Can you respect your husband too much?
That “men need respect and women need love” thing has been popularized in Christian circles in the last decade, and women are often encouraged to respect their husbands at all costs. There’s even a book that says that men need unconditional respect and women need unconditional love. I know many have been helped by that book–but those people tend to be in marriages that are good, or at least marriages that may have grown distant but there’s a lot of goodwill there. The problem I have is that the advice really doesn’t always work. It can too easily be one of those “Christian pat answers” that may sound right, but which actually can do some damage in some relationships.
While you can unconditionally love someone but still offer “tough love”, there’s no equivalent for “tough respect”.
For instance, if your drug addicted sister comes to you and asks for $500, it’s showing her love to refuse. But how do you offer respect to someone addicted to porn, or with anger management issues? I’ve argued that respect cannot mean respecting what they do, but rather respecting their right to make their own choices, free of manipulation from you. However, that also means that you have a right to make your own choices in return. This week on To Love, Honor and Vacuum I want to look at how to rebuild trust after it’s been broken. And today, to start us off, I thought I’d try to offer a more balanced view of what healthy respect looks like in a relationship–and when we may be respecting too much. Here’s the key: God’s goal is always that we look more and more like Christ, not just that we’re “nice”.
Therefore, if the way that we are acting is enabling people to look less like Christ, then we are doing something wrong.
Unfortunately, with the way that we often talk about respect, oftentimes women are encouraged to act in such a way that moves a husband away from Christlike behaviour.
So let’s look at 10 signs that you may be showing respect in an unhealthy way: 
1. You don’t confront your husband when he’s doing something wrong.
The way respect is often explained, it sounds like we have to always respect his decisions and his actions, as if they are RIGHT. We’re told that men need women’s approval, and so if we disapprove, then we’re robbing him of a great need that he has. But no one is ever perfect, and God created you as a “help meet” to your husband. And that includes helping him look more like Christ! So if, for instance, you find your husband doing something wrong, like watching porn, you will confront him. Real respect is always a two-way street; a person can’t really feel respected by someone that they also can’t respect. And if you can’t confront him on things that are wrong, then you become a pushover. If you’re a doormat or a pushover, then your “respect” won’t register. You’ve become an object to use, not a person whose opinion matters.
2. You find yourself apologizing when you were originally sure it was him who started the problem.
Maybe you try to confront your husband when you feel hurt or when you feel he did something wrong, but he always turns it around and blames you for it. And you tend to end up apologizing. If his interpretation of events is the only one that matters, then you aren’t treating yourself as a helpmeet to your husband. You’re treating yourself as a doormat. Look, often when my husband and I are arguing, I’m sure I’m right, but as we talk, I realize I misunderstood something and I apologize. We SHOULD apologize when we’re wrong. But if you’re the one who is always apologizing, and your husband never admits any wrong, then it’s quite likely that you aren’t sticking up for truth. You’re allowing your husband to define it rather than listening to God.
God’s goal is always that we look more and more like Christ, not just that we’re “nice”.
3. When something is wrong with the way your husband is treating you, your first thought is to berate yourself for not being a good wife.
You’re quick to internalize problems in the marriage and blame yourself for them. Again, there is some truth: we are told to remove the plank from our own eye before we remove the speck from our brother’s eye (Matthew 7:3-5). Sometimes, though, we’re quick to blame ourselves because we want to feel like we have some control. If we can just figure out the magic formula to make him act a certain way, then he’ll stop hurting us. But that assumes that the problem is ALWAYS with us. That’s not true. Let’s take responsibility for the things that we do wrong, but let’s make sure that we don’t take responsibility for things that are out of our control.
4. You study your husband so that you can avoid “setting him off”.
In a similar vein, if you spend your time studying your husband to see what “sets him off”, then that’s a sign that your husband isn’t respecting you and isn’t loving you. A big theme in Scripture is that people “reap what they sow”. As I explained at length in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, though, often a husband may sow discord by being angry and critical, but we’re the ones who reap it by taking the blame and by trying to appease him. Instead, we should set limits, lovingly, on what we will accept, because it is not respecting someone to allow them to yell at you or criticize you. Let’s instead “spur each other to love and good deeds”, not encourage someone to act wrongly.
Are you GOOD or are you NICE?
Because the difference matters!
God calls us to be GOOD, yet too often we’re busy being nice. And sometimes, in marriage, that can actually cause problems to be even more entrenched.
What if there’s a better way?
5. You study at length what you can do to turn the marriage around–which almost inevitably means being “nicer”.
Every woman I have ever known in a bad marriage has studied book after book to learn how she can be “nicer” and “more loving” so that her husband will love her in return. And it has always backfired. If you want real change in your marriage, often the answer is to stop being so nice and start enforcing some boundaries. Boundaries are loving because they point people to their responsibility in Christ. Having no boundaries pushes people away from Christ.
6. You run interference between your husband and your children.
If your husband and your kids aren’t getting along, you often try to make peace between them. You tell the kids they need to be nicer to dad or “respect” dad. You tell your kids “that’s just the way Dad is.” But if we’re going to allow people to reap what they sow, and we’re going to teach our kids conflict resolution skills, it would be better to teach them, “you may not talk back to your father, and you shouldn’t nurture anger. If you’re upset, you should go and tell him.” Don’t try to fix it; stand back and let the kids work it out with him (if that’s safe for them to do).
7. You make excuses for your husband to others.
If your husband is consistently not following through on what he’s promised to do, and you find yourself making excuses to family, friends, work, or church colleagues, again, you may be allowing him to act in an unChristlike manner. If your husband doesn’t show up for a family function, for instance, it’s perfectly fine to go yourself and then tell his sister, “For some reason Bob decided not to come today.” You don’t need to badmouth Bob, but you also don’t need to make excuses for him, either.
8. Your husband keeps secrets and blames you for it.
In Thought #6 of 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I gave examples of people insisting that you meet illegitimate needs. Let me give you an example. A legitimate need is to feel as if you have some autonomy and privacy in your life. An illegitimate need is to insist that you have the right to keep major secrets from a spouse (like porn use). A legitimate need is for sex. An illegitimate need is to get sexual release where you want (including porn or watching other women). If you feel deeply disrespected because he is violating one of your needs (such as the need to be his sole object of affection), then it’s okay to speak up. “I’m a guy, and this is what guys do” is not an excuse.
9. You invest so much time in learning your husband’s love language and in loving your husband, but he doesn’t do that in return.
The last two signs really sum everything up. If you are turning yourself inside out trying to love and respect him, but he isn’t doing any of that in return, then you’re likely doing it in the wrong way. You’re not respecting him; you’re enabling him to make bad decisions, and that in turn causes you to seem like a doormat. It’s very hard to love a doormat and it’s very easy to dismiss a doormat. If he isn’t putting any effort in the relationship, the problem is likely not that you’re not respecting him enough, but rather that you’re bending over backwards too much without expecting him to treat you well.
10. You force yourself to share your body without any reciprocal need to share his heart.
This plays out in the bedroom, too. All of you at this blog know that I’m a big advocate for healthy sex in marriage! I love sex, I’ve written books on sex, and I think it should be frequent and fun. But if you’re forcing yourself to have sex with him on a consistent basis, without a reciprocal need for him to emotionally connect with you, then you’re allowing yourself to be treated like an object, not a person. And that’s very unhealthy. 
Of course, sex is often the gateway to a healthier relationship. When we withhold sex, he often emotionally withdraws, and deciding to have sex more often is frequently the way to get better emotional connection. However, this is not always the case. If you are consistently feeling used, that’s likely a sign that he isn’t sharing his heart.
In short, a good marriage relationship means that both spouses with love and respect each other.
As a woman, I wouldn’t say that I need love more than respect because I can’t distinguish between the two of them. If Keith claimed he loved me but then treated me like a doormat, I would not feel loved at all. Instead of talking about “love” and “respect” we should talk about “spurring each other on to love and good deeds.” Let’s help each other be more Christlike, which will involve loving and respecting and forgiving and being kind and generous and overlooking numerous faults, but will also involve helping our spouses to treat us well by being the kind of person who must be respected. You really can’t have one without the other, and if you’re trying to get love by respecting him with no obligation in return, then it’s likely you’re setting yourself up for a very empty marriage.
Want some more perspective on this? Check out 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, which shows what we can do to properly love our husbands and treat them well, but also what we can do to create a healthier dynamic between the two of us.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Hmmm.not sure how I feel about this article. The two way street is respect and love working together. God doesn’t want us to be a doormat but we are called to respect our husbands. so are you twisting around the word respect or just failing to see man isn’t living up to what God has asked him to do by not loving his wife. By no means I am suggesting that wives put up the behaviors you described abuse I am just not sure I agree with how you through respect at it.
The problem is that this is the way many Christian authors, bloggers, and even pastors (the author of the book was a pastor in the Gothard movement) teach women to be respectful. And that is what this blog is responding to.
Exactly, Lisa!
I don’t see that acting in this manner is respecting too much. I see it as respecting too little. If you respect someone and they behave badly, it is a lack of respect to refrain from confronting him about it. Because really, you can’t truly respect someone who is behaving badly. I think love and respect are hardly separable in a marriage. And love wants the best for the other.
Totally agree! Unfortunately, those who preach about “unconditional respect” don’t see it that way.
Yes, exactly.
Hi Stacey,
I’m just not sure what you mean by this: ” I am just not sure I agree with how you through respect at it.”? If you want to clarify I’ll try to answer, I’m just not sure what you mean. Thanks!
Yes, sorry for the through instead of threw…three kids and a mom who can only drink decaf…I felt after doing a study on 2 Peter the article was not biblically balanced. Ultimately, the Bible is the standard God wants me living by not all the marriage books I have enjoyed or read over the years. When I die and stand at the feet of Jesus will know if I respected my man or not. Not necessarily based on my husbands performance but the respect the position holds in our marriage. He will know how well I was loved by my man. I understand the premise that you were getting at with enabling our husbands behavior and making ourselves as doormat but I just felt it Bibically didn’t line up with 2 Peter. I felt a twinge of hmmm while reading the article. I hope this helps clarify.
Interesting comments Stacey.
I have read your blog for quite some time. I agree with quite a lot of things you say, but I do not see this article as balanced or as Biblical. We are commanded to respect our husbands (they are commanded to love us). You don’t get a “pass” because it is a command…regardless of what the other spouse does. I can choose to respect my husband (or not, which has disastrous consequences) and still put down good boundaries if needed. I think that would be called tough respect in your words. There is no such thing as too much respect any more than there is too much love.
I am also disappointed that you would do a passive aggressive attack on an author’s book. If you disagree with the theory, fine. But name the book and do a respectful, Biblical view on why it’s wrong.
That’s great that you’ve found a way to be unconditionally respectful! I think what Sheila’s trying to speak against, though, is that so many women are told that even creating boundaries in their relationships or telling him what he is doing is wrong is disrespect. When it’s not, you’re right!
I think maybe the issue here is that we’re all talking about respect as different things. Sheila’s definition of respect for this post is catering to his every need and doing what he wants–your version of respect really sounds more like catering to his spiritual needs and ensuring that you’re creating a more Christ-like marriage, even if that means having the hard talks.
The book is linked right in the post. Anyone can go to this book on Amazon very easily from this post.
What you are describing, unconditional respect with boundaries, is not what that author teaches. A careful reading of the book shows that in every single example he gives of a husband “getting it wrong” he circles back around to state why the husband only acted that way because of the wife. She’s always to blame.
Emmerson Eggerichs, the author, preached Bill Gothard’s teachings and anyone reading this popular book with their eyes wide open will find the sticky ooze from that movement/cult throughout the book. Anyone reading the book without discernment could find themself stuck in the ooze.
Love and Respect has a Gothard connection?! Mind blown. That explains so much. Thank you.
Hi BJ! Yes, I agree that we are commanded to respect our husbands–I just don’t agree that this means that we act in an unchristlike manner, which is what we do when we enable or cover up sin. And too often that is the way that it is explained to us.
Sheila, I think you did a great job voicing your concern about the “love and respect” viewpoint. I got married in Aug of this year and that book was recommended by EVERYONE! While reading it, I was so very concerned for the couples who read it and don’t know what the Bible actually says. While I agree we should respect our husbands, I agree that there comes a point when it becomes unChrist-like if we are allowing him to continue in sin for the sake of keeping the peace and not arguing. Basically, I completely agree with you here and thought you did a great job voicing your opinion without “bashing” the author. I also agree with Lisa, I noticed the trend that it always circled back to the woman using the excuse “because he didn’t feel respected by her”. I was a little put-off and the whole book seemed to be pointed in benefit of husbands. And I found that he was a little braggy…like a lot braggy which kind of sealed the deal for me.
Hi Sheila – I have very recently been exposed to the Love and Respect message. He says about a million times in the book that if there is basic goodwill in your spouse, the message should really work. The issues you are addressing in your article are more serious. I have read Cloud and Townsend as well, and in many ways love their teachings, but they are not the be all and end all either. Their teachings can also be very easily misapplied. I like to think that “all of these teachings somehow work together for good” – not one is necessarily THE truth, but contains a lot of truth. One thing that you neglect to say in any of your articles about “boundaries” is that if you start setting them with a spouse who has no or little basic goodwill, be prepared for him to leave you. You may have set your boundaries, but he can set his, too. Because your husband has basic goodwill, minus mental health issues, substances issues, etc, I sometimes feel like you don’t get the seriousness of it.
Hi Belle,
I’m sorry you feel that way! And I do agree that Cloud and Townsend can’t save marriages.
I guess what I would argue is this: What is it that we’re aiming for? Are we aiming to save the marriage, or are we aiming to glorify God and to look more and more like him? Because it’s very easy to make marriage into an idol. And sometimes, if a spouse is doing something destructive, they have to bear the consequences of their actions. And, yes, that may mean that they leave. But ultimately that may be what God is asking us to do: to be the watchman on the tower, as it says in Ezekiel, and to issue warnings and to do what is right, and leave the rest to God. If people choose not to respond correctly in response, then that is on them, not us.
Leslie Vernick does such a good job in her books about talking about how we need to love our spouse more than our marriage. If we put the marriage before the spouse, then we may end up enabling sin. But if we put the spouse first, then we’re always working for their good, even if they reject it (and think of how many rejected Jesus!).
I know that this means that some women will have very, very difficult roads, and I know that I haven’t walked that myself (though I certainly did as a child, and I would argue that with my father, even if not with my husband, I do know what this is like). But that’s why we need support and that’s why we need a good church and that’s why we need help. But sometimes life is really, really hard. And I think that the Love and Respect message, when we’re in a very dysfunctional relationship, can actually make things worse, if that makes sense.
But I never meant to belittle what some women go through. Sometimes life is just overwhelming and terrible. It just is. But to pretend otherwise–to pretend that you can love him enough to give up the porn, or you can love him enough to make him stop drinking, or you can love him enough to stop him hitting you–that’s not truth. And I’d rather call people to truth than give them a half-hearted message that doesn’t really address the problem. But I know that’s hard. I really do. I’ve lived it. And my mom can attest that God’s grace is enough, no matter what happens.
I have been married for 36 years. I have had a great marriage with my husband except for his overinsistince on sex. I began our marriage with a back surgery. Over the years I have had 4 back surgeries; with 2 of them being extensive and outcomes were “Failed Spinal Back Fusions”. I also broke my neck at work and have a neck fusion. Other health issues compromising my marriage and sex life are fibromyalgia, neuroalgias caused from cut nerves during surgeries, spinal stenosis, scoliosis, Celiac Disease, IBS, High Blood Pressure, Depression, Anxiety, Malabsorption, Hypokalemia, and this year found out I have FTLDLB. (Frontal Temporal Lobe Dementia with Lewy Body) This Disease has been going on unnoticed for about 5 years they believe. There is no cure and the prognosis is 7-10 years.
I have been in so much sin just with my back, neck and fibromyalgia that I have not been able to offer sex to my husband lately. It’s been about 3 months. I was also bedridden for two weeks with dumping syndrome and just prior to that had lost my mother.
Well, two nights ago my husband told me he had to have sex and that meant even if he had to go find another woman. He said he had been looking at pornography and master bating to it every day for a while now because I wasn’t giving him any sex. He told me I could go to bed and find ways to please him without him having to get on top of me and hurt me to have intercourse. He doesn’t understand that when I lay down in bed I lay down easy onto my heating pad to get pain relief, not to turn over onto my side and start hurting myself to masturbate him or have him man handle my hurting, pain riddled body! I feel like he is being very selfish and I do not want to listen to him go through his arguement and “just listen to me” rhetoric again. I am 61 years old, suffering, hardly can walk through the house or make something simple to eat, use a walker to go everywhere. He doesn’t know what pain is!
I really feel if I could get help, I would move into a small place of my own.
Does anyone have any similar problems like mine? What would you do?
Mark baker
Love and respect
Google the above. He writes an excellent biblical perspective on the book.
http://www.hopeforlifeonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/LR_BiblicalOrDeceptive.pdf
Thanks, haven’t finished the article, my phone is not the best for viewing, however what I have read so far is very good!!
There are men who claim to be Christian who have so distorted scripture that they happily and heartily engage in perverted and abusive behaviors. They feel entitled to continue because their wife must unconditionally approve their actions. There are whole Christian communities that allow this to go on. I KNOW personally. When you have a man with a distorted idea of respect, submission, marriage and sexuality who is an active member of a Christian community that preaches unconditional respect equals unconditional approval of all behaviors then you WILL wind up with the women in those marriages suffering abuse. We are not talking about ideal Christian men, we aren’t even talking about Christian men. We are talking about men in the Christian community which latch onto perverted ideologies perpetrated by certain pastors who teach an imbalanced marriage picture waving a banner of Wives submit and divorce is never an option. Those ideas ONLY work when both spouses are devoted to Christ. This article is about women who are married to abusive perverts masquerading as Christians.
Very well put. Agree with everything you said!
I got fed up with stuff like this. It seems no matter what I do, it is never enough and I end up getting the finger pointed at me for being the enabler. You’re too respectful…you enabler. You’re not respectful enough…you enabler. I can never find that perfect center that initiates change. But, I can’t change him. I can only change myself, but because he doesn’t change I am still on the see saw. Enough is enough. At what point does someone take my back and point at him saying, “knock it off!”
I am done. I will no longer accept being called the enabler. His sin is his own. I am damned if I do nothing and damned if I do everything and damned if I do something, so I am stepping back and not taking responsibility for any of it.
Hey, Libl,
I totally hear you. It’s really frustrating when you’re in an impossible situation.
But what Sheila tries to do with this site is show women where they CAN make a difference. And ultimately, the only thing you can ever change is you. Sometimes you change and it does nothing because the other person is determined to sin. That’s tragic, but if you have taken steps to make sure you are acting in a way that helps point him and yourself to Christ in every way, that’s not on you. Sheila’s not saying “Shame on you for enabling,” what she’s saying is “if there’s a problem, and if you’re enabling, stop.”
She has never once said that if he doesn’t change it’s your fault. She makes that very clear in her book, 9 Thoughts That Will Change Your Marriage, actually. But what we’re about here is releasing bitterness, releasing anger and resentment, and choosing to be purposeful in pursuing a marriage that honors God. Sometimes that’s a one-sided marriage. Sometimes you’re going to be the only one doing what God wants. And it sucks, not gonna sugar-coat it. But that’s why we talk so much on here about what women can do–because it’s not God-honoring to dwell on what others should be doing but aren’t.
And sometimes what you should do is simply draw your boundaries and stay in them. And that includes not taking the blame for your husband’s sin, absolutely. And it takes a lot of prayer and a lot of wisdom to be able to tell when those times are.
Thanks, Honey! (Rebecca’s my daughter, and I was on a plane yesterday, so she jumped in the comments for me!)
libl, first {hug}.
Second, I actually think you’re on the right track. My husband has a drinking problem. A real problem is enabling that drinking problem — covering for him with family or work, fixing things that get broken, ignoring certain bad behaviors.
But one of the things that made me happier and freer was exactly what you said — not owning his problem any more. I didn’t make him drink, I can’t make him stop, but I can control how I react. If he throws a tantrum* because he’s drunk and doesn’t like something, I honestly don’t care any more. I don’t own his emotions. I choose not to let those emotions impact me. Those are my boundaries.
It is respectful of yourself (and your husband) to quit trying to own his choices. You do you. You do what is right and that’s all you can do.
{hugs}
* Just a disclaimer here: my husband is in no way violent or cruel when he drinks. That would be a whole different ballgame. He tends to just get emotional and petulant.
OKAY, THIS: “It is respectful of yourself (and your husband) to quit trying to own his choices. You do you. You do what is right and that’s all you can do.”
YES! That’s the proper definition of respect. To not try to control someone else’s behaviour, and to give them permission to make their own choices, as you also make your own choices. That’s respect. And I don’t think you can EVER respect too much with that definition. But we’ve distorted what respect means, and that’s bad.
Noooooo……just adopting an attitude, about a husband who drinks, for example, of “well, I’m just going to let him experience his own consequences….” obviously you’ve never experienced anything like this yourself in real life. This is where the Boundaries teaching starts to break down. The thing is, when you’re married, whatever happens to one automatically affects the other. This is especially true financially. Just “que sera, sera” with your husband’s drinking, and you will be having to collect cans and bottles soon to scrape enough money together to have food in your house. If he doesn’t follow through with taking care of his health by going to the doctor or the dentist, it’s your collective pocket that the money will be coming out of for the dental work, and it’s you that will be suffering right along with him when you have to take care of him in the hospital and try to stay afloat financially while he’s not working, due to ill health. It’s not as simple as you are trying to make it out to be.
I don’t disagree with the circumstances you laid out, but I think I disagree with you labeling it “respect.” Yes, you should have unconditional respect. No, that does not mean that you don’t speak up when wrong is happening, or protect yourself, or be treated like a doormat.
One can have boundaries and one can speak up for themselves in ways that are respectful.
So, it is not that I disagree with the examples, but I don’t think these things need to be done in a disrespectful way.
Agreed and I think that if you read more of Sheila’s posts you’ll see that she pretty adamantly speaks out against women speaking disrespectfully to their husbands. The problem is that many people believe that if you say anything against your husband–even if it’s against a sin of his–it’s disrespect.
That’s what Sheila’s speaking against–this idea that to draw boundaries is inherently disrespectful. Because in many churches, that’s how it’s presented, unfortunately.
Just wondering, where are both of you getting the claim that “many churches” are teaching these lies to women? Lies that they can’t have boundaries within marriage? Lies that they have to “respect at all costs,” like Sheila accuses all these Christian leaders of teaching? I’ve been a Christian all my life, grew up in a very Christian Baptist school, been to MANY different churches and listen to many different Pastors across the US on the radio… I have never heard them every teaching what you two are claiming here.
This article seemed very spiritually off to me because of this, as well as attacking the Love and Respect book implying that it also taught to “respect at all costs,” which you know… it just doesn’t 🙁 So that’s like a bold faced lie to your readers.
I’m almost 100% certain that “many churches” do not teach these lies to women… so reading this post came across as false accusations against **tons** of Christian leaders/churches/Pastors/marriage classes, etc. To me that’s really serious and why it felt very spiritually off.
Another thing… blog posts like this run popular because they tap into women’s emotions. It’s fine to get emotional about abuse, but it concerns me how you chose to blame all these churches for the root of their behavior that led them to get into abusive situations. If they’ve ever been in a situation like this and have little to no self-respect or dignity causing them to put up with it longterm, then they will read this and actually get angry at “many churches,” for teaching them to behave that way. When in reality, even the woman who posted this (how I came to find it) admitted she had been “groomed” to behave this way by being abused when little buy men in her family – it was not from teachings in her church. She had a bad experience with only one counselor, but her church was not teaching women to have no boundaries, or put up with abuse.
Y’all are tapping into strong emotions here of women who have been pushed around too much, abused, and walked on, tapping into that anger and turning it against the church by saying that “many churches” really teach these things.
I’m sure you really believe the churches are teaching women to have “no boundaries” and “respect at all costs,” otherwise why would you be writing it, but please hear me out… it is just definitely not true! Maybe churches could do well to focus more teachings on how women can have real self-respect and self-dignity – helping them to avoid getting into situations like that or prolonging them. But honestly, having that kind of mentality of little to no self-respect usually comes from childhood traumas, and is usually only capable of being fixed from intense counseling. It’s not usually an awareness of their behavior that can be turned on like a light bulb. Many of these women have friends that have been telling them that their husbands’ are abusing them for years, and they don’t have the ability to see it yet for all those years. One or two sermons probably wouldn’t help then (hopefully you can see this), but intense counseling taking months or years does. Another thing I’ve seen with these women is a divorce – something traumatic unfortunately – actually does seem to turn the light bulb on almost immediately. But again, I’m afraid your post could be fueling their anger at “many churches” for teaching them to accept this, when in reality, MANY churches DO teach boundaries within marriage and healthy submission/respect.
I’m so sad that I think your post is so off. 🙁 It’s sad to see someone so popular get it so twisted, and possibly cause these already hurt and angry women, to turn their anger toward the church when their issues were possibly there since childhood. And don’t get me wrong, it’s fine they’re angry at the abuse – that’s a step they have to take in healing! But in counseling with a psychologist/psychiatrist, they’d find out that their behavior (accepting the abuse for so long) – the root of the problem of WHY they stayed so long trying to make it work, probably started from something when they were a child – and rarely has to do with a church teaching that. I’m sure there are cultish groups that teach that, as well as religions like Islam, but to say “many churches,” I think y’all are making a huge mistake.
Hi Stephanie,
I totally agree that most churches don’t teach this. I really do.
But at the same time, there have been so many high profile scandals lately of churches which have ignored domestic abuse or told women that they were wrong to leave their husbands, even when abuse was present. Just Google Sovereign Grace Ministries, or IBD, or C.J. Mahaney, or Bethlehem Bible Church, or The Village Church. And many church leaders are now coming forward and renouncing what they have done to wives and telling them to stay in abusive situations, like this article detailing Bethlehem Bible. Over the last three years there have been more and more stories coming out, and I think churches are finally waking up to what many women have gone through. And so many women have commented on this blog that they have had nowhere to turn when they complained of emotional abuse at their churches and were told they just had to submit more.
I’m so glad you haven’t seen this. To be honest, I hadn’t really seen it either until I got online–and the emails started coming from women who were desperate. I also didn’t think it was that big a problem, until so many men started commenting here and telling me that I was wrong to ever teach women that it’s okay to question their husbands. And they quoted from books like Love & Respect. And I was so, so scared.
I’d point you to this post this week by Gary Thomas where he calls out the church for doing the same thing (and he’s seen it in his ministry, too).
I’m honestly glad that you haven’t seen it. Really. And I hope that this isn’t widespread. But unfortunately, I know that it is in some circles. And I do think that the theology in books like Love & Respect makes this sort of thing easier. Many people read that book and get a lot out of it, because they’re in good marriages. But there is some seriously questionable theology there. I think Nate Sparks does a great job of going over it, but the fact is that when people grow up in a church hearing that a man MUST make all the decisions or else the marriage is sinful, or that a woman MUST give sex because a man needs it, it’s very easy to create a dynamic where men feel entitled and women feel powerless, even if neither started out this way.
Let me give you an example. Before Mark Driscoll had to step down from his church in Seattle, at one point he made his wife stand in front of the entire congregation and repent because she had “sinned” against the congregation by not supporting the pastor and by not being a good wife. Her sin? She asked her husband to hold one of the children for a minute on a Sunday morning when they were getting ready for church. That poor woman was shamed and made to stand in front of the church and apologize for not being able to look after the children entirely on her own so that her husband could just be by himself with God–and ignore his kids.
This is not the mentality in my church. This is not the mentality in most churches that I see. But there are far too many churches where it is–and you can see the root of what Mark Driscoll told his wife in Love & Respect.
And because that book is so popular–it makes it easier for more and more churches to embrace this theology. It’s a huge best-seller. And I think it does need to be called out.
I’m glad that you don’t think that “most churches” teach having no boundaries as a woman, or to “respect at all costs,” but the words “most” and “many” are extremely close here and misleading.
I think you listed 5 churches/people and then also Mark Driscoll… that’s just 6 churches listed, compared to over 300,000 churches in the US alone, excluding Canada’s churches. 100 churches (which I highly doubt that many are teaching women to have no boundaries and respect “at all costs,” like you said) would only be 0.03% of churches in the US alone. So the 6 you listed are WAAY below 0 % here.
And they’re being called out, that’s a good thing. I think most Christians and Pastors would reject and help call those things out – and we’re seeing that… all this still doesn’t add up to what you and your daughter are writing here though. And Mark Driscoll has been publicly rebuked by everyone I’ve ever heard talk about him, he lost his ministry… I think dragging out his example after he’s already lost his ministry is unhelpful to your argument that so many are supposedly supporting his behavior. From what I saw in that scandal was “many” Christian leaders calling him out and helping to expose his wrong doings. This is an interesting article from a Pastor’s kid on why we should stop bringing that up when he’s already paid the consequences and lost his ministry….
http://www.patheos.com/blogs/inklingations/2014/11/11/to-christian-bloggers-from-a-pastors-kid-dont-follow-mark-driscoll-around/
Stephanie, the problem with Mark Driscoll is that HE HAS A NEW CHURCH. He is still pastoring, very close to where he was pastoring before. So is C.J. Mahaney. So are most of these disgraced pastors. And often the pastors that the churches are replacing the disgraced pastors with have the same theology!
It’s just so, so sad. So sad.
And I think we have to keep speaking up and say that it wasn’t that C.J. Mahaney, or Mark Driscoll, or all of these other men were particularly bad. It was that they had BAD THEOLOGY, and that’s what caused them to fall. And until we attack the bad theology, rather than just the people, we’ll just keep getting more pastors like this.
Does that make sense?
I think , Stephanie , you are being to critical to these ladies. There would be no way they could list off that many churches. You yourself don’t even know how they all believe. None of us do. But a lot of churches aren’t right. The Bible says there will be a great falling away.
I think that it really depends on the christian circles you walk in whether you experience this teaching or not. You are very blessed to have been in many different churches and not have experienced this. I have been in many different churches and have experienced it to one degree or another in EVERY single one of them.
Also the churches that Sheila listed are not just 5 or 6 churches, they have huge followings. Many churches practically worship the men who lead those 5 or 6 churches, meaning the teachings they put out affect more than just “their church”.
This teaching that Sheila has put out is hugely important. Just because you haven’t seen it doesn’t mean it’s not out there. Again, you are very, very blessed that you haven’t had to deal with this teaching. You have no idea what it does to a woman, especially when she grows up with it all her life, like I did.
I spent 25 years in a circle of churches were Ephesians 5:22 trumps all. My unbiblical submission has nearly wreaked my husband, my children and myself. I have been a doormat and a coward who stood by and did nothing but make excuses and tip toe around landmines. Healing didn’t start happening until I stood up and demanded counselling. We have a long way to go, but at least it’s a little better now.
Yes, I’d agree, TBG. That’s why I tried to point to the other post that I wrote one what respect should actually look like. But I don’t think I stressed that enough, so thanks for jumping in!
This is something my husband and I have wrestled with, and continue to wrestle with. Not because I don’t respect him – I do, deeply – but because when I display a “respectful” attitude and tone of voice, he doesn’t take what I’m talking about seriously. It just literally doesn’t register in his brain that this thing I’m talking about is a big deal to me. So then I get frustrated, I get mad, we end up in a fight, he accuses me of being “disrespectful” and starts lecturing me about how if I had used a “more respectful” approach he would have responded better…one day I finally figured out how to explain it to him. “I DID use a respectful approach. And you didn’t respond. That’s not on me, that’s on you. I am trying over here, but you have got to meet me halfway. I feel like I’m the only one putting in any effort on this and I’m really, really tired of it.” So we’ve been working on that. It’s a two way street.
Reading this post I have a mixed feeling of “yeah, that’s right” and “I don’t agree” at the same time.
This afternoon along with kids and household I was thinking about the why , and here are my thoughts:
I think the word “respecting” has all gone wrong in our society and so we make huge mistakes out of it (as very good described in your 10points) It’s like the “guy-movemnt”, whem they talk about “respecting “ they mean “celebrating them”, “supporting them” and “us to step back with our conscience and beliefs”. Same with the “Pro-choice-movement” .
But to truly respect the individual who chooses abortion doesn’t mean to “agree, supporting and helping them to get it done”… but to love the person, to show them with our life that they are unique, precious people, made and loved by God – but that we live by higher wisdom, a God who knows how devastating abortion and the consequences of it are.
I believe it is very much so in marriage.
To truly respect him is not by “enabling, covering his sins, taking the blame… but to show him honour and respect for who he is (his personality, not character) , who he is made to be (original design) . I believe if one does understand that, “respecting your husband” will never be a Christian pat answer.
And a husband who hears from his wife “I love you, but I can’t respect you any more” is surely more devastating for his manhood then it would be for a woman. For her, the words “you are not lovable to be any more but I still respect you… will be mostly more devastating.
I think it would be great to make a study about what “respecting” someone truly means, rather then limiting your article to “10 Signs You’re Respecting Your Husband Too Much”
I can not respect my husband too much… if I do it the right way.
That’s a great idea, Jeanne! I should do a follow-up that looks at that. I did write a post in the past about what true respect looks like (I totally agree with you there), but maybe a follow-up to this would be good.
That’s great, Melissa! Yes, coming to the realization that he isn’t listening when you’re talking is important. So talking about “how could I get your attention more or how could I signal that this issue is a 10 while others may only be a 5?” may be useful with him. Maybe he’ll have some good ideas! But I’m glad that you’re working in the right direction.
Sheila, I really loved this! It made me think a lot. And thinking about it I wouldn’t necessarily say the issue is respecting my husband too much but more so not respecting myself enough. In each point you made I can see that if I would respect myself instead of giving all my respect to my husband I could have a much healthier attitude and also a healthier relationship with my husband. Each person in the relaionahip needs to be respected and loved by each person. It is hard to love others when you dont know how to love yourself. And I think the same goes for respect. When I don’t respect myself it is much harder to show repect to my husband.
Oh, that’s a great way to put it! I love that. Yes, we need to respect ourselves, too.
Agree with the others a bit, but I also agree with you here as well.
But one thing that I really noticed is that if you can apply the same principles if you replace:
husband->wife
he->she
him->her
And all these principles still hold true. I did that, and I think these principles can actually go both ways.
1. You don’t confront your wife when she’s doing something wrong.
One of our big issues is her sexual refusal and gatekeeping – and part of that is my inability to actually confront her about it because I don’t like conflict (and its needed here). She flatly denies this, blaming me for it – but it really isn’t that big of deal anyways, she says.
2. You find yourself apologizing when you were originally sure it was her who started the problem.
I am always apologizing for the tension in our marriage, though I think part of that is her refusal/gatekeeping that started from night 1 of our marriage.
3. When something is wrong with the way your wife is treating you, your first thought is to berate yourself for not being a good husband.
I constantly do this – though even her OWN MOTHER tells me what a great husband I am. So it must be me.
4. You study your wife so that you can avoid “setting her off”.
Yup – and the sad part, I do it because it could ruin a possible night of intimacy (setting her off results in days of silent treatment) – which I know from experience most likely won’t happen anyways.
5. You study at length what you can do to turn the marriage around–which almost inevitably means being “nicer”.
Isn’t that what all the marriage books say about husbands? Sacrificial love, dying to self, unconditional love. Which I agree with, and do my best at, but which my wife uses as a weapon against me: “If you REALLY had sacrificial love/unconditional love/love like Jesus loved the church, you wouldn’t expect me to have sex with you more than every other month!” She has literally said this to me.
6. You run interference between your wife and your children.
She has a temper.
7. You make excuses for your wife to others.
When invited to “romantic” events like valentines day dinners and such, I beg out of it. Because she doesn’t enjoy those things – since it implies possible sex afterwards.
8. Your wife keeps secrets and blames you for it.
We have gone to counseling to this, but I was angrily told, “Don’t bring up that private stuff, thats only between you and me!”
9. You invest so much time in learning your wifes love language and in loving your wife, but she doesn’t do that in return.
Oh have I done this. Her love language is service, and time. So I work hard in the home (chores, kids, etc), and spending time with her (I do not have a social live outside of the family). Mine is physical touch – not only are we sexless, but the only time she literally touches me is hello/goodbye kisses (pecks), and an occasional good night. I try to initiate just cuddling (like in front of the TV – its like hugging a statue), or hand holding (like holding a dead fish). And of course, sex is out.
10. You force yourself to share your heart without any reciprocal need to share her body.
She always wants that emotional/communicational connection, which I understand. And I try to provide that as much as a can – this does not come naturally to me. But I’d say, for every effort I give, she gives a tenth or less of the same effort into our sex life.
BTW, I tried to recommend Sheila’s books here, and got a resounding “I don’t need any books telling me what to do!” Which I think says a lot about our sexual dysfunction – its denial, pure and simple. If we really did have a healthy sex life, she should say, “Hmm, maybe I could learn something – it would be fun to find out anyways!” Nope.
John, I am so sorry. What happened in her past to make her think and act like this? Or does she truly have narcissism? Your counselors need to push harder and more firmly to the epicenter of her mind and emotions to figure this out. This is to the point of ridiculousness if she wasn’t traumatized relentlessly as a child. I so wish I could help you both.
Yes John, these points apply to everyone, they’re not gender-specific. Which is why the book is question is so dangerous.
Was your wife a selfish person while you were dating or did something change after marriage? Does she have friends? How do they see her? What is her family of origin like? I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Angie/Lisa, we are in counseling right now with our church, we’ve both had enough at this point.
In our first couple counseling (together, we’ve been separately counseled for a bit), we went over our weaknesses/strengths. I went first, and listed a ton of weakness (I’ve had my eyes opened to a lot from my counselor) – lack of leadership, passivity, giving up, etc. All correct. When it was her turn, they had to literally drag out of her lack of sexual intimacy and even just affection. And I almost literally mean drag. She finally, reluctantly, with a lot of eye-rolling, get her to admit that there just might possibly be a problem here with that. She was very angry afterwards that night – claimed she was “attacked” and not enough was paid attention to “your problems” (in a 1 hr meeting, we spent about 40 mins going over me).
Far as I know, she wasn’t abused (I’ve asked directly). Her counselor is working/pressing her on this, but I’m not privy to what they are talking about, but I guess it is possible. Is it bad for me to hope that is the cause of all of this? At least its something that can be dealt with or addressed, with a counselor? Thats something I can “fight” with her, not against her. But if its just plain old selfishness – not much I can do about that.
Her father is not very affectionate (I’ve never seen her parents kiss except on Valentines day or New Years), so that could be it too, maybe.
Outside of the bedroom, she is great. Really, I mean . Lively, very organized, in-charge, independent, fun, outgoing, has lots of friends, a good mother. Really, I mean it – she is awesome.
I’m an easy going guy, so not much bothers me – the lack of intimacy and affection is really the only thing that bothers me. But its getting to be just life-choking to me. I really can’t take anymore. Its just this one dang issue. She literally just doesn’t care about it all that much (has told me this). She’s fine with 5 or 6 times a year – and that I should just “deal with it” – literally told me this. Of course, MY issues (and I do have them – and I am working on them with the counselor) – are, to her, the REAL issues. So I’m doing what I can to “fix me”. All I can do is hope that it helps her see how her side of this also causes problems, or that someone, somehow, gets thru to her.
John,
Reading your post left me feeling rather convicted. I realized that i do to my husband what your wife does to you, though to a substantially lesser extent. This is NOT biblical, and your post made me think about it from his perspective, not just my own.
Thank you. I’ll be praying that your wife comes to see how much you need her, in spirit, in mind, and in body. And I’ll be working to ensure that i am giving my husband all that he needs from me!
John, my heart really breaks for you as I’ve been reading your comments over the last little while. I wonder if the counsellor is talking to your wife about vulnerability and/or control? It sounds like that really is the root of the issue–that she’s afraid to be vulnerable or to give up control. I’m just wondering if that’s been explored at all?
I don’t know, its possible. She is a major OCD control freak on everything else, so I wouldn’t discount it.
So, The last 2 weeks we’ve been going over the biblical roles of wives and husbands with reading material our counselors gave us. We went over it individually, then talked about it together. I’m a big student-guy, so I had like, 50 pages of notes on everything, concentrating on how I interpreted things, and on how I feel about the topic, if its a weakness/strength for me, etc, and ways I plan to address my side of things. She, not so much, but she did go over it and took some notes.
It was a big-eye opener for me (husbands roles). I can see how I’ve failed majorly on a lot of things. So, I’ve been working on them. Big one for her is communicating, sharing thoughts, etc. I feel I’ve worked hard on these two for the past month (with little effort from her on the sex part).
For her, I think I’m seeing that she is getting that its a valid argument that our sex frequency and variety has been a problem for nearly 25 years, and that her refusal and gatekeeping is a big part of it. We had a big talk about submission in this area (both her own and our mutual submission to each other). For example, oral sex for me – I’ve asked only twice (outside of bedroom) for her to consider trying this, never pressured her, but its never happened for me – while I do it all the time to her (“all the time” meaning the 5-6 times a year we have sex). She told me “I am not at the ‘no-way’ stage”. Maybe a change is happening in her? I don’t know – I’ll have to see what happens. But it was an encouraging discussion for me, so I’m becoming more hopeful. I’m hopeful that her counselor will also “push” her in the right direction.
John, similar problems in my marriage. I had a very eye opening realization that I as a woman had only ever equated sex with lust. Sex was completely severed from love for me, due to our culture mostly. Sex to me was a man using a woman as an object…and I wanted nothing to do with it. Though I loved and desired my husband deeply, I could not bear to be “used” by him. Longer story than I have time to type but through the help of God I have come to see that giving myself to my husband helps him to feel this love. That is what changed. Looking at sex as an opportunity for me to express my love, and for me to feel his souls desire for my soul. Before it had been about bodies, not the connection of our souls. Not sure if your wife suffers from these misconceptions, but I’ll pray for you.
That’s a beautiful story, Rach! Thanks for sharing.
I pray in Jesus name that your wife hears from the Lord, someway somehow. That the Holy Spirit opens her eyes to this. I am sorry to read about what you have gone through.
Wow John. I was thinking the same thing. At first I was reading this to see if I felt my wife was respecting me on these 10 and I suddenly realized that *I* was guilty of almost all of these with my wife!
I also gave up trying to get her to even look at relationship issues. I finally just had to focus on getting myself emotionally stable.
I’m glad that you realized that! I don’t think this is a gender issue at all EXCEPT in the sense that women are often taught to respect their husbands while husbands aren’t taught that. But the actual dynamics? Nope, not a gender thing. That can go both ways. And what people actually need is boundaries!
John, I TOTALLY AGREE that the dynamic is one that can go either way with genders. It really can. Boundaries are so important for BOTH spouses.
The only difference here is that I was reacting to teaching that sets women specifically up to create this dynamic. But that doesn’t mean that ONLY women can create this dynamic. Not at all. And I’m so sorry that your marriage is so hard!
John I am grieved to hear of your suffering. I pray that God will give you comfort and convict your wife of her sin. She is robbing you of something that is rightfully yours according to 1 Corinthians 7.
Sexual defraudment is such a grievous sin that God allows a wife to lawfully divorce her husband over it (Exodus 21:10) even though divorce is something He hates (Malachi 2:16). Given that it only makes sense that sexual defraudment is a sexual sin that would fall under the generic label of “fornication” that Christ gave us limiting the reasons a man could lawfully divorce his wife (Matthew 5:32, 19:9).
That said, I want to encourage you to keep being Christ-like and suffering for your marriage’s and children’s sake for as long as you are possibly able to endure, hopefully until death do you part.
I wonder whether you read the book Love and Respect… He doesn’t expect or want women to be doormats. It sounds to me like you are reacting to someone’s bad interpretation of his ideas.
I have read the book. Twice.
I’ve heard him speak.
Yes he does expect women to simply accept all kinds of immature and selfish behavior from their husbands. Hearing him speak in person was even worse than the book. Every time he have an example of a martial conflict, he pretended to be a wife. He screwed up his face, used an extremely annoying whiny voice, and then rolled his eyes when he was finished.
A few people walked out.
I stayed because I wanted to be sure I was actually getting his full talk,in case he managed to redeem himself at the end.
In addition, he completely perverts the account of the fall in Genesis by suggesting that Eve WENT TO GO GET ADAM. Every single translation of the Bible states that Adam was with Eve when Satan was tempting her/them.
He also completely discounts the number of times the Bible refers to God as love and that anyone who doesn’t love, doesn’t know God. He claims that women are naturally loving and naturally lacking in respect. He claims that men are naturally respectful but naturally lacking in love. If you accept his theory, then women are more godly than men. (I don’t accept his theory and I don’t believe this.) While there are generalities that can be drawn down gender lines, both men and women need and give love and respect.
His psychology is bunk.
His theology is scary.
I am SO GLAD you wrote this post.
It is DISRESPECTFUL to simply accept that your husband is a petulant child and incapable of growing up.
So the idea that you should treat him with respect if he’s acting that way, I agree with that. But respect doesn’t mean smiling and telling him how wonderful he is when he’s not. That’s called lying.
I’ve read the popular book that espouses this whole love vs respect idea. It had a few good points in it and a whole lot of whining. Honestly, I feel sorry for that man’s wife. He thinks she’s out of control for wanting him to pick up his wet towels. And I heard him speak at a church event. He encouraged the wives in the audience to “go somewhere else in their head” while having sex. That’s a whole blog post right there.
The people who beat women over the head with the demand for respect have a complete misunderstanding of the Bible.
Did Jesus disrespect the Pharisees? No. He cared enough about them to tell it like it was.
Thank you Lisa!!! I read the book too, and the theory is full of crap for women in this day and age. I need RESPECT first. Then you can try to love me. I’ve been through too much bad stuff in my past to tolerate less.
We were once at a mess, where the (fairly elderly) priest talked for long about how important it is for the wife to respect the husband unconditionally, and not to criticize him. Such things can still be encountered occasionally, and they are disheartening, and potentially harmful, but they do seem to be fading away into the past.
ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK!!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Oh. My. Word.
How much have I been preaching the EXACT OPPOSITE over the last year? We women need to STAY PRESENT and learn how to experience pleasure and feel intimate. To go somewhere else in your head is to totally turn yourself into an object. That’s TRULY scary. I wish I had the tape of when he said that. I would call him out publicly for it.
I seriously got chills reading that quote! So much of my sexual issues stem from this very thing, I can’t believe someone who is FOR marriage would encourage it! I hope you find something on tape Sheila so you can call him out on it! This is too serious an issue to ignore
I know!!!! I think that’s one of the scariest things I’ve read in a long time. I’m going to email her and see if she can give me an approximate date or anything.
Oh, my goodness.
Hi Shelia, I didn’t see an email but I saw this. I can only pin it down roughly, around 2008-2009. It was at a church in Wisconsin. I doubt we were allowed to record it, I know that I didn’t. It was in the context of the husband needing sex and the wife needing give it to him. It was his solution to the wife not being interested.
I don’t know your policy for posting other blog posts so feel free to remove this. This post lists page numbers for many of the book’s dangerous statements.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/natesparks130.com/2016/06/06/love-respect-and-consent/amp/
Thanks, Lisa! I appreciate it.
I wonder if that church wax Elmbrook. I think he came to speak there, but we didn’t go to it.
All ten of these are happening in my marriage at the moment…especially #10. How does one go about starting to correct these problems? Is it right to withhold sex because of this? I am at a loss as to how to begin establishing boundaries and how to get my husband to talk about our issues (all of which he thinks are my problems not our problems). I’m beginning to think this is a lost cause and there’s no hope for us.
It sounds like you are in a very bad spot. I would recommend Leslie Vernick’s book, “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage” to help you figure out where you’re at in your marriage & then to help you start taking steps to correct it. It was a life-saver for me. I will pray it is for you also. You will probably need to get a counselor involved to help you, one who is familiar with the emotionally destructive marriage. I went to lots of counseling before I knew what I was in the middle of & it absolutely made it worse, not better. This is a very important point. You need someone to help you develop CORE strength so you can set healthy boundaries with your husband, not someone who is going to blame you for what it going on when you are probably doing everything you can think of to make your marriage work.
I love that book! I totally second that recommendation. I’ve written about it here.
Hi there! That’s so tough, and I have written before for women in that situation. This post may help you. I also think that if you’ve been acting in this way a long time, it may be really, really helpful to see a counsellor and to try to talk through some of these issues, so that she (or he) can teach you better ways of responding to negative behaviour. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this!
Thank you both for replying. I actually bought that book almost a year ago but haven’t read it all the way through mostly due to being in denial of the state of our marriage. I think I’ll pick it back up again. I brought up the idea of couples marriage counselling and my husband told me we could go if it will help me (not us) so I didn’t push the issue any further. I have been thinking about going by myself though. I really don’t have anyone to talk to about all this with so maybe that will help me sort all of this out.
Oh I love this post! It fits my sister’s marriage to a T and perfectly describes everything I’ve been wanting to tell her for years (It also describes my parents’ marriage when I was younger as well). Would it be passive aggressive to send my sister this article? She does not tell me much directly but what I have observed time and time again over the years has confirmed it. Her husband is very controlling and lazy and resentful whenever he has to do the smallest household task or even take care of his own children. My sister is constantly telling me how she feels she needs to be more grateful and more understanding. It makes me sick.
I have read the Love and Respect book, and I agree with most of it. It works for my marriage because my husband is the most humble and giving man I have ever met. However, it doesn’t work when the husband is stubborn and selfish like my sisters husband. She truly is the “perfect” wife and mother. She doesn’t have a mean bone in her body. It just breaks my heart to see her treated this way.
Hi Becky! Yes, I think it’s okay to send her the article. 🙂 But I may tell her WHY. And I may also send her this one, about how you can try and try and try but the problem is that you’re trying the WRONG THINGS.
I think the title is a bit unfortunate. I don’t think you can respect your husband too much. Especially when you are talking about respect in a Biblical way and as Jesus taught all of us to treat one another. What you are describing are respect imposters. They masquerade as respect but in reality aren’t respect at all…or love for that matter. And I completely agree with you that both men and women need both love and respect. You can’t have one without the other and both genders need both. I think it is dangerous to stereo type the genders into a one size fits all formula. It rarely holds up to reality or to the Bible. When you look at the Myers-Briggs personality test the majority of men are thinkers and the majority of women are feelers…but not all. In my marriage, I am the thinker and my husband is the feeler so the love and respect thing just doesn’t add up for us. My husband as a feeler needs to feel loved and I, as a thinker need to feel that my husband respects me. I just don’t think you can separate the two. Both exist and flourish in a happy, healthy relationship.
So agree, Melissa! We both do need both. And I totally agree about gender stereotyping, too. Both my hubby and I are thinkers. It is different for different couples.
Love this post Sheila!I am one of those wives who needed to understand healthy boundaries, mutual respect and treating each other like grown-ups! And I learned a lot of that right here on your blog, years ago 🙂 Not everyone needs the reminder, if their marriages are thriving (all though a little tune up doesn’t hurt!) but couples with chronic unhealthy patterns do!
SO TRUE, Ngina! In reading the article again I’m not sure if I stressed that enough, and it’s been bugging me. For many people, respecting TOO MUCH is not an issue, because they really don’t respect at all, and they should. And in other cases, they have a healthy marriage, and so learning new ways to love and respect is great. But in marriages where they’re unhealthy, OR in marriages where you think that he should make all the decisions so you deliberately back away and then start to feel like a doormat, you need this reminder. But we’re all different!
Oh, I am so looking forward to this weeks posts! The theme of rebuilding trust is very timely for me.
One thing I am struggling with is the line between letting my husband work through the hurt that I have caused him, and still having healthy boundaries so we can move forward. At the moment he is really hurting, angry and betrayed, because over the past week I confessed to a major sin from the past, so his world is really shaky right now. However, we are both committed to staying together and moving forward. I think that to move forward, we need healthy boundaries (eg, I don’t think name calling is healthy or moving in the right direction), but at the same time I want to give him the space he needs to get angry, and permission to feel hurt, I just don’t know how to marry those things together. I don’t want to feel like I cant say no to him, or take him to task for other issues, because my past sin was so big and so hurtful that it trumps all others. I have repented of the horrible way I acted then, and have changed in so many ways, but I still struggle when I come up against ‘well this is no where near ad bad as what you did to me, so I’m ok with it’. I don’t know what to do to fix this…
Also, Sheila, do you have any posts about how to move past your past? Specifically about getting over things that I did before I was a Christian, now that I am a new creation in Christ?
Wow, that’s such a tough thing to be going through! And as the one who has done something wrong, it’s even harder for you I think to give him that space. I’ve written about that previously; this post may help you.
I am guilty of all if these. I mean ALL of them. I even had my closest friend read it nd she confirmed that yes, i did those things. Huge eye opener. Im recently divorced. Right before the divorce i attended a love and respect conference. The husband refused to join me so went myself. After the conference i wrote im a letter listing the s i had “disrespected” him and said i as sorry. His response was an apology for being a “less than ideal husband”. (Not an apology for lying, cheating, stealing, or betraying me) Ive realized that by using “respect” in a way that removes accountability thats not respect at all. Its more like he christian circles are teaching women to give unconditional obedience to their husbands- but that is also sinful because our obedience should be to Christ alone. I failed to confront my husband or hold him accountable because he taught me i would lose his love when i did. He used silent treatment and witholding sex whenever i stood up and confronted the issues, or got upset at his behavior. I always feared him leaving me- and now hes gone. If had done the right thing, been open, straightfoward, and held him accountable, i may have had less emotional strife over his loyalties (or lack of).
Oh, MMHC, I’m just so sorry for everything you went through! I think we need to get back to the idea of “spurring each other on to love and good deeds.” I really, really do. How do people think that anything else is what God wants? All the role stuff that we’re often taught too often becomes telling women to cover up sin, and it’s really sad. I’m so sad for you.
I think you have mixed up the words respect and doormat. I don’t believe a wife can show too much respect. However, being a doormat isn’t respectful of either of them.
I would agree–if you use the proper definition of respect. The problem comes that the way that “respect” is taught in this book and often from the pulpit really ends up being a “doormat” type relationship. And that’s what I’m reacting too. I actually do think it’s possible to respect someone unconditionally–but it would look far more like drawing good boundaries than it would approving of anything someone did. That’s all.
So I have a totally different take. I don’t think it’s the words “respect” or “love” that are the problem; it’s the word “unconditional.” Can you tell me where we get this notion of unconditional love from the Bible?
We can see God loving us first, loving us extravagantly, loving us beyond anything we can imagine. But if you continually mistreat God, isn’t there a point where He says, “Done,” and you reap the consequences of your sin?
I know how controversial this is going to come across, but I’ve thought this through deeply. Unconditional love is something that sounds good, but I would not keep unconditionally loving or respecting a person who beats me to a pulp or smacks around my kids. So let’s just admit that, yes, there are some conditions to our love and respect.
That’s a really interesting way of looking at it. And, after all, even God gave Israel a “certificate of divorce” in the Old Testament!
I would say, though, that “unconditional love” can mean acting in their best interests even if it ruins your relationship. So you refuse to put up with the abuse and you demand that he sees a counsellor and you move out of the house; you refuse to give your drug addicted sister money and she never talks to you again; you tell your mother she can’t see her grandkids if she continues to talk like that around them. These are all actually loving things to do, but they could end up severing the relationship.
There’s just no equivalent with respect, though, is there?
After 41 years in what I now know has been an emotionally destructive marriage, I could be the poster child for the hyper respectful wife in every way. Last year I read the emotionally destructive marriage and saw I have been living in a denial sate of mind and following the hyper fundamental advice to give more do more love more respect more…..
This article is so on point , respect done wrong creates a tidal wave of damage to both parties.
I stood up and confronted my husband , it’s at times been brutal as he just escalted his abuse and learned to be more sophisticated in manipulation and control. I had decided to leave and he broke down and is now in counseling .
The wrong kind of respect gave my husband a wicked entitlement attitude that has corrupted his walk with God and now to his horror he see his own sons ruining their relationships.
The Holy Spirit showed me as I read “love and Respect”, That I was not to allow corruption of Gods precepts by a man to influence my ability to love as God loves, and let that love start with Gods love and concern for me.
Thank you for this article….amen and amen
“The wrong kind of respect gave my husband a wicked entitlement attitude that has corrupted his walk with God and now to his horror he see his own sons ruining their relationships.”
Excellent point.
I hope that your husband is able to communicate to his sons these truths that he has learned.
I agree, lack of respect on both sides from men and women is the biggest killer of relationships. I also think that some churches discourage self-esteem. I was at a bible study once where a woman stated, ” I have no self- esteem, I only have God ” and broke down sobbing. She stated it though, as being the standard experience of a woman serving God, and as an example of her dedication. I don’t know how many women were in agreement with her, but all my red flags went up. At another study a women came in with a very strange hairstyle, that I could see she was uncomfortable with and immediately said, ” I know my hair looks strange, but my husband likes it , so this is how I will be wearing it…. ” my heart went out to her, and my red flags went up. I was looking up to these women, but was mostly disturbed by what they were accepting as the Christian experience.
The church also seems to not want to address the fact that husbands and wives need to be lovers. Passion between husbands and wives is not worldly, it is essential ! I just feel that if these factors, if not properly addressed can spell doom for a marriage.
Oh, Gina, that’s so sad about those Bible studies! I hope that women realize that they are VALUABLE in God’s eyes. Both men and women were created in His image, to show different elements of who He is. And I think we have the idea that men show the “better” side of God and women are somehow disposable. No, we need BOTH! So sad.
And I agree about passion, too!
Sheila ,
Very thought provoking to help wives understand that life is difficult. It also makes the Bible practical and not a “one size fits all” philosophy.
I appreciate how you wrapped up this post. Looking forward to your next post.
Oh my goodness! How I wish I could have known this 30 years ago. I could never understand that Love & Respect book. Women need respect just as much as men do. No wonder it has connections to Bill Gothard. I gave my husband all the respect I could. He treated me like a doormat. And our children followed his example. And then HE had an affair! Ladies, listen to Sheila. People will respect you when you respect yourself. And if he gets angry about you having boundaries, so what. He doesn’t really love you then anyway.
I’m sorry that you went through all of that! So sorry. But boundaries ARE biblical, and I hope that more people start to realize that! Much of the teaching that we’ve had on marriage in the last few decades is very slanted and can be dangerous. If you’re in a great marriage–it works great. But if you’re not in a great marriage–it enables people to act even worse. And I just find that scary.
Sheila, I recently found your website, and while I am not married at the moment or in a relationship, this really hit home for me even With my relationship with my father. All of these things I did with him, and I am just learning about healthy boundaries. He’s been controlling and “Respect” is big for him. I’m definitely still walking it thru and letting go of resentment, guilt and bitterness.
Thank you for your ministry and how you share the truth of God’s word practically!
Hi Anastasia, welcome to the website! I’m so glad that you’ve found this article helpful. Sometimes when we start creating some boundaries, too, our relationships actually get better. Maybe not in the short term, but in the long term, because they learn that they can’t treat us like that anymore. I really hope that’s the case with your father!
Anyone have suggestions on how you can stop these behaviors? Meaning, I can identify with several of these points, but practically how can I show respect without that “doormat” feeling. I love my husband very much and realize now (after a very bad experience between us) that I have enabled him for a long time. Any suggestions for “starting over” when it comes to respect and boundaries.
Hi Amanda,
That’s a great question! I have a lot more about this in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage which will likely help quite a bit. The book Boundaries is also really good at showing you how to create boundaries, and where they need to be used. That could likely help you!
Hi Sheila!
I’m a fairly new follower I’ve been following your blog for a couple months now, this is a great article and it something that both men and women struggle with I love how you bring it to light and everything we do we should put God first love our wife or love our husband as Christ loved the church I know it’s hard to do all the time but here’s the catch Christ gives me grace all the time, every day even when I don’t deserve it.
happy holidays and merry Christmas
Marcus
Thanks so much, Marcus!
This is a wonderful epistle. However, I wish to suggest that you write a follow-up article about what women who see such signs in their marriage should do to correct the situations. This is because some women are suffering in their marriage without knowing what to do.
I think this is a great article. Respect does not mean allowing someone to overstep moral, ethical, boundaries or to allow someone to disrespect us. In other words, if my husband is being disrepectful of me by being secretive, dishonoring, passive aggressive, abusive, or just plain rude, then I feel it is my responsibility to bring conversation into the open in order to resolve the issue. If the issue is abuse, I have a responsiblity to confront his sin with another Christian and also protect myself. Another example: If he is texting other women, I don’t have to respect his right to privacy because it disrespects me and our marriage. Even if he is just plain texting at the table while we are having a meal together it is just rude and I need to bring that to his attention .. If “respecting ” my husband is “disrespecting” me then we have a problem.
Very, very well put, Jenine!
It’s all a little confusing for me still. I’ve never really heard this twist on taking a stand when your husband is way out of line and being verbally abusive and talking mean in front of the kids. But sheila is the second person that has said to do this. Stand your ground or it can be your fault that he acts that way. In a nice way of course. It’s been really hard for me not to feel like a doormat and I’m not sure how to figure all this out. He says if I talk like that I’ll have to move out. My name is on the house but he says he’s the one that pays for it since I’m the homemaker. I’ve never felt much love at all in our marriage from the beginning. I’m only 30. I tend to just shut up and not want to discuss the house issue etc. And of course a ton more, because it leads to arguments and then I feel I maybe was a little harsh, or at least he then blames it all on me. I’m still trying to figure out how to show respect but at the same time say what is needed in a good way. I don’t want to become bitter at men. I know all men aren’t that way. My dad isn’t. And also on the point of keeping secrets, it’s more like he asks and questions me all the time about stuff and making sure I’m doing exactly what he wants,and expects me to tell him every detail of a past situation and I did. And he knows that. But during that time he won’t say what he did and gets all quiet and upset and only tells me the “ok” stuff he did. It makes me feel used and that I told every detail cause I’m the wife and no one can make Him tell cause he’s the husband. I homeschool and keep my house very clean but I don’t feel like when I have stress of the daily life , that theres someone to turn to. He just always says how much worse his day at work was and names everything he had to do and it makes me feel worthless. If I feel sick, he has to tell me where his body aches. It’s a never ending thing. He’s been nicer the past few days ,but he’s been quite sick. And normally he’s nice for a few days and gets ornery again. Goes back and forth all the time. But I worry that I might not be doing everything right. I don’t want to be silent if I should speak up. I’m trying to do better on that and ask God to help me. Thanks!
Thank you. I think the biggest thing I hear in this article is that we need to be honest. It’s not respect if we are hiding anything.
I’ve been a doormat. Thinking it was respect. But I had zero respect in my heart while I felt like I wasn’t being heard or treated well. I took over all responsibilities with the false hope I could control my husband’s out of control spending and irresponsible actions. Then I nagged. All the while the spending continues and he gets upset if I mention money. And hurt and offended. It doesn’t matter that our family hurts when our bills aren’t paid. A few times no hot water. Once no electricity. Once almost lost our house.
I think this article addresses what Jesus did in handling people. He was honest.
When our husbands behavior hurts our family, we can address it.
But I see where healthy people are confused. They most likely don’t struggle with the denial aspect of it.
Irresponsible men find enabling women who want to fix. But if it’s hiding the truth or sugar coating it. It’s a lie. That is sin.
I recently pretended (read lied) to our financial advisor because we had three months of no money coming in last year. I pretended that’s normal when you are in business.
But the truth is my husband did not go out and look for business during that time. He made excuses and refuses to run his business in a way that can support our family.
I have to confront it. And I’m buying the book boundaries in marriage today.
I grew up making excuses for my mom. So now I’m making them for my husband. That’s not respect. I have no respect when I’m hiding painful reality from people to make my husband look good. His actions should have consequences for him, but I have taken them on myself. No more.
WOW, CT! It sounds like God has been taking you on quite the journey to truth! I’m so glad that I could be part of that, and I highly recommend Boundaries in Marriage. I pray that God will take you deeper, and that He will help you to learn to start growing effective boundaries. That’s exciting, even if it’s scary!
I really appreciate this article. I tried so hard to show my husband respect, and it ultimately freed him from consequences of his actions and made him feel free to do as he chose. He stopped seeing me as a person to love and cherish and saw me as a person to use how he saw fit. Now I’m going through divorce and he’s living with his girlfriend. After so long of me trying to protect him from consequences he’s now acting like a child with having to face consequences.
Oh, I’m so sorry, Beka. That’s awful. Just know that God does see the heart, and He knows how hurting you are, and He is close to you. I’m sorry.
Beautifully written and right on target!
I was married for 14 years. It started off good but progressed to extreme domestic violence. My personality is rather laid back and accepting so when he started controlling me and wasn’t happy I tried all of the above… Nicer. More submissive. Respectful… Etc.
The Lord tried to show me that I was feeding a monster by doing this, instead I listened to lies by the church and the abuse got worse and worse. He end up in jail and I ended up in years of therapy.
I am now happy divorced from him and with a man I believe God put me with. I’ve never been happier and I’m seeing God work with both of us. It’s truly faith building and amazing!
Stand up for good and rightousness and if he isn’t a willing partner in your marriage get out before he destroys you and your children. If you don’t you are joining in the evil and not going to see God’s best for you.
This is for both men and women.
Sheila, this post is very timely for me! I realize it was first published a year ago, but boy, did I ever need to read it today!
I have been guilty of “respecting my husband too much,” and it has cost me emotionally and physically. By nature, I am a very giving, loving, forgiving person. My husband of nearly 14 years has taken advantage of this. Trying harder to be “nicer,” more loving, more respectful, keeping the peace at all costs, etc., has only made me lose myself, hurt my children, and has produced a daily level of anxiety in myself trying to deal with him.
The truth is, with certain types of people (Narcissists?) it’s never enough. When I give, he only takes more. My challenge now is to instill firm, healthy boundaries (which I have been working on the past couple years), and to pray for a major breakthrough. If that can’t happen, I will have to take more extreme measures to free myself and my children from this very difficult, dysfunctional man and the life we have.
This blog post is one I will keep and refer back to often.
Thank you! This has been a very helpful article. I believe wholeheartedly in the Bible and what God commands us as far as respecting our husbands and have worked hard at trusting God even when I don’t trust some of the choices my husband makes that has hurt our family. I absolutely respect him as a person and his God-given role as head of our home, and I love him. But my husband tells me that if I don’t agree with his behavior/choices and support them 100% (whether good or bad), then I’m not respecting him. I don’t believe that is true respect. I appreciate what you’ve written about respecting his right to choose his behavior – and that I get a choice too. And also that respecting someone means helping them become more Christ-like, not enabling them to be less like Christ. I enabled my husband by doing all of what you’ve listed here, and we have been in serious trouble. Boundaries are a good thing to help, protect, love and respect both of us – I’m learning to set them even though it is causing some huge repercussions. Thanks for your encouragement!
I’m so glad it helped you, Laura!
This article seems pretty silly. Couldn’t you title the article “10 Signs You’re Loving Your Wife Too Much” and pretty much find and replace “husband” and “wife” throughout the article?
Women have such a problem understanding respect I think this article doesn’t help in any way shape or form.
It’s like saying I “love my wife too much” if I excuse and tolerate her bad behavior. No, that’s just twisting the definition of love and ends up confusing the issues.
Actually, Ralph, I think that a man very well COULD love a wife too much and end up enabling bad behaviour.
And that’s the problem–a lot of the advice that we’re given in Christian circles does exacerbate bad behaviour, rather than pointing us to Christ. I thought I had made that point very clearly.
I am fairly new to your blog and am enjoying going through the earlier posts. I am a Christian but am not sure which passage in the Bible expressly tells wives to respect their husbands. I thought that all of us are supposed to respect each other, and not just wives with husbands? I am confused as to what actually constitutes respect.
My husband has issues with porn and has detached himself from the marriage and made it clear that he will not come near me. He has no cares that he is not fulfilling his obligations to me as his wife but expects me to stay on in this marriage. he has not been faithful to me but expects me to tow the line. Sometimes the loneliness is unbearable but I just look to God.
My husband likes to decide everything although he calls it giving his views. He alone decided which house to purchase and then I had to pay the mortgage. If he does not like visiting any particular country, we will not be able to go there. Early on in the marriage he used to decide which outfit was nice enough to wear or which hand bag was nice and then I could buy it. Subsequently I rebelled and now I buy what I like but never tell him the price or he will explode. He does not even like to tithe and only gives a few dollars each time. I feel terrible and I am to blame. I should have insisted that we pay out tithes. Sometimes I sneak in some money into the offering bag but don’t tell him how much I put in or he will have plenty to say.
He is not trustworthy with money. He wanted a joint account since he is not employed (he has not worked for almost 18 years). I almost gave in to him as I did not want him to feel inferior or “moneyless” but I did let him have access to my savings account years ago. I regret doing this as he takes out quite a bit of funds each month, on top of paying for our bills but has never given me an account of the expenses or what he does with the funds. Once he used about $3000 on his girlfriend and shouted at me when I confronted him. I am actually fearful of him, I am not sure why but I reckon I have always been a timid person and don’t like confrontations and am apprehensive of his anger.
I got so tired and weary of living like this and on the advice of a couple of websites, I started a secret savings which he is not aware of. I have no plans to tell him as he might find ways to use up the funds. Plus I am not sure if my marriage will end in divorce and I may need the funds myself. But I make sure that my family’s expenses are catered for first and no one goes without. My mother sold her property recently and wants to give me a sizable portion of the proceeds. I plan on giving some to God and saving up the rest for myself and our child. I do not plan on telling him or he will ask for money to start up a business etc. He has some savings but he is secretive about it and some retirement savings.
I find it hard to respect him and all that Christians like to do is to command wives to respect their husbands, no matter what the husbands are like. But
how?
Annie
Oh, Annie, you’re in a terrible situation! I’m so sorry. This really isn’t a question of respect. This is a question of: “What will most glorify God right now?” And the truth is that God is not glorified when your husband is enabled to act abusively and selfishly. God is not glorified when your husband watches porn, has affairs, spends your money on girlfriends, and blows up at you.
He needs to understand the consequences of his actions, and needs to start acting responsibly. It sounds like your mother is trying to help you. Can you also get a counsellor to talk to who will help you figure out what to do next? And it’s likely a good idea to speak to a lawyer, too. This is not a good situation, and God does not want you treated like this. Please seek out some help so that you can understand what it looks like to have some boundaries. When we enable people to treat us badly, we’re pointing them away from Christ, not towards Him. When we act in such a way that people have to respect us, then we’re pointing people towards more Christlike behaviour.
I’m also new here and going through old posts. I have already found much unteresting and helpful stuff, and this is a very good article.
I was read ing troughtthe comments and I saw how you had gotten some criticism for the title of this article and some of it’s contents. A few readers claimed it is not possoble to respect too much or to love too much and you should have at least to choose another name for this post.
I do however like the title although it is somewhat provoking. Jesus told us that it IS possible to love father, mother, sister, brother, wife, children… “too much”. Yes, we are to love our family dearly and sacrificially, and we have many duties and obligations towards them. However, if we disobey God in order to make a loved one happy or preventing him/her to get upset, we do love that person “too much”.
Sometimes we have to be a little bit provoking so we can make a poin. And I’m sure there are some people who read your post because of the catchy title.
Thank you, Emmy! That’s a great point indeed.