When we find ourselves in the midst of a marriage crisis, it can feel like all is lost. The relationship is dead.
This week on To Love, Honor and Vacuum I’ve been looking at legacy. I told you about our 25th anniversary party, but then we pivoted and looked at how our American political system means we need to try even harder to leave a good legacy, among other things.
And today I just want to talk about how when we’re thinking of what we’ll leave behind, we don’t need to think that our lives have to be perfect. Sometimes our biggest legacy can simply be honesty.
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: How a Marriage Crisis Can Bring Healing
I receive a lot of emails and comments from hurting wives. And some of the most heartbreaking are from the women who have just discovered that their husbands are using porn. They’re devastated. They thought they had these good marriages, and now they’ve discovered this big secret. Everything they thought they had was based on a lie.
And it feels as if the marriage is over.
Can I offer a different interpretation today?
When you are in the middle of a marriage crisis because you have discovered some secret about the other person, or because you’ve finally decided to talk about a big issue that’s been kept under the rug for years–that’s when you’re marriage is the closest to real health.
It doesn’t feel like it. It feels like everything is falling apart.
But let’s back up a minute. What is it that is falling apart?
What’s disintegrating before your eyes is the false image of what you were together.
And, as Ecclesiastes 3:3-5 says, there is:
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
There can actually be a time to scatter stones, to tear things down. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, or that it feels good, but it is of God.
When we start tearing down that which is built on a false foundation, we’ll be able to rebuild something which is based on truth.
I watched two friends walk through this over the last few years. She had so many unresolved issues from her childhood which left her in great difficulty building intimacy. He reacted to withdrawing and turning to porn at times. Finally he couldn’t take it, and said that they needed to get help or he was leaving. She resisted for a while, but when they started going to counselling, all the false fronts they had both built up cam crashing down. All that was left was really raw, but once it was exposed, it could be healed.
And the two of them are now so honest and open with what happened to them, and are telling everyone who will listen how important it is to deal with your stuff.
If you are going through a crisis today, I am deeply sorry for your pain. But my prayer for you is that you can see that this pain is not the end of something beautiful, but instead the beginning of real honesty and a true chance at a real legacy. Yes, it’s good to mourn the death of what you thought you had. But after that, maybe it’s time to start gathering those stones back up, to start building things once again, but this time on a foundation of truth, honesty, and openness.
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
2 of last weeks posts made the #1 spots, that’s awesome! So what does your next date night look like?
#1 Post on the Blog: What The Musical Hamilton Taught Me About My Legacy To My Kids
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Effects Of Porn On Your Brain, Your Marriage, And Your Sex Life
#1 from Facebook: The One Thing Most Couples Get Wrong About Date Nights
#1 from Pinterest: An Awesome List Of 79 Hobbies To Do With Your Spouse
Keith and I are off to speak in Ottawa this weekend!
We’re giving a one day marriage conference in Barrhaven, so we’ll get to see our kids again plus have a great time speaking. But I’m about to start packing, so that’s all for today.
Have a great weekend!