HBO is coming out with a new series–DIVORCE–that will run Sunday night at 10 pm (premiering October 9) depicting a couple aiming for divorce, and then realizing that it’s not as easy as they think. Here’s how they describe it:
After more than a decade of marriage and two children, Frances (Sarah Jessica Parker) has suddenly begun to reassess her life and her strained relationship with her husband Robert (Thomas Haden Church). But she soon discovers that making a clean break and a fresh start is harder than she thought. The story of a very, very long divorce, the show follows Frances and Robert as they grapple with the fallout from their failing marriage, not just for themselves, but also for their children and friends, ranging from awkward public encounters to difficult private therapy sessions.
I haven’t seen the show, but I do think it’s at least encouraging that they’re showing that divorce isn’t straightforward–and that perhaps we should pause and think again.
I remember when the movie Knocked Up with Katherine Heigl and Seth Rogen came out in 2007. I cheered that a completely secular movie had the theme it did: A single woman finds herself pregnant from a one-night stand–and she doesn’t get an abortion. In fact, she only considers it for about 3 minutes of the movie. It was a sign that our culture was thinking differently about abortion, because it wasn’t remotely a faith-based movie (it was actually rather crude). But even a movie made just for the wider culture said, “it’s normal for women to want to keep their babies, and to be horrified at the thought of abortion.”
That’s a big shift. I hope, perhaps, that this is a sign of the way our culture may be changing when it comes to divorce. From the information HBO sent me, it looks like that could be true. I’ve always been of the opinion that every divorce is a tragedy, even though some divorces are necessary.
And yet I also think that our perception of the decline in marriage is premature and the triumph of the divorce mentality is overblown. Marriage is actually doing far better than our media commonly portrays–in some circles. But it is also doing worse in others than Christians often admit. So I thought today I’d share 10 trends about divorce that are worth knowing. Some are hopeful, some are sobering. All are important. And I hope the media listen!
1. The divorce rate has been on a downward trajectory.
While divorce rates skyrocketed in the 1970s and 1980s, they’ve been falling ever since. In fact, Justin Wolfers, a University of Michigan economist, has found that those who married in the 2000s have the lowest rates of divorce. If current trends continue, he estimates that more than 2/3 of marriages will last.
2. The divorce rate is far lower than we think.
Shaunti Feldhahn has found the same thing in her in-depth look at the census research in her book, The Good News About Marriage. That whole “50% divorce rate” meme that we’ve been hearing for decades is a myth. The divorce rate never was 50%; that figure is based on an estimate, which looked at the divorce rates of the 1970s and 1980s and asked, “if it continues at this rate, what will it be?” But it didn’t continue. And so she places the divorce rate at closer to 28%–and about 15-25% lower for Christians.
The takeaway? The vast majority of marriages still make it.
3. Young people still want a marriage for life
In a new Cardus Family research study from Canada, 72% of millennials still believe that marriage is a positive ideal for life.
4. Marriage is still people’s greatest source of joy in this life.
Shaunti also found that the vast majority people said that marriage brought them joy–and in fact it was their greatest source of joy. If this is so, then if the media wants to relate better to people, perhaps it should portray more happy marriages!
5. Marriage brings major benefits to our mental and physical health, and to our kids.
Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher’s massive study on marriage found that marriage brought higher incomes, more happiness, fewer cases of mental illness, and greater personal and sexual satisfaction. And when people stay married, children are far more likely to do well in school and make good personal decisions, and far less likely to be abused or killed!
6. Children do better when parents stay together, even if that marriage is not necessarily a happy one.
Judith Wallerstein’s groundbreaking 25-year study found that children fare better if their parents stay married than if they get a divorce, unless that marriage is also a high conflict one. If parents are simply unhappy, children are better off in a stable home. Maybe HBO has read that study and is going to show that “staying together for the sake of the kids” does have some merit, if it’s just that parents have grown apart!
That’s the good (or at least interesting) news. Now for the sobering news:
7. Fewer people are choosing to marry.
While the majority still value marriage, and while marriages are getting more successful, the simple truth is that fewer people are choosing to marry. For the first time ever, in 2014 the majority of American adults were now single.
8. Marriage is rapidly becoming a middle class and upper class choice.
Charles Murray has done groundbreaking research in finding that the marriage rates of the upper classes and lower classes were diverging hugely. In the 1960s they were basically the same. By 2010, 83% of upper class 30-49 were married, compared with just 48% of lower class adults. And because married people are able to pass on their cultural money and education easier to their kids, their kids will also tend to marry. The thing that is most dividing the classes, then, is marriage, not money. And it becomes much harder to move up the class ladder since fewer people get married. It’s actually scary!
9. More people are choosing to cohabitate.
As fewer people marry, more just “live together”. But the problem is that when you choose to test a relationship, it ends up much more likely to fail than if you decide to choose a life partner and then commit. And children born to cohabiting parents don’t do as well as children born to married parents, says W. Bradford Wilcox of the Marriage Project.
10. Divorce is one of the biggest causes of lack of savings in one’s retirement.
Twice as many women as men live in poverty at retirement, and divorce is one of the largest causes of that. Divorce negatively impacts a woman’s savings and income far more than it does a man’s, on average, which has repercussions even into the senior years.
All in all? Researchers have repeatedly shown that marriage brings huge benefits, and divorce brings huge costs. Sometimes, as I’ve said, divorce is necessary. But we should never take divorce cavalierly.
Charles Murray has found that the “marriage is just a choice” mentality that started in the 1960s has largely been pushed by our cultural elites–our university professors, our media, our politicians. And yet, upper class people (those very elites) are still largely marrying and staying married. It is the lower classes that are not, and they are really suffering for it.
And so Murray ends his books urging that same cultural elite to “preach what you practice.” Start telling people that marriage is a cultural good, and it is worth it! I totally believe that.
And I hope that perhaps HBO’s new DIVORCE series may do that, by showing a couple finding that divorce isn’t as easy as they thought. We shall see, but I do hope that, for everyone’s sake, elites will start to preach what they practice and stop making it seem like just “following your heart” is the best ideal, when it so obviously is not.
Learn more about DIVORCE on HBO by visiting the official Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and YouTube pages.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I am divorced, and the media could do a better job of revealing that long after the divorce is “done,” there is fall-out for the families, especially children. Also, depicting the grief that divorce brings would be more realistic: loss of history, loss of extended family, financial security, etc.
One more thing, divorce does not end the relationship, it does trade one set of problems for a different set of problems. It is not a quick solution.
Your last point is the heart of GK Chesterton’s pamphlet on “The Myth of Divorce.” Basically, when England was debating no-fault divorce, his argument was that a lot of people thought that getting a divorce would end an unhappy marriage and therefore make them happy. And his belief was no — you would still be unhappy with your life outside a marriage as in it, you’d just be alone and without the support of family to help you.
Obviously, there are exceptions and a lot of reasons why people get divorced, but I know two people who got divorced because they thought they could “find themselves” if they left their husband. That is just … so misguided.
I do not have first hand experience but drawing on what I see in my friends’ lives, it’s not the “end” of their problems. It seems like people divorce to cut ties but it doesn’t happen that way. It seems like they still have the same issues when it comes to scheduling and communication that they had beforehand.
I think one think needs to be stated more is that often a couple is going through a difficult season. And I believe statistics show that if they ride out those tough years, they end of ultimately being happier than if they divorced. So, if a couple can delay divorce, they may find in time that their marriage can get to a better place.
So true!
As a newly divorced man who made that difficult choice after being married for 20 years, but who had become so defeated from being criticized, controlled, ignored and treated like a roommate, I had no choice but to divorce to survive. I would think that considering the adverse affects of divorce to women (item #5 and #10) and children (item #4 and #6), there should be more focus on putting the needs of your partner as a priority …… not the children, not the lady in your church group, not Facebook, not the school PTA, etc., etc. From my perspective, as my wife became more engaged in church and “moms groups” the further I fell down the list of her priorities. After 2 years of marriage therapy with no change, I had enough and asked for a divorce. Now, she is angry, bitter, and has resorted to degrading me as a person, man, husband and especially as a dad to our kids such that they have lost all respect for me.
So, I think the reality that should be shown in true divorce is the difference in how people address things maturely vs. people who make turn it into a battle and the damage a controlling / manipulative / cunning women can do to a marriage and children.
I’ve been there too man. Hang in there and focus on God. It’s the only way you will get through.
Honestly I am not sure.
https://twitter.com/willgriesmer/status/780521617822715906
My parents divorced when I was 6 and I wish there was more recognition of the fact that divorce has very long-term consequences, if children are involved. It’s not just about child support and visitation…divorce goes on to affect the grandchildren as well. My parents had a very ugly divorce and refuse to be in the same room together….therefore I couldn’t have a wedding and invite them both, or have them both be present at the births of my children, or my children’s birthday parties, the list goes on and on.
Yes, this is so true. My parents were divorced also and now that my brother and I are in our 20s and getting married/having babies it makes those joyful times awkward. I ended up moving away from them both and am thankful I only have to put up with their visits a few days out of the year. They spend our visits complaining about the other instead of being with me and my daughter. My son will be born in a few weeks and Instead of focusing on him I have to make sure they both can visit and meet him without visiting at the same time. And they are civil to each other, I know other kids have it much worse.
Another consequence of one parent families are that predators look for single moms, and kids are more likely to be abused when their father isn’t around.
tweet–https://twitter.com/mami2jcn/status/780531664883748864
The media needs to better portray the pain children experience when their parents divorce, even when they divorce for legitimate reasons. (We need to be much pickier when choosing the other parent of our children!) Girls atee especially vulnerable when their mom starts dating again. Sexual abuse by their mom’s boyfriend or new husband is far too common.
Also, I’ve known men who have left their wives because the grass seemed greener outside the fence of marriage. But they brought their problems and their unrealistic expectations with them. Several years later, they’ve deeply regretted their decision. But their ex-wife had already moved on and wasn’t interested in a do-over.
TV and movies always show people finding happiness after divorce and while that can happen but it’s not universal. They always show the kids adapting “just fine.” They fail to show people alone in their old age because they always choose to leave rather than grow and learn.
I think the best way to stop unnecessary divorce would be to make premarital counselling compulsory. I think that learning how to communicate with your spouse is an important skill that not many people know when they get married. I know I didn’t! I think if people went into marriage with a set of ‘guidelines’ as how to handle things, it would help immensely. I mean, we have to get driving instruction and pass a test before we get a drivers licence, I think that it wouldn’t hurt to get some instruction before we get a marriage licence!
I also think that the ‘pinterest perfect’ wedding dream has led to a lot of couples not getting married until they ‘can afford it’. this would particularly affect the lower income couples. At least one couple close to me put off getting married for years because he was feeling pressure to ‘give’ her the ‘dream’ wedding – even the dream engagement ring was a massive budget stretch, let alone the wedding! I think there is too much focus on the wedding, and not enough on the marriage element of most unions these days.
Nice one Eliza. Any link on how to get those ‘set of guidelines’. Is there already any post on that on this blog. Really interested.
Thanks shiela for putting up this. The truth really helps.
Hi! I would check out the #staymarried blog and podcast, the first series of the podcast was all about the 7 dos and 4 don’ts of happy marriage (really about communication). The first series of the podcast is based on research done by the Gottmann institute ( gottmann.com )
I think something along those lines would be a great place to start, I really wish my husband and I had done pre marriage counselling like that, I think it would have saved a lot of heartache that was caused by a lack of good communication.
The media should show more the financial side of the divorce, how much it costs and how it can make people financially broke
tweet-https://twitter.com/ElenaIstomina/status/780555203242176512
I wish the media would show more of the ripple effect of divorce. Several years ago two couples in our circle of friends got divorced within six months of each other. No matter how much you say you’re not going to choose sides, it doesn’t always work that way. Lines are drawn and you have to choose.
I think the media could show the realities of divorce, maybe by showing the expense of divorce both financially and emotionally for the people involved. I am not sure how this could be done, maybe through interviews of those involved, and by quoting the experts.
tweet
https://twitter.com/Kellydpa/status/780719786636505088
The media could show couples that have had problems in the past and worked through them and now they have a better marriage.
Tweeted: https://twitter.com/peg42/status/780720339366150145
Thanks so much.
I think the media should show that it isn’t just a wake up a decide you want a divorce, sign some papers and be done with each other. It is so messy and hard for everyone involved. Of course it is the worst for children, but a lot of people don’t think about things like their friends or places they like to go.. Those things can be effected too
I think that the media could draw more attention to how divorce impacts the kids, especially younger kids. They can also draw more attention to the brutal legal process of getting a divorce.
https://twitter.com/yarbr012/status/780733575058583556
The media needs to show that just giving up and divorcing is a painful experience that has a lot of consequences and that the children suffer when their parents divorce and it can cause extreme financial hardship to the family.
tweet-https://twitter.com/JewelWood/status/780734883199012864
Maybe the media can show the emotional side of divorce and finical struggles.
https://twitter.com/NICKIEISIS3/status/780754478203109376
I watched two people very close to me go through divorces. Both of the women were leaving an abusive spouse. I was amazed and saddened to see how much emotional pain and grief they both went through, even though they were definitely making the right choice. I think the media should show the heartache involved in a more realistic sense.
YES! Even when a divorce is necessary it is still a tragedy. Doesn’t mean that they need to stay married, but let’s not treat it like it’s easy.
Thanks for all the great information! As a Family Law attorney, I find it heartening to see someone getting the positives out about marriage statistics. Another thing that skews them is people who have been married/divorced multiple times are also included – the stats usually encompass “how many marriages” versus “how many first marriages.”
I wish I had HBO so I could view the program. I noticed HBO references it as a “comedy series – certainly makes me curious about where they will take this.
Delighted I found you and am looking forward to more of your posts!
My parents divorced when I was 9 and my brother was 7.
My father remarried within a year. My mother never remarried.
My father’s stepchildren received dental care, health care, new clothes, cars, etc.
My brother and I received none of that. His new wife wouldn’t allow my father to help us financially other than his monthly child support of $300.
My father is now dead. His wife lives on. She received all of his financial securities upon his death.
She has written my brother out of her will. He is disabled and homeless. She could care less.
My husbands parents divorced after the kids had left home. My husband was 21.
His father remarried within a year. His mother never remarried.
His mother lived under the poverty level until her death.
His father, new wife, and her children lived a full rich life. When he passed, his new wife inherited everything which she is passing on to her children (his step-children).
His children were left with nothing.
Toward the end of his life, he had expressed regret for leaving his first wife. His second wife was eye candy but she treated him horribly.
Neither step-mother cared for her new husbands children. All they cared about was taking care of their own children with her new husbands provisions.
When two parents divorce, it continues to affect the children long after those two parents are dead and gone. Often, all we are left with is the wicked Step-mother.
Unfortunately all too true! I’m so sorry for your stories, but so glad that you can start a new one with your family! That’s how I look at it with my family, too. But how sad for your mothers.
Hi there, great article and i agree with much of what your said here. Coming from a perspective of providing collaborative divorce for people in California, I can tell you that divorce appears rampant. It may not be 50% but my phone rings off the hook and we process between 20 and 25 divorce cases every month and we are just one provider of divorce services among many.
The other thing I wanted to comment on is in regards to the younger folks or Gen X’s. I agree that they have less of a tendency to get married and simply co-habitat. And for those younger folks who get married, find is easy to get divorced. I mentioned it in a blog post of my own a while ago where I said the younger generation treats marriage like a lease on a car… That you can take it back when you get tired of it. I say this because i have many younger clients, married for less than 5 years, simply say they want to get divorced and moved on. It is an interesting topic for sure and points to fewer and fewer people getting married and planning for the long term.
I wish the media could show people that divorce is sometimes one sided. I was party to a divorce that I did not want. However, the courts have determined that only one spouse needs to declare that the marriage is “irretrievably broken” to grant a divorce. This isn’t the road I would have chosen, but my ex wasn’t interested in counseling or trying to save the marriage. I understand why the laws exist, but for me it was frustrating that I had no recourse. It’s been two years since my divorce was final, and I still feel sad when I remember a judge declaring my vows null and void. It makes me question my future as well – if I was such a poor judge of character, how will I know that it won’t happen again?
Such a great point, Christie! I’ve often felt it so unfair that a person can go out and have an affair, abandon their spouse and kids, and then still get the courts to grant them alimony and joint custody. It seems very lopsided.
Thank you, Christie, that is what i am going through right now, and it’s nice to hear I am not the only one questioning my character judgement skills — but this is also not the man I married 18 years ago, it is a man in the midst of a crisis of character that grew over the past few years, and I’m sure was fanned by flaws of my own. But I agree that having a judge declare the vows I made before God null and void will be a hurtful day.
I have no first-hand experience of divorce, but people close to me are divorcing, and the consequences are far-reaching. If children are involved, both parties need to be on the same page regarding custody and visitation, and doing what is right for them.
The media does not always show the whole story: of course, drama sells. People don’t want to watch a perfect family. They want to watch a family more dysfunctional than theirs. Media’s glorification of the negative side of divorce is rubbing off on the impressionable minds of children.
https://twitter.com/Attea2d/status/780842512093184000
highlight some divorce success so people know it’s not always negative
tvollowitz at aol dot com
I think they should show how it affects the children and other family members, not just the couple.
I don’t watch much TV, but they should try to show people trying harder to avoid it.
I wish they would depict that it isn’t just a him-her thing. EVERYONE is affected. The kids, extended family, friends, church, co-workers, everyone. And the effects last long after the divorce. I agree that sometimes (though rarely) divorce is necessary, but it certainly shouldn’t be taken lightly because it snowballs and it will not make you happy.
I don’t know the direct way divorce should be portrayed in social media. There is always two sides to it and they both should be shown if usingit to tell stories through a show!
https://twitter.com/simply4jessica/status/780905980729131008
I have been through two divorces, and neither was an easy decision nor transition. It is all to easy for people to get married, and much harder to go your separate ways. I wish getting married was made a bit more harder. Jump thru “x” amount of hoops, do this class, take that lecture, go to this counseling meetings, be mentored for a minimum of 6 months, oh and a prerequisite of having to be in a relationship of at least 3 years before jumping the broom. Haha, if we had to go thru all this before saying the ” I do’s”, maybe we would all reconsider, and weigh our decision much more thoroughly. Those wonderful feelings of bliss that we all have in the first year of a relationship isn’t always love, nor the strong enough type of love that will endure the “thru sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse” parts of the vows. It’s gonna be hard. It’s not gonna always be puppies and rainbows and unicorns, and “darling this”, or “honey that”. It’s having to pick up your husband’s dirty socks every day, after day, after you’ve asked a plethora of times for him to put them in laundry, and NOT get mad. It’s him putting up with your friends, and all the chick flicks. It’s a give and take. It’s work. Hard work. Every day sometimes. But in the end, if you make it, it’s the most wonderful, magnificent thing you’ve every been a part of. Now adays people find it too easy to just call it quits and run to the divorce court.
the media should stop exploiting divorce, it’s always negative; instead, show the positivity of marriage, it may help people stay together.
jslbrown2009 at aol dot com
tweet-https://twitter.com/LuLu_Brown24/status/781048970344796160
jslbrown2009 at aol dot com
As others have said, it would be great for the media to portray how painful divorce is for the children (who have to grow up way too fast in many divorce cases!). And although they won’t, it would be great if they would also teach the fact that God created marriage and that it pleases Him so much!
Hi, I believe we are part of media. We as the church, as Christians should share our ups and downs of marriage. We should be talking about hard issues and the beauty of sex within marriage. We can’t keep looking to the “world” for answers to our marriage. I just want to share what God had done in my marriage. I’ll try to key it short. The Lord can transform your marriage no matter how bad it looks but we have to go to him about everything and we need to be obedient to what he’s directing us to do. After 14 years of marriage I was ready to leave my husband. I felt like I didn’t know who he was anymore, I didn’t feel like I got my needs met. We survived an affair but the enemy tormented me with thoughts.
I just kept going to the Lord with ever thought, with every that my husband wasn’t doing. Jesus taught me to stop focusing on offenses, he taught me to not take things personal and really take what my husband was saying at face value. I started giving my husband respect no matter what and not be lead by my feelings. I started speaking out loud who God made my husband to be instead of what it seems he wasn’t.
It wasn’t easy.
We are now so in love, we made a decision never to give up on each other…ever. we have laughter in our home, if we have a disagreement we’re over it in a couple of minutes.
Only God changed us but we have to trust and stand in God’s word.
Please don’t give up! I hope this encourages someone.
I think they should go through who gets what and how far the asset splits really are.
I think the media could do a lot more to realistically represent the reality of divorce by showing the aftermath on both sides. There is a lot of stress put on each side, the children and heck even the pets. There is a lot of court stuff, expenses, splitting up every thing you own and moving.
My sister went through an incredibly hard divorce when her husband of almost 20 years cheated on her with her closest friend. She lost her husband (her best friend) and her friend all at once. It was incredibly hard on my sister. She has terrible trust issues now.
To make this horrible situation worse, the kids’ lives were turned upside down. The friend and my sister had kids the same ages ( 3 kids each). My sister’s kids lives went in a horribly different trajectory with serious long term consequences.
My sister is happily remarried now but she still has to see the former friend at family functions since her ex-husband ended up marrying her. My sister was innocent and yet she is still suffering.
And as mild as this is compared to what my sister went through, I lost a brother. (He and my sister started dating when I was about 7.) I was closer to him than my actual brother. It was a huge blow.
I feel the loss of my former sisters-in-law acutely, too, Grace! I know what you mean. I took them on as my sisters, and the divorces didn’t make those feelings go away.
https://twitter.com/OneFrugalGirl/status/781307649400930305
I wish the media would help those who need guidance and counseling find sources that can help them.
I hear a lot more good about it than bad, which I find odd. It’s still tearing people apart at the end of the day.
chambanachik(at)gmail(dot)com
I guess the media could show the after-effects of divorce, and how tough it is on children. My brother got divorced and it was all for the better, but no children were involved.
Tweet link: https://twitter.com/shala_darkstone/status/781463405097947140
My parents divorced when i was 18. It was devastating, i think the media could also show young adults are affected too. A lot times the focus is young children.
https://twitter.com/ELYSESWPAIGE/status/781587270662893568
The media should report on more shows like this. Can’t wait. The trailer is awesome
I think the media could do to more realistically represent the reality of divorce by focusing more on children- The effect on them and how the divorce shapes their move and future.
tcarolinep at gmail dot com
tweet-https://twitter.com/tcarolinep/status/781610777182560256
I think the media needs to show how devastating divorce is to children and its aftermath.
https://twitter.com/RachelGriesmer/status/781639625454518273
Giving tips to heal from divorce.
I think divorce is GOOD! Way back when, divorce wasnt allowed. There were abusive relationships, and the victims couldn’t get out! But thankfully if that ever happens you can get out of the relationship. The good part after could be shown more. Thanks for the chance to win this!
allisonrsdswain(AT)gmail(DOT)com
Tweeted:
https://twitter.com/allisonrswain/status/781695708860743685
I think they could educate the public with updated statistics.
Thankfully I have never had to deal with the issue of divorce so not sure I could make a good assessment. Seems to hurt the kids more than anything
https://twitter.com/mkjmc/status/781890894555410432
I’m not really sure. Definitely showing the impact divorce has on kids would be a start. Too many times there’s just a single mom with kids and everything’s hunky dory. I know from experience it’s much harder than the portrayal and no matter how well you do as a single mom, your kids suffer from not having their dad there.
tweeted – https://twitter.com/dmarie824/status/781938676494323712
https://twitter.com/Natashalamoreu1/status/781970837729665028
Media makes a public matter when it is a private one. Lives are changed drastically through divorces much further than the husband and wife.
I am not exactly sure what the media could do to more realistically represent the reality of divorce. Divorce is a terrible thing no matter the reason it happens and so many lives can be affected in so many ways.
cshell090869 at aol dot com
tweeted
https://twitter.com/cshell202/status/781991199020154880
cshell090869 at aol dot com
I think they should show the logistics of divorce
https://twitter.com/jtwark/status/782304201070247936
I think media could do a better job of showing all different types of divorce from the ones that are fairly simple and result in both parties truly being friends to the more nasty ones with a lot of drama from both sides.
Tweet: https://twitter.com/PrettyHotPink6/status/782957626858414080
I think the media do portrait the reality pretty closely. But I believed the 50% divorce rate for the longest time! thanks for clearing that up!
amy [at] uTry [dot] it
tweeted:
https://twitter.com/uTry_it/status/783729894609948673
amy [at] uTry [dot] it
We need to stop portraying marriage like it’s a menu choice at a sleazy diner. At the diner, you suffer indigestion for a few hours and then you’re back on track. Nobody gets hurt.
On the other hand, when you choose to marry, lives are forever changed as we let someone into a space that no one has ever been allowed into. This has an effect on the couple, their family and friends, and certainly on any children who are in the picture. This is why in reality, divorces are messy and complicated. It’s also why those who stick it out, even though marriage is hard at times, will reap profoundly deep and meaningful benefits that many in Hollywood will never have to opportunity to understand.
Thanks Sheila for making us think outside of the box. ☺️
I would like to see the media focus on the negative impact divorce has on children. There are times when it is necessary, as in abuse cases, but often it’s a selfish choice for parents.
I think the media could show the realities of divorce, maybe by showing the expense of divorce both financially and emotionally for the people involved. I read an article that most people are not happier after their divorce and wish they hadn’t. I think people need to stick it out through the tough times.
https://twitter.com/susan1215/status/785969680657752064
I don’t the the media represents much of anything realistically.
my tweet
https://twitter.com/myway070/status/786311527146008576
If by “the media” you mean the entertainment industry, I think that over the years they’ve been portraying divorce and its impacts and implications much more realistically. I don’t think anyone believes divorce is a quick and easy solution these days, especially if children are involved, and whether or not there are religious reasons to remain married.
I shared your thought-provoking blog post and the HBO Divorce giveaway on Twitter:
https://twitter.com/NotherAnneOther/status/786926856880750592
i think the media glorifies divorce, makes it look easy and a viable option when things aren’t going as planned. i feel that nowadays when people marry they do so knowing there is an immediate way out. marriage is not a covenant anymore.
https://twitter.com/raggammuffin/status/787084387531841536
I am divorced and it is never easy and ex spouses do not always stay friends. I do not think it is always represented to fit all situations.
The media only gives you a snap shot of all of the pain and problems that come with divorce. It may be common these days but the pain is uncommon.
https://twitter.com/eliza_elliott/status/787751804574445568
Coming from personal experience I don’t know that it is really better to stay in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children. The children hear and see the fighting and negativity, and live in that environment – that is the example that they are getting of how relationships are. If the parents are not able to work it out in therapy to have a better marriage or one refuses, then I think for the sake of the children – they should divorce. Then they would be able to have a better environment and see their parents relaxed and as happier people. Divorce is still difficult on children, but I don’t think that sticking it out for the children necessarily is a better prospect. Thanks for sharing!
maybe show the realistic reasons people get divorced
The financials of divorce could be more realistic.
They could show more of the reality of split families. It’s not all bad or all good. Better role models of people behaving civilly together for the good of everyone even when the marriage has not worked out.
tweeted
https://twitter.com/rubylorikeet/status/788242027456532480
Everyone has pretty much said it all …. emphasize the effect on the children and stress that a divorce is not “the end” if there are children involved.
Compare the current rates to previous ones and talk about how old people were when they got married.
I think one way would be to show all the collateral damage of divorce. Not just to the husband and wife, and children. but to extended family. in-laws and grandparents. When a marriage breaks up a lot of relationships are severed.
Tweeted
https://twitter.com/eswright18/status/788911118567616512
I don’t think the media truly presents the impact on extended family and friendships.
Marriage is hard and I worry about what my daughter will face when she is an adult looking for a life partner. I hope there are plenty of resources, like yours, for my daughter to learn from about a biblical marriage.
I would like it if the media did not “dis” single parents.
I was one and worked extra hard because of it.
thank you
Tweet https://twitter.com/JalapenoMama/status/789233070532538368
I think the media just needs to be honest and stop being lost in the 1950s. They act shocked and are judgemental a lot of the times when someone famous gets divorced or is having marital problems. Come on! This is real life and it is time to show that we understand and support divorce, when it is right for the couple.
I tweeted here: https://twitter.com/MsTofuFairy/status/789482764072579072
I have 3 young daughters & recently finalized my divorce with their father.
I think that instead of acting like the only thing that matters is the wedding people should focus on the marriage before they get married. the media should be honest about the effects of divorce and stop promoting huge weddings but not marriage boot camps.
https://twitter.com/fdp4life/status/789541568625598464
Not real sure my parents have been married over 30 years and I am getting ready to celebrate my 30th anniversary but I would think how it impacts the kids!
I tweeted
https://twitter.com/my4boysand1/status/789569906702508034
They should show the long term consequences on everyone affected.
Tweet https://twitter.com/Lindiac/status/789594322551250944
I don’t know much about the reality of divorce since my parents have been together for 45 years and I don’t have friends or family that have been divorced. So, I’m not much help to what the media could do……I just wish it didn’t happen as much as it does!
I think that people should take marriage more seriously and really do the time and work prior to taking the plunge.
tweeted: https://twitter.com/KerryBishop/status/789629933018636288
Per my own experience, they need to show how difficult it is to come to that conclusion that divorce is the best way forward.
That is a tough question I think they could focus more on therapy and helping couples stay together
https://twitter.com/klp1965/status/789810419724582913
I think the realities of divorce are often glossed over. I would like to see more emphasis placed on the hardships it causes children.
I enjoy the work of Tracy Letts and Molly Shannon.
I think the media should show the emotional and financial aspects. I have been divorced and raise our 3 boys solely on my own. It was a rough ride for awhile financially and emotionally, but I have overcome it.
I think especially for some people divorce can be worse spiritually and emotionally for an individual, even crippling. This isn’t the popular view that that the media always showcases.
Tweeted! https://twitter.com/pixel_berry_pie/status/789908020079636480
I don’t watch TV and so manage to stay away from most media.
I got a divorce 35 years ago from an abusive man and luckily we had no children.
Thanks for the contest.
https://twitter.com/slehan/status/789963015269396480
I don’t know.
The media should more realistically portray the disruption to the entire family
https://twitter.com/ThatTuxedoCat/status/789976199242080257
It would help if the media would highlight the plight of women and children of divorce – their income level drops with many in poverty.
https://twitter.com/davisesq212/status/789986781126987776
I don’t know should not even be remotely considered as an acceptable answer. Take a moment and THINK!
The media, in particular tv shows and movies and books, need to show realistically what the struggles will be to the 2 adults, as well as any children and their surrounding family and friends. It never truly has a happy ending like the media portrays it to be.
I think the media should do more to make the fact that the effects of divorce stays around long after the act. For example,my first marriage ended in divorce after 3 yrs. I have since been married to my 2nd hubby for 11+ years and we have an awesome marriage, but I still am haunted by feeling and thoughts of my ex husband…. I still care about him, but I love my hubby. Some days it’s tourcher….
https://twitter.com/srkindred/status/789994985013731328
thats hard to answer because each marriage and divorce is personal and different
I think people handle divorce in different ways. I believe the media makes divorce seem like a bad thing, but sometimes things don’t work out and its better to end it to for force it to work and be unhappy.
I do not have any insight on how the media could do a better job to portray divorce since I have never been married. I guess the best way is to show or retell other people’s experiences.
Tweeted -> https://twitter.com/DarkMysticNight/status/790046886208032768
They should show how hard it is on the kids.
tweeted
https://twitter.com/thomasmurphy40/status/790068174620356608
I am not sure since I have never been personally effected by divorce.
https://twitter.com/fmd518/status/790068433282924544
Divorce needs to be shown more realistically, especially concerning the expense of divorce both financially and emotionally for all the people involved. it affects the whole family not just the people getting the divorce.
Tweet: https://twitter.com/orchidlady01/status/790136422237888512
https://mobile.twitter.com/traymona/status/790162702316560384 Frankly, I don’t want to know about divorce.
When children are involved it never really ends, you are going to have to deal with the other spouse after divorce and that’she particularly hard if it was a toxic break up
#SweepstakesEntry- comment
I really cannot say. I have never been married and honestly I don’t ever want to be! I lived with a guy, that was enough for me LOL
my #SweepstakesEntry tweet:
https://twitter.com/thrincor/status/790201449481396224
It can help by showing the people are not always happier after a divorce. That you can feel lonelier, more financial problems also.
https://twitter.com/SeymaShabbir/status/790218670043701249
I think the media shouldn’t be so cavalier about divorce. They shouldn’t treat it as sometning that is easy or simple. Every divorce is different with a lot of consequences that affect a lot of people.
I feel that the media could more realistically represent the reality of divorce by showing that it is not just a quick fix! I feel they should talk much more on the effects that divorce has on the kids & that is is hard & lasting!
I tweeted
https://mobile.twitter.com/saverang/status/790257299449196544
The media could be more realistic on the result of divorce on the children.
Maybe interview real people considering, or going through or who are divorced
tbarrettno1 at gmail dot com
tweet https://twitter.com/ChelleB36/status/790270754285821952
I really think there should be more focus on creating a means of communication after divorce. Parents still have to communicate on issues relating to children and it needs to go both ways. After my divorce I worked very hard to keep my comments about my ex as positive as I could manage. I found that he, on the other hand, used every opportunity to make negative comments. As it turned out those comments harmed him more than me.
Tweet – https://twitter.com/willitara/status/790322684647378944
I think that the media could do a lot more realistically represent the reality of divorce on a street level. They really focus too much on Hollywood stars, so everyone thinks that those few people’s ways are the way they always go.
I publicly Tweeted this giveaway: https://twitter.com/versatileer/status/790327745557430272
I think each situation is different. My divorce we had no kids or real property to divide up. Together for 6 years and once there was a ring on he started to cheat on me. I filed shortly after that. I haven’t looked back on that relationship as I learned a lot!
I tweeted https://twitter.com/ClairFreebie/status/790387327646441473
They could show the devastation caused to the kids more often
https://twitter.com/ardy22/status/790396421639897088
Your comments connecting class, marriage, and money are interesting and sensible. Your comments about finding it scary when this trend continues and the gap widens between generations are pretty significant.