I wrote a post a few months back about being the kind of mom your kids can turn to with their questions about sex.
In it I told a bit of our family’s dynamic, that we’re all pretty open talking about sex in our home. And that I even gave my oldest daughter, Rebecca, a “honeymoon package” with lube and condoms the week before her wedding.
A few commenters took me to task on Facebook for that, and several asked how Rebecca felt about that.
Since Becca has written here before, I thought I’d ask her to do so again! Becca’s going to let you know what we did to make talking about sex a little less awkward for her. Let’s go!
When I was ten, my mom told me about sex.
I thought it was really weird. I had a hard time looking at my mom for the rest of the day.
For most of my friends, that awkward silence didn’t stop. They just never felt comfortable talking to their parents about sex–it was way too weird.
That wasn’t the case for my sister and me. Sure, it was awkward for a while, and it wasn’t like I was jumping to talk to my mom about sex. But when it came up, it was easy to talk to them. When I was 15, my mom and I talked about how sad I was that one of my friends had gotten pregnant. In grade 11, my mom and I talked about what I should do when I learned that one of my friends was in a dangerous sexual relationship. At 20 when I was getting married, my mom handed me a bottle of lube and a box of condoms in a “honeymoon package.” Sex was just another part of the conversation.
Unfortunately, not many kids are as comfortable talking to their parents about sex as I was. But it wasn’t all luck-of-the-draw with my family–my parents did some specific things that made our conversations about sex a lot more natural and a lot less cringe-worthy.
The conversations weren’t forced
I have heard so many horror stories of how my friends were told about sex as pre-teens. The formal sit-down “sex talk” where mom or dad tells them exactly how it all works where the kid wants nothing more than to just run far far away. And they really just don’t want to talk about sex ever again because it was just so awkward.
Now, I did have a sit-down “sex-talk,” but it wasn’t forced. My mom took me on a weekend trip when I was ten and we did all sorts of fun things, like go yarn shopping, get ice cream, and explore the university campus where she and dad had met. And at night we sat and listened to a CD course all about puberty and sex. But it was part of a larger weekend that was fun, and sex wasn’t the only thing I was learning about. We also talked about periods, crushes, and other fun things like acne and cramps. Yes, it was very awkward. I still remember just feeling so shocked when I learned, “he puts what… in… where?!” But it had a natural build-up after talking about puberty, and although I was uncomfortable, I didn’t feel like I was forced to be part of this awkward situation. It was just the next part of our weekend.
My sister’s “sex talk” was different. She just asked mom out-right one day, and so mom told her. She’s naturally a bit more brazen than I am. I needed a weekend away. After the first sex talk, though, the conversations were pretty much all initiated by us. Our parents never made us talk about sex if we didn’t want to. Instead, they let us come to them.
My parents didn’t expect us to have a hard time talking about sex
The reason they were able to let us come to them is that they knew that if we had questions, we would ask. Our family is very open about everything, not just sex. And that’s key: you can’t expect kids to want to communicate about sex if your family isn’t good at communicating about other things, too. We knew we could go to our parents with our questions about sex because we could go to them about everything else. So it was natural that we would go to them because that was our routine already.
We talked about a lot of hard things in our family. We talked about grief, about loss, about theology, about substance abuse, and it was all just very normal to be open about these kinds of things. Of course, we also talked about the fun things like our friends or funny videos. But since my parents knew we would come to them with our questions, there was no need for them to worry we wouldn’t talk to them about sex, too. So they waited for us to come to them.
My parents weren’t embarrassing about sex
Yes, my mom handed me a gift bag with condoms and lube in it a few days before my wedding. But she didn’t hand it to me in front of everyone at the house, my future mother-in-law, or my friends. We went out to the car alone and laughed about it together. It wasn’t some huge show, it wasn’t a spectacle. It was like an inside joke between the two of us.
Parents often try to compensate for the awkwardness of talking about sex with your kids by being very loud and boisterous about it, like they’re trying to convince everyone it’s not awkward. Spoiler alert: that doesn’t work. It’s just really embarrassing for your kids.
I had it rough in this area–my mom was a public speaker and author about Christian sex.
Everyone knew that my mom was “the Christian sex lady.” And I got teased about it every now and then. But my mom didn’t make the teasing worse by how she acted–she didn’t joke around with my friends about it, and didn’t advertise the fact that she spoke about sex. She wasn’t ashamed about it, and didn’t try to hide it, but just made sure it wasn’t the center of the conversation for our sakes.
The main trick for not being embarrassing is to have those boundaries. My mom knew that around my friends was not an appropriate place to talk about sex or that side of her job. When I was getting married, she didn’t joke about the honeymoon in front of my friends who may have been more uncomfortable about it than I was. She had boundaries and that helped minimize the embarrassment.
There was never shame surrounding sex
When my parents talked to us about sex, it wasn’t a lecture on why we shouldn’t do it. It wasn’t a lecture on why it was bad, or why it can screw up our entire lives. A lot of Christian kids get this message–you don’t have sex because it’s bad and you don’t want to become impure. Our parents never took that approach. Instead, sex was just another part of life. And like all things in life, there is a right time and a wrong time to do it. Driving is a part of life. It is wrong to drive when you are 13. Sex is a part of life. It is wrong to have sex when you’re not married. But it wasn’t presented as unforgivable, and our virginity was never called “our precious gift.” Sex was more presented as a very good thing that could be unhealthy if you do it too soon. But there were no scare tactics, no shame tactics–just the facts. And a lot of grace.
This mindset really played itself out in the kinds of movies and TV shows we could watch.
My parents were very clear that there was some kinds of sex that were bad, and some kinds that were not. Sex in marriage is not bad. It’s always bad to watch explicit sex scenes, of course, but they were much more lenient when it came to letting us watch movies with sexual content between married characters versus between non-married characters. The same way we were allowed to see the violence in The Lord of the Rings, but not in horror movies. In one, it’s good fighting evil; in the other, it’s just evil and terror for terror’s sake.
Now, we never watched super explicit sex scenes in movies. But our family in general had a very clear mindset that “sex is not bad–it’s just sometimes very unhealthy and can cause brokenness if done in the wrong way.” So if my parents had forgotten about a sex scene in a movie, they didn’t freak out. They just apologized, and we continued with the movie. It wasn’t shameful, it wasn’t a scandal, and it wasn’t a big ordeal. It was just another matter-of-fact conversation.
I think the biggest mistake that parents make when it comes to talking about sex with their kids is that they blow it way out of proportion.
Sex is just a part of life. Yes, it’s a very important part of life, but when you make it a bigger deal than it has to be, or get spooked yourself when talking about it, kids can become really uncomfortable. And it makes sex seem shameful. Making sex into a huge, scary monster makes us kids a lot less willing to talk about it openly, or ask you our questions. Because we don’t want our parents to be disappointed in us.
Instead of worrying about it too much or analyzing everything to death, just talk about it. Just be open and honest and give your kids a safe space to come and ask their questions. And they’ll thank you for it in the end.
Thanks, Rebecca!
Now, what do you think? Can you make sex more natural to talk about with your kids? What’s your biggest takeaway? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
So…..when does becca’s book come out? I can not wait to read it!! This is SO good. I have a 4 and 6 year old and theese are the kinds of things we want to do. It is really comforting to hear from her perspective. And incredibly encouraging and hopeful to see that it can go GOOD.
🙂 Her book’s out next October we hope! Make sure you’re signed up to my newsletters because I’ll send out a huge email blast when it’s out! 🙂
I’m so glad you liked it, Mandy!! And yes, my book is coming out next year! It’s not on this topic per se, but it’s about why I didn’t rebel and honestly the communication chapter is about talking about sex as it is anything else. 🙂 So subscribe and you’ll be notified!
Rebecca Lindenbach recently posted…How to Organize Your Notes To Stay Productive
Oh good! I’ve been subscribed to “to love honour and vaccume” for about 4 years and I LOVE it, and have recently signed up for “life as a dare” after reading the article about why you didn’t rebel as a teenager. I’ve been keeping my eyes open for the book to come out, and it sounds like I won’t miss it!
Wonderful! 🙂 Yes I will definitely be sending out many emails when the book is on shelves! So you won’t miss it! 🙂
It’s a part of life like driving – there’s an appropriate time for it. That about sums it up.
Children take their cues from parents.
We talked about everything with our children also; things got awkward at times but didn’t stay that way.
Our backgrounds were not of the Christian Conservative stereotype so we never bought into the whole sex is bad thing.
Of course there is age appropriateness to be concerned with – but you just find creative ways to share until you know they can handle more.
I guess being a country girl, we learn stuff like that early. And it’s seen as much more natural, I guess, when you’ve dealt with farm animals being bred purposefully and relatives that have 10 kids each to help take care of the farms, lol. I had a friend get pregnant at 12 years old so that pretty much scared me into not having sex until college, at least.
I’m curious about the dynamic between mother and son in this way. I have a son (1yr old, so we have a bit) but I don’t want to leave it up to my husband entirely. Obviously it would be different because of the gender difference. A young child wouldn’t feel odd asking mom or dad questions, but as they grow and become teenagers it just seems likely that they would gravitate towards the parents of the same gender. What was your husband’s role in the conversations with your daughters?
I genuinely appreciate yall handling these tough topics!
For me personally, like I said in the post my mom did the majority of the educational side of it. But my dad wasn’t ashamed to talk about sex. He was pretty open telling me when a song or a poem (we read a lot of poetry) were talking about sex, and when we watched movies as a family that applied to him, as well. In general we were just a really open family so talking about it wasn’t taboo. But I do think it’s more awkward when it’s the opposite sex explaining the mechanics of it all–so Dad was just more part of the ongoing conversation about “my friend got pregnant and I’m really heartbroken” and just general discussions about how sad it is that so many people get so hurt when they allow themselves to be used sexually in high school.
Too long, didn’t read version: Mom handled the specifics, Dad and I talked about general implication aspects of it.
Very insightful. Thanks for your response!
I agree with most of what Becca said. But, in my opinion 10 is way too late.
The average first exposure to pornography is 9 now. Bigger cousins and brothers sometimes think it’s funny to tell 6 year olds stuff that they’ve heard/ seen/ surmised (probably faulty information).
You REALLY don’t want your kids finding out that way. You just can’t afford to wait that long anymore. I guess it was different for you since the internet wasn’t as pervasive, smartphones wasn’t a thing and you guys home-schooled.
We pretty much knew the physiological basics by the time we were 5. Because my dad insisted on reading the “big” Bible with us. And my mom got pregnant when I was five. But she didn’t make a big production out of it. It was just the facts of life. She had these adorable little pop up books that explained growing up and puberty and how babies are made, how they grow and everything up to aging in it. We didn’t care about the sex part, we just wanted to lift the flap on the mummy’s tummy to look at the baby.
I don’t really remember asking my mom questions. She sometimes brought it up and stuff, to the point that we were like, mom would you please quit with the sex. Jeez. We KNOW.
I read the books when I had questions. Like all of the marriage books around the house. And my mom’s biology textbooks, and her substance abuse books and her human sexuality textbook. I like books.
Such a good point. I was 10 almost 12 years ago now–the internet has changed a lot since then! I didn’t even have a personal laptop when I first learned about sex. I think that’s why it’s so important to communicate with your child openly about everything–because then when a kid starts learning about sex, you might get a bit of a hint that it’s starting to be talked about among friend groups or the like. It’s about knowing what your kid’s environment is, like with everything else 🙂
Oh I like this article! My kids are still little (8 & 5), so we haven’t got there yet but I’m really interested to hear success stories like yours. I grew up with the really unhealthy “sex is bad” total ban and over-reaction to movies etc, so I’m ready to learn differently! We’ve been working on the openness and willingness to discuss anything and everything with the kids, hoping that leads into some good conversations as they grow up. Thanks for the encouragement – I think we’re heading in the right direction 🙂
I had a talk with our kids, ages 9, 6,and 4 about periods. Our youngest is still nursing, and i didn’t get a periods until he was 15 months old. When it came back, i didn’t want them to come in and see blood and freak out.
i told them what blood in your body is for, (oxygen, nutrients, taking away waste) and then that babies need special blood. They already knew about female anatomy from when i was pregnant. So i told them babies need special blood, but every month, its no longer good, just like when you get a cut. If you get a cut, you don’t put it back into your body. So your body gets rid of it and tries again next month.
After this whole conversation, my 9 year old boy asked if the baby eats the blood. I explained about blood vessels and all that. But after, it was fine. No one was traumatized. It was really not that bad at all. I mentioned this to my cousin. She said its because female anatomy is taboo. That made me sad. We teach our kids to be afraid of their bodies, especially girls. I’m trying really hard to be upfront and honest with my kids so they don’t get the same hang ups that other people have.
I love this article! When you mentioned giving the gift in the car, I laughed because that’s where my oldest girl has gotten all of her “questions” answered. We have kept a general dialogue over the last years as she has become a tween and looking forward to being a teen. She waits til we leave dad, brother, and her two sisters at home and asks random things she wants to know when we go out grocery shopping or running errands. It’s a good, positive time to drive around, listen to Christian music and enjoy time together while we talk about whatever’s on her heart. I hope we continue these easy conversations with all my kids. 🙂
That’s too funny you mentioned the car–I’m writing a book on why I didn’t rebel as a teen currently and I did a ton of interviews and almost everyone I talked to said that the car was the place they had those conversations with their mom or dad! Maybe there’s something about it! Too funny!
My Grandma used to say that the car was the best place for tricky discussions because neither party can retreat. You both have to address your feelings together and work through the issue together!
And it doesn’t require eye contact! Haha.
Great article, thanks! I, like Becca, am really thankful that I had open communication with my Mom about everything, and that included sex. My parents did a great job of talking about sex all through our lives, in age appropriate ways. When reading the Bible and parts with Adam and Eve and others having children, it was talked about as a “special ways God made husbands and wives to be together and to be close and that’s how children are made”. Later, little by little, as appropriate, more details were filled in. My Dad was frank about sex in nature, the “strong drive” that sex is and my parents pointed out ways it was harmful when taken out of context. They spoke with us frankly about why the powerful good of sex could be harmful in the wrong scenarios. I appreciate that we learned early on that 1) sex is special 2) sex is powerful and good 3) sex is made by God (not people who twist it, it’s HIS IDEA!).
One resource I’d like to recommend is a radio program on Revive Our Hearts. Nancy Demoss Wolgemuth interviewed Josh McDowell. Although I may not agree with every nuance of what he said, I really appreciate that he said sex education is not a one time conversation: it’s an ongoing, age appropriate education on the goodness of God and all He has made. He covered things like early exposure to porn (something I was glad to be made more aware of). It’s just a great resource for further thinking. You can listen free or read the transcript free on the site:
https://www.reviveourhearts.com/series/raising-children-heart-purity-josh-mcdowell/
Thanks so much, Sheila and Rebecca! Awesome job. I wish girls in the church had a better, positive, God-glorifying view of their bodies and sex that better prepared them to share about how good God is and to better enjoy being married when that time comes. I myself was a virgin on my wedding night. I am thankful for all the conversations I had with my Mom that prepared me to enjoy married life. I also really appreciated Sheila’s book (Good Girls’ Guide to Great Sex!). I read it before my wedding day and followed up with more conversations with my Mom (even at the age of…well, over 30, we still enjoy these!). God is great; God is good. He made sex great and good. What a great gift we can give to our children by passing on to them how good and great He made the gift of sex!
This is so fabulous! And honestly, very much how these conversations work in my home. So if anyone’s reading and thinking, “But I have BOYS,” I can honestly say as a mother of two sons that you can also have healthy, ongoing, supportive conversations about sex. And if you establish a safe and non-embarrassing atmosphere, your sons will talk to you.
Of course, it won’t be the same. (I sometimes say, “I don’t know. Talk to your dad, because I don’t have that equipment.”) But it can be supportive and good.
Thanks so much to Rebecca for being brave and sharing her story. And many blessings for a long and happy marriage!
So true, J, about boys. When I was interviewing for my book on teenage rebellion a lot of the guys I talked to who didn’t rebel were able to have those conversations both with their moms and with their dads. It’s all about creating a family environment where honesty and openness is encouraged, not punished by parents clamping down or getting angry for kids being curious or asking questions.
I’m so glad you liked it 🙂
Rebecca and Sheila this piece is AMAZING, I cannot tell you how useful it is. My husband and I are not from Christian backgrounds, we found faith together. We have 3 children and our eldest son is nearly 7. We have always said we’ll be open about things and stress that friendship and love are more important at a young age than physical sex. I use reusable sanitary products and have answered all questions about these in an age appropriate way. However, this article feels like the missing piece of the puzzle! My parents are divorced and my Mum had many painters and addiction problems. I lived with her until I was 8. She had already told me the biological fundamentals, but worse than this, had framed a lot of relationships in the context of being “pleasing” to men. For example, don’t have short hair because men only like long hair! When I moved with my Dad and Step Mum they had a much more stiff upper lip (we’re British btw) attitude to sex, making things SUPER awkward. My husband on the flip side had very mixed messages. At around 12 his father gave him some explicit magazines and films and told him that they would “teach him all he needed to know”. However, his Dad’s dating advice was to pick a “nice” girl and settle down in His 20s. His Mum encouraged him to play the field. Without Jesus working in our marriage the area of sex would be very broken! It is great to be given so many tools in one article to reflect on and to be able to build up a strong foundation for our children. Thank you both so much!
My opinion is that age 10 is far too old. Age 5 or 6 is better so that you can be sure of being “first contact.” I was first exposed to a porn magazine and “romance” novels in third grade. At my very small parochial school. And this was long before the internet. By the time my mom talked to me at age 10, she was behind the times, in my opinion.
At a young age, there isn’t awkwardness. It’s just another thing you’re learning from mom.
As a dad of 6 kids, I find a really wide range of reactions stemming from their different personalities. We have kids who are as comfortable talking about it with us as we are, some that are really not comfortable at all but fine talking about it with us (but are fine talking about it with their Bishop since he isn’t her parent) and kids who will act grossed out over some mild innuendo but also at times encourage us to go do it.
Dear Sheila, God gave us marriage for two specific purposes, in the following order.
Firstly: The procreation and education of children.
Secondly: The mutual help and support of the spouses.
If the first purpose is set aside, then this offends Him, because it is a rejection of His order and plan.
It violates Natural Law, because it separates the purpose of a thing from its natural means. So like all other sin, it is first an offence against God, and secondly it violates the natural order He built into creation.
Contraception creates a mentality on a massive, society-wide scale, that sex is primarily for recreation. While not everyone thinks like this individually, it is the general tendency.
This opens up the door for the wide social acceptance of homosexuality, the breakdown of marriage (its whole point undermined), pornography etc.
It also creates the abortion mentality. Where it has been decided in advance that a baby’s arrival would be the end of the world. When the Condom breaks, a more drastic approach, i.e, an abortion is undertaken.
It also allows for married people to take more chances in extra marital affairs, because the chances of getting caught by having a baby are eliminates.
Further, it can lead a man to view his wife as a mere object whose purpose is to provide him with friction to enable an orgasm. Not everyone thinks like this of course, but in a godless age, women end up being treated like trash because of widespread errors and violation of God’s law.
God made us fertile. He commanded us to be fruitful and multiply, to fill the earth. Contraception simply rejects this command for marriage. A couple using contraception are withholding some of the love they ought to give to their spouse. The love they withhold is the love of their spouses fertility. Remember, fertility is a gift from God, and He has attached an incredibly powerful purpose which He expects us to use and enjoy. We are not allowed to seperate the pleasure part from the final purpose part.
My wife and I have lots of kids. God provides for all of them. We have a very happy and spicy marriage and it is never bound up in the worry that we might fall pregnant another time. We throw caution to the wind, laugh at the stupid and faithless world, and have a great time, every time.
You may want to rethink your position on contraception. I switched views many years ago after looking into it. We may not like to admit it, but everyone knows the teaching of the Catholic Church in this issue, and I firmly believe that they have this teaching on the purpose of marriage, sex and the intrinsic evil of contraception absolutely 100% correct.
It was one of the great, great joys of our married life to learn that God had a plan for us and our family. He wants children, new human beings who will exist for all eternity, to come into the world through us. We don’t know the reasons or specific plans He has for them, and frankly, it’s none of our business. We are here to serve Him, and by being married, that means that every single marital embrace must be open to the possibility of new life being generated. No contraception, no withdrawal, no planning this day over that to avoid conception. God wants us to have lots of kids, and in His infinite goodness, He had provided the most excellent incentive and reward!
Mr. G., thank you for your comment, and I do respect your position. I’m glad that people are truly honouring God and trusting God.
However, we just see things differently. For instance, you said that there should be “no planning this day over that to avoid conception.” Yet God, in His mercy, gave us very specific signs as to when we are fertile so that we COULD do just that. If He intended for us to never control how many kids we had, then He wouldn’t have given us the signs for ovulation (temperature changes, cervical mucous changes, hormonal changes) that He did that are relatively easy to measure. Even in the developing world women have been using cervical mucous changes for centuries to know when ovulation occurs and when their fertile periods are. So I think we shall see differently on this particular one, while I’m glad that we both agree that we should be honouring God and serving God with our whole lives–and even with our marriages.
That’s a thoughtful insight Sheila. It is interesting that after my comment, there is nothing that can really be said in defense of artificial birth control. I wouldn’t want to have to defend it!
There is some small leeway however, regarding the natural cycle of a woman, and this was provided by God.
But even in this, if a couple uses the natural cycle to avoid children in principle, then it is obvious that they had no businesses getting married in the first place.
Remember that God’s design for marriage is firstly for procreation and education of children, and the mutual support and help of the spouses is second place.
So in God’s design, which we can know through both revelation and nature, children are the point of the marital act.
Spacing children using natural fertility cycles – and only for serious reasons – is one thing.
Using a condom, a physical barrier to the generation of life that God wants to create, is an entirely different moral issue, and a serious violation of God’s law.
He has joined the porcreative and the unitive aspects in the one marital act, and it gravely offends Him when we seperate one aspect from the other.
Pills destroy the God given fertility of a woman at its very core, and either stop ovulation, or if conception occurs, has a back up by causing the child to be aborted by stopping implantation. The pill causes abortions.
Vasectomy and tubal ligation are physical mutilations of the bodies which God gave us, one which He Himself took on when He became one of us.
All very serious moral issues, which will cause one to find themselves losing heaven over.
Unless someone is married then they have no business talking about, looking at or having sex.
If a couple is married, then they have absolutely no business using contraception. If they refuse to stop using it, after considering these serious matters, or refuse to consider them at all, then they should never have gotten married in the first place.
I know this is an upset to many folks, but in light of what God says, and by observing nature and using God- given reason, we arrive at the right position, and then we are bound to act on it. People say they have faith, then act in contradiction to it.
Thanks again Sheila. You have a talent for writing in the way you do and I enjoy your articles.
I really don’t want to argue the morality of birth control here, Mr. G, because I do so appreciate the ardent Catholics who are on this blog, and I welcome them, and I believe that we see eye to eye on 98% of things.
However, I’d just ask that as I respect Catholics and really don’t want to argue with you, that you also respect that there are those here who don’t see as you do, and take this argument somewhere else. I just have known so many women who have been so weighed down and hurt by guilt over not wanting any more children, and I would really prefer that the comment section not be guilt inducing for them!
I really don’t want to argue here, because I just don’t think this is a fruitful discussion and it will cause more division than anything for my blog readers. So let’s just end this here, okay? And please don’t judge those who see differently than you do. Birth control is not in the Apostle’s Creed or the 10 Commandments, and so is not a tenet of the faith, and is not a reason to judge anyone else’s faith. It is a personal conviction, and I respect those who have it, just as I would ask that you would respect those who do not.