The Only Way to Defeat Sexual Shame

Do you struggle with sexual shame?

This week we’ve been focusing on libido. I talked about how to get over sexual shame and feel some sexual confidence; we looked at how to feel confident in our bodies; and then there was a post on the two different kinds of arousal that can clear up so many libido struggles for women!

Now, every Friday I like to write a short inspirational marriage piece to give you one thought to take with you for the weekend. And today I want to revisit the question that I answered on Monday from a different angle and talk about something really crucial to understand: sexual shame can be defeated. But it can only be defeated by truth.

Sheila’s Marriage Moment: The Only Way to Defeat Sexual Shame

Many of us struggle with sexual shame, whether it’s because of something horrible like sexual abuse or assault; something potentially degrading like sexual promiscuity; or something nefarious like growing up in a home where sex was seen as something dirty.

One woman wrote to me:

I grew up with family members who, frankly, made sex seem bad and dirty–“sex is naughty” / “sex is only something to keep your husband happy” / “I can’t imagine you being able to have sex because you’re too nice”–etc. How do I get over the shame and embrace sex?

Whenever we’re dealing with shame, be it sexual shame or shame of any sort, there is no magic answer on how to fight it, except for this: shame can only be defeated by replacing it with truth.

Shame is a lie.

Shame says, “there is something intrinsically bad about you.”

In the sexual realm, shame says that sexuality, which is at the core of our identity, is somehow wrong, as if we were created with a huge gaping mistake. In other areas, shame may tell us, “you’re no good. No one will ever love you. You are a failure.”

Those voices are common. They are loud. But they are also lies.

When Satan tried to tempt Jesus with lies, Jesus fought back by quoting Truth. And we need to do the same thing.

Here’s how: think back to the root of the shame. Try to focus on a specific memory or memories of when you first believed that lie. Look at that little girl (or that woman) in that memory. What is she feeling? Now think about this: what is the truth in that situation? 

It’s even a good idea to get a piece of paper with three columns: the memory; the feelings; and the truth. If you can’t think of what’s actually true, because you can’t see clearly, ask a friend to pray through it with you. What is God saying to that little girl, or that woman, in that situation? What is His heart here?

Once you have a list of truths, then every time those negative feelings start up, practice saying the truth to yourself. That’s what Paul talks about in 2 Corinthians 10:5:

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

When you experience shame, that is setting itself up against your knowledge of God. That is stealing from you the vision of who He created you to be. And to fight against it, we have to take captive those feelings and thoughts that are lies, and deliberately replace them.

That’s the route to a shame-less life, and that’s what God wants for you!

Need more help replacing lies with truth? I’ve got a post on 10 amazing things about how God made sex and 10 positive things to tell yourself about sex that may be of use.

What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?

Check out this week’s top posts full of awesome tips and ideas on ways you can spend quality time with your husband!

#1 Post on the Blog: 10 ways To Love Your Body–And Want To Share It With Your Husband!
#3 on the Blog Overall: 50 Most Important Bible Verses To Memorize
#1 from Facebook: Kissing In Marriage: Top 10 Kisses Every Marriage Needs
#1 from Pinterest: An Awesome List Of 79 Hobbies To Do With Your Spouse

It’s Rebecca here!

As some of you know, I’m Sheila’s daughter and have been working as a virtual assistant/gofer for TLHV for the last few months. Usually my mom writes a little update down here, but she’s away in Alberta on a speaking tour right now! So between all the driving and the jet lag she’s taking a break from the update today.

Do you live in Alberta? Check out Sheila’s tour dates to see if she’s coming to a church in your neighbourhood!