What do you do if your husband controls the money–and you don’t have any spending money at all?
Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. This week we’re going to be delving into marriage and finances, and we’re starting off with this question from a stay-at-home mom whose husband won’t give her an “allowance”:
I would love to read your thoughts on the working spouse giving the stay-at-home variety an allowance. I am a stay-at-home mom and I homeschool our 2 kids. I no longer have time to do freelance work, so I rely on my husband to provide financially 100%.
He works very hard, and though we don’t have a lot of disposable income, what we do have of it goes to his hobbies. I have asked in the past for an “allowance” so that I can pursue the things that I enjoy, but he has told me that we can’t budget for it. I understand it from a certain perspective because he is self-employed and our income varies from month to month; but on the other hand, when I have seen him put a certain amount towards his hobbies, I ask for a comparable amount, too, and he gets defensive.
Maybe that isn’t the best way to ask for some spending money, but every way I’ve tried seems a dead end. I think that if we are partners in life, money should be included in the partnership. We have been married just under 10 years, and I have tightened the belt on pursuing my own interests so that he can pursue his, and to avoid arguments. I know that, as a Christian, I am not entitled to anything, and anything I do have is by God’s generous provision, but I still feel our relationship is unbalanced in this area.
Oh, dear.
This question is one that instinctively sets off all kinds of alarm bells in my head. I’ve seen this dynamic too much in marriages around me of people that I love, and it is just plain wrong.
Let’s just look at a few things this reader has said:
- I have asked for an allowance
- He has told me we can’t budget for it
- I ask for a comparable amount
- Maybe this isn’t the best way to ask for some spending money
Do you see what the problem is here?
He controls the money, and she has to ask for it.
That is dangerous. That is wrong. That goes against the gospel.
When you are married, you become one flesh. Included in the old wedding vows were “all my worldly goods to thee I endow.” You’re now a single, economic entity. He does not own the money, and she does not own the money. The marriage covenant means that you own it together.
And yet in far too many marriages, he controls the finances and she doesn’t even have access to them.
If she has to ask for money, then I’m going to assume that she doesn’t have access to the bank accounts. I have seen so many couples where this is the case. He makes the money, so the money goes into a bank account that he controls, and that doesn’t even have her name on it. If she wants money, she has to ask for cash for groceries or for any other household needs.
Besides being very dangerous and foolhardy, since she would be in dire straits if anything ever happened to him, it sets up the marriage where he is above her. He makes the financial decisions, and then decides if he will listen to her input, and she has no way around it, because she does not have access to money.
Now, I believe that sometimes a spouse needs to be cut off from access to the main bank account if that spouse has broken trust and wracked up gambling debts or has credit card bills. Some spouses cannot be trusted with money, and need to take time to confront their addictions and prove that they are trustworthy to handle money.
But to set up a system from the beginning where they feel that the money is “his”, and he is doing her a favour by letting her have some of it, is just simply evil.
It is.
'To set up a marriage where the wife has no access to money is just simply evil.'Click To TweetI know that sounds harsh. But we’re talking about a marriage here, where we are supposed to be one flesh. We aren’t talking about a master-servant relationship or a father-child relationship. We’re talking about a marriage. So what do we define as evil? Anything that goes against God’s plan. In this case, God’s plan is for two people to be one flesh–not for the one to be dependent on the other.
When the husband withholds finances, he becomes a “saviour” in a sense for the wife. She depends on him for everything. She has no money for food, transportation, clothes, or shelter without him. He becomes her benevolent dictator–he has all the power. That is against God’s plan. Therefore, I believe it is evil. For someone to believe that the money is more theirs than their spouse’s means that someone does not believe in the covenant of marriage as God intended. And that means that they are turning away from God. And when we do that–then, yes. It’s evil.
I just want to say to this woman–you seem to feel guilty for wanting some money.
You said,
I know that, as a Christian, I am not entitled to anything, and anything I do have is by God’s generous provision, but I still feel our relationship is unbalanced in this area.
You sound like you’re trying to make excuses for feeling badly about this.
But it’s not that you’re being selfish. It’s that you’re sensing something is seriously off. That’s not selfishness. That’s good discernment!
(I just watched this Dave Ramsey video where he said something similar. It’s actually addressed to guys, but the point he makes is that marriages only do well when they set the finances TOGETHER. And in the very last minute of the video he calls the whole idea of a wife having an allowance ridiculous).
So what would I do if my husband controlled the money?
I would first insist that I had a bank card and full access to the money. If he refused, then I would do what Matthew 18:15-17 says, and talk to someone in the church that we both respect and ask them to mediate. If he still refused, then I would take it to a pastor or elder (assuming that your pastor or elder does not believe that the husband should have full control over the money–which, again, is an evil doctrine).
After that, I would ask him, “can we sit down and make a budget together, because I want to make sure that we’re meeting our financial goals and that I’m being responsible with our money.”
And then I would make a budget (Dave Ramsey’s EveryDollar.com app is great for this!). And included in that budget would be spending money for both husband and wife. I’d suggest getting that money out in cash at the beginning of the month, so it’s understood that you each can do whatever you want with that amount of money. But if you want to spend more than that, then you have to consult the other, since it will have to come out of another item on the budget.
UPDATE: As Ashley pointed out so well in the comments, this may not always work because quite often a man controlling the money is simply financial abuse–and Matthew 18 does not work with abusive men. If you have tried to talk to him and tried this and he won’t budge, then you are in an abusive marriage. Please call an abuse hotline and talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are. When you are married, all property is held in common. You have rights to that money. If he will not give any to you, then you really do need to treat it like abuse. I’m so sorry.
If she has no spending money, then every dollar that he spends will create a conflict.
It’s just such a huge imbalance of power, and it will get ugly. She’ll feel resentment, even if she tries not to, because she’s being treated like a child when she’s an adult.
His marriage will be so much better if he treats her as an equal financial partner–which is what she is. They are a team, working together towards common goals.
Denying your spouse access to money, and treating it like it’s “your” money instead of the family’s money, is just plain wrong. I knew a man who have refused to divulge their family’s finances or the debt load. The wife had to legally separate just to get a court order demanding that he reveal the finances (the wife didn’t want to separate; she just did that to get access to the information, so that she could make a plan to take care of the kids, since he was overspending so badly.) If he had just let her in in the first place, none of that would have needed to happen.
Tomorrow I’ll be talking about why it’s important that a couple share finances, whether they both work or not, but today I just wanted to address this slightly different issue when the husband controls the money. Not okay. Ever. And it needs to stop.
Have you ever been in a situation where you had no access to money? Or do you know friends in that situation? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
These sorts of situations make my blood boil. Truly. How awful.
My husband and I have had our share of financial stress, but one of the best things we ever did was (per Dave Ramsey’s advice) give *both* of us an “allowance”/”fun money” to spend on whatever we want every month, as long as it isn’t illegal or immoral. During very lean times, it might be $10 or even $5/month, but it is ours and it’s the same for each of us. The rest belongs to the household (with a portion for church and other charitable giving.)
My husband likes to spend his on craft beer and football tickets for him and his dad. That’s not what I would choose, but he probably wouldn’t choose books or a night out at a restaurant with friends, either. And that’s OK.
I know a few couples who maintain completely or mostly separate accounts, and I guess I don’t see why that would be wrong, necessarily, but at the very least it seems like a headache for accounting. Up until recently we both worked, and even then we always deposited into the main family account. We do a zero based budget, so seeing exactly what we have to work with, in one place, is really helpful.
Hi there!
I love Dave, too!
And I totally agree with the idea that each of you get a “fun” allowance. But that can only work when you’re budgeting together. I wish more people would listen to Dave; he really is very wise and God’s given him such great insight into how human beings operate!
We did that too. Both of us are frugal, but my husband is extreme.
So, we sat down and figured out how much we can afford to just blow on whatever. And that is the amount each of us can spend on whatever we want.
Now my husband almost never spends his and many, many months I don’t either! As, I said we are both kind of frugal. But I know that if I want something or to eat at a more expensive place with a friend, or just see a cute dish, I have the freedom to do so and live as a responsible adult.
Back in the 1960s (so this was super rare then), both of my grandparents worked at professional jobs. My grandmother loved to go shopping. Like, a lot. A lot a lot. And she kept overdrawing their bank account and once they had their electricity cut off because the check bounced. My grandfather finally made her get her own checking account and put her paycheck in there; all of the household expenses came out of his account, and then she could spend hers freely without risking the electricity. My grandmother was a wonderful woman in a lot of ways, but not so much the budgeting and financing. That was the solution that came up that worked for them.
But that wasn’t a matter of control, for either of them. It was just an accommodation for their two very different personalities.
It also probably wouldn’t work for everyone.
I really feel for the woman you wrote about. 3 years ago I had an accident that broke my neck, and finished my working outside the home. I never had to depend on a man ever. During these last 3 years I have learned how selfish my husband truly is. He takes Mexico trips by himself, he eats dinner out by himself, and never takes me anywhere. He say’s he’s the one who make the money and pays for everything, I have a roof over my head and a car to drive, what more do I need. After all I live for free, when I tried to leave him once he told me that I owed him back rent of 80,000. dollars, which means he would see to it I get nothing. Like this lady I have no money, no friends, no family, and no place to go. Why do we put ourselves through this??? we don’t need them, I have found a way to figure this out so that I can have my own income. And yes it is purely evil to be treated like this, no matter what the situation is.
Just wanted to comment to echo that this is NOT ok. It took a couple of years of marriage before my husband and I got on the same financial page (thanks, Dave Ramsey!). We’ve been married almost 11 years now, and our money is our money, no matter who earns it. We both control the budget, and we agree on all the money spent.
Please don’t feel bad about pushing for your right to access your family’s finances! This is SO important for the health of your marriage and for your own happiness as well.
Thank you, Emily!
I am glad you are addressing this important issue. I am a certified abuse victim advocate and I personally would call this financial abuse.
Matthew 18 does not work in abuse situations. I would highly recommend that this woman contact an abuse victim advocate in her area. This is dangerous and we can’t trust her church or Christian friends to handle this properly if they are not trained in domestic violence response. Finacial abuse is usually paired with other types of abuse (or setting up the scene for more abuse). This woman needs a professional counselor and not the same one her husband should be seeing lest he try triangulation on the therapist.
Hi Ashley,
I totally agree with you that Matthew 18 doesn’t work in all these situations–and I really should have mentioned that, so thank you very much.
My only concern is that I have known many women in these situations where the husbands are not actually trying to deliberately control or abuse–they just don’t realize that what they’re doing is wrong. I think that in many cases it IS abuse, but in others, I just think the motivation of the husband has to be taken into account. I have known people with relatively good marriages, for instance, where this was the only issue, and where the guy, once he realized he was wrong, did change.
I just don’t want to assume that this particular letter writer’s husband won’t listen to correction. It may very well be the case; but I don’t want to assume.
But I also want to echo what you’re saying (and I’ll actually add an update to the post) and say that if you are in this situation, it may be that you really need to contact an abuse advocate and a lawyer to know your rights and your options.
Thank you!
Thank you, Shelia!
I would agree with some of the comments posted on FB, this woman’s letter is putting up LOTS of red flags for emotional abuse. She already asked and he didn’t listen. I I really think there is a high chance of emotional abuse going on here. Abuse is about power and control so any form of intentional control of an adult is going to be on the abuse scale.
I really appreciate you bring up this important topic. Thank you!!
This is a 24/7 Confidential Hotline for those in abusive relationships to call for advice and support: 1. 888-947-7273
Thank you for that number!
Yes, there really are a lot of red flags here.
I think when a person wants to have total access to money, and doesn’t want to give the other access, then they have an urge to control, which is dangerous. I have known guys who have done this because they thought it was part of “being a man”, but they have come around. But most people who would start out this way are trying to control, and it’s not right.
What really bothered me about the letter, too, was how badly she felt about just wanting a little bit of money. She’s feeling guilty for needing something that she needs! It’s okay to have needs, everybody. And money is a need. And it’s okay to want to have the ability to make decisions like an adult, because you are an adult.
My husband cut me off of all the finances and also cut my cable off to my tv in my bedroom and now he’s talking about taking my car next month and returning his newer truck back to the dealer ship what am I going to do.
I’m so sorry you’re going through that, Donna! I would recommend talking to him and drawing some boundaries. You are an adult, you are an equal partner in the marriage, and he needs to treat you that way. If he won’t, and he continues to withhold money, you can get people involved. Recognize that you have legal right to your finances, and don’t be afraid to get someone involved who could help. Other than that, there are lots of helpful suggestions on this blog for what to do if you’re in an emotionally abusive marriage, what to do if your husband won’t share finances, and the like. There’s a search bar at the top of the page, so I’d recommend you looking up some of those articles, too!
This is my situation exactly! My husband IS a good Christian man, but he is seriously wrong about this situation. If he doesn’t get something I need at the grocery store (I have a medically necessary special diet) then I just have to go without that item. I have to ASK for my prescriptions to be picked up, I have to ASK for money when I know I’ll be taking our child to the doctor, I have to ASK for my cell phone bill to be paid (we don’t have a home phone),etc. And sometimes the answer is no. You can forget “spending money” when I don’t even have enough to run the household. It’s so frustrating.
That is absolutely TERRIBLE. I’m so sorry. I really do think this needs to be addressed. Legally, all of your possessions in your marriage are SHARED possessions, so you should be sharing money. If he isn’t, then he is wrong, just like you said. This isn’t something that you can just put up with. It’s affecting your health and your family’s well-being (with the groceries, for instance). It’s also very, very dangerous. If something were to happen (like he was in a car accident) you WOULD NOT have any access to funds.
Please, sit down and tell him that this will no longer be tolerated, and it is a must-have for you. Bring in a Christian mentor couple if you have to. And if that doesn’t work, then I would say that this qualifies as abuse, and you need to seek out an abuse counsellor to find out what your options are.
But it is NOT okay, and I pray that God will change your husband’s heart.
My husband and I have separate accounts. Well my name is on his but his isn’t on mine. The reason for that being I came into our relationship with more financial debt than he did. I was still paying back to school loans and some credit cards so I thought it would be a good idea to keep that area of our life separate.
Up until till his mother could no longer handle the finances as the utilities were then in her name, I would just write her a check at the end of the month for the total of the utility bills. Now that they are all in my husbands name I do the same for him. I write him one big check at the end of the month for my part of the utilities and mortgage payments and insurance payments.
It seems to work ok for us.
I’m curious, though, Kelly–how do you then do big picture things like saving for a new car or saving for retirement? I’m talking about this one tomorrow, because like Dave Ramsey also says, it’s much easier to pay off those debts when both of you attack them together. It makes no sense, for instance, for one spouse to have a lot of spending money while the other one scrimps and saves to pay off old debt, when if both of you just scrimped and saved it could be paid off quicker and then you could get on with living your life together.
Obviously every couple has to make their own decisions, but I just wonder about how long-term financial goals are planned for then? I’ve never really figured that out!
I have a Pension plan thru my employer(that I contribute almost 10% of my bi-weekly pay and my employer matches it). He is laid off. He HAD a company funded pension at his last employer but since it’s unlikely he will ever be re-employed by his company, that’s gone. He has an IRA through our credit union, funded with monies from past employers.
We finance vehicles. Not smart but it’s how we do things. Since both of us work outside the home, we have to have two vehicles. My last vehicle, I had for over 12 years…replaced the tranny once. Here in Ohio, we don’t have to get our vehicles inspected yearly…and we live in a county that also doesn’t require emissions inspections. But my husband and I maintain our vehicles very well.
If it were up to him, he doesn’t see the need for certain things…like contact lenses for our 12/almost 13 yr old son. While I agree that right now our son doesn’t need them as he isn’t responsible enough, he might want them when he goes to high school in two years. I’ve worn glasses my whole life. My son inherited my bad vision. My husband had perfect vision until he got in his mid 40’s. I got made fun of for having glasses. Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses…and WORSE! I told him that if HE had worn glasses from an early age like myself and our son, then MAYBE he’d understand why and how contacts are important. Plus our son plays sports..we have to buy him an extra pair of sport goggles so he doesn’t break his everyday pair of glasses.
Just like my husband doesn’t think our son needs braces. He didn’t need them so nobody needs them. I got braces when I was a 12th grader(Senior year of high school here in the US). That was after having 6 teeth extracted(including all 4 of my wisdom teeth), wearing a special retainer for a year to stretch my top jaw and then getting two more teeth removed once I had braces on to make room for the teeth to straighten out. I see a need for braces in our son. He’s got a couple of very crooked teeth on top. those won’t get straight unless he gets braces. He likely won’t need the extensive work I had to have done and my insurance covers orthodontics.
Right now…since my husband is unemployed for over a year now, the only goal for him is to find a decent job.
My husband and I have been married for just over two years. We had a baby last month, and we separated last month (I see it as his choice, he has told me it was my decision). He is self employed and is gone most of the time, working very hard to pay the bills. He is a truck driver with his own business and equipment, and those bills are a lot. I worked at odd jobs before the baby came, and took care of the little bills and incidentals and stuff for me. He pays our “mortgage” and the payment on our car, and grumbles about that. I haven’t had access to his account for a while now, and I really do and have always felt guilty for needing money. I also feel that it is wrong to have to ask for money. But I don’t think money is our big issue, sadly it is just one of the many issues that seems to be sinking our marriage right now. I do appreciate what Sheila is saying in this article, thank you Sheila!
You’re so welcome! And that is just AWFUL that you feel guilty for needing money after you just had his baby. That shows that there is something wrong with the way that you both see your relationship, because the money should be both of yours. Not just his. I’m sorry about your separation, and I hope that you have people around you to support you during this really difficult time!
You wonder how this ever started for this couple? This is sad. You speak of being treated like a child, but I would not even treat a child like that. Most parents would not just only buy stuff they liked and never buy things to please their child too.
It seems there are things so much deeper than money here I pray that her husband can really have a changed heart and have a right heart attitude as a person and husband. Because I fear that resolving the money issue won’t resolve what is going on in his heart.
That’s true, actually, TBG. We always gave our kids an allowance! And they always had access to money to do fun stuff. So scary, eh?
This sounds a lot (despite me trying to explain how wrong it is) like my brothers attitudes. One says that if he’s the one working its his money and she has no right to it (even though he wants her to stay at home, homeschooling wife) He’ll provide for her but its his money….the other is a little better he agrees that they each need an allowance but he should get more cause “he’d much prefer to just stay home”. Thankfully neither is married yet. What’s even more insulting when they get into one of their moods about stay at home having no right to the money is our mom was a hard working stay at home mom. When we point this out to them they of course say “oh, not you mom.”
Dreaming of being a wife/stay at home mom, their opinions can be really disheartening (I don’t want to feel like an employee/burden when I’m married and working hard to run a home, not just a house~if that makes sense) so reading this is very encouraging.
I’m glad I could encourage you! And if and when your brothers ever start dating, I would DEFINITELY bring this up with their girlfriends so they can get this sorted out before they get married! It’s such a wrong attitude. And really, really scary. We live in such an entitled society–what’s mine is mine–that people really aren’t able to see beyond themselves anymore into the idea of responsibility, that we’re a family together and I have a responsibility there.
This goes right along with what the other Ashley said. When a husband has this much financial power over the wife, he can easily use it to punish her when he’s upset with her. Let’s say one week they’re getting along great, he likes her meals, and the house is clean. He gives her money. The next week she gets her period, no sex, she has migraines and doesn’t clean as much, and dinner is more simple. No money for her that week. Ugh! Evil is the right word, Sheila!
So true! And it’s just a really, really, really bad dynamic even if it does it with the best of intentions (I want to care for my family). It still means that he has control, which means that he doesn’t think of her as a partner. And that’s really bad.
This is what mine does. He punishes me by taking my internet connection, by threatening to get rid of my pets, and he often tells me when I should go out and what time to go to bed by. Also controla what I eat, shames me and my friends and family for anything “processed” and “unhealthy”….like crackers or pierogies…I rarely ever have McDonalds even if I can
Also, he says “how are you going to support yourself when your money runs out”. And “stop wasting time, go get a job”. Now he’s impregnated me and I’m not feeling so sure about my life anymore. He’s supposed to be “Christian” but he has “no time” to read his Bible or “no money” to get help for his paranoid attitude.
He also makes it all about “duty” and “it’s your job to cook”. He also brags about working….as if that’s special.
I’m stupid for marrying because he was already like this before we got married….he even told me what to dress in during dating. Maybe if my female friends had been in my life more, I’d not have allowed myself to be emotionally attached so easily. I barely have any real friends, barely ever see my friends because they were living out of town or too busy.
Even my woman group leader after leaving our church stopped checking in with me… nobody ever texts just to see how I am :(. I’ve grown up feeling like a ghost…and sometimes figure no one would notice if I died. I’m a quick person but it’s no reason or forget I exist.
Dw and I have handled this several ways. Early in our marriage, I allowed her to handle the money, as I was working quite a lot of hours(seven children are expensive), and she was at home. She asked me to take over handling our finances after an incident where she lost some money for a deposit in the bank. Now I handle all the finances, even though I keep her informed of what’s going on with our finances. She does receive an allowance, although it has varied at different times. I do not take one for myself. Her biggest complaint over money, is that I never buy anything for myself. Most of the time all she wants to know is that he bills are being paid. I try to keep her informed on how I do our budget, but I fear if something happens to me one f my sons, might have to help her manage the finances, at east at first.
Hi there! Yes, it really is absolutely necessary for both of you to know where all the bills are, how much you owe, where the insurance is, and how to access all of this stuff. I know my husband does our finances now (I used to), because he enjoys it more and I don’t really want to. But having someone doing the finances isn’t the same as not giving someone access. I know where all the money is, and I can get it any time, and we talk together about our savings/giving goals. If your wife just isn’t interested, I would still take her and show her where all the files are, and even schedule an appointment every month where you talk about the budget and where you’re coming with your savings and debt goals, even if it’s just 10 minutes long. We really do have to share this stuff!
My dad has most of the bills automated now and my mom despises computers and cannot use them, so my dad made a spreadsheet of all their bills and account logins, his retirement information, and other stuff, and printed off a hard-copy for Mom and sent the XLS to me and my brother. Just in case anything ever happens to him, we can make sure Mom knows how to get to everything (and she’s able to access the accounts and go back to paper billing or call support).
THAT is very smart! 🙂
As a man, this makes me very angry as this jerk of a husband. I’m fearful that this women could be left with nothing if the husband decided to leave her or never disclose the amount of money he has.
Based on my divorce, I believe that if the husbands is the sole name on the bank accounts (not a joint account), the wife would has no legal right to the money. Before determining what to do in the future, I would suggest the lady hire a lawyer (not sure how she would pay for the lawyer) to legally require the husband to disclose the amount of money that is in all of the accounts.
I’m so sorry that this is happening to this lady and this reflects NOTHING of what a Christian husband should do.
Thanks for your empathy!
As far as I understand (though I’m Canadian so my experience may not be the same) you can only be compelled to disclose financial assets as part of a separation agreement. So she can’t go down to the bank and demand access to his accounts. She would have to start separation proceedings.
However, on separation or divorce, all assets would be considered joint, unless there was some pre-nuptial agreement or stipulations in a will for an inheritance received, for instance. So even though she can’t have it now, it would be considered joint in the divorce.
I just pray it doesn’t come to that, and I pray that some true Christian men will come alongside this guy and tell him that he’s being a jerk and he needs to stop it.
It’s different state-by-state, but many states are community property, meaning everything is equal unless there’s a prenup. Some states, however, do have it that only assets that are held jointly are joint property, and if anything (like a house title or a bank account) has only one name on it, it belongs to that one person. Interesting, though, that only matters for where the divorce papers are filed, not for their legal residence or the location of the property. It’s why a lot of celebrities file for divorce in California even if it’s not their full-time residence; it’s a community property state.
Reading this has my stomach in knots! I think it’s ridiculous for a woman to have to ask her husband for permission to have access to THEIR money. He is not loving his wife as Christ loved the church. Somehow, I just cannot see Jesus indulging Himself while His bride goes without. In our household, up husband asks me to manage the budget. But we work on it together as a TEAM. I don’t put either of our wants above the other person’s. We pay our bills first, and anything leftover goes to savings, spending, and giving. We are a one income family right now, he works while I stay home with the kids. But my husband would never dream about withholding money from me, as he knows I’m completely dependent on him for income. It’s completely selfish for this woman’s husband to spend all this money on himself but can’t even spare a few bucks for her to go shopping or start a new hobby! Jesus laid his life down for the church…what the husband is doing to his wife in this situation is not a reflection of Christ. I really hope the wife can get help and that the husband’s eyes will be opened…that he will see his behavior isn’t godly or loving, and that he would have a change of heart.
So true, Nicole! It makes me so sad too.
Also, even though she isn’t earning money, she is still working by raising their children and homeschooling them, saving her husband money. I’m also assuming she does housework, cooking, and making appointments. She’s doing just as much work as he is, so she’s entitled to at least some of “his” money. If she weren’t staying home, he’d be having to pay for childcare and who knows what else!
Yep. But even this discussion makes me uneasy, because if we’re saying, “she’s working, too, just with the kids”, then in a way we’re giving credence to the argument that you should only get the money you work for (I’m not saying that that’s what you believe, only that I think there’s something bigger at stake).
It doesn’t matter who is doing what work; when you are married, everything is YOURS TOGETHER. There is never a “his” or “hers”. I totally agree that she is adding economic value, but I would just still say that we need to step back from that altogether and get back to the idea that we are a team and we should share, just like you said. So very, very sad.
We have been married 30 years. The first 5 were really good. He is a good man. Once children came, we had more struggles and weren’t as close, more fighting etc. Then we hit a major wall. He made a financial decision that I totally disagreed with. We fought a lot until he stopped talking to me. He said that he didn’t want to talk anymore because he didn’t want to fight anymore. Fortunately both of us were committed to the marriage and neither thought of leaving even if we were miserable. I was homeschooling and we were on one income. This time of him not talking to me (except about logistics) and almost no intimacy lasted almost two years. During this time he did things that you would call abusive. I am pretty secure in the Lord and in myself, so I chose to love him and ignore the rest. After all I was in the right Biblically and I truly believed that I didn’t NEED him except to pay the bills. He held the purse strings and gave me $100 per week from which i was expected to buy groceries, paper goods, and any other needs like clothes or whatever. He had a stash of coins on the desk where he would empty his pockets. I used that sometimes until he started keeping it in his truck. He would check the receipts when I got home, etc. All of this was untypical behavior for him. I wasn’t happy but I just prayed. When friends and even our children noticed he was grumpy etc. I told them that he was just going through something. As time went on I found out that I really did NEED him. The marriage covenant is truly spiritual, physical and emotional. I was pretty much shining him on. I was kind to him but ignoring the negative. But after such a long time, I noticed when I would think of him or someone would mention him I would tear up. These emotions surprised me. I was experiencing rejection and I couldn’t ignore that fact. I had enough and turned up the prayers and fasted. The Lord restored our marriage. I started putting my hand on him and praying (whether he liked it or not :)) Hubby heard my true heart and started coming around and talking, being intimate again. I would say full restoration took another 2 years, but today we are better than in the beginning! Truly a team in all things including finances.
All of this to say that even though he was doing “abusive” things, he is not an abusive man. Satan just got hold of him and ran him through the ringer. It was temporary. After he came out of that time people started noticing the difference in him; how he was once again attentive to me etc.
Thank you for your testimony Sandy, I love your last paragraph!
“…so I chose to love him and ignore the rest. After all I was in the right Biblically…”
A: Even if you’re right, the “I’m right, you’re wrong” attitude doesn’t generally lead anywhere happy. Better to communicate and/or take action.
B: Ignoring problems generally doesn’t solve them in any kind of healthy way. And it also isn’t a Biblical method of dealing with any serious issue. (It’s good for dealing with annoyances and the like, not with serious marital problems, character defects, etc.)
I’m happy things seemed to have settles more positively for you in the end, but I think that is the exception, not the rule, and certainly not a method to recommend to other women in the situation like the original Question of the Week writer’s case.
Kindness, yes, always. Prayer? Also yes. Ignoring the problem for two years (and the comment leaves me wondering if it was ever really resolved?) NO! Please don’t do that! You have other options, BIBLICALLY SOUND options. Ignoring a situation (or simply trying to pray it away) isn’t the healthiest way nor is it the Biblical method for dealing with conflict. Sheila has LOTS of great thoughts on dealing with conflict, abuse, etc if you need more advise!
It honestly shocks me that in 2017 there are women who still put up with this nonsense, and even believe it’s what God wants. The Proverbs 31 woman went out a bought field, for heaven’s sake; she had access to the money to make a business decision that affected them both. THAT’s what’s biblical.
Thanks for speaking up, Sheila!
Amen!
In my marriage, I handle all the finances. It is part of my ‘job’. I have tried to get my husband involved in the budgeting process, but he doesn’t really understand, and he doesn’t want to know. As long as the bills are paid and he gets some ‘fun money’, he is happy. There are moments when he asks if he can buy something, and I have to say no (although it’s more ‘not this month’, and then I try to fit it in the next months budget). All of the accounts are in my name bar one, as we live remote and he doesn’t get to town very often, so I’m the one who does all the errands etc. He doesn’t do online banking, phone banking, PayPal or online shopping. I have tried to teach him this stuff, but he doesn’t want to learn it. I do sometimes worry about what would happen if something happened to me, but at the moment it would be OK, because his mother would sort it all out. I’m not sure what will/would happen when his mother is no longer capable of taking care of finances. I guess he will have to learn at some point.
I try. I try to involve him in the budgeting and financial decisions, but he doesn’t want to know. He would prefer to ask for money for things and not have access to the accounts, than have the responsibility of being involved in the decision making.
This has been hard in the past, when I have had to make difficult financial decisions basically on my own, but it’s gotten a lot easier since I’ve gotten onto Dave Ramsey’s plan and have been using the everydollar budgeting program, now, I don’t just have to say no, I can show him my thought process to get to that no, and can put it into the budget for next month.
Having said all that, it is definitely wrong for one spouse to withhold money and information about the finances, and it’s wrong for the money to be seen as ‘his’ instead of ‘ours’, just because one spouse ‘earns’ it.
How is the situation handled when one partner isn’t a Christian? This is one of many issues that are adding weight to the camel’s back. My husband is adamantly against Christianity. (Another time for that one). And a spender.
Yes. I have struggled how to deal with the issue of tithing. I tried just giving 10% of ‘my’ earned income, but that was met with resistance, so currently I don’t tithe. I would love some advice in this area!
I would guess it’s not about being Christian, but the national/state laws. It’s about being legally entitled to the finances you share.
I have been happily married for almost 19 years, but my husband and I had money issues similar to this the first few years of our marriage. Our 16 year old son is Autistic, so I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for the majority of our marriage. Not long after our son was born, I mentioned that I needed money to buy something. I’m not a very good “submissive” wife (per my mother-in-law), so I’ve never “asked permission” for anything. He said we didn’t have the money to afford whatever it was that I thought I needed at that time, yet “WE” had just bought “HIM” a new computer ~ spending $1,500+. I didn’t take to that kindly!!! Later that week, I brought him “MY BILL”. I told him if he wasn’t going to treat me like an equal partner, he was going to pay me like I was an employee ~ I researched what a live-in Nanny and Housekeeper/Cook would cost him. Needless to say, it was cheaper for him to just “give” me the money I said I needed.
I have a different situation in that my husband and I have a joint checking account, but I am the one who makes a steady income. My husband has either been unemployed for years (no unemployment income either) or else working part time and claiming they are not paying him. I don’t see a dime of income from him. My problem is-even though I make enough money for us to live on, my husband makes all that money disappear. He’ll say “I had to make a payment”. I am very frugal and do without everything I want or need and keep a close watch on the bank to plan and pay the bills. I always tell my husband what bills I am paying or coming up and how much is in there, but he just goes and gets the money out anyway without telling me or seeing what checks I have already written. I am constantly stressed about it and check the bank account daily so that we don’t bounce a check. I’ve tried to make HIM pay our bills-but they just don’t get paid and then we’d be worse off. When we got married, I had a large savings account and my husband had none. Since I believe spouses should share everything-including the finances, I of course put his name on the accounts and all my credit cards. He told me he wasn’t good with finances and asked that I take care of the bill paying. I didn’t know at the time what a struggle that would be. He was great for a few years until he graduated from college and got his first job. He spent way more than he made and put huge bills on my “our” credit cards (without telling me-it was always a horrid “surprise” when the bill showed up) which I struggled for years to pay off. He then drained my savings account down to hardly anything and last year I finally got up the nerve to move the last bit into a different bank-in my name only. I also removed his name from most of my credit cards, or closed them. I had perfect credit previously so I new he was wrecking that. I feel broken and failed because we can NOT make our financial “oneness” to work. Other than money issues, my husband is not at all hard to live with-he is kind and gentle and intelligent. I enjoy being with him but I can NOT get him to communicate about money and I don’t know what to do. I have struggled with just completely cutting him off financially and opening my own bank account but do I give him an allowance or half or none or what? We do need counseling-but of course there is no money to do it. No one understands why I ever say “we have no money to do___” when we both are working. We really don’t! Our accounts are constantly empty. We don’t have cable, cell phones, eat out, shopping, no hair salons, nothing to “cut back on”-I’ve cut everything possible years ago. We have a church family, but I struggle to think about telling anyone about this because my husband is so highly thought of at church. We are both believers and I only want to be a good wife in a Godly marriage. I never thought we’d turn out like this. We’ve been married for 13 years-no children and no money to have them. I scream alone on the inside.
Hi Faith,
I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this–and I do believe that this is VERY SERIOUS.
It sounds as if you’re not able to get ahead at all, and some super important things in life–like having children–are off of the table simply because your husband is irresponsible with money.
This isn’t okay.
Your husband is sinning. He is spending more than he has, and he is lying, and he is not being responsible.
You need to build some firm boundaries and start addressing his spending addiction. It will not magically get better on its own. The only way things will get better is if you start saying, “I will no longer tolerate this, and we need to get help.”
You need to decide–am I willing to live like this for the rest of my life, never having kids, never getting to do anything that I want or feel financially secure?
And if this is not the life that you want, then you really need to speak up. I think it’s great that you want a godly marriage–but then you may have to go out and build some boundaries so that you get one, because what you have right now is not a godly marriage. But by changing how you act, and by making sure that you’re not enabling him to be irresponsible, then you can have that godly marriage. But it will take talking to some people about the situation and recruiting their help. It will take talking to someone in your church who is wise about finances and asking them to sit down with you. It will take cutting up the credit cards and telling your husband that he no longer has access to all of the money and that he is on an allowance that you both decide on as you budget together. And it will take going to a cash system rather than credit cards so that he can’t spend indiscriminantly. And none of that will happen unless you recruit help.
I really hope you do, because this is heartbreaking. Thirteen years of this? You really need to do something! I’d encourage you to read two books–The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey and my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, which maybe will help you see having a godly marriage a little bit differently. Prayers for you today!
Thank you for your advise and prayers today. After trying for so long to deal with things on my own, I’ve just become numb about the situation. I love my husband and always want others to think well of him so it’s hard for me to say anything negative to others and I keep everything locked into my head. Perhaps, telling my story to you has given me more courage to share with someone at church now. I know it is needed. Thank you for all you do. I really appreciate your blog.
I’m so glad, Faith! I’ll pray that you will have the courage to do what you need to do.
{{hugs}} Faith, in some ways, I have a similar background. I had a large savings and no debt when I married my husband and he had no savings and some debt (could have been worse, but not great). He likes to spend, but not enough to hurt us too too much, mainly just keeping us from saving anything like I did when I was single. But my husband has a drinking problem, and I have to admit that the possibility of him spiraling into more drinking or more spending is a real one. If that should occur, I honestly already have plans to separate our finances almost instantly. This wouldn’t be to shame him — it would be to protect our life together for when he is better.
(I’m a planner. I make back-up plans and to-do lists and contingencies for everything. It makes me feel better to know that if something big went wrong, I would have a safety net.)
Your husband is making his own choices; that is not on you. You do not own that and you are not responsible for it. If, after prayer, you would be better off separating your accounts temporarily *until he overcomes this*, that is not a bad thing. You are not a bad person or a bad wife or a bad Christian for contemplating that. You are taking care of your household until your husband is better. If you decide to keep the finances together, that is okay, too. Remember that you are making this choice. This choice is yours. You are strong enough to do what you need to do, and God is not surprised or shocked by anything you’re going through. He is right there, making you strong enough and wise enough to act in His will.
Sunny-dee, Thank you for sharing your situation with me. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement!
Your situation makes me want to cry. Your husband appears to be committing financial infidelity. If you don’t know exactly where all this money is going, you need to start looking. Check your credit report too, in case he has opened accounts in your name.
You mentioned he is working part-time and claiming they are not paying him. This is a huge red flag! Why on earth would someone work for an employer who doesn’t pay?? If he is being paid but saying he isn’t, what is happening to his W-2/1099 each January? Are you paying taxes on this income? If not, the IRS is going to have something to say about that and they never have anything NICE to say!
Without understanding all the details, I don’t see this problem going away on it’s own or having a good resolution unless you do something about it.
Stop holding this secret. You need to see someone for help and your church family is the first place you should go. It will not get better until you do.
Thank you, Kathleen! Agree completely.
This is a very important topic and I also am shocked that anyone would think they had to put up with this. Enabling the horrible, selfish behavior of your spouse is not the right thing to do.
Finances is a very important topic to discuss BEFORE marriage. If your fiance expresses any beliefs that hint at financial control or being above you, wedding plans come to a complete halt until you get to the bottom of it.
Not wanting to be treated like a peasant doesn’t make you entitled.
Totally agree, Lisa!
I’m a stay at home mom. Until recently I had my own bank accounts and he had his. We agreed before we got married that they stay separate, because he is a truck driver and there are very large bills that need to be payed. I’m not awesome with budgeting, so I would feel awful if I over spent and something bounced. I was perfectly fine with what he was proposing. Back before kids, my money was all mine, I just payed for my car and cell phone, he payed everything else, since he was making more money. He often gave me more if I wanted more. Once we had our first child and wasn’t working out of the home anymore, he started putting a specific amount of money in my account. Enough for all my personal expenses, grocery money, gas money, baby money etc. It was a very good amount, more than I really needed, but if it was a big month for spending I had a credit card that he payed off when I used it. we also had one joint savings account, but neither of us touched that money, since it was specifically for savings. This worked very well for us. Now he started his own trucking company, and he purposely made me signing authority on the company, so in case of death I can access funds, payments etc. I’m still a stay at home mom, and he still ‘pays’ me wages but I never go in and use the other money. I don’t need to. We both talk about our money as his money and my money but no one is greedy about it. Yes his accounts have more but he pays all expenses besides groceries, gas and spending money for me and the kids. I don’t feel like we have to have joint everything to have a good marriage. I’m also a spender and he isn’t. I tell him to spend his money on more than just bills but he isn’t the type to do so. Sometimes he thinks I shouldn’t need to spend more money for another handbag when I have 10 of them, but he’s not going to cut off my money for it!! I guess my point is that there isn’t a one size fits all. He’s not controlling, and I’m not abused just because we have a couple separate accounts. He’s also very transparent with what money is in his separate accounts, as am I with what’s in mine.
Well said. What works for one doesn’t work for all. What’s important is the mutual agreement and respect.
I was raised with this type of thinking. I was taught that as a stay at home wife/mom the money isn’t yours. It’s his since he works for it. And you are to take whatever he gives you fir groceries/needs and just make it work. You are never allowed or suppose to say anything about how he chooses to spend his money, even if it’s foolish. It isn’t your money but his.
It’s a truly damaging way to think. I’ve been married 7 months and still catch myself asking permission to buy something and even apologizing for buying stuff since it is “his money.” My precious husband gently corrects my flawed thinking by reminding me it is equally our money, but I can’t break the chains yet. 🙁
You’ll get there! And it sounds like you have a WONDERFUL husband. I’m so glad God brought someone into your life who could start to break you of that poisonous and unbiblical mindset. That’s wonderful!
Woww first of all to the lady who asked: am very sorry about your situation.Secondly,this is a common issue and I’ve realized that as time passes,people have really been have been infested by greed,on a very personal level.Like “what is mine is mine.I ve worked for it”.It sure is yours but whatever happened to living simply to allow others to simply live? What is sad is that even our children are picking up that.I watched a segment on Jimmy Kimmel where he was asking kids if they want to get married in the future.One boy (6 years old I think) said “no” and Jimmy asked him why?he said “because when you re married,your spouse is entitled to your money” Like really???a 6 year old? My friends found it funny,I personally thought there was nothing funny about it.this world is doomed
And no I am no free loader.I am working on my PhD so I can make a life for myself in the future .I was just raised to love people and use things.Not the other way around
My husband and I have been married for two years. He came into our marriage with a lot of bad debt and poor finance skills. I paid off all the debt with the Lord’s amazing help, but it came at a great cost to me, it felt. For example, I married in a wedding gown I didn’t like, in order to save money to pay his debt.
My husband lost his job last year and didn’t want to look for work. He didn’t worry about his bills and left it all up to me. I work fulltime in ministry, while having a chronic disease. I didn’t feel that he helped carry the burden, even at home. I felt like his mother. We fought a lot, and I admit I felt it was grossly unfair. It was a horrible time. It is not that he is malicious, but it is as if he doesn’t live in reality and has no common sense financially.
With the advice of others I split our finances (it used to be joint) so that he can carry the consequences of his not taking responsibility for himself. I felt like a witch, but it has given me a sense of protecting and taking care of myself. He has since had some contract work and is looking at studying to open up more job options. We are also praying about some ministry options for him.
Whatever option he chooses, his income will be small, if at all, and we’ll have go back to joint finances to pay his bills. I still feel some resentment about what happened and I am scared about going back to a place of conflict. How do I not measure his daily business to weigh up if he does as much as I do? I don’t know what perspective to have any more.
My husband and I have been married for 7 years. He has a checking account with his mother and brother on it that was opened when he was a teenager. I have a checking account with just my name on it. I work part time (my hours have been cut way back by the company) and I go to school full time. The only money that I have is not mine at all but rather child support for my child from my previous marriage. I had to get credit cards to pay for things I need like toiletries and basic feminine hygiene products. My husband pays all the house bills and I have to put gas in the car and pay my own cell phone bill. He covers me once in a while but I have to pay him back! It is absurd and insulting as I feel he does not see me as an equal partner. It has made me angry and resentful and that isn’t right either. Something has to give. I completely understand the frustration other women have that are in the same position.
Oh, Ginger, that’s really not right. Do you go to a church where some other couples can come alongside you and mentor you and tell him that’s not okay? I’m so sorry.
I have a question involving my alcohol addiction and access to our family money: I have struggled with alcohol for several years and am finally on the right path to sobriety. I had a recent small relapse, but aside from that, I have not drank in two months. I am in treatment and therapy and soon will be receiving an injection that will further curb any cravings and/or desire to drink.
From the beginning of our relationship (at the point where we began living together), he has had control of “his money”. Even after the birth of our daughter, this continued to be the case. I have also not been the best parent possible because of my alcohol abuse. We were married and few months ago, and I still have no access to money. His primary reason is that he feels I will sabotage our finances and “get drunk”. As an aside, I rarely bought alcohol with any money he earned. Nevertheless, before we were married, I stated that I wanted equal access to money. I am still a stay-at-home mother to the three daughters that still reside in our home.
I am wondering at what point am I able to prove that I am financially responsible? I married him and just after that we filed bankruptcy together, so I really feel as if now is a good time to start budgeting together, etc. I truly want to be active in the totality of managing our household. This is something that is very important to me and I feel as if I continued to drink “over it” because I started to feel as though the situation was hopeless.
I would appreciate ANY thoughts on the matter, as I would like to share them with my husband.
Thank you!
Hi,
My husband is the alcoholic in the relationship so I don’t know if this will help. The hard thing is that when we write how we feel, we write through our own eyes. Everyone battles addiction differently. My husband is exactly what you describe of your husband’s fears for you…and in the past it has cost us dearly. He’s a Hugh functioning alcoholic. He’s lost a couple jobs, but is always right back to another. He still drinks the equivalent of 6-8 drinks daily.
Background aside, just so you understand. My husband functions ok in public with strangers. His relationships with people who know him well are not good and so it leads to a lack of trust. Has your husband specifically mentioned any behaviors that make him think you will spend all the money? If you have been in recovery for some time, it’s ok to remind him that people can change. Your current behavior should speak for itself. The past is past unless you are dragging it forward with you. Substance addiction has a habit of trying to do that to people and that might be what he fears. Seak some counseling together, continue going to AA meetings for yourself, even if you don’t think you need it. Encourage him to maybe check out al-anon. Alcoholism is a family disease, but recovery is always for yourself first. You can’t be at your best for others if you aren’t caring for yourself. When you feel hopeless, find things that bring you joy that you can do instead if you are tempted to drink. Hopefully your husband will be willing to do his part also.
I truly appreciate your input!! Thank you!
…ack! Sorry for the typos!
I am not legally married but homeschool our kids and live in a monogamous relationship for 11 years. Most friends and neighbors think we are married legally as we call ourselves husband and wife.
I am Christian and believe in marriage, he does not, although he calls me wife. The kids think we are married.
Anyway, everything we have is in his name from cars to the house. I have no access to money or financial information. When I ask he says that’s not for me to worry about. I have two credit cards, one is emergency, that he pays off each month for gas, food, homeschool classes. I also have a monthly cash allowance that I “budget” for play money such as amusements as movies, zoo, and restaurants. I buy used items for myself such as clothing and books.
I ended up being without money deposited into my account on a trip to see my parents. It was not fun, to say the least. They paid for everything. He did not replenish the account at the beginning of the next month.
I took a plane home with children and had zero money. He told me to charge things if we needed food. This also happened abroad, but neither. Credit cards nor ATM card worked! I had no money for the kids and I to eat.
I told him this was abusive and he laughed at me like I was insane. He said he loves me and the children.
I wish we were married and I wish I were treated with respect.
Yolanda, that is definitely not right. Even though you’re not legally married, you do have rights to the money as his common law spouse. Is there a church mentor you can have sit down with you and tell him that it’s wrong what he’s doing? Or can you talk to a lawyer to see what your rights are? Because this is a dangerous situation.
I am so glad I found this post. My husband after 13 years let our bank account go and opened a new account only I hid name. When we were first together , I was making good money as a bartender and eventually promoted to a money room manager making a good salary. I had so many opportunities to advance but left it all to stay home with our two small children because of his work schedule, he owned a family business and was the breadwinner. This was back in2009. At the time we had joint accounts and never had an issue getting what I needed for myself or our kids. Fast forward four kids later, major ppd after my fourth that has all changed. He went from the most supportive spouse to the controlling type. My ppd got me into the planning community and from there launched a blog with self hosting. It’s hard because anytime I need money for anything it’s a fight. He closed our joint account and opened his own that I have no access to, I am trying to pursue my passion blogging and it’s hard when I finally get the card number and use it, he closes it and gets another so I can’t access it. I am home with four children and know I can do this. He doesn’t support me or give me money, it’s pulling teeth. Mind you he had a ton of money issues , forclosue, back taxes(50,000 if not more) I’m not perfect and spend here and there. I’ve got better since my ppd ( planning started as a coping mechanism. He was my best friend and could tell him anything but lately I’m afraid to tell him anything. While suffering ppd he was telling his family and mine I was on drugs and someone called child survices on me. I’m at a lose and feel alone, he tells me I’d never get our children if I left I also had excellent credit before I meat him now its shot. Again i am far from perfect but either was he. I feel like I resent him now. Is he aloud to do this in the in the state of Pa
Sorry, but after years of experience in this first hand, there are points I disagree on.
1. If your marriage lacks a common goal and mutual respect, combined income with unlimited access doesn’t work.
My husband religiously bounced the bank account. We combined for a whole because it’s what he wanted. He spent all the money and I had to do all the bills. He refused, and still refuses to take part in budgeting. Even though I lay out the budget and what bills are due when, he doesn’t regard them. He gets a weekly allowance of $70. I get none. He does side jobs and keeps all the money. My side money goes toward our bills. Anytime he wants something above his $70 a week, we talk about it. This has resulted in the last year of him getting more than $7,000 in power tools, a vehicle, and a dog. But he is still angry that he has to “ask.” The reason is that previously, we joined bills, and we had to separate them because he was out of control. We lost our apartment and we also separated for a while due to personal reasons. When we set boundaries and tried again, I continued paying all the debt we made in my name all on my own. Since he didn’t have it, he paid for the utilities and rent on a mobile home and I paid for everything else. It resulted in an eviction notice, he got his car repossessed (I didnt), his tv almost repossessed, and he almost lost his job because he borrowed money against it. I stupidly helped save it all except the car. But I helped him with a greenpath agreement to keep him out of collection. At that point, he asked me to take back the finances, but still refuses to participate other than to complain he never gets enough…but offers no solutions.
Now 2 years since that separation, he says he shouldn’t have to “ask” when he needs more than $275-350 a month, plus $100-400 in side money. Here I sit upset that he won’t contribute that side money as I do to go toward the debt I allowed hiim to make in my name. After all, when we were at the checkout counter, he ferverently agreed he would. Hah.
So no, I don’t think that it’s always bad for one person to have access. Although I do believe it’s rooted in one of two other issues. One being that one person just is not good with handling the money but agrees for it to be that way….or there’s other marital issues. In my case It’s both and my husband flip flops between the two on a daily basis and makes me crazy.
Now my husband almost never spends his and many, many months I don’t either! As I said we are both kinds of frugal. But I know that if I want something or to eat at a more expensive place with a friend, or just see a cute dish, I have the freedom to do so and live as a
I am glad i found this post,i am just new here in US like under 2 yrs and got married here last year. my husband controls all the money,i dont have any name in everything only his name and he dont give me money,he gave me a card that his card copy ..i get tired of him keep telling me i dont know anything yet about the law or rules here ,how the money works or card works,or anything that requires me to use the money..i just felt my situation became worst,because i was in middle east working till i married him and we have a kid i am taking care Till now..now that we live together here in US i cant get what i want ,i dont have allowance..he controls wverything even groceries..if i insist to buy something like i like but he dont like ,like veggies,it doesnt make him happy and never talk to me the whole day..and its difficult to me..anybody suggest what to do to help me fix my problem?
Hi Leah,
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! I can imagine how lonely and confusing it must be. What I’d really suggest is that you try to get into a group of friends or a community where you can meet people and find friends and then ask them to navigate the American laws with you. A great place is MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers). They have groups that meet in churches during the weekdays (so likely while your husband is at work). You can find a group near you here. You can also find a church near you that has a women’s Bible study during the week. Often they have childcare during the group. That’s a great way to meet other women, and then maybe some of them can help you figure out how to handle this? It isn’t right that you don’t have access to money.
You can also call the Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-877-988-5559 (because not giving you access to money is abuse). They can likely steer you towards some legal help.
Again, I’m sorry that you’re going through this!