What if you have a seriously awkward sex question? How are you supposed to get that answered?
After all, you can’t just walk up to your pastor and ask. And your mom probably doesn’t want to hear it!
I gave my Girl Talk–my event where I go to a church and talk about sex & marriage–on Friday night in my hometown, and it was a riot, even with both my mom and my mother-in-law sitting in the front row. I’ll give more updates on Facebook on that!
But one of the best parts of the evening is always the anonymous Q & A, because people get a chance to ask questions that they’ve always wondered but never had a chance to ask.
Well, this week I want to do something different on the blog. I want to talk about building up a marriage community where we CAN ask those questions!
I’ve decided to give every week a new theme on the blog, and this week I want to talk about community. Tomorrow I’ll be sharing the top 10 words of wisdom I’ve ever received from readers, and I’ll be introducing you to some commenters, and talking about how to build a community in real life around marriage, too.
But today I want to tackle these hard questions we have about sex.
As you all know, on Mondays I always take a reader question and try to answer it. Today I thought I’d do something a little different. You see, lots of times reader questions come in that I actually already answered–maybe in 2012, or 2011, or some other time. But I know that the fact that I get so many of the same question means that you all are wondering about it a lot!
So I’m going to take a few of those questions and I’m going to show you where I’ve already answered it. But I’m also going to point you to some other sex and marriage blogs where they’ve tackled the same thing! Because I’m part of a great marriage bloggers community, and I’d love for you to get to know them, too. So here we go!
Reader Question #1: What do you think about masturbation in marriage?
A reader asks:
My husband and I have both masturbated since out teens and it was something we brought into our marriage. After marriage we both use it at times when we are turned on, but the other person is not available for sex. It doesn’t replace sex in our relationship and we only think about each other when we are doing it. Christians seem to be pretty split on the issue. Some say it is wrong no matter what, and others say it is OK as long as both partners are aware of it and it is not taking away from the relationship. Our kids are also reaching an age where we want to start talking to them about sex and we want to discuss masturbation with them as well. I wanted to know where you stand on the issue, if you have any experience with it and what you recommendations would be for my situation.
Okay, usually my questions about masturbation are a little more “sinister”, like a wife catching her husband masturbating in the shower, often when he never wants to make love to his wife!
This one really doesn’t sound like it’s a problem one. So here are some resources for you:
Sheila talks about masturbation in marriage.
And here’s Paul from The XY Code with a rather depressing survey on masturbation, and some encouragement for us to prioritize our marriages!
Reader Question #2: What Do You Think About Implants?
My husband and I have a great marriage and satisfying sex life, but here’s my issue: when we were first married, I had lovely, voluptuous breasts. Since then, I have nursed 3 babies and became a runner. I have one breast that is a size A (but mostly skin) and one modest B that is ok. They do not make me feel sexy AT ALL. I’ve tried to gain a little weight, but it didn’t go to my breasts. Go figure. I LOVE my breasts while I’m pregnant and nursing. My husband is supportive and compliments my legs and other features, but I know he misses my breasts, too. What is the Christian view on getting implants? I’d like to be a C cup (and even on both sides), and we can easily afford it. On one hand, I think “God gave me this body; I need to accept it as it is and not be so shallow.” But then on the other hand, it is very commonplace for Christians to get braces, and that’s modiyifing what God gave us. Any thoughts?
Okay, I’m honestly not sure what to say about this one! To be totally honest, as one who has only ever been a C cup (and even that was stretching it!) when I was nursing, I’ve often been tempted to get implants. Truly. I don’t like being this flat. I’ve found that a great bra can do wonders, and I’ve always held back because if I did get them, everybody would know! And I’ve also been worried about the health side effects.
But as for the moral/ethical issues, I’m not sure I have a great answer.
Reader Question #3: What About a Quickie?
Here’s an interesting one!
I sometimes just want a quickie, but my husband feels like he’s using me and tells me he doesn’t enjoy sex as much unless I reach orgasm. At times like these, we usually don’t have sex at all, or he is really kind of grumpy about it. I understand where he’s coming from, but I can’t seem to convince him that I don’t need an orgasm EVERY time. Any suggestions on how to make him understand?
The vast majority of problems in the bedroom are that we just don’t understand where the other person is coming from! He probably believes that you wanting a quickie means that you’re having “pity sex” and aren’t really interested in him.
So here’s what I’d say: “Quickies make me feel powerful! It’s so neat to occasionally see how much I can actually turn you on, and how quickly you can climax when you’re not worried about me. That makes me feel like I’m a supermodel or something. So every now and then I need a quickie just as an ego booster!”
And then make sure that at other times you really are enjoying sex and he knows that you actually do enjoy making love.
I write about the benefits of quickies in 31 Days to Great Sex, but also take you through plenty of exercises so that he knows that he satisfies you. So maybe working through that book can help!
Reader Question #4: How Do We Deal with Premature Ejaculation?
Here’s one wife (who has been struggling for 20 years)!
I came across your blog/fb page about a month ago and all I can say is “where have you been all my life?!” 🙂 I’m wondering if you’ve written anything specifically on premature ejaculation? I FINALLY, after 20 years of being together, figured out that that’s what is happening with him and was able to ask him if he’d mind if I look in to how to cure/prevent/remedy it. He’s all for it so if you have any links or insights It would be more than greatly appreciated!
Here’s another newlywed going through a whole host of problems:
After our wedding it took us two weeks to go ‘all the way’ because my muscles were tighter than the security at Fort Knox. 2 days into marriage I called my mom-age nurse friend whom I had been told to call if we had questions. She told my husband how to manually stretch me to allow for intercourse. It wasn’t fun, but once again showed me that my husband loved me and was willing to work and fight for me.
Now we’re kinda stuck again in our sex life. We understand the longer we’re married the more we’ll grow in these areas, but it feels like we’ve plateaued. There are a couple things going on:
For one, I’m loose enough for intercourse, but still not very loose. We can only do the missionary position, any other experimenting causes pain for me.
Second of all, my dear husband has a hard time staying stiff. I love to get him all excited, but it seems like he can’t stay stiff for very long at all, and if it’s a day that I’m more tight, it’s just a bad combination. More foreplay helps me loosen up, but unfortunately it has the same effect on my husband most of the time. Travel and work stress also make him less able to stay stiff, and the last thing I want is for him to feel inadequate just because his body isn’t up for it.
Her story is longer, and it seems like she and her husband are really trying to stay close to God during this time and support each other, so that’s wonderful!
As for her, I’d suggest seeking out a physiotherapist who specializes in pelvic floor health to help her with her pain. I have known so many women to break free from this! I have written a series on vaginismus that may help (the other posts are linked within that one).
Now, what about him?
Okay, so we have two questions about the same thing! I’ve written about premature ejaculation before, and I hope that helps. But I’d also point you to The Generous Husband’s post which is packed full with information on causes and treatments. Read it, and then if something looks like it applies to you, seek out more information on that.
What if I Have A Different Question?
I do have a post that I update once a month with answers to the most common questions. I think it’s got about 150 links in it now, all organized by subject. So check out my Marriage FAQ! Chances are something you’re wondering about is listed there.
Here’s another tip: use the search bar on the right hand sidebar to just type in whatever you’re looking for and see if I’ve written about it before!
And then you can also check in with these people, who are all part of my Christian, marriage sex community!
As We Talk More About Our Community…
I hope you get to know some of the other bloggers that I rely on and talk to quite a bit! And stay tuned for the rest of the week as I’ll introduce you to some great readers who have some awesome tips for you, and you can meet some of our most frequent commenters, and we’ll talk about how to build marriage community IN REAL LIFE (which is so important!).
But now, let’s build more community here! Can you all do me a favour? Just leave a comment and tell me how you first found this blog. I’d love to know! And, if you’d like, mention your approximate age and how many years you’ve been married. Let’s get to know each other a little better!