I have said for years that obligation sex isn’t sexy.
This week I caused quite a stir on this blog when I wrote my rant about how certain strands of the Christian church talk about men and lust in such a way that it makes women feel just awful. It portrays men like they’re animals who can’t stop themselves from lusting after women, and then it treats wives like we are the gatekeepers, responsible not just from keeping ourselves from sinning but also keeping our husbands from sinning.
After writing that, I received an email that brought tears to my eyes. A woman said:
Oh. My. Goodness. I was just blindsided by this article! Up to this point, this is what I have BELIEVED! [that if I don’t have sex frequently and look really good, my husband will be tempted to cheat or will lust after other women]. It has suddenly HIT me that…quite possibly…I have been doing things for my husband out of FEAR! Trying to look my absolute best when my husband gets in from work, so that “those females” at his workplace won’t have anything on me! Etc. It’s fear-based! What is the balance to this way of thinking??? Where do I go from here???
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Beyond Obligation Sex to True Freedom
Sex was created to be awesome: we’re able to be completely vulnerable and open with just one person, so that we truly “know” each other intimately. We reach a physical high where we let go of all rational thought and become almost primal. It’s amazing.
But what happens when this truly amazing thing is reduced to an obligation? Instead of it being something truly intimate that binds you together, it becomes more like an animal urge, and it loses its beauty.
It’s interesting that the big dichotomy in the Bible is between works and grace. When we try hard to do the right thing, we will always fail. And, interestingly, we’ll often become rather bitter in the process. Remember the older son in the parable of the Prodigal Son–“all these years I’ve worked like a slave for you…” Working so hard to try to win His father’s approval made him exhausted and, ironically, lost him his identity as a son.
Yet we know that those who truly love Jesus will do good things.
The issue is not the actions; the issue is the heart behind the actions. When we force ourselves to do something to win approval, we feel dejected and never good enough. When we feel approval already, we feel invigorated and energized.
There’s a similar dynamic in marriage. If we women see sex as something we have to do to earn our husband’s affections, then we will feel exhausted before we even try. Sex won’t be beautiful; it will be a millstone around our necks that reminds us that we may not be good enough.
But if we know beforehand that our husbands love and cherish us, then sex is a beautiful expression of that!
If you are married to a good guy, and your fear is mostly self-imposed because of what you’ve been taught about men, then practice believing in him. Tell yourself, everyday, “My husband loves me. He enjoys my body. He chose me.”
Let yourself feel joy instead of fear!
But what if you’re married to a guy who gives you reason to fear? If the problem is porn or adultery, then seek out a counsellor and get an accountability partner for him. If it’s that he has an incorrect understanding of lust, thinking that it can’t be stopped, then work through 31 Days to Great Sex and start having some hard conversations about what sex is supposed to be (and start having more fun, too!)
But no more obligation. Law brings death. Freedom brings life. We are meant to live in freedom in our identity as wives and as children of God. Don’t let any misconceptions rob you of the joy of freedom you should have enjoying sex with your husband!
I’ve written more about how sex should be mutual, which you may enjoy. Also, these top 10 positive things to say to yourself about sex can help, too. And I totally believe in frequent sex by the way. The issue is not sex itself; it’s the heart behind it!
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
This week we’ve got a great mix of older and newer posts rounding out the Tops. What are some things you and your husband need to work on together?
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: 8 Things We Learned Getting Rid Of Half Our Stuff
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband
#1 from Facebook: I Hate It When My Husband Touches Me THERE
#2 from Pinterest: What To Do When Your Husband Disappoints You
We’re in Arizona Now!
Hubby and I saw 8 new life birds yesterday (we’re birdwatchers, which means that we saw 8 new species we’ve never seen before). He’s very excited.
We’re in the Flagstaff KOA campground, and I’m spending all day today reading through my daughter Rebecca’s book on Why She Didn’t Rebel (based on her blog post on why she didn’t rebel 🙂 ) which is due in at Thomas Nelson publishers tomorrow. Then we’ll head out birdwatching again this weekend!
We’re relaxing for a bit before flying home at the end of the week. But we’ll be back in Arizona, California and Utah in January and then again in March, so if you’re in that neck of the woods and your church may be interested in hosting a Girl Talk event, just email my assistant Tammy!
And I’ll be giving a Girl Talk in my home town in Belleville on October 14. Check out my Facebook Page for more details (just click on the Events tab) or check out the sidebar here.
Have a great weekend, everybody!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Such a good post! I will include it in an upcoming part of my “Wives Newsletter” Sharing great content with folks is a blessing of being online.
Not sure why it did not allow my latest post?
Either way, thanks for such great materials!
A simple suggestion for the young lady who wrote the email. Don’t stop doing what you are doing, but absolutely change the reasons why you are doing it. My wife and I try to keep in shape (and it is getting harder as we are on the edge of 50). We each do it for each other, but we also do it for ourselves. It isn’t done to keep the other from going off with someone else. I certainly don’t want my wife living in that type of fear. And while I do have to keep my eyes from wandering where they shouldn’t, that isn’t her responsibility, it’s mine. And frankly, if I am focusing on the things that are right, it isn’t really all that difficult. And the result is that there is a security in our relationship that allows greater intimacy. Just my thoughts anyway.
Yes, exactly! It’s not about the WHAT, it’s about the WHY. It makes all the difference!
Well said! My situation was always the opposite. Husband would do the obligatory sex once in a while, just enough to keep me from leaving he said. So glad he had a change in his heart and mind 2 years ago! It is an ONGOING challenge however. So, things can get better, but it takes ongoing work and love.
I’m so glad it is getting better, Angie! Yay!
“If you don’t have the freedom to say no, then your yes means nothing.” – Christopher West
Check out West’s writings about love & reponsibilty and God’s plan for marriage. Learning this philosophy before my husband and I married has been the best foundation possible. Truly a gift. Sheila is right on track with this philosophy – that’s why she’s my favorite marriage blogger!
I don’t know about anyone else, but my marriage has gone through periods where I have had to have obligation sex because, at times, I would have rather of had no sex at all. After birth of baby, nursing, caring for dying parent, etc. Times in which I was completely physically, emotionally, and/or spiritually exhausted.
The message I kept getting was that husbands “don’t feel loved by their wives,” unless their wife has frequent sex with them. So, during those times, I had sex just so he could feel loved by me. But, selfishly, those times I would have most “felt loved by him” if I would have been given time to recuperate. He never insisted, rather I forced myself out of feeling guilty because of all the “messages” ingrained in my brain.
And, yes, when sex is something we do because we feel he have to, it turns it into a chore, not a joy.
Sadly, we are constantly told that men need sex and frequently and it doesn’t matter what the wife might be going through, she still needs to be unselfish and giving.
Women are told they always have to keep their husbands sexually happy or the poor guys might wander or feel totally unloved.
And we wonder why so many women feel like sex is for him.
No wonder we rarely have sex for our own enjoyment, we are too busy having sex for our poor husbands sake.
That’s very insightful, Deb. Thank you. I think there definitely ARE times to just make love because you want to give a guy a gift, but if we’re coming at sex that way ALL THE TIME, then sex really does feel so shallow and so awful to women. More like a burden. Men can help by showing their wives how accepted they are no matter what. And we women can help by believing that our husbands love us and by telling ourselves positive things about sex. But it can be really difficult.
Sheila, you’re right about husbands and wives helping each other. I’m a bit troubled by the references to “our poor husbands” or “the poor guys might wander,” as if we men are a bunch of helpless idiots totally ruled by our sex drives. Not this man! Not most Christian men I know! We’re trying to do right by our wives.
Now imagine if I said to myself, “I think I need to have some obbligation conversation with my wife so she’ll know I love her. If I don’t, she might start having conversations with other men.” That sounds ridiculous and insulting because it is.
What we need is for husbands and wives to MUTUALLY meet each other’s needs. It’s interesting that in Ephesians 5, before Paul goes into the discussion of relationships, he prefaces it with the command to submit one to another. We need to try the command in Romans 12:10 to try to outdo each other in honor.
Love this, Bob! This is exactly what I think, too.
It may sound strange, but when my husband initiates and I’m not in the mood, I pray for an unselfish heart and that God would change my mind if it should be changed. Many times, it is. If after my prayer, I still don’t feel like it’s a good time, I gently tell my husband that. This and a lot of communication has gotten us through 5 pregnancy and newborn stages pretty well, when I usually don’t feel that interested.
I think the song “Live Like You’re Loved” by Hawk Nelson really captures what you’re describing here, Sheila. Everyone check it out!
I think the fear is ingrained because in times past women pretty much had to “secure a husband” to ensure she would be cared for because society wouldn’t let her care for herself.
Now, women can hold jobs and not have children if they choose and take care of themselves, and that should empower us in relationships. We don’t need to “secure a husband” anymore. We can marry for the person, not the security.
It took me a long time and a lot of working through fears to realize this. I am not responsible for my husband. I don’t need his security to survive. I don’t have to hold my position like a battleground.
I told him plainly that if he wants to mess around, have an affair, or a one night stand, to give me the respect enough to just tell me and leave. No secrets, no double lives. It is either them or repentance and me. He chose me and it is his responsibility to keep choosing me. ME. Not some dolled up version of perfect-for-him me. But ME. Me when I am a sobbing mess. Me when I am puking my guts out. Me with a pimple on my nose. Me when I am screaming in the midst of orgasm. Me when I wear yoga pants with a stain on them. Me when I am wearing nothing at all and am draped in a satin sheet.
There is tremendous freedom in that, and it weeds out the selfishness. I used to be that perfect, fearful wife, and it fed his selfishness to the point of emotional abuse and threatened physical abuse, and even some sexual abuse. And it cycled back into more fear for me. Instead of loving each other we were trying to control each other. Once I accepted that I can’t make him love me or make him act loveable and decided that we just have to learn to love each other as we are or accept that it isn’t going to work, life improved. It isn’t perfect and there are days I am not sure I can live with his differences of opinion (like watching smutty videos on youtube) but at least it is out on the table.
And sex is so much better when you just let go. When I stopped trying to have sex how I thought he wanted me to, and started expressing myself how I like to, he got more into it, too. I don’t need to mimic a porn star. I need to be me, and he can choose to find that awesome or annoying.
That’s a beautiful story, and it means so much more coming from you! I know how much you guys have struggled over the last few years, and it’s just so lovely to see the ways that God is transforming you. I’m so glad!
That is a wonderful story of redemption. Thank you for sharing it with is.
I really like what you had to say and how you said it. You are spot on!
You have an interesting perspective Sheila. However, growing up in a conservative Christian church, I was was told that, if your wife does not feel like having sex, respect her wishes. Besides, sex is like icing on a cake. Sex is not truly necessary but nice when you do get some. I think this teaching has contributed greatly to my sex-starved marriage of 35+ years…
Oh, dear. That is horrible teaching! I don’t know why the church can’t get this right–sex was created to be AWESOME for both sexes, and why would we want to miss out on that? It isn’t something shameful, it’s something beautiful, and the more you make love, the closer you’ll feel (and the healthier you’ll feel). We really need to teach this more!
There was a time that I could totally relate to the readers comment! Although I sometimes still go back there I have learned more about where that character defect comes from for me and have started to understand how to deal with it.
I totally believe there are things we can and should do to support our husband in enjoying our bodies, not seeking it somewhere else. But I have also learned that no matter what we do as wives we can not control our men. So acting out of fear only creates space for anger, resentment and disappointment.
Thank you so much, Shelia, for addressing this readers concern. And more importantly thank you for writing the first blog that allowed her to see that. I am sure she is not the only one who got an amazing take away from it!
Some of this bad teaching, in my opinion, comes from people taking 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 and hammering it home like it’s THE entire message about having sex with your spouse. When it’s one passage of many about what it is to love someone in the covenant bond of marriage. Indeed, it’s only six chapters later that Paul writes this definition of love in 1 Corinthians 13: “Love is patient, love is kind…” Maybe we could start reading the “do not deprive” verses with the perspective of Christlike love. Then , we’d realize that fear and obligation can never sustain a long-term relationship: not with God, and not with our spouse.
So true! I wrote a 3 part series on 1 corinthians 7 a few years ago, and the main takeaway from that passage has to be mutuality: that we each give to each other, and that each spouse benefits from sex. It wasn’t created just for one spouse. Yet it is used almost always to say that men have a need that women must fulfill, as if women don’t have needs as well, or as if men can’t have self-control. It’s really odd, I think.
A few thoughts from a man’s point of view.
There is often a fine line between “obligation sex” and meeting a husband’s real needs. We men are drowning in sexual images and temptations every day. (See Paul Byerly’s post on XY Code today, about men undergoing sexual assault every day.) For about 20 years, my wife was the gatekeeper, then for four more years, I was totally denied sex with her. As a Christian husband, I have an obligation (there’s that word again) to not let my eyes wander, get involved in porn or masturbation, or have an affair. What about her obligation to meet my real sexual needs? Even when she doesn’t “feel like it?”
Her gatekeeping and denial was a direct result of lousy teaching by many Christians that sex, even in marriage, is fleshly. We are told to flee fleshly temptations, so the idea grows that even though sex in marriage is okay, it’s certainly not a very spiritual thing to do.
Our story has a happy ending, in that we were both corrected by God of wrong attitudes. Her view of sex as a way of uniting us, and my view of sex primarily as a purely physical activity, with little attention given to its spiritual and emotional significance, are now focused on the fact that God made sex for us to enjoy each other, and to become more and more deeply connected.
I think wives need to remember a few things about men. We are literally under assault every day, from all sides, with pretty open invitations to let our minds, if not our bodies, run wild. Quite frankly, I see things every day that make me horny, and when I discipline myself to focus that desire on my wife, I’m meeting my obligation. But battle fatigue can set in if when I go to my wife with desire and a testosterone storm, if I’m often denied, it just adds fuel to the flames. Women obviously, in general, feel sexual desire differently from men. If I get aroused, I can’t just turn it off. I can distract myself, redirect the desire, etc., but if it doesn’t get dealt with soon, I’m at real risk of doing something wrong. Now it’s my “obligation” to do the right thing and be obedient, but if the ne person I CAN turn to rejects me, what am I to do? I’ll be bedient, but the wounds can go deep.
I’m s glad God was merciful to us, but there are so many men out there, godly men who are being obedient, and they need their wives’ understanding and help. Especially in a world where we are under constant attack.
Please correct me if I’m wrong.
You said, “If I get aroused, I can’t just turn it off. I can distract myself, redirect the desire, etc.s, but if it doesn’t get dealt with soon, I’m at real risk of doing something wrong.”
Isn’t that the whole premise of “obligation sex?” Having sex with your husband in order to keep him from doing something wrong.
And forgive me, this is where I get confused. When my husband “needs” to have sex with me, is it because he’s been out in the world under sexual assault all day and is overly horny, or does he want some enjoyable intimate connection with me at the moment? One sounds much more appealing than the other, but how am I tell the difference?
Haha whatever. I have a drive that can rival any man but because I’m a woman people expect me just to”turn it off and chill.” Uh no that ain’t how it works.
Need to clarify one thing in my comment, third paragraph. Her view is NOW of sex as a means of uniting us more deeply. It had been a wrong understanding of sex, even in marriage, as rather fleshly in nature, not really spiritual.
My wife has obligatory sex all the time. It’s ” I’m tired get it over with , no foreplay , not showering ” I want to have a loVing intimate time taking in everything and all of her. She makes it though it’s a chore everything I’m doing to help change the mood only agrivates
her she starts complaining I’m hurting her ( pull, pinch, rub to hard) I’m to noisy ( no kids but mother in law just Moved in) . It had gotten so bad I’ve gotten up and left the room slept in the couch. In fact for the last three years I’ve slept on the couch for fear of rejection and or getting an ear full from reaching over and touching her though no was going to take place but her soft parts are comforting to touch. She was a child who was molested , later turn to sex for I exceptance boy friend’s who mistreated her or rejected her publicly after getting what they wanted. I truly love my wife to the point i don’t expect sex though I deires it but not so much and it had to do with her just having obligatory sex. Her attitude can get very ugly and that’s when i notice how she isn’t a looker. I know I’m noticing at her physical imperfections because of her attitude there are rate moments when she does make live to me and it’s freaking great because.She is giving her body mind and attitude over to having loving moment. I keep praying and trying to make changes in myself hoping she comes around because i really want to know what it’s like to be married come home to a happy wife and have great sex because of love I’m fifty one and losing hope