Can how we see our bodies affect our sex lives more than how our bodies actually look?
For women, I’ve said again and again: our brains are our biggest sex organ. And what often gets in the way of our sex drive is the way we think about our bodies. When we start believing all these lies about how we should look, we are focusing on only the physical. And sex starts feeling more like a chore than anything else!
That’s why I’m so excited to have Jackie on the blog today! She’s talking about how to boost your libido by simply changing some of these ways we think. I love how she ties all this back to God so well!
Here’s Jackie!
My husband and I recently returned from a military marriage retreat led by one of his favorite pastors, who walked us through the Song of Solomon as a guide to flourishing marriage.
A big theme was the delight of the woman’s body to the man, and how she was to be encouraged to trust him and share it.
A lovely concept, but I knew from my own story that there was so much more to it than that.
And sure enough, during an anonymous Q&A session, a woman asked what to do if her body was no longer viewed as lovely and delightful by herself or her husband.
The pastor gave the best answer he could, but my stomach turned, because I desperately wanted to find that woman and tell her everything I have learned over the past decade.
You see, for years I detested the very topic of sex.
Innocent little jokes would shut me down into an internal rage, and I had vowed to never share my body with any man.
What I didn’t realize was that this was a wound combining two of Satan’s favorite playgrounds – how we care for our physical bodies, and sex. And both centered around the target of the female body – arguably God’s greatest masterpiece, and the focus of so many of Satan’s lies.
A long journey of studying, prayer, tears, and healing led me to a place where I loved my body as it was, and cared for it into being well.
And what I realized along the way was that one of the greatest reasons for my anger toward sex was what I now call body shame.
How could I even begin to want to joyfully share my body with a husband when I loathed it myself?
I now coach women who struggle with libido issues through one of the first shifts toward loving and craving sex in a godly way: body stewardship.
Body stewardship is a massive topic, but I’ll break it down here into five key realizations, and five key practices, that will set you on the to path to loving your body and wanting to share it!
There are 5 key things to understand:
1. Your body belongs to God
This is body stewardship: the reality that God created our bodies, and bought them back for His purposes and use when Christ died for us on the cross. (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)
This truth insists that we stop bashing and mistreating the bodies that have been placed in our care, and figure out how to think of them and treat them in a way that honors God.
2. We are designed to crave glorified bodies
Our bodies will be redeemed and perfected when Christ comes to make everything as it should be (Philippians 3:20-21). Somewhere, deep down in our design, we know this, and even nonbelievers long for this glorification and are drawn to tastes of it in culture.
If you’ve ever wondered why there is such an obsession with perfected, literally airbrushed bodies, I believe it is this: we have this unquenchable hope and craving for the way things should be, and will be.
We are trying to teach people to be satisfied with imperfect bodies with the argument that this is what is normal and natural. And it is what is normal and natural – this side of heaven, in a broken world.
But we were not designed for this world – we were designed for the kingdom that is coming, and in that kingdom, our bodies will be glorified, and we will be attractive. (Zechariah 9:17)
What do you do with this realization? Have awareness of where the these cravings for an ideal body are coming from, and grace toward yourself both for wanting it, and not being able to achieve it yet.
3. The female body represents salvation, and is one of Satan’s top targets
Oh, this is a biggie. Think with me for a second through some of the steps of salvation: we accept in something which we cannot produce ourselves – in this case, salvation and grace from God through Christ – and by welcoming it and receiving it into ourselves, new life is birthed in us and out into the world.
This is also the act of sex and conception from the female perspective, isn’t it?
Of course Satan would target the receptiveness and life-giving power of the female body – it’s a powerful metaphor for the salvation he is trying to keep people from.
4. God gave YOU sex as a gift
Sex is so often presented as something made for men that women have to tolerate, but this could not be farther from the truth.
Not to go into frank anatomy, but there are some design features on the female body that make it pretty obvious that God wants women to enjoy sex – possibly even more than men!
If you have no idea what I’m talking about, please reach out to me and we can go into more detail in a girls-only space!
5. Body Shame is tricky – and crippling
So, why is this all so hard? Let’s take it back to Genesis.
One of the first effects of the fall was that Adam and Eve hid their bodies – from God, from themselves, and from each other. (Genesis 3:7)
They were ashamed of their naked bodies, and ever since, our intimate relationships with our Creator and with our spouses have been plagued with insecurities and distance.
Christ has taken our shame away, but it takes practice to live that truth out. So when negative thoughts about your body hit, show yourself some grace: these insecurities are one of the foundational effects of original sin.
10 Ways to Love Your Body--and want to share it with your husband! Click To TweetNow that we’ve got those down, here are 5 things to do:
1. Reclaim your body
I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that the world has a million messages about what the female body is for, and little of it is Biblically true or in our best interest.
Everything from being pressured to look like Barbie, to being the target of brutal attacks and abuse – the female body is often at the heart of some of society’s greatest tragedies.
So what’s a girl to do?
The best way to cope in such unfriendly territory is to reclaim your body as Christ’s and see it through the lens of the Gospel: loved unconditionally exactly as it is, and deeply wanted. And, capable of incredible good works in the world through a lifelong process of sanctification.
2. Set a Vision
When you feel miles away from the body you long for, having a vision – perhaps for the next few months, perhaps for your ultimate goals, or perhaps a mix of both – of what you want and feel called to create with your body can keep you going and focused.
Whether it’s pictures of fit and joyful women on your vision board, or following some wellness gurus on your Instagram, find specific things that will motivate you when discouragement or complacency hits.
3. Cultural Detox
In order to set and stick to a compelling vision without having body shame kick in, it can be helpful to cut out the junk in your media diet for a while.
Movies, magazines, music and TV shows – as well as some social media – that sends you into a spiral of comparison, anger, or inadequacy is better left alone while you work on healing your heart and body.
4. Purify your foods
I lead a group of women through an ongoing ‘Pure Eating Challenge’ because we have been so trained to avoid fats, count calories, and eat in a restrict-then-binge cycle that it’s hard to know what to eat at all!
Pure eating is an art form, and consists of transitioning to natural sweeteners like stevia that don’t throw off our hunger hormones, and eating God-created foods in single-ingredient form as close to the way they were made as we can.
This can actually be shockingly tasty, and the energy, weight loss, and stable hunger and moods it creates only makes the process easier as you go along.
If you’re interested in joining us for one of our pure eating challenges, let me know and I’ll send you all the details.
5. Move in a way you love
Like food, when we start to workout as part of a body stewardship plan, we can throw ourselves into an aggressive, all-or-nothing plan based on someone else’s suggestions that don’t suit our body. The result? We rarely maintain it.
The solution? Figure out what kind of movement you love, and that suits your body’s current needs, and ease it into your life in a way that doesn’t so disrupt your schedule that it gets pushed aside.
If you take one thing away from this post (ok, two things!) please, gorgeous and beloved one, let it be this:
One, God adores your body! (Remember, it’s His!) He cares about it, has His eye on it, and will protect it if you stay in His will.
And two, you have what it takes to step into a wellness that frees you from shame, inspires others, and makes you…well, want to tell your husband to get home early tonight! 😉
Learn to steward your body well, step into your gorgeous sexuality as a woman of God, and the joy and health that will come will amaze you – and bless everyone around you!
Jackie Dixon is a health and intimacy coach and the creator of the Body Stewardship course. Get a free copy of her upcoming book, The Bombshell Manifesto: A Christian Woman’s Guide to Being Fiercely Feminine, when it launches on Amazon December 12: bit.ly/bombshellmanifesto.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I’m going to go out on a limb and make this comment, not to be snarky, but because I sincerely desire your advice, ladies. I thought this was a great article. One I’d like to reread and think about. Until… I saw the picture of the author. Jackie, you are beautiful! I mean, like, stunningly, supermodel perfect. So my gut instinct is to react like “oh this beautiful woman is just trying to make a living, she cannot possibly understand what it’s like to be ashamed of what you look like.” Seriously, I’d pay money to look like the author instead of myself. Jackie, your picture is flawless. I look hideous and disgusting in every photo ever taken of me.
So, how am I supposed to take this article seriously and believe the author can possibly understand, when she has been blessed with such amazing beauty?
Please help me understand, I am so tired of feeling this way.
Beauty is so subjective. Is the author beautiful (in this photo that is definitely professionally edited)? Sure. But personally I wouldn’t call her a knockout or stunningly supermodel perfect.
Maybe you need to find a good photographer to take some shots of you. Sorry you feel less than compared to her. 🙁
I think the point this makes is that just about every woman struggles with body acceptance – even the ones who resemble society’s version of beauty. I am thin and petite, so my friends who are a bit bigger would never take any of my body concerns seriously, but I’ve birthed and nursed four babies, so my body definitely has its fair share of stretch marks, squishiness and drooping. Not to mention that a few extra pounds on my frame are often a lot more apparent than they would be if I were taller or had a different body shape.
The thing to take away is that none of us are perfect, everybody has body issues (a drop dead knock out friend of mine has a pair of cankles that she hates), and just because this lady adheres more closely to your ideal doesn’t mean that her words about dealing with insecurity aren’t to be taken seriously.
If you look on her website you’ll see that she lost 50 lbs.
HEY there Anon! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts!
I realize that it is so tough to step back far enough to not compare women to women. There are so many other things to consider. As Sarah points out, this is most definitely a professionally taken photo, and the one I use for all of my business needs. If I used an unflattering selfie snapshot on business cards and similar things, it would be tough to be taken seriously in many environments, as you can imagine! I will definitely consider using a casual picture for future guest posts. 🙂
Now, I am going to give you a little tough love. Please DO NOT ever say anything so unkind about yourself. I understand you may feel it’s true. But it is a lie, and particularly to speak that out loud or write it is so completely to agree with the devil. I’d invite you to discipline yourself in what you say about yourself, because I can guarantee your thoughts about yourself will not change until your words do. I wrote vicious hate letters to myself, thinking that I could flog my way into being what I wanted to be, and surprise, it did not work! It only made things worse. Learning to love ourselves in a world of lies is a discipline, and our words have creative power. So speak and write what you want to believe, rather than what you may feel.
Here’s the hilarious thing: Satan lies to ALL of us. In such inconsistent and contradictory ways that if we didn’t fall for it emotionally, the logic of it would be laughable! So please don’t assume that there is any soul on this planet that has not walked through hard times or dealt with Satan’s attacks. He is not a respecter of persons. 🙂 I’d love to share with you more of my story and my mother’s long battle with Crohn’s to show more about why I’m so passionate about this. Please also feel free to reach out to me!
And above all, please know this: you are gorgeous, you are loved, and YOU must internalize that and fight the battle for the truth to be what fills your heart and soul. You are worth it! Christ said so, and who are we to disagree!?! 🙂
This reply shows a lot about your spiritual maturity.
I was tempted to reply about how the post above were body shaming you and were, in my opinion, unkind to you. But I did not want to stir up a fire storm.
But, instead of responding with hurt or defensively, you looked at the hurt and responded with love and kindness.
It is sad that sometimes believers do not respond this way in comment sections 🙂 Thank you for modeling Christlike character.
Thank you, Jackie, for your kind reply, and yes – for understanding there is pain and I was by no means trying to body shame you.
@TBG, yes, Jackie’s reply was kind and helpful and mature. I do struggle a great deal with the way I look at myself. I was by no means trying to body shame her, and I’m sorry if it came off that way.
I think sometimes it’s hard for women who are beautiful, or who grew up with positivity, to understand.
I am 5’9″ and 155 lbs. (Yes I know that’s about 30 pounds too heavy, you don’t have to tell me that.) I was an athlete growing up. Objectively, I am in relatively good shape for a 40 year old mom. And yet, I have been told how ugly and fat I am my entire life. My petite mother-in-law and sister-in-law always refer to me as a “big girl.” Nobody wants to be reminded how BIG they are! They do it out of pure meanness. “Oh his ex-girlfriend was tiny – not a big girl like you.” “That sweater looks nicer on a tiny girl, not a big girl like you.” Girls in high school called me “Amazon” (which, by the way, is one of the most hateful things a person can say about a woman.) My incredibly thin sister used to tell me I was so ugly no boy would ever like me, and she loved to point out my “fat body and fat boobs” – and we are talking daily. I have spent years learning not to slouch because I spent forever trying to hide my “fat boobs”.
So on the one hand, I still hear those voices telling me how big and fat and ugly I am. I know, that as a Christian, I should be able to get free from all of that, but it’s really, really, really hard.
I’m going to be too open here, but here goes. I think everyone is beautiful. And yet, I cannot see myself that way. Maybe satan does use this struggle to get to me, or to hold me back. I don’t struggle with alcohol or anything like that, so maybe he knows tempting me in that way would be pointless, and so he tries to hit me where it hurts. I hear everyone who says “think positively, talk positively, be kind to yourself” – but I simply cannot do it. It feels 250% wrong to say positive things about myself, especially about my appearance. I can lose weight, but I cannot shrink my height. The voices from the past, and the sight in the mirror, and the photos I work so hard to delete or discard scream much louder.
I have tried praying about this, but it’s hard. I cannot help but think “stop wasting God’s time on this, you’ve never been pretty, you never will be, you are what you are, just accept it and move on.” And then I feel incredibly badly about not being thrilled with how God made me because I know He doesn’t make mistakes and then I feel like I don’t deserve to be a Christian because I can’t just get over this instantly and be thankful. I am bad at all of this, and honestly, it kind of scares me.
But oh well, it is what it is, right? All of that to say, it was never my intention to body shame anyone. I know how painful it is to be ashamed of your appearance, and I would never do that to anyone else.
Wow, what a wonderful, healing conversation! And thank you for sharing that, Anon. I know that so many, many readers will completely relate to you.
You know, one of the lies that I hear the most is that “if you were really a Christian, you wouldn’t still be struggling with X.” In your case it’s body image, but it could be anything else–a temptation, an addiction, a character flaw. And yet we know it’s not true. God could look at David, a man who seriously messed up, and still say that he was a man after God’s own heart, because God saw the heart and the desire.
And I can see that you have such a strong love for God and a desire to follow God, and God sees that.
As for body image, I don’t know if this will be helpful or not, but I follow a woman on Instagram that I met on one of my speaking tours who I guess you could say is a “big girl”. I don’t know. But she’s started this big exercise routine now to get strong, and she’s always posting great little workout pictures and 15 second clips of her routine and she celebrates every time she can lift another 10 pounds. And, I don’t know, I guess it’s just that she’s totally ENJOYING getting strong. She’s learned to enjoy her body by challenging it to do what it can do. She’s a great horsewoman, too, so she’s always been an outdoorsy type who loves doing physical things. And I think that the joy that she takes in what her body can do is really the key to feeling good about yourself.
I really think one of the issues with body image is that we’ve bought into the world’s lies about what sexy is and why your body is important, and we ignore all the other things about our bodies–how they can nourish us and keep us healthy; how they can be strong and do so many things; how they can enjoy and experience the world in a way our minds can’t. We don’t value that. Perhaps if we got back to experiencing the world through our bodies more, by enjoying movement and touch and stretching and going for walks, etc., and stopped only thinking that the purpose of our bodies is to be sexy, we’d actually feel sexier?
I don’t know if this is making any sense because I’ve been at too many hotels the last few nights and I’m seriously jetlagged, but those are a few thoughts I had. I think God created us for so much more, and we reduce our bodies to sex objects. I know I’m guilty of this too. And that’s why I want to start swimming and hiking more and just realizing how amazing our bodies can really be!
Anon. This probably is your biggest weak spot for Satan to hit you, so of course he’s not going to let go without a fight. You’ve got a lot of lies and negativity stored up in this area so you are going to have to fight it with even more truth.
James 4:7 says: “Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.”
Part of submitting yourself to God is listening and believing what he says about you. Resist the devil is a command. In your case, this involves refusing to keep saying these things about yourself. Every time a self-depreciating thought like that enters your mind, you need to push it aside and replace it with truth (by truth I mean scriptures about God’s love for you, his creative goodness, psalms about how he made you, how Jesus sacrificed to save you etc. take your pick). This will take time. And you will have to do it, consistently, Every. Single. Time. Like disciplining children. Think of your thoughts as unruly kids if it helps. You’re the boss. They *will* mind you.
Of course it’s hard. The devil prowls around like a lion looking for people to destroy. It’s war upon your soul. Just because you are saved, doesn’t mean Satan will give you a pass. He wants to make you as miserable as possible now.
Your feelings lie. Your mind and God’s spirit can and will get them in line eventually. But you can’t force your emotions to change. You can’t will yourself to *feel* self acceptance. You *can*, however, control your thoughts. God would not command us to take every thought captive for Christ if it was impossible. In case you were wondering, berating yourself is not God honouring. You need to doggedly refuse to give up. You can do all things through Christ that strengthens you.
So well said, alchemist: “You can’t will yourself to *feel* self acceptance. You *can*, however, control your thoughts.”. That’s exactly what Friday’s post is about, too!
I understand the argument that we want glorified bodies, but do you really think in heaven we’ll all be thin and blond, meeting this society’s version of beauty? God created body diversity, including body size, and there is nothing inherently wrong in having a fat body, or one with a flat chest, or one with limp hair – or whatever you wish you could change. In our perfect glorified bodies, we won’t be ashamed and will see the beauty of God’s diversity. He made many kinds of beautiful flowers, trees, and animals and none need compete with each other for a title of “most attractive.” Let’s embrace that too!
I actually really like your point, Amanda. I think that you’re right–we long for “perfect” bodies that we will have in heaven, but since we can’t picture the magnificence of heaven while we’re here on earth, I think we take that yearning for perfection and slap it on whatever society says is perfect. It’s a good thing to be aware of, like you said, because God does see the beauty in the diverse bodies he’s given us here on earth, too.
Rebecca Lindenbach recently posted…How to Organize Your Notes To Stay Productive
EXACTLY Rebecca!! So well said! 🙂
I agree. I do not think the culture’s portrayal of fake female perception has anything to do with a longing for eternity. If you look at renaissance art, those women had body fat! This is a new trend, the emaciated woman as beautiful. I believe obesity is unhealthy and not God’s plan for us. Nor is processed food. But our culture is sick and messed up and the emaciated models and photoshopped images are evidence of that.
Totally agree Lisa! Moreover, I think society is trying to move us away from ‘female’ bodies and toward an androgynous physical body and the idea that our gender is our choice, and it’s tough to tell men from women. So sad and inaccurate. 🙁 Thank you for sharing!!
Have you noticed, that the ‘ideal’ body changes with time? I mean, in the 90s and probably the 00s, it was all about SKINNY, whereas now it seems to be all about THE BOOTY and CURVY girls are IN. Way back in history, fat female bodies were considered ‘ideal’ because fat=rich, most people were too poor to have enough food to get fat, and too much hard physical work! Quite different to today’s standards, where even the ‘curvy booty’ still needs to be ‘sculpted’.
I think we really need to concentrate on looking after the body we have been given on Earth, no matter what shape or size, the best way we can. So that means eating healthy foods in healthy portions, and moving your body in a way you enjoy, for the simple reason to look after your body, not to get to a certain size, or weight, or into a certain dress! (I’m preaching to myself here!)
So true! Absolutely agree.
Precisely, E! Beautiful words! What people have always been drawn to is health and joy, two hallmarks of our resurrection bodies! If we focus on that, we will find so much peace and do a great job honoring our bodies. 🙂
Totally agree Amanda!! It is so important to avoid jumping to a definition that we may have absorbed or been given to feel pressured to live up to; that’s often where a ‘beauty wound’ lies and needs careful healing with the truth. God is such an artist, and I love watching women step into great care of their magnificent unique bodies! Thank you for your thoughts!! 🙂
I feel like this post addresses body image issues when comparing oneself to society…but what about when you’re stuck comparing to yourself? My body, after carrying and birthing 3 large babies, is not what it used to be. I definitely struggle with this while being intimate with my hubby. I know he still loves me and loves being with me but there’s no denying that some things are just not the same. And there’s nothing diet and exercise can do to fix these areas. I guess all I can hope for is personal acceptance of the situation. 🙁
I hear you. It’s hard feeling like “but this isn’t my body!” Time and positive thinking? Turning it all over to God over and over? That’s the best I’ve come up with.
The female body, prior to pregnancy, is still an immature body. After pregnancy, it becomes what it was designed to be – rounder, softer. Modern society has sold the image that the immature female body is the one to be desired, but fortunately there are quality men who don’t buy into that.
The female body is definitely a wonder to behold at every stage of its journey through life and its roles! It is so worth caring for well in every season – especially because we have the honor of impacting the health of the next generation! Thanks so much for sharing Fiona! 🙂
Jackie Dixon recently posted…#Regram from @stylerunner – good way to go into a #Wednesday!! #qotd #inspiration #motivation #quote #positivity
Hey Ashley! Honestly I think that is what it all comes down to – can we love ourselves unconditionally, which is really a form of respect toward God, since He does?
I know that after having our daughter my body is different, but I have so much more awe for its design! I think the best thing to do is approach ourselves from a standpoint of amazement at our body’s power, and then make sure we are honoring its abilities with good care. Then, ask God to give us His view of the design of our bodies, and see ourselves as amazing, battle-tested warriors rather than ‘worn out’ versions of our former selves. I hope that helps!!
I’d like to say something as a man. Many times you are focusing on the thing your husband is not really focusing on. You know what? He wants you to have a good body. He does. There’s something he wants even more. He wants passion. All those sex scenes in the movies and such. You know what turns him on the most? It’s not the female body there, although it does. It’s the passion in the scene. He will often see that and think “I want my wife to treat me like that.” Ask your husbands about when the best times were you made love to him. The times that will stick out to him are the times where he really felt like you wanted him. Your husband would rather have a plain jane who has passion for him, than a supermodel who has no interest in him whatsoever.
Take care of your bodies and you should, but passion says a lot more. Passion tells us something about ourselves also. It tells us how much we’re worth and how much we’re desired and how much you trust us. Get your brain to accept that your husband loves you just the way you are.
Thanks NIck for putting those thoughts into words!
ABSOLUTELY!!! Amen amen amen! Thanks for writing this Nick! The BEST self care, and where it all begins, is receiving God’s love for us so we can be present in the moment, secure and comfortable so we can engage in the passion and not be distracted by the lies playing in our heads. Great words!!
Jackie Dixon recently posted…#Regram from @stylerunner – good way to go into a #Wednesday!! #qotd #inspiration #motivation #quote #positivity
I see the choices in the author’s post as a dichotomy. Either be happy with the body you have or relentlessly chase after the vision you have of what you want your body to look like. The former takes tremendous effort and soul searching and making peace within yourself. The latter takes Herculean effort to try to hit an ever changing standard of beauty as society changes and you age.
I am in my mid 60’s and chased the vision for many years. Partly because I thought I was supposed to look like the media beauties and the hot mamas I saw out and about in stores and partly because my husband was not happy with how I looked. He preferred the look of the hot mamas and some of the movie stars he saw on TV. I starved and exercised myself down to thin several times and it never seemed to be enough. Waist too big, thighs touched, not enough muscle definition.
Finally, exhausted with being consumed with calories in, calories expended, exercise logs, fighting the desire to have just one piece of my own birthday cake instead of a piece of fruit, I decided I was good enough. I gained some weight and am slightly overweight. I am round and soft and when I look at the wrinkles and scars on my body I see a roadmap of my life. My pooch and c section scars remind me of the children I carried. The wrinkles on my hands remind me of the fevered brows I stroked, how I taught my sons how to bait a fishhook, and the hours spent holding my husband’s hand. I do tend to my health and am very healthy. My blood pressure, cholesterol and sugar are all within the normal range with no medication. I eat pretty healthy, but enjoy treats, too. I walk because I like walking, not because I have to fill in a log of so many hours of exercise per week. I do not compete with the lady next door who endlessly starves and exercises and constantly compares herself with all the other hotties in the neighborhood. I dress the best I can and do my hair nicely. I enjoy my life and am happier now.
My husband is not happy with my body. That was a problem until I realized he still bought into the media driven standard of beauty. That he cannot find something beautiful about my physical being is his loss. I am beautiful, maybe not by society’s standards, but by God’s standards.
So, I guess it is a choice. Accept your body, treat it well, and love it and stop comparing it to your girlfriend, the women on TV or the gals at the gym. Do what you feel is right for you and be at peace with your decision. OR endlessly chase the vision of the ever changing standard of the perfect body. One way gives you a measure of serenity, the other consumes you with dissatisfaction and doubt.
I hope your husband realizes what a treasure he has.
One of the things that Gottman teaches is that as long as we are comparing our spouse to others, we aren’t actually experiencing marriage. Marriage means closing that door.
Hey there Jane! Thank you so so much for your beautiful comment!
Bummer it comes across as a dichotomy. 🙁 To me it is a metaphor for our relationship with God: we are fully loved and accepted as we are, and not asked to change or ‘clean up’ in the least before coming to Him and receiving full salvation and adoration. And that’s that – pure and simple.
But it’s not advised to still run around having sex with random people, doing drugs, stealing and murdering. We are asked to enter the process of sanctification and work to live by God’s holy commands, even though we can never achieve it and our salvation is not based on works.
See what I mean? So as I see it, our job is to work to love our bodies unconditionally, and know that that is enough, and yet lovingly ‘sanctify it’ through the best nutrition and fitness we can.
One of the most difficult shifts I lead women through is the steps out of the ‘all or nothing’ attitude – that we either need to look perfect (or eat perfect, or be the ‘perfect’ Christian), or give up. I deeply believe that perceived either-or is a trick used by the enemy to keep us from loving self care seasoned with grace.
I so respect your work to love your body and care for yourself from a place of love. God bless you! 🙂
Jackie Dixon recently posted…#Regram from @stylerunner – good way to go into a #Wednesday!! #qotd #inspiration #motivation #quote #positivity
This is definitely an interesting and thought provoking article. I’m not sure I agree with all of it but I’ll keep thinking about it. Especially the idea that we’re supposedly drawn to airbrushed images because of our longing for what we’ll experience in eternity. That seems off. The image of the “ideal female” has changed dramatically throughout history. Historically, the image of the ideal female body was much more realistic (prior to the corset). Women with very low body fat were considered unattractive. Currently, there is quite a variety among different cultures. Cultures that do not have constant media access and photoshopping have a vastly different “ideal” female body. I adamantly believe that bombardment of fake images, starting in childhood, is the factor in craving am impossible body, not our longing for eternity.
I will also say that giving up stevia was one of the best things I’ve ever done. It does affect our hormones. The tongue tastes the sweet and prepares the hormones for the simple carbohydrates … which don’t come. Sticking with cane sugar, honey, and maple syrup in moderation is much healthier. Not to mention it tastes much better than stevia.
Hey Lisa! Thank you for your comment! I do think we’ve always been ‘off’ in our societal ideals – probably because we can’t even imagine what our heavenly bodies will be like! Certainly there were health problems back in the past centuries, and there still are today. And certainly media messages are not qualifying themselves will an eternal perspective, haha!, which leads us into these unhealthy concepts we all battle.
I’m sorry to hear that was your experience with stevia!! It definitely has an unusual taste! 🙂 I like to mix it with honey, maple syrup, agave, and even xylitol in moderation (it has a dangerous laxative effect if you use too much!) to balance out the taste. I generally eat it with something that does have carbs so the body can have a normal response. Lily’s stevia chocolates is one of my favorite snacks!!
God bless and thanks for writing! 🙂
I met my wife over 30 years ago when she was a teenager, so obviously after all those years and after blessing me with 6 amazing kids her body is not the same as it was back then, but my feelings for her are greater now than ever.
I didn’t marry a body, I married a person, I don’t make love to a body, I make love to a person. When I see her smile at me my heart does a backflip no matter how she is dressed or groomed. She is the woman who wanted to spend her life with me when I was a student with no wealth or fame, who stood up for me at times even I started to agree with my critics, who gave herself to me and keeps giving herself to me. So what if she has stretch marks, they are reminders of the wonderful kids we raised, so what if she can’t fit into her wedding dress when she fits so well into my life and is happy to fit herself into my bed.
Ladies, you shouldn’t assume your husbands are shallow men who can’t love the person you are however you may look.
Thank you for sharing this perspective!
Marvelous thoughts on unconditional love in marriage!! Thank you!!!
I’ve read all the comments here, but just wanted to say – I was kind of Ok with some of this post… Until I saw the photo at the bottom.
Sheila I feel you’re treading on shaky ground with this one… Just saying.
I’m sorry, Becs, but I don’t know what photo you mean. Do you mean an ad that showed up? I have very strict controls on what ads come up, but sometimes stuff gets through. So there’s a “report this ad” function there and you can report anything that you think is offensive, and I really ask readers to do that, because usually if YOU see an ad, I don’t. We all get different ads. So I can’t monitor it without everyone else’s help!
Nope, I’m meaning the photo of Jackie.
Not happy Sheila. Enough said.
On the topic of beauty standards, I’m really tired of skinny being shamed when people attack the standard. I dont like beauty standards, and I understand the attack against them. But I’m naturally 5’5″ and 110 pounds, which makes me pretty skinny. And when I really think about it, a beauty standard of any kind would be unhealthy for a lot a people. So let’s be sure we attack the fact that there’s a standard, not whatever the standard happens to be.
I agree, Becca. The standard is wrong; the individual body is not. And sometimes people are naturally skinny, and sometimes people work really hard at being healthy, and they shouldn’t be looked down on for that.
Oh goodness, Becca – Amen! It’s exhausting being a woman, with all of our sisters attacking us more than blessing and supporting us, isn’t it? Let’s all attack the lies of the enemy instead of each other!! Thank you for adding this to the conversation!
A “lightbulb” moment for me came with the realisation that it was not what my body looked like that was important but what I chose to do with it.
While I was cringing during sex, worrying about whether a roll of skin was turning him off, I was not honouring God or my husband with my body (and the sex was not the best). Learning to forget what I looked like, and instead focusing on how I was feeling, and what I could do for him, unlocked the secret to better sex. Men seem to delight in a body that is willingly offered, regardless of what it looks like.
Praying before or during sex really helped. A quick prayer to ask “help me to respond well, and focus on him” was always answered.
Such great thoughts, Fiona! So true.
SO good Fiona – and what a stunningly beautiful realization and attitude! Now that is body stewardship!!! We so often forget to pray for help in these things!! Thank you for sharing this!
I agree we should learn to be comfortable in our own bodies. I think shame is why so many women have so much drama in women’s circles and it is sad and keeps other from community. I can attest I’m so far from perfect but after many years comfortable in my own skin. I was severely overweight for years between my two children and after the birth of my second child. Through hard work and Gods grace I lost over 100 pounds and have kept it off by living an active lifestyle. I honestly didn’t realize how insecure I was at the time, how much my struggle with my weigh was affecting everything from my relationship with my husband to my own insecurities. Basically through that experience I learned I had gotten depressed in so many area I became dead and didn’t even know who I was. I guess what I’m trying to say is none of us can or should strive to be perfect. That’s impossible! 8 def have parts of my body I don’t love but when we are insecure with our body and our weight at least for me it trickled into every area of my life and God used that experience to wake me up in so many way. I don’t strive for perfection I’m uniquely who God created me to be but I strive to be healthy and to love with my whole heart something I personally lacked before. I don’t know if any of this makes sense in text format but I was THAT lady that hopeless lady who needed an awakening and wake up call.
What an AWESOME testimony Lauren!! Thank you so much for sharing!! It was amazing to me in my own journey how much self-loathing and lies were beneath my own body issues, and how much even my relationship with God was affected by all the ways I tried to convince myself to make myself feel better. Only the truth will set us free! 🙂
GREAT work loving your body and caring for it so well! I know that takes so much humility and openness to internal transformation, and I applaud you for your maturity and courage!! Bravo!!
So thankful for this article. I’ve been searching for help for many years in this area. As a young girl raised by a single father who was addicted to porn, I couldn’t ever measure up to “look” as he thought I should have (like the Playboy calendar models tacked up around my home). I struggled with bulemia in my teen years, becoming very thin and attractive. Now as a married Christian woman, carrying an excess thirty pounds I find it hard to accept my body. The intimacy with my husband is affected. Inside I feel my husband will be turned off by my body as he too viewed porn in his teen years and seems to be expecting that same image. How do we both learn to love and accept the real body that God has intended for me to have?
I wonder to what extent the self-image of a wife, and how beautiful she feels, is related to the purity of her husband. A pure husband who does not look at other women or at porn, who does not masturbate and saves his sexual energy for his wife, will make her feel desired, needed, special for him, beautiful for him. On the other hand, a wife who does not feel beautiful might be a sign that the husband is not so pure and dedicated?
Reminds me of a story from India, I think, the “eight cow wife“. It’s a great story!
Thank you, that’s a really great story!