Before we were married, we were told by several couples that for our marriage to work, we needed one date night a week; one night away a month; and one week away a year.
Does anyone actually do that?
I don’t think we’ve done it our entire marriage. And today I want to talk about what we so often get wrong about this whole concept of date nights! We’ve been talking about how to connect with your spouse all week here on To Love, Honor and Vacuum, and today is our last installment. And to cap it all off, I have a special invitation for you at the bottom of this post to join my FREE 5-lesson marriage course to bring these lessons home for you and your hubby.
But first, our Friday inspiration:
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: What most couples get wrong about date night
When you first met your now-husband, chances are you spent hours talking, nonstop. You’d go out to a restaurant and they’d almost have to force you to leave. You went for long walks, talking about your past, your future, your dreams, your fears.
It was blissful.
And then we get married–and we think that we’re supposed to still want to talk for hours, nonstop. We’re supposed to want nothing more than to sit in a restaurant and have a long conversation.
When my daughter Rebecca was 16 she baby-sat for some good friends of ours who were doing the “date night” thing. They dutifully went out for dinner, and then realized the movie didn’t start for two hours. They struggled to stay at the restaurant, but eventually went over to a bookstore to kill some time. When they arrived at the theatre early to watch Inception, the guy promptly fell asleep. By the time he woke up he had no idea what was going on (seriously not a good movie to fall asleep during!). All through the movie he was tweeting out his confusion (as I watched in real time). WHAT WAS THIS SPINNING TOP THING?!?
They were going on a married date night–but maybe we have this whole “married date night” thing wrong.
A date night, when you’re just dating, is naturally going to be filled with conversation! You’re just learning everything about him, and you have so many details to share.
Once you’re married, though, you pretty much know almost everything. For pity’s sake, you likely even know when his last bowel movement was! The mystery is gone.
It’s perfectly okay, then–and in fact, it’s even preferable–if a married date night doesn’t look the same as that pre-married date night. Once you’re married, the main purpose is no longer learning about each other. It’s more to provide adventure and memories and camaraderie.
So instead of this idea that “we must have dinner out once a week”, try this: Let’s spend as much time as we can creating memories and doing something together. Let’s find some hobbies to do as a couple. Let’s go for more walks. Let’s share errands so we can spend time together. Let’s just be involved in each other’s lives so that conversation naturally happens while we’re building memories and closeness.
Date nights don’t have to be a big deal. Paint a bedroom together. Pile the babies in the car and go for a drive. Start playing a board game as a couple. Just do something. That’s the point once you’re married, and it’s okay if it’s not in a restaurant.
I’ve had such fun talking about how to reconnect with your husband this week!
And here’s the round-up of everything we’ve talked about:
How Do I Reconnect with My Spouse?
79 Hobbies You Can Do as a Couple
How Keith and I Are Learning to Ballroom Dance Online (with a video!)
9 Ways to Make Date Nights Stress Free
And now I want to invite you to take this one step further and actually DO something about it. So often we read something, and it seems like it makes sense, but we don’t actually apply it to our lives.
I’ve prepared a 5 lesson course that will remind you to put small things into practice in your marriage so that you do keep feeling close. It’s free. It will come to your inbox every week! And it will help make emotional connection a reality in your marriage.
If you’ve been feeling distant, and you don’t know where to start closing the gap, this is a great resource! And if you want to make sure that gap doesn’t start to form–it’s great to get on this now!
Sign me up for the FREE marriage course —->
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Yes!!
We had a “date night” last night. Went shopping for a birthday present for one of the kids, spent a long time debating the cheaper-but-ok option vs the over-budget-but-amazing option, learned more about how we each view gifts and money, and then came home and ate ice cream in front of a favourite show.
I like that we can do “normal life” stuff together, and simply being out on our own without kids in tow is enough to make it a date.
(Also, there may have been a side-trip into the Lindt chocolate outlet…. 🙂
That sounds like a wonderful “date night”–especially the Lindt chocolate outlet. 🙂 And hey, you got into a debate and learned more about each other, and that’s ALWAYS good.
This week of articles has been great for me in a really funny way — it has actually made me appreciate a lot of things that are already happening in my relationship with my husband! When we were dating, we honestly were *terrible* at dating. We both hate making elaborate plans, I was kind of a nervous wreck the whole time if we did go out because I’d have such high expectations, and my husband is not much for the whole “impress your girl” thing because he is, as they say, honest to a fault. Instead, we’d get together and cook, and clean up my house, play games with friends, watch TV, help out at church, and generally do what we were already doing, together.
As it turns out, for us, this was great, because once we got married and got more comfortable with each other, these things that we already had practiced doing together got more fun, because we had the additional level of relaxation and comfort of being married. However, I’ve always had this idea that we were doing it *wrong* and somehow we should do it *right* and be less lame and have more elaborate plans. Somehow this week has felt like permission to do how we are doing, which works for us. Thanks!
Yay! That’s just what I wanted. I think that sometimes we put so much pressure on this “date” thing that we forget what the purpose is: just spend time together so you have a chance to chat, catch up, and feel connected. Does it really matter HOW that happens, as long as it’s happening? So glad it’s been an an affirmation for you!
I never have enjoyed those typical dates…dinner and such. I suck at conversation, so dinners out are always quiet and kinda awkward. We talk to each other as things come up through the day anyway.
However we also suck at coming up with things to do. My husband finds errand running completely boring and would rather not do an activity if he doesn’t already have an interest in it. I’ve always joked that being bad at dating was the reason we only did it for six weeks before getting engaged! Haha!
And as for the nights away, I think we’ve had a total of 6 nights away in our 5.5 years of marriage. I’ve been breastfeeding non-stop since just before our first anniversary and am now expecting our fourth and last child. But you better believe we are planning a big getaway for when that baby is weaned!
I really don’t know how it can be financially feasible for most couples to have a night away a month, as ideal as that sounds.
I don’t think it’s financially feasible, either! So I think we need to stop putting all that pressure on ourselves. 🙂 Has your husband looked at the hobby list I published on Tuesday? Maybe something there will pique his interest. I’ve got tons of stuff listed, and it may be fun to try to branch out a bit. I hope that helps! (And I can totally understand looking forward to the last baby being weaned!)
I love this post. When we fist got married date nights were a weekly ritual but after a few months the busyness of life got in the way. I’m trunk to get back on track. This article is just what I needed to encourage me. I love your articles. They are so helpful and was one of things that inspired me to add a date night section to my blog.
Keep up the good work!!
Our “date nights” often include sporting events . . . when the kids were younger and involved in middle school/high school sports, we enjoyed being together cheering on our kids. Now we make a point to go to some minor league baseball games during the summer (just the two of us ~ no kids invited to go along). And of course, now that the Cubs are in the World Series, our most recent “date nights” have been spent in front of the tv cheering on our beloved team (yes, we are those type of fans as we are diehard Cubs fans). We are having a blast and creating some great memories. Date nights don’t necessarily have to be the planned adventures as some of the low key ones that are spontaneous or appeal to your common interests can be just as nice in my opinion
Absolutely! Totally agree, Joy. I talked about how fun date nights can be when you’re cheering on a minor league team, too! That’s a great common interest.
Once both kids were in school, I often would take time off from work around lunch time to meet my wife for a movie, lunch, etc. It was a great break to have in the middle of the day!
Once the kids were in bed, we often would watch a TV show together or play a game.
However, those didn’t meet her expectation of what “date night” was supposed to be as it wasn’t an evening out together with the kids at a babysitters. Also, none of these “dates” led to physical intimacy which led to resentment with me.
So I so agree with this blog that we often let social / media / Facebook expectations ruin our time together.
I’m sorry that your marriage is so lonely, Jim. That’s sad.
I’m with you, Jim! My husband and I enjoy connecting during the day when we can, but for me it doesn’t really feel like “date night” if there isn’t a happy ending! It’s REALLY disappointing for me if sex doesn’t happen! Luckily my husband has caught on to this, and we have used a few of our date nights to expand our “done that there” list.😂 Which is another great cheap date idea, provided you have common sense and reliable birth control. And a partner who’s into that sort of thing, because I understand that it wouldn’t be for everyone!😂
We do travel together one weekend per month- the kids and I accompany him to his duty station for his National Guard time. Less privacy than at home (the kids are little and share a room with us in hotels) but those hours in the car, with me singing along to his favorite songs and just looking and touching occasionally are a such a companionable time together! And then we get to snuggle up together at night instead of sleeping miles apart. Not a B&B with candlelight dinners and no kids, but still a blessing to both of us!
Even after 20 years my husband and I still can talk for hours and hours. Dinner at a lovely restaurant is still our favorite date.
But we don’t have weekly date nights and we’ve only been away overnight once in the 12 years we’ve had kids. But, unlike some of the marriage advice out there, our marriage is in great shape even though we don’t follow a formula. We make time for each other because we value our marriage and we are each other’s best friend.
One thing we do fairly regularly (but still not once a week) is a morning date at our favorite coffee shop. It’s inexpensive and fun.
We have most of our dates at home, after the kids are in bed. Fondue is one of our favorites. Or we drink tea and read aloud to each other.
Oh, we’ve read some of Dave Barry’s humour novels out loud to each other! We love doing that. Only trouble is whoever is reading usually starts laughing so hard we can’t get the words out!
This week has been great Sheila, I have really enjoyed reading all your posts! Hubby was away on a trip for a couple of days this week, and that made me realise how much we do actually ‘connect’, just in the every day. I kept looking around expecting to see him, had to file things away in my head to tell him about when he got home, and when there were two relatively big dramas while he was gone, all I wanted was to talk to him about them! That this happened during your week of ‘connection’ was kind of cool, because I was already in that mindset of looking for points of connection, and as another commenter said above, it really helped me to appreciate what we have!
I can see a lot of similarities between connection to your husband, and connection to God. If you only had one ‘date night’ per week with God (aka church on Sundays) but didn’t bother to connect with Him during the everyday, you wouldn’t have a very close relationship with Him. But if you talk to Him throughout everyday, about everything and anything, that’s what builds the closeness, and then church becomes more of a bonus than the most important part of your relationship.
Possibly the gentleman was sitting with his wife writing the tweet just to make her laugh. Something I’m sure he wouldn’t do again so not to get mentioned in an article
And he’d never leave his real name in a comment or anything. That will always be one of my favourite stories!
Ok, I guess I need to just accept life the way it is… Many of our date nights are going to Lowes or other things. We work so very, very well together. I just want fun, romance, passion… Too much to expect I guess. I would like to talk for hours and laugh…
I don’t think that’s too much to expect sometimes. I think it’s really important for couples to do this occasionally–and I think we have to be intentional about that. I’m just saying that you can’t expect it to be romantic if you’re not also doing all this other stuff totally regularly so that you do connect! I really hope you find the right balance, Hazel. I know it must be lonely.
I don’t think you expect too much. Earlier this year my husband and I read a few marriage books aloud to each other. It really helped because we talked a lot about what made us wistful for what used to be– and then we worked on getting that back. Willard Harley has some straightforward books that are really good discussion starters.
I have all of Willard Harley’s books and I think they are what made me have unrealistic expectation. He talks about 20 hours a week of activities for husband and wife alone. Without it, he says you cannot be in love. I even called into their show once. My husband despises them and thinks they are completely unrealistic.
Is there a place to discuss the first assignment you just sent via email?
What we’ve been learning about “date nights” is that what we’re doing or where we’re going is less important than the act of intentionally BEING together. My husband is a business owner now, which is a new world to us, and people say “Oh how nice, he gets to make his own hours!” and I laugh, because it’s more like you don’t own the business so much as it owns YOU. We have to be very intentional with our time together – when it’s date time, there is no answering work related messages or calls. Whether we’re running errands, going out to dinner, having a night away, or sitting at home in our pajamas watching a movie after the kids go to sleep, the thing that matters most to us is the intentional act of being present with each other.
Ha! So true! We don’t own a business but my husband works from home. Which really is wonderful but it also means he’s always “at work” unless he intentionally shuts that door in his mind. He gets emails and IMs 24/7 and I’ve had to remind him that he’s truly still a great employee even if he waits to reasons to respond until morning.
As a homeschooling mom and housewife, I’m always “at work,” too. In the past few years I’ve intentionally refused to do any housework after the kids are in bed, unless it’s something that will save me a lot of time the next day, like putting a meal together so I can just toss it in the oven the next day.
Oh my goodness, thank you for saying this, I was beginning to wonder if I was crazy! My husband and I get out to dinner or a movie without the kids…less than four times a year, at this point, between little nurslings and the cost of a babysitter for four young kids on top of a restaurant or tickets. And the last vacation we took was our honeymoon, ten years ago! Once a month is hilarious. But we’re best friends – we make time together after the kids are in bed our priority (I start ordering my day to get that end-of-the-day cleanup done ASAP at about lunchtime), we have a Netflix show we only watch together, we have a running bimonthly D&D game we play in together, we make desserts that are just for us together. By that definition, we have “dates” about four nights a week 😉
That’s wonderful, Ally! And you’re definitely not crazy. 🙂
My husband and I just had our first baby in June. During my maternity leave, I was home all the time with my husband (he works 6am-2pm) and I had expected to feel like we were spending time as a family. There were days that he didn’t even hold our baby until I had to make dinner, and he was always playing video games, watching tv, or playing on his phone! I confronted him about it and I asked if we could try a “Screen Free Day” no phones, tablets, tv, computers, video games, and I even said no books! (He likes to read a lot & I knew he would immediately turn to his books with out screens) My point was to spend quality time together, talking to each other, playing board games, going to the park with our son, ect. Well, I am happy to say that he LOVED it! HE was the one who suggested we keep it going! Now, every other Saturday is either a date night or screen free day with regular Saturday’s in between. So we end up with one date night and one screen free day a month. It has definitely helped my attitude a lot! lol
Oh, how wonderful! And I think you make a really good point: sometimes we think that husbands are ignoring us on purpose, when it’s really just that they don’t know what else to do. Give them another option, and many men (not all, of course, but many) will embrace it!
My husband and I have done date night for years but usually it’s at home. With 3 little kids it’s hard to get a babysitter once a week. It’s easier now that they’re older but we still do our weekly date night at home. I cook something the kids won’t eat or get takeout. We just hang out without the kids and that’s all we really need.
Great post!! (they all are) My husband and I have a blended family so “date night” has always been a difficult thing to make sure happens. Like a lot of you, funds were at a premium so “going out” wasn’t always in the budget. Lucky for my husband, I’m a pretty easy chick to please! Night’s “in” could have been anything from a hot bath and bottle of wine after the kids were in bed to renting a movie to watch and making popcorn or music and dancing in our living room. When all of our kids were in activities, a date was grabbing coffee on the way to whatever event we were heading to. One of my old time favorites (and still is) is when he wakes up on Saturday morning and says “Wanna go to Lowe’s? I’ll buy the coffee!” We don’t even have to buy anything … just dream about what we would buy if we were building or remodeling our home. Now that the kids are all grown, there are quite a few more nights out (“let’s meet for dinner” or something is going on in town and we spontaneously just decide to go) but the idea is the same…dreaming, laughing and connecting.
My husband and I are celebrating 30 years together this month! Our babies are all in their 20’s and having babies of their own. I think we’ve reached the golden years! Our favorite date is a simple meal followed by a walk. The top priority is for me to have his attention, and when he’s got ADD that can be tricky.
Hello!
I’m sorry for posting this here but I would need some advice for my cousin. In a nutshell here it is: her husband was unfaithful to her, he returned home after a short separation (to figure things out with himself) but refuses constantly to talk about what he did and changes the topic, leaves or answers arrogantly every time my cousin tries to clear things out. Even if she was content when he returned, she forgave him in a way, she clearly cannot go over what he did.
She wants, has made and is making efforts for their marriage to work, she has talked to a psychotherapist and to a priest to help them in their marriage but everything she does or makes finds her husband always tired, out of mood and he really does not lift a finger to make things work, sometimes not even helping with the simple chores in the house or playing with his 5 yr old son. She was told to have a lot of patience and wait for her husband to come to his senses, but how long is that? She is not a strong woman, unfortunately, and with all the frustrations I’m afraid she could easily get ill, her husband not caring much for that it seems.
Even if they were not church-going people, my cousin discovered God given what she went through last year because of his infidelity, but her husband did not.
I myself have advised my cousin to hang in there even if it’s hard because God knows what He’s doing and because I think that marriage is sacred and if it skids sometimes, you stay and fix it, not contract another, and probably another one after and so on.
However, how can my cousin make her husband realize that things cannot go on forever like this, with him fleeing all responsibility of what he did and refusing to grow in marriage?
Even if in adultery the cause can be common, my cousin does not even know where she failed him as a woman/ wife to push him to such a sin, because when asked he said hat she did nothing wrong.
He is immature, probably has some traumas from childhood and lacks any model whatsoever when it comes to marriage. He is proud and with quite an ego. The whole situation clearly says that he does not want any help from anybody, does not want to evolve and expects his wife (my cousin) to live with him like that. Which she does not want to.
All in all, my question is: how can a man like that realize that he is abusive in a certain way and has to stop?
Hi C, that’s a really tough situation.
I will say this: It’s quite likely that your cousin did nothing to cause him to sin. He made that decision himself.
But he is not changing now because he does not have to. Your cousin has made it clear that he is forgiven even when he showed no signs of repentance (he came home, but hasn’t really opened up about it or apologized or made any changes). She has shown him that she will stay married to him even if he puts in no effort and treats her badly.
So why should he change? He has a great life. He can do whatever he wants and she will put up with it.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but people don’t change until they have to. You can’t “make” anyone want to change. All you can do is draw boundaries around what behaviour you will accept and what behaviour you will not accept. You may want to show her these two posts: Changing the dynamic in my marriage and what do I do if my husband won’t change (the latter is a two-part series; read the second that’s linked there, too). I hope that helps!
Thank you a lot for your reply, Sheila! I thought my post got lost on the way.
I’ll show my cousin the articles you mentioned.
You have a great blog! I’ve found here many good ideas about man-woman relationship.
God bless!
When our children were littles, we used to have “at home date night”. Our local pizza shop had 1/2 price night and we’d put the kids to bed and my hubby would go pick up a pizza for us to share while we watched our favorite show together. $5 and a great way to reconnect and relax together.
My son-in-law was recently ordained. Tomorrow, we will make the 2+ hour trip to their church for a celebration. We will stop for dinner on the way. Saturday, we will be traveling the other direction for one of our grandson’s first birthday. Many times, now that our seven children are grown, and we have 16 grandchildren, our “dates” revolve around family times. It seems someone is always celebrating something.
That’s actually lovely. And you can get a lot of talking done in a car!