If you’re single, you may be looking out at all the prospects that are around you, and wondering, “Am I going to have to settle in marriage?”
Are your dreams for the kind of guy you want going to have to go out the window if you do actually want to get married?
I know a lot of single women read this blog, and I wanted to dedicate a week to talking about some issues that many single women have. And I thought this was a good one to address: Is settling in marriage inevitable? And is it a bad thing?
I guess I’d say: It depends what your definition of “settling” is.
So let’s take a look!
It’s not settling in marriage to realize that some of the things you hoped for really weren’t that important anyway.
Before I unpack that, let me tell you a story about a woman who was afraid she was settling.
I have a great friend who is like honey to bees–everyone flocks around her. So she knows a TON of people. A while ago she thought to herself, “Hmmm…..Jane is 28 and unmarried, and she’s an AMAZING woman. And Tom is 29 and unmarried, and he’s an AMAZING man. They would go together so well!” So she set them up on a blind date.
The date went swimmingly. Jane texted my friend afterwards raving about Tom. Tom texted her raving about Jane. They both were so impressed by each other’s love for God and amazing character and sense of humour, and there was immediate attraction on both sides. My friend was very happy.
But then the second date happened, and Jane, heartbroken, said that she could no longer see Tom since marriage couldn’t be in their future.
You see, Tom loved hockey (we’re Canadian, after all). And Tom played hockey even today, and Tom was looking forward to any sons he had playing hockey.
Jane felt hockey was violent and contributed to violence in society, and was dangerous anyway, and couldn’t let her sons play hockey.
And so it was over before it really began.
I’m sorry, but that is so, so very shortsighted.
Jane missed several key things: first, they may not even have sons. Second, those sons, if they had them, may not even like hockey. Third, and most importantly, by being married, we change each other. Because I’m married to Keith I have found myself interested in things I never would have done before, and he has become a different person, too. Who’s to say that Jane wouldn’t find herself liking hockey? Or that Tom wouldn’t find himself finding other things were more important?
The key thing is that if they’re both in touch with God and following God, then God can change their hearts to whatever God wants for any sons they might have.
And this is where settling comes in.
It is not settling to let go of some of the things that you dreamed about for a husband, as long as you hold on to the ones that are truly important.
I have met a lot of Janes in my life. They have these big lists of what they need in a husband, and they’re determined to wait, because that would be trust, wouldn’t it? God has already planned out this perfect person for them–a person that God planned for them before the foundation of the world. And if they compromise on any of these things that would make him perfect, then wouldn’t that mean they’re missing out on God’s real plan for them?
Or perhaps they don’t spiritualize it that much. Maybe they just say, “I have dreams and I’m not going to settle, because then I’ll miss out on the best. I’ll wait until I find him!”
But the problem with this line of thinking is that we’re not static beings. When we get married, we will change. We will like different things, different TV programs, different hobbies. Our appearance over the years will change. And just by being married our goals often change! The things that were vitally important to me at 23 aren’t even on my radar now.
Here’s what a list of what you want in a mate does:
It looks at me, as I am right now, and it says, “what kind of person would be perfect for who I am?”
But a marriage is bigger than just you.
My youngest daughter, for instance, is seriously into music and Broadway musicals. She can’t imagine marrying someone who doesn’t share her admiration for soundtracks, because it’s so much a part of who she is. But in her heart, she knows that’s silly, because ultimately that is not the important question.
A while ago I wrote a post on the four things you need in a husband–you should never settle in marriage for a guy who doesn’t have these four things.
I strongly urge you to read it, but I’ll summarize here, too:
- He must love God and be totally committed to Him–because then God can talk to him and change him if necessary!
- You must be able to talk about God with him and pray with him (at least a little). Otherwise your spiritual life may not really be true. Seriously, if you both have God and are open to God’s correction and guidance, then you can get through anything!
- You must bring out the best in each other–no putting someone up on a pedestal so much so that you don’t really show them what you’re thinking or feeling. No idolizing anyone. And totally having the ability to share your heart without any danger of criticism and put down. And no feeling that one person is more important than the other.
- He must have motivation/initiative–He must be willing to work hard and have a job and have goals.
If you have those four things, you’re not settling.
But what if I’m not really attracted to him? Is that settling?
I think getting married when there’s no chemistry is really dangerous. I’ve written before about what to do if you’re not attracted to your boyfriend.
But I’ve also known girls who have gone on dates with really good guys, and they just don’t feel that spark, and I think they cut off the relationship a little bit too soon.
I think when you’re in a solid relationship that’s headed towards marriage, you won’t feel like you’re settling.
Once you know the guy well, and once you have that comfortable relationship, you’ll feel blessed (if you’ve been listening to God’s voice).
On the other hand, I know women who won’t even begin a possible relationship if they fear that they’ll end up settling in marriage, and thus they deny themselves the chance to get to know someone who may have been awesome for them.
It is not settling to let go of some of the things that you dreamed about for a husband, as long as you hold on to the ones that are truly important.
If you’re getting close to marriage, and you DO feel like you’re settling, though, then don’t get married.
I have known women who have gotten married to guys they know they don’t totally love just because time was running out and they really wanted kids.
And those marriages have not been happy. They’ve always resented their husband a bit and always looked down on him.
What if you’re 35 and your biological clock is ticking? I don’t know. But I will say this: If you marry, it is not fair to resent him for not being the person you wanted him to be. If you get married, you have to jump in with both feet and decide, “this is the person that I will actively and fully love for the rest of my life!” You can’t marry him hoping against all hope that he’ll change those annoying habits, or feel like he owes you because he got the better end of the deal in this marriage.
You have to just love him.
And if you honestly can’t do that, then please don’t marry him.
I know it can be scary being single and wanting to desperately to get married, and starting to worry that you will have to settle.
All I can say is make the most of these years. Live them fully! Embrace who you are. You’re at a unique time in your life: your time is honestly your own, and you can do whatever you want. So use it! Do some exciting things. Get out and meet people. Discover who you were meant to be. Run after God wholeheartedly. When you live a full life, then you won’t be living as if you’re in a holding period, waiting for your real life to begin. And I think that will put you in a better place to choose wisely anyway!
Other Posts That Can Help You as You Think About Marriage:
The best dating advice I’ve ever heard
How to increase your chances of marriage
Should I marry someone who uses porn?
How to prepare for marriage–and not just the wedding (along with red flags that he really isn’t the right guy for you!)
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Of course you will have to settle in marriage. Another way you may want to put it is you will have to compromise. Both spouses, not just a wife. What is more important, as Sheila pointed out, is that the values are met that can’t be compromised. My wife is who she is, and she will never be into every single thing I am into. I will never be into every single thing she is into. However, we hold the same core values, love Christ, and have similar financial goals. Much of the rest really isn’t that important. There are no knights in shining armor and Cinderella only exists in the movies. But a couple that creates a Godly marriage has far more than a fairly tale husband or princess wife. And your life will be far richer for it.
Beautifully said!
I think it’s also really important to list a few absolute deal breakers before even looking for a relationship. This “deal breaker” list will help to keep a person grounded and aware. This list shouldn’t be long, but should include some basics. For example, I will not be in a relationship with someone who has a gambling problem, a drug or alcohol problem, and/or a past history of cheating. If I meet a man, go on a few dates with him and find out he breaks a deal breaker rule for me, it helps me to break it off before I get too attached. It’s a reminder of sorts before too many emotions get involved.
Great thoughts! I think that goes along with spiritual compatibility–if they have addiction issues, definitely run away!
Hi Sheila,
I desperately need some advice. I am a 32 year old single lady and I would really love to settle down, however I fall in the category you described above of people who believe God has created a special mate before the foundation of the earth. I therefore have list of things I must see before I commit. I always think, if God can heal the sick, divide the red sea, raise the dead, then how can creating a person who meets all of your heart desires be difficult for him? Is anything too difficult for him?
There is this guy presently, he ticks almost all the boxes apart from one- I do not find him attractive. He is on fire for God, caring and kind. I don’t know if I should just let that go since he is basically everything else I prayed for. But then I think what if God actually has someone that ticks all the boxes and I miss out. Also I don’t want to start lusting over someone else because I thought all the other qualities my husband were “enough” for me to commit to marriage.
What do you advice?
Wait and see where it goes. I had a friend in college whose best friend would have been the perfect guy for her, except she was not attracted to him. At all. Five years later, after a long time building up a friendship, she was ready to make that change, and it worked out and they got married.
I also would not advise you to marry someone you just could not connect with physically. That’s why you should wait — either it will work out as you build a relationship, or it’ll become more apparent that physical attraction is a permanent issue.
That’s great advice, Sunny-Dee!
It sounds like you are praying about it–keep on!! Does this guy stay in your thoughts more than other guys? That might be an indicator. Just speaking from my own experience which sounds similar to yours, I was really close friends with a guy at college–loved being with him, but no spark. So I prayed and asked God if there was supposed to be a spark would He please create it for me. We were separated for a little while and when I saw him again–there was this amazing “knock me right over” spark. Now we have been married over 15 years–and God was in it from the beginning. He wasn’t everything my single self had planned, but he was what God planned for me, which is so much better!
Just my two cents–pray for the spark! God will answer either way!
PS–my dear husband still doesn’t completely get this, because he thinks I should have always had a little spark–but he thinks like a man! We are made differently, and I was attracted to him on a different level before he ever gave me butterflies. But when it finally happened, those butterflies came in droves!!
Christine! I’m not really qualified to give advice on this area, but I can share my experience. My now husband and I started a long distance relationship virtually 6 weeks after we met. Within 3 days of our relationship beginning I was positive this was the man I was going to marry. But let me tell you a secret- I wasn’t physically attracted to him at first. I wasn’t repulsed by him in the least, there was just nothing there. In fact, my feelings of physical attraction were only slightly greater the week before our wedding. What made me proceed in this relationship? These 4 things:
1. God was leading us to serve Him in marriage, it was obvious in the confirmation of our relationship by our parents and respected mentors who had prayed over us since birth.
2. My man had shown nothing but absolute respect to me in every way, he had been patient and gentle along the whole journey, so I had no fear of his conduct towards me.
3. This was a man I trusted, in fact I trusted him so much that that alone made me willing to continue into marriage.
4. I loved him and he loved me.
The week of our wedding I asked the Lord to make me want my husband physically, and to give me the boldness to let him enjoy my body as God had joined us together in matrimony. Let me just say the Lord is faithful! The beautiful thing was that God literally ‘flipped the switch’ in my brain, and I can’t imagine those days when I wasn’t physically attracted to my husband. Trust me, since the moment we said ‘I do’ that has not been an issue in the least!
I know this is simply my story and not everyone will have the same experience as me, I just share this to say not being physically attracted should be the least of your worries. If you’re compatible in every other way and the Lord is leading you both in the same direction, I wouldn’t be too worried about not being insanely physically attracted. Perhaps the Lord is saving you- for me, as soon as I got married it became abundantly clear that I have a very high drive for physical intimacy with my husband. Perhaps the Lord kept me from physical attraction to protect my heart from wrong thoughts.
Our world today focuses so much on attraction. It isn’t as important as everyone makes it out to be. If you could see yourself happily serving alongside this man, trust God to bring the attraction along. In my case, if I had just waited for the attraction to come, I might still be waiting. I’m not encouraging you to jump into marriage hoping that that will fix everything, that could be disastrous for both of you! Use wisdom, seek counsel, ask the Lord for guidance. He is faithful to provide just what you need when you need it!
Thank you for sharing that story! That’s great.
I believe that not being physically attracted to someone MAY be a sign that he is not meeting your emotional needs. Women in general become more sexually attracted to someone when their emotional needs are met. This is why you can become unattractive to your husband if this part of the marriage is neglected.
Some men can have solid personalities but lack an ability to care for you emotionally. However, this can be worked through if both of you love God above all but it will take work on both sides.
The man caring for this woman in a sensitive and loving way and the woman learning to understand the difference between wants and needs.
Another thought is that a man cannot really fully do this till after marriage anyways but there should be signs that he has the desire to tenderly love you and he is doing all he can in the boundary of your relationship.
I dont believe you have to be emotionally matched because guys and girls were created differently but you have to be spiritually matched which means both people growing in love towards God and one another. This means that both people are also willing to learn better skills that is needed to serve one another better.
Lol my two cents 🙂