What do you do when your kid refuses church?
I got that question from a reader recently, and instead of answering it myself, I thought I’d let my daughter Rebecca answer. Because–BIG NEWS!!! On October 1, Rebecca officially sent in her manuscript for her book Why I Didn’t Rebel to Thomas Nelson. It will be out later next year (and it’s based on the viral blog post that she wrote for me on why she didn’t rebel!). And now that she’s finished writing it, she’s come on board to work for me for a bit. She’ll be writing blog posts every now and then about millennial marriage (since she’s a millennial!) and about parenting teens. And she’ll be running a lot of the behind the scenes things for me to free me up to create some more products (I’m working on a course on boosting your libido right now).
So she’ll be my right hand person for the blog.
(But we won’t normally be dressing this well!)
So I thought–let’s get Becca to answer this one, since she’s closer to that age and has just written a book about what to do when kids DO rebel.
So here’s the question. And then I’ll let Rebecca tackle it!
My son in the last few months has stated that he no longer believes, doesn’t consider himself a Christian anymore. He goes to church very reluctantly, and doesn’t participate at all, no singing, eyes open during prayers, makes cutting remarks during the sermon. He says we’re brainwashing him to believe what we believe and he would rather not go to church at all.
My question is, do I force him to go to church? ( our agreement now is 3/4 Sunday’s that we attend, he must attend), or do I let him stop going, he is 18 and starting university in a few weeks but will be living at home. Will he become more resentful if we keep making him go or should I just trust he will find his way back as the Holy Spirit guides him?
Wow. That’s pretty heavy–but unfortunately a reality that so many families are facing. I’m going to have a very different perspective here than most parents, since I’m coming at it from the child’s point of view. I’ve had a lot of friends in the last few years who grew up in Christian homes turn away, and I’ve seen what it does to their parents. But there are also some things that their parents did well or not-so-well that impacted how they view God and their family today. If you’re dealing with a teen who has decided he or she doesn’t believe in God, hopefully I can provide some encouragement!
First of all, remember that when your kid refuses church it isn’t about you.
Often when kids reject God, they take it out on their parents. They accuse their parents of being narrow minded; they ridicule them for believing something that they think is illogical; and they can often turn something good, like church, into a stressful and discouraging experience. It’s really hard for parents to watch their kids turn away from God–I can’t even imagine how painful that must be.
When this happens, the temptation when their kid refuses church is for many parents is to think, “what did I do wrong? Why is my child hurting me like this?”
But what does that get you? Just a lot of pointless guilt.
Now, yes, if there is something that you did that could have negatively impacted your child’s faith, apologize! Let’s get that healing started! But the truth is that when it comes to their faith, kids have to make their own choices. And it’s not always the choice their parents’ like.
He’s almost an adult–let him act like one.
When teenagers fall away from the faith it becomes even more complicated because they’re only sticking around for another year, or another few months, and then they’re officially adults. So a lot of parents find themselves in very murky waters!
Often the response when a kid refuses church is to lay down the law. Parents say things like, “as long as you’re under my roof you’re going to church!” But is that really helpful?
I don’t think so. All this does is make the kid even more angry at religion, the church, and you. And when the teenager is almost an adult, laying down the law really doesn’t seem logical or fair–why should they have to listen to you now, when in two months they could be off in some dorm at college, living completely independently?
Instead of trying to control your child’s church attendance, make the issue about how his or her actions are affecting you.
'What do you do when your teen decides not to go to church? 'Click To TweetApproaching the issue from YOUR point of view helps your teen feel less attacked.
Rather than micromanaging, give your child a chance to act like a mature adult. Explain your point of view by saying something like:
I understand that you don’t believe. That’s your choice, completely. But my faith means a lot to me, and when you ridicule the church or my faith it hurts. So I will respect your choice not to believe, but you also need to respect my choice to believe.
See how much more respectful that is of your child’s autonomy than just saying “because you’re under my roof you have to go to church”? This gives your child a chance to act like a mature adult. It shows them a lot more respect than laying down the law does. Framing it as a justice issue can help show your child you’re not trying to brainwash, not trying to manipulate–it’s just a matter of what is fair.
Remember that the church isn’t the only place to learn about God.
Let me be frank here: why is it so important that your teen go to church with you if your teen doesn’t believe? Do you think one more sermon will get through to him when thousands haven’t? Do you think God is more able to get a hold of his heart if he’s sitting in a church pew, resentful, then if he’s out walking in nature thinking by himself?
The church is very important for spiritual development, yes, but it isn’t the only place to learn about God. Your family is probably the biggest testimony for Christ that your child will ever experience. So make it a really positive experience for him or her.
I have a friend who fell away from the faith in high school, came back in second year of university, but has decided again that it’s not for him. And his parents were excellent parents–he just made a choice.
This friend said something very interesting, though. He said that even though he himself does not believe, his parents set such a great example of what being a Christian means that he’s actually quite positive towards Christianity. He just hasn’t chosen it for himself. That is huge! Yes, it is really sad that he hasn’t accepted Christ for himself. But even if your kid refuses church, you can still provide him or her with a really positive view of who Jesus Christ is by showing them a glimpse of God’s unconditional love for them.
How do you do that? By having lots of fun together, so that your interactions aren’t all just screaming matches about how he or she won’t come to church with you. Get to know your child as a person, and show them that you truly care unconditionally by wanting to spend time with them even if they don’t accept God. That is the best example of God’s love that you can give.
Go to God and pray.
At the end of the day, God is the only one who can change your child’s heart. And He has given you a powerful tool–prayer. Often we undervalue prayer in these situations and go into crisis management. We try to get the kid more involved in youth group, or send him off to a youth rally. But maybe that’s not the right approach when a kid refuses church. That just forces them to be where they don’t want to be. And that can make Christianity seem pretty negative.
If your kid has refused to go to church with you, they have made a decision. So pray for them, and pray a lot. Because then you are relying on God’s strength, not on your own.
We aren’t called to save people, not even our own kids. That’s God’s job, and it’s a choice that they have to make for themselves. But we can help them get closer to Him by giving them a glimpse of the amazing love that God has for them and by constantly going to God on their behalf.
But now I want to hear from you: Have any of you raised teens who refused to go to church anymore? How did you handle it? Let’s chat about it in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I’m looking forward to getting your book for my daughter – she’s 7. 🙂
Very insightful and very true. You can’t force anybody to do anything. It’s a choice – you can only guide and pray. Lovely post.
Thank you! And I hope the book helps you connect with your daughter even more! 🙂
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This is so great! Thanks! <3
Even God believes in free choice and never forces anybody.
Pray… Prayer opens the door for God to work in the child’s life. Pray the goal, salvation. By not telling God how to answer your prayer you open the door for him to Work in ways you might never have imagined.
Belief needs to be a personal choice or it may not be “real.”
Yeah, the verse that came to my mind was “true worshippers must worship in spirit and in truth.” I think this is a really difficult issue. But I think forcing someone, especially when they’re older, will rarely work.
I can’t wait for the book to come out. My daughter is 12 and still loves her faith. I hope to remember to stay calm if I am faced with her falling away from her belief in Jesus Christ.
Very well said. I get it when they’re 18 and leaving soon for college, but what about younger teens (16 or 17) or older teens who either aren’t yet graduated from high school or aren’t going away to college? I hesitate to think that a 16 year-old should be able to opt out like that, especially if they still believe and would just rather sleep in or not go because their church has an interim pastor they don’t care for, etc.; but maybe I’m wrong. At what age/point would you adopt this view?
Many thanks!
P.S. Congrats on your upcoming book! Like mother, like daughter. You can’t go wrong….
Yeah, that wouldn’t have flown in my house. My parents were really good about listening to what we wanted in a church, and a couple of times when we were in one that was a bad fit, we left and found a new one. But just straight up refusing to go with the family? If I, like, slept in and didn’t get ready, they absolutely would have made me get in the car and go in my pajamas. (I actually think this happened once when I was a child, but I could be misremembering.) It wasn’t even a fight — it was just expected.
This is my story. My son was taught to think for himself, that he was valued by his parents and by God, and that we believed the Bible was the truth. And we never saw it coming: He left church during his high school years. We allowed him not to attend rather than twisting his arms. Friends disagreed but we knew our son, that he needed this freedom. Fundamentalist beliefs drove him away as I’ve had time to really digest it all. Anti-science, the paranoia toward society, scare tactics all turned him off because he could see through these self-preservation tactics. See what happens when you teach a kid to truly think for them self rather than just follow?
I have known a lot of kids leave the church because they were taught that they couldn’t both be Christians and believe certain things (you couldn’t be Christian and believe that the earth was billions of years old; you couldn’t be Christian and vote Democrat; you couldn’t be Christian and believe in women’s equality). And I have seen many of those kids come back to the faith when they found a different expression of the church in a different denomination. I have definite, firm opinions on lots of things (!), but I think we have to be careful to not hold many of these secondary issues as tightly as we hold the issues in the Apostle’s Creed. When churches elevate minor things to the status of major things, it is far too easy for people to turn away because they disagree on a minor thing, which is tragic.
As both a Millennial and a new Christian I have to say that this post is wonderful! While still a non-believer, I read “The Reason for God” by Timothy Keller. What struck me most was the position that Keller took in encouraging people to question their faith, even going so far as to say that believers shouldn’t admonish themselves for doubting. He challenged readers to bring their worst, most belief-shattering doubts before God, because He can withstand even the most diligent scrutiny! Because this critical thinking process is so natural (especially for teenagers trying to gain independence) I would suggest relating to your (older) children who might be questioning their faith, by sharing your testimony and the questions you have faced in your own walk with Jesus. While rebelling children might be disappointed to learn they’re not the pioneers that they thought they were (ew, you mean mom questioned her faith at one point too?!), those who are truly lost will likely be relieved to know that you understand, and will love them regardless of where they sit on the subject. It could even be a bridge-building exercise as your child enters adulthood!
Thank you for a great article. What we struggle with in our home is how when the oldest of our six children do something, the rest seem to follow suit. It hasn’t been a problem yet because our oldest is only 14 and at this point, it hasn’t occurred to her or the others to choose to do something different than what we choose for them. My second daughter (who is 12) has expressed more thoughts about not being sure what she believes, but we actually encourage that. God is not too big for our questions 🙂 I just worry that if the day would come that older ones choose not to go to church, the younger ones will choose not to as well. It’s hard to know.
My husband brought this up as a concern because he is/was the dig-in-your-heels type. I am too, but there were certain things where it didn’t matter how I felt, I did them because I was supposed to do them. Like, we wouldn’t give a 10 year old (or a 17 year old, for that matter) the option of not going to school because they don’t feel like it. If they are bullied, if the work is too easy or too hard, if they have problems with the teacher — I think we all, as parents, would listen and try to find a resolution. But we wouldn’t just shrug and say, “well, I guess school just isn’t for him.” Ditto for brushing your teeth or cleaning your room or going to bed or anything else that we see as beneficial and necessary.
I think a certain baseline — church or youth group or Bible study — is a reasonable standard. You do this as part of your training for adulthood, and then you get to make your own choices.
I haven’t encountered this yet, because my stepson is 11 and still very eager to go to church (though he hated Sunday school, so I cut that out) and we read the Bible together nightly.
I absolutely agree with sunny-dee. My oldest of eight is 17. He has six months until he is 18 and has been raised in church all his life. Lately he has been pushing boundaries and making some not so great decisions that effect his future, plus have consequences at home and outside the home. He has started making remarks that he doesn’t believe in God or want to go to church. The rules of the house don’t change until you move out of the house. We go to church as a family. We are in no way trying to make up his mind for him, but he is still a minor, living at home, with us paying his bills. When he is adult enough to move out, be responsible and pay his own way in life, he will then get to make ALL of his own decisions, including whether he wants to continue to attend church or follow Christianity. If he came to me and said he wanted to drink and smoke because he’s almost 18 and will decide to do those things anyway in a few short months so I may as well let him now, my response would be “no way”. So why would I let him make the “I’m done with God” decision sooner rather than later. Anything can happen in 6-12 months. But I do know one thing and that is: we as parents are responsible for our children not only by law until they are adults but also to God. Do I want to answer to God for giving my child permission to turn away?
In the case of the question writer, he is 18 and started college. Yes he lives in your house, but he is an adult. The more they force him, the more he will be drawn away from God and from them. He’s grown. You can’t really force him without causing a huge rift in your relationship.
Younger teens might be different, but I would say it depends on the teenager and the situation.
Why are they hating church? Have you asked then why?
I’m in my mid-thirties and I don’t have a rebellious nature on most things, once I became a Christian at 15, I couldn’t imagine leaving Him because I could remember how empty I was without Him. And I cam still remember how that felt. But I had 3 of my 4 siblings rebel at some point while they were teenagers and my parents handled it with love and grace. Those 3 siblings are now God loving, Christ following adults who are raising their kids to follow Christ. My 4th sibling didn’t rebel as a teenager and decided as an adult, wife and mother, at 26 years old decided to turn from Christ and everything she was raised on. My parents still love her and give her Grace. She is rebelling from God and is hurting. She has lost her way. If my parents yell at her, what good does that do? Just like with my siblings as teenagers, what good does it do to fight with them all the time. Ask them questions. Get to know them. Get to know why they feel the way they do. Ask them why, what makes you feel that way?, why do you believe this?, etc. They probably want to be heard. And even if they dont respect your beliefs, they probably respect you. And they need your love and understanding.
Thank you for this response. I have realized more and more how much grace I need to give and show tangibly especially with our 18 year old son. Yes, he is living at home but he has started university and has a part time job. He has a tight knit group of guy friends, non believers as far as I know, but heads-on-straight kind of young men.
As far as why he doesn’t want to go to church, it’s boring, he doesn’t like the people, and why go when he doesn’t believe the bible is true? (His words). He found a website that refutes the veracity of the bible verse by verse and we’ve talked about different issues like taking things in and out of context, but his computer oriented scientific mind has chosen to doubt at this time.
He has been given a solid foundation through his entire life-church, Sunday school, youth groups, family devotions, the examples of godly grandparents, myself and my husband, and endless hours of Adventures in Odessy listening alone in his room from ages 8-14. I trust the seeds have been planted. If we were to force the issue it would indeed damage our relationship.
We continue to pray that he will come back to his Heavenly Father.
Thank you for tackling this. This was my reader question. We have decided since he’s eighteen he can choose for himself about church attendance. I did have to have the “respect each other and their beliefs” talk, and I made it clear I would be happy to discuss anything any time. I’m so appreciative too for the reminder it’s not about me as a mother, and to pray pray pray!
Praying with you, Janice! That’s so tough.
Here’s what I know for sure – there are many ways to rebel and as a parent of children of a certain age you have to trust that you’ve raised them well and God wants him in the fold as much or more than you do. Pray is what works, not cajoling, scheming or manipulating. Also living out your faith also works. You may imprint on your children that church and being a Christian is important but if they can’t see or hear any evidence of this in your life it may become harder for them to choose. Ultimately, it is between the child and God to reconcile the relationship. I’ve seen this happen and I’m grateful for restoration in my child’s relationship; bonus: the relationship is stronger and he’s a living testimony.
That’s wonderful, Nylse!
Well written, excellent article. Thank you!
I was born & raised Roman Catholic. To the point where it was time to be Confirmed, one of the 7 Sacraments of the RC Church. That was 11th grade–when I was 16. I didn’t agree with the tenents of the RC Church. Still don’t. I didn’t want to be Confirmed. I was told by my mother that since I lived under HER roof & would do what she said! So I had to lie to the Priest when I was subjected to being interviewed as to why I wanted to be Confirmed in the Catholic faith.
The year I turned 18, I refused to attend Christmas Mass with my family. My own little way of rebelling. I fell away from Christianity for awhile. While I’m still in search of a home church, my faith is stronger than it ever was.
I’m so glad you’ve found this faith community online, too, Kelly! And I think making a child lie about faith is really damaging to belief. It really is. God wants authenticity, and kids sense that from the beginning.
My husband is a Catholic missionary on college campuses in the USA and he’s mostly working with students who were raised in a faith but chose not to practice it themselves… So we’ve actually had discussions about this already even though out girls are only 3 and 1 because we know that ultimately it’s a decision that have to make for themselves. Our plan and goal is to raise them to seek truth. We’ve always found that in our Catholic faith so if one of our kids decided they don’t want to follow a certain belief, or all of them, we’ll let them know we did our best to raise them in truth and if they have found that elsewhere to share it with us. That way they have a chance to present some arguments for their case and we can use it as a chance to share theology. Basically keep it an open discussion.
I really do think that’s the healthiest way!
My 15 year old step daughter was sexually abused, raped, molested by her stepfather. She told me she prayed for years to God to make it stop and she feels he didn’t. I completely understand her anger with God, and I have told her God can handle her anger. I totally understand the feeling of abandonment and why she chooses not to have God as a part of her life.
But, she knows that God is a part of mine. I am not changing anything about how I live to show her how awesome God really is. I have believed for a long time that people should be able to recognize my faith by my actions, not just my words.
As far as getting her in the door, we have compromised. She comes to church with me on Sunday mornings, and she gets to choose her level of involvement with the youth group. We have a strong youth program (over 100 kids in the high school group alone) and sometimes she chooses to go to the fun events. But it’s her choice.
I’m sure this arrangement will change when she turns 18 in a few years, however, she will have more life experience under her belt. I left the church for awhile after I was severely hurt by people in the church and I have been able to talk to my 15 year old about this experience. But, she also knows that she is the reason I came back to the church. When I married her dad, I also received a beautiful daughter (she was 2) and I had an overwhelming feeling of responsibility to make sure she had the opportunity to know God. I have never regretting coming back.
One of the podcasts I listen to talks about healing through the same experience that wounded you. For example, if you were hurt by the church, you can find healing in the church, and that is exactly what happened to me.
Keep praying for your wayward children and show them you love them unconditionally. By giving them the respect you expect them to give to you, so much more progress will be made than by the adult trying to force a child into something.
Hi Karen,
I was just wondering what podcast that was? I love podcasts and am always looking for new ones. Your suggestion would be much appreciated!
Thanks
I listen to One Extraordinary Marriage and Sexy Marriage Radio. I prefer Sexy Marriage Radio with Dr. Corey Allen and Shannon Ethridge.
Great thoughts, Karen! Thank you.
My son told me he didn’t believe in this ‘God’ thing when he was 14. That was two years ago. My initial response was wailing in grief over the loss of my child’s eternal life. But then he began to try and say things to try and ‘debunk’ the Bible so that I, along with his brothers and my fiancé (now husband), would be able to see how silly and full of falsities it was. Of coarse I was offended. He was getting info from the internet about scriptures I had not noticed before. He would fire off scripture after scripture of which I had no REAL knowledge of. (Just being honest here.) I didn’t begin know how to respond to him. Then it came to me, when he brought up a verse that I needed to research, I let him know that I deserved the chance to study it as much as he obviously did,so that I could at least offer a fair argument. This worked great all the way around. I was able to research and have an educated debate with my son in a non argumentative manor. In the meantime I was also dealing with the fact that he didn’t want to go to church or participate in prayer. He even laughed out loud at me once when I was praying. I was so angry! How disrespectful. He started talking about how christians this and christians that ranting and jeering and laughing and making fun. That’s when I put my foot down. This is a summary of what I told him… My faith in Christ is precious to me. I believe Gods words are truth. I believe what the Bible says is true. But I will not let you talk about Christianity in such a hateful way to me. What you believe is what you believe. Yes, I would love for you to share the same faith with me. That is my hope and prayer. But I have never made fun of you for believing what you believe. I respect your belief. It doesn’t mean I agree with it. I’m not forcing you to believe in God or in Jesus, but I am asking you to respect what I believe. Although he is still a Non believer, he goes with us a couple times a month. Yes he sometimes cringes at the message, but he does enjoy the people and time with the family, so I’m thankful for that.
Shana, I have experienced nearly the same thing with my son. He was showing us things in the Bible we had not noticed before and it was very uncomfortable. At one point in an argument when I felt he was blaspheming he cried out he’d wished we, his parents, had answers to the criticisms, and that he had prayed to no avail and stopped hoping it was true, the Bible. He was 16, stopped going to church. And we’re glad we didn’t force him or it would have been worse because there were no solid explanations from pastor or respected elders, only the same pat answers. Here we are 5 years later with no answers. There are indeed discrepancies that you can find explained away by particular theologians but it was never convincing for our son, and in the end, for us. We just want truth. That is all. At this point we are reading works by Peter Enns because he and others are trying to be honest about the Bible. My son was wise, as I see it now, and we have gained from his honesty.
That’s great, Pam! I found a book that really helped many millennials walking away from the faith was “A New Kind of Christian”. I really liked that book. It’s a three-part series, and I wasn’t as fond as the ones that came after (and really disagreed with #3), but the first book, A New Kind of Christian, was really very good.
That’s great, Shana. It sounds like you’ve really turned things around. I think respecting each other is key, and letting him know that you won’t allow him to treat you that way was exactly the right thing to do. I pray that he will come back, too!
Struggling with this now in our family, but I also don’t want to go. My 17 yr old son is questioning his sexuality, openly discussing how the church handles gay/lesbian issues. He has many friends in that population. Our senior pastor handled it very badly, throwing out stories of all the horrible things done at gay pride parades and accusing my son of being involved in drugs or porn (which is not at all true). I have lost all respect for our pastor but my husband and the other kids want to stay in this church. I’ve told my son I would take him to any other church, but he has chosen to stay in this one, because of his friends and because he has minimal contact with the senior pastor. He admits he gets nothing out of church, and frankly I don’t either right now. But we’re so involved in small groups and children’s ministry, its hard to go elsewhere. My husband thinks I’m unforgiving, but I think the pastor could seriously damage a teen with his ugly words. Its been 6 months and I’m not getting over it.
I used to be that kid that refused to go to church.
And force just made it worse. I remember almost being dragged out of my room by my stepfather because I didn’t want to go (I think I was 14 oder 15 at that time).
I grew up old catholic. And while I liked church, the songs and the people, I always struggled with my faith. I think it started as early as primary school… when I noticed that my prayers didn’t seem to have any impact. I never felt God’s presence, as other people claimed to do. I felt like talking to a wall or to myself when I tried to pray. I would feel resignation interchanging with periods where I tried harder and harder only to be disappointed again. At age 15, I ditched confirmation and called myself an atheist. I officially stopped being old catholic at age 18 (where I live, you have to declare at court that you want to leave church and then they change it). My family, especially my stepfather, wasn’t happy with what I did. He called me stupid and crackbrained.
I needed that break, I desperately needed it. I got rid of almost everything related to religion, but I don’t see this as a rebellion against God. I think I needed that so I could be a clean slate, without all the anger and remorse I had carried with me, when I met God a few months ago. I’ve never felt him so close before. Actually, I might have never felt him before at all!
So, what I want to say is that even if a teenager now refuses to go to church, or wants do ditch religion altogether, this is not the end.
I think it is important to be respectful of each other, and not to push too much – you don’t want to alienate your child. Make sure they know why your faith is important to you, and pray on it. You can’t make a believer out of someone that doesn’t believe. Great tips, thanks for sharing!
How about an opinion from an honest to gosh atheist?… me.
Forcing your teens to “attend a religious service” will probably accomplish nothing except maybe to strengthen their resolve and possibly drive a wedge in your relationship.
If I dragged your butt to a mosque and forced you on your knees to pray to Allah… would you feel motivated to become a devout Muslim? No you’d feel outraged and deeply put upon that your religious freedom had been violated. It is no different with teenagers, especially intelligent ones with strong convictions.
Certainly much depends on the teen and his/her reasons for no wanting to go. If your teen is a believer but just unmotivated towards church I can understand parents insisting they go. But if they genuinely don’t believe in the existence of God or the claims of Christianity or have strong moral objections then compulsion against their will can only solidify their atheist position. I’ll bet you as Christians wouldn’t want to feel your beliefs were coerced on you. Neither do your teens.
I think you’re actually quite right–and I’m not an atheist! But God wants people who are genuine, and forcing someone old enough to think for themselves to go through the motions will almost always backfire.
It’s definitely important that all parties are respectful of each other and their beliefs. And I love the point that you made about family being the biggest testimony to Christianity. Great post!
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