Is sex too expensive in your marriage?
Don’t worry–I’m not talking about prostitution! I’m actually talking about economics. Today, just for fun, I thought we’d take a look at sex in marriage from an economist’s point of view.
I’ve taken Economics 101 five times in my life. Once in grade 12. Once in my undergrad. And then I had to take it again for my Master’s (they wouldn’t exempt me). Each time I learned exactly the same thing. Then, when my daughters were taking university courses online when I was homeschooling them, I went through the material first with Rebecca and then with Katie. I have Economics 101 down pat. Unfortunately that’s all I know.
But that obviously makes me eminently qualified to look at sex from an Economics 101 point of view! So let’s jump in.
Basic economics tells us that the “price” of something is where the demand for it intersects with the supply of it. The demand for something tends to increase when the price drops, while the supply tends to decrease when the price drops.
But what determines how much of a product will actually be supplied at each point? The cost of the inputs. So if you were making ice cream, for instance, and the price of milk dropped, then the supply line would shift, and the price of ice cream would decrease.
In the original gorgeous graph above that I made using Powerpoint, you can see that the demand and supply meet at 11 times per month. But what happens when an input cost drops? Suddenly more will be supplied at each price point, and bingo! You now have sex 13 times a month.
Okay, that may sound complicated. But I hope you get the picture: when inputs are more expensive, you’re going to get less of something, because people won’t buy as much at the higher price. That’s why if the government wants you to buy less of something they tax it (like gas or alcohol), but if they want you to buy more of something they give you a tax deduction (like charity).
What does this mean for sex?
It means that if the cost of sex gets too high, then you’ll have less sex.
So if you want to have great sex in marriage, we’ve got to keep the cost of inputs down!
Today, for Top 10 Tuesday then, I thought we’d look at the “cost” of 10 inputs into a great sex life in marriage, and see what we can do to reduce those costs!
I’m not talking about foundational things, like feeling good about sex and having a positive view of sex, or having sex that doesn’t hurt. These are necessary, too. Call them the factory–the thing that is necessary to even produce the product.
But then you have the inputs that go into it. You could feel great about sex and have a positive view of sex and still never want to have sex, because the cost of the inputs is just too high.
As you’re reading through this, pick just ONE or TWO things to work on. Don’t try to tackle all 10. Just pick the one that you think is most influencing the cost of sex in your marriage, and then decrease that! Here we go:
An Economic Look at the Inputs to Sex in Marriage
1. Having a place to make love
It’s hard to have sex if there’s not an obvious place where it will easily happen! That’s why it’s so important to keep the bedroom just to yourself, and to keep it feeling inviting and clutter free. If your children sleep in your bed, and you have to find another place to have sex, for instance, then the cost is much higher. If sex didn’t require the work of moving or going somewhere that isn’t as warm, then you’d likely have sex more often!
How to Lower the Cost: Clean your room. Move kids to their own beds. Buy some delicious bedding! Get a space heater or a fan if necessary.
2. Having time to make love
If one, or both of you, works shift work, then there isn’t an obvious “time” to make love like there is usually. Or if your schedules with kids, school, or work don’t line up, then it may be difficult to find a kid-free time when you’re both awake and energetic.
How to Lower the Cost: If evenings don’t work, can you start a morning routine? If it’s not work or school schedules, but simply lifestyle preferences, can you make a decision to go to bed at the same time anyway? If it is work or school, make a long-term goal to adjust your work or school schedules so that you have time alone together.
3. Having physical energy
It’s not just time together that matters; it’s time together when you’re not fighting desperately to stop from drifting off. When you’re exhausted, it’s harder to want to make love!
How to Lower the Cost: Try, as much as possible, to get at least seven hours of uninterrupted sleep a night. Help older babies, toddlers, and small children learn to sleep in their own beds. Look at the work that you do for the family and see if you can delegate it differently or cut some things out so that you don’t feel as bone tired.
4. Feeling physically well
Then there’s simply feeling well! If you’re afraid you’re going to puke, sex isn’t high on the list of things you’d like to do. That’s why pregnancy can make sex so tricky! But so can other ailments, like migraines, chronic pain, and more.
How to Lower the Cost: Decide that you will make a priority to take care of your health. Start an exercise routine, even if it’s just 15 minutes a day. Consult a nutritionist or do some research on how to eat better. If you have a specific health concern, speak to your doctor about how to manage it. Your body really matters; let’s treat it well!
5. Feeling emotionally replenished
For many of us, our need to have time to ourselves to rejuvenate, to think, to pray, or just to be relax is greater than our need for sex. That means that if you’re together at night, but you’ve had no time to rejuvenate during the day, you’re far less likely to want to have sex and far more likely to want to run a bubble bath, journal, or even take a jog.
How to Lower the Cost: Talk about your schedule and see if he can take some responsibilities off of your plate earlier in the evening so you can have some time to yourself. Make a practice of grabbing time during the day without feeling guilty. If you work, take your hour long lunch break to center yourself. If you’re at home with kids, take the nap time to relax rather than to get caught up on housework.
6. Feeling mentally calm
How can you have sex when your mind is going a mile a minute? When it comes to sex, multi-tasking is a woman’s greatest enemy. And when we can’t turn off our brains, it’s hard to turn on our bodies.
How to Lower the Cost: Pick a time earlier in the day when you go over your to do list for the next day. Go for a walk after dinner and talk to your husband about the things that are on your mind. Help clear your head before evening comes.
7. Feeling good about your body
If you hate your body, it’s hard to think about your body. And if you can’t think about your body, it’s hard to focus on it enough to get aroused! So how we feel about our bodies affects our tendency to want to have sex.
How to Lower the Cost: Dress your body well and take care of your appearance during the day. Fight the frump! Do lots of stretching and enjoying your body. Ask your husband what his favourite parts of your body are–and believe him.
8. Feeling emotionally close to your husband
Who wants to have sex if they don’t feel close? You need to feel like you’re connected emotionally before you want to be connected physically. Like I said in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, Men make love to feel loved, whereas women need to feel loved to make love.
How to Lower the Cost: Spend time everyday sharing about your high and low of the day. Use some of my conversation starters to start talking again. Find a hobby to do together. Or enroll in my FREE 5-lesson emotional reconnection course.
9. Trusting your husband
For a woman to enjoy sex, she has to be able to be totally vulnerable. She can’t be vulnerable, though, if she doesn’t trust him, either because he’s used (or is using) porn, or he’s texting other women, or he’s being emotionally or physically abusive, or he’s had an affair.
How to Lower the Cost: The only way to deal with these big things are to confront them. With most of these things, you will need outside help. They will not get better without you drawing healthy boundaries and you both learning together how to rebuild trust and treat each other well. My book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage talks about this.
10. Enjoying your husband’s scent
Here’s the last one, which those of us with husbands with good hygiene often take for granted: we need a guy who doesn’t stink. And I get email upon email every week from women whose husbands don’t shower enough or don’t brush their teeth. How, then, are they supposed to want to make love?
How to Lower the Cost: Many of these women are looking for “nice” ways to tell their husbands their hygiene is bad. I’m not sure there is a nice way. I think sometimes you just have to say it: “I’d love to make love, but soap and toothpaste are the best aphrodisiacs, and they come before foreplay.” You can even make it a routine that every night you shower together or you brush your teeth at the same time. But beating around the bush and hoping that it changes won’t do any good!
So there you go–10 inputs into sex that we all need.
Which one is the most “expensive” for you? Which one do you have to lower? Or did I miss one? Let me know in the comments!
And remember–my Boost Your Libido course addresses so many of these inputs, and helps you “lower the cost” so that sex becomes easier! Check it out now--because you CAN affect your libido, and make your marriage so much more fun!