What do you do if your husband controls the money–and you don’t have any spending money at all?
Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. This week we’re going to be delving into marriage and finances, and we’re starting off with this question from a stay-at-home mom whose husband won’t give her an “allowance”:
Reader Question
He works very hard, and though we don’t have a lot of disposable income, what we do have of it goes to his hobbies. I have asked in the past for an “allowance” so that I can pursue the things that I enjoy, but he has told me that we can’t budget for it. I understand it from a certain perspective because he is self-employed and our income varies from month to month; but on the other hand, when I have seen him put a certain amount towards his hobbies, I ask for a comparable amount, too, and he gets defensive.
Maybe that isn’t the best way to ask for some spending money, but every way I’ve tried seems a dead end. I think that if we are partners in life, money should be included in the partnership. We have been married just under 10 years, and I have tightened the belt on pursuing my own interests so that he can pursue his, and to avoid arguments. I know that, as a Christian, I am not entitled to anything, and anything I do have is by God’s generous provision, but I still feel our relationship is unbalanced in this area.
Oh, dear.
This question is one that instinctively sets off all kinds of alarm bells in my head. I’ve seen this dynamic too much in marriages around me of people that I love, and it is just plain wrong.
Let’s just look at a few things this reader has said:
- I have asked for an allowance
- He has told me we can’t budget for it
- I ask for a comparable amount
- Maybe this isn’t the best way to ask for some spending money
Do you see what the problem is here?
He controls the money, and she has to ask for it.
That is dangerous. That is wrong. That goes against the gospel.
When you are married, you become one flesh. Included in the old wedding vows were “all my worldly goods to thee I endow.” You’re now a single, economic entity. He does not own the money, and she does not own the money. The marriage covenant means that you own it together.
And yet in far too many marriages, he controls the finances and she doesn’t even have access to them.
If she has to ask for money, then I’m going to assume that she doesn’t have access to the bank accounts. I have seen so many couples where this is the case. He makes the money, so the money goes into a bank account that he controls, and that doesn’t even have her name on it. If she wants money, she has to ask for cash for groceries or for any other household needs.
Besides being very dangerous and foolhardy, since she would be in dire straits if anything ever happened to him, it sets up the marriage where he is above her. He makes the financial decisions, and then decides if he will listen to her input, and she has no way around it, because she does not have access to money.
Now, I believe that sometimes a spouse needs to be cut off from access to the main bank account if that spouse has broken trust and wracked up gambling debts or has credit card bills. Some spouses cannot be trusted with money, and need to take time to confront their addictions and prove that they are trustworthy to handle money.
But to set up a system from the beginning where they feel that the money is “his”, and he is doing her a favour by letting her have some of it, is just simply evil.
It is.
I know that sounds harsh. But we’re talking about a marriage here, where we are supposed to be one flesh. We aren’t talking about a master-servant relationship or a father-child relationship. We’re talking about a marriage. So what do we define as evil? Anything that goes against God’s plan. In this case, God’s plan is for two people to be one flesh–not for the one to be dependent on the other.
When the husband withholds finances, he becomes a “saviour” in a sense for the wife. She depends on him for everything. She has no money for food, transportation, clothes, or shelter without him. He becomes her benevolent dictator–he has all the power. That is against God’s plan. Therefore, I believe it is evil. For someone to believe that the money is more theirs than their spouse’s means that someone does not believe in the covenant of marriage as God intended. And that means that they are turning away from God. And when we do that–then, yes. It’s evil.
Denying your spouse access to money, and treating it like it’s “your” money instead of the family’s money, is just plain wrong.
I just want to say to this woman–you seem to feel guilty for wanting some money.
You said,
I know that, as a Christian, I am not entitled to anything, and anything I do have is by God’s generous provision, but I still feel our relationship is unbalanced in this area.
You sound like you’re trying to make excuses for feeling badly about this.
But it’s not that you’re being selfish. It’s that you’re sensing something is seriously off. That’s not selfishness. That’s good discernment!
(I just watched this Dave Ramsey video where he said something similar. It’s actually addressed to guys, but the point he makes is that marriages only do well when they set the finances TOGETHER. And in the very last minute of the video he calls the whole idea of a wife having an allowance ridiculous).
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So what would I do if my husband controlled the money?
I would first insist that I had a bank card and full access to the money. If he refused, then I would do what Matthew 18:15-17 says, and talk to someone in the church that we both respect and ask them to mediate. If he still refused, then I would take it to a pastor or elder (assuming that your pastor or elder does not believe that the husband should have full control over the money–which, again, is an evil doctrine).
After that, I would ask him, “can we sit down and make a budget together, because I want to make sure that we’re meeting our financial goals and that I’m being responsible with our money.”
And then I would make a budget (Dave Ramsey’s EveryDollar.com app is great for this!). And included in that budget would be spending money for both husband and wife. I’d suggest getting that money out in cash at the beginning of the month, so it’s understood that you each can do whatever you want with that amount of money. But if you want to spend more than that, then you have to consult the other, since it will have to come out of another item on the budget.
UPDATE: As Ashley pointed out so well in the comments, this may not always work because quite often a man controlling the money is simply financial abuse–and Matthew 18 does not work with abusive men. If you have tried to talk to him and tried this and he won’t budge, then you are in an abusive marriage. Please call an abuse hotline and talk to a lawyer and find out what your rights are. When you are married, all property is held in common. You have rights to that money. If he will not give any to you, then you really do need to treat it like abuse. I’m so sorry.
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If she has no spending money, then every dollar that he spends will create a conflict.
It’s just such a huge imbalance of power, and it will get ugly. She’ll feel resentment, even if she tries not to, because she’s being treated like a child when she’s an adult.
His marriage will be so much better if he treats her as an equal financial partner–which is what she is. They are a team, working together towards common goals.
Denying your spouse access to money, and treating it like it’s “your” money instead of the family’s money, is just plain wrong. I knew a man who have refused to divulge their family’s finances or the debt load. The wife had to legally separate just to get a court order demanding that he reveal the finances (the wife didn’t want to separate; she just did that to get access to the information, so that she could make a plan to take care of the kids, since he was overspending so badly.) If he had just let her in in the first place, none of that would have needed to happen.
Tomorrow I’ll be talking about why it’s important that a couple share finances, whether they both work or not, but today I just wanted to address this slightly different issue when the husband controls the money. Not okay. Ever. And it needs to stop.
Another Way to Look at It:
Have you ever been in a situation where you had no access to money? Or do you know friends in that situation? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
These sorts of situations make my blood boil. Truly. How awful.
My husband and I have had our share of financial stress, but one of the best things we ever did was (per Dave Ramsey’s advice) give *both* of us an “allowance”/”fun money” to spend on whatever we want every month, as long as it isn’t illegal or immoral. During very lean times, it might be $10 or even $5/month, but it is ours and it’s the same for each of us. The rest belongs to the household (with a portion for church and other charitable giving.)
My husband likes to spend his on craft beer and football tickets for him and his dad. That’s not what I would choose, but he probably wouldn’t choose books or a night out at a restaurant with friends, either. And that’s OK.
I know a few couples who maintain completely or mostly separate accounts, and I guess I don’t see why that would be wrong, necessarily, but at the very least it seems like a headache for accounting. Up until recently we both worked, and even then we always deposited into the main family account. We do a zero based budget, so seeing exactly what we have to work with, in one place, is really helpful.
Hi there!
I love Dave, too!
And I totally agree with the idea that each of you get a “fun” allowance. But that can only work when you’re budgeting together. I wish more people would listen to Dave; he really is very wise and God’s given him such great insight into how human beings operate!
We did that too. Both of us are frugal, but my husband is extreme.
So, we sat down and figured out how much we can afford to just blow on whatever. And that is the amount each of us can spend on whatever we want.
Now my husband almost never spends his and many, many months I don’t either! As, I said we are both kind of frugal. But I know that if I want something or to eat at a more expensive place with a friend, or just see a cute dish, I have the freedom to do so and live as a responsible adult.
My husband and I have been together for 27 yrs. Married for 24 of them. For the last 5 yrs. I have been a stay at home mom do to some issues that our kids were having.
When we first married we had combined finances. Both of us had access.
However, over the for the last 2 yrs I have been slowly, almost methodically squeezed out of having any access to bank account, knowing what he brings home. Let alone even what we get back from taxes. I use to do all things financial, he never wanted to be a part of it even though I always tried to make sure he was included. On payday he cashes his check and than he grocery shops. But I’m suppose to be the one that makes all meals.
If I ask him for money it seems that he will either push back at me about something he felt I haven’t either done or something. Or he will just say stop Nagging ‘. I’m frustrated, hurt and really feeling stuck.
If I didn’t love him really so much, it would be a no brainer. But, I continue too just deal with it.
Traci, that’s just not right, nor is it safe. If something were to happen to your husband, you’d have no access to anything. And this kind of behaviour is bordering on abusive. Can you get a counsellor or close friend to talk to him with you? Or can you insist that you go to the bank and change things? It really isn’t right, and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Back in the 1960s (so this was super rare then), both of my grandparents worked at professional jobs. My grandmother loved to go shopping. Like, a lot. A lot a lot. And she kept overdrawing their bank account and once they had their electricity cut off because the check bounced. My grandfather finally made her get her own checking account and put her paycheck in there; all of the household expenses came out of his account, and then she could spend hers freely without risking the electricity. My grandmother was a wonderful woman in a lot of ways, but not so much the budgeting and financing. That was the solution that came up that worked for them.
But that wasn’t a matter of control, for either of them. It was just an accommodation for their two very different personalities.
It also probably wouldn’t work for everyone.
I really feel for the woman you wrote about. 3 years ago I had an accident that broke my neck, and finished my working outside the home. I never had to depend on a man ever. During these last 3 years I have learned how selfish my husband truly is. He takes Mexico trips by himself, he eats dinner out by himself, and never takes me anywhere. He say’s he’s the one who make the money and pays for everything, I have a roof over my head and a car to drive, what more do I need. After all I live for free, when I tried to leave him once he told me that I owed him back rent of 80,000. dollars, which means he would see to it I get nothing. Like this lady I have no money, no friends, no family, and no place to go. Why do we put ourselves through this??? we don’t need them, I have found a way to figure this out so that I can have my own income. And yes it is purely evil to be treated like this, no matter what the situation is.
This article sounds similar to my life. Only I bought the home and 10 acres we live on when we weren’t together so it’s all in my name. But he lives here and does all wants to do like being lazy and doing nothing to help unless he’s bitching doing it. I’m disabled without any disability money right now. My husband is retired, disabled military . He gets a pretty good check every month but it’s put on a card which he only has one and it’s in his name.
I have to ask for any money I need. He gets it, but I have a couple horses, cats and dogs. They may cost about a hundred bucks a month to feed. I always have to ask if I want money. I’m sick of it! I want my own money so I can fix up the house and what have you..
I’d always been independent before I became disabled and had my own money. Is it unreasonable to ask we split the money after all the bills are paid? Or is that too much? I want to save money for us, you know build a nest egg.
I feel since I paid for the home so there’s no rent or mortgage, that he should at least split the money.
It’s like he doesn’t give me any credit for providing us a home that saves us a ton of money. To him, it’s like the home is just a free place to live.
Because of him,. it needs repairs because he’s hard on everything. The kitchen faucet is broken because he took it apart trying to save a few bucks, it’s been broken for almost a year!, He’s broken the bathroom faucet on his side of vanity . Thats been broken for at least anyr. He didn’t tell about it, I had to discover it.
He’s completely ruined the master bedroom carpet, marred up the walls in there because he sits in there and watches TV all day and night.
Honestly everything he touches gets broken. Now with me having no access to any money, the brand new 5 yr old home is getting ruined.
He hates work. Hates fixing anything. Now ever since I’ve been unemployed, disabled and have no money, I’m not happy. Would you want to even have sex with somebody that treats your house like that?as for the card, he allows me to use it when I have to go to the store. He once allowed me to know the pin number. I swear I’ve never taken any money off the card but one time I needed to and guess what? He had changed the pin! So I wouldn’t know it.
I’m fed up. It wasn’t like this before when we were both working and making good money, we had a joint account. This happened later. I’m the money saver. He’s the spender. So we never have any savings anymore in case of emergency.
Does this sound like abuse to any of you?
My son and mother say he’s verbally abusive and emotionally abusive to me but I guess I’ve gotten used to it.
But it must be affecting me some way because since I’ve started menopause a year ago, I don’t want him touching me. I don’t sleep in my ruined master anymore that used to be beautiful.
Hell I don’t know if this relationship can be repaired. But he wants to be married. Says I’m his wife but I certainly don’t feel one.
Just disgusted..
I’m glad I found this page but my story sounds most extreme. My husband claims to have PTSD but I think it’s worse, its called nuts!
Of course he wants to stay married! He’s only benefiting from the current situation, while you are suffering. Financial abuse is a very effective way of controlling another person and limiting their options.
Abuse is exerting power & control over the other. Your relationship seems abusive to me. Googling “Power and Control Wheel” might be helpful. It shows all the kinds of actions an abuser might use, including financial abuse and emotional abuse.
I have found the following books very helpful:
“Why Does He Do That?” By Lundy Bancroft
“Daily Wisdom For Why Dies He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft
“The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans
“The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” by Leslie Vernick”
Only the last one is Christian. I don’t agree with everything in any of the books, but they’ve all been helpful. I have found the Lundy Bancroft books the most helpful. He really gets what it’s like living with an abusive partner. He has over 16 years experience with abusers which gives him unique insight into how abusive men operate & he uses that insight to help their victims.
The Domestic Violence Hotline has helpful info on their website. And you can call their hotline anytime & also refer you to resources & support in your area.
My husband is the same way. He controls all the money. If I need money for feminine necessities he throws a huge tantrum and screams loud enough for the neighbors to hear. He works full time and when he gets paid, he cashes his check and puts it all in his wallet. He refuses to have a bank account. He keeps his wallet on him at all times. When he sleeps, he keeps it right next to him within reach. He buys the food and I have no say in what he buys. It has to be what he likes and if I cant eat it, oh well. He starves me. He doesnt eat much at home. He buys himself fast food when he is gone. I am left with pasta, water, margarine, sometimes white bread and sometimes peanut butter and if I am lucky, jelly. He only buys the generic brand at Walmart. I have rags for clothing because I have been wearing the same clothing (including underwear) for 8 years. I had to wear shoes with holes in them for over a year because he refused to buy me a pair. I only get a small check from Social Security each month and I have to pay the rent with it. I have no family and no one to help me. I am disabled and cant drive so I am stuck at home 24/7. I am 67 years old and these are my golden years? I would say not.
I can feel your pain. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I know how tough it could get when you have no one in life to support you or talk to. My life is similar as yours. My husband is self employed and I have been married to him for 15 years and since we got married up until now he never told me how much he makes. He have all his money to himself. I don’t have a bank account with him. My purse is always empty. By the way I am a stay home mom for 2 kids. He will put gas in the car for $5 every 3 to 4 day so I can drop of my daughter. I wear same clothes over and over because I don’t have any access to his money or he doesn’t give me any allowance to buy my needs. I have 1 shoe that has tape all around it because I have been using it for 4 years. He takes vacation trip all by himself. And when he lives for a trip he will give $200 for 2 to 3 months that money I will have to spend on bills, gas, food, kids, and all other expensive. I wish one day God listen to me and better my living. I have dreams too because I am a human being just like other people. I don’t want to be treated like this but I have no other choice. Oh yeah sometimes I don’t have anything to eat because he will eat out and bring food back for kids but not for me. If I ever wish to eat something that I like than I have to suffer 6 months to make that wish come through. I have to do extra work for him to get the food I love to eat. I just want to say people like you and me are also human we have feelings and emotions and if we’re taking care of kids and the house doesn’t mean we are slave.
Sara, this is financial abuse. This is WRONG. Please, call an abuse hotline in your area and find out what your options are and what you can do. This is evil, and sometimes it takes a legal separation to get access to the money, which you need to have for yourself and the children.
You don’t owe him jack, period! How dare he say that to you! Yes, he is an evil monster. You need to get yourself an attorney, ASAP. !!! He is an abuser!! If you have good credit, then you need to get yourself several good credit cards. Then you will have money and if he values his credit, he will pay on them.
My husband controls all the money also. Three years ago I had to use the credit card to pay bills because my husband did not want to pay certain bills with his business account that were actually business related. Every time I asked for money to pay the the bills he would get extremely mad. So, rather than have a confrontation I used the credit card. My husband came unglued when he went to make a huge purchase on the card and found out he couldn’t. As a result he opend up a bank account with only his name on it. Occassionaly he takes me grocery shopping every 2 months and gets very upset about the amount we spend on food. I watch 2 kids and am lucky enough to bring home about $100 a month. With this I am supposed to buy my groceries and anything else we may need. If I ask for anything throughout the week he makes me me feel awful. I know better than to ask for socks, underware or any clothing for that matter. Giving gifts during the holidays is out of the question not to mention asking for money for a turkey dinner at home. Last year we just watched tv. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. I just feel awful how I am being treated. My husband also tells me quite frequently how lucky I am to have to him. We have been married for 26 yrs. The last 15 he has forced me to give up $30,000 of my inheritance so he could pursue his dream of being a cow man. I always thought he would include me in this. Boy was i wrong.
Cindy, this is just wrong. Really wrong. And I would talk to a lawyer about how to protect your finances. Not because you’re necessarily going to divorce, but at least because you do need some safety. This simply isn’t right. Do you guys have a couple that he respects that you could ask to sit down and talk to you both and plead on your behalf, and tell him he’s being controlling and wrong? Sometimes bringing in a third party does help.
Im in the same boat! Email me to talk ! i haven’t said anything to anyone about what i live with everyday for the past 7 years and 3 kids later! 😔
I`m in the same situation. My husband don`t let me touch in any of his money!
So tonight I Googled “Am I entitled to any of my husband’s paycheck if I don’t work outside the home?” and I found this discussion which describes me as well. I don’t want to go too far off topic, but I’m so glad to hear that I’m not alone in this nightmare. My situation includes verbal, emotional, psychological, and financial abuse. Tonight I am feeling so upset and alone in my completely unbalanced marriage. I can’t even afford to retain an attorney that could protect me in a divorce. My husband has vowed to give me nothing if I leave, which he has made inevitable with his abuse, and infidelity. I won’t be able to support myself, and I dread the thought of a shelter. I have no family to help and no friends that could help either. I don’t know what I’ll do…
My husband makes me ask for money
I live separate as he will
L not take meds . his mother told me which he hid until I moved in with him as she named it the dark place. I was disabled from car accident lost my buisness etc. He says my medical bills are mine and will pay 0. I was paying student loan. Am trying desperation to get disability since 201. HELP
Hi Tammy,
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! That’s awful, and it’s not right. You need to contact an abused women’s helpline, who can point you to government services that you can access. They can also help you deal with the student loan. If your husband is dangerous and not taking his meds and you can’t be near him, then you have to find another way of supporting yourself, so please reach out. An abused women’s hotline should know who to call.
My husband has been controlling the money for the last 3 years and I can definitely tell you from my experience it is a heartbreaking and soul shattering to have to experience Financial abuse. Until he recently he controled all the money even doing our grocery shopping but now every week Im given enough money to cover diapers for a one-year-old and a two-year-old, wipes, and some groceries and honestly 90% of the time the money that he gives me doesn’t even cover all three of those items plus gas forthe week and I need the gas to get my special needs two-year-old to and from her 6 doctor’s appointments a month and still be able to buy her sensory exercise for the week that her occupational therapist suggests to help her grow and catch up. Over theyears I have begged and cried and screamed ive questioned God and even my existence here. This has hurt me in so many ways. Ive tried to hang on through the storm to explain to him how I feel. His only explanation is that he does what he wants. He had the check stubs emailed to him and passcode protected so I can’t even get his check stubs to apply for food stamps. My friends one specifically just gave us a Thanksgiving dinner she got from a church and my dad is always giving us food. I have started asking people for their left over yard sale items so I can clean them up and sell them, or i constantly search let go and offer up for free items i can clean up or maybe save and sell these items for a little money but 99 percent of the time he asks me for the money for gas to get to work….i give what i can so he doesnt get fired. I’m completely broken inside And o honestly have no idea what i should do. I see no life without him ive learned to be his room mate and i honestly do not want to raise two more children without their father. I have trust issues when it comes to leaving my children and severe anxiety. I am going to keep reading you articles in hope to find wisdom to help me through this. Christmas is coming up and my heart is broken that I may not have anything to give to my children but I’m sure things will be ok …..after all they are what keeps me hanging on. God knew what he was doing when he gave me these children that’s for sure.
Oh, Tamera, this is not safe! This is not right! This is simply EVIL.
Please, call the abuse hotline. Financial abuse is real, and if he is denying you money to get your children to doctor’s appointments, that’s wrong. Also, when you are married, all of your property is joint. That means that you have rights to “his” money, because it isn’t his money. If he isn’t letting you have any, then he is wrong.
I understand that you have trust issues, but please reach out to a good church or to a women’s shelter or something to get a community around you that can help you, because this is evil. And it sounds like you may need some help with the anxiety, too, but much of that may simply be a natural reaction to an abusive situation. I’ll say a prayer for you!
I am married to a millionnaire who will not pay anything for my benefit and to survive I am forced to spend every dime of small social security check. He has everything out in his son and daughter in law name even his checking accounts are payable upon death to them. I have furnished the house he has made to them when he dies. What can I do? I wait on Him hand and foot. Laundry. Cooking. Cleaning and his kids will not help when he is sick. He broke his hip aņd I was not married to him and I had to tend to him. Use my car to go and come to his therapy. I felt sorry for him not knowing how he is.
Bonnie, I’m sorry. It sounds like you should get some legal advice about what to do. And it is your choice whether to do all the laundry and the cooking. You do have the choice to draw some boundaries. I’d really recommend reading about that and seeking some advice!
I googled this subject because I have been in this situation for years. I don’t even feel like a human being. I feel like a dog. I was asked to stay home with our children. I was in commercial banking for 15 years, so I am competent. I feel so helpless. I am allowed a check for the grocery store. I don’t know what makes people think they are God and can steal your God-given rights as a human being. He is the president of a company. He has made me an irrelevant and worthless.
Oh, Kelly, you don’t have to put up with this. You can say, “I contribute to this family, and so I must have access to the family money.” I really encourage you to reach out to a licensed counselor to talk about how to draw good boundaries, or look at my book 9 Thoughts that Can Change your Marriage or Boundaries in Marriage. This isn’t right.
My husband does this. As a matter of fact yesterday he “hid” his wallet so I couldn’t get my grandkids biscuits for breakfast. I forever hear, “I’ve got to pay a housenote.” Which is another situation because he went 8 months and did not pay a house note so we had to file chapter 13 to keep our home. I take my kids to school, work, I have my grandkids alot. But unless my grown kids give me money, I Never have a dollar. Recently his Mother was in the hospital, he was working so I sat up there for two days, again without money to get a coke.
That really isn’t safe, Myrna, and it’s not right. I’d suggest calling an abuse hotline and asking about your rights, or reading the book Boundaries in Marriage (you may be able to find it in a library). And learn how to say, “If you are not willing to treat me like a partner and like your wife, then I can’t give you the benefits of being my husband.”
Just wanted to comment to echo that this is NOT ok. It took a couple of years of marriage before my husband and I got on the same financial page (thanks, Dave Ramsey!). We’ve been married almost 11 years now, and our money is our money, no matter who earns it. We both control the budget, and we agree on all the money spent.
Please don’t feel bad about pushing for your right to access your family’s finances! This is SO important for the health of your marriage and for your own happiness as well.
Thank you, Emily!
I am glad you are addressing this important issue. I am a certified abuse victim advocate and I personally would call this financial abuse.
Matthew 18 does not work in abuse situations. I would highly recommend that this woman contact an abuse victim advocate in her area. This is dangerous and we can’t trust her church or Christian friends to handle this properly if they are not trained in domestic violence response. Finacial abuse is usually paired with other types of abuse (or setting up the scene for more abuse). This woman needs a professional counselor and not the same one her husband should be seeing lest he try triangulation on the therapist.
Hi Ashley,
I totally agree with you that Matthew 18 doesn’t work in all these situations–and I really should have mentioned that, so thank you very much.
My only concern is that I have known many women in these situations where the husbands are not actually trying to deliberately control or abuse–they just don’t realize that what they’re doing is wrong. I think that in many cases it IS abuse, but in others, I just think the motivation of the husband has to be taken into account. I have known people with relatively good marriages, for instance, where this was the only issue, and where the guy, once he realized he was wrong, did change.
I just don’t want to assume that this particular letter writer’s husband won’t listen to correction. It may very well be the case; but I don’t want to assume.
But I also want to echo what you’re saying (and I’ll actually add an update to the post) and say that if you are in this situation, it may be that you really need to contact an abuse advocate and a lawyer to know your rights and your options.
Thank you!
Thank you, Shelia!
I would agree with some of the comments posted on FB, this woman’s letter is putting up LOTS of red flags for emotional abuse. She already asked and he didn’t listen. I I really think there is a high chance of emotional abuse going on here. Abuse is about power and control so any form of intentional control of an adult is going to be on the abuse scale.
I really appreciate you bring up this important topic. Thank you!!
This is a 24/7 Confidential Hotline for those in abusive relationships to call for advice and support: 1. 888-947-7273
Thank you for that number!
Yes, there really are a lot of red flags here.
I think when a person wants to have total access to money, and doesn’t want to give the other access, then they have an urge to control, which is dangerous. I have known guys who have done this because they thought it was part of “being a man”, but they have come around. But most people who would start out this way are trying to control, and it’s not right.
What really bothered me about the letter, too, was how badly she felt about just wanting a little bit of money. She’s feeling guilty for needing something that she needs! It’s okay to have needs, everybody. And money is a need. And it’s okay to want to have the ability to make decisions like an adult, because you are an adult.
My husband cut me off of all the finances and also cut my cable off to my tv in my bedroom and now he’s talking about taking my car next month and returning his newer truck back to the dealer ship what am I going to do.
I’m so sorry you’re going through that, Donna! I would recommend talking to him and drawing some boundaries. You are an adult, you are an equal partner in the marriage, and he needs to treat you that way. If he won’t, and he continues to withhold money, you can get people involved. Recognize that you have legal right to your finances, and don’t be afraid to get someone involved who could help. Other than that, there are lots of helpful suggestions on this blog for what to do if you’re in an emotionally abusive marriage, what to do if your husband won’t share finances, and the like. There’s a search bar at the top of the page, so I’d recommend you looking up some of those articles, too!
I started searching this morning on this subject and stumbled on this site. I’m glad I did.
As you said, some aren’t like a lot of these that are obviously abusive.
My husband’s and I are best friends and have pretty much everything in common. We recently went through a 2 month separation and the account was divided. When we reconciled, the bank accounts remained divided. He works hard and pays the bills. That was my job before I left him. He was adamant that we are back on a joint account. I finally gave in because I thought I was going to be put back in charge of making sure the bills get paid. Well, the new joint account is a joke. He opened it with $25 and now has a balance of .04. I have to ask him every other day or so to pick something up for the home when he’s on break. Now, I have so much built up anger and resentment, I can’t even think straight. I don’t want to have sex with him and he’s going to blow up soon if I don’t. I’m too angry at him. I feel like a child. I’m 50 years old! I never spend money foolishly. Not ever. He does though. He’s a shopper on his free time. Always making deals and getting things that aren’t absolutely necessary at that very moment. But, before, when I would get the household items, he’d always show stress saying we are broke and have to be careful of the spending. WHAT???!!!! I never get to just stop at a store or take my grandson for a happy meal. This anger is going to be the death of me. I don’t care to discuss things with him because I’m not going to “beg” him for something like money or anything else. I just refuse to argue. On every other issue, it’s great. I don’t want a divorce. I just want equality. I want to be an adult again. I want to be a part of this marriage… and sex, cooking, raising my grandson, doing laundry, cleaning is NOT the only thing i am capable of. For years, I was an accountant. I’m very aware of how to manage finances. I feel so unequal… :'( and I don’t know how to handle this.
Lawanda, that’s so hard! Have you said these things to him?
It sounds like what you guys need is a budget, where you each have access to the bank accounts, but you each also decide where the money goes each month. That can stop a lot of the fighting. Have you ever looked at Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University? Maybe your husband would be willing to work through that with you. Then you can make a budget together. But I think you need to let your husband know how upset you are about this. It is important.
My husband is a millionaire and retired early. He golfs or goes to the track all day and I work. We’ve been married 5 years, together 10. I’ve got 20 k in student loans and 6k in credit card debt. He won’t join the country club where I could golf whenever I wanted And play tennis and do fun things. Even though it’s well within our budget. He totally controls all the money. He said I should pay my own student loans even though we have plenty to pay them. And I should pay the credit card even though half of it is for furniture for the house. He gets mad st my grocery spending even though we don’t even spend any where near our monthly budget. If I go to dinner alone it comes out of my paycheck.
This is my situation exactly! My husband IS a good Christian man, but he is seriously wrong about this situation. If he doesn’t get something I need at the grocery store (I have a medically necessary special diet) then I just have to go without that item. I have to ASK for my prescriptions to be picked up, I have to ASK for money when I know I’ll be taking our child to the doctor, I have to ASK for my cell phone bill to be paid (we don’t have a home phone),etc. And sometimes the answer is no. You can forget “spending money” when I don’t even have enough to run the household. It’s so frustrating.
That is absolutely TERRIBLE. I’m so sorry. I really do think this needs to be addressed. Legally, all of your possessions in your marriage are SHARED possessions, so you should be sharing money. If he isn’t, then he is wrong, just like you said. This isn’t something that you can just put up with. It’s affecting your health and your family’s well-being (with the groceries, for instance). It’s also very, very dangerous. If something were to happen (like he was in a car accident) you WOULD NOT have any access to funds.
Please, sit down and tell him that this will no longer be tolerated, and it is a must-have for you. Bring in a Christian mentor couple if you have to. And if that doesn’t work, then I would say that this qualifies as abuse, and you need to seek out an abuse counsellor to find out what your options are.
But it is NOT okay, and I pray that God will change your husband’s heart.
My husband and I have separate accounts. Well my name is on his but his isn’t on mine. The reason for that being I came into our relationship with more financial debt than he did. I was still paying back to school loans and some credit cards so I thought it would be a good idea to keep that area of our life separate.
Up until till his mother could no longer handle the finances as the utilities were then in her name, I would just write her a check at the end of the month for the total of the utility bills. Now that they are all in my husbands name I do the same for him. I write him one big check at the end of the month for my part of the utilities and mortgage payments and insurance payments.
It seems to work ok for us.
I’m curious, though, Kelly–how do you then do big picture things like saving for a new car or saving for retirement? I’m talking about this one tomorrow, because like Dave Ramsey also says, it’s much easier to pay off those debts when both of you attack them together. It makes no sense, for instance, for one spouse to have a lot of spending money while the other one scrimps and saves to pay off old debt, when if both of you just scrimped and saved it could be paid off quicker and then you could get on with living your life together.
Obviously every couple has to make their own decisions, but I just wonder about how long-term financial goals are planned for then? I’ve never really figured that out!
I have a Pension plan thru my employer(that I contribute almost 10% of my bi-weekly pay and my employer matches it). He is laid off. He HAD a company funded pension at his last employer but since it’s unlikely he will ever be re-employed by his company, that’s gone. He has an IRA through our credit union, funded with monies from past employers.
We finance vehicles. Not smart but it’s how we do things. Since both of us work outside the home, we have to have two vehicles. My last vehicle, I had for over 12 years…replaced the tranny once. Here in Ohio, we don’t have to get our vehicles inspected yearly…and we live in a county that also doesn’t require emissions inspections. But my husband and I maintain our vehicles very well.
If it were up to him, he doesn’t see the need for certain things…like contact lenses for our 12/almost 13 yr old son. While I agree that right now our son doesn’t need them as he isn’t responsible enough, he might want them when he goes to high school in two years. I’ve worn glasses my whole life. My son inherited my bad vision. My husband had perfect vision until he got in his mid 40’s. I got made fun of for having glasses. Boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses…and WORSE! I told him that if HE had worn glasses from an early age like myself and our son, then MAYBE he’d understand why and how contacts are important. Plus our son plays sports..we have to buy him an extra pair of sport goggles so he doesn’t break his everyday pair of glasses.
Just like my husband doesn’t think our son needs braces. He didn’t need them so nobody needs them. I got braces when I was a 12th grader(Senior year of high school here in the US). That was after having 6 teeth extracted(including all 4 of my wisdom teeth), wearing a special retainer for a year to stretch my top jaw and then getting two more teeth removed once I had braces on to make room for the teeth to straighten out. I see a need for braces in our son. He’s got a couple of very crooked teeth on top. those won’t get straight unless he gets braces. He likely won’t need the extensive work I had to have done and my insurance covers orthodontics.
Right now…since my husband is unemployed for over a year now, the only goal for him is to find a decent job.
My husband and I have been married for just over two years. We had a baby last month, and we separated last month (I see it as his choice, he has told me it was my decision). He is self employed and is gone most of the time, working very hard to pay the bills. He is a truck driver with his own business and equipment, and those bills are a lot. I worked at odd jobs before the baby came, and took care of the little bills and incidentals and stuff for me. He pays our “mortgage” and the payment on our car, and grumbles about that. I haven’t had access to his account for a while now, and I really do and have always felt guilty for needing money. I also feel that it is wrong to have to ask for money. But I don’t think money is our big issue, sadly it is just one of the many issues that seems to be sinking our marriage right now. I do appreciate what Sheila is saying in this article, thank you Sheila!
You’re so welcome! And that is just AWFUL that you feel guilty for needing money after you just had his baby. That shows that there is something wrong with the way that you both see your relationship, because the money should be both of yours. Not just his. I’m sorry about your separation, and I hope that you have people around you to support you during this really difficult time!
You wonder how this ever started for this couple? This is sad. You speak of being treated like a child, but I would not even treat a child like that. Most parents would not just only buy stuff they liked and never buy things to please their child too.
It seems there are things so much deeper than money here I pray that her husband can really have a changed heart and have a right heart attitude as a person and husband. Because I fear that resolving the money issue won’t resolve what is going on in his heart.
That’s true, actually, TBG. We always gave our kids an allowance! And they always had access to money to do fun stuff. So scary, eh?
This sounds a lot (despite me trying to explain how wrong it is) like my brothers attitudes. One says that if he’s the one working its his money and she has no right to it (even though he wants her to stay at home, homeschooling wife) He’ll provide for her but its his money….the other is a little better he agrees that they each need an allowance but he should get more cause “he’d much prefer to just stay home”. Thankfully neither is married yet. What’s even more insulting when they get into one of their moods about stay at home having no right to the money is our mom was a hard working stay at home mom. When we point this out to them they of course say “oh, not you mom.”
Dreaming of being a wife/stay at home mom, their opinions can be really disheartening (I don’t want to feel like an employee/burden when I’m married and working hard to run a home, not just a house~if that makes sense) so reading this is very encouraging.
I’m glad I could encourage you! And if and when your brothers ever start dating, I would DEFINITELY bring this up with their girlfriends so they can get this sorted out before they get married! It’s such a wrong attitude. And really, really scary. We live in such an entitled society–what’s mine is mine–that people really aren’t able to see beyond themselves anymore into the idea of responsibility, that we’re a family together and I have a responsibility there.
This goes right along with what the other Ashley said. When a husband has this much financial power over the wife, he can easily use it to punish her when he’s upset with her. Let’s say one week they’re getting along great, he likes her meals, and the house is clean. He gives her money. The next week she gets her period, no sex, she has migraines and doesn’t clean as much, and dinner is more simple. No money for her that week. Ugh! Evil is the right word, Sheila!
So true! And it’s just a really, really, really bad dynamic even if it does it with the best of intentions (I want to care for my family). It still means that he has control, which means that he doesn’t think of her as a partner. And that’s really bad.
This is what mine does. He punishes me by taking my internet connection, by threatening to get rid of my pets, and he often tells me when I should go out and what time to go to bed by. Also controla what I eat, shames me and my friends and family for anything “processed” and “unhealthy”….like crackers or pierogies…I rarely ever have McDonalds even if I can
Also, he says “how are you going to support yourself when your money runs out”. And “stop wasting time, go get a job”. Now he’s impregnated me and I’m not feeling so sure about my life anymore. He’s supposed to be “Christian” but he has “no time” to read his Bible or “no money” to get help for his paranoid attitude.
He also makes it all about “duty” and “it’s your job to cook”. He also brags about working….as if that’s special.
I’m stupid for marrying because he was already like this before we got married….he even told me what to dress in during dating. Maybe if my female friends had been in my life more, I’d not have allowed myself to be emotionally attached so easily. I barely have any real friends, barely ever see my friends because they were living out of town or too busy.
Even my woman group leader after leaving our church stopped checking in with me… nobody ever texts just to see how I am :(. I’ve grown up feeling like a ghost…and sometimes figure no one would notice if I died. I’m a quick person but it’s no reason or forget I exist.
[Ed. Note: Some graphic language has been removed.]
This is my life right now(and Mabey always was but didn’t realize it till I stared looking outside -into our relishonship and what I truly wanted in a man to be happy and secure)-I’m 37-been together for 23 years-2 boys 11- and 17–he will give me money -like 25$ for the day here and there-which is actually like 5$ nowadays—then when I explode-none.hes an idiot in this aspect-I’ve worked all our lives as a server bartender-my job closed for good recently-starting a new one soon-but invetween this-seeing how much I have to EARN his financial support has made me realize”yeah-I’ll work-but only to save money to get independent so no man can ever belittle me again like I’m some undeserving wife.screw this ladies-we cook clean,raise kids and be bored and lonely in life to have some little boy of a man make ya feel like we aren’t overly awesome to have in their lives?-ide rather eventually be in my own and if I have a rainy “broke day-it’s going to be because as a single mother and women-I’m broke-not because some pig wants to control money that’s there-just I can’t have it.what this will do to someone being treated like this is also Dangerous!!!im getting out within 8 months here befor I become crazy!ghank you for reviewing!!
Dw and I have handled this several ways. Early in our marriage, I allowed her to handle the money, as I was working quite a lot of hours(seven children are expensive), and she was at home. She asked me to take over handling our finances after an incident where she lost some money for a deposit in the bank. Now I handle all the finances, even though I keep her informed of what’s going on with our finances. She does receive an allowance, although it has varied at different times. I do not take one for myself. Her biggest complaint over money, is that I never buy anything for myself. Most of the time all she wants to know is that he bills are being paid. I try to keep her informed on how I do our budget, but I fear if something happens to me one f my sons, might have to help her manage the finances, at east at first.
Hi there! Yes, it really is absolutely necessary for both of you to know where all the bills are, how much you owe, where the insurance is, and how to access all of this stuff. I know my husband does our finances now (I used to), because he enjoys it more and I don’t really want to. But having someone doing the finances isn’t the same as not giving someone access. I know where all the money is, and I can get it any time, and we talk together about our savings/giving goals. If your wife just isn’t interested, I would still take her and show her where all the files are, and even schedule an appointment every month where you talk about the budget and where you’re coming with your savings and debt goals, even if it’s just 10 minutes long. We really do have to share this stuff!
My dad has most of the bills automated now and my mom despises computers and cannot use them, so my dad made a spreadsheet of all their bills and account logins, his retirement information, and other stuff, and printed off a hard-copy for Mom and sent the XLS to me and my brother. Just in case anything ever happens to him, we can make sure Mom knows how to get to everything (and she’s able to access the accounts and go back to paper billing or call support).
THAT is very smart! 🙂
As a man, this makes me very angry as this jerk of a husband. I’m fearful that this women could be left with nothing if the husband decided to leave her or never disclose the amount of money he has.
Based on my divorce, I believe that if the husbands is the sole name on the bank accounts (not a joint account), the wife would has no legal right to the money. Before determining what to do in the future, I would suggest the lady hire a lawyer (not sure how she would pay for the lawyer) to legally require the husband to disclose the amount of money that is in all of the accounts.
I’m so sorry that this is happening to this lady and this reflects NOTHING of what a Christian husband should do.
Thanks for your empathy!
As far as I understand (though I’m Canadian so my experience may not be the same) you can only be compelled to disclose financial assets as part of a separation agreement. So she can’t go down to the bank and demand access to his accounts. She would have to start separation proceedings.
However, on separation or divorce, all assets would be considered joint, unless there was some pre-nuptial agreement or stipulations in a will for an inheritance received, for instance. So even though she can’t have it now, it would be considered joint in the divorce.
I just pray it doesn’t come to that, and I pray that some true Christian men will come alongside this guy and tell him that he’s being a jerk and he needs to stop it.
It’s different state-by-state, but many states are community property, meaning everything is equal unless there’s a prenup. Some states, however, do have it that only assets that are held jointly are joint property, and if anything (like a house title or a bank account) has only one name on it, it belongs to that one person. Interesting, though, that only matters for where the divorce papers are filed, not for their legal residence or the location of the property. It’s why a lot of celebrities file for divorce in California even if it’s not their full-time residence; it’s a community property state.
Reading this has my stomach in knots! I think it’s ridiculous for a woman to have to ask her husband for permission to have access to THEIR money. He is not loving his wife as Christ loved the church. Somehow, I just cannot see Jesus indulging Himself while His bride goes without. In our household, up husband asks me to manage the budget. But we work on it together as a TEAM. I don’t put either of our wants above the other person’s. We pay our bills first, and anything leftover goes to savings, spending, and giving. We are a one income family right now, he works while I stay home with the kids. But my husband would never dream about withholding money from me, as he knows I’m completely dependent on him for income. It’s completely selfish for this woman’s husband to spend all this money on himself but can’t even spare a few bucks for her to go shopping or start a new hobby! Jesus laid his life down for the church…what the husband is doing to his wife in this situation is not a reflection of Christ. I really hope the wife can get help and that the husband’s eyes will be opened…that he will see his behavior isn’t godly or loving, and that he would have a change of heart.
So true, Nicole! It makes me so sad too.
Also, even though she isn’t earning money, she is still working by raising their children and homeschooling them, saving her husband money. I’m also assuming she does housework, cooking, and making appointments. She’s doing just as much work as he is, so she’s entitled to at least some of “his” money. If she weren’t staying home, he’d be having to pay for childcare and who knows what else!
Yep. But even this discussion makes me uneasy, because if we’re saying, “she’s working, too, just with the kids”, then in a way we’re giving credence to the argument that you should only get the money you work for (I’m not saying that that’s what you believe, only that I think there’s something bigger at stake).
It doesn’t matter who is doing what work; when you are married, everything is YOURS TOGETHER. There is never a “his” or “hers”. I totally agree that she is adding economic value, but I would just still say that we need to step back from that altogether and get back to the idea that we are a team and we should share, just like you said. So very, very sad.
We have been married 30 years. The first 5 were really good. He is a good man. Once children came, we had more struggles and weren’t as close, more fighting etc. Then we hit a major wall. He made a financial decision that I totally disagreed with. We fought a lot until he stopped talking to me. He said that he didn’t want to talk anymore because he didn’t want to fight anymore. Fortunately both of us were committed to the marriage and neither thought of leaving even if we were miserable. I was homeschooling and we were on one income. This time of him not talking to me (except about logistics) and almost no intimacy lasted almost two years. During this time he did things that you would call abusive. I am pretty secure in the Lord and in myself, so I chose to love him and ignore the rest. After all I was in the right Biblically and I truly believed that I didn’t NEED him except to pay the bills. He held the purse strings and gave me $100 per week from which i was expected to buy groceries, paper goods, and any other needs like clothes or whatever. He had a stash of coins on the desk where he would empty his pockets. I used that sometimes until he started keeping it in his truck. He would check the receipts when I got home, etc. All of this was untypical behavior for him. I wasn’t happy but I just prayed. When friends and even our children noticed he was grumpy etc. I told them that he was just going through something. As time went on I found out that I really did NEED him. The marriage covenant is truly spiritual, physical and emotional. I was pretty much shining him on. I was kind to him but ignoring the negative. But after such a long time, I noticed when I would think of him or someone would mention him I would tear up. These emotions surprised me. I was experiencing rejection and I couldn’t ignore that fact. I had enough and turned up the prayers and fasted. The Lord restored our marriage. I started putting my hand on him and praying (whether he liked it or not :)) Hubby heard my true heart and started coming around and talking, being intimate again. I would say full restoration took another 2 years, but today we are better than in the beginning! Truly a team in all things including finances.
All of this to say that even though he was doing “abusive” things, he is not an abusive man. Satan just got hold of him and ran him through the ringer. It was temporary. After he came out of that time people started noticing the difference in him; how he was once again attentive to me etc.
Thank you for your testimony Sandy, I love your last paragraph!
“…so I chose to love him and ignore the rest. After all I was in the right Biblically…”
A: Even if you’re right, the “I’m right, you’re wrong” attitude doesn’t generally lead anywhere happy. Better to communicate and/or take action.
B: Ignoring problems generally doesn’t solve them in any kind of healthy way. And it also isn’t a Biblical method of dealing with any serious issue. (It’s good for dealing with annoyances and the like, not with serious marital problems, character defects, etc.)
I’m happy things seemed to have settles more positively for you in the end, but I think that is the exception, not the rule, and certainly not a method to recommend to other women in the situation like the original Question of the Week writer’s case.
Kindness, yes, always. Prayer? Also yes. Ignoring the problem for two years (and the comment leaves me wondering if it was ever really resolved?) NO! Please don’t do that! You have other options, BIBLICALLY SOUND options. Ignoring a situation (or simply trying to pray it away) isn’t the healthiest way nor is it the Biblical method for dealing with conflict. Sheila has LOTS of great thoughts on dealing with conflict, abuse, etc if you need more advise!
It honestly shocks me that in 2017 there are women who still put up with this nonsense, and even believe it’s what God wants. The Proverbs 31 woman went out a bought field, for heaven’s sake; she had access to the money to make a business decision that affected them both. THAT’s what’s biblical.
Thanks for speaking up, Sheila!
Amen!
In my marriage, I handle all the finances. It is part of my ‘job’. I have tried to get my husband involved in the budgeting process, but he doesn’t really understand, and he doesn’t want to know. As long as the bills are paid and he gets some ‘fun money’, he is happy. There are moments when he asks if he can buy something, and I have to say no (although it’s more ‘not this month’, and then I try to fit it in the next months budget). All of the accounts are in my name bar one, as we live remote and he doesn’t get to town very often, so I’m the one who does all the errands etc. He doesn’t do online banking, phone banking, PayPal or online shopping. I have tried to teach him this stuff, but he doesn’t want to learn it. I do sometimes worry about what would happen if something happened to me, but at the moment it would be OK, because his mother would sort it all out. I’m not sure what will/would happen when his mother is no longer capable of taking care of finances. I guess he will have to learn at some point.
I try. I try to involve him in the budgeting and financial decisions, but he doesn’t want to know. He would prefer to ask for money for things and not have access to the accounts, than have the responsibility of being involved in the decision making.
This has been hard in the past, when I have had to make difficult financial decisions basically on my own, but it’s gotten a lot easier since I’ve gotten onto Dave Ramsey’s plan and have been using the everydollar budgeting program, now, I don’t just have to say no, I can show him my thought process to get to that no, and can put it into the budget for next month.
Having said all that, it is definitely wrong for one spouse to withhold money and information about the finances, and it’s wrong for the money to be seen as ‘his’ instead of ‘ours’, just because one spouse ‘earns’ it.
How is the situation handled when one partner isn’t a Christian? This is one of many issues that are adding weight to the camel’s back. My husband is adamantly against Christianity. (Another time for that one). And a spender.
Yes. I have struggled how to deal with the issue of tithing. I tried just giving 10% of ‘my’ earned income, but that was met with resistance, so currently I don’t tithe. I would love some advice in this area!
I would guess it’s not about being Christian, but the national/state laws. It’s about being legally entitled to the finances you share.
I have been happily married for almost 19 years, but my husband and I had money issues similar to this the first few years of our marriage. Our 16 year old son is Autistic, so I’ve been a stay-at-home mom for the majority of our marriage. Not long after our son was born, I mentioned that I needed money to buy something. I’m not a very good “submissive” wife (per my mother-in-law), so I’ve never “asked permission” for anything. He said we didn’t have the money to afford whatever it was that I thought I needed at that time, yet “WE” had just bought “HIM” a new computer ~ spending $1,500+. I didn’t take to that kindly!!! Later that week, I brought him “MY BILL”. I told him if he wasn’t going to treat me like an equal partner, he was going to pay me like I was an employee ~ I researched what a live-in Nanny and Housekeeper/Cook would cost him. Needless to say, it was cheaper for him to just “give” me the money I said I needed.
I have a different situation in that my husband and I have a joint checking account, but I am the one who makes a steady income. My husband has either been unemployed for years (no unemployment income either) or else working part time and claiming they are not paying him. I don’t see a dime of income from him. My problem is-even though I make enough money for us to live on, my husband makes all that money disappear. He’ll say “I had to make a payment”. I am very frugal and do without everything I want or need and keep a close watch on the bank to plan and pay the bills. I always tell my husband what bills I am paying or coming up and how much is in there, but he just goes and gets the money out anyway without telling me or seeing what checks I have already written. I am constantly stressed about it and check the bank account daily so that we don’t bounce a check. I’ve tried to make HIM pay our bills-but they just don’t get paid and then we’d be worse off. When we got married, I had a large savings account and my husband had none. Since I believe spouses should share everything-including the finances, I of course put his name on the accounts and all my credit cards. He told me he wasn’t good with finances and asked that I take care of the bill paying. I didn’t know at the time what a struggle that would be. He was great for a few years until he graduated from college and got his first job. He spent way more than he made and put huge bills on my “our” credit cards (without telling me-it was always a horrid “surprise” when the bill showed up) which I struggled for years to pay off. He then drained my savings account down to hardly anything and last year I finally got up the nerve to move the last bit into a different bank-in my name only. I also removed his name from most of my credit cards, or closed them. I had perfect credit previously so I new he was wrecking that. I feel broken and failed because we can NOT make our financial “oneness” to work. Other than money issues, my husband is not at all hard to live with-he is kind and gentle and intelligent. I enjoy being with him but I can NOT get him to communicate about money and I don’t know what to do. I have struggled with just completely cutting him off financially and opening my own bank account but do I give him an allowance or half or none or what? We do need counseling-but of course there is no money to do it. No one understands why I ever say “we have no money to do___” when we both are working. We really don’t! Our accounts are constantly empty. We don’t have cable, cell phones, eat out, shopping, no hair salons, nothing to “cut back on”-I’ve cut everything possible years ago. We have a church family, but I struggle to think about telling anyone about this because my husband is so highly thought of at church. We are both believers and I only want to be a good wife in a Godly marriage. I never thought we’d turn out like this. We’ve been married for 13 years-no children and no money to have them. I scream alone on the inside.
Hi Faith,
I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this–and I do believe that this is VERY SERIOUS.
It sounds as if you’re not able to get ahead at all, and some super important things in life–like having children–are off of the table simply because your husband is irresponsible with money.
This isn’t okay.
Your husband is sinning. He is spending more than he has, and he is lying, and he is not being responsible.
You need to build some firm boundaries and start addressing his spending addiction. It will not magically get better on its own. The only way things will get better is if you start saying, “I will no longer tolerate this, and we need to get help.”
You need to decide–am I willing to live like this for the rest of my life, never having kids, never getting to do anything that I want or feel financially secure?
And if this is not the life that you want, then you really need to speak up. I think it’s great that you want a godly marriage–but then you may have to go out and build some boundaries so that you get one, because what you have right now is not a godly marriage. But by changing how you act, and by making sure that you’re not enabling him to be irresponsible, then you can have that godly marriage. But it will take talking to some people about the situation and recruiting their help. It will take talking to someone in your church who is wise about finances and asking them to sit down with you. It will take cutting up the credit cards and telling your husband that he no longer has access to all of the money and that he is on an allowance that you both decide on as you budget together. And it will take going to a cash system rather than credit cards so that he can’t spend indiscriminantly. And none of that will happen unless you recruit help.
I really hope you do, because this is heartbreaking. Thirteen years of this? You really need to do something! I’d encourage you to read two books–The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey and my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, which maybe will help you see having a godly marriage a little bit differently. Prayers for you today!
Thank you for your advise and prayers today. After trying for so long to deal with things on my own, I’ve just become numb about the situation. I love my husband and always want others to think well of him so it’s hard for me to say anything negative to others and I keep everything locked into my head. Perhaps, telling my story to you has given me more courage to share with someone at church now. I know it is needed. Thank you for all you do. I really appreciate your blog.
I’m so glad, Faith! I’ll pray that you will have the courage to do what you need to do.
{{hugs}} Faith, in some ways, I have a similar background. I had a large savings and no debt when I married my husband and he had no savings and some debt (could have been worse, but not great). He likes to spend, but not enough to hurt us too too much, mainly just keeping us from saving anything like I did when I was single. But my husband has a drinking problem, and I have to admit that the possibility of him spiraling into more drinking or more spending is a real one. If that should occur, I honestly already have plans to separate our finances almost instantly. This wouldn’t be to shame him — it would be to protect our life together for when he is better.
(I’m a planner. I make back-up plans and to-do lists and contingencies for everything. It makes me feel better to know that if something big went wrong, I would have a safety net.)
Your husband is making his own choices; that is not on you. You do not own that and you are not responsible for it. If, after prayer, you would be better off separating your accounts temporarily *until he overcomes this*, that is not a bad thing. You are not a bad person or a bad wife or a bad Christian for contemplating that. You are taking care of your household until your husband is better. If you decide to keep the finances together, that is okay, too. Remember that you are making this choice. This choice is yours. You are strong enough to do what you need to do, and God is not surprised or shocked by anything you’re going through. He is right there, making you strong enough and wise enough to act in His will.
Sunny-dee, Thank you for sharing your situation with me. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement!
Your situation makes me want to cry. Your husband appears to be committing financial infidelity. If you don’t know exactly where all this money is going, you need to start looking. Check your credit report too, in case he has opened accounts in your name.
You mentioned he is working part-time and claiming they are not paying him. This is a huge red flag! Why on earth would someone work for an employer who doesn’t pay?? If he is being paid but saying he isn’t, what is happening to his W-2/1099 each January? Are you paying taxes on this income? If not, the IRS is going to have something to say about that and they never have anything NICE to say!
Without understanding all the details, I don’t see this problem going away on it’s own or having a good resolution unless you do something about it.
Stop holding this secret. You need to see someone for help and your church family is the first place you should go. It will not get better until you do.
Thank you, Kathleen! Agree completely.
This is a very important topic and I also am shocked that anyone would think they had to put up with this. Enabling the horrible, selfish behavior of your spouse is not the right thing to do.
Finances is a very important topic to discuss BEFORE marriage. If your fiance expresses any beliefs that hint at financial control or being above you, wedding plans come to a complete halt until you get to the bottom of it.
Not wanting to be treated like a peasant doesn’t make you entitled.
Totally agree, Lisa!
I’m a stay at home mom. Until recently I had my own bank accounts and he had his. We agreed before we got married that they stay separate, because he is a truck driver and there are very large bills that need to be payed. I’m not awesome with budgeting, so I would feel awful if I over spent and something bounced. I was perfectly fine with what he was proposing. Back before kids, my money was all mine, I just payed for my car and cell phone, he payed everything else, since he was making more money. He often gave me more if I wanted more. Once we had our first child and wasn’t working out of the home anymore, he started putting a specific amount of money in my account. Enough for all my personal expenses, grocery money, gas money, baby money etc. It was a very good amount, more than I really needed, but if it was a big month for spending I had a credit card that he payed off when I used it. we also had one joint savings account, but neither of us touched that money, since it was specifically for savings. This worked very well for us. Now he started his own trucking company, and he purposely made me signing authority on the company, so in case of death I can access funds, payments etc. I’m still a stay at home mom, and he still ‘pays’ me wages but I never go in and use the other money. I don’t need to. We both talk about our money as his money and my money but no one is greedy about it. Yes his accounts have more but he pays all expenses besides groceries, gas and spending money for me and the kids. I don’t feel like we have to have joint everything to have a good marriage. I’m also a spender and he isn’t. I tell him to spend his money on more than just bills but he isn’t the type to do so. Sometimes he thinks I shouldn’t need to spend more money for another handbag when I have 10 of them, but he’s not going to cut off my money for it!! I guess my point is that there isn’t a one size fits all. He’s not controlling, and I’m not abused just because we have a couple separate accounts. He’s also very transparent with what money is in his separate accounts, as am I with what’s in mine.
Well said. What works for one doesn’t work for all. What’s important is the mutual agreement and respect.
I guess you are in the wrong place. This page is not for boasting how perfect your marriage life is.
I was raised with this type of thinking. I was taught that as a stay at home wife/mom the money isn’t yours. It’s his since he works for it. And you are to take whatever he gives you fir groceries/needs and just make it work. You are never allowed or suppose to say anything about how he chooses to spend his money, even if it’s foolish. It isn’t your money but his.
It’s a truly damaging way to think. I’ve been married 7 months and still catch myself asking permission to buy something and even apologizing for buying stuff since it is “his money.” My precious husband gently corrects my flawed thinking by reminding me it is equally our money, but I can’t break the chains yet. 🙁
You’ll get there! And it sounds like you have a WONDERFUL husband. I’m so glad God brought someone into your life who could start to break you of that poisonous and unbiblical mindset. That’s wonderful!
Woww first of all to the lady who asked: am very sorry about your situation.Secondly,this is a common issue and I’ve realized that as time passes,people have really been have been infested by greed,on a very personal level.Like “what is mine is mine.I ve worked for it”.It sure is yours but whatever happened to living simply to allow others to simply live? What is sad is that even our children are picking up that.I watched a segment on Jimmy Kimmel where he was asking kids if they want to get married in the future.One boy (6 years old I think) said “no” and Jimmy asked him why?he said “because when you re married,your spouse is entitled to your money” Like really???a 6 year old? My friends found it funny,I personally thought there was nothing funny about it.this world is doomed
And no I am no free loader.I am working on my PhD so I can make a life for myself in the future .I was just raised to love people and use things.Not the other way around
My husband and I have been married for two years. He came into our marriage with a lot of bad debt and poor finance skills. I paid off all the debt with the Lord’s amazing help, but it came at a great cost to me, it felt. For example, I married in a wedding gown I didn’t like, in order to save money to pay his debt.
My husband lost his job last year and didn’t want to look for work. He didn’t worry about his bills and left it all up to me. I work fulltime in ministry, while having a chronic disease. I didn’t feel that he helped carry the burden, even at home. I felt like his mother. We fought a lot, and I admit I felt it was grossly unfair. It was a horrible time. It is not that he is malicious, but it is as if he doesn’t live in reality and has no common sense financially.
With the advice of others I split our finances (it used to be joint) so that he can carry the consequences of his not taking responsibility for himself. I felt like a witch, but it has given me a sense of protecting and taking care of myself. He has since had some contract work and is looking at studying to open up more job options. We are also praying about some ministry options for him.
Whatever option he chooses, his income will be small, if at all, and we’ll have go back to joint finances to pay his bills. I still feel some resentment about what happened and I am scared about going back to a place of conflict. How do I not measure his daily business to weigh up if he does as much as I do? I don’t know what perspective to have any more.
My husband and I have been married for 7 years. He has a checking account with his mother and brother on it that was opened when he was a teenager. I have a checking account with just my name on it. I work part time (my hours have been cut way back by the company) and I go to school full time. The only money that I have is not mine at all but rather child support for my child from my previous marriage. I had to get credit cards to pay for things I need like toiletries and basic feminine hygiene products. My husband pays all the house bills and I have to put gas in the car and pay my own cell phone bill. He covers me once in a while but I have to pay him back! It is absurd and insulting as I feel he does not see me as an equal partner. It has made me angry and resentful and that isn’t right either. Something has to give. I completely understand the frustration other women have that are in the same position.
Oh, Ginger, that’s really not right. Do you go to a church where some other couples can come alongside you and mentor you and tell him that’s not okay? I’m so sorry.
I have a question involving my alcohol addiction and access to our family money: I have struggled with alcohol for several years and am finally on the right path to sobriety. I had a recent small relapse, but aside from that, I have not drank in two months. I am in treatment and therapy and soon will be receiving an injection that will further curb any cravings and/or desire to drink.
From the beginning of our relationship (at the point where we began living together), he has had control of “his money”. Even after the birth of our daughter, this continued to be the case. I have also not been the best parent possible because of my alcohol abuse. We were married and few months ago, and I still have no access to money. His primary reason is that he feels I will sabotage our finances and “get drunk”. As an aside, I rarely bought alcohol with any money he earned. Nevertheless, before we were married, I stated that I wanted equal access to money. I am still a stay-at-home mother to the three daughters that still reside in our home.
I am wondering at what point am I able to prove that I am financially responsible? I married him and just after that we filed bankruptcy together, so I really feel as if now is a good time to start budgeting together, etc. I truly want to be active in the totality of managing our household. This is something that is very important to me and I feel as if I continued to drink “over it” because I started to feel as though the situation was hopeless.
I would appreciate ANY thoughts on the matter, as I would like to share them with my husband.
Thank you!
Hi,
My husband is the alcoholic in the relationship so I don’t know if this will help. The hard thing is that when we write how we feel, we write through our own eyes. Everyone battles addiction differently. My husband is exactly what you describe of your husband’s fears for you…and in the past it has cost us dearly. He’s a Hugh functioning alcoholic. He’s lost a couple jobs, but is always right back to another. He still drinks the equivalent of 6-8 drinks daily.
Background aside, just so you understand. My husband functions ok in public with strangers. His relationships with people who know him well are not good and so it leads to a lack of trust. Has your husband specifically mentioned any behaviors that make him think you will spend all the money? If you have been in recovery for some time, it’s ok to remind him that people can change. Your current behavior should speak for itself. The past is past unless you are dragging it forward with you. Substance addiction has a habit of trying to do that to people and that might be what he fears. Seak some counseling together, continue going to AA meetings for yourself, even if you don’t think you need it. Encourage him to maybe check out al-anon. Alcoholism is a family disease, but recovery is always for yourself first. You can’t be at your best for others if you aren’t caring for yourself. When you feel hopeless, find things that bring you joy that you can do instead if you are tempted to drink. Hopefully your husband will be willing to do his part also.
I truly appreciate your input!! Thank you!
…ack! Sorry for the typos!
I am not legally married but homeschool our kids and live in a monogamous relationship for 11 years. Most friends and neighbors think we are married legally as we call ourselves husband and wife.
I am Christian and believe in marriage, he does not, although he calls me wife. The kids think we are married.
Anyway, everything we have is in his name from cars to the house. I have no access to money or financial information. When I ask he says that’s not for me to worry about. I have two credit cards, one is emergency, that he pays off each month for gas, food, homeschool classes. I also have a monthly cash allowance that I “budget” for play money such as amusements as movies, zoo, and restaurants. I buy used items for myself such as clothing and books.
I ended up being without money deposited into my account on a trip to see my parents. It was not fun, to say the least. They paid for everything. He did not replenish the account at the beginning of the next month.
I took a plane home with children and had zero money. He told me to charge things if we needed food. This also happened abroad, but neither. Credit cards nor ATM card worked! I had no money for the kids and I to eat.
I told him this was abusive and he laughed at me like I was insane. He said he loves me and the children.
I wish we were married and I wish I were treated with respect.
Yolanda, that is definitely not right. Even though you’re not legally married, you do have rights to the money as his common law spouse. Is there a church mentor you can have sit down with you and tell him that it’s wrong what he’s doing? Or can you talk to a lawyer to see what your rights are? Because this is a dangerous situation.
I am so glad I found this post. My husband after 13 years let our bank account go and opened a new account only I hid name. When we were first together , I was making good money as a bartender and eventually promoted to a money room manager making a good salary. I had so many opportunities to advance but left it all to stay home with our two small children because of his work schedule, he owned a family business and was the breadwinner. This was back in2009. At the time we had joint accounts and never had an issue getting what I needed for myself or our kids. Fast forward four kids later, major ppd after my fourth that has all changed. He went from the most supportive spouse to the controlling type. My ppd got me into the planning community and from there launched a blog with self hosting. It’s hard because anytime I need money for anything it’s a fight. He closed our joint account and opened his own that I have no access to, I am trying to pursue my passion blogging and it’s hard when I finally get the card number and use it, he closes it and gets another so I can’t access it. I am home with four children and know I can do this. He doesn’t support me or give me money, it’s pulling teeth. Mind you he had a ton of money issues , forclosue, back taxes(50,000 if not more) I’m not perfect and spend here and there. I’ve got better since my ppd ( planning started as a coping mechanism. He was my best friend and could tell him anything but lately I’m afraid to tell him anything. While suffering ppd he was telling his family and mine I was on drugs and someone called child survices on me. I’m at a lose and feel alone, he tells me I’d never get our children if I left I also had excellent credit before I meat him now its shot. Again i am far from perfect but either was he. I feel like I resent him now. Is he aloud to do this in the in the state of Pa
Sorry, but after years of experience in this first hand, there are points I disagree on.
1. If your marriage lacks a common goal and mutual respect, combined income with unlimited access doesn’t work.
My husband religiously bounced the bank account. We combined for a whole because it’s what he wanted. He spent all the money and I had to do all the bills. He refused, and still refuses to take part in budgeting. Even though I lay out the budget and what bills are due when, he doesn’t regard them. He gets a weekly allowance of $70. I get none. He does side jobs and keeps all the money. My side money goes toward our bills. Anytime he wants something above his $70 a week, we talk about it. This has resulted in the last year of him getting more than $7,000 in power tools, a vehicle, and a dog. But he is still angry that he has to “ask.” The reason is that previously, we joined bills, and we had to separate them because he was out of control. We lost our apartment and we also separated for a while due to personal reasons. When we set boundaries and tried again, I continued paying all the debt we made in my name all on my own. Since he didn’t have it, he paid for the utilities and rent on a mobile home and I paid for everything else. It resulted in an eviction notice, he got his car repossessed (I didnt), his tv almost repossessed, and he almost lost his job because he borrowed money against it. I stupidly helped save it all except the car. But I helped him with a greenpath agreement to keep him out of collection. At that point, he asked me to take back the finances, but still refuses to participate other than to complain he never gets enough…but offers no solutions.
Now 2 years since that separation, he says he shouldn’t have to “ask” when he needs more than $275-350 a month, plus $100-400 in side money. Here I sit upset that he won’t contribute that side money as I do to go toward the debt I allowed hiim to make in my name. After all, when we were at the checkout counter, he ferverently agreed he would. Hah.
So no, I don’t think that it’s always bad for one person to have access. Although I do believe it’s rooted in one of two other issues. One being that one person just is not good with handling the money but agrees for it to be that way….or there’s other marital issues. In my case It’s both and my husband flip flops between the two on a daily basis and makes me crazy.
Now my husband almost never spends his and many, many months I don’t either! As I said we are both kinds of frugal. But I know that if I want something or to eat at a more expensive place with a friend, or just see a cute dish, I have the freedom to do so and live as a
I am glad i found this post,i am just new here in US like under 2 yrs and got married here last year. my husband controls all the money,i dont have any name in everything only his name and he dont give me money,he gave me a card that his card copy ..i get tired of him keep telling me i dont know anything yet about the law or rules here ,how the money works or card works,or anything that requires me to use the money..i just felt my situation became worst,because i was in middle east working till i married him and we have a kid i am taking care Till now..now that we live together here in US i cant get what i want ,i dont have allowance..he controls wverything even groceries..if i insist to buy something like i like but he dont like ,like veggies,it doesnt make him happy and never talk to me the whole day..and its difficult to me..anybody suggest what to do to help me fix my problem?
Hi Leah,
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! I can imagine how lonely and confusing it must be. What I’d really suggest is that you try to get into a group of friends or a community where you can meet people and find friends and then ask them to navigate the American laws with you. A great place is MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers). They have groups that meet in churches during the weekdays (so likely while your husband is at work). You can find a group near you here. You can also find a church near you that has a women’s Bible study during the week. Often they have childcare during the group. That’s a great way to meet other women, and then maybe some of them can help you figure out how to handle this? It isn’t right that you don’t have access to money.
You can also call the Domestic Abuse Hotline at 1-877-988-5559 (because not giving you access to money is abuse). They can likely steer you towards some legal help.
Again, I’m sorry that you’re going through this!
I actually live like this and I hate it. As long as I was working, we had a joint account. But when he went on disability retired as an officer from the military it stopped.
We separated for a while, about a Decade ago and I came into an inheritance. I sold the 2 homes I had as investment and bought a new home on a spread of land. Its all in my own name with my children’s names in case anything happens to me. Since the inheritance was they’re family member as well. My husband and I both live here without a mortgage. So the only bills are electric, water and phone. No car payments or credit card payments either. But gets a decent amount of money that he has gets on a SS card in his own name only. He never gives me the pin number so when I’m allowed to use it, I have to run it as credit. Isn’t that wrong not allowing me to take out any cash ever? I’m disabled also. I want to save to fix the damages he’s created by getting cash out and putting it away in a safe but I can’t get any and he won’t give me any for that. If I could work, I would gladly. I Also have a different lawsuit in the works and if I win , I’m contemplating on paying him back for every dime I ever got from him and getting a divorce.
He’s lazy, doesn’t help me around the hobby farm, doesn’t fix anything but complains about not getting enough sex. Lol .
Get this though,.. he’s ruined the floors in the master bedroom with spilling coffee and drinks, burn holes in the carpet in there. Marred all walls. Basically the room is ruined and needs completely updating. He’s broken the fixture on his side of sinks in the bathroom and it’s been broken for a year.
Obviously, I don’t sleep in there because it’s so nasty. But I wanted to share with your readers just how greedy and mean some husband’s can be. Now this man wants to be married. He complains we never have sex enough. I’d rather just be room mates if anything at all because right now I have zero income. Sorry I feel disrespected and not interested. I wonder why, huh? Would you?
He always says he hates work and glad he’s not doing it anymore. Says he doesn’t like living in the country. We’re supposed to be retired, who wouldn’t love living in the country in a new house all paid for? I think he must be crazy. So any ideas on this? He claims he’s a Christian. He goes to church and does Bible study daily.
I don’t get it. A Kenite?
Hi.
I was married to a man for 15 years that was the main bread winner while I stayed home to raise our 4 children. I homeschooled them for some of that time. He was the controlller of HIS money and as he got paid monthly, he would spend it all in the first week and leave us with barely enough to live off for the next few weeks.
Fast forward to the present day. I divorced my ex 5.5 years ago. For the past 3.5 years I have been with my new partner. 2 years ago we moved in together. Last month we got engaged.
Between us we have 6 children. Due to health issues I have had to give up my job outside the home.
He is now the main income earner.
I am starting to see alarm bells.
For instance, when my kids are with us he barely buys groceries. I survive on toast. Yes we have dinner but we have the absolute bare necessities as he resents ‘carrying’ my kids (child support barely covers it). When his kids come, he stocks up the pantry with all sorts of goodies, soft drink, snacks. My kids and I look forward to them coming if only for the fact we know we will have food again.
I feel bad asking him for money as he makes me feel like a financial burden. I need new deodorant but I am not even sure I can ask for that.
I am completely out of petrol to get kids to school. I mentioned this this morning and he gave me $20 cash (won’t go far) and as he handed it to me he said “you are eating into my credit card money” (money to pay off his credit card I assume).
When we do go to the store, he takes control of the shopping cart and leads the way, takes over the shopping and ordering goods at the deli counter which makes me feel insignificant. I’m old school and feel that’s my job.
I don’t know how to broach this subject without causing an argument as he soon fires up when it comes to money.
His ex wife was the one who controlled the money in previous marriage so I guess he’s protecting himself?
I want to get this issue sorted BEFORE we walk down the isle. I can’t be in another abusive relationship. Help?
P.S: I am a life long Christian and he is only new to the faith.
Hi Rebecca!
From what I’m hearing, he is not sharing the money that he has and he is hoarding it so much that you do not even have money to buy food.
That is ABUSE. Please hear me on this. This is simply wrong. It is wrong for your children to not have food to eat. You are their mother and it is your job to feed them. If he is not giving you money, then you simply must contact an abuse expert or a counsellor or a family member who may be able to help you. But this is wrong. The fact that you don’t have money to buy gas to drive them to school is wrong.
It does not matter what happened in previous marriage or why he is doing this; a caring, loving person does not watch his wife and kids have nothing to eat. You are not a financial burden or being unreasonable to want money for necessities.
Please talk to someone and do something about this, if only for your children’s sakes! There are government programs that can help you, too, and there are shelters that will help you get on your feet. You may have to take a job and start supporting them yourself, but it is not normal for a person to not be bothered by the fact that his wife has no food.
I am totally in the middle of this situation right now. My husband works. I stay at home with our son. He feels the money is his. And he is a reckless spender. It’s so bad that he doesn’t have money to buy gas to get to work. He doesn’t feel the pain of it because he is always able to talk his family into giving him money, even though they don’t have much either. My name is not on any of the bank accounts. Right now I’m nervous because I’m going to need to buy diapers soon and he doesn’t get paid again for another two weeks. He has been buying things with quarters the last few days because that’s all he has left. I know this is a serious problem and everyone around me sees it and is pretty frustrated with him for his behavior. Now I don’t know what to do. Last time I tried to make a budget with him he said I was being controlling and wouldn’t hear it. I do not know how to approach this matter. I am conservative and know how to spend and save wisely, but he doesn’t want to hear my input (or anyone elses) because he feels that he is right and no one else understands.
Hi Sarah,
This is a really serious situation. He may believe that he is right–but if he is spending quarters and has no money to get to work and no money for diapers, then he is simply NOT right.
And you are a mother now. You have to take responsibility for your child’s well-being.
So I would seriously suggest that you set some firm boundaries. Get your family members involved, for instance, and ask them to help you take control of the money. Or else see about moving out and going on assistance so that you can budget for yourself. It may mean that you have to get a job. But sometimes we need to do something drastic to help them see that they have to change.
This is simply not okay, and I think you need some help around you. So talk to your family, talk to his family, and make it clear that this can’t go on. You need diapers. That is a genuine need. And something has to change. I really wish you the best, but it’s so hard to do this yourself, so pray that God will show you who you can get to help talk to him and to help set up some clear boundaries and a plan going forward so that you have some access to money and a way to support you and your child.
Thank you Sheila. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer my question. I needed to hear that. I am finding it very difficult to admit to myself the severity of the problem. I will be talking to my family about this soon. Hopefully tomorrow. Thank you for everything. I love your blog.
I am in a second marriage. We both work but my husband makes a lot more money than I do. He says I should pay for my stuff and he will pay for his therefore we don’t need a joint account and I don’t need access to his money. He gives me an allowance but balks about it every month. I buy groceries for the entire family though. I also pay for the health insurance. He says he is not responsible for feeding my kids. He takes trips without me, gives his kids hefty allowances, etc. Please advise. It is really getting to me.
I’m currently a stay at home mom. Before this i had a job and paying my own bills plus paying half of his bills . he is the only one with income. He says his bills are his responsibility and my bills are my responsibility. Remind you I’m not working. I now can’t afford my bills. I’m overwhelmed, sad, hurt, discusted, angry, confused. Any advise, suggestions?
Carmen, are you married? If you are, the money should be both of yours, together. And I’d suggest that you talk to a counsellor or insist that he sit down and talk to someone about it. If you’re not married, then you’ve got a big problem, because while you may be eligible for child support, you may not be eligible for half of the property. This is a serious problem, and you do need to deal with it. if necessary, even talk to a lawyer. But I am sorry.
I am in a similar situation and I now realize it as financial abuse. He’s irresponsible with our money too, so we are in debt and do not own a home or have any savings. I have devoted 23 years of my life to him & homeschooling our son & have nothing to show for it. No relationship security or financial security.
My husband is also verbally and emotionally abusive & at times is physically intimidating. It has taken a toll on me physically, mentally, emotionally socially & spiritually. Unfortunately our churches and even many counselors are not equipped and/or do not understand how to help women in abusive relationships even when the helpers are well intentioned.
I am seeing a counselor at a domestic violence shelter and she has been such a blessing. The shelters often have support groups and counselors that understand the dynamics of abusive relationships & the needs of abuse survivors and other support services. You do not have to be staying at the shelter or leaving your spouse to use their services.
I am in a marriage of over 25 years where my husband controls all the money and gives me a small allowance every 2 weeks. I buy the family food and household needs, clothing and gas. My husband pays the mortgage and utility bills. I pay my own credit card bills and have 2 credit cards I only use for emergencies .I also work 16 hrs a week as a nurse and are in full time online school to get my BSN. Most of my money is spent on my three kids and me. My husband recently sold a family business( his dad gave him) where he worked for over 30 yrs without consulting me and has a contract to work 5 more years with them. He is in his late 50’s . Any attempt to talk with him concerning our problems ends with arguments, him fleeing, or screaming at me calling me names. There is no intimacy in our marriage and he goes to bed at dusk and arises at dawn sleeping in a separate part of the house. Menopause has contributed to intimacy changes that he does not want to deal with and accuses me of doing this on purpose.
This is my current situation and I just got married 4 months ago and just moved here in the U.S. last December with my little daughter (my child from previous relationship). Prior our marriage, I asked my husband to help me to get me a driver’s license so I can drive around on my own (go to the grocery, go to the church, pick up my child from school), I also asked him we need to get me and my child SSN so we have records here in NY and so I can work after we got married and it will be easier for me to get a job after we filed for permanent residency. I also asked him to setup a bank account for me (which we have agreed before we got married).
Unfortunately, none of those happened and my husband refused to help me and my daughter to get our updated visa status, so we are undocumented immigrants here in the U.S. Whenever I ask him to give me money, I only receive $100, and its up to me for how long I could make it last. I don’t have a regular allowance. When I told him I should have a regular allowance, he replied: what do you need money for? You don’t need anything, you don’t go out. I buy everything.”
I am trapped in this relationship, in our house and in this country. How can I get out of this abusive marriage legally?
By the way, when I called 911 few days ago to report domestic issue, a police came to respond to my call but the cop received a radio call from the police station and my complaint was reversed, as my husband when to the police station after my 911 call. Then I just realized that my husband’s best-man in our wedding has a brother who works in that precinct. I was the 1st one to call for a help and complaining my abusive husband but ended being complained.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. That sounds really, really difficult. I’d suggest calling the Domestic Violence hotline–you can chat live online, or you can phone them. The information is here. They should be able to point you to some legal help in your immigration situation, too. Again, I’m so sorry.
I have something similar in my life but worse. My husband and his Mom and Grandmother have control over his money. I am not allowed to know how much he has. He gets money all the time and if I need gas to take the kids to the doctor I have to listen to his grandmother gripe at me about using to much of his money. I do not work so it hurts to use anything. I have to meet his grandma at the gas station to fill up with gas, she will get out and fill it up. I have to go grocery shopping with her or his mother. I am not allowed to buy our children clothing, birthday gifts, or Christmas. I have to turn lists into them in October and they will buy Christmas. I do not get new things or if I do it has to be on sale and can’t go over a certain amount! This has gone on for 6 years. I keep trying to Humble my self!
How do I keep my marriage intact? I cant keep doing this!
Whoever is the most financially astute of the pair should manage the money. It doesn’t matter whether it’s the man or woman, just whoever is going to consistently and vigilantly monitor the couple’s financial position to help them make informed financial decisions. In the end, that’s how it should be!
My Husband doesnt let me have debit card or money. He gives me money if I ask but its usually like $3-4 at a time, he’s so nice about it when he does just like the article said above like he’s doing me a favor. If he forgets to put gas in the car then I have no way to get to work. If I need money for church functions or to help anyone he flips out. If I am with him shopping he would let me buy things and is nice, but if I took his debit card and run to the dollar store and spend under $10 he flips out.
I got fed up and ordered a debit card, spent $39 at walmart and filled up the gas tank to get to work which is 30 miles from home. came home that night and he had bought a yeti and like $100 i flea medicine for the dog and who knows what else – the account got overdrawn and its my fault.
I also want to add that I work a full time job making $20/hr., he is self employed and the money varies. He can spend $200 year in video games $100 netflix, $ Vudu movies because he works hard, I set at a desk and do nothing all day, if I worked hard like him I could spend money to relax.
We have had marriage counseling at our church and he thinks everyone just doesn’t know how bad I am and side in with me and that I have a spending problem….I do not know what to do, I am stuck with medical bills he wont let me pay on, bad credit, house in my name that he has destroyed with plans to remodel but left it a mess. If I could kick him out I would but he would never leave. I’ve left him 3 times already and he’s got me believing its me, I’m the one with issues that doesn’t respect my husband like the bible says….
What should I do? I feel like putting my money in a separate account would be best or giving him the ultimatum that I will leave otherwise. I try to keep peace and not open my mouth, well he doesn’t let me because he screams on top of me how I’m the problem not him. I feel so stuck….
Jade, that’s just awful. And you really need a good marriage counsellor or mentor couple who can help you get a handle on things. If you’re earning money, you need to have access to money. I don’t understand how you have no access to money if you have a job? You can just make sure that your paycheque goes into an account in your name. I usually never recommend that couples don’t share accounts, but in this case it may be necessary to have your own account.
What you are explaining is financial abuse, and it’s wrong. Please talk to some friends who will help you and support you as you take a stand and draw some financial boundaries around yourself to protect the house and your credit.
Excellent article and very wise advice. Sadly, my exBOYFRIEND did the same to me and I had a job. He made me spend all of my money on bills while he did what he wanted with his. I knew it was abusive but I was stuck on a lease and stuck in my feelings. So glad it’s over.
Happy to report, I’m no longer living in a sinful fornicating lifestyle!
I’ve been a long time reader of your blog, and these sickening financial abuse situations have prompted me to comment! Being married to a pastor for 16 years and mentoring couples all along I’d like to mention that financial abuse rarely happens alone, is usually accompanied by emotional abuse, if not all other forms of abuses. These issues must be dealt by with professional counselors!
I pray God will give these women courage and wisdom to establish healthy boundaries, so the can get deliverance they so deserve!
Anna, thank you for commenting! I’m glad you did, and welcome to the blog (though obviously you’ve been reading for a while).
I totally agree–it’s rarely in isolation. This stuff makes me so angry. I hope that women will seek out help to deal with this.
My husband is this way. I have no access to ” his” money and he leaves his checkbook with signed checks with his mother not me. He came home one night feeling sick and slept all night and half of next day whole time wr needed things from store like toilet paper, etc. Instead of disturbing him i went and got items needed. When he found out he cursed me so bad and called me a thief. How do i get over that kind of heart break. That hurt me so much. Now he acts like nothing happened and still i have to ask for money. Just a separate note here i raised HIS child 14 yrs without him and without child support and he wants to treat me like this. ??!!?? What do i do ????
Ga Sweetness–
If you’re in a situation where you don’t have access to the money, that is not OK–what happens if you’re in an emergency situation and need cash quickly? It’s not safe.
If he’s treating you like this, just know you don’t have to put up with that–getting a counsellor involved or family members or members of your community who can help you sort this out and decide what the next steps should be is important.
I googled this topic after a discussion with work buddies after work. I am the husband who earns 100 percent of the family money. My wife and I struggled to have our first child at my wife’s age of 43. She decided she did not want to go back to work after maternity leave. She cooks, cleans, takes care of our child, volunteers at our Church, among countless other things that make our home life wonderful. She and I sit down and write a budget each month and I pay all our joint bills. What is left is ours to share. I would never dream of putting my wife, partner, best friend, and mother of my child in the position of asking me for money for anything. She deserves the respect of full access to all the money I earn for our family. One of my work mates said he couldn’t believe I trust my wife with money. I said if I did not trust and respect her, I would not have married her.
My husband has been in charge of the finances the last 5 years and I was in charge of the finances the 4 years before that. We’ve only been married for 3 so we’ve only shared a bank account for the last 3 years. When I would pay bills years ago, I’d list what the bills were, they’re total and then what I needed from him. He always argued with me about it then and I never understood why, just because you don’t want to fork it over, doesn’t mean it isn’t due…
My problem now, is anytime I want to know what money goes where and how much, I cannot get an answer out of him or it escalates into him yelling. The whole reason I even begin to ask is because he’ll tell me we need to not spend so much, or we are spending too much money and need to reign it in. Which is understandable. Or would be if I knew what our budget was versus what we bring in monthly together. My husband makes 5 times the amount I do, and I know about what our bills are. So I KNOW we should have plenty for bills and some to put into savings. Anytime I try talking to him about this, its just an argument.
Soooo…In my house I am the working spouse. My husband has been a stay-at-home dad for 9 years. He is also and alcoholic. I have always tried to treat him respectfully when it comes to our money. I never call it “my” money. But, I realize that in allowing him unfettered access I am enabling his drinking. If I cut him off financially, how is he supposed to grocery shop, or pay for the orthodontist, or put gas in his car? What do I do?? Any advice would be really appreciated.
Oh, Linda, that’s so hard, and I’m so sorry that you’re walking through this!
I have to say, though, that I think the first thing that has to be dealt with is his alcohol abuse. You can’t stand for that. You just can’t. He has to understand that it is not possible for him to drink and keep the life that he has.
I’d seriously recommend joining an Al Anon group or some such that helps family members of alcoholics. They can help you navigate this.
But also ask yourself: Do you want a man who abuses alcohol to care for your children? To drive them to the orthodontist? That could be very concerning. So I would say deal with the alcohol abuse first, and get yourself in a good community so that you can draw firm boundaries.
This is my life. I don’t know what to do. I’ve been a stay at home mom for 6 years. Been married for 8. The only way I have survived in paying “my bills” which includes my cell phone, and any credit cards that I use to get by because I have no income is because my father was living with us and paying me as his caregiver. Well, it’s been 2 years now since my husband made my father move out and promised he would take care of all the finances and he has not. I have no access to the family money, everything is in his name. He does pay our mortgage, most of the groceries, but I’m still paying for anything the 2 children need and I am doing homeschool. I’m selling anything and everything I can to pay my small debt, but I’m running out of options and his answer is for me to file for bankruptcy. I’m so stressed, I can not sleep. I’m being sent to collections and have 20 calls a day for debt collectors. Do I give them his information? Give them his number, tell them he is in charge? I don’t know what to do
You give them his information–absolutely! And you reach out to friends and ask them for help. Ask them to help you sit down with your husband and get your name on everything so you have access.
Sometimes you have to start the separation process to get access to the finances. But this is not a safe situation for you or the children, and he needs to start reaping the consequences of his actions rather than you having to deal with them. Yes! Tell people. Tell the debt collectors. And you’ll likely have to find a safe place for you and your children to go if it truly is that dire. I’m so sorry, and I hope you get some help!
I’m glad I found this page. I’ve recently started withholding funds from my wife. A few months ago I had a revelation. We where spending money for weed, but had run out of groceries for the household. I stopped using, but my wife continues to use. I dont want to be an abuser. I just want to make sure we can provide for the family. If I can’t trust her based on historical poor Financial decisions what should I do? I’ve seen some good comments, on this website. I will try to schedule some finacial counseling with the church, if she’s willing.
John, That’s so tough! And way to go for getting rid of the marijuana! That’s wonderful.
I think when a spouse can’t be trusted with money that’s a different story. But then I do believe that counselling is necessary, so that’s wonderful that you’re going to try to go to your church family. I wish you all the best in that!
My husband of 10 years never gives me money. He does all grocery shopping for that reason. He’s ruined my credit because he often pays my bills 90 days late and i have over $40k in credit card debt from him that he never paid. He makes good money but dumps it all into building his business, so he says. And when i do ask for a few dollars for gas or to get a haircut, he screams at me, tells me to get a job (he made me stay at home to raise 4 children because daycare was out of his budget). If i set up a job interview, he tells me that he has no money for me to get work clothes or gas money. Also told me that my income better cover daycare expenses (daycare is more than my paycheck). I even have to get him to buy my feminine hygiene products since he won’t give me the money to get it myself. I don’t know what to do to get out of this hole. I can’t leave because i have nowhere to go, no access to money, no job, no vehicle since he would take it and stop making payments. He even threatens me about taking our children since the courts would see i have no way to support them. I feel so stuck and have come to hate him. Some days i feel it would be better without me around but then i think about my kids
Married almost 30 years. I always took care of every thing because he was sick. Helped him get back on his feet even helped him get a interview for his job and now he acts like he doesn’t remember all that I did for him and the family. All the years of handling every thing . Standing beside and providing care for him. Now, I am having to fix my credit while his is unvarnished because everything was put in my name. It all took a toll on my health but he doesn’t take care of me . I work but if still using my finances for family expenses while he is having fun with his and won’t even give me 10 dollars til my payday
You don’t have to put up with this. You can put a bank account in your own name. You can talk about a budget and set a cash allowance. You can speak up! If you don’t feel like you’re able, then please see a counselor, because this isn’t right.
I get child support every week, for two kids, so it makes him feel like I have some sort of income. But that money is not mine. I don’t even know what he makes each week. My debit card to his account expired years ago and he never replaced it.
Oh, Leah, that’s so wrong. You’re allowed to speak up and demand that you be put on the bank accounts. You really are! If he won’t let that happen, then please contact an abuse hotline, because that isn’t safe and it isn’t right.
Comment I have been married for 7 years. I quit my job to venture into business but it failed. I have been a stay at home mum for 3 years, my husband pays all the bills but he does not give me any money, I do not know how much he earns, I have to ask for money to buy even sanitary towel. I do not go anywhere basically I am trapped in this house 24/7 suffering depression and anxiety
Kristin, that is not right. You can call a domestic abuse hotline where you live and ask what your legal options are. Do you have family that you trust that can sit down with him and insist you get access to the bank accounts? Or any of his family that may help intervene on your behalf?