What advice do you give to a 40-year-old virgin getting married for the first time?
Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. Here’s a question from an “older” bride who’s nervous that sex may not go that well:
Reader Question
I’m having a hard time finding advice for people my age (41) who are getting married for the first time and have not been sexually active before. I have dated very little and have always been in very pure relationships, so certain parts of my sexuality have not been “turned on” yet. I noticed an increase in my sexuality in my 30’s (meaning, I was craving men and sex more), but now that I’m engaged and soon to be getting married I don’t find myself being turned on, wanting to make out very often, and we are not having a hard time “keeping our hands off of each other.” I’m attracted to my fiance, love being with him, and we have committed to not going very far before we are married. But I worry that I have a very low sex drive, or is that normal with my age? My fiance has been sexually active in the past and we can talk openly about things. When we first dated I was turned on just by making out. But a year and a half later, I’m not. I really want to be healthy in this area, but am a bit concerned that I’m not so thrilled about sex and am getting married soon.
Great question! And CONGRATULATIONS, by the way! That’s so exciting for you. I wish you all the best in your marriage.
Now for the question. I’ll share a few quick things, and then I hope that maybe my readers will chime in, too, in the comments, with lots of best wishes for you and lots of helpful thoughts!
Just because you’re older doesn’t mean that the issues are that different from a “younger” virgin wedding night
You still have the same body parts, and they still work the same way! So I’d say definitely read this post on the top 10 wedding night tips that I give to new brides. It still applies to you, too. There aren’t any age limits!
That being said, you may want to keep these things in mind…
You’re starting to go through peri-menopause (or at least you will soon)!
Peri-menopause is the roughly ten years before menopause actually hits in all its glory. And so it’s likely that you could be starting to see some hormonal changes. I can tell you that I am starting to notice a big difference in my libido between now and ten years ago. It’s not that I can’t have fun, though. I wouldn’t want to give you that impression! I just have to work more at getting my head in gear and at finding time to feel relaxed (like starting with a massage).
So you may not have that big hormonal jumpstart that younger women have. But that’s okay! Just take care of yourself, because the healthier you eat, the healthier your libido will be. One of the best resources I’ve found for this is the Perfect Periods course. It was part of the Healthy Living Bundle I was offering last week, which unfortunately is over now, but you can still get that resource here: Ultimate Healthy Meal Planning Bundle.
You’re used to not thinking about sex
You’ve had 25 years post-puberty to train yourself not to think about sex. That’s a long time! So it may be more of a mindset change for you than it is for many brides. The key is to learn to start thinking about sex throughout the day, and you may need to be diligent about this, because you’re not used to it. Figure out cues for “this is my time to get in the right frame of mind!”
Here’s a post on positive things to say to yourself about sex to get yourself thinking in the right direction.
That “butterfly feeling” goes away after about 18 months
That infatuation feeling where we feel a surge of electricity when he touches us tends to last about 18 months. So if it’s waned, it doesn’t mean that you don’t love him or you won’t enjoy sex. It just means that you’re growing towards a deeper kind of love than that initial excitement. And that’s okay, as long as you still decide to keep saying those good things to yourself about sex!
Libido doesn’t work the same way for men as it does for women
For us, libido really is more a relational thing. So if you don’t find yourself sexually frustrated, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If you did feel turned on when you were first dating him, then you are physically attracted to him. That’s not the problem. It’s just your body’s responsiveness is likely going to be more triggered by being able to relax with him first (start with a massage on a lot of nights, spend time just being naked together, enjoy your relationship), and then some real foreplay.
Once you’re married, take things slower and savour things and relax. You may be one of these people who needs more than just a hot and heavy kissing session to get in the mood, and that’s okay! (If you want to figure this out together, by the way, 31 Days to Great Sex is a great thing to work through. But I’d suggest being married at least a month first!).
Like this post so far? You should also check out:
Just relax.
That’s the biggest thing. Relax. Don’t worry too much about the wedding night. You’ll have a long time to get this right! Enjoy being with each other, and start to figure out what makes you feel good. But if you try to reach some magic high right off the bat, or worry so much that you’re not really sexual and you won’t respond, then it’s quite likely that you won’t. It’s okay to take a little bit to get used to things, and it’s okay to take a little time to learn how you respond.
The main thing is to keep communicating with your husband, keep telling him what you’re hoping for, and be as optimistic about everything as possible!
But now I’d like to hear from other readers: What would you say to an “older” virginal bride? Any great thoughts? Are things different for brides in their forties vs. their twenties? Let’s talk in the comments–and send her your best wishes, too!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Try supplementing with maca root!
Yes!
What is maca root?
Best wishes!! I was married, a virgin, at age 42. Now I’m 57. He had been married once before and had two “mostly grown up” kids. I would love to chat privately if Sheila can hook us up somehow?
I am a 40-year-old newlywed who has been married for nearly 4 months and I was also a virgin when we married. I was so nervous but read Sheila’s blog and a couple of other resources. The best advice I got was to simply relax. And know that the wedding night is simply the beginning of an absolutely beautiful relationship. Our honeymoon was wonderful and it was because we were able to just relax and enjoy being with each other without pressuring ourselves to have mind-blowing sex every day.
From a physical standpoint, I cannot stress the importance of foreplay enough – it really does help!! Honestly, it has taken a few months for us to really find what works best for us. I know it will only continue to get better but both my husband and I are very satisfied with our sex life now! He has learned that I need foreplay and I have learned how to discern his needs as well. The most important thing you can do is communicate, communicate, communicate. I wish you all the best in your life together with your husband – you are in for a wonderful adventure!
Oh, thank you for that encouragement! I love it when readers help each other. And I’m SO GLAD that my book and blog helped you at this wonderful time of your life, as well.
And you’re so right–the key is to RELAX and keep perspective. It’s a wonderful journey, it’s a wonderful adventure, and the journey is the fun of it. You don’t have to get everything right the very first time out!
I was a 33 year old virgin! I think the most helpful thing for me (other than relaxing 🙂 was to not expect the very first time to be amazing! It was amazing to have sex, yes, and my virgin husband was so mind blown by the fact we could actually do it, but it wasn’t physically amazing. It wasn’t unpleasant either, just brief. 🙂 Very excited husband! 🙂 I don’t think he could have done a ton of foreplay….I did ask him to give me a back massage, which was nice! 🙂 The honeymoon was great and we had lots of time for lovemaking that was better than that very first night. I had brought little electric candles and speakers for music….and we didn’t use any of it that first night. It wasn’t what I pictured….we also didnt’ get to our hotel until 11pm! I probably could have waited….but not my hubby. So again, I was glad I didn’t boo hoo that night as we fell asleep in this huge bed with what felt like a chasm between us. It was nicer the next day and the next. As time went on, I was able to figure out what was helpful for me. (Sheila’s “Good Girls Guide to Great Sex” was helpful…I think I even asked my then fiance to read certain parts, which he also said was helpful.) So I’d say, do remember that one night is NOT defining your love life…..especially as it ends of day that is exhaustingly wonderful, but still exhausting! 🙂 There is always time later for lingerie, candles and music. 🙂
We were 30+ when marrying. You’ll be exploring something new and fun with someone you love. It’s not going to come “naturally” but give it time. What mattered a lot to me was that we chose to have a permanent commitment to one another. This gave us the freedom to fail and make mistakes, which helps you to relax. Oh, and being mature and “adult” about everything sure beats how I felt and acted when I was in my teens and twenties!
Don’t expect too much the first night. Give yourselves a whole week to make the “first time” work well. Talk to your doctor if you are unhappy with your libido after a month or two. You will still be getting to know him months from now. I hope & pray you enjoy the process as much as we have.
Just read the link above “top 10 wedding night tips” and highly approve. 🙂
My hubby and I were both virgins on our wedding night. I was 30 and my husband 27. One of the best bits of advice I got from a pastor of all people was “your wedding night might be the worst night of your life, it might be the best…”. For me it was more like the worst. Painful, awkward and disappointing to say the least. But as other readers have stated, when you love someone deeply, the wedding night is just the first night of a long beautiful relationship. The world would have us think the beginning should be the best and then all pleasure slowly dies out. For us it’s been the opposite. It has only gotten better as we get to know eachother and “practise” too ?. Surprisingly, after having our first child, sexual pleasure has really increased for me which illustrates this fact that God designed marriage as a sacred union that does get better with time as the relationship deepens!!
I am a women who had a previous marriage and second marriage is with an 46 year old virgin. Im having a problem where im wanting it more often and am lucky to get more than one or two in a week lately.