When you feel like you’ve got some pretty big marriage problems, tackling them can seem daunting. How do you get your husband to understand what you’re feeling?
We’ve been talking all week about how to have more productive conversations with our husbands, so that we each understand each other and feel heard.
I talked about getting our hearts right in the beginning: checking ourselves and believing the best of our spouse. Then yesterday we looked at 10 ways to talk so your husband will hear.
Today I want to talk about one of the most important concepts when it comes to marriage problems that I’ve ever discussed. Seriously, if we could get this right–we could change everything! When Keith and I share this when we’re speaking at marriage conferences, people all of a sudden grab that pen and start taking notes.
So I hope you’re listening.
(All of this is taken from Thought #7 of my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, and if you are struggling with this in your marriage, please pick up the book! It teaches what I’m saying here in much greater depth, and it will help you resolve those marriage problems without attacking each other!)
Here goes: usually when we’re talking about resolving conflict, we think of it as a difference of opinion: he sees the world one way, and she sees it another way.
As soon as you frame your marriage problems like that, you set yourselves up where one of you will win and one of you will lose.
Then the goal becomes convincing the other person that they are wrong.
That’s antagonistic. It’s ugly. And it’s often really counterproductive.
'If you frame a marriage problem as 'you're wrong about this,' you've lost already. No more win/lose!'Click To TweetAnd it’s one reason that husbands often shy away from those important conversations–and why we may, too! We don’t want to feel attacked. One husband who commented last week wrote this:
During the first 20+ years of marriage, when my wife would say “we need to talk”, she had no intention of either listening to or understanding my point of view. “We need to talk” was code for “I need to tell you how I think you should behave or act”. Expressing my opinion would be met with an initial attempt to convert me to her point of view. If unsuccessful, she would unleash a verbal attack, both guns blazing. After a few such “discussions” where I left feeling like a defendant whose testimony and credibility had been shredded to pieces by a skilled cross-examination, “we need to talk” was a signal for me to withdraw to my office.
What if there were a better way?
Let’s look at specific marriage problem and see how it could be solved WITHOUT attacking each other and without one person winning and one losing.
Here’s the scenario: The husband’s dad passed away six months ago, and his mom, who has always been a little fragile, isn’t coping well. She doesn’t have a great support system. While she’s still relatively healthy and living in her home, there are lots of things she can’t do well–fixing up the house, raking leaves, shovelling snow. Plus she’s been overwhelmed with all the paperwork from her husband’s death.
She’s dealt with it by calling her son constantly to ask him to come over and help. For the last few months, his weekends have been eaten up by his mom.
At the same time, he and his wife have three young children under the age of 6 who no longer see their dad.
What should this couple do?
In the typical “resolving conflict” approach to this marriage problem, this is what would normally happen:
The wife comes to the husband and says:
We never see you anymore! You’re at work all week, and then you’re always with your mom. We need you, too! When are you going to spend some time with us and start being a husband again! You have more responsibilities than just to your mom!
What is the issue in this situation, according to the wife?
The husband spends too much time with the mom.
What will happen to this couple if they then have a heated discussion about this? They’ll end up debating how much time he should spend with his mom, and they will each feel attacked.
What if the underlying marriage problem here isn’t actually how much time he spends with his mom?
What if they’ve just defined the issue wrong?
Here’s what I suggest: Instead of seeing the issue as the thing that you disagree about, recognize that every time you get upset at each other, it’s because you have unmet needs.
'Instead of framing a marriage problem as something you disagree about, frame it as unmet needs.'Click To TweetThe issue is not how much time he spends with his mom. The issue is that they both have unmet needs.
In this case, hers are likely loneliness and worrying that she’s not a priority. His are guilt over feeling like he’s a good enough son, likely with some grief for his dad thrown in.
What would happen if instead of debating how much time he should spend with his mom, this couple instead just talked about their unmet needs?
They could then brainstorm, “how can we help her feel less lonely and know that she’s a priority to him?” They could talk about starting a weekly date night, even if it’s just an at home date night. They could talk about starting a hobby they do together in the evenings. They could talk about texting more throughout the day. They could talk about reserving some weekends for family activities.
Then they could talk about his needs. How can she help him minister to his mom? Maybe she can go with his mom to some women’s events at church. Maybe they could have his mom over for dinner more. Maybe he could talk to a counselor about his grief over his dad, or take a weekend just to himself to pray.
And as they talked about these things, likely they’d work out a schedule that worked for both of them, because they’re acknowledging: you have a right to feel the way you do, and we can fix this together!
Instead of it being a him vs. her, it’s now an “us” issue–what can we do to help each other? It’s a totally different dynamic! And it’s changed the way that Keith and I handle conflict, and how we see these issues, too.
Last week a commenter gave an example that was really very similar. She said:
My husband and I have a pretty good marriage. We get along pretty well, share the same values. But he flat out refuses to talk about some things. He never ever helps me with our budget, he’s almost completely uninvolved in homeschooling our kids.
I’ve asked any way you can think of for us to talk about these important life issues. I don’t start out nagging. I try to be excited and open and happy.we got in a huge argument this weekend about it.
We finally talked a little, but it was me showing him the budget I’ve already made for the year. He didn’t give any input whatsoever. I told him i was putting my foot down. He needed to talk because this is too much on my plate.
He opened up and told me that my budget confuses him. I keep track of our spending in kind of a weird way. I don’t keep a register. It works for me. But it confuses him. He told me he needs to see all the transactions. Neither of us are wrong, we just need to work together so were on the same page. All these years of arguments about the budget and he needs to see all the transactions laid out. Its such a simple fix!
Do you see how things changed when instead of the issue being “you’re not making a budget or sticking to a budget”, it became, “what do we each need in order to make a budget that works for both of us?”
I don’t know what marriage problems you’re having right now, or what issues you’re facing.
But do you think you could try to reframe those issues and try instead to identify the unmet needs you both have? Just see how it can change the whole tone of the conversation!
I have so much more about this in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage–including what to do if the needs that he’s expressing aren’t really legitimate (like he’s saying I need complete privacy, or I need to have the freedom to watch anything I want online). Start your path to healthier conflict here!
Let me know in the comments: is there an issue that you go round and round on, and never resolve? Do you think framing it like this could be helpful?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I have a weird question. I often read articles about how to improve my marriage, both by you and others. As I’ve done that I’ve recognized that I have a pretty great marriage. But what if I’m wrong? What if I’m missing some big problem that we can’t get over and my hubby and I end up needing to divorce? Does this with make sense?
Are you noticing any red flags? Sheila has a list in one of her articles to check. Has something happened that you can’t seem to forgive? Sounds like that’s a no. Are you just disatisfied? Bored?
Thanks for mentioning that article, Angie! It’s right here.
Carrie, I’m just wondering what the underlying reason is for the question? Honestly, if you have a pretty great marriage–that’s wonderful! But worrying about it won’t help. Just work everyday at making your marriage wonderful and loving your husband, and you’re set!
Look, the only reason a marriage fails is because one person decides not to work at it anymore or decides to violate trust. You know yourself; are you ever going to have an affair or stop working on the marriage? You can decide no! And then, while you can’t control your husband, you can certainly work at building communication and feeling close, and when two people have that, it’s very unlikely anything bad will happen.
So keep praying, hang in there, and DON’T WORRY!
Sheila, this is for you. Different subject but thought you could check it out and use as appropriate at later time on subject of healing from abuse / trauma. Paul Maxwell has an excellent post at Desiring God 01-05-17 entitled Trauma is Not a Life Sentence. Here’s the link http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/trauma-is-not-a-life-sentence
Good article. Thanks for all you do.
Anonymous SC
Thanks for that!
This is really great, Sheila. I’m planning to pin it and refer back to it. We do have a huge problem in our marriage with communication though, so The need-sharing is usually rather one-sided! I do know what some of his needs are, so I can start there.
Awesome! I’m so glad you found it helpful. Seriously, this was SO revolutionary for us. Helped amazingly, because you get out of the blame cycle.
Hi Sheila, I really appreciate this article and I think it’s a simple truth that most people can understand and put into action but it’s nice to read it and have the reminder. But I’m wondering what to do if the problem goes much deeper than these things. Like for example with assuming that he means well. My husband often says things that really hurt my feelings. Of course I know that he didn’t mean it the way that it sounded and he will agree with that. He is a good man but his good intentions just don’t seem to be enough for me. I know he has some work to do and should speak more carefully but I should also accept that he doesn’t mean to hurt me. I just can’t seem to do that. Just the idea that he didn’t think about my feelings or has to force him self to be careful not to say something hurtful makes me feel very unloved. Another big problem that we have is that he feels shut down by our arguments and withdraws and now refuses to talk about much beyond what we are having for dinner or what our schedules are. I understand no one wants to be attacked so I try my best not to attack him but at the same time I am so hurting and desperate for healing in our marriage that I am willing to do anything, not sleep until things are changed, get mad if we have to, and he would be content with never moving forward as long as we can just keep the peace. I understand that’s how most men are but it makes me feel like our marriage means nothing to him. I told him all of these things. I’ve tried to be calm and not me against you. Nothing seems to help. It never seems to be good enough for me and I always end up hurt. I am afraid that I am just too insecure and will never be happy in my marriage. I also know that he is not perfect and never will be and try to give him mercy but through out the day every day I go from positive to worn down to defeated and feeling like it’s hopeless. I don’t think I can let go of my insecurity, I am too afraid of being unvalued and abandoned.
This is great in theory, but what do I do when I don’t even know what it is that I need, let alone how to express those needs clearly in a way my husband understands???
Don’t mind me, I’m just having a cranky, out of sorts day. I will definitely take this advice on board, in the morning!
No, it’s actually a great question! I would say this: usually when we’re having a conflict, it’s because we’re angry. But anger is almost always a secondary emotion. It’s a reaction to an emotional hurt of some sort. So if you can ask yourself, “what am I feeling right now?” or “what am I needing from you right now?”, sometimes we can uncover it!
This article gave me another good perspective. Thank you. I have gone to marriage counseling and fully agree unmet “needs” is almost is always the cause of hurt feelings. We always have to look at the underlying issue. What I also learned as well is needs can many times be wants instead. And we as couples have to learn to distinguish the two. For example, I can want my husband to help with the laundry because it makes things a bit easier. However, it’s not a need. If he doesn’t do it, it doesn’t change how I feel about him or our marriage. It was so freeing when we leaned to distinguish true wants and needs in our marrange. Thanks for a great week of ways to improve communication in marriage.
I think the difficulty of this is when one side has far deeper unmet needs than the other. This is especially problematic with sex, where one spouse might be content with the amount or quality of sex they’re having and the other is not. If you frame it as unmet needs, then why would the content spouse want to change anything? Ideally both spouses would want to meet the needs of the other, but sometimes there are issues with that. If you change the amount of sex to meet the need of the other, then the formerly content spouse will probably then have unmet needs for space or time, and the pendulum swings the other way. I’m oversimplifying, of course, because there are lots of reasons for a difference in drive, and simply having more sex isn’t necessarily the answer. But it’s a common problem that illustrates my point.
In general, whichever spouse is more content with the situation is going to be less willing to change anything.
That’s true, Reiko–but then the spouse may have needs at the same time to feel accepted and appreciated. For instance, if your spouse wants more sex than you, than that, in and of itself, may start making you feel inadequate or unloved. So you can start talking about that: How can I meet your needs for more sex, and how can you help me to feel loved and that I’m a valued spouse? The answer to those last two questions likely fall outside the bedroom, but as you address them both together, it’s going to be a more productive conversation.
Great question, Reiko, and I’m glad you raised it!
Your comment reminds me of the front cover. Both individuals are looking unhappy, but in many marriages, one person is doing great and oblivious, while the other has unmet needs. The oblivious one may be unable to acknowledge this, because theytdoing just fine.
I find myself nit-picking all the non-important things my husband does or doesn’t do (not picking up his clothes, not turning the lights off, not closing the garage door–small, silly things). This turns into me holding grudges, him feeling inadequate, me feeling distant with him, us not having sex, him thinking sex will solve everything, and ultimately, I feel a hole in my heart where the love for him used to be (and still is), but it’s not on a deep, connected level like it was years ago. I want to look at my husband in admiration instead of annoyance. What’s my first step?
Tina–that’s so tough! I think the big thing is to change the way you look at things. We can actually train ourselves to notice the good things and comment on them rather than obsessing about the things that tick us off. That’s one of the big “thoughts” I have in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage–My Husband Can’t Make Me Angry. I can decide what to focus on. It may really help you!
The main conflict in my marriage revolves around my husbands insecurities and inability to trust. We have been married for almost 14 yrs. We recently began seeing a counselor during the course of the sessions (I think there have been 6 now) we have yet to resolve the one issue that catapulted us to therapy in the first place. My husband is of the opinion women (me) can not have friendships with men. Meaning if I have a male who is a friend we share a common interest of sports or what not it is inappropriate for us to converse or even attend a sporting event together (with other people around, even invite the hubs to come along). I see no harm as I am totally committed to my marriage and never given my spouse a legitimate reason to think other wise. He however has concocted scenarios in his mind that are totally false and has demanded I no longer have any opposite sex friendships. To the point of giving me the ultimatum end the friendship or he would walk.
At what point do I decide his need for this utter control over me is not worth it any more?
That is tough! I think here’s the issue: You need to feel like your husband trusts you, and he needs to feel like he is the sole object of your affection. So talk about how you can each meet those needs in different ways. And asking him to be involved in those friendships is a very good idea. I have a lot of males that I enjoy talking with, but socially we really only see each other as part of couples or large groups. I don’t text them or spend one on one time with them, because that is inappropriate. But asking your husband to be involved may be great.
I’m sure you have heard this statistic before, but when I was in school my couples counseling class often referenced a state that says 60% of conflict within a marriage is unsolvable coming down to just differences in opinion or gender or back ground! I found that freeing in my own marriage, that every time we have an argument we don’t have to come up.with a solution we can just agree to respect!!
I love that! It’s so true. A lot of conflict just doesn’t get solved. It’s what you decide to do about that that really matters!
I known my husband for 20years been together 4 years and married going on 3 years. In the beginning it was great until he got comfortable. After a while he started hanging out with friends, staying out late, gone for hours and even a couple days. When he would come back home he would smell of alcohol and have no excuse for being gone. That phase ended then he moved to needing more attention so he had an affair; we got threw that even though it will never be forgotten. We moved to the county away from our problems for about 7 months and now the drinking and being gone phase has come back. I complain of course…so now I’m told I’m being selfish. We been threw allot but I’m not ready for the same issues from the past come back. I would rather be alone then have a husband that acts single and young. I don’t know if i should just get a divorce since he clearly is never sorry or has a excuse as to why he started doing this again. I’m lost, lonely and confused.
Hi Sandra! I’m so sorry. It does sound like your husband has some addiction issues and some maturity issues. In this case, I think it’s wise to draw some boundaries and say, “I won’t have this behaviour in my house anymore” or “if you step over the line here, then I will have to take steps to protect myself.” And then you only reconcile when he has done the hard work of changing, like joining a Celebrate Recovery group and getting an accountability partner. That is so, so sad, and I’m sorry. Sometimes churches have good recovery groups that can partner with you in this or at least get you some support.
My husband has recently told me that we are broken, because we both have been putting our children first instead of our marriage. He’s unsure if we can make it past this. What can I do besides pray? How do you not put your children first?
I know it sounds hard, Dusty! But I think if you have no time together, and all of your emotional energy goes into the kids, then you really have nothing left for each other. I’d suggest just start rebuilding a friendship, and almost start from scratch. I have a FREE 5 lesson emotional reconnection course that may help you. It’s nothing big–every week is one small habit you put in place, and together they make a huge difference. You can sign up here, and I really hope that helps!
Hi Sheila, I am new to your website and get a lot out of it.
My wife and I are having conflict over time together / time apart and we have different expectations on this. My wife is very extraverted has many friends at least 20 or more and gets many requests to socialize. I am more introverted and have fewer friends 5-6 that I catch up with. My wife would like to say yes to every social invite she gets and she says she justs wants t be free to go out when she wants to. She does not want to miss out on chances to be with her friends. We have tried to talk this through, I feel she is over doing it, she feels am being controlling and needy. This hurts me deeply and we end up arguing and getting nowhere. We do spend time together usually based around her social schedule but this leaves me feeling like i am getting the leftovers of her time and that I am not a priority for her. Any help you could offer would be much appreciated. Many thanks Annon