Is sacred sex the opposite of steamy sex?
This week on To Love, Honor and Vacuum we’re going to be looking at how God made sex to be awesome (this is going to be a fun week!). I’m going to start it off a little differently, though. Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. This week’s isn’t a question–it’s a criticism that was left for me when I wrote the post on sexy questions to ask your husband.
A reader writes:
I’ve read more of your posts than I’ve read any other Christian writer. I even own your 31 Days book. I hope that by saying this you’ll see that this is not left casually, especially since I can tell you take your comments to heart.
I want to say that I find that your blog headlines are very sensational and are reminiscent of a Christian version of a Cosmo mag. Making statements like, “because marriage should be steamy!” is a dangerous thing to do. Marriage should be sacred. Sacred sex is not always “steamy” – in fact I think that description alone is the dangerous part as it is a contemporary word we often see used to describe scandalous, depraved sex.
I have read SO much of your writing. I recall your mentioning accidentally buying “panties that came up to your navel” in another post, and feeling old and frumpy, and that was the day I thought I wasn’t sure about your writing anymore.
Please, Sheila, I am urging you to consider that your message may be more influential than you think, and that it borders on the very things you say you abhor. Slapping a Christian stance on articles about dirty talk and lingerie can give a confusing message.
I am married. Our sex is absolutely glorious and I am always orgasmic thank God. But I own no special undies, I slip no dirty notes in his briefcase, and we do not experiment with strange positions. I just LOVE him so much, and I recognize that he and I are in a covenant -one shared flesh-, so experiencing sex with him, inside that understanding, is on a level that no pair of red lace superthongs will ever achieve.
Please, please consider your influence, and think hard about how you describe “normal” sex in a Christian marriage. Not everyone has to spice anything up to experience truly Holy Amazing Lovemaking.
I really appreciate the heart behind that comment. I think this woman honestly DOES have great sex, and she’s worried that we’re emphasizing sex in a way that isn’t godly but is actually worldly. So I’d like to address these concerns today, because I think they’re important ones. And I appreciate, too, her heart and her manner in writing this, because it wasn’t a personal attack. It was simply a concern that she had.
So let’s look at it!
Is steamy sex the same as worldly sex?
She seems to be setting up a dichotomy with “dirty talk”, lingerie, flirting, and different positions on one hand, and covenant, one-shared flesh on the other hand.
Is this a fair distinction?
To figure that out, let’s do a little bit of history.
One of the biggest theological struggles that Christians have had throughout two thousand years is the idea that the body is bad and the soul is good.
This isn’t actually a Christian idea; it came from the Greeks, and it somehow seeped into the Christian church. Certainly Paul talks about the flesh being bad, but he didn’t mean the body itself; he meant the sinful nature, which is actually inside of us. And so too often Christians have seen passion or anything that is “base” as being against God.
Actually, the opposite is true. Passion is of God; life is of God. It is boredom, lethargy, emptiness that is not of God.
It is not that the “soul” is somehow better than experiences here and now in the flesh; they are all a part of who we are. The fact that Jesus came and took on human flesh meant that He redeemed human flesh. The fact that we will have resurrected bodies means that the body is important. The fact that Jesus did so many miracles that were primarily physical, rather than just spiritual, means that He cares about the physical, and that the physical and spiritual are intertwined. So let’s not believe this false dichotomy.
But isn’t there such a thing as sacred sex?
Absolutely, there is. But I think we misunderstand what it actually means.
If I were to ask you to define sacred sex, I think people would say something about, “sex where you show absolute love to one another; sex where you solidify the one flesh covenant.” It would be about the feelings the two of you have for each other and the meaning behind sex.
But how did God actually make sex?
Take the female orgasm, for instance. It serves no real purpose other than pure pleasure. And at the height of orgasm we completely lose control. We can’t think clearly. We simply experience. And, in fact, the inability to turn one’s brain off and just experience is one of the hindrances to achieving orgasm.
C.S. Lewis wrote that at the height of sexual pleasure, in a way you cease being yourself and you almost become primal–just Man and Woman. All the things that make you essentially YOU disappear, because you can’t think, you can’t even act, all you can do is experience. And perhaps God made it that way to show us that when we are united with Him, it is not something that we can control. It is about being carried away by Him.
Sacred sex, then, isn’t about an absence of passion but rather an intimate knowledge of one another at the height of passion. And it’s something where we really do lose control.
Let’s remember the three-fold nature of sacred sex: Physical, emotional, and spiritual.
I spent most of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex explaining this: God made sex not to be primarily physical, but also spiritual (where you feel like you’re one) and emotional (where you just plain have fun together and love each other). And the neat thing is that they all feed each other. The more intimate you are, the more your body will respond physically. Sex was meant to be both hot and holy at the same time!
But that also means that all three facets of sex are good. None is better than the other.
I believe that something isn’t right sexually if it emphasizes one aspect of sex while stealing from another aspect of sex. That’s why I’ve spoken out so loudly about so many things.
I’ve also written posts showing why I think these things can be harmful (please read them for more context!):
- Pornography (over 99 articles and counting!)
- Erotica like 50 Shades of Grey
- Taking sexy photos for your husband
- Christians and sex toys (or sex toy parties)
- Masturbation in marriage
I agree with this commenter that we do sometimes forget the profound beauty of sex. In fact, I shared one of my most personal stories in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, about the night that my son died. My husband and I turned to each other then, and it had nothing to do with wanting to have an orgasm or wanting to feel aroused; it was simply that I had a gaping wound that needed to be touched, and he did, too. That was a beautiful experience. It was something very difficult to share, and I didn’t want to, because it was really personal. But I knew it was important. And now, when I give my Girl Talk, I share that memory, too–and pretty much universally everyone cries.
The spiritual aspect of sex is vital.
But at the same time, de-emphasizing the physical aspect of sex is not healthy, either.
While we’d all agree that things which steal from spiritual intimacy are wrong, we’re far less likely to see that things that steal from physical intimacy are also wrong.
This woman accused me of promoting things that were “dirty”, for instance. Yet in the post that she was writing about, the only thing I was ever advising women to do was to start conversations about what their husbands found sexy or to talk about what they’ve enjoyed sexually. I never advocated profanity, weird fantasies, or anything.
I think we often forget how “base” Song of Solomon actually is. The majority of the time that the lovers are declaring what they admire about each other it is mostly on very physical terms. It isn’t about feeling holy together; it is about wanting each other. He talks about her breasts, her hips, even her genitals. So does she! If my post was dirty, then the entire book of Song of Solomon is dirty, too.
She also seems to equate “dirty” with lingerie or with different positions, because we’re to fight against how the world sees sex.
Yes, we are to be the enemy of the world. But sometimes I think Christians fight so hard to be an enemy of the world that we equate anything resembling passion and fun with the world, and anything resembling seriousness with God.
Yet that is not in line with how God created sex. He created it to help us lose control, to help us enjoy our physical bodies, to help us feel the height of pleasure.
Flirting with your husband, or drawing attention to a certain part of your body in front of your husband, is not being “dirty”, nor is it emphasizing the physical over the other aspects of sex. It’s emphasizing the emotional connection, too, because my husband is the only one who is allowed to see this side of me. So when I do that, it cements our friendship because it’s like a little secret. It makes us laugh together!
No one needs to wear lingerie or try new positions to have great sex.
I completely believe that this woman has great sex without thongs or without different positions. And you know what? If they’re both having fun and enjoying it and loving each other, then that is great!
But most of us could do with a good push in a more “sexy” direction because we’re not comfortable with our bodies. We’re not comfortable in our own skin. We’re not comfortable with just having fun when we make love. And so we’re living our sexual lives with a lot of insecurity. And when we’re insecure, it’s much easier to label things “dirty” and ignore them than it is to address why we’re so scared.
What I want to look at this week is how to get rid of a lot of that insecurity and open yourself up for passion–which really is sacred sex (and also steamy sex!). I hope this made some sense, and I hope you enjoy taking this journey with me as we look tomorrow at 10 amazing and surprising things about how God made sex, and then look at how we can become more sexually confident.
But for today, what do you think? Is sacred sex the same as steamy sex? Where do you draw the line?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
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I wonder what this woman’s husband thinks. Maybe he =would= like to see a red lace thong once in a while.
Perhaps–but I think she approached the matter with a lot of grace, and I think it’s likely best if we take her at her word that their sex life is great. 🙂
True, we should take it at HER word that HER sex life is great. We actually didn’t hear anything from HIM. We do hear, however, a muted undertone in her comment that suggests she may very well “wear the pants” in their sexual relationship.
As a man, I like your approach better. Prolonged conversation is, as they say, the best aphrodisiac. If her husband is as happy as she is, more power to them. I just hope they’ve discussed it!
This ^
After 10 years of marriage and 3 kids, I’ll take all the “steamy” suggestions I can get! Honestly, when I put effort into the physical preparation for sex (freshen up my makeup or throw on some lingerie) it does way more for me mentally than it does for my husband physically.
Also, I had the same thought as John ^^ 🙂
Yes to this!: “it does way more for me mentally than it does for my husband physically.” That’s what I want to talk about this week about being a sexually confident woman! We need that confidence to be mentally prepared.
Even though I read alot here, I haven’t commented in quite a long time. But I’d just like to say “WOW!” to the reader’s original email. That was SO well written and thoughtful – far different from most other so-called “constructive criticism” that bloggers normally receive. She made her point and was very polite in the way she stated her concern. Love it!
Sheila, I think you responded pretty well to the whole thing – kudos!
~Jason
I know! I was actually very appreciative. She sounded very genuine and very kind, and her heart is in the right place, and I wish all internet discussions were like this!
THIS, meaning original post, AND response are RIGHT on target. I personally learned much.😉
I was going to suggest the same thing, that perhaps her way of sex works fine for her, but has she ever asked her husband what he would like?? Being raised in a very religious conservative setting, I have no doubt that there are plenty of men and women in those settings who crave more passion and “spice”, but they also have somewhat good sex lives. The reason why they don’t go for more spice is because they think its worldly, just as you said. I think it’s primarily a lack of freedom. I’d like to say to her, “I’m so glad you’re having good sex! but don’t stop there, because it can be so much better!!” I can personally attest that the more freedom I have experienced in my walk with God, the more he has freed me from religious mindsets, and the more he heals deep places of me, the more steamy our sex life has become!! It’s not that it ever was bad, it’s just that, if there’s ways to make it better and there’s nothing God has to say against it, you might be surprised how much more stupendous it can become. It starts by becoming free in Christ, it really does. And in knowing our incredible identity in HIM. And for me, freedom to be sensual in bed with my husband has actually propelled me into more freedom in my walk with God as well. It goes both ways.
SUCH a great point! “And for me, freedom to be sensual in bed with my husband has actually propelled me into more freedom in my walk with God as well. It goes both ways.”
You and I think so much alike–because that’s the topic for one of this week’s blog posts, how our spirituality and sexuality are so intimately connected, and how when we’re missing passion in one we’re often missing it in another, and the root is often a misunderstanding of who God is and how He sees us. I love how we’re on the same wavelength!
Wow, yes! I’m so excited to read it!! For the first 6 years of our marriage sex was good. But more recently both of us have really grown in our relationships with God and our sex life has taken on new freedom and sizzle. ? There’s nothing that turns me on so much as sitting on the couch with my husband, praying and reading or discussing God’s Word together. Or when he prays a quick prayer over me before he leaves for work when I wake up with a headache. I haven’t actually told him this yet because honestly I think he would think it’s a bit strange. ? So much of it started with me intentionally praying for him to know God and be known by Him. It drew me to God, but it also drew me to my husband. And drew him to God as well! I don’t mean to sound over simplistic, because I know marriages out there that are experiencing very hard things through no fault of their own, necessarily. But I am very excited to read more about the spiritual side of sex, because it’s left out in so much sex talk, even in the church. Or perhaps especially in the church.
Also I want to add that I think you handled the comment from the reader very well.
Thank you! And I know what you mean about prayer–when I hear my hubby pray for my girls, that totally does it for me. But I think it makes sense, because in prayer we’re being totally vulnerable and allowing each other to see the longing of our hearts. When we do that, we feel emotionally and spiritually close, which triggers the sexual pull. It really does all go together! It’s kinda cool.
“So much of it started with me intentionally praying for him to know God and be known by Him.”
Thank you for saying this. That is my heart for my husband in prayer, but you put it into words. I have been praying that he desire God’s Word and God’s presence, but the essence of my desire is that he know and be known by God.
It just struck me and touched my heart. I will be intentional about praying that. Thanks again!
🙂 So cool.
I love your articles! As a Christian woman and Pastor’s wife-it’s great to not feel ashamed for having a great sex life. It’s a taboo subject with Christians. It shouldn’t be-God created sex for marriage. I will ( when they are old enough) talk to my daughters about how sex between a man and wife is wonderful and worth waiting for. When you watch tv shows, married couples always make fun of/joke about how little sex they get or how quick it is etc. Even our non Christian friends do. And it’s true for most! Married sex can be often, sensual, exciting, AND holy all at the same time. Thank you for your articles. I share them on my Facebook page every time!
Thanks so much for sharing them on Facebook, Rebecca! That means more to me than you know.
I saw the point above that many Christians fear getting too worldly with their married sex lives. But, that is just backwards!!! Sex is meant for marriage! God created sex for within marriage. All that stuff that happens outside of marriage (except for the hurtful stuff, of course) is SUPPOSED to happen within marriage.
I was once told that Christian wives should not wear lingerie because worldly women do and it would tempt our husbands toward sins of the flesh rather than covenant sex. But, read Song of Solomon! ? Sex in marriage isn’t supposed to be Puritan missionary through a hole in the sheet for procreation! Make it ?!
I MISS steamy sex!!!! When we do make love, it’s making love, which is great! Don’t get me wrong! It’s taken us a decade to get to real intimacy. But boy do I miss some passionate hot stuff. It’s hard to get to that point when sex is only once in 3 months. I’ve got the 31 days book. I just need the courage to get my husband to read it with me.
I hear you, Angie! I hope he’ll be receptive to the idea, too.
Angie, my husband and I are reading the book together, and I feel he was reluctant to start reading it. Now 21 days in, HE is the one who says, “okay let’s read our book and get ready for bed!”
Here’s what worked for me. First I read “The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex”. One point that rang true for me was that I had put myself in the “gatekeeper” role for years. I told my husband that I was truly sorry for all those times that he had to wait patiently for me to say yes to sex. I told him about the book I had read, and told him that there was another book written just for couples. I took a “what do we have to lose?” approach, and said yes, sex is good now, but we’re approaching an empty nest and have hopefully another 20-some years together. Why not try taking those years from good to great?
Best of luck to you in starting the book. Your hubby will thank you!
And kudos for the very polite discussion started by this reader! Don’t get much of THAT on the internet! Lol.
Absolutely!
I must have missed where you bought panties that went up to your navel by mistake. That type of underwear is the only type I feel comfortable in! Has been since forever! I was teased in high school gym class while changing and I have bought different types of underwear to see if my feelings have changed. And they haven’t. My granny panties are what I wear and my husband prefers to see me without any on! LOL
I started wearing huge panties after my son was born and I never stopped. They are so much more comfortable, and same as you with the husband.
Okay, I totally hate thongs. Never understood the appeal of those! But I have to admit–I hate panties that almost come up to my navel. They just feel so weird! 🙂
Grew up wearing “up to the navel”s (I’m very long-waisted.) Got married, tried bikinis, went “Wow!” and only go back a few days out of the month. xD
I am a man through and through … I like (ok — LOVE) thongs and other lacey alluring under garments — mostly because of what they imply is about to happen (its a “sure thing” mode) and how much they hilite or reveal the one who garners my affections! A thong can help boost that confidence because of its strong association with end game, and her husband gets the FULL picture — it burns on his brain! — FOREVER! — this type of encounter keeps sinful images/thoughts OUT! — no better, or Godly, visual recall for a husband than to have an image of his wife, erotically presenting herself, burned deeply into his memory banks — simply nothing will take that away!
Ultimately, its the presenting of your (the wife’s) body and the confidence of doing it is what a husband wants (needs) to see and experience — the attire is an enhancement (but not the root of the need/desire) tailored with his considerations in mind.
That said … ANY panty a wife wears can (and should — IMO) be used to burn those erotic images for husbands who enjoy visual arousal (which is a large majority)! Hey, as I said, its really *not* the panty — its the person wearing them (the loved wife) AND how the wife uses them in those moments to arouse her visually driven husband! … So, if you are comfy, and confident, in belly button high panties USE THEM EFFECTIVELY!!! … turn around, pull, stretch, tease, entice, arch, project — it all works wonders!
I too am enjoying how peaceful this discussion is. 🙂
Something I had to remind myself of often at the beginning of my marriage is that feeling sexy, allowing myself to be sexy in front of my husband, wearing sexy underwear–having sexual freedom–belonged to married intimacy long before it every belonged to porn or erotica. God gave sexual freedom as a gift to marriage, and THEN porn/Hollywood/erotica stole it. So I don’t ever have to feel bad for having sexual freedom, because even if porn is most known for exploiting sex, sex belonged to me first!!
all I can say is keep the steamy stuff coming. I agree maybe her husband would have a different view on it. that is just old church talk that has contributed to Christian divorce rates as high or higher vs the secular population
You’re right, that is a Greek philosophy that I think Gnostic groups hold: in my opinion this articlw gets an A+ 🙂
Exactly! It was the big gnostic heresy that was rampant in the church in the early years, but infected so much theology even into the Middle Ages. Really sad!
I think Christians get confused sometimes. They think lingerie and different positions and looking at each other naked and talking about what they like are somehow worldly because unmarried couples are out there doing those things in the world and that’s wrong. But what’s wrong about people in the world doing that isn’t the lingerie or the positions or talking about sex. What’s wrong is that they’re doing all those good things in the wrong context – outside marriage. And it’s the wrong context that makes those things wrong.
As for the common idea that wearing sexy lingerie or doing spicy things will make a husband want something worldly, I think the Bible and experience say the opposite. The Bible tells married couples to satisfy each other so that the temptations of the world will be less tempting. It tells husbands to be enamored with their wives and let her breasts excite him so that they won’t be lusting after other women. Seeing his wife in something sexy might increase his appetite for that kind of thing, but it will be doing that kind of thing WITH HIS WIFE that he wants. Every sexy encounter with his wife turns his heart more towards her to fulfill his desires. That’s the way it is supposed to be.
So well said, Lindsay!
Lindsay~ thank you for your wise and biblical insights; imo, what you’ve written best summarizes much of the guidance from Songs and Proverbs. Haven’t most of us tried the repressive views from the past where silence and shame too often characterized our unhappy and unfulfilled sex lives?
“Every sexy encounter with his wife turns his heart more towards her to fulfill his desires.” Amen!
I want to understand this reader’s letter better and where she is coming from. I’m curious when she says she and her husband don’t experiment with different positions…
Sheila, what is it about different sex positions that would make a Christian see it as wrong, or something to avoid?
I wonder about that, too. I think it’s a combination of three things: Women feeling as if they have to be “proper” and in control at all times, so they can’t really let themselves go; women feeling as if sex was created for men, and so if they feel passion they’re somehow being ungodly; and the perception that since pornography and our culture is so very, very wrong, we start to label anything they do as wrong–even if it’s healthy. We run too far in the opposite direction, rather than rejecting the porn but approving of fun sex.
I never ever wear lingerie because my husband spent most of our marriage addicted to porn & lingerie sites were a huge part of that. Lingerie is a traumatic trigger for me.
We hardly ever have sex now and I’m Ok with that. Yes I’ve read all your posts, had counselling etc. But sex is something that’s not part of my life and I’m always fascinated to read about married couples who enjoy it.
You might be okay with hardly ever having sex, but what about your husband? He probably isn’t so happy about that. Plus, even if you’re happy without sex, you’re still missing out on a wonderful thing God intended you to have to make your marriage strong. It’s worthwhile to work on this part of your marriage. Sex is an inherent part of marriage, not an optional add-on. Don’t deprive your husband and yourself of this beautiful thing or set you and your husband up for temptation by refusing to engage in marital intimacy. You don’t have to include lingerie if you don’t want to, but you can’t just leave out sex.
Lindsay, it would seem my husband thinks porn and lust is an ‘optional add on’ to marriage.
Don’t you dare point the finger at me thank you very much. And don’t write posts about horrendous traumatic things you obviously know nothing about. My husband is ‘quite happy’ living in his world of lust.
Bridget, I totally understand your pain. And I think that if your husband is using porn, then that absolutely needs to be addressed before you look at your sex life, absolutely. The only thing I’d say is that I do agree with Lindsay that if you settle for no sex, you’re missing out on so much, and so is he. So it may seem comfortable to let your husband do what he wants and you withdraw. But in the end, you’re settling for so little! What would happen instead if you drew some very firm boundaries and really addressed the porn use and worked on healing, so that perhaps your sex life could resume? I think that’s the point. It’s not that you should have sex now; but that settling for this really destructive situation isn’t healthy either. I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this. I can imagine the pain. And I really pray that you can both emerge from this whole.
Well said Sheila.
I have never commented before, but I have to share this. After 17 years of marriage dealing with my husband’s 3 affairs, addiction to porn and lies (all for 15 years) I have learned a lot about sex in these issues. My husband has been free of these things for 2 years and this is only by God. We are doing so much better and I have come to understand his need for sex. If your husband says he needs sex on a regular basis, he is also saying he wants to be intimate with you. This helps him to be a better husband. When we don’t have sex on a regular basis, we start arguing and not feeling close to each other. I am a busy mom that works full time and volunteer. I need to purposely find time to spend with my husband for our marriage to work. That includes sex. My husband had seen every kind of porn out there and I understand it may be a trigger. Men can get help with that and there are steps you can take to help your husband with triggers and taking a short break from sex if need be so he change his focus on you. Wearing what he would like may be a trigger, but with God’s help it will become less and less. I feel your hurt and pain, but freedom is available with God!
Jen, with respect, your decision to stay with a man who has had three affairs, not to mention all the porn as well, is a decision many many women wouldn’t make. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I don’t think you can comment relating your own experience when so many women would choose to walk away from a ‘marriage’ like yours (and it would be the right decision).
You also talk about your husband’s ‘need for sex’ & this is treading on shaky ground because this blog has recently discussed the dangers of referring to sex as a ‘need for men’
Well-spoken, Sheila.
I understand the concerns of this reader; however, I’ve been so frustrated most of my life that we have allowed the world to claim sexuality and its pleasures when it really belongs to those engaging in sexual intimacy as God intended. For me, in my teen and young adult years, the sense that sex had to be one or two positions and serious all the time…simply made me more curious about what the world was offering instead.
I’m not at all excusing my own flaws from my past. But I have learned so much since then and see no dichotomy between sexual delights and soulful intimacy in the marriage bed. I’m claiming it all and encouraging others to do the same.
Julie you silly cow. I don’t see why you always need to chime in on posts on this website like you and Sheila are best friends or something. Have you actually met in real life?! No…you haven’t so just move on.
Actually, we have met in real life. We went out for dinner and everything. And we talk on the phone quite frequently and we’ve skyped. We’re “blogging buddies”. And I really appreciate Julie!
Here’s a picture of us together!
So I’ve been mostly away from the blogosphere for the last year. Is J. Parker now out as ‘Julie’, or was that a slip? Either way, you two both rock!
Yes, she “outed” herself! 🙂
Oh aren’t you both so beautiful!! Real head turners the both of you!
I love this post Sheila. I know that there are plenty of people that throw up red flags on certain concepts. I believe that is just an indication of past hurts or pre-conceived ideas about sex.
So, I am the original writer of the comment in Sheila’s post. I was deeply ill when this post was made, and unfortunately missed it. I was shocked and pleased to find it today!
Sheila, I want to humbly thank you for taking my letter, and concerns, to heart and knowing that I was absolutely not attacking you. You’re a class act for approaching my comment in this manner and garner even more of my respect.
Some of you would like to know more about me (us). Well, professionally, my husband is a minister with his M.Div, and, he is also a Christian counselor (masters in counseling science), practicing as a pastoral counselor. His background is in Biblical Hebrew, and Biblical archaeology.
He is the most well read person I know in Christian writing. Me, not so much. But I love John Piper to the moon and back, and I do love your work, Sheila. I read like the average person, but enough to desire to comment to you about my opinion on sacred sex.
I feel like I ought to backtrack and say that sacred sex can be super hot. It’s the contemporary or even “illicit” elements of guiding how sex can (or should) be that was the basis of my concern.
To the Johns of the world – how ridiculous of you to assume I haven’t asked my husband his desires. I want deeply to please my shared flesh. The fact that your initial comment was seemingly angry and prodding only leads me to question where your heart is with sex.
I encourage everyone to read John Piper’s This Momentary Marriage, and, also Sex and The Supremecy of Christ. Talk about two books that glorify holy union! They helped us so much.
To address the question about weird positions – we do what FEELS good and makes us FEEL CLOSE. I don’t have to be able to bend myself into a pretzel to reach the heights of pleasure. I remember when we first married, I searched out new positions and even downloaded an app! What a waste. If it takes too much work or is distracting from pleasure, it doesn’t make our rotation. We actually prefer missionary most of the time because we can look into each other’s eyes easily, kiss, touch, etc. I don’t see anything amiss with my “boring” positional sex.
And this is simply my editorial here:
The greatest turn on for me in sex is to give him my orgasm, and welcome his into my body. I relish his essence inside me. I believe his body fluids heal me and keep me reproductively healthier.
This act and its completion is the ONE thing that we share exclusively and I guess THAT is a steamy thought to me.
Early in our marriage we also tried many contemporary things mentioned in the comments, like texting naked pics, lingerie, etc. They were empty. They felt empty. They felt like pretending. Nowadays I just want to nibble his body and talk to him and say I love you and pant like nobody’s business. And I do. We do.
My husband also has a comment to John: he says, “Tell him I like her best with nothing on at all.”
I appreciate being allowed candor and the floor yet again, Sheila. You have honored me so much.
Blessings.
Mrs. Bishop,
I am totally late to the conversation here but, wow! This post and the conversation after has just been a great blessing.
You have a way with words ma’am. You paint a beautiful picture of a Godly marriage and get to the heart of what sex in marriage is. Many blessings to you and your husband.
I just wanted to say thank you for handling this entire conversation so sensitively. I hope I can learn to be as gently forthright as you have been. I have tended to agree with Mrs. Bishop’s original comments and concerns, and I enjoyed experiencing your heart when confronted with the matter. Thank you for choosing to share what she had to say, and allowing your readership to join in. I know it was very personal and could have been brushed aside, yet you chose to open up to include us all. Even as your readership chimed in, you handled the emotions of each carefully, yet candidly. It was up-lifting. Thank you.
The reason I have sometimes struggled with just letting it all hang out, in the way that our society seems to do so freely, is that in order for me to experience sexual healing and have the kind of absolute freedom you speak of, it wasn’t enough for me to decide, and choose, to be different in bed. Sex had too many painful experiences and emotions attached to it. I couldn’t create the kind of freedom you talk about. It wasn’t even enough that I could identify my marriage as a relationship that is sacred. As in all marriages, there are times my husband and I let one another down, and disappointments are hard and sometimes impossible to totally be free of, when intimacy is the goal. I needed God to show me that THE ACT OF SEX is sacred. And it is AS MUCH BETWEEN HE AND I, as between my husband and I. I needed to experience our sex life as a sacrament: a sacred celebration of the gospel.
To do this it was imperative for me to see from God’s Word HOW AND WHY I can worship Him through the act of intercourse with my husband. For us sex has become an act of worshipping God (J. Eldredge. Desire, 2007. pg 136). We choose to value it with and before Him just as He values communion and baptism. And when we celebrate in this way, inhibitions are removed, He is honored and Satan defeated in our very small corner of the world. We hope one day to be able to share more completely our journey and the Biblical path we experienced that lead to our sexual freedom.
Once again, Thanks for being open and giving others like me the opportunity to come alongside and join in His work of renewing our minds when it comes to sex and our sexuality.
Oh, Carlene, what a beautiful comment, and isn’t it wonderful how God has helped you to see sex differently? That’s such a beautiful picture of healing!