why if the government wants you to buy less of something they tax it (like gas or alcohol), but if they want you to buy more of something they give you a tax deduction (like charity).
'An economic demand and supply curve when it comes to sex and marriage: ECON 101 at work!'Click To TweetWhat does this mean for sex?
It means that if the cost of sex gets too high, then you’ll have less sex.
'Remember, in your marriage, if the 'cost' of sex gets too high, you'll have less of it.'Click To TweetSo if you want to have great sex in marriage, we’ve got to keep the cost of inputs down!
Today, for Top 10 Tuesday then, I thought we’d look at the “cost” of 10 inputs into a great sex life in marriage, and see what we can do to reduce those costs!
I’m not talking about foundational things, like feeling good about sex and having a positive view of sex, or having sex that doesn’t hurt. These are necessary, too. Call them the factory–the thing that is necessary to even produce the product.
But then you have the inputs that go into it. You could feel great about sex and have a positive view of sex and still never want to have sex, because the cost of the inputs is just too high.
As you’re reading through this, pick just ONE or TWO things to work on. Don’t try to tackle all 10. Just pick the one that you think is most influencing the cost of sex in your marriage, and then decrease that! Here we go:
An Economic Look at the Inputs to Sex in Marriage
1. Having a place to make love
It’s hard to have sex if there’s not an obvious place where it will easily happen! That’s why it’s so important to keep the bedroom just to yourself, and to keep it feeling inviting and clutter free. If your children sleep in your bed, and you have to find another place to have sex, for instance, then the cost is much higher. If sex didn’t require the work of moving or going somewhere that isn’t as warm, then you’d likely have sex more often!
How to Lower the Cost: Clean your room. Move kids to their own beds. Buy some delicious bedding! Get a space heater or a fan if necessary.
2. Having time to make love
If one, or both of you, works shift work, then there isn’t an obvious “time” to make love like there is usually. Or if your schedules with kids, school, or work don’t line up, then it may be difficult to find a kid-free time when you’re both awake and energetic.
How to Lower the Cost: If evenings don’t work, can you start a morning routine? If it’s not work or school schedules, but simply lifestyle preferences, can you make a decision to go to bed at the same time anyway? If it is work or school, make a long-term goal to adjust your work or school schedules so that you have time alone together.
3. Having physical energy
It’s not just time together that matters; it’s time together when you’re not fighting desperately to stop from drifting off. When you’re exhausted, it’s harder to want to make love!
How to Lower the Cost: Try, as much as possible, to get at least seven hours of uninterrupted sleep a night. Help older babies, toddlers, and small children learn to sleep in their own beds. Look at the work that you do for the family and see if you can delegate it differently or cut some things out so that you don’t feel as bone tired.
4. Feeling physically well
Then there’s simply feeling well! If you’re afraid you’re going to puke, sex isn’t high on the list of things you’d like to do. That’s why pregnancy can make sex so tricky! But so can other ailments, like migraines, chronic pain, and more.
How to Lower the Cost: Decide that you will make a priority to take care of your health. Start an exercise routine, even if it’s just 15 minutes a day. Consult a nutritionist or do some research on how to eat better. If you have a specific health concern, speak to your doctor about how to manage it. Your body really matters; let’s treat it well!
5. Feeling emotionally replenished
For many of us, our need to have time to ourselves to rejuvenate, to think, to pray, or just to be relax is greater than our need for sex. That means that if you’re together at night, but you’ve had no time to rejuvenate during the day, you’re far less likely to want to have sex and far more likely to want to run a bubble bath, journal, or even take a jog.
How to Lower the Cost: Talk about your schedule and see if he can take some responsibilities off of your plate earlier in the evening so you can have some time to yourself. Make a practice of grabbing time during the day without feeling guilty. If you work, take your hour long lunch break to center yourself. If you’re at home with kids, take the nap time to relax rather than to get caught up on housework.
6. Feeling mentally calm
How can you have sex when your mind is going a mile a minute? When it comes to sex, multi-tasking is a woman’s greatest enemy. And when we can’t turn off our brains, it’s hard to turn on our bodies.
How to Lower the Cost: Pick a time earlier in the day when you go over your to do list for the next day. Go for a walk after dinner and talk to your husband about the things that are on your mind. Help clear your head before evening comes.
7. Feeling good about your body
If you hate your body, it’s hard to think about your body. And if you can’t think about your body, it’s hard to focus on it enough to get aroused! So how we feel about our bodies affects our tendency to want to have sex.
How to Lower the Cost: Dress your body well and take care of your appearance during the day. Fight the frump! Do lots of stretching and enjoying your body. Ask your husband what his favourite parts of your body are–and believe him.
8. Feeling emotionally close to your husband
Who wants to have sex if they don’t feel close? You need to feel like you’re connected emotionally before you want to be connected physically. Like I said in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, Men make love to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved to make love.
How to Lower the Cost: Spend time everyday sharing about your high and low of the day. Use some of my conversation starters to start talking again. Find a hobby to do together. Or enroll in my FREE 5-lesson emotional reconnection course.
9. Trusting your husband
For a woman to enjoy sex, she has to be able to be totally vulnerable. She can’t be vulnerable, though, if she doesn’t trust him, either because he’s used (or is using) porn, or he’s texting other women, or he’s being emotionally or physically abusive, or he’s had an affair.
How to Lower the Cost: The only way to deal with these big things are to confront them. With most of these things, you will need outside help. They will not get better without you drawing healthy boundaries and you both learning together how to rebuild trust and treat each other well. My book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage talks about this.
10. Enjoying your husband’s scent
Here’s the last one, which those of us with husbands with good hygiene often take for granted: we need a guy who doesn’t stink. And I get email upon email every week from women whose husbands don’t shower enough or don’t brush their teeth. How, then, are they supposed to want to make love?
How to Lower the Cost: Many of these women are looking for “nice” ways to tell their husbands their hygiene is bad. I’m not sure there is a nice way. I think sometimes you just have to say it: “I’d love to make love, but soap and toothpaste are the best aphrodisiacs, and they come before foreplay.” You can even make it a routine that every night you shower together or you brush your teeth at the same time. But beating around the bush and hoping that it changes won’t do any good!
So there you go–10 inputs into sex that we all need.
Which one is the most “expensive” for you? Which one do you have to lower? Or did I miss one? Let me know in the comments!
And remember–my Boost Your Libido course addresses so many of these inputs, and helps you “lower the cost” so that sex becomes easier! Check it out now--because you CAN affect your libido, and make your marriage so much more fun!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Great thoughts! I know that I definitely struggle with body image (for the first time in my life) since having my 3rd child last spring my body has not bounced back like it did with the other two. 🙁 And of course, exhaustion. But we try to be together a few times a week.
Maybe I’m an odd-ball of a woman, but I disagree with number 8. I used to think that way for a long time, but I’ve found that when I’m feeling distant from my husband (or I’ve been mad at him about something) that connecting physically helps reset my emotional connection.
Actually, that’s a great point! It’s like the chicken and the egg thing. Which comes first? But maybe it depends on why there’s an emotional break. I think sex can help us feel closer, but it can’t cover over a lack of connection or communication in general.
If you absolutely insist on cosleeping, set up a bed in the child’s room and still keep the master bedroom for the marriage bed.
I coslept for the sake of getting enough sleep during the rough nursing years (I had to nurse round the clock every 2 hours most of the time because of insufficient milk supply and preterm babies). I slept in another part of the house with the baby until morning. Usually by morning, babies were in a deep sleep, so I would put them in their sleeper and slip away to the master bedroom to be with hubby.
It also helped my husband get the sleep he needed since he not only worked a hard labor job, but was recovering from a serious illness during some of those baby years.
I have heard many women swear that their husbands love cosleeping, but I have heard so many men say that they in fact do not, but are too scared to say otherwise for fear of angering their wives or looking like jerk-dads.
I have not met one man who actually loves cosleeping. I am sure they are out there like albino deer, but especially when the kiddo has started school, they want them OUT!
That’s been my husband’s experience in his pediatric practice, too. He’s talked to so many moms who say that everybody loves co-sleeping, but then when the dad gets my husband alone, the dad always asks what he can do to move the kids out of the bed. I have had some readers tell me that co-sleeping is the husband’s idea, and so I do think that some guys do want to do it and do push for it. But I also really think it’s the big minority! Sounds like you had such a hectic few years there! I’m glad you commented, so other women in similar situations can see, you will get through this one day!
My husband is actually the one who wants to co sleep. He sleeps in one room with one of our kids, i sleep in the babys room with the baby. Now, he had been taking the baby in with the older kid and I’ll sleep upstairs. He gets up at 3in the morning for work, so I’ll sometimes get up with him. His work schedule is more off a deterrent to alone time for us because it’s really hard getting up at 3. And i don’t go to bed when he does. Its been a problem since before we had kids.
Oh, that is so difficult! I don’t think there are any easy solutions when work begins in the middle of the night. How tough!
Our experience with cosleeping is that we both neither love nor hate it, but are too lazy in the middle of the night to sleep train. What we do do is try to keep the guest bedroom clean and ready so once the kids are down and we want to have sex, we can. It’s not perfect, but it does help.
So many of the items you have listed tie together for me. I need to have a clean space. When the kids were little required his help to accomplish. When he helped me, I felt closer to him emotionally. It led to me feeling emotionally calm because much of my to-do list had been checked.
I understand what ANW is saying above. However, I think it depends upon the strength of your emotional connection before the upset. When my marriage was in its dark season, making love left me feeling defeated because we didn’t have the emotional connection to begin with. Now, sexual intimacy absolutely does repair our distance after we’ve had a dispute because we are emotionally intimate to begin with.
Interesting Economics 101 concept, Sheila!
Thanks, Bonny!
I think is true for me too. I can’t concentrate on relaxing until a certain amount of stuff is squared away. Once my husband realized that, it was better. its like he needed to have sex and then he could get to other things, but i need those things done to relax.
I just think it’s so interesting that were like complete opposites in every aspect of sex. I would think of it as a sick joke, but i know it’s Gods way of having us work together, compromise, give each other Grace, and show each other love.
Love that! It is almost a big joke, but it does help us learn to give.
Brilliant analogy!!! From my experience, if one partner makes the “price of sex” so high that it rarely happens, and that partner is unable or unwilling to “lower her input costs”, then the whole marriage is headed for a “GREAT DEPRESSION” …… including divorce.
Just to offer a different perspective, the price of sex in this household:
You loaded the dishwasher wrong
Dinner was early
Dinner was late
You want sex at 9 p.m.? That’s awfully early, then what?
You want sex at 1 a.m.? Too late!
You want sex in the morning? What’s your problem?
You showered after I asked you not to shower before sex
You didn’t shower after I told you to shower before sex
I can go on for miles, but you get the idea. I heard every possible excuse there is so I finally stopped asking him — seven years ago.
Best of luck to all of you sorting out that cost of sex curve. Mine is being redrawn to include another man. One who values a healthy and generous sex life with an enthusiastic partner.
I would add one more aspect. How much reward you get out of sex changes how much you want it too. Working on technique and practicing giving each other pleasure and becoming closer to one another acts to shift the curve (in economic terms) so that you’re more likely to have more sex even with all other factors the same. When you know it’s going to be good, you’re more likely to be willing to put in the effort to override tiredness, a messy bedroom, sick kids, and so on.
Love that! (And love the way you mentioned shifting the curve, too! 🙂 ).
Any advice for morning sickness? I’m starting a second medication for it tomorrow. My poor hubby ?
Oh, girl, just hang in there! It will be over soon! Mine was HORRIBLE too. I used to dream of apples and boiled eggs, thinking that maybe I could keep those down (nope). These days do pass! Eat small amounts frequently. Sip stuff other than water (that tends to be more nausea-inducing; even some juice can sometimes be better). And get outside and walk a lot. That helped.
Those are great tips! Thank you ?
It takes a lot of concentration and focusing to reach orgasm and that spoils the relaxing and romantic atmosphere for me. We both end up disappointed. So I told my husband it is okay that I don’t have a orgasm. I’m happy with just a massage and then he can have his release afterwards. But he can’t make peace with that. He says that he enjoy sex more if we both have a orgasm. Why can’t I just have a orgasm easier. My husband does so much with the fore play. He really takes his time by massaging me ext. So there’s nothing wrong with his stimulation.