Why is it that passion in the bedroom is so hard to experience for so many Christian women?
We’ve been talking this week about how God made sex to be amazing (with a slight detour for my post-election post!), and we started off the week looking at how sacred sex and steamy sex are not opposites at all.
One of the issues that was brought up in that post, and in the comments, is how often women feel like freedom in the bedroom is somehow a bad thing. So today, for my Marriage Moment, I thought I’d take a look at how freedom and passion all intersect when we know God!
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Why Can’t More Women Feel Free in the Bedroom?
Why is it that so many women feel as if they don’t have real freedom in the bedroom?
The missionary position is okay, but anything else is too worldly. We should make love a lot because our husbands need it, but to experience real passion for our husbands–well, that just seems not quite proper.
I think there are three reasons.
First, real passion involves a loss of control. To feel real sexual pleasure means that we have to turn the thinking part of our brain off and be carried away by the moment. But that’s something we women have often fought against our whole lives. We’re used to always being on the alert. That’s how we feel safe.
To turn our minds off and to just experience–that’s really scary.
And yet that’s what God wants for us. He knew that we women do feel like everything bad that happens is our fault, so we have to try so hard all the time. And so God made our sexual response to work only when we’re not trying. He wants us to feel freedom!
But that’s hard for a second reason: many of us grow up with the message that sex is primarily for men. He’s the one who needs it every 72 hours and who will be tempted if he doesn’t get release. He’s the one who is visually oriented. Sex was something we had to guard against as teenagers because it was so dangerous to boys. And the idea that a woman would have real passion of her own seems strange, because men’s passion is so dangerous. Why would we want that, too?
Then there’s the third reason: pornography and our culture have taken sex and “owned” it. They degrade sex and make it really shallow, dirty and degrading. In our rush to combat porn, we often reject everything remotely associated with it, including passionate sex. What we forget is that porn got the idea for passionate sex from how God made sex–we didn’t get the idea from porn.
We women are often raised with very weird messages about sex. Passion feels scary, because you’re out of control. Sexual passion seems dirty, because it’s associated with porn, or dangerous, because it’s associated with men’s downfall. And so we often retreat, trying to find the Christian version of “safe sex”, which is tame and loving, but not necessarily very free.
What if we reclaimed sex to be passionate for women, the way that God intended? What if we rejoiced in real vulnerability, which meant being out of control with someone you love? And what if, as we experienced more and more of God’s passion, we were able to let our guard down more with our husbands? I think that would bring some much-needed freedom to a part of life that we try far too hard to make tame.
Do you have a hard time seeing sex as hot and holy at the same time?
Here’s a comment from a woman who has finally discovered passionate sex:
One woman left this comment on my post about sacred sex, and I just wanted to share it here because I thought it was so important:
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